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Empty Womb, Aching Heart: Hope and Help for Those Struggling With Infertility
Contains frank and emotionally resonate stories from both men and women facing the struggle of infertility.
190 pages, Kindle Edition
First published May 1, 2001
36 people are currently reading
139 people want to read
About the author
Marlo Schalesky
20 books73 followersMarlo Schalesky is the founder and president of Wonder Wood Ranch, a California charitable organization that brings hope through horses to at-risk, gang-impacted, homeless, and other disadvantaged kids in Monterey County. She is also the award winning author of twelve books, including her latest nonfiction, WOMEN OF THE BIBLE SPEAK OUT, Stories of Betrayal, Abuse, Healing & Hope (2020), as well as Reaching for Wonder, Encountering Christ When Life Hurts, Waiting for Wonder, Learning to Live on God’s Timeline, Wrestling with Wonder, a Transformational Journey through the Life of Mary, and Empty Womb, Aching Heart, Hope and Help for those Struggling with Infertility. Her fiction includes RITA finalist Shades of Morning, the Christy Award winning Beyond the Night, and ACFW Book of the Year winner Veil of Fire.
She’s had over 1,000 articles published in various Christian magazines, including Focus on the Family, Today’s Christian Woman, Decision, Moody Magazine, and Discipleship Journal. She has contributed to Dr. Dobson’s Night Light Devotional for Couples, Tyndale’s Book of Devotions for Kids #3, and Discipleship Journal’s 101 Small Group Ideas.
She is a speaker, with appearances on Focus on the Family, Moody Midday, 100 Huntley Street, The Harvest Show, and hundreds of others. She is also a regular columnist for Power for Living.
Marlo is also a California native, a graduate of Stanford University (with a B.S. in Chemistry!). In addition, she has earned her Masters in Theology, with an emphasis in Biblical Studies, from Fuller Theological Seminary.
After twenty years on the infertility journey, and numerous miscarriages, Marlo now lives with her husband, six children, and fifty-some critters in a log home in Central California.
When she’s not cleaning up after critters of all kinds, doing laundry, or writing books, Marlo loves white mochas, reading the New Testament in Greek, and speaking to groups about finding the wonder of God in everyday life.
She’s had over 1,000 articles published in various Christian magazines, including Focus on the Family, Today’s Christian Woman, Decision, Moody Magazine, and Discipleship Journal. She has contributed to Dr. Dobson’s Night Light Devotional for Couples, Tyndale’s Book of Devotions for Kids #3, and Discipleship Journal’s 101 Small Group Ideas.
She is a speaker, with appearances on Focus on the Family, Moody Midday, 100 Huntley Street, The Harvest Show, and hundreds of others. She is also a regular columnist for Power for Living.
Marlo is also a California native, a graduate of Stanford University (with a B.S. in Chemistry!). In addition, she has earned her Masters in Theology, with an emphasis in Biblical Studies, from Fuller Theological Seminary.
After twenty years on the infertility journey, and numerous miscarriages, Marlo now lives with her husband, six children, and fifty-some critters in a log home in Central California.
When she’s not cleaning up after critters of all kinds, doing laundry, or writing books, Marlo loves white mochas, reading the New Testament in Greek, and speaking to groups about finding the wonder of God in everyday life.
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Displaying 1 - 15 of 15 reviews
January 15, 2022
I don’t want children and do not struggle with infertility (though on second thought, maybe I do; it’s impossible for me to know as I’ve never tried to get pregnant), I wanted to learn more about the subject for a story I’m writing. Also, as someone who has literally never wanted biological children, I found myself increasingly curious about people who do.
I had placed a hold on this book after a very cursory Google search on fertility books. When I picked up the book from my library, I realized it was a Christian book. As an agnostic lesbian with many, many, many friends who have been ostracized, abused, and made homeless by their Christian parents and communities, I was about to immediately return it. But I’m always open to hearing new perspectives, so I decided to read it anyway.
