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The Upside of Your Dark Side: Why Being Your Whole Self--Not Just Your "Good" Self--Drives Success and Fulfillment
In The Upside of Your Dark Side, two pioneering researchers in the field of psychology show that while mindfulness, kindness, and positivity can take us far, they cannot take us all the way. Sometimes, they can even hold us back. Emotions such as anger, anxiety, guilt, and sadness might feel uncomfortable, but it turns out that they are also incredibly useful. For instance:
• Anger fuels creativity
• Guilt sparks improvement
• Self-doubt enhances performance
In the same vein, we can become wiser and more effective when we harness the darker parts of our personality in certain situations. For instance:
• Selfishness increases courage
• Mindlessness leads to better decisions
The key lies in what the authors call “emotional, social, and mental agility,” the ability to access our full range of emotions and behavior—not just the “good” ones—in order to respond most effectively to whatever situation we might encounter.
Drawing on years of scientific research and a wide array of real-life examples including sports, the military, parenting, education, romance, business, and more, The Upside of Your Dark Side is a refreshing reality check that shows us how we can truly maximize our potential. With an appreciation of our entire psychological toolkit, we become whole—which allows us to climb the highest peaks and handle the deepest valleys.
• Anger fuels creativity
• Guilt sparks improvement
• Self-doubt enhances performance
In the same vein, we can become wiser and more effective when we harness the darker parts of our personality in certain situations. For instance:
• Selfishness increases courage
• Mindlessness leads to better decisions
The key lies in what the authors call “emotional, social, and mental agility,” the ability to access our full range of emotions and behavior—not just the “good” ones—in order to respond most effectively to whatever situation we might encounter.
Drawing on years of scientific research and a wide array of real-life examples including sports, the military, parenting, education, romance, business, and more, The Upside of Your Dark Side is a refreshing reality check that shows us how we can truly maximize our potential. With an appreciation of our entire psychological toolkit, we become whole—which allows us to climb the highest peaks and handle the deepest valleys.
304 pages, Hardcover
First published September 25, 2014
336 people are currently reading
4120 people want to read
About the author
Todd Kashdan
9 books150 followersDr. Todd B. Kashdan's broad mission is to increase the amount of well-being in this world as a professor, scientist, author, and consultant. He uses cutting-edge science to help people function optimally in life and business. He is the author of three books.
He is a Professor of Psychology at George Mason University. He received the Distinguished Scientific Early Career Award from the American Psychological Association and the Distinguished Faculty Member of the Year Award. He has been cited over 56,000 times with the publication of over 260 scholarly articles. He's a twin with twin 18-year-old daughters (plus one more), with plans to rapidly populate the world with great conversationalists.
He is a Professor of Psychology at George Mason University. He received the Distinguished Scientific Early Career Award from the American Psychological Association and the Distinguished Faculty Member of the Year Award. He has been cited over 56,000 times with the publication of over 260 scholarly articles. He's a twin with twin 18-year-old daughters (plus one more), with plans to rapidly populate the world with great conversationalists.
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 150 reviews
October 4, 2014
I think overall for the average person this is a decent reminder that we should not forget about the entire experience of human life. The lows are important as are the highs. Yet the authors tend to review the negative emotions ( and really they only discuss basic things like anger, anxiety, depression and guilt) as surface emotions. Their discussion of depression is really about feeling sad, and there is a big difference. When they discuss anxiety they are talking about nerves, not true anxiety. The argument that we shouldn't worry about depression because "only" 38 out of 100 times will it turn into multiple bouts of depression - a situation that can literally kill you - is laughable.
For the most part there are some good reminders, but the fact that Kashdan has published more than 125 articles on how to gain more happiness, and up until now Biswas-diener has touted himself as a similar positive psychology expert, leads me to believe this is a contrarian attempt for publicity. Just last year Kashdan was selling us a treatise on why we should all be mindful. In this book he claims now we are obsessed with it unnecessarily.
. Readers should keep in mind their examples deal with the every day versions of these negative emotions, not the deeper, more dangerous aspects of shame, depression, grief and others. It would have been a much more interesting book had it dealt with the transformation that occurs for humans when they do delve into and attempt to recover from those deeper and more problematic emotions. Unfortunately neither author has the background in clinical psychology or direct therapy experience to write such a book.
For the most part there are some good reminders, but the fact that Kashdan has published more than 125 articles on how to gain more happiness, and up until now Biswas-diener has touted himself as a similar positive psychology expert, leads me to believe this is a contrarian attempt for publicity. Just last year Kashdan was selling us a treatise on why we should all be mindful. In this book he claims now we are obsessed with it unnecessarily.
. Readers should keep in mind their examples deal with the every day versions of these negative emotions, not the deeper, more dangerous aspects of shame, depression, grief and others. It would have been a much more interesting book had it dealt with the transformation that occurs for humans when they do delve into and attempt to recover from those deeper and more problematic emotions. Unfortunately neither author has the background in clinical psychology or direct therapy experience to write such a book.
November 11, 2015
Perhaps this may have been a 4 star book if it didn't take me 8 months to finish. It contained some good 'against the grain' facts on the benefits of our darker side. I enjoyed it repeatedly pointing out the fact that it's abnormal to be, or to strive to be, happy all the time. People pursuing this are as insane as economists and politicians who are of the belief that we can have continuing economic growth in a world of finite resources.
September 20, 2014
A hallmark of good book, especially in psychology, is one that sparks the lightbulb moment of "hm, I never thought about it like that". A hallmark of a great book is one that shifts your worldview. The Upside of Your Darkside is one of the few books that belongs in this club.
Bookstores are overflowing with self-help books claiming to have the secret to a good life. What sets the Upside apart? Two things- 1) the authors move away from the obsessive pursuit of happiness, and 2) they don't pick their favorite pet construct (optimism, mindfulness, flow, positivity, grit, etc) as the key ingredient for living well. We are reminded that we are complex humans with a range of emotions. We should live our lives accordingly. This book teaches us how to do just that. And with a good dose of humor.
Interesting science is weaved with insightful stories to appeal to readers of all backgrounds. As a researcher in psychology, I am familiar with this field of work. And yet, each chapter left me with an aha-moment, a shift in thinking about well-being, and new research ideas.
This book gives people permission to feel the range of emotions we were designed to have. Anger can be helpful. Anxiety can be helpful. The authors teach us how to take advantage of these emotions to lead fulfilling, meaningful lives.
December 29, 2020
This is a Self-help/Psychology book about embracing your 'negative' emotions and living in balance with yourself.
It starts with a great example of how to test how people deal with uncertainty and the role that primal anger plays in competition sports. It challenges Maslow's theory of the hierarchy of needs and postulates that our expectations of what will make us happy are often wrong, a theory which appears very plausible.
The book focuses a lot on the idea that those who are most able to deal with negative feelings are most happy, live longest and are most creative. On the surface I would agree with this idea, but some of the specifics in the theory as put forward in this book didn't quite fit with my own experience.
The book suggested that we as a species have become easily stressed because we have come to rely on comforts. It also had some interesting insights about how being comfortable externally can lead to discomfort internally. The problem was that it was presented as a universal condition and didn't allow for naturally happy people to roll with the punches when they come, while still enjoying all the comforts of modern life on a more regular basis.
