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No Bad Kids: Toddler Discipline Without Shame
A modern classic on the gentle art of discipline for toddlers, by the internationally renowned childcare expert, podcaster, and author of Elevating Child Care
“No Bad Kids provides practical ways to respond to the challenges of toddlerhood while nurturing a respectful relationship with your child.”—Tina Payne Bryson, PhD, co-author of The Whole-Brain Child and No-Drama Discipline
Janet Lansbury is unique among parenting experts. As a RIE teacher and student of pioneering child specialist Magda Gerber, her advice is not based solely on formal studies and the research of others, but also on her more than twenty years of hands-on experience guiding hundreds of parents and their toddlers. A collection of her most popular articles about toddler behavior, No Bad Kids presents her signature approach to discipline, which she sees as a parent’s act of compassion and love for a child. Full of wisdom and encouragement, it covers common toddler concerns such
• Why toddlers need clear boundaries—and how to set them without yelling
• What's going on when they bite, hit, kick, tantrum, whine, and talk back
• Advice for parenting a strong-willed child
• How to be a gentle leader, and Lansbury’s secret for staying calm
For parents who are anticipating or experiencing those critical years when toddlers are developmentally obliged to test the limits of our patience and love, No Bad Kids is a practical, indispensable resource for putting respectful discipline into action.
“No Bad Kids provides practical ways to respond to the challenges of toddlerhood while nurturing a respectful relationship with your child.”—Tina Payne Bryson, PhD, co-author of The Whole-Brain Child and No-Drama Discipline
Janet Lansbury is unique among parenting experts. As a RIE teacher and student of pioneering child specialist Magda Gerber, her advice is not based solely on formal studies and the research of others, but also on her more than twenty years of hands-on experience guiding hundreds of parents and their toddlers. A collection of her most popular articles about toddler behavior, No Bad Kids presents her signature approach to discipline, which she sees as a parent’s act of compassion and love for a child. Full of wisdom and encouragement, it covers common toddler concerns such
• Why toddlers need clear boundaries—and how to set them without yelling
• What's going on when they bite, hit, kick, tantrum, whine, and talk back
• Advice for parenting a strong-willed child
• How to be a gentle leader, and Lansbury’s secret for staying calm
For parents who are anticipating or experiencing those critical years when toddlers are developmentally obliged to test the limits of our patience and love, No Bad Kids is a practical, indispensable resource for putting respectful discipline into action.
171 pages, Kindle Edition
First published January 1, 2014
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14511 people want to read
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January 6, 2016
I have profoundly mixed feelings about this book. On the one hand, our wonderful childcare givers swear by this book and the philosophies of Magda Gerber that Lansbury espouses. On the other hand, this seemed like an awfully slim book, cobbled together from some blog posts, and it included some material that came across as self-promoting (like parents praising her website and saying how her child-rearing methods saved their lives).
My biggest bone to pick with this book is that at least half of it makes it sound like there's only one successful parenting personality--a kind of confident Zen and therapeutic mirroring-back-to-the-child--that you must acquire in order to make your children feel safe and that if you don't achieve that kind of Stepford Wife blandness, your child will keep acting out. (In this regard, I agree with another reviewer that it felt like this book sometimes indulged in a bit of parent-blaming, which my husband skeptically viewed as another strategy to sell advice. If every problem with your child's emotional life can be traced back to their deep detection of your insecurities and ambivalence, then surely you need a childcare guru to teach you how to improve yourself?)
While some of the book's strategies seem clear and positive to me (respond to behaviors firmly in the moment with consequences that make logical sense, articulate the child's emotions simply and directly, since they have trouble understanding their own feelings), there is also a lot of what I would call "therapy-talk" in here ("I see that you are feeling x...."), and I would be uncomfortable talking this artificially to my child all the time. (Honestly, I'd likely be incapable of it because it would make me burst into laughter to keep narrating my daughter's shifting attitudes and naughty behaviors in lofty, serious tones.) It feels like a more complete range of emotions from the parent (including anger and frustration) would be more "respectful" than this made-to-order robot-speak, no?
At the same time, I did like Lansbury's point that a parent can clearly and calmly articulate their own priorities and boundaries and that this will often lead to more logical discipline. She puts her finger on a tough tension between wanting your child to explore, create, and learn and then needing timing to work out (getting to school--argh!) or even just your body to be your own (please stop pulling on my ear; I need to sit at the computer for a minute; etc.). I think it's helpful to give parents permission to recognize their own irritation and to change the situation accordingly, rather than letting the child drive every scenario. I also liked her point that you should expect "bad behaviors" as part of toddler boundary-pushing, rather than always feeling let down when your child doesn't meet your expectations.
It would be fascinating to read this book in ten years and to recognize all the cultural messages that I am missing now in my anxieties about parenting a preschooler. I kept writing in the margins "this is not me!" (when Lansbury would write about the importance of being perpetually unruffled, calm and confident) and "of course, it's my fault!" (when Lansbury would write about a toddler's laser-beam ability to recognize a parents' emotional intensity or ambivalent decision-making). Occasionally, her attributions of parental fault seemed likely untrue. For example, there was a food bit in the book where she wrote a parent that the child had probably been teething or tasted an unpleasant food and then got such a reaction from the parent that she (the child) would not eat well after that. As a parent who watched her child switch from being an infant who ate everything to being a toddler who is quite finicky, I just don't believe that it stems from a specific emotional trigger. I suspect there is something both physiological and psychological about the shift to wanting control and safety in your food and that my attitude was neither here nor there, except for in how I respond to her eating choices (which is, to be fair, another occasion when being unruffled is actually advantageous).
My biggest bone to pick with this book is that at least half of it makes it sound like there's only one successful parenting personality--a kind of confident Zen and therapeutic mirroring-back-to-the-child--that you must acquire in order to make your children feel safe and that if you don't achieve that kind of Stepford Wife blandness, your child will keep acting out. (In this regard, I agree with another reviewer that it felt like this book sometimes indulged in a bit of parent-blaming, which my husband skeptically viewed as another strategy to sell advice. If every problem with your child's emotional life can be traced back to their deep detection of your insecurities and ambivalence, then surely you need a childcare guru to teach you how to improve yourself?)
While some of the book's strategies seem clear and positive to me (respond to behaviors firmly in the moment with consequences that make logical sense, articulate the child's emotions simply and directly, since they have trouble understanding their own feelings), there is also a lot of what I would call "therapy-talk" in here ("I see that you are feeling x...."), and I would be uncomfortable talking this artificially to my child all the time. (Honestly, I'd likely be incapable of it because it would make me burst into laughter to keep narrating my daughter's shifting attitudes and naughty behaviors in lofty, serious tones.) It feels like a more complete range of emotions from the parent (including anger and frustration) would be more "respectful" than this made-to-order robot-speak, no?
At the same time, I did like Lansbury's point that a parent can clearly and calmly articulate their own priorities and boundaries and that this will often lead to more logical discipline. She puts her finger on a tough tension between wanting your child to explore, create, and learn and then needing timing to work out (getting to school--argh!) or even just your body to be your own (please stop pulling on my ear; I need to sit at the computer for a minute; etc.). I think it's helpful to give parents permission to recognize their own irritation and to change the situation accordingly, rather than letting the child drive every scenario. I also liked her point that you should expect "bad behaviors" as part of toddler boundary-pushing, rather than always feeling let down when your child doesn't meet your expectations.
It would be fascinating to read this book in ten years and to recognize all the cultural messages that I am missing now in my anxieties about parenting a preschooler. I kept writing in the margins "this is not me!" (when Lansbury would write about the importance of being perpetually unruffled, calm and confident) and "of course, it's my fault!" (when Lansbury would write about a toddler's laser-beam ability to recognize a parents' emotional intensity or ambivalent decision-making). Occasionally, her attributions of parental fault seemed likely untrue. For example, there was a food bit in the book where she wrote a parent that the child had probably been teething or tasted an unpleasant food and then got such a reaction from the parent that she (the child) would not eat well after that. As a parent who watched her child switch from being an infant who ate everything to being a toddler who is quite finicky, I just don't believe that it stems from a specific emotional trigger. I suspect there is something both physiological and psychological about the shift to wanting control and safety in your food and that my attitude was neither here nor there, except for in how I respond to her eating choices (which is, to be fair, another occasion when being unruffled is actually advantageous).
August 3, 2015
On the one hand, I think there's a lot of good advice in this book, and as a Montessorian, I'm already inclined towards the "follow the child" philosophy she espouses, though I don't agree with everything she says. What I really dislike, though, is the smug tone, and the parent-blaming vibe throughout. I'm really glad that I read this book NOW, rather than back while I was struggling terribly with PPD, because the way that Lansbury makes it sound as though every problem a kid is having is due to something the parent is doing wrong, and in particular, their parent's lack of confidence...well, gosh, that would've just confirmed every doubt the depression-demons were whispering into my ear about my unfitness as a parent. I guess what I feel is missing is an empathy for the parents - Lansbury's brimming with empathy for the kids (which is great) but if we parents are having a hard time, it's because we aren't trying hard enough, or aren't being "convincing", or aren't really "believing" or whatever. But at the same time, Lansbury does, unlike some of the other gentle parenting writers out there, acknowledge that parents have limits and should set boundaries around those limits. I just think the way she writes about those things is really, really triggery if you're someone struggling with depression or perfectionism. I've found that "Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids" (from Laura Markham) does a much better job of acknowledging the hard emotional work that has to go on at the parent's end, especially when parents themselves weren't parented in the respectful manner that she (and Lansbury) advocate.
April 5, 2015
"From infancy onwards our children need to know we will patiently hear and accept all their feelings and try our best to understand them. The challenge is not to squelch the feelings (with distractions, punishments, or other invalidating responses), and also not to let the emotional outbursts impact us too much - to hear and support our child without absorbing her moods."
This book is basically a collection of blog posts and email correspondence about parenting toddlers and much of the information is repetitious. I would have liked to see the advice backed up by data rather than anecdotal evidence, but the recommendations in this book do make sense to me.
Conflict avoidant parents who don't want to be the bad guy often let children get away with too much when they should be setting boundaries. Strict parents don't give their children enough autonomy to explore the world and express negative feelings. The ideal parent is somewhere in the middle.
Lansbury advises against punishing toddlers by spanking, yelling, or gimmicks like time outs. Instead we should treat toddlers with the same respect we treat other adults. Don't make them give forced apologies or try to make them feel guilty. If a toddler hits you, don't punish them or get upset, instead calmly prevent them from hitting you again and explain you don't want them to do that. Children pattern their behavior on what they see you doing. This is another reason why it's a bad idea to hit or yell at kids.
Encourage curiosity. Don't tell a child no if they reach for something on a high shelf, but instead say "Wow, you can reach that now!" Lansbury advises against using the word "No" too often, since it quickly becomes meaningless. It's better to only say "No" in emergency situations so your toddler will actually listen. Talk to toddlers the same way you talk to other adults. Don't use baby talk or refer to yourself in the third person. Don't say things like "inside voice" or "use your words". Talk the way you want them to talk.
When a toddler reaches for something you don't want them to have, don't distract them with another toy since they won't learn that way. Instead, gently tell them not to grab the item in question. If they get upset, acknowledge their feelings, but remain firm. "I know you want the cell phone, but you can't have it." Be confident when telling a child they can't do something and set clear limits that your toddler can understand. Children can sense their parent's anxiety, and this makes them feel less secure in the world. Instead be a confidant, but gentle leader.