Aside from the very homophobic concluding essay, I was surprised to find myself identifying with many of the authors. I came out as gay when I was a junior in high school, and ever since then have had my sexuality and my life choices questioned, invalidated, and looked down upon. Like many of the women in this book, I have faced horribly invasive questions; for instance, I can’t tell you how many times men, upon first meeting me and finding out I’m gay, have asked, “How do lesbians have sex? How do *you* have sex?” And that’s only the beginning. I have given my wife a peck on the cheek in public, only to be approached by strangers asking me if me and my partner are interested in a threesome. I have been followed home from bars by men whispering homophobic remarks. People’s ability to completely disregard your humanity in order to satisfy their selfish curiosity or desires never ceases to amaze me.
What I identified most with, though, is being considered as less-than for not having children. The essays’ authors express that same feeling. Of course, my journey is much easier because I am gay and therefore face less pressure to reproduce and because I don’t want children in the first place. It’s much harder for these authors, as they live in communities where women are expected to have children and because they truly want children. That being said, we share an important commonality: society views us as less valuable because we don’t conform to a silly notion of what a family is supposed to look like: a dad, a mom, and 2.1 children; a white picket fence; apple pies cooling on the window sill, etc.
I’ve always been critical of society’s ability to dehumanize those who don’t have this Leave-it-to-Beaver family structure. I was aware at a young age of this societal problem, as my mom was adopted from South Korea into a white American family. Everywhere they went, she was seen as not belonging to her family. I was also acutely aware of society’s expectations because I was raised by a single mother. I came to realize there was absolutely nothing wrong with my family, and that the literal majority of people in this world are raised by single mothers. And single mothers are always blamed for their situation: fault is rarely placed on fathers who abandon their families.
My looser definition of what a family is was also influenced by my gay friends, some of whom were kicked out of their houses and excommunicated from their families because of their sexuality. (On a related note, more than a third of homeless children are queer.) At ages as young as fifteen, they were forced to try to survive on their own while dealing with the trauma of being so violently rejected by their families. They had to create a second family made up of friends who provided more support than their families of origin ever did, who were more concerned with narrow interpretations of the Bible than with their child’s welfare. These second families should serve as a role for other families. True families are people who have your back, who you can rely on when you’re at your lowest, who love you for who you are. But I digress.
For these reasons, the essay “Can We Be a Real Family?” resonated with me. Sonya writes, “Christmas, it seemed, was a time for families. And Joe and I, with only our two dogs, did not constitute a real family. At least I didn’t think so.” The essay ends with her recognizing that others’ definitions of family and their expectations does not lessen the family she does have. What is so beautiful about her and others’ reflections was that they came to accept their infertility, and through this acceptance, realized that they are more than their infertility, that there are a million ways to lead fulfilling lives full of love, generosity, and growth. I was also touched by the story of the woman who started a vacation Bible school; she realized that there were many ways to help nurture children outside of parenthood. And, despite the rampant homophobia in the book’s last essay, I appreciated her finding two surrogate daughters and giving them love, albeit a pretty fucked up kind of love, given her hatred towards gay people.
One of the things I love about being gay is that once you realize you are not straight, you start to question a lot more things that other people don’t pay any mind to. I was told I can only be attracted to men; that wasn’t true. So maybe other things society told me were not true as well. I find that many queer people are more critical thinkers than your average bear because they have to be. I believe all of the authors are too. They are stronger, better people because of the trials and tribulations they’ve endured and I think, if they adopt or do indeed get pregnant, they will love their children in a powerful way. That being said, I hope that they don’t force their children to go to conversion therapy or kick them out of the house if the child is queer. I am so grateful to both my mother and father for their unconditional love for me and wouldn’t wish the pain and trauma my friends experienced on anyone.
I had placed a hold on this book after a very cursory Google search on fertility books. When I picked up the book from my library, I realized it was a Christian book. As an agnostic lesbian with many, many, many friends who have been ostracized, abused, and made homeless by their Christian parents and communities, I was about to immediately return it. But I’m always open to hearing new perspectives, so I decided to read it anyway.