One complaint I had was that it was very American centric, using phrases like "We as Americans" in an assumption that the book's readership would be exclusively American and not acknowledging that the theories would apply to most of the Western world until much later on. Even then there were only passing mention of countries "closest to American".
It did go into more diverse cultural differences and made some interesting observations of expectation of 'emotional state' between individualists and collectivists.
I have to say that I don't accept their justification for temper tantrums or the way they all but glorify anxiety. In my experience, people who are angry are not more efficient or creative, but miss things because they are too wrapped up in their emotional state to think as clearly as they need to in a crisis situation. Even in sewing lessons I learned long ago that if you're feeling angry, put the creative project away until later because you're going to make mistakes.
I also felt at times that they were mixing up definitions of happiness with goal achievements. Yes, achieving a goal is one road to happiness, but it is not happiness itself. Some of the phrases used like "Happy people can be too trusting" in regard to politics and detecting deceit and "Happy people are lazy thinkers" in regard to "paying greater attention to the gist, not the details" really made me question the authors' qualifications. Have they never been happy? Do they really believe that feeling happy makes someone go stupid and unobservant?
Perhaps in general, some of these ideas may have some truth behind them, but as a generally happy person who will become very alert the minute someone tries to tell me a lie and someone who experiences happiness most when working on creative things, I found the theories seriously flawed. Still, there were some interesting ideas and if nothing else, food for thought as to what really constitutes happiness and the way that differences in attitude affect how any given person responds to the bumps in life.
It's an interesting read, but I recommend maintaining objectivity while reading and questioning rather than taking it all at face value.
It starts with a great example of how to test how people deal with uncertainty and the role that primal anger plays in competition sports. It challenges Maslow's theory of the hierarchy of needs and postulates that our expectations of what will make us happy are often wrong, a theory which appears very plausible.
The book focuses a lot on the idea that those who are most able to deal with negative feelings are most happy, live longest and are most creative. On the surface I would agree with this idea, but some of the specifics in the theory as put forward in this book didn't quite fit with my own experience.
The book suggested that we as a species have become easily stressed because we have come to rely on comforts. It also had some interesting insights about how being comfortable externally can lead to discomfort internally. The problem was that it was presented as a universal condition and didn't allow for naturally happy people to roll with the punches when they come, while still enjoying all the comforts of modern life on a more regular basis.
One complaint I had was that it was very American centric, using phrases like "We as Americans" in an assumption that the book's readership would be exclusively American and not acknowledging that the theories would apply to most of the Western world until much later on. Even then there were only passing mention of countries "closest to American".
It did go into more diverse cultural differences and made some interesting observations of expectation of 'emotional state' between individualists and collectivists.
I have to say that I don't accept their justification for temper tantrums or the way they all but glorify anxiety. In my experience, people who are angry are not more efficient or creative, but miss things because they are too wrapped up in their emotional state to think as clearly as they need to in a crisis situation. Even in sewing lessons I learned long ago that if you're feeling angry, put the creative project away until later because you're going to make mistakes.
I also felt at times that they were mixing up definitions of happiness with goal achievements. Yes, achieving a goal is one road to happiness, but it is not happiness itself. Some of the phrases used like "Happy people can be too trusting" in regard to politics and detecting deceit and "Happy people are lazy thinkers" in regard to "paying greater attention to the gist, not the details" really made me question the authors' qualifications. Have they never been happy? Do they really believe that feeling happy makes someone go stupid and unobservant?
Perhaps in general, some of these ideas may have some truth behind them, but as a generally happy person who will become very alert the minute someone tries to tell me a lie and someone who experiences happiness most when working on creative things, I found the theories seriously flawed. Still, there were some interesting ideas and if nothing else, food for thought as to what really constitutes happiness and the way that differences in attitude affect how any given person responds to the bumps in life.
It's an interesting read, but I recommend maintaining objectivity while reading and questioning rather than taking it all at face value.
December 20, 2016
This book is really a primer how to use psychology to dominate others. "Everyone, without exception, manipulates others. Doing so effectively is a matter of dosage and timing." I was hoping for more evidence-based justification that it is healthy to present yourself fully and openly, not to merely use your dark side to your personal advantage. Kashdan uses Napoleon, Jack Welch, and Henry Ford as exemplars and thus clearly suffers from survivor bias as well as blatant selection bias. A whole chapter is dedicated to the notion that the pursuit of happiness can weaken you. That notion is better presented as antifragility theory by Nassim Taleb, in his incredibly well-argued and scientific contribution "Antifragile". Kashdan spends a lot of time on the "Teddy Roosevelt Effect", which is a cocktail of Machiavellianism, narcissism, and psychopathy. He argues that: Machiavellianism allows people to be emotionally detached when making everyday decisions so that the short term pursuit of happiness doesn't derail long term plans; narcissism allows people to pursue lofty aspirations others might dismiss as foolish, self absorbed, or impossible; and psychopathy can be beneficial when it is used to dial down the flow of emotions. These arguments aren't well supported with evidence or research, so although I understand them, I am not fully convinced. To the extent I am taking anything away from the book, it is to quit labeling inner states as good or bad or positive or negative, and start thinking about them as useful or not useful for any given situation. e.g. Boredom (mindlessness) can be a precursor to insight and discovery as per the Hindu and Buddhist traditions.
July 12, 2017
3.75 stars.
The title of this book is terrible, but the content is good, and the ideas interesting, it just felt too stretched out and should have been more tidy.
The overall concept is that life can't be only happiness. That "dark" feelings have utility and value; and we should utilize them rather than avoid.
For example, try imaging the civil rights movement progressing without anger. Equally important is how politeness can actually be harmful. It can cause miscommunication but more often than not when we try to be polite, we actually end up offending the person more and people who witness the encounter think we're rude.
The title of this book is terrible, but the content is good, and the ideas interesting, it just felt too stretched out and should have been more tidy.
The overall concept is that life can't be only happiness. That "dark" feelings have utility and value; and we should utilize them rather than avoid.
For example, try imaging the civil rights movement progressing without anger. Equally important is how politeness can actually be harmful. It can cause miscommunication but more often than not when we try to be polite, we actually end up offending the person more and people who witness the encounter think we're rude.
November 11, 2015
I think if I'd read less in this genre it may have been a 4 star book, but for me, there's nothing really new in here. However it's well written and does have real value in providing an alternative to the happy clappy eternal joyfulness approach to happiness, which can leave you feeling more of a failure by the end of a book than when you started... The book provides a plethora of examples where the darker side of one's personality does have tangible benefits and can improve the way we function in the world and it definitely a worthwhile read for people wanting to get a different perspective on Western society's strive for happiness... However despite many interesting bits of information, and a book which mostly adhered to my world view, the book didn't quite grab me in or want me to keep going, I was quite happy to just have it on the backburner... which ironically enough, is a shame, cos I'd really like to love it...
March 12, 2016
Okay. Quite the title, isn’t it?! Long but perfect, as that’s exactly what this book is about.
