Habits of a Peacemaker: 10 Habits to Change Our Potentially Toxic Conversations into Healthy Dialogues

by Steven T. Collis

Learn the practical skills that can help you build bridges, heal relationships, and engage in productive conversation about even the hardest topics.

Most people have experienced the slippery slope of dialogue that descends into -polarized argument. We yell at each other. We gaslight. We twist one -another’s words and meanings. We embrace facts that support our conclusions and ignore those that don’t. Or we sit in silence, afraid to discuss anything of substance. If how you treat others matters to you, this book offers powerful new habits that can give you the confidence to engage in dialogue about hard topics while building and strengthening relationships.
Imagine turning what could be a contentious conversation with a family member, a friend, or a coworker into a fruitful exchange that enlightens everyone’s minds and inches both of you toward a solution. Steven T. Collis, one of the world’s leading experts on civil -discourse, reveals ten practical habits that can help you navigate the potential minefields of hard topics and leave you and those you converse with feeling thoughtful and productive.
Whether you’re motivated by a desire for more fruitful discussions about politics or simply bringing more peace to your home, Habits of a Peacemaker offers you the tools to engage in constructive and healthy dialogue.

Genres: Nonfiction, Self Help, Audiobook, Leadership, Politics, Psychology, Book Club

256 pages, Hardcover

Published September 3, 2024

About the author

Steven T. Collis is the author of the nonfiction books Deep Conviction and The Immortals, as well as the novel Praying with the Enemy. He is a storyteller at heart, but in his other life, he is also a law professor at the University of Texas School of Law, where he is the faculty director of the Bech-Loughlin First Amendment Center and Texas's Law & Religion Clinic.

Prior to joining the faculty at Texas, he was the Olin-Darling Research Fellow in the Constitutional Law Center at Stanford Law School and was an equity partner at Holland & Hart LLP, where he chaired the firm's nationwide religious institutions and First Amendment practice group.

​Before embarking on his legal and writing career, Steven graduated magna cum laude from the University of Michigan Law School, where he was elected to the Order of the Coif and served as an editor on the Michigan Law Review and the Michigan Journal of Race and Law. Steven also holds an M.F.A. in creative writing from Virginia Commonwealth University, where he served as the associate editor of the literary journal Blackbird. He completed his undergraduate studies, with university honors, at Brigham Young University.

Originally from New Mexico, Steven lives in Austin with his wife and children. He is on the web at www.steventcollis.com.

Reviews

[Tyus Welter · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book taught me to have an open mind. It’s really good. No one can convince me otherwise.

[MK · Rating 5 out of 5]

I loved so much about this book! I will admit that I’m a bit of a people pleaser, and I’ve often been misguided in thinking that people pleasing actions are the same as being a peacemaker. The problem is that, after a while, I usually just feel frustrated, misunderstood, and taken advantage of. I love peace. I love when everyone is getting along. I love the idea that we can be respectful and kind, even if others choose not to be.

This book and the habits taught were so different than I expected. I loved it and learned so much. I loved learning about being respectful, humble, and wise when interacting with others, as well as developing habits for an inner peace. This will be a book I get in paperback so that I can mark it up and refer back to it. I read parts of it to my husband and it was really nice to be able to compare experiences we have had, with experiences the author shared. While the author addresses different faiths in one habit, he keeps the book separate from religion, making it a guide for anyone who wants to create more peace in their relationships with others.

[Callie · Rating 5 out of 5]

Fascinating and uplifting read about how to develop habits of a peacemaker. A book I wish everyone could read! (Especially during an election year.)

[Ben Duffield · Rating 5 out of 5]

changed my life. i can’t think of a more needed book today.

[Mindy · Rating 5 out of 5]

The introduction of this book was so powerful. I liked how the author referred back to it later in the book too, to bring more points to heart. I knew right away this would be a book that would help me. I took many notes while reading. I’ve already shared many thoughts and suggestions to my family and loved ones.

Some favorite highlights:
Even when we tend to judge others, we are often doing so with fraction often less than 1% of the available information.
Choose two news sources you trust. Right/left.
Don’t assume the worst
Find common ground
We lose ourselves in the service of others
People can change their minds.

*Be forgiving
*Forgive and move on
*Forgive small things
*Brings peace of mind

I definitely will be looking for more books from this author. I appreciated his viewpoints and heartfelt experiences and suggestions. I’m going to buy copies for family members.

I received a paperback copy from the publisher. All views are my own.

[Mollie · Rating 1 out of 5]

A friend I’m doing some community work with highly recommended this to me. Some of it is useful. I’m giving 1 star for 2 main reasons. First is that he uses the term peacemaking to reference what id more accurately describe as productive interpersonal dialogue. While it’s crucial to have the skills to engage in productive interpersonal debate & discussion, a discussion of peacemaking needs to discuss global peace and power & history. No mentions of Mandela, Gandhi, or other global peacemakers from historically oppressed groups. His conception of “peacemaker” is offensively narrow. My second reason for 1 star is that his arguments about post structuralism, postmodernism, and critical theories engage in the straw person fallacy and cherry picking (not just a little bit, but to a massive degree of offense). He grossly misrepresents these theories to then undermine them. He talks about recognizing how little we know and being humble - this is important and certainly something I strive to do but oddly it’s not what he demonstrates in this chapter in particular. Most post structural/critical theorists I know and respect do exhibit those traits and level much stronger, empathetic, and smarter arguments than what I find here. I started this book with an open mind, willing to disagree with the author in places but take what I found useful and consider his points. It left me with a very sour feeling and I’m disappointed in it to say the very least. Read something else.

[Elizabeth · Rating 5 out of 5]

I loved this book! I used skills from it multiple times this week: with a child who didn't want to do a chore, with my neighbor who was bothered by my cat, with the school that lost a registration, with someone who argued for something I disagree with.. So many great ideas. I went into this book a bit prideful, thinking I already knew the skills he would talk about. I was wrong and learned a lot. I highly recommend it.

