Look, there were plenty of times in my reading journey of the past few years when I suffered a long time with a long and bad book. However, that book was usually, like, Proust. I got absolutely nothing from reading this 1200-page piece of trash except the satisfaction of knowing that a book I bought in a ‘read all the classic sci-fi’ fever almost twenty years ago is now read. (I also assumed it was ‘hard’ sci-fi, a genre I tend to avoid, yet the threads on here consistently refer to it as ‘space opera’. I’m going to nope that simply because I don’t want this disgusting shit-pile in my nice space opera space.)
And, after all that, I don’t even know if Peter F. Hamilton even rates as a top gun sci-fi author these days. I was sucked in by the cover tag line of ‘Britain’s number one science-fiction author’, which, in 1996, might well have been true. I mean – that he was considered such. Because his writing was a misogynistic trash fire in 1996, but perhaps the genre wasn’t as extensive then as it is now.
There’s a lot of characters and plot arcs going on in this novel, but it’s really about two contrasting male characters. There’s Joshua Calvert, who is a Sex God. He can do sex super well, you guys. He even MAKES WOMAN ORGASM. I know, I know, what a stud. Every single woman he meets is hot for him in 27 seconds, although he sticks to ‘barely-legal teens’. This is fortunate, because the book’s entire female population is barely-legal teens. Ione: eighteen. Marie: seventeen. Louise: sixteen. The nominal ‘adults’ – Kelly and Dominique – are about twenty-five. What I’m saying is that Joshua is Leonardo di Caprio, and so is everyone else.
“Joshua got very grumpy when [Ione] spent the first evening reviewing Tranquillity’s summaries of the incredible public reaction rather than spending it in bed with him.”
WHAT A GUY. IONE’S JUST PULLED OFF HER FIRST POLITICAL VICTORY AS LEADER OF A PLANET AND HE’S LIKE WAAAAH MY DICK THO.
“Joshua wasn’t used to children that age, in his opinion she was a spoilt brat who needed a damn good smack.”
To be clear: this girl is fourteen. Her sister, whom Joshua coerces into dubcon sex soon after, is SIXTEEN. So: ALSO A CHILD.
About their mother: “a figure which showed that even Louise had still got quite a way to go yet.” UGH. UGH. UGH. SIXTEEN!
Joshua is also magical and I mean this literally. He has psychic woo-woo powers. For a sci-fic classic, this book coolly steals a lot of tropes from fantasy, YA, and, er, Christian fiction. Which brings me to Quinn Dexter, or the dark side of Joshua’s moon. Quinn is strictly speaking bisexual, although the way he’s portrayed here leads me to seriously consider that Hamilton meant him to be a straightforward Evil Gay who only has sex with women for material gain or as a method of torture. In this whole massive tome, there is not one single other queer character. Quinn is the only one, and his sexual ‘deviance’ – rape, rape-as-torture, and Satanic sex rituals – is explicitly linked to his sexuality. It’s like Dune, only worse.
“ ‘Forget it, Quinn,’ Jackson said in a neutral voice, but one that carried in the silence following the rain. ‘I don’t turn to that. Strictly het, OK?’ It came out like a challenge.”
NO HOMO!!!
“He’s going to break a lot of female hearts, that one, she thought proudly.” In 2600.
Quinn is expelled from Earth for being a Satanist. No, really. It’s even funnier because the book is set in 2600 CE. There’s a fuckton of 1996-specific issues that are still issues in 2600, like Judeo-Christian religion and, checks notes, misogyny.
So Joshua does some Hot Girl shit by finding cool archeology stuff from an ancient, disappeared civilisation (remember I said Hamilton rips of fantasy tropes wholesale?). He makes enough money from this to do up his dad’s spaceship. He then fulfils his dream of becoming, er, the space equivalent of a long-distance lorry driver? You do you, bro. One of his Bezos-level deals involves trading fancy whiskey on one planet for fancy wood on another. I’m not kidding.