I must report that reading this book has resulted in a slight shift in my ideas about happiness, and that’s a good thing. Happiness doesn’t always have to be about refocusing on positive things; happiness can also be acceptance of negative feelings and behaviors as sometimes necessary for change. Interesting.
I must report that reading this book has resulted in a slight shift in my ideas about happiness, and that’s a good thing. Happiness doesn’t always have to be about refocusing on positive things; happiness can also be acceptance of negative feelings and behaviors as sometimes necessary for change. Interesting.
July 30, 2018
This book consists of some well-known ideas from books like Thinking Fast and Slow, prince and a few others, but the author makes it simple and easy to read.
It's probably one of the best books to start with when you are looking for answers about how people mind works, but you don't want to get too technical.
It's probably one of the best books to start with when you are looking for answers about how people mind works, but you don't want to get too technical.
December 3, 2023
Knowing your values or purpose in life doesn't mean that's the only path you can take [...] We cannot hold ourselves to the unreasonable position of always being on the right path.
This book suggests that while Americans have a cultural preference for the pursuit of happiness, the ignorance of negative emotions can often lead to mental health crises and loss of potential.
MENTAL EXERCISES/IMMEDIATE SOLUTIONS (TAKEAWAYS):
1. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy argues three major DYSFUNCTIONAL beliefs:
I must do well and win the approval of others to be accepted
Other people must do the right thing or else they are no good
Life must be easy, without discomfort or inconvenience
2. Anger speedometer
Imagine your anger on a scale or a speedometer, the angrier you are, the faster your speed is. If your anger is above the speed limit and you feel out of control, you will need some time to relax in order to retain maximum flexibility and control in dealing with the situation. Try to imagine applying breaks and slowing the speed down. Create a mental image of what you think you would look like and how the other person would respond.
3. Question of guilt
Instead of guilt-tripping, ask: Is what you are doing helping or hurting the situation/i.e. in the process to become a better, stronger, wiser person?
When approaching others about an awkward situation, first acknowledge discomfort, then address common ground, then persuade to action, e.g. "When you see that you're hurting the team I don't want you to feel bad; I want you to do something about it."
4. Shame
When we feel ashamed, we don't just see our behavior as wrong or mistaken, we view ourselves as being fundamentally bad people. With guilt, this awareness of wrongdoing is limited to a specific situation, but shame is experienced as a negative metric or who we are. Guilt is helpful. As for its emotional cousin, shame, not so much. Guilt is local; shame is global.
Identify shame vs guilt:
Shame: focus on the entire self; feel bad about who we are; "how could I have done that?"; extreme distress and impairment; believe in no control over outcomes; desire to avoid, escape; motivated to hide or attack; blame others.
Guilt: focus on the victim and the act that harmed them; feel bad about what we did; "how could I have done that?"; moderate pain; believe in personal control over adverse outcomes; feel tension and remorse; motivated to repair damage, make amends; take personal responsibility.
5. The Happiness test
1965 study by Dr. Hadley Cantril - imagine being on a ladder with rungs numbered from zero at the bottom and ten at the top. The top of the ladder represents the best possible life for you. On which rung of the ladder would you say you are standing at this time? On which rung of the ladder would you say you'll be standing five years from now?
6. Reciprocation
Rick van Baaren et al., Radboud University of Nijmegen, when servers repeated customer orders, customers increased their tips by more than 68%. However, extensive mimicry can be unnerving for unfamiliar people as mimicry is a sign of intimacy.
7. Mindlessness exercise (to avoid anxiety)
Set ridiculously short deadlines--ten seconds--in which to make decisions that you have already spent a few minutes paralyzed about what to do. In doing so, you force a mindless decision, or you can always walk away.
8. Emotion labeling
Emotional literacy--the ability to distinguish your emotions--is valuable for mental stability. In cases of panic/exposure therapy, always ask yourself: how do I feel? When we become more adept and precise in differentiating what we feel in a given situation, negative emotions are no longer so problematic.
INTERESTING CONCEPTS (POTENTIALLY APPLICABLE INFORMATION):
1. Emotional time travel errors
- We overestimate how happy we will be in the future, how things could potentially impact our feelings, and underestimate future difficulties
Barbara Mellers, UPenn, women who didn't want children feel the same amount of happiness when they found out pregnancy as women who wanted children.
2. Benefits of doubt
- Doubt prompt us to improve our skills when they may be deficient
Karl Wheatley, Cleveland State University, teachers perform better when experience uncertainly, increase collaboration, personal reflection, motivation for personal development, and willingness to accept change.
3. Goals
- Eva Pomerantz, University of Illinois, heavy investment in a goal can erode a person's psychological quality of life by creating a spike in their anxiety. Especially when people focus on the downfall of what happens if their goal is NOT achieved.
- Negative emotions allow us to reexamine our situation. Signal a retreat (break) to conserve energy and resources.
4. Flexibility when approaching goals allows progress to reasonably improve, adapting goals.
5. Sehnsucht is a psychological phenomenon when yearning for a missed opportunity or unfulfilled goal - can lead to emotional reward, encourage achievement.
What actually happens is that success in therapy begins when people start to become comfortable experiencing mixed emotions (both happy and sad) about their work, their relationships, and any situation they enter.
6. Subconsciousness
- Should be able to switch between mindfulness and mindlessness as circumstances demand.
- Remember better, subconscious process complex information
7. Experiential avoidance are attempts to bury unwanted thoughts or feelings, to hide from them actively in pursuit of comfort.
You are not your psychological experiences, even though they can affect you.
8. Benefits of stress
- Kate Harkness, Queen's University, people prone to depressed moods also tend to notice more details.
Emotional expressions are an important way in which we communicate with others.
9. Boredom is often an important indicator that you are making poor choices, or entering new situations with a limiting attitude.
10. Discomfort caveat is letting other people know explicitly that you are experiencing intense emotions and because of this, it is more difficult than usual for you to communicate clearly (apologize in advance).
- i.e. "I want you to know that I'm feeling uncomfortable right now, which means it's not the best time for me to be expressing myself. But, under the circumstances, it's important for me to say..."
- This prevents others from being defensive.
Abandon the notion of labeling emotions as exclusively positive or negative and instead, target what is healthy and unhealthy in a situation.
11. Agency
People don't mind being told do to something, but mind being told how to do something.
12. Benefits of narcissism
- Overvalue their ideas (fail to seek feedback), strengths (fail to address weaknesses), vision (overlook details)
They expect thing to go well because of their bias toward remembering and overvaluing their accomplishments.
13. Leadership
Do not create a culture based on the assumption that positivity must reign supreme. Instead, create a culture where everyone knows that it's safe to be real.
14. Biases
Projection bias - poorly predict what will happen in the future, e.g. eating
Impact bias - overestimate the emotional intensity or duration of an event
Distinction bias - mental state differs from one time to another
Wanting/liking bias - wanting is an appetite associated with a different area of the brain than liking/enjoyment
15. Trust
We give and withhold trust based on how other people respond to the cues we provide.
16. Mental inhibition
When you drain a person's energy prior to a conversation, they stop hiding. Mentally exhausted people ended up being less inhibited in a conversation about personal differences with someone of a different race and enjoyed the interaction 25.4 times more.