[Justin Tapp · Rating 5 out of 5]

Habits of a Peacemaker: 10 Habits to Change Our Potentially Toxic Conversations into Healthy Dialogues by Steven T. Collis

I received an advanced copy from the publisher via Netgalley without the requirement that I publish a review. Opinions are my own. I chose to review this book because I found the message to be refreshing and greatly needed in 2024. This challenge from the author compelled me: “Many of us have grown up in a world where we have forgotten, never learned, or were not even exposed to the skills needed to talk about hard topics in a productive way. Many of us want to be able to do it” (loc 135 of 4226).

Collis is a law professor at a major U.S. university and an expert on the First Amendment. His goal is to provide a handbook to equip those who want to bridge the widening divide in our society by fostering dialogue and healthy debate instead of arguing and attacking. This book is thorough (perhaps too much so), but is very helpful in thinking about your own communication style and how to be a better friend, neighbor, co-worker, or online commenter. He provides concrete tools and examples of how to reframe your conversations to lead to a deeper exchange of ideas and perhaps even win someone over to your point of view– or even change your own mind: “(I)t is about everyone involved working together to find a shared solution while recognizing they probably don’t have nearly as much knowledge as they thought they did” (loc. 347).

I greatly appreciated Collis’ citation and context of U.S. Supreme Court cases that I assume would be unfamiliar to most young readers. In 2024, it’s hard to imagine a Supreme Court that revisited and overturned a previous ruling as justices, upon further reflection, came to the conclusion that they had ruled in error. In West Virginia State Board of Education v. Barnette (1943), the Court overturned previous rulings that Jehovah’s Witnesses – along with all American school children– could be compelled to say the Pledge of Allegiance to the U.S. flag every day. In a time that the USA was waging an actual war against fascist and totalitarian threats to freedom and democracy around the world, the prevailing wisdom had been that some compulsory patriotism had to be required, and dissent limited, in order to preserve overall liberty and democracy. (I’ll just write it here as Collis does not: This is what many Christian nationalists on the right and leftists and “cancel culture” practitioners who shout down speakers on university campuses argue is “wrong” with our country: that dissent from their particular worldview is not stifled or outlawed.)

Justice Robert H. Jackson wrote a landmark opinion that argues from the evidence of world history: “Compulsory unification of opinion achieves only the unanimity of the graveyard…It seems trite but necessary to say that the First Amerndment to our Constitution was designed to avoid these ends by avoiding these beginnings.” Jackson wrote that if freedom to differ was limited to only trivial things, and not foundational questions, then “it would be a mere shadow of freedom” and not what our Founding Fathers upheld (loc. 100).

Collis returns to the Barnette case in Habit Six, where he again cites Jackson’s words that I found prescient for our 2024 political turmoil: “The very purpose of a Bill of Rights was to withdraw certain subjects from the vicissitudes of political controversy, to place them beyond the reach of majorities and officials and to establish them as legal principles…(these) fundamental rights…depend on the outcome of no elections.”

“Peacemakers” are those who “have mastered a certain level of…’agreeableness’” (loc. 143). Some of the 10 habits may seem like common sense or not meritorious of a full chapter. But several anecdotes are included that help move the book along and make the authors’ points.

Intellectual humility tops the list and I thought Collis’ examples were good. Research has shown that “once people learn a small amount about a subject, they surge to a ‘beginner’s bubble’ of overconfidence” (loc. 229, citing Sanchez and Dunning, 2018). The Dunning-Kruger effect illustrates how we tend to overestimate our ability or knowledge in specific areas (loc. 262). Collis notes that his entire academic career is devoted to only one subject: the First Amendment, but he writes that he still knows “only a fraction” and statistically close to zero percent of the universe of available knowledge.

This brings me to what I frequently try to remind myself and others: All of us have opinions, but none of us has much information. I learned that lesson from a much-criticized college basketball coach who admitted that when he watched his favorite NFL team he was guilty of the same fault of his own ignorant critics. Our brains are wired to take shortcuts and formulate opinions, and make decisions, based on the limited data available– such as a soundbyte or an excerpt from an article. Few of us do the research to read the entire speech or article and look up the sources. Thus, “it is a great achievement just to overcome the Dunning-Kruger Effect by reaching a point where our intellectual humility forces us to acknowledge that we don’t have all the answers” (loc. 272). Even if you really are the expert in the room, you can simply say “I’ve thought about this a lot…”

While I made highlights in every chapter, the four I find most challenging and recommend reading are Habit Three: Assume the Best about People, Havit Five: Hunt for the Best Argument Against You, Habit Six: Be Open to Change, and Habit Ten: Embrace the Discomfort of Non-Closure.

Collis notes that sometimes (historically, frequently) political opponents are friends who spend time with each other, pray with each other, and genuinely like each other. While today’s media push seems to be shunning this kind of behavior, it’s been part of the bedrock of the USA since its founding. As the author notes (in Habit Six), the Constitution is the remarkable result of the rules in writing it– all proposed amendments and votes were recorded anonymously, members of the Convention were forbidden from “leaking” proceedings to the press, and the members ate, drank, and slept in the same houses where they got to appreciate each other as people. The National Prayer Breakfast still brings people from across the aisle together for these purposes, but increasingly less for this harmful expectation that one keep himself “pure” from fraternizing with “the enemy.”

We would all be better off if we remember that even the people we find most difficult or most fundamentally opposed to our own beliefs are concerned about the same things we are– trying to make ends meet, taking care of our family, and navigating difficult circumstances that no one else knows about. “The world is not made up of people who agree with you on one side and fools or monsters on the other. Lots of intelligent, kindhearted, reasonable, logical people in this world have reached conclusions other than yours” (loc. 2721).