Aside from the very homophobic concluding essay, I was surprised to find myself identifying with many of the authors. I came out as gay when I was a junior in high school, and ever since then have had my sexuality and my life choices questioned, invalidated, and looked down upon. Like many of the women in this book, I have faced horribly invasive questions; for instance, I can’t tell you how many times men, upon first meeting me and finding out I’m gay, have asked, “How do lesbians have sex? How do *you* have sex?” And that’s only the beginning. I have given my wife a peck on the cheek in public, only to be approached by strangers asking me if me and my partner are interested in a threesome. I have been followed home from bars by men whispering homophobic remarks. People’s ability to completely disregard your humanity in order to satisfy their selfish curiosity or desires never ceases to amaze me.
What I identified most with, though, is being considered as less-than for not having children. The essays’ authors express that same feeling. Of course, my journey is much easier because I am gay and therefore face less pressure to reproduce and because I don’t want children in the first place. It’s much harder for these authors, as they live in communities where women are expected to have children and because they truly want children. That being said, we share an important commonality: society views us as less valuable because we don’t conform to a silly notion of what a family is supposed to look like: a dad, a mom, and 2.1 children; a white picket fence; apple pies cooling on the window sill, etc.
I’ve always been critical of society’s ability to dehumanize those who don’t have this Leave-it-to-Beaver family structure. I was aware at a young age of this societal problem, as my mom was adopted from South Korea into a white American family. Everywhere they went, she was seen as not belonging to her family. I was also acutely aware of society’s expectations because I was raised by a single mother. I came to realize there was absolutely nothing wrong with my family, and that the literal majority of people in this world are raised by single mothers. And single mothers are always blamed for their situation: fault is rarely placed on fathers who abandon their families.
My looser definition of what a family is was also influenced by my gay friends, some of whom were kicked out of their houses and excommunicated from their families because of their sexuality. (On a related note, more than a third of homeless children are queer.) At ages as young as fifteen, they were forced to try to survive on their own while dealing with the trauma of being so violently rejected by their families. They had to create a second family made up of friends who provided more support than their families of origin ever did, who were more concerned with narrow interpretations of the Bible than with their child’s welfare. These second families should serve as a role for other families. True families are people who have your back, who you can rely on when you’re at your lowest, who love you for who you are. But I digress.
For these reasons, the essay “Can We Be a Real Family?” resonated with me. Sonya writes, “Christmas, it seemed, was a time for families. And Joe and I, with only our two dogs, did not constitute a real family. At least I didn’t think so.” The essay ends with her recognizing that others’ definitions of family and their expectations does not lessen the family she does have. What is so beautiful about her and others’ reflections was that they came to accept their infertility, and through this acceptance, realized that they are more than their infertility, that there are a million ways to lead fulfilling lives full of love, generosity, and growth. I was also touched by the story of the woman who started a vacation Bible school; she realized that there were many ways to help nurture children outside of parenthood. And, despite the rampant homophobia in the book’s last essay, I appreciated her finding two surrogate daughters and giving them love, albeit a pretty fucked up kind of love, given her hatred towards gay people.
One of the things I love about being gay is that once you realize you are not straight, you start to question a lot more things that other people don’t pay any mind to. I was told I can only be attracted to men; that wasn’t true. So maybe other things society told me were not true as well. I find that many queer people are more critical thinkers than your average bear because they have to be. I believe all of the authors are too. They are stronger, better people because of the trials and tribulations they’ve endured and I think, if they adopt or do indeed get pregnant, they will love their children in a powerful way. That being said, I hope that they don’t force their children to go to conversion therapy or kick them out of the house if the child is queer. I am so grateful to both my mother and father for their unconditional love for me and wouldn’t wish the pain and trauma my friends experienced on anyone.
February 4, 2020
This book is a collection of short stories from different Christian couples experiencing infertility.
A Disclaimer: This book is not very progressive (I didn’t like the messaging of the last story) and does not encompass all infertility situations. This book is also very Christian/God/Jesus focused, however, except for one story, I didn’t feel like it put other religions down. Also it’s likely the stories do not come from an ethnically diverse group of people.