Lack of inhibition makes people more approachable, empathic, and helpful.
17. (Theoretical) Dimensions of a good life
Pleasure/meaning; novelty/stability
18. Psychological wholeness
Psychological flexibility: (1) mental agility (2) emotional agility (3) social agility
Hedonia: the belief that one is getting the important thing one wants, as well as certain pleasant affects that normally go along with this belief.
Eudaimonia: to behave virtuously and striving toward the full development of our potential.
Far too often, people assume that their source of happiness is superior to others, despite the infinite number of possibilities out there.
19. Boredom
All humans require: (1) complex, mysterious, uncertain, and challenging experiences (2) stability and predictability
Boredom is beneficial in the Hindu and Buddhist sense: precursor to insight and discovery.
**Use your perception of time to check if you need to speed up or slow down mentally. When time seems to stop (langeweile), there is too much boredom; when time feels too quick, it's time to slow down to prevent panic and overload.
Further reading: Diagnostic and Statistical Manuel of Mental Disorders, Influence: The Psychology of Persuasion by Robert Cialdini.
July 3, 2021
some parts of this book were really good (like the approach of balancing mindfulness and mindlessness instead of living in a current state of hyper–awareness), but there were loads of things I couldn’t really make sense of. most of the time, it felt like: here’s an emotion you perceive as “negative”. here’s a study showing how people performed better in some abstract task while feeling said emotion. go figure. I couldn’t take much from that, but maybe that’s a me–thing.
I felt they glossed over more drastically controversial topics such as narcissism a little bit. I completely understand the authors’ notion that some narcissistic traits can be helpful for you and others under certain circumstances and correct consideration (“narcissism done right” so to speak), but this book paid little attention to the damage it can cause. this probably wasn’t the authors’ intention nor what the book was about, but cutting the preventative mentioning of how “bad things can be bad” drastically short felt a little icky to me.
I did like them challenging my perception of what “good” and “bad” feelings are as well as their idea of accepting any emotion even though it might be painful or unpleasant, trying to differentiate it to then make sense and even use of it.
it’s an interesting and at times tickling read, but nothing show–stopping.
I felt they glossed over more drastically controversial topics such as narcissism a little bit. I completely understand the authors’ notion that some narcissistic traits can be helpful for you and others under certain circumstances and correct consideration (“narcissism done right” so to speak), but this book paid little attention to the damage it can cause. this probably wasn’t the authors’ intention nor what the book was about, but cutting the preventative mentioning of how “bad things can be bad” drastically short felt a little icky to me.
I did like them challenging my perception of what “good” and “bad” feelings are as well as their idea of accepting any emotion even though it might be painful or unpleasant, trying to differentiate it to then make sense and even use of it.
it’s an interesting and at times tickling read, but nothing show–stopping.
May 26, 2016
Let me be clear. I LOVE Todd Kashdan's work. He is an amazing researcher. He does interesting and important research. He writes scientific articles that are actually enjoyable to read. I love his writing on Psychology Today. I periodically peruse the list of academic publications on his website. I'm even using on of the measures he developed in my PhD. But, I didn't enjoy this book. The first four chapters of this book have great information and I was totally into the topic (I have written similar stuff on my blog in the past). I just did not enjoy the writing style. This is a common problem for me and may stem from being too picky. But, in this case (and many others), I chose not to finish the book because of it.
October 16, 2014
http://ensuingchapters.com/2014/10/16...
So, I’m not exactly the target audience for this book, as I long ago embraced my Upside of Your Dark Sidedark side, but I’m glad that Kashdan and Biswas-Diener, a pair of psychologists and professors at George Mason and Portland State Universities respectively, are promoting widespread awareness.
And no, this isn’t a Darth Vader-style enticement to evil, but rather a commitment to intellectual and emotional honesty. Embracing the dark side is being an anti-Pollyanna, acknowledging negative states of consciousness rather than suppressing them. Realizing that feeling bad is inevitable and natural.
Or, to let the scientists speak for themselves, “…we, the authors, reject the notion that positivity is the only place to search for answers. We reject the belief that being healthy is marked by a life with as little pain as possible.”
Perhaps it’s my love of Eastern philosophy, but I’ve always subscribed to an elastic emotional outlook: the greater the highs, the greater the lows. Inoculating oneself from pain only serves to numb one’s experience of joy.
It’s a conundrum that dates at least as far back as the dueling philosophies of the Cynics and the Stoics, but has become especially germane in the decades of post-WWII prosperity. At some point in the past 50 years, the fantasy that you could enjoy the thrills without enduring the chills became an accepted philosophy.
To seek comfort and happiness is natural, but now, the authors argue, it has become an addiction.
The self-help and pharmaceutical industries, along with positive psychology (to a lesser extent), have cultivated a bubble-wrapped culture where discomfort is treated as an abnormal condition. Not only is this unrealistic, it’s not healthy. There’s nothing wrong with feeling down sometimes, feeling angry sometimes.
“People who are whole, those of us who are willing and able to shift to the upside or the downside to get the best possible outcomes in a given situation, are the healthiest, most successful, best learners, and enjoy the deepest well-being.”
I’m reminded of my own experiences in therapy. I was the difficult patient who used my session time to challenge my therapist with my grim view of humanity. I would rattle off atrocities and injustice and point out that our culture rewards the worst kind of people and punishes the good. No, not just our culture—our species. Then I would grin triumphantly as the counselor struggled to argue against that.
I knew I’d finally found the right therapist when, during our first session, I gave her my misanthropy spiel. Her response: “Yeah, you’re right. So what?” Sometimes things are shitty.
This was the jolt I needed to crack my defiant shell and get to work on getting better.
Kashdan and Biswas-Diener hope to provide the same jolt to readers acclimated to a self-help mantra of “I’m OK, You’re OK,” and hopefully they are successful in this task.
They should be, as this is a very interesting read. What I like about The Upside of Your Dark Side is how the authors incorporate scientific research, positive psychology theory and personal anecdote to construct a cogent warts-and-all perspective of the human experience. Even though it features plenty of scientific research, the narrative is very accessible to lay-readers.
The shortcoming of the book, for me, is that the authors can be overly expository—they do a good job of illustrating a point, but then summarize said point as though they don’t trust the reader to draw the correct conclusion. But I wouldn’t mark down a letter grade for that. That’s the inherent risk with science writing. The authors have to take arcane material and present it to an audience that, for the most part, doesn’t share the authors’ background or familiarity with the topic.
Kashdan and Biswas-Diener by and large hit the sweet spot between academic and accessible. This is a book to be enjoyed by all—and to some a revelation.
So, I’m not exactly the target audience for this book, as I long ago embraced my Upside of Your Dark Sidedark side, but I’m glad that Kashdan and Biswas-Diener, a pair of psychologists and professors at George Mason and Portland State Universities respectively, are promoting widespread awareness.
And no, this isn’t a Darth Vader-style enticement to evil, but rather a commitment to intellectual and emotional honesty. Embracing the dark side is being an anti-Pollyanna, acknowledging negative states of consciousness rather than suppressing them. Realizing that feeling bad is inevitable and natural.