The author cautions “always, always hunt for the best argument against your position” (loc. 2693). You can start by asking “What is the cost to what you want to see happen in the world?” As an economist, I appreciated the reminder of opportunity cost. He also gives advice on dealing with bad arguments and straw men, as well as gaslighting, with an example from a recent political controversy. There’s a good reminder of being wary of slogans or catchphrases (“All Lives Matter” or “Defund the Police”) that lose the underlying reason or motivation behind them. Peacemakers must be open to the possibility that there may be a better path forward, no matter how much of an expert they are or how strongly they feel about it (loc. 3268).

Collis appeals to our universal senses of justice and the ideas of fundamental truths– such as accountability to a Creator– to help us consider the benefit of peacemaking. However, he hasn’t seemed to consider whether our genetic disposition, our birth order, or our upbringings have affected our proclivity to be a peacemaker. Jonathan Haidt’s work suggests that genetics explain more of our political party affiliation than other factors, and I imagine there may be similar work to how well we are willing to embrace the ten habits.

In Habit Ten, the author encourages us to “look for opportunities to feel comfortable in the space between” two polar arguments, or the space between our position and our erstwhile opponent. He calls this space the “Realm of Reasonableness” (loc. 4029). I find myself disposed to be comfortable in this space, my whole life I have been that person to say “Can’t we all just get along?” and seek compromise where others seek a fight. The author finds this a virtue, and research shows such proclivity is also correlated with education (loc. 4076). But I again wonder if there are other genetic or environmental factors at play.

Habit Ten did leave me with one of the more important takeaways in the book, which came from a fellow attorney: “The decided are always gentle.” Peacemakers are still welcome to reach conclusions on particular topics and to stand up for what they believe to be right as well as convince others of the merits of our argument. But we must be gentle.

The author does not explicitly cite the Gospels in the book, but I found Jesus often came to mind while reading it; Collis seems to truly understand the concept of work as worship. He who said “Blessed are the peacemakers,” described himself as “gentle and lowly of heart,” despite also claiming ultimate authority as the Son of God. I found the author’s work ultimately challenged to be more like Jesus in my everyday interactions with people, and in my respect for them as souls created in God’s image with the same basic needs and wants as myself.

Five stars.

[Natalie Olsen · Rating 5 out of 5]

Habit #1 Intellectual humility

A little learning = stop searching for answers
Keep searching for answers
Acting without enough information

Recognize how much there is to know
Recognize how little we know!
A little learning is a dangerous thing
Over-confidence among beginners

Humility, caution … then feel like experts
How little we know. Even the things we really “know” a lot about.
Unread books = anti-library

Habit #2 Seek real learning

Habit #3 Assume the best in others

Confirmation bias

Reframing. The attack against them.
Look behind the hostility
To find out what the root cause of it
“To determine what is motivating it”
They take that information seriously

Forgive everyone
Practice forgiveness regularly
Quick to forgive

Habit #4 Don’t feed people’s worst fears

Peacemakers engage in selfless service
Thinking of and doing for others
We improve ourselves by focusing on lifting others
Never stop developing the attribute of selfless Love for others
Strive to control their emotions
Slow to state strong opinions
Gently
Develop selfless love for others

Habit #5 Hunt for the best argument against you

Calmly keep the issue— on topic
Not gaslighting

Habit #6 Be open to change

Avoid toxic tribalism
Peacemakers are leaders, recognize how little they know, seek truth from a variety of sources, listen, ask questions, willing to change their minds, stand up for beliefs
Moral courage

Habit #7 Spend time with people

Doing uplifting things
“The people we love and people we don’t know”

Habit #8 A sliver of humor

Habit #9 Seek inner peace

Mindfulness (staying in the present, the here and now)
Meditation
Intentional breathing
Journaling - “research shows that journaling is helpful for nearly every measure of mental and emotional health”
Reading - a priority
Limit social media
Prayer, the study of sacred texts, worship

Habit #10 Embrace the discomfort of non-closure
Being comfortable with uncertainty, and differences of opinion

“The decided are always gentle”
How we treat others — a selfless desire to lift them up, no matter who they are
Make people’s days brighter, everywhere we go
Selflessness, and selfless love
Small acts of kindness
“Don’t speak ill of others behind their backs, or to their face”
Not raising your voice in anger

Reflecting your core values through an example of serenity and civility

How we treat others matters

Civility, kindness, respect, thoughtfulness, pure knowledge, flexibility

[Julie Carpenter · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is a book that will have you thinking a lot of how you interact and react in situations and conversations with family, friends, acquaintances and strangers. It is filled with a lot of great advice and information to help us pause and think about how we converse with others. Do we jump to conclusions? Do we always assume that we are right? Do we assume that we know everything there is to know? And honestly, when we really stop to think about these questions and many others, we come to realize that we probably do jump to conclusions, we probably think we're right a lot of the time and that we know most everything there is to know. When in all actuality, we don't really know everything and we aren't always right. There are several ways to approach something and the angle that we look at it, isn't always exactly right, or how the other person perceives it.

I really liked how the author pointed out for us to have healthy discussions and learn to understand each other. That we don't have to agree for one or the other to know it all or be right. But we should learn to listen (both sides), have healthy discussions and open to learning from and understanding the other person and vice versa.

There's so much more in this book. It is definitely one I would highly recommend everyone reads. Even if they don't implement all of his advice, I think just each of us taking something from it and working on that will help lead to healthier discussions and less frustration or anger between people. Especially when social media is an easy place for people to comment and leave their opinions as law and stir up trouble and back and forth arguing over something that is not worth the "fight" that ensues.

Let's be slower to jump to conclusions and take a moment to understand. There would be so much more accomplished if we all did so.

Content: This book is a non-fiction book. The author is a lawyer and he draws from many of his experiences and interactions with people, many of which are positive due to both parties being able to follow a lot of these habits he discusses.