Toddlers thrive on routine. You should try to be as consistent as possible since constantly changing rules sets them up for failure. Let your child know they're important by giving them your complete attention. Don't look at your phone while you're talking to them, etc. Phrase instructions positively rather than negatively. Instead of "Don't jump on me!" say "I want you to sit still on my lap." Acknowledge their point of view. "I know you want to stay in the park, but it's time to leave." If a child is frustrated or upset, they might be trying to tell you that they're hungry, thirsty, or sleepy.
Let them know the consequences of their behavior. If a child throws food, meal time is over. A disconnected punishment like a time out won't make sense to them. Also, the consequence needs to be immediate for it to connect in their minds.
Don't interrupt your child when they're in the middle of doing something unless it's an emergency. Give them advanced notice, "In a few minutes, it will be time to get into your pajamas." Pulling them away from what they're doing suddenly will upset them. There's a temptation to do things quickly like wiping their nose before they have time to object, but it's better in the long run to grant them some autonomy. If their nose needs to be wiped, let them help. Instead of holding them down to clip their fingernails ask, "Which fingernail should I clip first?" Talk and do things more slowly so your child has time to process what's being said and what's going on.
Don't overwhelm them with too many choices, but give them options. "Do you want to brush your teeth yourself or do you want me to help you?" Don't ask questions like "Do you want to go to grandpa's house?" Since if they answer no, they'll find themselves being ignored. Rather ask "Do you want to go to grandpa's house now or in five minutes?"
The parent child relationship is like any other relationship; both points of view matter. Don't wait for a toddler to push you to the limit. If you start to feel yourself getting annoyed, curtail their behavior before you lose control. Parents should never take a toddler's misbehavior personally; they don't have the same control over their emotions that adults do.
This book is basically a collection of blog posts and email correspondence about parenting toddlers and much of the information is repetitious. I would have liked to see the advice backed up by data rather than anecdotal evidence, but the recommendations in this book do make sense to me.
Conflict avoidant parents who don't want to be the bad guy often let children get away with too much when they should be setting boundaries. Strict parents don't give their children enough autonomy to explore the world and express negative feelings. The ideal parent is somewhere in the middle.
Lansbury advises against punishing toddlers by spanking, yelling, or gimmicks like time outs. Instead we should treat toddlers with the same respect we treat other adults. Don't make them give forced apologies or try to make them feel guilty. If a toddler hits you, don't punish them or get upset, instead calmly prevent them from hitting you again and explain you don't want them to do that. Children pattern their behavior on what they see you doing. This is another reason why it's a bad idea to hit or yell at kids.
Encourage curiosity. Don't tell a child no if they reach for something on a high shelf, but instead say "Wow, you can reach that now!" Lansbury advises against using the word "No" too often, since it quickly becomes meaningless. It's better to only say "No" in emergency situations so your toddler will actually listen. Talk to toddlers the same way you talk to other adults. Don't use baby talk or refer to yourself in the third person. Don't say things like "inside voice" or "use your words". Talk the way you want them to talk.
When a toddler reaches for something you don't want them to have, don't distract them with another toy since they won't learn that way. Instead, gently tell them not to grab the item in question. If they get upset, acknowledge their feelings, but remain firm. "I know you want the cell phone, but you can't have it." Be confident when telling a child they can't do something and set clear limits that your toddler can understand. Children can sense their parent's anxiety, and this makes them feel less secure in the world. Instead be a confidant, but gentle leader.
Toddlers thrive on routine. You should try to be as consistent as possible since constantly changing rules sets them up for failure. Let your child know they're important by giving them your complete attention. Don't look at your phone while you're talking to them, etc. Phrase instructions positively rather than negatively. Instead of "Don't jump on me!" say "I want you to sit still on my lap." Acknowledge their point of view. "I know you want to stay in the park, but it's time to leave." If a child is frustrated or upset, they might be trying to tell you that they're hungry, thirsty, or sleepy.
Let them know the consequences of their behavior. If a child throws food, meal time is over. A disconnected punishment like a time out won't make sense to them. Also, the consequence needs to be immediate for it to connect in their minds.
Don't interrupt your child when they're in the middle of doing something unless it's an emergency. Give them advanced notice, "In a few minutes, it will be time to get into your pajamas." Pulling them away from what they're doing suddenly will upset them. There's a temptation to do things quickly like wiping their nose before they have time to object, but it's better in the long run to grant them some autonomy. If their nose needs to be wiped, let them help. Instead of holding them down to clip their fingernails ask, "Which fingernail should I clip first?" Talk and do things more slowly so your child has time to process what's being said and what's going on.
Don't overwhelm them with too many choices, but give them options. "Do you want to brush your teeth yourself or do you want me to help you?" Don't ask questions like "Do you want to go to grandpa's house?" Since if they answer no, they'll find themselves being ignored. Rather ask "Do you want to go to grandpa's house now or in five minutes?"
The parent child relationship is like any other relationship; both points of view matter. Don't wait for a toddler to push you to the limit. If you start to feel yourself getting annoyed, curtail their behavior before you lose control. Parents should never take a toddler's misbehavior personally; they don't have the same control over their emotions that adults do.
abandoned
January 9, 2017I need to stop reading parenting books. Halfway through and no solid ideas on discipline but a fine sense of guilt.
July 23, 2018
*3.5 stars*
This is the first parenting book I've read, and it reminds me of why I've never read any in the past. Although I admire Lansbury's advice, as well as the RIE methods she highlights (it seems similar to Montessori, which I try to follow), it's hard to get very much out of it, at least for me. Every toddler is different, and what works in one scenario might not in another.
It is a timely reminder to stop using the royal we and third person when talking to my daughter, however. She's not a baby, and it does feel more connected to say "I would like to put that down" instead of "We don't play with that."
This is the first parenting book I've read, and it reminds me of why I've never read any in the past. Although I admire Lansbury's advice, as well as the RIE methods she highlights (it seems similar to Montessori, which I try to follow), it's hard to get very much out of it, at least for me. Every toddler is different, and what works in one scenario might not in another.
It is a timely reminder to stop using the royal we and third person when talking to my daughter, however. She's not a baby, and it does feel more connected to say "I would like to put that down" instead of "We don't play with that."
February 20, 2018
I didn't agree with everything in this book, but it did give me some concrete strategies of things I needed to work on, which have already helped me in my parenting.
My three big takeaways from this are:
1) Even if they seem totally irrational, I need to acknowledge my child's feelings. This can be as simple as saying, "You're upset because I wouldn't let you run by yourself in the parking lot."
2) State limits in first-person language, rather than in third-person or in other vague terms. (In other words, say, "I won't let you hit me" rather than "Hitting isn't nice" or even "Mama doesn't like it when you hit her." After, gently grab child's hands or feet to prevent the action from being carried through, which is something we were doing anyway.)
3) If I find myself getting ruffled or feeling distinctly angry or annoyed, chances are good I didn't set and enforce a boundary soon enough. Try to set boundaries EARLY while chances are still good that I'll be able to remain calm throughout the encounter.
My three big takeaways from this are:
1) Even if they seem totally irrational, I need to acknowledge my child's feelings. This can be as simple as saying, "You're upset because I wouldn't let you run by yourself in the parking lot."
2) State limits in first-person language, rather than in third-person or in other vague terms. (In other words, say, "I won't let you hit me" rather than "Hitting isn't nice" or even "Mama doesn't like it when you hit her." After, gently grab child's hands or feet to prevent the action from being carried through, which is something we were doing anyway.)
3) If I find myself getting ruffled or feeling distinctly angry or annoyed, chances are good I didn't set and enforce a boundary soon enough. Try to set boundaries EARLY while chances are still good that I'll be able to remain calm throughout the encounter.
December 30, 2018
Și ultima carte pentru acest an... o carte frumoasa de parenting. Deși inițial ma gândeam sa ii dau 4-4.5, dar dacă tot e sărbătoare.. 😁😁
Exista cărți(in special din cele pentru părinți sau motivaționale) care încă înainte de a începe de a le citi știi ca vor fi faine. Și asta e din motiv ca ti-au fost recomandate deja de multe ori, și/ori știi ca persoanele care au făcut-o îți împărtășesc aceleasi gânduri/valori.
Așa a fost și in cazul acestei cărți.
Este un manual foarte bun pentru parintii care optează pentru parentingul conștient și plin de respect.
Autoarea explica in termeni simpli, pe întelesul tuturor cauzele comportamentelor “nedorite” ale copiilor și propune metode concrete pentru acțiunea părinților. De asemenea, unul din detaliile cele mai plăcute pentru mine a fost explicarea și delimitarea termenilor de parenting respectuos cu cel de parenting pasiv, astfel încât se distrug toate stereotipurile legate de parintii care refuza la pedepse, dar si atenționându-i sa nu ajunga la cealaltă extrema(cea a unei relații prea permisive in care parintele nu mai are valoare).
Încă un detaliu care mi-a plăcut au fost scrisorile cititorilor cu răspunsurile autoarei la ele, iar multe din ele chiar m-au făcut sa plâng... uneori din cauza ca ma regăseam și eu in unele greseli ale părinților, alteori de bucurie din motiv ca mi-aminteam cum am depășit deja cu succes și noi unele momente, iar la altele ma emoționam pur și simplu conștientizând cât de curajoși, răbdători și iubitori sunt unii părinți care sunt gata atât de mult sa învețe și sa se schimbe de dragul copiilor săi.
In mare parte as recomanda aceasta carte părinților care au copii între 0 și 3 ani, majoritatea ideilor/ sfaturilor fiind totuși pentru aceasta categorie de varsta, deși au fost și din cele pentru copii mai mari.
Așa ca... dacă tot e sfârșit de an... Va urez la toți un an plin de momente frumoase cu copiii voștri, plin de afecțiune, înțelegere,răbdare și empatie. ❤️
March 21, 2023
Lansbury is apparently one of the better known proponents on the Internet of "Gentle Parenting" -- which is a bit of a buzz-word for a certain style of parenting relying on empathy, respect, and understanding.
Here's the fundamental problem with the book: it is a collection of her blog articles packaged up as a book with apparently zero reworking of them. That means there's no nice introduction of her philosophy, no real structure to which chapters come when. For instance, Chapter 3 is "talking to toddlers" but Chapter 4 is about "baby discipline". (Babies and toddlers are different things!). Chapter 23 is "Setting Limits Without Yelling" but shouldn't this have been part of Chapter 5 "A Toddler's Need for Boundaries" or even Chapter 10 "The Power of No"?
This short book -- 162 pages -- has 32 chapters. So each chapter is a mere 5 pages on average. Everything comes across as very superficial because there's never any time to deeply examine any particular issue. Other similar parenting books at least have the space to talk about how strategies might fail, or different ways to put them into practice. Anecdotes from multiple parents on what they tried. And so on. There's almost none of that here.
Finally: this is a book with zero meat on its bones. I've learned it is foolhardy to expect any kind of real rigor from parenting books. They can't exactly point to scientific studies for most of this stuff. But this was definitely worse than average. There are essentially zero outside sources or references....except for Magda Gerber her friend and mentor. She is cited 23 times in these 32 chapters. The "suggested reading" includes a few of the usual suspects -- No-Drama Discipline, How to Talk So Kids Will Listen, Siblings Without Rivalry -- but none of the authors, their work, or their ideas are mentioned at all in the main text.