Or, to let the scientists speak for themselves, “…we, the authors, reject the notion that positivity is the only place to search for answers. We reject the belief that being healthy is marked by a life with as little pain as possible.”
Perhaps it’s my love of Eastern philosophy, but I’ve always subscribed to an elastic emotional outlook: the greater the highs, the greater the lows. Inoculating oneself from pain only serves to numb one’s experience of joy.
It’s a conundrum that dates at least as far back as the dueling philosophies of the Cynics and the Stoics, but has become especially germane in the decades of post-WWII prosperity. At some point in the past 50 years, the fantasy that you could enjoy the thrills without enduring the chills became an accepted philosophy.
To seek comfort and happiness is natural, but now, the authors argue, it has become an addiction.
The self-help and pharmaceutical industries, along with positive psychology (to a lesser extent), have cultivated a bubble-wrapped culture where discomfort is treated as an abnormal condition. Not only is this unrealistic, it’s not healthy. There’s nothing wrong with feeling down sometimes, feeling angry sometimes.
“People who are whole, those of us who are willing and able to shift to the upside or the downside to get the best possible outcomes in a given situation, are the healthiest, most successful, best learners, and enjoy the deepest well-being.”
I’m reminded of my own experiences in therapy. I was the difficult patient who used my session time to challenge my therapist with my grim view of humanity. I would rattle off atrocities and injustice and point out that our culture rewards the worst kind of people and punishes the good. No, not just our culture—our species. Then I would grin triumphantly as the counselor struggled to argue against that.
I knew I’d finally found the right therapist when, during our first session, I gave her my misanthropy spiel. Her response: “Yeah, you’re right. So what?” Sometimes things are shitty.
This was the jolt I needed to crack my defiant shell and get to work on getting better.
Kashdan and Biswas-Diener hope to provide the same jolt to readers acclimated to a self-help mantra of “I’m OK, You’re OK,” and hopefully they are successful in this task.
They should be, as this is a very interesting read. What I like about The Upside of Your Dark Side is how the authors incorporate scientific research, positive psychology theory and personal anecdote to construct a cogent warts-and-all perspective of the human experience. Even though it features plenty of scientific research, the narrative is very accessible to lay-readers.
The shortcoming of the book, for me, is that the authors can be overly expository—they do a good job of illustrating a point, but then summarize said point as though they don’t trust the reader to draw the correct conclusion. But I wouldn’t mark down a letter grade for that. That’s the inherent risk with science writing. The authors have to take arcane material and present it to an audience that, for the most part, doesn’t share the authors’ background or familiarity with the topic.
Kashdan and Biswas-Diener by and large hit the sweet spot between academic and accessible. This is a book to be enjoyed by all—and to some a revelation.
February 9, 2020
This book has some good material but the author dragged in all kinds of related information that took the focus away from where it needed to be. It felt like it had a lot of filler research. I would have edited this into a shorter sharper book.
January 26, 2015
These guys stamp out the idea that you should steer clear of negative emotions. A real eye-opener. I was dedicated to straight positivity before reading this, I don't think I can look at the idea the same now. Great read. Highly recommended.
July 17, 2025
The Upside of Your Dark Side by Biswas Diener
The upside? The book is very good…the dark side? Perhaps it encourages some- or is it only me? - To misbehave
I guess this book ends at just about the right time, as I need to get over the fact that I broke my phone- and we all know what it means to be without one nowadays- had to downgrade and whereas a couple of days ago I had received all I needed from that technological extension of myself, now I receive nothing from the prosthetic replacement that has no Facebook, mail, s health tracking, whatever…
It will be necessary to see how one can go about putting in practice the precious advice from this book…and some of the eastern teachings I came into contact with.
We are better off when we let the negative events take their course, learn from them and avoid exaggerating their importance- everybody knows that.
The approach of the authors is interesting and comes somehow from within the positive psychology inner circle of experts.
For this reader, the reluctance to go into the “dark side” is great and makes me avoid movies, books with themes that might upset me, for I have been negative orientated for most of my life, still have a tendency to look at the negative potential in various situations and feel the need to avoid further pushes in that direction.
There are however areas where being negative pays off.
For some jobs, individuals do a much better job when in negative mood- indeed, when positive they perform worse
That seems to include lawyers, policemen, tax analysts and more.
Also it helps in all our cases to adopt a negative frame of mind when we have to analyze, get into details.
The positive kind get the big picture, but are messy when it comes to detailing- as in the tests after 9/11 that showed positive people are more likely to use stereotyping.
The first part of this note ends here, with the rest written days ago, while still somewhere half way through this good book
The upshot of this mesmerizing book- at least at times, seen from a perhaps biased perspective- is that
- It is not always good to be happy
- Surprising, isn’t it
- There are a number of jobs which are prejudiced by a happy attitude- lawyers, traffic controllers, policemen, tax consultants…to name just a few
- Yes, a happy approach boosts productivity and improves- some- skills
- If you want creativity and you are the manager, a positive lecture helps the employs obtain better results
- But for analytical tasks, the happy perspective is not working well
So while I enthuse over positive psychology, I am surprised to find about the “dark triad” constituted by narcissism, machiavelism and psychopathy and how important it is to have some small doses of each of these components.
Then there is the Teddy Roosevelt effect- a wonderful president given to some “dark” manifestations like swimming naked in the Potomac, near the White House, losing his retinue in the Yellowstone- that he gave the status of National Park.
To come back to the Positive Psychology, I would only add that this science is changing my life even now, as we speak, for studies show that
1. Our minds keep changing all the way to the moment of death and the brain is a very plastic, malleable organ
2. Even small, extremely short subliminal messages determine our behavior, so when I decide that I will read and discuss positive psychology almost every day that means that this will affect me.
The upside? The book is very good…the dark side? Perhaps it encourages some- or is it only me? - To misbehave
I guess this book ends at just about the right time, as I need to get over the fact that I broke my phone- and we all know what it means to be without one nowadays- had to downgrade and whereas a couple of days ago I had received all I needed from that technological extension of myself, now I receive nothing from the prosthetic replacement that has no Facebook, mail, s health tracking, whatever…
It will be necessary to see how one can go about putting in practice the precious advice from this book…and some of the eastern teachings I came into contact with.
We are better off when we let the negative events take their course, learn from them and avoid exaggerating their importance- everybody knows that.
The approach of the authors is interesting and comes somehow from within the positive psychology inner circle of experts.
For this reader, the reluctance to go into the “dark side” is great and makes me avoid movies, books with themes that might upset me, for I have been negative orientated for most of my life, still have a tendency to look at the negative potential in various situations and feel the need to avoid further pushes in that direction.
There are however areas where being negative pays off.
For some jobs, individuals do a much better job when in negative mood- indeed, when positive they perform worse
That seems to include lawyers, policemen, tax analysts and more.
Also it helps in all our cases to adopt a negative frame of mind when we have to analyze, get into details.
The positive kind get the big picture, but are messy when it comes to detailing- as in the tests after 9/11 that showed positive people are more likely to use stereotyping.