I received a copy from the publisher, Shadow Mountain Publishing, via NetGalley. All thoughts and opinions in the review are my own.

Happy Reading!!!

[Alisha · Rating 5 out of 5]

I highly recommend this book! It takes a very logical approach to a spiritual concept. It is written for mixed religions and philosophies yet includes many gospel principles and quotes from church leaders. I want to get me a hard copy of it so I can review the chapter summaries. I found it very interesting and enlightening.

[Melanie · Rating 5 out of 5]

Kinda feel like everyone should read this book. I love the idea that peacemaking is a skill we can practice and get better at. My favorite skills are being genuinely curious and humble.

Quotes:

Unsurprisingly, peacemakers employ many of the habits that make them effective long before they are in actual conversations.

“A little learning is a dangerous thing. Drink deep or taste not.” - Alexander Pope
Too often we act with very little information, sometimes to devastating results.

Keeping books on my shelves reminds me of how little I know.

Adopting intellectual humility can help us form the habit of framing conversations in a way that helps everyone involved discover new truths.

One of the best methods for framing is to show that all participants are trying to solve a problem, and that most of them likely do not have all the information that they need to do so. Everyone involved can work together to a shared solution, recognizing they don’t have as much knowledge as they thought they did.

Engage in daily acts of real learning through life. Be judicious about our news sources.

Cable news has learned that their primary tools for keeping people turned in are breaking news and anger.

Illusory truth effect- repeated claims are more often to be judged as true than non repeated or novel claims. This is because of processing fluency.

Heuristics are the strategies we create to navigate practical problems based on previous experiences.

They are imprecise. Invoking them inevitably leads to arguments unless we know how to respond to them. Understand what the person means when they say it. They can have different meanings. Then decide where you do agree and where you don’t. Then you can have a fruitful discussion. Your questions should be sincere, not to score a rhetorical point.

Peacemakers do not allow themselves to fall for the manipulation. They take charge of what they consume. They act and are not merely acted upon. They are deliberate and conscious about the news they take in. They distinguish between opinion and real news.

Part of seeking real learning is recognizing that whatever conclusions we have reached may be proven wrong as we learn more than we know now. That should make us slow to come to conclusions and hesitant to dig in our heals when we do.

Peacemakers are slow to come to conclusions. We can engage in “metacognitive training.” To train our brains to recognize our biases and to train our unwieldy overconfidence.

It is very difficult to get outside of our own thoughts- thought distortions. Our emotions cloud our judgment. Metacognition helps with that. Creates emotional distance.

An important habit of peacemakers is that they assume the best about people and their intentions. If they disagree with someone, they squelch the urge to assume the person has bad motives. They recognize that the person in question has less information than they do.

Asking sincere, non-rhetorical questions of those with whom you are talking about the world’s important topics is one of the best ways to understand who they are and what makes them tick. Realize they probably aren’t monsters just because they disagree with you.

Listen to learn. Ask questions and listen to the answers until a question is asked of you. You may have points you want to make. You may have opinions you want to share. Hopefully as you listen those points and opinions are growing more sophisticated. When they ask you a question you have your window to share your thinking.

Forgiveness is a habit that peacemakers engage in regularly.

Bias awareness is a cousin, maybe even a sibling of intellectual humility. Both encourage us to pause, proceed with caution to examine a little bit more of what we think we know and compare it to what we might be able to learn.

Always hunt for the best argument against your position.

Peacemakers calmly but firmly keep the conversation on topic. They do not allow themselves to be pulled into debates that are different from the issue at hand.

Retaining the ability to change our minds is a critical practice of peacemakers. Being open to more truth is pointless if we are not willing to allow that truth to affect that thinking.

At the end of the day, peacemakers are leaders. They acknowledge how little they know, they seek truth and knowledge from a variety of sources, they listen and ask questions of those with whom they disagree, they are willing to change their minds, and when they finally do reach a conclusion on a particular issue, they stand up for it, even if it means standing alone.

There are the people we love and there are the people we don’t know.

For those of us who are parents, God seems to give each of us at least one child that will help us become more like Him.

The power of a good joke- sets people at ease, makes them want to listen to you. When someone is funny, we assume they must also be a great person, especially when jokes are well timed and not at the expense of another.

Peacemakers take the time in their lives to engage in habits that cultivate inner peace, which then permeates outward into the rest of their lives.

Establish a habit of reading. Make it as easy as possible. Ensure we have books that might interest us all over our home.

Most of us don’t fall cleanly on one side of a societal problem or the other. We likely find we lie somewhere between the extremes. Everything pushes us toward the extremes. Rather than allowing ourselves to fall into the trap of being pulled to extreme positions, we can instead look for those opportunities to feel comfortable in the space between them - the realm of reasonableness. Ask “Will taking actions on my position yield absurd results?”

The decided are always gentle.

[Kaylene · Rating 5 out of 5]

4.75! I didn't give it 5 stars because there were a few times it was a lil boring.

I love this book! it gives great tips on efforts to understand someone else's point of view as well as take time to form and even change personal opinions. the last chapter was my favorite. he talks about living in extremes and how the majority of us have opinions between extremes. even though we may understand black and white ideals better, there is always middle ground.

highly recommend!

[Chloe B · Rating 4 out of 5]

Listened to this book on Spotify and loved it! It holds great reminders in personal, professional, and political spheres. I found the advice and lessons meaningful and practical, often with anecdotes that helped me think about the situations and applications of such. I loved hearing about forgiveness, intellectual humility, and how to disagree with others in a fruitful and non-defensive way.

[Lexi Ramirez · Rating 5 out of 5]

I was very impressed with this book. I think that everyone, regardless of personal beliefs, should read it.

[Katie · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is a book I definitely would listen to again.

[Chrisanne · Rating 5 out of 5]

What a grace-full tone. The information is good too, but it was the tone that really sold it. Highly recommend to anyone and everyone.