It's all just so.....fluffy when I want something with at least a little crunch.
Here's the fundamental problem with the book: it is a collection of her blog articles packaged up as a book with apparently zero reworking of them. That means there's no nice introduction of her philosophy, no real structure to which chapters come when. For instance, Chapter 3 is "talking to toddlers" but Chapter 4 is about "baby discipline". (Babies and toddlers are different things!). Chapter 23 is "Setting Limits Without Yelling" but shouldn't this have been part of Chapter 5 "A Toddler's Need for Boundaries" or even Chapter 10 "The Power of No"?
This short book -- 162 pages -- has 32 chapters. So each chapter is a mere 5 pages on average. Everything comes across as very superficial because there's never any time to deeply examine any particular issue. Other similar parenting books at least have the space to talk about how strategies might fail, or different ways to put them into practice. Anecdotes from multiple parents on what they tried. And so on. There's almost none of that here.
Finally: this is a book with zero meat on its bones. I've learned it is foolhardy to expect any kind of real rigor from parenting books. They can't exactly point to scientific studies for most of this stuff. But this was definitely worse than average. There are essentially zero outside sources or references....except for Magda Gerber her friend and mentor. She is cited 23 times in these 32 chapters. The "suggested reading" includes a few of the usual suspects -- No-Drama Discipline, How to Talk So Kids Will Listen, Siblings Without Rivalry -- but none of the authors, their work, or their ideas are mentioned at all in the main text.
It's all just so.....fluffy when I want something with at least a little crunch.
September 16, 2020
Idei care mi-au placut si pe care le consider utile:
Nu se pune problema ca disciplina nu ar fi necesara la copii. […] lipsa disciplinei nu e bunatate, e neglijenta.
Predicile, reactiile emotionale, mustrarile si pedepsele nu ii ofera copilului mic reprezentarea clara de care are nevoie si pot genera vinovatie sau rusine. Un simplu “nu ai voie sa faci asta; daca mai faci asta o data, va trebui sa (iti iau mingea)” este raspunsul cel mai bun.
Vorbiti la persoana I, nu “mami” “tati” pentru a oferi copilului interactiune directa (eu versus tu)
Sa ne iubim copilul inseamna sa il facem fericit in orice moment si sa evitam luptele pentru putere. Adesea inseamna sa facem ceea ce ni se pare cel mai dificil: sa spunem “Nu” si sa vorbim serios.
Niciodata, sub nicio forma, nu luati personal comportamentul copilului atunci cand incalca o limita. Nu reactiona la comportamentul copilului mic ca si cand acesta ar fi un adult.
Atunci cand parintii rostesc mai mult decat o fraza sau doua despre comportamentul nedorit, chiar si atunci cand isi pastreaza calmul, risca sa creeze o poveste despre un copil cu o problema, care il face apoi pe copil sa o identifice ca fiind propria sa poveste sau problema cand, de fapt, a fost doar un comportament impulsiv, de moment, pe care l-a incercat de cateva ori.
“As trata vreodata astfel un adult?” – e o metoda buna de a ne asigura ca tratam copilul cu respect.
Daca un parinte nu crede in validitatea unei reguli sau se teme ca nu va fi respectata de catre copil, exista riscul ca acesta sa nu o urmeze. Comunicarea plina de incredere inseamna sa pui PUNCT la finalul propozitiilor si NU o intrebare cum ar fi “Bine?”
Consecintele nu trebuie sa fie un termen elegant pentru pedepse, ci alegeri rezonabile, logice si potrivite varstei, exprimate cu blandete si incredere si combinate cu recunoasterea emotiilor copilului.
In loc sa ne simtim vinovati, ar trebui sa ne simtim bine pentru ca avem grija de noi insine si punem relatia cu copilul pe primul loc. […] Oferirea limitelor cu sinceritate si respect este calea cea mai eficienta de a asigura siguranta emotionala care ii va ajuta pe copiii nostri sa se simta fericiti si liberi.
Cel mai rezonabil din partea noastra este sa ne asteptam la un comportament nerezonabil din partea copilului mic. Daca ne asteptam la haos, devine mult mai usor sa ne pastram calmul.
In esenta, cei mai multi parinti se tem sa isi educe copiii pentru ca se tem de luptele pentru putere. Se tem sa nu ii copleseasca pe copii cu puterea lor, se tem ca le vor distruge liberul-arbitru si personalitatea. Aceasta este o atitudine ERONATA. […] “Cum poate copilul nostru sa continue sa ne enerveze cand suntem atat de afectuosi si blanzi si respectuosi?” Dar comportamentul copilului NU este in ciuda eforturilor parintelui de a-l multumi sau a atitudinii blande si pasnice a acestuia. Este din cauza acestor lucruri.
Nu se pune problema ca disciplina nu ar fi necesara la copii. […] lipsa disciplinei nu e bunatate, e neglijenta.
Predicile, reactiile emotionale, mustrarile si pedepsele nu ii ofera copilului mic reprezentarea clara de care are nevoie si pot genera vinovatie sau rusine. Un simplu “nu ai voie sa faci asta; daca mai faci asta o data, va trebui sa (iti iau mingea)” este raspunsul cel mai bun.
Vorbiti la persoana I, nu “mami” “tati” pentru a oferi copilului interactiune directa (eu versus tu)
Sa ne iubim copilul inseamna sa il facem fericit in orice moment si sa evitam luptele pentru putere. Adesea inseamna sa facem ceea ce ni se pare cel mai dificil: sa spunem “Nu” si sa vorbim serios.
Niciodata, sub nicio forma, nu luati personal comportamentul copilului atunci cand incalca o limita. Nu reactiona la comportamentul copilului mic ca si cand acesta ar fi un adult.
Atunci cand parintii rostesc mai mult decat o fraza sau doua despre comportamentul nedorit, chiar si atunci cand isi pastreaza calmul, risca sa creeze o poveste despre un copil cu o problema, care il face apoi pe copil sa o identifice ca fiind propria sa poveste sau problema cand, de fapt, a fost doar un comportament impulsiv, de moment, pe care l-a incercat de cateva ori.
“As trata vreodata astfel un adult?” – e o metoda buna de a ne asigura ca tratam copilul cu respect.
Daca un parinte nu crede in validitatea unei reguli sau se teme ca nu va fi respectata de catre copil, exista riscul ca acesta sa nu o urmeze. Comunicarea plina de incredere inseamna sa pui PUNCT la finalul propozitiilor si NU o intrebare cum ar fi “Bine?”
Consecintele nu trebuie sa fie un termen elegant pentru pedepse, ci alegeri rezonabile, logice si potrivite varstei, exprimate cu blandete si incredere si combinate cu recunoasterea emotiilor copilului.
In loc sa ne simtim vinovati, ar trebui sa ne simtim bine pentru ca avem grija de noi insine si punem relatia cu copilul pe primul loc. […] Oferirea limitelor cu sinceritate si respect este calea cea mai eficienta de a asigura siguranta emotionala care ii va ajuta pe copiii nostri sa se simta fericiti si liberi.
Cel mai rezonabil din partea noastra este sa ne asteptam la un comportament nerezonabil din partea copilului mic. Daca ne asteptam la haos, devine mult mai usor sa ne pastram calmul.
In esenta, cei mai multi parinti se tem sa isi educe copiii pentru ca se tem de luptele pentru putere. Se tem sa nu ii copleseasca pe copii cu puterea lor, se tem ca le vor distruge liberul-arbitru si personalitatea. Aceasta este o atitudine ERONATA. […] “Cum poate copilul nostru sa continue sa ne enerveze cand suntem atat de afectuosi si blanzi si respectuosi?” Dar comportamentul copilului NU este in ciuda eforturilor parintelui de a-l multumi sau a atitudinii blande si pasnice a acestuia. Este din cauza acestor lucruri.
October 15, 2015
2.5 stars.
Okay, this book contains a lot of good tips about having a positive parent-child relationship with your toddler, including very helpful guidelines on communication and staying calm when engaging with the tiny tornado of poor impulse control living in your house. I liked those bits, and have been employing them with my almost 18 month old with...well...zero results because she's teensy, but I imagine it will be helpful as we go forward.
But oh man, the "I know better than you" attitude of the author was hard to stomach. I rolled my eyes constantly. She makes a lot of aside judgement statements that sound preachy and smug about what she considers incorrect discipline, saying things that sound like "well no wonder little Joey is a monster, your parenting approach is all wrong!" with what I assume is a closed-lip tsk-tsk smile while typing. Any parent feeling pretty blue about their skills would probably burst into tears while reading instead of feeling encouraged by learning of new ways to bond with their child.
Such as... "Experiences like Lily's profoundly reiterate for me that we must trust our children's self-healing abilities and know that every one of their feelings is absolutely perfect."
Practically perfect in every way! :/
Okay, this book contains a lot of good tips about having a positive parent-child relationship with your toddler, including very helpful guidelines on communication and staying calm when engaging with the tiny tornado of poor impulse control living in your house. I liked those bits, and have been employing them with my almost 18 month old with...well...zero results because she's teensy, but I imagine it will be helpful as we go forward.
But oh man, the "I know better than you" attitude of the author was hard to stomach. I rolled my eyes constantly. She makes a lot of aside judgement statements that sound preachy and smug about what she considers incorrect discipline, saying things that sound like "well no wonder little Joey is a monster, your parenting approach is all wrong!" with what I assume is a closed-lip tsk-tsk smile while typing. Any parent feeling pretty blue about their skills would probably burst into tears while reading instead of feeling encouraged by learning of new ways to bond with their child.
Such as... "Experiences like Lily's profoundly reiterate for me that we must trust our children's self-healing abilities and know that every one of their feelings is absolutely perfect."
Practically perfect in every way! :/
May 6, 2016
Really helpful in terms of laying out how to be an authoritative (not to be confused with authoritarian) parent, and give respectful guidance. Full disclosure: I felt really silly (like, REALLY SILLY) the first few times I was like "I see you're having trouble doing x, I'm going to hold your hands to help you" etc. in the way she suggests for correcting behavior, but as I've continued doing it, it's come to feel less and less contrived/robotic.
The notion that children crave leadership and guidance and that "bad" behavior is essentially a cry for help and leadership is a really empowering and sobering one.
The notion that children crave leadership and guidance and that "bad" behavior is essentially a cry for help and leadership is a really empowering and sobering one.
August 1, 2024
My husband and I try to read a book together every now and then and our selections have become slightly less exciting lately. Yeah, it's mostly parenting books now.
I'm so glad he is on the same page with me and ready to adopt all these newfangled ideas of gentle parenting and what not.
This book was extremely helpful. I don't like that it used the word 'discipline' but I think it was just the title, and if it makes some people who believe in old school discipline read this book, and maybe slightly change their ways, then that's a win.
I think the biggest lesson I learnt was to give my child a moment. Be firm about what needs to happen (we need to get dressed, have a bath, go to the nursery), but give her a moment to adjust to things and process stuff. I'm an impatient person, and was probably rushing her a lot which in the end was counterproductive, because she would rebel against that and flat out refused to do anything I wanted her to do.