The first part of this note ends here, with the rest written days ago, while still somewhere half way through this good book
The upshot of this mesmerizing book- at least at times, seen from a perhaps biased perspective- is that
- It is not always good to be happy
- Surprising, isn’t it
- There are a number of jobs which are prejudiced by a happy attitude- lawyers, traffic controllers, policemen, tax consultants…to name just a few
- Yes, a happy approach boosts productivity and improves- some- skills
- If you want creativity and you are the manager, a positive lecture helps the employs obtain better results
- But for analytical tasks, the happy perspective is not working well
So while I enthuse over positive psychology, I am surprised to find about the “dark triad” constituted by narcissism, machiavelism and psychopathy and how important it is to have some small doses of each of these components.
Then there is the Teddy Roosevelt effect- a wonderful president given to some “dark” manifestations like swimming naked in the Potomac, near the White House, losing his retinue in the Yellowstone- that he gave the status of National Park.
To come back to the Positive Psychology, I would only add that this science is changing my life even now, as we speak, for studies show that
1. Our minds keep changing all the way to the moment of death and the brain is a very plastic, malleable organ
2. Even small, extremely short subliminal messages determine our behavior, so when I decide that I will read and discuss positive psychology almost every day that means that this will affect me.
October 26, 2017
"Who knows what evil lurks in the hearts of men? The Shadow knows..."
I was kind of hoping this book would be about the existence of evil within people and maybe how some evil can be good for a person, or how evil actions by a few in society can be good for society overall. But this isn't about how society needs murderers, or even about how your instincts to trip your brother are actually good for you (and him. I'm pretty sure). It's more about garden variety negative emotions, like fear, shame, and anxiety. Anger is included, which is getting there, but it's dealt with strictly in a non-evil way. Hmph.
So if you were of the opinion feelings that make you uncomfortable are bad and to be avoided at all costs, you will either receive an education or hate the authors for completely contradicting you. I happen to agree with them: negative emotions and feelings have their uses, both for helping us identify / avoid dangerous situations and for spurring us to become better people. Also, even though bad feelings make you feel... well, bad, they help give you perspective so that you feel even better when things are okay, or even mildly good.
The authors have a bit of a chip on their shoulder that the focus on "positive psychology" has made the negative emotions into bad guys. I think it's a bit of a straw man argument, and that positive psychology hasn't made people feel that way more than they already did. But it's still useful to read what they have to say.
Still looking for a book on the positive side effects of actual eeeevil...
I was kind of hoping this book would be about the existence of evil within people and maybe how some evil can be good for a person, or how evil actions by a few in society can be good for society overall. But this isn't about how society needs murderers, or even about how your instincts to trip your brother are actually good for you (and him. I'm pretty sure). It's more about garden variety negative emotions, like fear, shame, and anxiety. Anger is included, which is getting there, but it's dealt with strictly in a non-evil way. Hmph.
So if you were of the opinion feelings that make you uncomfortable are bad and to be avoided at all costs, you will either receive an education or hate the authors for completely contradicting you. I happen to agree with them: negative emotions and feelings have their uses, both for helping us identify / avoid dangerous situations and for spurring us to become better people. Also, even though bad feelings make you feel... well, bad, they help give you perspective so that you feel even better when things are okay, or even mildly good.
The authors have a bit of a chip on their shoulder that the focus on "positive psychology" has made the negative emotions into bad guys. I think it's a bit of a straw man argument, and that positive psychology hasn't made people feel that way more than they already did. But it's still useful to read what they have to say.
Still looking for a book on the positive side effects of actual eeeevil...
December 16, 2018
Lots to unpack in this book, but I greatly enjoyed it and appreciated the academic rigor as well as anecdotal references (anyone else an Aquaman fan?) throughout. Some points I made sure to pause the audiobook to note down:
--Slow a situation down, especially when angry. Think of slow anger vs fast anger. Take a moment to breathe before making a decision when angry.
--Is what you are currently doing helping or hurting the given situation? Ask yourself this regularly.
--Guilt and shame are different. Guilt is helpful; shame is not. Guilt is localized and specific; shame is global and about something inherent in you.
--In not avoiding negative emotion, we gain emotional agility, the ability to use the full range of emotion in every day situations.
--We are typically in a different mental state when making a choice than when we are living with the results of that choice... wanting and liking something utilize different areas of the brain and often don't necessarily line up.
--Schedule time to mentally meander...it is clear that mindful thinking alone is insufficient to reach the best decision in a sea of choices. We need to take advantage of the relative strengths of both conscious and unconscious thinking.
--Slow a situation down, especially when angry. Think of slow anger vs fast anger. Take a moment to breathe before making a decision when angry.
--Is what you are currently doing helping or hurting the given situation? Ask yourself this regularly.
--Guilt and shame are different. Guilt is helpful; shame is not. Guilt is localized and specific; shame is global and about something inherent in you.
--In not avoiding negative emotion, we gain emotional agility, the ability to use the full range of emotion in every day situations.
--We are typically in a different mental state when making a choice than when we are living with the results of that choice... wanting and liking something utilize different areas of the brain and often don't necessarily line up.
--Schedule time to mentally meander...it is clear that mindful thinking alone is insufficient to reach the best decision in a sea of choices. We need to take advantage of the relative strengths of both conscious and unconscious thinking.
August 19, 2022
En långsam bok med ett betydligt mer akademiskt och mindre sensationalistiskt innehåll än jag förväntade mig. Boken argumenterar inledningsvis för att rädslan för obehag är en naturlig följd av att inte uppleva det; och som alla som överlevt tonåren vet är rädslan för något ofta en större fara än det som man är rädd för. Därefter går den igenom konflikthanteringsstrategier och de evolutionära skälen till våra mörkare sidor - oavsett om detta är brist på uppmärksamhet, villighet att göra andra illa eller oförmåga att se effekter. Boken är lite som Marcus Aurelius - man blir inte glad över att läsa den, och det är sällan man läser mer än några sidor per vecka, men i efterskott är man glad att ha tagit sig igenom eländet, för mycket av det som tidigare verkade jobbigt känns mindre så. Jag kan starkt rekommendera tidsinvesteringen.
May 29, 2017
This book is essentially a giant asterisk on all of modern pop, TED-talk psychology: Yes, being happy will make you more productive, but it will also make you slightly more racist. Yes, being anxious can be harmful to your health, but it can also energize you to action to cover details you'd otherwise let slip by. In other words, moderation is key and when we try to optimize our personalities, characters, or habits we risk destabilizing the aspects of life that make life worth living.
It's a good read.
It's a good read.
June 1, 2021
A must-read. I like to characterize myself as a happy person, but I often struggle with expressing my sadder thoughts and feelings. This book is helpful because it portrays the negative palette of emotions (e.g. sadness, anxiety, anger) as powerful motivators for change, even more so than positive emotions.
July 20, 2018
With all the books on positive psychology that I have read, this one was a good, different perspective. Good reminder to focus on the whole person.