[Tiffany Smart · Rating 5 out of 5]

The title of this book should actually be called “How to Be an Adult Successfully.” These are pearls of wisdom.

[Krystene · Rating 5 out of 5]

Great reminders. I like that he, as a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, shares similar teachings. Christ-like teachings. Who was the ultimate peacemaker.

[Marissa · Rating 4 out of 5]

Narration was okay which made it kind of hard to be absorbed. The principles were good with examples that helped illustrate the points

[Courtney Hatch · Rating 3 out of 5]

I feel like this covered a lot of the same ground as Crucial Conversations, which I liked better possibly because I read it first. There is a wild moment in Habit 3 (ironically about seeing the best in others) where he goes on a wild rampage against poststructuralism and postmodernism in a great unintentional example of a straw man fallacy. It is super bizarre and really undermines his credibility—I’m surprised an editor or reviewer didn’t point this out and suggest scaling it back.

[Rachel · Rating 4 out of 5]

Insightful, enlightening, and helpful. Much-needed information in this divisive current culture.

[Nicole · Rating 4 out of 5]

4.5 stars

This was a very interesting and helpful book. The world definitely needs more of this approach of learning how to deal with others who have differing views from our own. The habits are logical, and I can see how they would make a huge impact in conversations and getting along with others around us. However, in my daily interactions with others, I see mostly examples of the people and situations the author refers to as just ignoring the situation/subject so that you don't have to deal with the animosity/conflict because of how tempers so easily flare and how others simply think their view is the only correct way and not being open to listening to others, so I know implementing these habits is going to take a lot of work and perserverence.

The author uses the very prominent and very problematic social media platforms as examples of many conflicts and ways to not engage or to have productive conversations, as well as in-person conversations. The author explains how our brains react to social media and smart phone usage and how problematic it can be (we know this, but did we know why?? and not just for teens but for ourselves -- so much important info explained at the beginning of this book) and how/why those online interactions flare so quickly and escalate so dramatically. Since finishing this book, I have found myself trying to slow down and think back to what I have read in this book, with online and in-person situations, although gut instinct still makes me forget to take that time! I have tried for a long time even before reading this book to not engage online, even in what I think may be a productive manner, but now I really understand what those developers are doing with their programs/apps and also why tempers flare so quickly in online posts.

This is a great book with so many helpful tools and examples of situations to use the 10 habits in to help the reader try to implement them and become better at peaceful interactions with others. The author uses humor in some of his examples and is mostly very clear in his presentation and explanations, though there were times I had to look some things up that he was referring to that weren't common knowledge to me. I really can see how the author's 10 habits would help so many situations be less confrontational and lead to more helpful conversations and solutions between not just leaders or in work situations (and it definitely would help in politics, ha ha!!) but also in every-day relationships (marriage, parenting, friendships) and our interactions. I definitely think this should be a must-read book for everyone to help us through lasting relationships and situations to become more productive and more peaceful and pleasant and form stronger foundations to deal with problem-solving and positive experiences with those around us.

I started this 2 months ago and finished before the recent election, but after the election results and reading some online comments and listening to the media, I definitely was more aware of what the author is trying to share with this book, not just the habits but how things are worded and used to ignite outrage and pique interest and capture ratings, etc. Probably the biggest take-away that I have personally struggled with accepting and not getting hung up, and it's obvious many other people struggle with accepting as well, is that it really is okay to disagree, but we can still work through things with peaceful, productive conversations and approaches and move forward in a more positive and productive manner (yes, I've used those two words a lot in this review!!). I highlighted so many things in my digital copy of this book. I am going to be purchasing a physical copy of this book to try to refer back to when I need reminders and help of how to better approach situations more peacefully so that I can hopefully have more positive and productive interactions with others.

***I received a digital copy of this book from the publisher via NetGalley in exchange for my honest review.***

[Tracie Hall · Rating 5 out of 5]

Habits of a Peacemaker: 10 Habits to Change Our Potentially Toxic Conversations into Healthy Dialogues by Steven T. Collis

BIBLIOGRAPHIC DETAILS
PRINT: © September 3, 2024; ‎ 978-1639932979; Shadow Mountain; 256 pages; unabridged (Hardbound Info from Amazon.com) Available also Digitally (same publisher, 273 pages) and in Audio (September 3, 2020, same publisher, 9 hours, 16 mins.)
FILM: No

SERIES: No.

CHARACTERS:
N/A

SUMMARY/ EVALUATION:
SELECTED: I thought this was one that I’d queued up from the bottom of the Audible Library list, but it turned out my husband had JUST added it, so I listened to it out of turn. Oh well. It’s nice to get to one while it’s still current.
ABOUT: Developing the skill of analyzing topics at the outset, before getting sucked into an emotional reaction. Learning to re-frame your interlocutor’s (often antagonistic) statement or question with a logical assessment of what seems to be their point so it can be calmly discussed. The author believes that debatable topics should not be avoided because the best solutions can often come from two people approaching the topic from opposite viewpoints.
OVERALL IMPRESSION: I found this enlightening and useful and hope to find time to read the author’s other books, and a few by other authors that are mentioned in this one.

AUTHOR:
Steven T. Collins. (From Kennesaw State University)
“Dr. Stephen Collins serves as the Faculty Coordinator of the International Affairs, BA degree program. He earned his Ph.D. in political science from Johns Hopkins University. Dr. Collins teaches a variety of courses in the International Affairs and Political Science degree programs including American Government, American Foreign Policy, Careers in International Affairs, International Political Economy, and Introduction to International Relations. His published research examines diplomacy, democracy, economic development, international conflict and conflict resolution, nuclear weapons, political communication, and terrorism.”