Now I'm trying to live more in the moment with her and just enjoy the world as she sees it and try to ride out with her any big strong feelings. I feel more confident in what I'm doing and things are going a lot smoother.
It must be said she has always been a sunshine baby and isn't testing our parenting skills too much, so I'm not sure if this is a one size fits all kind of thing, but it is definitely working for us. Don't get me wrong, though, she is still a toddler who screamed at me yesterday because I couldn't repair a banana she had opened but then changed her mind.
I'm so glad he is on the same page with me and ready to adopt all these newfangled ideas of gentle parenting and what not.
This book was extremely helpful. I don't like that it used the word 'discipline' but I think it was just the title, and if it makes some people who believe in old school discipline read this book, and maybe slightly change their ways, then that's a win.
I think the biggest lesson I learnt was to give my child a moment. Be firm about what needs to happen (we need to get dressed, have a bath, go to the nursery), but give her a moment to adjust to things and process stuff. I'm an impatient person, and was probably rushing her a lot which in the end was counterproductive, because she would rebel against that and flat out refused to do anything I wanted her to do.
Now I'm trying to live more in the moment with her and just enjoy the world as she sees it and try to ride out with her any big strong feelings. I feel more confident in what I'm doing and things are going a lot smoother.
It must be said she has always been a sunshine baby and isn't testing our parenting skills too much, so I'm not sure if this is a one size fits all kind of thing, but it is definitely working for us. Don't get me wrong, though, she is still a toddler who screamed at me yesterday because I couldn't repair a banana she had opened but then changed her mind.
August 22, 2020
O carte bună de parenting, care ar fi foarte potrivită părinților cu copii până la trei ani. Ideea principală este că copiii au nevoie de limite, dar acestea trebuiesc stabilite cu blândețe. Cred ca se poate culege multă informație utilă din această lectură, dar trebuie sa o adaptăm fiecărui copil în parte.
📚 "Adesea, copiii mici își exprimă independența contrazicându-ne, oricare ar fi subiectul. Magda Gerber ne povestea adeseori despre un copil mic care striga „Nu!“ înainte de a accepta bucuros înghețata oferită de părinte. Sfidarea este o reacție aproape automată. Când noi spunem „Da“, copiii mici au o dorință copleşitoare de a spune „Nu" (și viceversa), indiferent dacă cred sau nu asta. Nu e nimic personal."
📚 "Părinții ezită adesea să le impună limite copiilor lor, pentru că preferă să nu aibă de-a face cu împotrivirea și reacţiile negative. Nu ne simțim bine când copiii noştri sunt nefericiți și este chiar mai rău când noi suntem răspunzători pentru asta. S-ar putea să ne simtim vinovaţi, să ne facem probleme că dezamăgirea sau furia copiilor noștri vor dura sau să ne temem că se vor simți neiubiți ori vor înceta să ne iubească pentru că nu i-am lăsat să facă așa cum doreau."
📚 "Adesea, copiii mici își exprimă independența contrazicându-ne, oricare ar fi subiectul. Magda Gerber ne povestea adeseori despre un copil mic care striga „Nu!“ înainte de a accepta bucuros înghețata oferită de părinte. Sfidarea este o reacție aproape automată. Când noi spunem „Da“, copiii mici au o dorință copleşitoare de a spune „Nu" (și viceversa), indiferent dacă cred sau nu asta. Nu e nimic personal."
📚 "Părinții ezită adesea să le impună limite copiilor lor, pentru că preferă să nu aibă de-a face cu împotrivirea și reacţiile negative. Nu ne simțim bine când copiii noştri sunt nefericiți și este chiar mai rău când noi suntem răspunzători pentru asta. S-ar putea să ne simtim vinovaţi, să ne facem probleme că dezamăgirea sau furia copiilor noștri vor dura sau să ne temem că se vor simți neiubiți ori vor înceta să ne iubească pentru că nu i-am lăsat să facă așa cum doreau."
August 2, 2021
Prieš pradėdama skaityti šią knygą, svarsčiau, ar joje pavyks rasti sau kažką aktualaus. Knyga orientuota į jaunesnių atžalų turinčius tėvus, pavyzdžiuose dažniausiai minimi kūdikiai ar 2-4m. mažyliai. Auginant trylikametį paauglį ir septynmetę dukrą, dauguma knygoje aptariamų problemų, jau seniai užmirštos. Tačiau, knygoje radau nemažai universlaių patarimų, tinkamų bet kokio amžiaus vaikui. Pagarba vaikui, ribų nustatymas, kantrybė sunkiausiais vaikų gyvenimo tarpsniais, amžiaus ribų neturi.⠀
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Autorė, remdamasi ilgamete darbo su vaikais ir jų tėvais patirtimi, laiškų - atsakymų ir patarimų forma, pasakoja apie vaikams taip reikalingų ribų nustatymą, pagarbų elgesį su jais ir ne visada malonių, bet natūralių jų emocijų priėmimą.⠀
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Nesu tokio žanro knygų mėgėja, nes dažniausiai visos parašytos labai sausai ir primena mokyklinį vadovėlį. Ši, priešingai - lengvai, suprantamai išdėstytas tekstas, jokio moralizavimo. Vienintelis trūkumas - keliose vietose jautėsi, lyg autorė kalbėtų "tą patį, per tą patį". ⠀
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Žadu išbandyti kelis knygoje aprašytus "triukus" - pažiūrėsim, ar tikrai veikia 😀⠀
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Rekomenduoju visiems naujai iškeptiems tėvams ir tiems, kurie dar tik laukia šeimos pagausėjimo ar abejojantiems, kad vaiką įmanoma drausminti be fizinių bausmių. 👨👩👧👦🤰
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Autorė, remdamasi ilgamete darbo su vaikais ir jų tėvais patirtimi, laiškų - atsakymų ir patarimų forma, pasakoja apie vaikams taip reikalingų ribų nustatymą, pagarbų elgesį su jais ir ne visada malonių, bet natūralių jų emocijų priėmimą.⠀
⠀
Nesu tokio žanro knygų mėgėja, nes dažniausiai visos parašytos labai sausai ir primena mokyklinį vadovėlį. Ši, priešingai - lengvai, suprantamai išdėstytas tekstas, jokio moralizavimo. Vienintelis trūkumas - keliose vietose jautėsi, lyg autorė kalbėtų "tą patį, per tą patį". ⠀
⠀
Žadu išbandyti kelis knygoje aprašytus "triukus" - pažiūrėsim, ar tikrai veikia 😀⠀
⠀
Rekomenduoju visiems naujai iškeptiems tėvams ir tiems, kurie dar tik laukia šeimos pagausėjimo ar abejojantiems, kad vaiką įmanoma drausminti be fizinių bausmių. 👨👩👧👦🤰
February 23, 2017
The core thesis of this book can be summarised as: accord your child's feelings, opinions, needs and wants with the same respect you would give any other persons. This is a compelling proposition, I've read the primary research that substantiates it and, because my initial, uninformed opinion was more "authoritarian", I've seen the happy, emotionally mature and thoughtful children its progressive adoption has created in my own family.
So the idea behind this book is good. But the book itself is terrible and best described as a "listicle of listicles". As the introduction notes, the content is mostly sourced from the author's blog posts and it shows in the low quality book that results.
Consisting of about 30-35k words, the book is divided into 35 short chapters. Whilst these are loosely grouped into themes it's hard to find an arc to the book. Certainly none is articulated. What's more, most of the individual articles are themselves nothing more than lists. Whether it's inability, lack of effort or a genuine, unarticulated impossibility, the author has not attempted to synthesise any overall conclusions or connect chapter to chapter. The resulting text is, quite literally, a list of lists:
"Chapter 1. First, XXX. Second, YYY. Third, ZZZ. Etc"
Some of the more interesting content are the letters from parents with the author's response. Whilst the responses almost always devolve to a list, prefaced with "Dear" and suffixed with "Warmly", the case example provided by the initiating letter provide context to an otherwise platitudinous flow of words.
And this is the deeper problem. Whilst I agree with the author's mindset and perspective, an agreement based on my own independent reading of the research, she presents no research or arguments for why her view is right. An endless sequence of platitudes and appeals to the authority of someone else who says the same thing is no more convincing than Gina Ford's (antithetical) arguments for scheduling and authoritarian discipline.
To summarise: A book is much more than a collection of chapters. An argument is much more than an assertion. Other books ("Raising Boys" and "Raising Girls" come to mind) put this poor effort to shame.
So the idea behind this book is good. But the book itself is terrible and best described as a "listicle of listicles". As the introduction notes, the content is mostly sourced from the author's blog posts and it shows in the low quality book that results.
Consisting of about 30-35k words, the book is divided into 35 short chapters. Whilst these are loosely grouped into themes it's hard to find an arc to the book. Certainly none is articulated. What's more, most of the individual articles are themselves nothing more than lists. Whether it's inability, lack of effort or a genuine, unarticulated impossibility, the author has not attempted to synthesise any overall conclusions or connect chapter to chapter. The resulting text is, quite literally, a list of lists:
"Chapter 1. First, XXX. Second, YYY. Third, ZZZ. Etc"
Some of the more interesting content are the letters from parents with the author's response. Whilst the responses almost always devolve to a list, prefaced with "Dear" and suffixed with "Warmly", the case example provided by the initiating letter provide context to an otherwise platitudinous flow of words.
And this is the deeper problem. Whilst I agree with the author's mindset and perspective, an agreement based on my own independent reading of the research, she presents no research or arguments for why her view is right. An endless sequence of platitudes and appeals to the authority of someone else who says the same thing is no more convincing than Gina Ford's (antithetical) arguments for scheduling and authoritarian discipline.
To summarise: A book is much more than a collection of chapters. An argument is much more than an assertion. Other books ("Raising Boys" and "Raising Girls" come to mind) put this poor effort to shame.
November 3, 2014
This book came out at just the right time for my family. My son had just turned 20 months and was starting to hit my husband and me, his classmates, and other family members. He had thrown a couple of tantrums by this point, too; and he was becoming a bit defiant. I've followed Janet Lansbury's blog over the past couple of years, and even though I knew this would basically be a collection of posts I'd read before, I knew I needed to read it all again now that these topics were timely for me.
It has been such a benefit to my family and to our relationship with our son to know how to interact with him in a gentle and respectful way. I want to encourage his confidence and independence while instilling in him a healthy respect for boundaries and consequences, so Lansbury and RIE are just right for my family. We've had very few moments in which I did not feel in control and capable, and it's because the guidelines Lansbury sets up for readers are simple and effective.
I recommend this for all parents, regardless of age. I've even applied these concepts to my high school students and have been amazed at their effectiveness!
It has been such a benefit to my family and to our relationship with our son to know how to interact with him in a gentle and respectful way. I want to encourage his confidence and independence while instilling in him a healthy respect for boundaries and consequences, so Lansbury and RIE are just right for my family. We've had very few moments in which I did not feel in control and capable, and it's because the guidelines Lansbury sets up for readers are simple and effective.
I recommend this for all parents, regardless of age. I've even applied these concepts to my high school students and have been amazed at their effectiveness!