With all that being said, I gave this book 4-stars because of how much I cried reading these stories. I felt so SEEN! For a majority of the stories, I felt like I wrote them myself. For someone surrounded by extremely fertile friends who can’t understand or relate to to the constant pain I feel, it’s refreshing to know that my feelings and experiences are valid and normal. Mother’s Day is hard. Miscarriage is devastating. Well meaning older women with kids can make things worse. Each pregnancy announcement equals a week of tears. And life is not fair because no matter how hard you work, infertility couldn’t care less.
The lessons learned were also nice to read even if my methodology to acceptance will look a little different. As I try and open my life more to God, this book gave me strength.
A Disclaimer: This book is not very progressive (I didn’t like the messaging of the last story) and does not encompass all infertility situations. This book is also very Christian/God/Jesus focused, however, except for one story, I didn’t feel like it put other religions down. Also it’s likely the stories do not come from an ethnically diverse group of people.
With all that being said, I gave this book 4-stars because of how much I cried reading these stories. I felt so SEEN! For a majority of the stories, I felt like I wrote them myself. For someone surrounded by extremely fertile friends who can’t understand or relate to to the constant pain I feel, it’s refreshing to know that my feelings and experiences are valid and normal. Mother’s Day is hard. Miscarriage is devastating. Well meaning older women with kids can make things worse. Each pregnancy announcement equals a week of tears. And life is not fair because no matter how hard you work, infertility couldn’t care less.
The lessons learned were also nice to read even if my methodology to acceptance will look a little different. As I try and open my life more to God, this book gave me strength.
January 17, 2024
My friend struggling with infertility recommended this book. As someone not trying to start a family yet I wasn’t sure what to expect. It was extremely eye opening to what families walking through infertility experience, not just women but their partners. Many of the narratives specifically discuss the difficulties of navigating infertility as a Christian living in a culture of Christianity. This could make it hard to relate to if you’re not religious, but still a good read!
September 21, 2022
I’m not sure if the description “hope and help” really rang true for me. I think I was expecting a bit more hope in the form of success after struggles. That aside, some of the stories did hit home and made me emotional.
March 13, 2018
Except for the last chapter which had some happy ending stories, the other stories resonated quite a bit with me. I also have my particularities to add as each case is unique in itself but I do know I feel with women that open their souls here. It is helpful somehow to have your feelings understand and expressed.
January 28, 2009
I related a lot to what was said in this book. I cried through some of the stories as the questions raised hit home for me. I do think that some people could be turned off by the last story in this book. I know it was trying to convey another story about how God can make you a mother but I think the lesbian piece of it could cause controversy depending on your specific beliefs. Otherwise, I have no complaints.
August 20, 2009
was kinda nice just to read short snippets from different perspectives and how God worked through their situations without the "this is what you do" type stuff. it was also reassuring to discover recurring themes, feelings, etc. throughout.
October 4, 2020
Some helpful stories. Also some trite oversimplified advice—I.e pray for the woman struggling with kids screaming at the restaurant, even though you’d give anything to be in her shoes and just wanted a quiet dinner date with spouse.
July 30, 2011
An amazing book for those dealing with the journey of infertility.
October 1, 2011
I stopped reading this book halfway through...too much heartache.
September 20, 2011
This book helped me a lot to count the blessing that I had while try to have a child. These stories are not all happy endings in the sense of having a child but a happy ending in finding peace.
March 19, 2022
So much wisdom and healing advice in these pages! I especially appreciated how many of the stories didn’t end with “And then God granted us the child that we had prayed for.” While this is an undeniable miracle worthy of celebration for those who experience it, it’s also so rare to hear the experiences of people who are still in the middle of the struggle with infertility. These are the stories that God has used to provide me with the wisdom, growth, comfort, and healing that I’ve needed while still in the middle of the waiting.
March 22, 2025
shares insights into women that have been unable to have children. insightful and sad.
May 27, 2020
Like a conversation over coffee with others who have walked the path of infertility. Encouragement, practical advice, and hope from those who have been there, done that.
February 10, 2010
Didn't really help me feel better about not conceiving yet. Most of the stories were couples who were never able to conceive, so it may have actually made me feel worse. The very last part was the really only hopeful part. It was probably WAY too early in my journey to read this.
Displaying 1 - 15 of 15 reviews