NARRATOR:
Traber Burns (Excerpt From IMDb)
A native of south Louisiana and graduate of Tulane University. After graduating from the American Conservatory Theatre's Advanced Training Program in San Francisco, he spent the next 30 years working primarily in regional theatre, with occasional film and television work. He moved to Los Angeles in the Fall of 2003 (after the birth of his son), and now lives in southern Oregon.
ME: The narration was well done.

GENRE: Non-fiction; Communication and Social Skills

SUBJECTS: First Amendment issues; Religion; Speech; Press; Constitution; Protests; LGBTQ; Hot topics; Disagreements; Productive conversations; Politics; Family relations; Reframing subjects; Assumptions; Research; Dunning Kruger effect; Humility; Respect; Argument; Socialize; Spiritual Practices; Humor; Objectivity; Peace-maker; Seeking opposite views; Activism; Academia; Heuristics; sophisticated disconfirming evidence; Echo Chambers; Straw Manning arguments; Steel Manning arguments; Divisive Issues; Meditation; Intentional Breathing; Non-closure; Journaling; Reading

DEDICATION:
“For Jon. See you on the other side.”

SAMPLE QUOTATION:
Excerpt From “Introduction”
“When most people hear what I do for a living, they think I’m insane. As a law professor at a leading law school who specializes in the First Amendment, I get paid to discuss, full-time, the most pressing and divisive issues in our society: abortion, LGBTQ+ rights, racism, religious liberty, freedom of speech, academic freedom, the role of the media in our society, and the constitutional law. I travel all over discussing those matters, from Rome to London, to Canada, to Eastern Europe and South America, to every corner of the United States. I speak with media, academics, diplomats from around the world, foreign and domestic judges, high schoolers, religious leaders, college and graduate students, devout churchgoers, devoted atheists and agnostics, members of the LGBTQ+ community, those who believe traditional notions of sexuality, and people across the ideological spectrum. But here’s what will surprise most readers: as of yet, neither I nor the people I speak with have experienced a negative outcome in our conversations. In truth, they have always been productive. I often come away with a sense of mutual respect, having learned something new; and, hopefully, my interlocutors have felt the same. Together, almost always, we have inched a bit closer to finding solutions to some of society’s most pressing problems.
This book is born of those experiences—moments when people who are so very different from one another find a way to reach across the chasm and enjoy a time of productive peace in each other’s presence. I want others to have those moments, and to have them often. Among us are those who have learned the practical skills to do this. Peacemakers. This book aims to pass their habits on to you.
At the outset, I want to be clear: I do not purport to offer solutions to the world’s complex problems. I don’t have all the answers. I hope you will come to see that you don’t either. The issues humanity faces are complicated. They require multiple minds working together to discover and craft sophisticated solutions. That is why we need ideas and the building steps to a new and brighter world. As Judge Learned Hand once said in a judicial opinion, our system “presupposes that right conclusions are more likely to be gathered out of a multiple of tongues, than through any kind of authoritative selection. To many this is, and always will be, folly; but we have stake upon it our all.”
Most of us realize that the core of the world’s political discourse is rotting. We all see the sickness. We would also like to be part of the solution, not just in society, but in our homes and with our acquaintances. Our problem is that we don’t know what to do. Hopefully, understanding and implementing these habits will help.
In many respects, the entire system in the peaceful countries of the world is dependent on the belief that we can do what I am discussing here. In the United States, eighty years ago, the Supreme Court captured why. It did something quite remarkable. Some people today won’t believe the story. In a series of cases in the early 1940s, during World War II, groups of Jehovah’s Witnesses challenged whether public schools could force their children to pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States. According to their religious beliefs, they could pledge allegiance to God, not to anything or anyone else. They asked the Supreme Court of the United States to rule that, under the Free Speech Clause of the Constitution, they were free to choose not to say the Pledge of Allegiance.
They lost ever case.
Then, between 1942 and 1943, three justices on the court retired. The president appointed their replacements, and the Senate confirmed them. Some of the remaining justices changed their minds. With those changes, the court recalled each of the Jehovah’s Witness Pledge cases and reversed them all. Think about that. Were this to happen today, it’s not hard to imagine the media circus that would follow, with any number of pundits and X junkies sounding off on the justices and the legitimacy of their decisions. Instead, it all happened relatively quietly, with a few newspapers commenting on it and little fanfare. . . .”

RATING:
5 stars.

STARTED-FINISHED
4/6/2025-4/9/2025

[Leann Arave · Rating 4 out of 5]

After the first chapter, I thought “I need a dumb down version”. It was not the direction I thought this book would go, it seemed to be more scientific, intellectual, and not the common classic answers. As I continue to read, there were parts that made a lot of sense to me cutting back on social media, Integrating more diversity in your knowledge (As in, Don’t listen to one type of broadcast, don’t let social media algorithms control your thinking…) I also enjoyed some of the history examples to make a point. In the long run, I think everyone could pull good information out of this book. I just had to let something’s go over my head, but that’s OK. Someone else may take the information they need to hopefully make themselves a better peace builder. The one thing that drove me nuts was in the very beginning he said that you can read the chapters in any order. Yet every chapter he comments that he will go into detail at a later time. I would suggest to follow it chapter by chapter. I’m so happy I endured to the day end. It really was helpful and informative. I think I would benefit from going back and rereading many parts of it. I received a complimentary copy of this book. Opinions expressed in this review are completely my own.

[Missy · Rating 4 out of 5]

The first half of the book was better than the second half. I couldn't tell if he came up with the title first and then had to find the 10 habits to fit the title, but I got more out of how to have healthy dialogue from the first six chapters then the last four.

Some favorite insights:
* If we want to engage in productive, health conversations with those close to use, the first step is for everyone involved to recognize how little they often know about many topics.

*Many people start out with a level of humility and caution. But then, quickly after they learn a small amount about a subject, they begin to feel they are experts.