December 12, 2017
”Nu putem controla emoțiile unei alte persoane. Putem influența numai libertatea pe care o simte copilul nostru să le exprime. Încurajarea exprimării emoțiilor și recunoașterea lor reprezintă cheia către sănătatea emoțională și prețuirea de sine a copilului nostru.”
Mi-a plăcut cartea și exemplele pe care le deține. Tema limitelor în educația copiilor mei este una importantă și cartea această îmi răspunde concret la unele întrebări pe care mi le puneam, totodată am găsit și veriga mea slabă în procesul stabilirii acestor limite. O recomand părinților care își educă copiii cu blândețe și respect.
Mi-a plăcut cartea și exemplele pe care le deține. Tema limitelor în educația copiilor mei este una importantă și cartea această îmi răspunde concret la unele întrebări pe care mi le puneam, totodată am găsit și veriga mea slabă în procesul stabilirii acestor limite. O recomand părinților care își educă copiii cu blândețe și respect.
March 6, 2020
I like Janet's blog so I wanted to see if her book is just a blog print-out. Fortunately, this book has a clear structure and messaging, with various topics discussed in properly-split chapters. I believe all parents should read this book and get over the 'guilt' you may feel whilst reading it - take the helpful lessons from the examples given by Janet and simply accept that all parents make mistakes. This is how we grow.
July 26, 2023
Nevoia de a spune "nu" corelează în mod direct cu nevoia copiilor de a simți autoritatea părinților care îi face să se simtă în siguranță.
Copii au nevoie ca noi să le recunoaștem emoțiile (mai ales cele negative) și dorințele și să le vorbim la persoana I.
A impune limite sănătoase este vital pentru copii. Ei încearcă să ne testeze limitele și să afle dacă pot avea încredere în siguranța pe care le-o transmitem când le spunem blând: "nu-ți dau voie să faci asta."
Copii au nevoie ca noi să le recunoaștem emoțiile (mai ales cele negative) și dorințele și să le vorbim la persoana I.
A impune limite sănătoase este vital pentru copii. Ei încearcă să ne testeze limitele și să afle dacă pot avea încredere în siguranța pe care le-o transmitem când le spunem blând: "nu-ți dau voie să faci asta."
January 23, 2021
Çok faydalandığım bir kitap oldu.
July 16, 2021
Love Janet Lansbury’s perspective on discipline: “Discipline is help.” A child who’s misbehaving is asking us to help them. When they’re being defiant, they’re not feeling relaxed, free or happy; they’re feeling uneasy, insecure and stuck, and they need our help – in the form of clear, calm boundary-setting – to get them out of that place.
I also love (and routinely use) a lot of the wording Lansbury suggests: “I won’t let you throw that” … “I can see how upset you are. You really wanted to hold that and I moved it away” etc.
The thing I have reservations about is what kind of behaviour requires discipline, according to her. For example, she recommends firmly preventing a kid from climbing on you during a playgroup, or refusing to let a kid walk to the car wearing your shoes after leaving a dinner party. She often criticises parents who wait for their children to be ready to leave a place or who let their children inconvenience them by making a mess around the house.
I still lean much more towards Alfie Kohn’s take: say no as little as possible, and also if you wanted a tidy house and to get places on time, maybe you shouldn’t have had kids.
I also love (and routinely use) a lot of the wording Lansbury suggests: “I won’t let you throw that” … “I can see how upset you are. You really wanted to hold that and I moved it away” etc.
The thing I have reservations about is what kind of behaviour requires discipline, according to her. For example, she recommends firmly preventing a kid from climbing on you during a playgroup, or refusing to let a kid walk to the car wearing your shoes after leaving a dinner party. She often criticises parents who wait for their children to be ready to leave a place or who let their children inconvenience them by making a mess around the house.
I still lean much more towards Alfie Kohn’s take: say no as little as possible, and also if you wanted a tidy house and to get places on time, maybe you shouldn’t have had kids.
November 2, 2018
Ehhhhh. DID YOU KNOW I have kids? They have lots of feelings.
Here is what I appreciated about this book: Getting in your car seat is not a negotiation. Do it.
Here is what I didn't get from this book: Never give time-outs. Sure, don't give a one year old a time out. But three year olds need to step away from situations that are out of control sometimes (and even two year olds who have made the same bad choice six times today! gasp!), and its not because they are bad but because they need to take some breaths by themselves just like every damn person in the world.
This felt like a case of speaking too broadly, and being misinterpreted by parents who want to see themselves as gentle and thoughtful. Which it is fine to be! I just felt like this book epitomized "practical parenting advice that is just freaking common sense." more than anything else I've read. Hooray!
Here is what I appreciated about this book: Getting in your car seat is not a negotiation. Do it.
Here is what I didn't get from this book: Never give time-outs. Sure, don't give a one year old a time out. But three year olds need to step away from situations that are out of control sometimes (and even two year olds who have made the same bad choice six times today! gasp!), and its not because they are bad but because they need to take some breaths by themselves just like every damn person in the world.
This felt like a case of speaking too broadly, and being misinterpreted by parents who want to see themselves as gentle and thoughtful. Which it is fine to be! I just felt like this book epitomized "practical parenting advice that is just freaking common sense." more than anything else I've read. Hooray!
October 30, 2023
Părinții din lumea întreagă mereu au avut o dilemă în ceea ce constă modul de educare a copiilor. În calitate de părinte te întrebi de nenumărate ori dacă modul în care acționezi este cel corect sau dacă acțiunile tale vor avea un impact pozitiv sau negativ asupra propriului copil. Nimeni nu poate zice cu siguranță că metoda lui de educare este cea mai bună, însă diferite cercetări au ca scop să evidențieze anumite comportamente ale copilului generate ca urmare a acțiunii părintelui.
Cartea de față are ca scop să ghideze părintele cum să ofere copilului o educație cu blândețe, fără pedepse și rușine.
Premisa de la care pornește autoarea constă în ai trata pe copii ca pe niște persoane complete, intuitive și în stare să înțeleagă și să exploreze limite dar și capabile să coopereze.
Așa cum afirmă și titlul cărții, Janet susține că nu există copii răi, ci niște persoane mici, impresionabile și confuze, care se luptă cu emoțiile și impulsurile lor, încercând să comunice ceea ce simt în singurul mod pe care îl cunosc.
Autoarea evidențiază ideea că copiii merită răspunsuri directe și sincere din partea părinților ca să poată înțelege binele și răul și ca să poată dezvolta o autodisciplină necesară pentru a-i respecta pe ceilalți și pentru a fi respectați.
“În cele din urmă, marele secret pentru a avea succes în educarea copiilor este să renunțăm la trucuri, la păcăleli și la toate celelalte tactici de manipulare și să fim pur și simplu sinceri cu bebelușii și copiii noștri mici.”
Copiii simt mereu necesitatea de a testa limitele părintelui. Iar acesta ar trebui să perceapă micuțul care-i testează limitele mai degrabă ca pe o persoană care are nevoie de ajutor decât ca pe un puști obraznic. Copilul are nevoie de sprijinul părintelui, nu de furie și pedepse. Ezitarea părintelui în a stabili limite clare poate să le creeze copiilor disconfort și insecuritate. Iar vulnerabilitatea părintelui le dă o senzația de vinovăție.
Mi-a plăcut cartea și o recomand tuturor părinților, dar și celor care au tangențe cât de mici cu copiii.
“Nu există copii răi” de Janet Lansbury
Cartea de față are ca scop să ghideze părintele cum să ofere copilului o educație cu blândețe, fără pedepse și rușine.
Premisa de la care pornește autoarea constă în ai trata pe copii ca pe niște persoane complete, intuitive și în stare să înțeleagă și să exploreze limite dar și capabile să coopereze.
Așa cum afirmă și titlul cărții, Janet susține că nu există copii răi, ci niște persoane mici, impresionabile și confuze, care se luptă cu emoțiile și impulsurile lor, încercând să comunice ceea ce simt în singurul mod pe care îl cunosc.
Autoarea evidențiază ideea că copiii merită răspunsuri directe și sincere din partea părinților ca să poată înțelege binele și răul și ca să poată dezvolta o autodisciplină necesară pentru a-i respecta pe ceilalți și pentru a fi respectați.
“În cele din urmă, marele secret pentru a avea succes în educarea copiilor este să renunțăm la trucuri, la păcăleli și la toate celelalte tactici de manipulare și să fim pur și simplu sinceri cu bebelușii și copiii noștri mici.”
Copiii simt mereu necesitatea de a testa limitele părintelui. Iar acesta ar trebui să perceapă micuțul care-i testează limitele mai degrabă ca pe o persoană care are nevoie de ajutor decât ca pe un puști obraznic. Copilul are nevoie de sprijinul părintelui, nu de furie și pedepse. Ezitarea părintelui în a stabili limite clare poate să le creeze copiilor disconfort și insecuritate. Iar vulnerabilitatea părintelui le dă o senzația de vinovăție.
Mi-a plăcut cartea și o recomand tuturor părinților, dar și celor care au tangențe cât de mici cu copiii.
“Nu există copii răi” de Janet Lansbury
March 28, 2024
I really enjoyed reading this book and I was on a Janet Lansbury jag for a while after, but I eventually cooled on her for good reason. But first, the good stuff:
She outlines a very simple approach to establishing and maintaining boundaries with a toddler that essentially covers 80% of your discipline needs.
It’s written in a very inspiring way. It makes you believe that if you can only pull this off, your child will become some kind of perfect angel.
Note: she doesn’t actually promise that. She repeats that pushing boundaries is normal and trying new things is normal, and tantrums are normal, and all she’s saying is that when those behaviors cross a line (safety, your sanity), you should enforce the line immediately and firmly, and that you should emotionally disengage from the tantrum that inevitably ensues.
Lansbury has a very inspiring way of writing and speaking that defies the messiness of reality. Her podcast is fun to listen to, although there have been times I’ve found myself wondering if she’s talking in word soup or actually saying something. this is probably why she has a cult following, even though what she's saying isn't that enormous.
The techniques in this overlap largely with Love and Logic and the Montessori approach. I thought it was a little bit less hard-nosed than L&L; although she also doesn’t believe in giving second chances, she’s much more empathetic about it.
Okay the bad stuff:
Like all parenting books, there’s advice in there that made me roll my eyes. While I appreciate the respectful attitude of RIE, I think some of the details are misguided. Those details are largely absent from this book (which is about discipline, not childrearing) but not entirely. She takes a moment to disparage babywearing and talk up nursing, for example.
About the 20% of disciplinary needs that’s missing from this book: One of the things she doesn’t believe in is Time Out. I think TO is sometimes the only consequence in your arsenal, and moreover, sometimes if a kid is flipping out, TO gives them the quiet moment they need.
Also, in a situation where there’s no natural consequence and you can’t eliminate the temptation from a kid’s life, TO is a low-key consequence to behaviors you want to discourage. People describe it as telling a kid you don’t love them; I guess that depends how you pull it off. Telling a kid they need to step out to cool off isn't actually the same thing as saying "I don't love you when you're upset."
RIE and gentle parenting gurus say to do something that resembles TO but you remain present, which sounds great unless the conflict is between you and the kid and the kid is angry at you and your failure to give them space makes it all worse. Also, one thing you never hear: a toddler having a tantrum alone. Your very presence extends the tantrum length.
