This book is on par with a cheap paperback romance novel at checkout. The only difference here is that the cover would feature two women.
I thought this book, as described, was a mystery/crime novel. Yes, I expected the two main characters to get together, however, there was absolutely NO BUILDUP. Think of the difference between a movie and porn. In a movie, you get to know the characters and watch them fall in love, in porn, just take off the clothes and get busy, names aren’t important.
Alex, the main protagonist, is a lesbian who doesn’t like giving her heart away. She’s dedicated to her job and women are just a time to time distraction. Cassidy, is a straight woman who was married to a congressman and they have a son. Stuff goes wrong (doesn’t matter what, that’s the whole crime drama part of the book and the author obviously doesn't care about it, so why should the reader). However, because of this stuff that went wrong, Alex is assigned to protect Cassidy. Then, Alex (again, the woman who doesn’t give her heart away, never has, never will) and the straight woman see each other and fall in love immediately.
By day TWO these two are declaring their undying love for each other and engaging in cheesery to the extreme! The straight woman doesn’t think twice about all of a sudden wanting a woman. Her mother thinks it’s cool and makes jokes about their sex life, and her son also falls in love with the agent overnight and likes Alex more than he likes his dad. I feel like I need to mention again that this happens by day TWO!
I’m not sure if this writer grew up on romance novels and soap operas, but the dialog between characters was so contrived that I gagged through most of it (I'm guessing this author couldn't pronounce verisimilitude much less actually accomplish it). The story, characters, and dialog were absolutely unbelievable to the point that I spent most of the time proclaiming how, “that would never happen!” I'm not sure if this author needs to read good novels with dialog, needs to watch good TV with dialog, or needs to go out to coffee shops and just listen to people have conversations (ALL THREE) but she needs to learn how people REALLY speak. This book had all the depth and reality of a fairy tale combined with sex scenes from romance novels and unless you are a weak reader or someone who has little to no experience with actual literature (or life), this book will begin by annoying you and, by the end, have you screaming at the pages!
I can't even say that this had a good overall idea but needed better writing, it didn't. The mystery part of this book was just weird. The stalker wrote stupid poems/riddles that seemed like they were supposed to rhyme but didn't and they didn't actually make much sense. And when Alex (the super duper uber best agent in the world) read them, they just made the stalker seem stupid, not scary and they kind of made Alex seem stupid because she was so affected by them.
It seems the whole point of this book was to put Alex and Cassidy in bed together but not even that was done well because SHOW don't TELL was apparently another lesson this author missed. As a result, her sex scenes were quite dull and no doubt would not make the Hustler cut (okay, maybe Hustler would be aiming too high). Nothing about this book draws the reader in. Not the crime drama portion of it and not the romance portion of it. NOTHING in this book was realistic, not the dialog, not the story, not the timeline, and not the human emotions.
To save potential readers some time, here is the story:
Some poetically challenged crazy killer/stalker either wants to kill the congressman, kill the congressman's super beautiful straight woman ex-wife, or he wants to make the congressman's super beautiful straight ex-wife his concubine - we aren't sure. In any case, the ex-wife needs a body guard and a super smart lesbian agent (best and brightest in the world) is assigned to her (I should mention that the super smart lesbian agent is also beautiful, strong, knows every language in the world, and possibly has super powers).
This agent is under cover so she won't stand out as an agent and scare the poetically challenged crazy killer/stalker off. Whatever the agent's cover story is doesn't really matter because it is forgotten about as soon as it's mentioned. Super smart lesbian agent enters the congressman's former residence and sees super beautiful straight woman. Super smart lesbian agent then completely changes who she is (distant and doesn't give her heart away - EVER) and falls in love immediately. Super beautiful straight woman sees super smart lesbian agent and, just like that, she's now a lesbian too and in love. Super beautiful no longer straight woman's son sees super smart lesbian agent, declares she's his hero, and he loves her and he wants her to be his dad's replacement.
Super beautiful no longer straight woman's mother comes around daily, she meets super smart lesbian agent, she too thinks super smart lesbian agent is wonderful, she doesn't question that her daughter is now a lesbian, and she even says that super smart lesbian agent is who she always wanted for her daughter. The whole family is so enlightened, that EVERYONE loves and accepts super smart lesbian agent as family immediately and plans are made for super beautiful no longer straight woman and her son to leave the place they've known as home and run off to start a life with super smart lesbian agent who never wanted a girlfriend much less a wife and kids, but now wants all of that (I need to mention the timeline here - A WEEK).
Super smart lesbian agent finds a super awesome mansion for her new insta-family, but super beautiful no longer straight woman is a total buzz-kill and says it's too expensive. BUT this is a fairy tale so...WAIT FOR IT...not a problem, super smart lesbian agent is also super rich and already owns the super awesome mansion and has already secretly pimped the super mansion (crib) for her new insta-family. They all move in and live happily ever after.
WAIT, it seems like there was something else...Oh yeah, that whole mystery crime part of the novel comes back at some point: Okay, the poetically challenged crazy killer/stalker tracks super beautiful no longer straight woman down, ties her up, and wanders around her making menacing faces.**
**I should mention, the president (of the U.S.) is friends with the super smart lesbian agent but he might be corrupt and he is connected to the congressman and the stalker in some way, it's unclear, but it doesn't matter, the point is, they are connected and there is something scandalous going on behind the scenes. It is also important to note that EVERYONE, including the president and random people at bars, all agree that the super beautiful no longer straight woman REALLY is beautiful. So, this isn't some situation where the super smart lesbian agent sees the "beauty inside." This chick is seriously beautiful and all 10 out of 10 dentists agree!
So, back to the poetically challenged crazy killer/stalker tying up super beautiful no longer straight woman...he really is about to kill her, BUT FIRST, he has to go all Scooby Doo and, while giving some seriously sinister looks and twisting the ends of his mustache (making super beautiful no longer straight woman very tense), he spills all the beans about what really happened and why.
Meanwhile, back at the Batcave, super smart lesbian (and now Bat) agent gets a distress signal and calls super beautiful no longer straight woman's mom and demands she pick up the boy and keep him! On top of this, mom is instructed not to ask questions because super smart lesbian (and now Bat) agent has to hop in the Batmobile and save her damsel in distress! So shut up super beautiful no longer straight woman's mom, there's no time to explain!
Luckily, just in the nick of time, and just as poetically challenged crazy killer/stalker finishes his Scooby Doo confession, super smart lesbian (and now Bat) agent busts in and BOOM, POW, ZING! poetically challenged crazy killer/stalker is taken down! After, a no longer tied up super beautiful no longer straight woman declares her undying love (AGAIN) for super smart lesbian (and now Bat) agent and exclaims that she never ever wants to be out of her strong (yet loving) arms again! Around this same time, super beautiful no longer straight woman's mother and son arrive (pretty sure they were told to shut up and stay put) and super smart lesbian (and now Bat) agent explains the dangers of guns, but also the need for guns (bad people), but also how happy she is that one day no one would need guns because awesome kids were gonna grow up and no more bad people would happen or something like that, it was all stupid, and then there is talk about heroes and Batman and Speed Racer and other unimportant crap to show what a truly awesome parent super smart lesbian (and now Bat) agent is gonna be. FINALLY (I mean, come on what's the hold up? They've been planning this new family for over a week now!) they all move into the super awesome pimped-out (Bat) mansion and live happily ever after.
THE END
Hmmm, now that I think about it, maybe it was an awesome story!