June 23, 2022
Aaaaaðeins of mikið kanabrain í þessari ágæt samt margt áhugavert I guess myndi samt ekki endilega mæla með henni
December 4, 2017
This book was written by a pair of psychologists who thought that the excessive focus on good and positive feelings in positive psychology was a little overblown, and that the value of so-called "negative" feelings or aspects of personality was being neglected. They do think that it's good for us to be happy most of the time, but that it will be even better for us if we have a flexibility that allows us to switch to non-happy states of mind when it's beneficial. They suggest an 80:20 ratio as a rough rule of thumb: be happy 80% of the time and non-happy 20% of the time. They call this philosophy "wholeness": a person is whole if they are able to flexibly tap into all aspects of their being when it's warranted.
The authors offer a number of examples about the value of so-called negative states. Too much comfort makes us oversensitive to inevitable discomfort. Anger motivates us to act, fix injustices, and defend ourselves and our loved ones; guilt tells us when we've screwed up and motivates us to improve our behavior; anxiety helps us catch mistakes and take safeguards against risks. Happy people are less persuasive, can be too trusting, and are lazier thinkers. Intentionally trying to become happy easily backfires and makes us less happy; and there are situations where happiness feels inappropriate and will make others respond worse to you. Sometimes it's better to act on instinct or engage in mind-wandering than to always be mindful and think things through consciously. The "dark triad" traits of narcissism, Machiavellianism, and psychopathy are all useful in moderation and provide benefits such as fearlessness and self-assuredness.
The following paragraph from the final chapter is a pretty good summary of the book's message:
While I liked the book's message and agreed with many of its points, I felt like it was mostly trying to tell a story that sounds plausible to a layman, rather than making a particularly rigorous argument. The authors tend to base their claims on isolated studies with no mention of their replication status; some of their example studies draw on paradigms and methods that have been seriously challenged (social priming and implicit association tests); occasionally they made claims that I thought contradicted things I knew from elsewhere; and some of the cited empirical results seem to have alternative interpretations that are more natural than the ones offered in the book. It's plausible that they are drawing on much more rigorous academic work and that the argument has been dumbed down for a popular audience: even granting them the benefit of doubt, the book still feels way too much like a collection of examples that have been cherry-picked to make the wanted points.
Regardless, the book's general message feels almost certainly correct - after all, why would we have evolved negative states if they weren't sometimes useful? - so if anyone feels like they've been overwhelmed with too many messages of positivity, I would recommend this book for inspiration and an alternative viewpoint, if not for any of its specific details.
The authors offer a number of examples about the value of so-called negative states. Too much comfort makes us oversensitive to inevitable discomfort. Anger motivates us to act, fix injustices, and defend ourselves and our loved ones; guilt tells us when we've screwed up and motivates us to improve our behavior; anxiety helps us catch mistakes and take safeguards against risks. Happy people are less persuasive, can be too trusting, and are lazier thinkers. Intentionally trying to become happy easily backfires and makes us less happy; and there are situations where happiness feels inappropriate and will make others respond worse to you. Sometimes it's better to act on instinct or engage in mind-wandering than to always be mindful and think things through consciously. The "dark triad" traits of narcissism, Machiavellianism, and psychopathy are all useful in moderation and provide benefits such as fearlessness and self-assuredness.
The following paragraph from the final chapter is a pretty good summary of the book's message:
The basic idea is that psychological states are instrumental. That is, they are useful for a specific purpose, such as finding your car keys, being physically safe in a parking garage, negotiating a business deal, or arguing with your child’s teacher. Rather than viewing your thoughts and feelings as reactions to external events, we argue that you ought to view these states as tools to be used as circumstances warrant. Simply put, quit labeling your inner states as good or bad or positive or negative, and start thinking of them as useful or not useful for any given situation.
While I liked the book's message and agreed with many of its points, I felt like it was mostly trying to tell a story that sounds plausible to a layman, rather than making a particularly rigorous argument. The authors tend to base their claims on isolated studies with no mention of their replication status; some of their example studies draw on paradigms and methods that have been seriously challenged (social priming and implicit association tests); occasionally they made claims that I thought contradicted things I knew from elsewhere; and some of the cited empirical results seem to have alternative interpretations that are more natural than the ones offered in the book. It's plausible that they are drawing on much more rigorous academic work and that the argument has been dumbed down for a popular audience: even granting them the benefit of doubt, the book still feels way too much like a collection of examples that have been cherry-picked to make the wanted points.
Regardless, the book's general message feels almost certainly correct - after all, why would we have evolved negative states if they weren't sometimes useful? - so if anyone feels like they've been overwhelmed with too many messages of positivity, I would recommend this book for inspiration and an alternative viewpoint, if not for any of its specific details.
June 1, 2015
In ‘The Updside of Your Dark Side’ Todd Kashdan (Ph.D.) and Robert Biswas-Diener (Dr. Philos.), combine forces and draw on a wealth of research to unravel the gross misrepresentation of ‘bad’ emotions and how they serve us.
At first the presentation and purpose of their writing might appear to be an attack on some of the strongholds of the Positive Psychology movement, it soon becomes apparent this is not at all the intention. Rather than accepting the modern view that some emotions can be ‘bad’, ‘good’, or ‘undesirable’, Kashdan and Biswas-Dierner place the spotlight on the agonist/antagonist relationship that can exist between emotions. Piece by piece the authors take us through how, like most things in nature and life, the human mind, and our emotions, are not black and white.
One highly relevant topic, given the current popularity in the media and workplaces, is Mindfulness. While acknowledging that the benefits of living mindfully do exist, the authors turn the idea on its head and consider Mindlessness as a tool that is equally as important. Research demonstrates that making unconscious changes to our behaviours and thinking, due to external cues, provides us with respite from always having to ‘be present’ and ‘live in the moment’. Sometimes both of these require a bit of mindlessness! For those who enjoy reading popular science this section of the book is not too dissimilar to Blink by Malcolm Gladwell.
The chapter aptly titled ‘The Teddy Effect’ explores the topic of self-awareness, and highlights the importance of understanding our own emotions. Using the example of larger than life Theodore “Teddy” Roosevelt, who harnessed both his ‘light’ and ‘dark’ side even during his presidency, highlights how awareness of the we operate as individuals is paramount for survival, everyday functioning, and ultimately our ability to flourish.
Overall, in their writing, the authors provide a refreshing, ‘devils advocate’ stance towards the study of positive emotions and how this will only take us so far. The Upside to Your Dark Side assists the keen reader to better understand that the recent popularity of positive psychology, “happyology” (cringe) or the study of wellbeing, is not separate to the wealth of knowledge and insights from the study of traditional psychology but part of the same domain. Just as exercising one muscle requires the assistance of another, Kashdan and Biswas-Diener suggest perhaps this is a beneficial way of looking at how our emotions can best serve us.
My closing note to you, based on the well-structured research and overall focus of the book: Aim for an interesting life, ones with highs and lows, and embrace that you as a whole are greater than the sum of your parts.
At first the presentation and purpose of their writing might appear to be an attack on some of the strongholds of the Positive Psychology movement, it soon becomes apparent this is not at all the intention. Rather than accepting the modern view that some emotions can be ‘bad’, ‘good’, or ‘undesirable’, Kashdan and Biswas-Dierner place the spotlight on the agonist/antagonist relationship that can exist between emotions. Piece by piece the authors take us through how, like most things in nature and life, the human mind, and our emotions, are not black and white.