She also doesn’t believe in diverting or distracting a screaming kid. In her podcast, she says to just sit with your kid while they howl for as long as it takes. When someone said their kid could go for an hour, she said there was something wrong with the kid, not her advice. But I’ve seen my toddler run a tantrum down and be unsure how to move on. He appreciates my diversion so he can move on. If your kid can't change their channel, they aren't the problem. Remember, they're toddlers, they're not emotionally savvy. Isn't that usually her point? So why are we expecting them to "work through it" in this particular way without help? Plus, even adults divert and distract themselves. It's a legit mechanism. In fact, ruminating every emotion to exhaustion is associated with depression, not emotional health.
In summary, I think this is an overall really good book with good ideas and an empowering approach, but like all parenting books, you need to willfully ignore parts of it.
She outlines a very simple approach to establishing and maintaining boundaries with a toddler that essentially covers 80% of your discipline needs.
It’s written in a very inspiring way. It makes you believe that if you can only pull this off, your child will become some kind of perfect angel.
Note: she doesn’t actually promise that. She repeats that pushing boundaries is normal and trying new things is normal, and tantrums are normal, and all she’s saying is that when those behaviors cross a line (safety, your sanity), you should enforce the line immediately and firmly, and that you should emotionally disengage from the tantrum that inevitably ensues.
Lansbury has a very inspiring way of writing and speaking that defies the messiness of reality. Her podcast is fun to listen to, although there have been times I’ve found myself wondering if she’s talking in word soup or actually saying something. this is probably why she has a cult following, even though what she's saying isn't that enormous.
The techniques in this overlap largely with Love and Logic and the Montessori approach. I thought it was a little bit less hard-nosed than L&L; although she also doesn’t believe in giving second chances, she’s much more empathetic about it.
Okay the bad stuff:
Like all parenting books, there’s advice in there that made me roll my eyes. While I appreciate the respectful attitude of RIE, I think some of the details are misguided. Those details are largely absent from this book (which is about discipline, not childrearing) but not entirely. She takes a moment to disparage babywearing and talk up nursing, for example.
About the 20% of disciplinary needs that’s missing from this book: One of the things she doesn’t believe in is Time Out. I think TO is sometimes the only consequence in your arsenal, and moreover, sometimes if a kid is flipping out, TO gives them the quiet moment they need.
Also, in a situation where there’s no natural consequence and you can’t eliminate the temptation from a kid’s life, TO is a low-key consequence to behaviors you want to discourage. People describe it as telling a kid you don’t love them; I guess that depends how you pull it off. Telling a kid they need to step out to cool off isn't actually the same thing as saying "I don't love you when you're upset."
RIE and gentle parenting gurus say to do something that resembles TO but you remain present, which sounds great unless the conflict is between you and the kid and the kid is angry at you and your failure to give them space makes it all worse. Also, one thing you never hear: a toddler having a tantrum alone. Your very presence extends the tantrum length.
She also doesn’t believe in diverting or distracting a screaming kid. In her podcast, she says to just sit with your kid while they howl for as long as it takes. When someone said their kid could go for an hour, she said there was something wrong with the kid, not her advice. But I’ve seen my toddler run a tantrum down and be unsure how to move on. He appreciates my diversion so he can move on. If your kid can't change their channel, they aren't the problem. Remember, they're toddlers, they're not emotionally savvy. Isn't that usually her point? So why are we expecting them to "work through it" in this particular way without help? Plus, even adults divert and distract themselves. It's a legit mechanism. In fact, ruminating every emotion to exhaustion is associated with depression, not emotional health.
In summary, I think this is an overall really good book with good ideas and an empowering approach, but like all parenting books, you need to willfully ignore parts of it.
August 31, 2017
I found the advice here to be extremely useful as I try to balance being a loving dad who wants my son to be empowered and emotionally happy with my own sanity as he skillfully tests every last grain of patience and sanity in me.
At first I found reading the book to be disheartening as I thought, "I'm the worst parent in the world" for having punitive thoughts about addressing his behavior and sometimes acting on it by taking a toy of his away or speaking harshly. Then I realized more and more that there is no one who is a perfect parent. We all do our best and that there was a lot of stuff in there I was already doing.
The best piece of advice I found in the book was that you have to remind yourself over and over until it's drummed into your head as absolute truth: "Our children love, appreciate, and need us far more than they can ever say." Because so often it does not feel that way when they are tantrumming or acting out or dealing with lots of emotions they don't know how to handle. It's going to be my goal to make myself remember this before I address his behavior and from that place, I think things are going to be so much better.
Overall as a book, it's pretty light. Very short chapters, some of which are just a letter from a parent and her reply. You could probably get the same info from reading her blog.
At first I found reading the book to be disheartening as I thought, "I'm the worst parent in the world" for having punitive thoughts about addressing his behavior and sometimes acting on it by taking a toy of his away or speaking harshly. Then I realized more and more that there is no one who is a perfect parent. We all do our best and that there was a lot of stuff in there I was already doing.
The best piece of advice I found in the book was that you have to remind yourself over and over until it's drummed into your head as absolute truth: "Our children love, appreciate, and need us far more than they can ever say." Because so often it does not feel that way when they are tantrumming or acting out or dealing with lots of emotions they don't know how to handle. It's going to be my goal to make myself remember this before I address his behavior and from that place, I think things are going to be so much better.
Overall as a book, it's pretty light. Very short chapters, some of which are just a letter from a parent and her reply. You could probably get the same info from reading her blog.
November 20, 2019
Where’s the rest?
Okay. This is a great book on parenting. For real. I appreciate a lot of the strategies and even thought it could be beneficial for me to put some of the tips on my fridge so I can get some support when facing the meltdowns. BUT this book is missing a HUGE piece that is really where most parents struggle:
what happens after the “I can’t let you do that?” THIS is where like 99% of parents are losing their ish.
Let’s take the instance of getting dressed. Child refuses and then slaps you in face. You take his hands and says “I can’t let you hit me.” But you can’t just leave your child there half dressed. Close proximity and a task that takes both your hands usually means you get slapped in the face 10x more in the next two minutes. But there is zero guidance for that in this book. You might be able to acknowledge your child is tired or frustrated or just doesn’t like getting dressed, but there is no framework given for what to do after the initial boundary is set. What is clear from the book is that spanking, time outs, ignoring, redirection, or distraction aren’t good options. So, Janet, what exactly do you suggest. Let me know before I “slap” this book straight into the trash.
Okay. This is a great book on parenting. For real. I appreciate a lot of the strategies and even thought it could be beneficial for me to put some of the tips on my fridge so I can get some support when facing the meltdowns. BUT this book is missing a HUGE piece that is really where most parents struggle:
what happens after the “I can’t let you do that?” THIS is where like 99% of parents are losing their ish.
Let’s take the instance of getting dressed. Child refuses and then slaps you in face. You take his hands and says “I can’t let you hit me.” But you can’t just leave your child there half dressed. Close proximity and a task that takes both your hands usually means you get slapped in the face 10x more in the next two minutes. But there is zero guidance for that in this book. You might be able to acknowledge your child is tired or frustrated or just doesn’t like getting dressed, but there is no framework given for what to do after the initial boundary is set. What is clear from the book is that spanking, time outs, ignoring, redirection, or distraction aren’t good options. So, Janet, what exactly do you suggest. Let me know before I “slap” this book straight into the trash.
June 6, 2019
Autoarea ne oferă un ghid practic de parenting, extrem de util părinților, cu răspunsuri la situații concrete.
Cartea ne va ajuta să ne înțelegem copiii atunci când aceștia se poartă într-un fel total nepotrivit sau extrem de enervant pentru noi părinții (fac crize, ni se împotrivesc, plâng, se smiorcăie, ne sfidează, lovesc). În lumea adulților nu există copii răi, există copii mici cu emoții puternice.
Cartea asta a fost o adevărată revelație.
《Spuneti "da" emoțiilor. Mereu. Copiii au nevoie de libertate ca să-și exprime emoțiile cele mai profunde, intense, ciudate, revoltătoare sau aparent nepotrivite.
Emoțiile sunt profund conectate cu "sinele", așa că, începând de la naștere, copiii noștri au nevoie să știe că le vom auzi și accepta răbdători toate emoțiile și că vom face tot ce ne stă în puteri să le înțelegem. Provocarea este să nu înăbușim emoțiile copiilor (prin distragerea atenției, pedepse sau alte reacții care le invalidează) și, de asemenea, să nu lăsăm izbucnirile lor emoționale să aibă un impact prea mare asupra noastră - să ne auzim și să ne sprijinim copilul fără a-i absorbi stările.》
Cartea ne va ajuta să ne înțelegem copiii atunci când aceștia se poartă într-un fel total nepotrivit sau extrem de enervant pentru noi părinții (fac crize, ni se împotrivesc, plâng, se smiorcăie, ne sfidează, lovesc). În lumea adulților nu există copii răi, există copii mici cu emoții puternice.
Cartea asta a fost o adevărată revelație.
《Spuneti "da" emoțiilor. Mereu. Copiii au nevoie de libertate ca să-și exprime emoțiile cele mai profunde, intense, ciudate, revoltătoare sau aparent nepotrivite.
Emoțiile sunt profund conectate cu "sinele", așa că, începând de la naștere, copiii noștri au nevoie să știe că le vom auzi și accepta răbdători toate emoțiile și că vom face tot ce ne stă în puteri să le înțelegem. Provocarea este să nu înăbușim emoțiile copiilor (prin distragerea atenției, pedepse sau alte reacții care le invalidează) și, de asemenea, să nu lăsăm izbucnirile lor emoționale să aibă un impact prea mare asupra noastră - să ne auzim și să ne sprijinim copilul fără a-i absorbi stările.》
October 18, 2016
Some good ideas. Not super organized, somewhat judgy.
January 6, 2023
This book is a series of blog posts and letters that have been compiled for publication. That being the case, there is inconsistency among definitions and messages across chapters. While one blog post might sound nice standing alone, put it next to another that sends a completely different message, and you have a garbled mess.
Toddlers as Adults
Lansbury’s philosophy is based on RIE Parenting, which was founded by Magda Gerber, whom she almost exclusively quotes. This immediately struck me as flat; while celebrating her mentor’s incredible knowledge, she never thinks it worthwhile to explore other schools of thought or experts—Magda is the end-all-be-all. So, let’s start where they start:
“Babies are whole people — sentient, aware, intuitive and communicative. They are natural learners, explorers, and scientists able to test hypotheses, solve problems, and understand language and abstract ideas. - Magda Gerber.” (7) This starting point is what is behind the philosophy of treating toddlers like adults; Lansbury says that if we wouldn’t do or say xyz to an adult, we shouldn’t to a toddler. “‘Would I treat an adult this way?’ is a good gauge for ensuring respect for our child.” (29) While attempting to be in line with developmental cues, this foundational belief ignores all development theory; that there are stages of growth and development for humans, and that ‘adult’ is the last stage.
“Children are sensitive and impressionable” (19), but they are also so, so, so smart that they know our feelings before we do ourselves! “Toddlers are very conscious and aware, but their behavior isn’t.” (80) Except, we also need to “slow everything down” to give these mini-adults time to process our words and decide on their next action. (38) Would I talk slowly and simply to an adult, assuming they need several seconds to process a single sentence? No, I wouldn’t, because this would be rude and imply I think they’re stupid. Lansbury admits that we need to help our toddlers by providing action to back up our verbal directions and requests, since these are not enough by themselves “even when our children fully understand them.” (150) That sounds like an adult, doesn’t it?