*Dunning-Kruger Effect is the tendency of people who have low ability or knowledge in a specific area to overestimate their ability or knowledge ... when we know almost nothing about a subject, we tend to have strong opinions about it.

*Intellectual humility is the first step toward framing conversations in a way that results in positive dialogue.

*Just feeling like you know more than the person you're talking with does not make you an expert. And even if you are an expert on a broad subject, you will not be an expert regarding someone else's experiences.

*No one is generating new ideas in a vacuum.

*By allowing others to inspect our thinking and our conclusions, we come closer to the truth. It is scary and gut-wrenching, but it identifies weaknesses where we are wrong. It inspires new thoughts in others where we are right.

*Processing fluency: the more a claim is repeated, the more familiar it becomes and the easier it is to process.

*We tend to make decisions with our intuition and gut, instead of by processing information to see if it's accurate. It also happens because, too often, we seek information with a goal of finding information that will confirm the conclusions we have already reached.

*Peacemakers do not allow themselves to fall for manipulation. They take charge of what they consume. They act, and are not merely acted upon. ... Most peacemakers are very deliberate in how they use social media.

*We are not driven by emotion when we analyze someone else's thoughts, but our emotions cloud our judgment when we are dealing with our own thinking.

*Peacemakers assume the best about people and their intentions.

*Sincerity is key.

*Asking questions of the people in your life helps you better understand their concerns.

*Peacemakers ask genuine questions, and they listen for complete answers. (Keep asking questions and listening to answers until a question is asked of you.)

*Too often, too many people allow their few points of disagreements to dominate their relationships, but if you pause long enough to think about your doubters, you will realize that you share much in common.

*The better approach if we fear that a particular conversation is being framed in a way that preserves one side's power at the expense of others is to point out the unfairness of the dynamic and politely request the conversation be framed in different terms. Or, as we discussed earlier, you can take charge and reframe the conversation yourself. Abandoning the conversation altogether, or silencing one side of it, achieves nothing.

*People do offensive things all the time, and peacemakers don't allow that to control their own behavior.

*When your everyday behavior signals you are someone who values others, they will take you seriously.

*Peacemakers learn they do not need recognition. ... In your own life, develop the habit of not seeking praise for your own contributions and instead try to highlight the great work of those around you, including those with whom you disagree. ... A second, equally important habit is being slow to state the conclusions we have reached.

*We improve ourselves by focusing on lifting others. ... If you spend your life doing nothing but working on loving others, it will have been a life worth living.

*If we want to understand our own positions, we must understand the arguments against it.

*Peacemakers are not afraid of arguments or facts that challenge their worldview.

*A fact may be true, but that doesn't mean it proves a broader point or is worth fighting about.

*Retaining the ability to change our minds is a critical practice of peacemakers.

*Standing alone is often the mark of leadership. ... At the end of the day, peacemakers are leaders. They acknowledge how little they know, they seek truth and knowledge from a variety of sources, they listen and ask questions of those with whom they disagree, they are willing to change their minds, and when they finally do reach a conclusion on a particular issue, they stand up for it, even if it means standing alone.

*"There are the people we love, and there are the people we don't know."

*For those of us who are parents, God seems to give each of us at least one child that will help us become more like him.

*A place of certainty is a comfortable place to be. It can also be deadly.

*Those who allow themselves to get pulled into the extremes will find it increasingly difficult to engage in helpful conversations with those around them.

[Monica H at The Readathon · Rating 4 out of 5]

I really liked Habits of a Peace Maker! I learned so much about how to better my conversations. The book is well researched, well laid out, and well written. Collis has definitely done his homework, and you can tell he knows what he is talking about. Steven T. Collis works as a law professor at a major university, specializing in the First Amendment. He speaks all over the world, to people with all different backgrounds and opinions, and manages to have respectful and productive conversations.

Collis lays out ten habits that he feels people can use to also have respectful and productive conversations. He uses many examples to show and explain his ten habits. I won’t go into all of them—you’ll need to read the book—but I’ll discuss a few of my favorites.

Habit #1 is Intellectual Humility and Reframing. Even though Collis is an expert on the First Amendment of the Constitution, he will still go into a conversation with humility, understanding that even he does not understand or know everything there is to know. Wow, right? So what makes the rest of us think we know what we are talking about? We read one article or listen to one podcast and think we understand and have answers to complex situations. So, he says, be humble, acknowledge that you may not have all the answers, and reframe the conversation in a productive way.

Habit #3 is Assume the best about people. Just because someone doesn’t come to the same conclusion as you do does not mean that person is a bad person, is uninformed, or has evil intent. That person has come by his/her opinions honestly and is most likely trying to do the best he/she can in the situation. That person may actually have more or different information about a situation that we do. So what should we do? Collis says we should ask questions to better understand others’ positions and motivations.

Habit #6 is Be Open to Change. (Gasp!) Collis states that one responsibility of being a peacemaker is to be open to change. The previous habits focused more on being civil during discussions, but this habit is more of an action statement. Putting all the previous habits into use doesn’t help us much if we aren’t willing to set aside our differences or change our opinions if we learn new information or are presented with new ideas. We should be open to more truth and be willing to allow that truth to affect our thoughts and actions.

I only shared three of the ten habits, but as you can see, they’re all so good! Difficult to put into action—but so good! He’s definitely not asking us all to do something easy—our egos get in the way—but very worthwhile. Habits of a Peace Maker is full of mic drop moments and wonderful nuggets that can help us all bring down the temperature of our discourse. I think we all have more in common than we think we do, and putting these habits into action will help us all understand each other more and find common ground.

Content Rating: G
• Profanity: None
• Intimacy: None
• Violence: None
Age Recommendation: YA+

You may read my full review on my website: thereadathon.com.

