Family Estrangements: How They Begin, How to Mend Them, How to Cope with Them

by Barbara LeBey

Mending the Ties That Bind

Divorce; disputes over inheritances, family business, or elder care. Rifts over marriage partners, career choices, or sexual orientation--these are just some of the many ways that even close families can break apart. Yet this all-too-common and often devastating family problem, and its emotional fallout, has gone virtually unaddressed…until now.

In this remarkable book, Barbara LeBey, an Atlanta attorney and former judge, who herself suffered and resolved a family estrangement, shares the stories of people from every walk of life and of every age and race, to show how such rifts often begin and how they can usually be resolved.

Working closely with two family therapists, LeBey offers a set of tested guidelines to help you approach alienated or angry family members, deal with your own issues, and mend your broken family relationships--even if you think it may already be too late.
Compassionate, practical, and full of rich insight, this book is a beacon of hope and healing to which families everywhere will turn again and again.

Genres: Self Help

277 pages, Paperback

First published April 25, 2002

Reviews

[Meredith is a hot mess · Rating 2 out of 5]

2 "it was okay" stars. This was rather outdated, the kind of self-help book I might've stumbled across in my grandparent's library in the early 90s.

First, this is pro-reconciliation when it comes to family estrangements. There is not even a section on when estrangement may be needed (like abusive situations). More recent memoirs like I'm Glad My Mom Died have done a great job at shining a spotlight on the fact that sometimes family relationships are best left abandoned. I've witnessed positive outcomes of chosen estrangement like improved health. So this book gets a star knocked off for that.

With that said, if someone is a parent of a child who has chosen estrangement, this book might be of use? It gently calls out behavior that might've lead to the estrangement and towards the end gives steps towards reconciliation. Vague tips on coping (reach out to friends, get some hobbies to make new friends). Same for children who may be considering reconciliation after a period of estrangement.

The inheritance section was alright - I would go so far as to say all parents (& potentially grandparents) need to read it and take what steps they can to prevent disagreements amongst the siblings (not all disagreements can be avoided but pre-planning and clear communication can go far). The author gave outdated legal advice. Please, don't put any received family inheritance in a separate bank account and assume your spouse won't be able to take half if they decide to divorce (the author actually advises this). See an attorney. Then get a second opinion from a different attorney if you can. And parents need to factor in that their children will likely get married, there are clauses that can be added to legal documents to prevent any future spouses from taking half. Often an attorney may not consider this, directly asking them is important.

I skimmed over the sections that cover estrangements due to interracial marriages and coming out, no comment on how the author handled those sections. I found the section on forgiveness not just outdated, but also potentially toxic. Yes, if someone is going to reconcile there needs to be forgiveness. However, forgiveness isn't necessary IMhO and can encourage someone to enter a toxic or abusive situation again. I like the concept of acceptance when reconciliation isn't on the table.

[Suzanne Lorraine Kunz Williams · Rating 3 out of 5]

Estrangements can be so hurtful, hurtful for the one estranged, hurtful to those who are doing the estranging and hurtful to all who see estrangements happen. I love that this book shows us that often there is a path to understanding and healing estrangements. I love that this book shows that courage, forgiveness, patience, persistence and love is the answer to healing most family relationships.

Estrangement is something not often talked about. The numerous stories in this book help reassure those going through estrangement that they are not alone. That others are going through similar trials and that there is hope and healing ahead.

[Jean Carlton · Rating 5 out of 5]

Comprehensive. Very informative and well structured. The chapters deal with the different types and reasons for estrangements so one can 'skip' those that do not apply to an individual case but a comprehensive list of general guidelines at the end is very useful.

[Jackson · Rating 4 out of 5]

While I did not find my answer, there is much to be said about working through and learning to cope.

[Terry Sloan · Rating 4 out of 5]

Very good look at how families interact around conflict. Covers in-law issues, coming out issues, inheritance issues, etc.

[Amy Turner · Rating 3 out of 5]

One of three books picked up from the Lawrenceville library discard shelf. It seems they were clearing out a lot of books on family.