In an odd example of her opinion trumping all others, Lansbury disagrees that children have shorter attention spans, without quoting any research or evidence to support her opinion, and in fact, saying so in contradiction to an article published by a university press, which she fails to cite! (43)
Parent in the Wrong
A major theme is that parents are always, and Lansbury does mean always, responsible for whatever the child does, feels, or says. Take chapter 2, in which her son hits another toddler. “Ah-ha. He’s tired” she thinks, and tells her son they will go soon. But then she gets distracted with conversation, and her son hits again. Her literal response: “Oops. Totally my fault.” (15) Instead of teaching her son responsibility for his actions and appropriate ways to communicate his needs (ie not hitting), she owns his behavior and gives him an excuse to continue it. In the next two pages, she gives an example of her daughter speaking rudely to grandma, and finding reason for it in the six hour road trip they had just taken. “Duh. My fault again.” (16) How is it her fault? They had to drive there. Was she not supposed to let her daughter see grandma until the next day? She continues, “counter to the example I shared about my daughter speaking rudely to Grandma, … my response would be far more minimal if a spark of rudeness was directed at me. Rather than react and risk creating a story around occasional whining, screaming “you’re stupid,” “I hate you,” etc., I would dis-empower those behaviors by allowing them to roll-l-l off my back.” (17; bold emphasis added) Somehow, it is consistent to stop your daughter from yelling insults at grandma (after all, it’s just a “spark”), but it is perfectly fine to allow them to continue when directed at the parent.
“A child is likely to behave more erratically whenever her parents are upset or stressed about anything, especially if her parents haven’t openly shared these feelings.” (19) Should a parent feel hurt or cry or show other vulnerable feelings, this could “cause an unhealthy sense of responsibility for (and, therefore, discomfort with) the vulnerable feelings of others.” (49) What if our child hurls insults at us? Don’t show your feelings, otherwise your child might learn responsibility for their words! We must guard against ever making our child feeling guilty, such as when they physically hurt us, as this could create a story in which they feel regret for their actions; “our vulnerability creates guilt and insecurity.” (71) We should never act “perky and upbeat” if we’re actually annoyed (42), yet we need to “project calm” in order for our children to release their feelings well. (54) It’s all on us.
We shouldn’t give up all our needs for our children’s happiness as this will make us resentful, and give our children an unrealistic expectation towards discipline and life. (26) But, in chapter 24, she rants against another parenting “expert” who she disagrees with about parents setting their own limits. Lansbury says parents need encouragement to stick up for themselves, permission to end the activity, and ideas for communicating their feelings: “I’m getting seriously tired,” and “I honestly couldn’t take it anymore” (123) — is this not causing guilt, creating a story, communicating rejection? Inconsistency abounds.
When another child strikes her mother after being told she can’t barge into the bathroom, Lansbury literally places the blame on the parent: it “probably wouldn’t have happened if she hadn’t sensed you were upset.” (92) But, even though our toddlers have a superhuman ability to pinpoint our true feelings whilst needing education and direction from us about their own, we need to “seemrelaxed” until our kid loses interest in misbehavior. (132) So what is it—fake it until you make it, or fail unless it’s real?
Every letter is either a success story, or is redefined to align with Lansbury’s worldview. The parent is having trouble? Their “unruffled” attitude must actually be passivity. (153) Lansbury also has the ability to deduce amazing details from one email, as she does in chapter 16. Parents who homemade baby food with organic ingredients are interpreted as giving her “la creme de la creme,” and this effort was amazingly picked up by their 1 year old who “responded beautifully and rewarded her parents’ efforts by eating with gusto.” (84-85; emphasis added) So, if they had fed her from a store-bought jar, she wouldn’t have noticed and wouldn’t have eaten as much? This kind of rewriting is consistent throughout Lansbury’s responses. She continues with some pretty bad advice about feeding the baby her own separate meal (86), which is widely rejected by behavioral food experts. Again, a weird situation where a normally happy toddler behaves erratically in class is interpreted as having “overpowering feelings stuck inside her that [needed release,] and RIE’s therapeutic ‘all feelings welcome’ environment” fixed everything (103). The problem with this? None of it is provable. It is simply Lansbury’s interpretations, which, naturally, will make out her and her methods in the best light possible.
Will Above All Else
Lansbury believes that toddlers must resist everything a parent asks or wants, and this is not only healthy behavior but ought to be encouraged. “There is a lack of recognition of the healthy need toddlers have to express their burgeoning will by resisting whatever their parents want, as well as their need to release intense feelings.” (154-155) “Testing, limit-pushing, defiance and resistance are healthy signs that our toddlers are developing independence and autonomy.” (65) Let’s apply this to an adult: if an adult with a job regularly defied her superiors, resisted directives, and stepped outside of her job delineations, would this be something to celebrate? You tell me.
Our children have better things to do than listen to or obey us, Lansbury argues. When a mother shares about her daughter being disruptive in mom/toddler classes by dancing, rolling, running, etc., instead of learning attention for the animator, self-control in sitting still, and social expectation in a class setting, Lansbury uses it as an example of “healthy, delightful instinct to learn … through play, exploration, and following inner-direction.” (51)
When it comes to a child telling an adult “no,” this is “a very healthy, positive word for your [child] to be experimenting with.” (58) Lansbury then suggests making a game of disobedience. Sound crazy? That’s exactly what Lansbury did with her daughter in the tub! “She got to experience the powerful feeling of going against my wishes.” (59; emphasis added) Defiance is apparently something to be celebrated! Is this how we would treat an adult?
“If we say ‘green,’ toddlers are almost required to say ‘blue,’ even if green is their favorite color, because if toddlers want what we want, they can’t assert themselves as individuals.” (65) What a demeaning, disheartening understanding of not just toddlers, but autonomy! “In the toddler code book, compliance means weakness.” (67) “Defiance is an almost automatic response, so when we say ‘yes,’ toddlers have an overpowering compulsion to say ’no.’” (91)
In another exciting example of Lansbury’s insight, a toddler’s desire to wear mom’s shoes to the car is arbitrarily ruled “not necessary for healthy experimentation.” Instead, Lansbury is able to unequivocally understand this child, whom she has never met and only has a second-hand account of, as truly “expressing [the need for] comfort of a parent’s leadership and limits.” (146) Somehow, in this instance, “the freedom to make everyone wait while they explore walking ‘as mommy does’ is indulging them with an uncomfortable amount of power.” (147) Versus, the bathtub “no” game?
I reject this premise just as I reject the American belief that teenagers need to engage in risky, unhealthy, illegal behavior in order to learn from mistakes and find themselves.
The N-word: “No”
Lansbury writes over and over about the word “no.” She argues that if you use the word less, it will carry more weight when the situation is dire enough to warrant it. We should use “no” sparingly because children are more inclined to listen when we don’t say it all the time (28); they “tune it out if we use it too much.” (125) Let’s think through this logic: language loses meaning when it isn’t backed up by action. Ergo, yelling the word “spaghetti” at intervals throughout the day will come to mean nothing, after the period of novelty has worn off for our toddler watching us spout a word and then carry on as if we had said nothing. What is so magical about “no?” It is the fact that Lansbury equates “no” with inaction. If she instead taught parents that “no” should be backed up by action, it would be as effective as any other word or explanation. She argues that “no” should be reserved for situations of safety, such as running into the street. (125) But if we only use “no” expecting our kids not to stop, and reserve it for extremely dangerous situations, why would they listen to us then?
But, with all the mixed messages on “no,” let’s close the book with a quote from the founding mother herself: “‘When you say ‘no,’ really mean it. Let your face and posture reflect ‘no’ as well.’ - Magda Gerber” (155) So…we are supposed to say no?
—
There are plenty of miscellaneous complaints I have as well, such as her Western-centric mindset and complete oblivion to the influence of culture. And then there was this judgmental, critical, and self-righteous paragraph written to a parent: “If you were a less empathetic, knowledgeable parent, you’d probably spank her or put her in time-out; but since you are respectful and enlightened…” (90; emphasis added) There’s nothing that quite does it like the claim of enlightenment.
Nuggets of truth exist, but they are not rooted in Lansbury’s parenting philosophy nor do you need this book, RIE, or Magda Gerber to learn them. There is objective research to show that modeling behavior helps a child learn regulation and appropriate social interaction. It is also not revolutionary to consider speaking in the first-person and being precise with your language to help a toddler understand you. I have read enough psychology and been exposed to enough childcare resources (foster care, adoption, trauma-based, etc.) to know that Lansbury is not qualified to be writing on these topics. In my estimation, this book is no different from any mom-blogger sharing her personal experiences and opinions to the saturated publication world of non-experts feeling special. If you’re looking for parenting advice, I advise reading someone who has completed peer-reviewed research, or performed experiments to test their hypotheses, or, at minimum, has a degree.
Toddlers as Adults
Lansbury’s philosophy is based on RIE Parenting, which was founded by Magda Gerber, whom she almost exclusively quotes. This immediately struck me as flat; while celebrating her mentor’s incredible knowledge, she never thinks it worthwhile to explore other schools of thought or experts—Magda is the end-all-be-all. So, let’s start where they start:
“Babies are whole people — sentient, aware, intuitive and communicative. They are natural learners, explorers, and scientists able to test hypotheses, solve problems, and understand language and abstract ideas. - Magda Gerber.” (7) This starting point is what is behind the philosophy of treating toddlers like adults; Lansbury says that if we wouldn’t do or say xyz to an adult, we shouldn’t to a toddler. “‘Would I treat an adult this way?’ is a good gauge for ensuring respect for our child.” (29) While attempting to be in line with developmental cues, this foundational belief ignores all development theory; that there are stages of growth and development for humans, and that ‘adult’ is the last stage.
“Children are sensitive and impressionable” (19), but they are also so, so, so smart that they know our feelings before we do ourselves! “Toddlers are very conscious and aware, but their behavior isn’t.” (80) Except, we also need to “slow everything down” to give these mini-adults time to process our words and decide on their next action. (38) Would I talk slowly and simply to an adult, assuming they need several seconds to process a single sentence? No, I wouldn’t, because this would be rude and imply I think they’re stupid. Lansbury admits that we need to help our toddlers by providing action to back up our verbal directions and requests, since these are not enough by themselves “even when our children fully understand them.” (150) That sounds like an adult, doesn’t it?
In an odd example of her opinion trumping all others, Lansbury disagrees that children have shorter attention spans, without quoting any research or evidence to support her opinion, and in fact, saying so in contradiction to an article published by a university press, which she fails to cite! (43)
Parent in the Wrong
A major theme is that parents are always, and Lansbury does mean always, responsible for whatever the child does, feels, or says. Take chapter 2, in which her son hits another toddler. “Ah-ha. He’s tired” she thinks, and tells her son they will go soon. But then she gets distracted with conversation, and her son hits again. Her literal response: “Oops. Totally my fault.” (15) Instead of teaching her son responsibility for his actions and appropriate ways to communicate his needs (ie not hitting), she owns his behavior and gives him an excuse to continue it. In the next two pages, she gives an example of her daughter speaking rudely to grandma, and finding reason for it in the six hour road trip they had just taken. “Duh. My fault again.” (16) How is it her fault? They had to drive there. Was she not supposed to let her daughter see grandma until the next day? She continues, “counter to the example I shared about my daughter speaking rudely to Grandma, … my response would be far more minimal if a spark of rudeness was directed at me. Rather than react and risk creating a story around occasional whining, screaming “you’re stupid,” “I hate you,” etc., I would dis-empower those behaviors by allowing them to roll-l-l off my back.” (17; bold emphasis added) Somehow, it is consistent to stop your daughter from yelling insults at grandma (after all, it’s just a “spark”), but it is perfectly fine to allow them to continue when directed at the parent.