The wood planet is Lalonde, which is where Quinn is shipped as part of his penal servitude. Hamilton refers to ‘penal planets’ as well in this book, but never delves into how this works in practice. Like all Hamilton’s philosophy, it’s gross and highly questionable. Quinn stages a quiet revolution among his fellow bonded workslaves using Satanism, which seems to be an analogue for Communism as well. (Communism, Satanism, evisceration, they’re all the same, right?) Coincidentally, a magical plague-virus thing explodes on the planet at the same time, which allows loads of dead souls stuck in Purgatory to come back and possess the bodies of the living. The dead also picked up the ability to shut down electronic devices for Reasons. If this sounds very, very stupid, it’s because it is.
Joshua becomes involved in a rescue mission to the planet and Quinn skips town to spread the virus further. That’s where the book ends, and I honestly don’t care if this entire universe dies in the end. It deserves to.
Here is a run-down of the eye-bleeding sexism on display at all times. Literally, a woman cannot exist in this universe without some dude objectifying her.
On page five, guys: “One person who genuinely didn’t seem to mind the fact that she was brighter than him – and they were rare enough.”
“When [Syrinx] was seventeen she had a month-long affaire with Aulie, who was forty-four”.
Oh great, in 2600 CE we’re still doing that too.
“Given their life expectancy, large age gaps were common among Edenist partners, but a hundred years was pushing the limits of propriety.”
UM, HOW DOES THAT FOLLOW? Surely people who’ve evolved to live longer can afford to learn better about this shit?
“The name Marie Skibbow was printed along the top; an attractive teenage girl smiled rebelliously at him from her hologram. Her parents were in for a few years of hell, he decided.”
If you think seventeen-year-olds should be punished for ‘rebellious smiling’, and specifically with multiple rapes, torture, and death, then you will really enjoy this book.
“You wait for the girls to climax, you want them to enjoy it. You make them enjoy it. That’s very rare, very bold.”
Female orgasms are still so rare in 2600 CE that this mind-reading entity can only find one dude on her entire planet who provides them. Sign me up.
“The waitresses were young, pretty, and wore revealing black dresses.”
No female/queer gaze here! No sirree!
“ ‘I’m honoured, ma’am,’ Parker Higgens said; he had come very close to blurting but you’re a girl.”
On Cricklade “[…] someone of equal wealth would have his own estate and she would be expected to live there.” And women don’t go to university on this whole planet.
“Amazing how many women become technocrats around childbirth time.”
Amazing. Yeah.
“That girl, though: teenaged, long limbed, large breasted, exquisite face, bronzed, strong. […] A girl like that was a walking gang-bang invitation.”
Note where on the list her FACE comes.
“I would like you to have a child. You are feeling incomplete.”
NO SHE’S JUST 18 YEARS OLD.
“Really? You should abolish incest. I could find out for myself then.”
THIS IS NOT NORMAL OR OKAY JESUS CHRIST PETE.
A word about the actual science in this fiction. Some of it is mildly interesting, although splitting the human race into ‘Edenists’ who can upload themselves into their spaceships and thus become ‘immortal’ (for a given value of immortal) versus ‘Adamists’ who …don’t, is stupid on many levels, but especially that of nomenclature. Adam LIVED in the Garden of Eden? ‘Biotechnology’ is condensed to ‘bitek’ throughout, which made me think ‘bitteck’ rather than ‘biotech’, and is Bad. I also have QUESTIONS about neural nanonics. They are brain plug-ins that can override emotions like pain and fear – but who decides when and how? No one with a nanonic insert ever describes the implantation and why they decided ‘I must never allow anyone to see me cry, over-ride all tears at all times’. Finally, the ‘sequestration’ initially ignores children because there’s enough adult souls to satisfy the Purgatorial immigrants, but later Shaun Wallace contradicts this. So which is it? (I don’t actually care, you understand, I’m just pointing out massive flaws in the plot.)
Also. Apparently in 2020, we are mining the moon. That was pretty funny.