[Spencer Reads Everything · Rating 5 out of 5]

Steven T. Collis’s Habits of a Peacemaker is a thoughtful and timely meditation on what it truly means to build peace not just in the abstract or geopolitical sense, but in the deeply personal, everyday realm of human relationships. Drawing on history, legal theory, scriptural exegesis, and personal anecdotes, Collis offers a structured approach to peacemaking that feels both ancient and urgently contemporary.

The book is built around ten “habits,” each one grounded in principle but intended to be lived. What impressed me most was how Collis refuses to sentimentalize the idea of peace. He doesn’t pretend that peacemaking is easy or passive instead, he underscores how demanding it is to seek peace from a position of strength, clarity, and humility. This is not a call to avoid conflict, but rather a framework for how to engage it meaningfully and morally. He makes a compelling case that peace is something we do, not something we merely hope for.

Collis cites figures like Martin Luther King Jr., Gandhi, and Abraham Lincoln alongside spiritual leaders and legal philosophers, creating a rich tapestry of sources that situates his arguments in a broad ethical tradition.

One of the standout sections for me explored the relationship between justice and mercy. Collis invites the reader to consider how seeking justice and offering mercy are not opposing forces but mutually reinforcing practices in the life of a peacemaker. His legal background adds depth to this discussion, helping readers see how mercy does not mean abandoning accountability, and how real peace requires both truth and reconciliation.

The prose is clean, occasionally lyrical, and always accessible. It’s the kind of writing that invites reflection and rereading. While some chapters felt more impactful than others—inevitable in a book built around a list of practices—the overall experience was consistent, grounded, and deeply sincere.

This is the kind of book I would recommend to anyone feeling overwhelmed by the divisiveness of our times or uncertain about how to respond to conflict in their personal, professional, or civic life. It’s a guidebook for ethical living, written with a kind of gentle moral authority that avoids preaching and instead invites transformation.

If you’ve ever asked yourself what it means to be a disciple of peace in a world that seems increasingly fractured, Habits of a Peacemaker offers not only insight but tools.

For more check out my video review:
https://youtu.be/ocMeWhLidgY
For more from Steven T. Collis check out these videos:
https://youtu.be/AUlMginSqPM
https://youtu.be/9PvFlujpgh8
For more reviews check out of my channel:
http://www.youtube.com/@SpencerReadsE...

[Teri · Rating 4 out of 5]

Very surprised by how much I enjoyed this book.

I am not one that goes for any "self help" type books on how to "improve" this that or the other. Because in today's world, just like all things, there is so much garbage out there that it's draining to try to figure out what's true and right and what's not. I stick to known paths of improvement.

But we are about to have a fireside in our area where Collis will be the guest speaker and I heard about this book, and thought I'd like to know what Collis is about, and what his own education, experience, expertise and wisdom have to teach others.

This book has give me pause several times to think and rethink how I live my own life in terms of interpersonal relationships and communication. There is always room for improvement and I felt peace (pun intended) as I listened to this audiobook and pondered the principles taught. It inspired me to "up" my game a bit and try a bit harder to be MORE of a peacemaker.

To be clear, he does not say that one needs to abandon morals or principles and he does not say one needs to cower to others in order to have peace. We must stand our ground when it is important to do so, but so many times we only *think* we know what we're talking about, when in reality we truly don't. And even when we do, it is always beneficial to listen to the other side, consider their viewpoint and what we can learn from it, and get along regardless of how far apart our positions or beliefs might be. We can disagree without becoming disagreeable - is a favorite quote of mine, and while Collis doesn't use those exact words, he essentially supports the idea behind them.

Be your best self, and always remember that we never "arrive" at "knowing it all". Therefore, listen to others, even if you think there's nothing there to learn. At least you will give them time and respect, and who knows.... the majority of time, we just might learn something from the experience anyway.

He has several stories he uses as examples of the principles he teaches and a couple of them had me rolling on the floor! Haha! It was very enjoyable! Highly recommend for anyone 15+ (level of maturity needed to wrap your brain around these principles being taught.)

[Christina Z · Rating 3 out of 5]

Came to this via a lecture on "How Mind's Change" by David McRaney. Below are my notes and homework to try. It's hard to get past #1 sometimes. Judgement is real. Humility is key.

1. Establish rapport. Assure the other person you aren't out to shame them, and then ask for consent to explore their reasoning.
2. Ask how strongly they feel about an issue on a scale of one to ten.
3. Share a story about someone affected by the issue.
4. Ask a second time how strongly they feel. If the number moved, ask why.
5. Once they've settled, ask, "Why does that number feel right to you?"
6. Once they've offered their reasons, repeat them back in your own words. Ask if you've done a good job summarizing. Repeat until they are satisfied.
7. Ask if there was a time in their life before they felt that way, and if so, what led to their current attitude?
8. Listen, summarize, repeat.
9. Briefly share your personal story of how you reached your position, but do not argue.
10. Ask for their rating a final time, then wrap up and wish them well.

Homework:
1. Last movie or show you watched?
2. Scale from 1 - 10
3. Why not higher?
4. Similar movie / show you'd rate higher?
5. What was better about it?


Here's the Cliffsnotes on the book:

1. Intellectual Humility: Recognizing you might not have all the answers and being open to learning.
2. Break Digital Manipulation: Freeing yourself from social media algorithms that fuel polarization.
3. Ask Good Questions: Seeking to understand others' motivations, not just their opinions.
4. Hunt for the Best Argument Against You: Actively seeking challenging viewpoints to strengthen your understanding.
5. Manage Emotions: Taming thought distortions and strong feelings to stay calm.
6. Embrace Disagreement/Non-Closure: Sitting with discomfort and not needing immediate resolution.
7. Be Present & Connect: Prioritizing real human connection over digital distraction.
8. Assume Good Intentions: Believing others mean well until proven otherwise, reducing conflict.
9. Cultivate Inner Peace: Using practices like mindfulness, reflection, and journaling.
10. Be Willing to Change: Accepting that learning can shift your perspective.