One highly relevant topic, given the current popularity in the media and workplaces, is Mindfulness. While acknowledging that the benefits of living mindfully do exist, the authors turn the idea on its head and consider Mindlessness as a tool that is equally as important. Research demonstrates that making unconscious changes to our behaviours and thinking, due to external cues, provides us with respite from always having to ‘be present’ and ‘live in the moment’. Sometimes both of these require a bit of mindlessness! For those who enjoy reading popular science this section of the book is not too dissimilar to Blink by Malcolm Gladwell.
The chapter aptly titled ‘The Teddy Effect’ explores the topic of self-awareness, and highlights the importance of understanding our own emotions. Using the example of larger than life Theodore “Teddy” Roosevelt, who harnessed both his ‘light’ and ‘dark’ side even during his presidency, highlights how awareness of the we operate as individuals is paramount for survival, everyday functioning, and ultimately our ability to flourish.
Overall, in their writing, the authors provide a refreshing, ‘devils advocate’ stance towards the study of positive emotions and how this will only take us so far. The Upside to Your Dark Side assists the keen reader to better understand that the recent popularity of positive psychology, “happyology” (cringe) or the study of wellbeing, is not separate to the wealth of knowledge and insights from the study of traditional psychology but part of the same domain. Just as exercising one muscle requires the assistance of another, Kashdan and Biswas-Diener suggest perhaps this is a beneficial way of looking at how our emotions can best serve us.
My closing note to you, based on the well-structured research and overall focus of the book: Aim for an interesting life, ones with highs and lows, and embrace that you as a whole are greater than the sum of your parts.
June 10, 2021
I picked this up because the premise - that embracing the whole gamut of human emotion is better for you than forced pursuit of happiness - is a solid one and I wanted to read some more nuanced discussion. I did not expect to have someone make a whole lot of jumps in logic in order to say that air conditioning and memory foam mattresses are the cause for rises in mental illness (while also diminishing the severity of those illnesses in one fell swoop - yikes). Or that parents today are clearly worse than parents in the good old days of the 50’s through the 70’s, because absolutely nobody grew up in that era and ever had any psychological issues because of the standards of the time. /s
Embracing sadness, anger, and challenges are all great ideas and we should absolutely pursue that. But society’s greatest problems are not caused because people have better access to ways to meet their physical needs. Not to mention that this isn’t universally true, not even in “developed nations”, and this viewpoint is so myopically focused on (white) middle class people that it’s laughable.
This book reads like someone looked at two completely unrelated data sets and decided they must be correlated. It’s about as sound a theory as the idea that the size of bugs in an environment is directly related to the size of pants you wear. Sure, your pants are huge in space and there are no bugs, but it should probably occur to you that there are likely other reasons for that outside of your voluminous trousers.
It’s not often a book pisses me off enough that I seethe out a review, but hot damn this one was full of useless and sometimes outright harmful and demeaning conclusions. “Don’t avoid negative emotions” is about the only thing they got right. I’d highly recommend trying to find another book if you want to explore that theory more.
Embracing sadness, anger, and challenges are all great ideas and we should absolutely pursue that. But society’s greatest problems are not caused because people have better access to ways to meet their physical needs. Not to mention that this isn’t universally true, not even in “developed nations”, and this viewpoint is so myopically focused on (white) middle class people that it’s laughable.
This book reads like someone looked at two completely unrelated data sets and decided they must be correlated. It’s about as sound a theory as the idea that the size of bugs in an environment is directly related to the size of pants you wear. Sure, your pants are huge in space and there are no bugs, but it should probably occur to you that there are likely other reasons for that outside of your voluminous trousers.
It’s not often a book pisses me off enough that I seethe out a review, but hot damn this one was full of useless and sometimes outright harmful and demeaning conclusions. “Don’t avoid negative emotions” is about the only thing they got right. I’d highly recommend trying to find another book if you want to explore that theory more.
January 26, 2015
Drs. Kashdan and Biswas-Diener have written a pop psychology book that prominently emphasizes two important psychological concepts - that ancient Delphic maxim, "Know thyself," and an even more modern maxim, "Own thyself." The essence of their book is that someone should understand and not suppress his negative emotions - emotions such as grief, shame, anger, etc.
Perpetual cheerfulness does obscure what's going on inside and out and can lead to mistakes, miscalculations and misjudgments. Opening up to what doesn't feel right, and maybe why you're angry, or sad, can be helpful.
This is good advice, which they back up with studies and other research. The research results are presented in an interesting manner.
I enjoyed reading the book and learned some things about the current state of psychology. Positive psychology is certainly better than anger psychology, and knowing and owning yourself is the best of psychology of all.
I do disagree with their opinion of the Dark Triad, narcissists, psychopaths, and Machiavellian personalities. They appear to think that some of the Dark Triad is beneficial. Well, because of my extensive experience with all three of these personalities I have a very different opinion. Run, do not walk, away from these personalities if you can. If you can't at the present, do so as soon as possible.
Overall, an interesting book with a helpful message.
Perpetual cheerfulness does obscure what's going on inside and out and can lead to mistakes, miscalculations and misjudgments. Opening up to what doesn't feel right, and maybe why you're angry, or sad, can be helpful.
This is good advice, which they back up with studies and other research. The research results are presented in an interesting manner.
I enjoyed reading the book and learned some things about the current state of psychology. Positive psychology is certainly better than anger psychology, and knowing and owning yourself is the best of psychology of all.
I do disagree with their opinion of the Dark Triad, narcissists, psychopaths, and Machiavellian personalities. They appear to think that some of the Dark Triad is beneficial. Well, because of my extensive experience with all three of these personalities I have a very different opinion. Run, do not walk, away from these personalities if you can. If you can't at the present, do so as soon as possible.
Overall, an interesting book with a helpful message.
Read
May 20, 2016Awesome! This book offered tons of insight into the presumed "darker side" of personality. Some very valuable yet non-traditional wisdom is offered but the general theme of the book is that being uncomfortable may lead to a more "whole life" experience. Experiencing Negativity, boredom, anger, depression and the other myriad of "negative emotions" has a tremendous value/upside and it is when we feel these emotions we should be most interested as they offer the most opportunity for growth as human beings. Being a person who often gets bored with things, I appreciate that the conclusion of the book offered this take-away; boredom and anxiety when used in the right way can offer insight as to where value lies. While it's uncomfortable to be bored or anxious, it's what we do in those situations that help showcase what is of most interest to us, or when we're anxious we feel energized/ready to move forward and take action. If this book weren't quite so expensive (hard cover price $25.95 usd) then I would think to immediately send it to a few good friends of mine who struggle with the idealist "positive attitude only" society they seem to be bombarded with. All in all, my off the bat review is that this book is delightful in it's entirety and valuable in all of the content offered.
November 14, 2014
Pop psych describing the benefits accruing from emotions usually avoided, emphasizing the value inherent in all emotional states: wholeness verses happiness.
August 5, 2016
A must read to all the readers out there who conflate the idea of pursuiting happiness by avoiding negative emotions. Compelling.
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