“A child is likely to behave more erratically whenever her parents are upset or stressed about anything, especially if her parents haven’t openly shared these feelings.” (19) Should a parent feel hurt or cry or show other vulnerable feelings, this could “cause an unhealthy sense of responsibility for (and, therefore, discomfort with) the vulnerable feelings of others.” (49) What if our child hurls insults at us? Don’t show your feelings, otherwise your child might learn responsibility for their words! We must guard against ever making our child feeling guilty, such as when they physically hurt us, as this could create a story in which they feel regret for their actions; “our vulnerability creates guilt and insecurity.” (71) We should never act “perky and upbeat” if we’re actually annoyed (42), yet we need to “project calm” in order for our children to release their feelings well. (54) It’s all on us.
We shouldn’t give up all our needs for our children’s happiness as this will make us resentful, and give our children an unrealistic expectation towards discipline and life. (26) But, in chapter 24, she rants against another parenting “expert” who she disagrees with about parents setting their own limits. Lansbury says parents need encouragement to stick up for themselves, permission to end the activity, and ideas for communicating their feelings: “I’m getting seriously tired,” and “I honestly couldn’t take it anymore” (123) — is this not causing guilt, creating a story, communicating rejection? Inconsistency abounds.
When another child strikes her mother after being told she can’t barge into the bathroom, Lansbury literally places the blame on the parent: it “probably wouldn’t have happened if she hadn’t sensed you were upset.” (92) But, even though our toddlers have a superhuman ability to pinpoint our true feelings whilst needing education and direction from us about their own, we need to “seemrelaxed” until our kid loses interest in misbehavior. (132) So what is it—fake it until you make it, or fail unless it’s real?
Every letter is either a success story, or is redefined to align with Lansbury’s worldview. The parent is having trouble? Their “unruffled” attitude must actually be passivity. (153) Lansbury also has the ability to deduce amazing details from one email, as she does in chapter 16. Parents who homemade baby food with organic ingredients are interpreted as giving her “la creme de la creme,” and this effort was amazingly picked up by their 1 year old who “responded beautifully and rewarded her parents’ efforts by eating with gusto.” (84-85; emphasis added) So, if they had fed her from a store-bought jar, she wouldn’t have noticed and wouldn’t have eaten as much? This kind of rewriting is consistent throughout Lansbury’s responses. She continues with some pretty bad advice about feeding the baby her own separate meal (86), which is widely rejected by behavioral food experts. Again, a weird situation where a normally happy toddler behaves erratically in class is interpreted as having “overpowering feelings stuck inside her that [needed release,] and RIE’s therapeutic ‘all feelings welcome’ environment” fixed everything (103). The problem with this? None of it is provable. It is simply Lansbury’s interpretations, which, naturally, will make out her and her methods in the best light possible.
Will Above All Else
Lansbury believes that toddlers must resist everything a parent asks or wants, and this is not only healthy behavior but ought to be encouraged. “There is a lack of recognition of the healthy need toddlers have to express their burgeoning will by resisting whatever their parents want, as well as their need to release intense feelings.” (154-155) “Testing, limit-pushing, defiance and resistance are healthy signs that our toddlers are developing independence and autonomy.” (65) Let’s apply this to an adult: if an adult with a job regularly defied her superiors, resisted directives, and stepped outside of her job delineations, would this be something to celebrate? You tell me.
Our children have better things to do than listen to or obey us, Lansbury argues. When a mother shares about her daughter being disruptive in mom/toddler classes by dancing, rolling, running, etc., instead of learning attention for the animator, self-control in sitting still, and social expectation in a class setting, Lansbury uses it as an example of “healthy, delightful instinct to learn … through play, exploration, and following inner-direction.” (51)
When it comes to a child telling an adult “no,” this is “a very healthy, positive word for your [child] to be experimenting with.” (58) Lansbury then suggests making a game of disobedience. Sound crazy? That’s exactly what Lansbury did with her daughter in the tub! “She got to experience the powerful feeling of going against my wishes.” (59; emphasis added) Defiance is apparently something to be celebrated! Is this how we would treat an adult?
“If we say ‘green,’ toddlers are almost required to say ‘blue,’ even if green is their favorite color, because if toddlers want what we want, they can’t assert themselves as individuals.” (65) What a demeaning, disheartening understanding of not just toddlers, but autonomy! “In the toddler code book, compliance means weakness.” (67) “Defiance is an almost automatic response, so when we say ‘yes,’ toddlers have an overpowering compulsion to say ’no.’” (91)
In another exciting example of Lansbury’s insight, a toddler’s desire to wear mom’s shoes to the car is arbitrarily ruled “not necessary for healthy experimentation.” Instead, Lansbury is able to unequivocally understand this child, whom she has never met and only has a second-hand account of, as truly “expressing [the need for] comfort of a parent’s leadership and limits.” (146) Somehow, in this instance, “the freedom to make everyone wait while they explore walking ‘as mommy does’ is indulging them with an uncomfortable amount of power.” (147) Versus, the bathtub “no” game?
I reject this premise just as I reject the American belief that teenagers need to engage in risky, unhealthy, illegal behavior in order to learn from mistakes and find themselves.
The N-word: “No”
Lansbury writes over and over about the word “no.” She argues that if you use the word less, it will carry more weight when the situation is dire enough to warrant it. We should use “no” sparingly because children are more inclined to listen when we don’t say it all the time (28); they “tune it out if we use it too much.” (125) Let’s think through this logic: language loses meaning when it isn’t backed up by action. Ergo, yelling the word “spaghetti” at intervals throughout the day will come to mean nothing, after the period of novelty has worn off for our toddler watching us spout a word and then carry on as if we had said nothing. What is so magical about “no?” It is the fact that Lansbury equates “no” with inaction. If she instead taught parents that “no” should be backed up by action, it would be as effective as any other word or explanation. She argues that “no” should be reserved for situations of safety, such as running into the street. (125) But if we only use “no” expecting our kids not to stop, and reserve it for extremely dangerous situations, why would they listen to us then?
But, with all the mixed messages on “no,” let’s close the book with a quote from the founding mother herself: “‘When you say ‘no,’ really mean it. Let your face and posture reflect ‘no’ as well.’ - Magda Gerber” (155) So…we are supposed to say no?
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There are plenty of miscellaneous complaints I have as well, such as her Western-centric mindset and complete oblivion to the influence of culture. And then there was this judgmental, critical, and self-righteous paragraph written to a parent: “If you were a less empathetic, knowledgeable parent, you’d probably spank her or put her in time-out; but since you are respectful and enlightened…” (90; emphasis added) There’s nothing that quite does it like the claim of enlightenment.
Nuggets of truth exist, but they are not rooted in Lansbury’s parenting philosophy nor do you need this book, RIE, or Magda Gerber to learn them. There is objective research to show that modeling behavior helps a child learn regulation and appropriate social interaction. It is also not revolutionary to consider speaking in the first-person and being precise with your language to help a toddler understand you. I have read enough psychology and been exposed to enough childcare resources (foster care, adoption, trauma-based, etc.) to know that Lansbury is not qualified to be writing on these topics. In my estimation, this book is no different from any mom-blogger sharing her personal experiences and opinions to the saturated publication world of non-experts feeling special. If you’re looking for parenting advice, I advise reading someone who has completed peer-reviewed research, or performed experiments to test their hypotheses, or, at minimum, has a degree.
October 15, 2021
Apie šią knygą jau nemažai pasako tai, jog ji yra serijos "Pabučiuok mane" knygelė. Prieš keletą metų skaičiau vieną šios serijos knygą, kuri man paliko tikrai puikų įspūdį. Ir ši knyga man pasirodė naudinga bei informatyvi.
Šioje knygoje Janet Lansbury dalinasi patarimais, kurie yra pagrįsti kitų ekspertų atliktais tyrimais bei dvidešimties metų darbo su tėvais ir jų mažyliais patirtimi. Autorė apžvelgia tokias svarbias temas kaip : bausmės, bendradarbiavimas, ribų nustatymas, pykčio priepuoliai ir kita.
Galbūt kitiems atrodo, jog tokias knygas skaityti yra beprasmiška ir vaikus galima užauginti ir be knygų. Man atrodo, jog dažnu atveju knygos atsako į rūpimus klausimus ir padeda geriau suvokti vaiko tam tikrą elgesį. Paskutiniu metu, mano dukra nuolat išbando ribas ir kartais tampa tikrai nelengva išlikti pozityvia bei kantria asmenybe. Šios knygos dėka supratau, jog aš ne viena tokia, o daugybė tėvų susiduria su tokiomis pačiomis problemomis kaip ir aš. Perskaičiusi šią knygą jaučiuosi kur kas drąsiau ir keletą autorės aprašytų patarimų tikrai panaudosiu ir ateityje. Mano akimis, ši knyga buvo gana paprasta, bet tuo pačiu konkreti. Petskaičius ją papildomų klausimų man nekilo, tačiau pasirodė, jog ši knyga skirta labiau mažesnių vaikučių tėveliams. Sakyčiau, jog ji labiau tiktų 2-3 metų vaikų tėvams.
Dar viena puiki serijos "Pabučiuok mane" knyga.
Šioje knygoje Janet Lansbury dalinasi patarimais, kurie yra pagrįsti kitų ekspertų atliktais tyrimais bei dvidešimties metų darbo su tėvais ir jų mažyliais patirtimi. Autorė apžvelgia tokias svarbias temas kaip : bausmės, bendradarbiavimas, ribų nustatymas, pykčio priepuoliai ir kita.
Galbūt kitiems atrodo, jog tokias knygas skaityti yra beprasmiška ir vaikus galima užauginti ir be knygų. Man atrodo, jog dažnu atveju knygos atsako į rūpimus klausimus ir padeda geriau suvokti vaiko tam tikrą elgesį. Paskutiniu metu, mano dukra nuolat išbando ribas ir kartais tampa tikrai nelengva išlikti pozityvia bei kantria asmenybe. Šios knygos dėka supratau, jog aš ne viena tokia, o daugybė tėvų susiduria su tokiomis pačiomis problemomis kaip ir aš. Perskaičiusi šią knygą jaučiuosi kur kas drąsiau ir keletą autorės aprašytų patarimų tikrai panaudosiu ir ateityje. Mano akimis, ši knyga buvo gana paprasta, bet tuo pačiu konkreti. Petskaičius ją papildomų klausimų man nekilo, tačiau pasirodė, jog ši knyga skirta labiau mažesnių vaikučių tėveliams. Sakyčiau, jog ji labiau tiktų 2-3 metų vaikų tėvams.
Dar viena puiki serijos "Pabučiuok mane" knyga.
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