The Eden Express

by Mark Vonnegut

The Eden Express describes from the inside Mark Vonnegut’s experience in the late ’60s and early ’70s—a recent college grad; in love; living communally on a farm, with a famous and doting father, cherished dog, and prized jalopy—and then the nervous breakdowns in all their slow-motion intimacy, the taste of mortality and opportunity for humor they provided, and the grim despair they afforded as well. That he emerged to write this funny and true book and then moved on to find the meaningful life that for a while had seemed beyond reach is what ultimately happens in The Eden Express. But the real story here is that throughout his harrowing experience his sense of humor let him see the humanity of what he was going through, and his gift of language let him describe it in such a moving way that others could begin to imagine both its utter ordinariness as well as the madness we all share.

Genres: Nonfiction, Memoir, Psychology, Biography, Mental Health, Mental Illness, Autobiography

186 pages, Hardcover

First published January 1, 1975

About the author

Mark Twain Vonnegut is an American pediatrician and memoirist. He is the son of the late writer Kurt Vonnegut, Jr. and his first wife, Jane Cox. He is also the brother of Edith and Nanette Vonnegut. He described himself in the preface to his 1975 book as "a hippie, son of a counterculture hero, B.A. in religion, (with a) genetic disposition to schizophrenia."

Reviews

[Fergus, Weaver of Autistic Webs · Rating 4 out of 5]

There’s no recipe for a happy life. It’s just that in our one-inch-above-the-ground floating world - punchdrunk on whatever ego-trip we happen to find ourselves in - we think there is.

It’s a kind of Eden express.

And if we get really obstinate about how bulletproof our euphoria has now suddenly made us, we’re on Mark Vonnegut’s type of Eden express, mental illness. I caught that train too.

Where did we go wrong?

It’s like this:

The media make Brute reality unsustainable for long periods of time because it says life's gotta be fun. We're stuck, all spiritual quests now stillborn.

And (guess what?) our culture tells us the instant nirvana of whatever game or product we’ve bought into (and now can improve on) is ALWAYS readily available for our instant gratification. We’ll be anesthetized Instantly.

We CAN, in an ideal world so the ads say, be high 24/7!

OK - am I alone in wanting to be pleasantly anesthetized by whatever video channel I’m watching for an indefinite stretch of time?

Am I alone in finding myself, whenever it’s time for lights out, clutching my remote tightly just so I can watch just another minute of brainless pablum?

“Humankind cannot bear much reality.”

Now, go back to that brute naked reality I mentioned - the opposite of video la-la land...

What if you were Led (let’s say, by a Nietzschean disregard for basic self-care) to endure that Gorgon’s head of brute reality for far too long?

Mark did that, and so did I.

Well, in this book we’re told that suddenly - I’m not kidding - this nirvana of self-projected instant gratification will now be nonstop. It’s now the runaway Eden express. We're "weird."

The express labels us. You know the one with a loose caboose? Catch 22.

So mental illness is one way of hitting rock bottom. So’s addiction or any of a host of crutches when the fit hits the shan.

But we CAN wake up, as Mark’s famous mordant father Kurt made HIM wake up - and a program like the twelve steps can make the addict, just as a strict regimen of discipline can make a recovered former zombie like me and Mark, wake up one bright blue morning with a realization.

That realization may be like the one that hit me today:

“Look at THIS!

“I’m now IN CHARGE of my life.

“AND... I’m... I'm really LIVING it for a change. "

And ALL you had to do was slam that door that leads downstairs - to.your own Edenic Hell - SHUT. Then LOCK it.

So go ahead - turn OFF that crazy gizmo you’re watching...

And Wake Up to Your Life.

As it Really is.

[Ben · Rating 4 out of 5]

The Eden Express was written by Kurt Vonnegut's son Mark, and is a memoir of his struggles with schizophrenia, or his struggles with, what he once called, "apocalypse, shit storms, and eternal truths."

The first 70 pages of this 214 page book were pretty slow, and barely interesting. They mainly describe Mark's post graduate life, his relationship with his girlfriend, his deep involvement with the hippie community, and his creating a commune in British Columbia. The writing during this first third is mediocre, and it drags.

Then, shortly after getting settled into his dream and utopia on the commune MARK GOES CRAZY. And boy does it take off.

Finally, this is why I chose to read this book. This is where it gets interesting; this is where it becomes a head trip; this is where Mark's writing comes to life with a stream of consciousness entering us into Mark's paradigm bending, soul inflating, soul shattering, runaway ride into Hells Cosmos. Here, Mark doesn't just give us a glimpse, but a full-on immersion into his head. His head, his head, his crazy head; his brilliant head, his wild head. It's beyond conceivability, but he makes you understand. The heart pounding, the hypersensitivity, delusions, world ending panic, extreme paranoia, the suicide attempts, talking to the demon, his girlfriend is dead, his father is dead, everyone-is-dead-including-Mark, the conspiracies, naked runs of catch-me-if-you-can, lost sense of time, the transcendence and going beyond, breaking windows, blackouts, good versus evil, life or death for himself, life or death for the entire species -- all of it up to him, all of it in his head -- all of it articulated in an enlightening manner.

While Mark described his experience and what was going on in his head remarkably well, the most impressive and important trait of this memoir is its honesty. Mark gives a full-on, straight-up account of what happened, neither downplaying nor glorifying this fascinating but frightening disease. For Mark the early stages were mostly positive: transcendent feelings of enlightenment, an overwhelming sense of peace, an increased ability to inspire. He was Mark the "real life prophet guru." He was Mark "falling in love with everyone," and Mark in a "warm comfy womb with all his friends."

"I had attained enlightenment that made me above eating and sleeping"

The transition: "And then it dawned on me who I was. I was Curiosity. What a terrible thing to be; Curiosty at the dawn of time. I couldn't help myself, I knew I was going to fuck everything up."

"All the lonely, sick, unhappy people. The sky was crying. Everyone was dragging, stumbling through life. A fat girl went into the drugstore, a limping woman came out. Cars were choking along. The wind and rain slashed through everything, biting and cold, and here I was, safe inside the bus. I started crying."

To the horrific. Here, shortly after Mark's second schizophrenic onslaught, speaking of an individual he had not known long, who is rather in awe of him -- whom Mark refers to as "Fan", or, "Fan David" because he's a huge fan of Mark's father -- we see just how brutally honest Mark is about what happened to him. "Fan David's was the most persistent 'Far out, that's cool,' etc., I have ever run into. I remember how I finally shook him up. I went into the room where he was sleeping. He started up, per usual, being enthusiastic about how far out I was. His dog was lying next to his bed. I reached over and jacked his dog off. Fan got very upset. I guess everyone has a limit."

My reaction, looking back on the book, I think, is probably much like Mark's reaction when looking back on schizophrenia itself. Its images, perceptions, and profundities feel vague and just out of grasp. There was a wild wisdom that went along with him going crazy; a wisdom so far outside the box it's only partially fathomable by someone like me, who hasn't experienced it. The same goes for the terrifying, suicidal, out of control "shit storms" that Mark experienced. And so we are lucky that someone as talented as Mark was able to go back and retell -- relive, really -- his experience, giving us an idea of the boundaries that our minds are capable of, and where they can take us.

But by the end, Mark is clear: "I would much prefer death over life with my head in such desperately bad shape."

And yet..

"Even in the beginning there was some worry about me and even in the end there was some feeling that I was on to something very important and real."

[Laala Kashef Alghata · Rating 5 out of 5]

“I figured I had taken patience about as far as it could go and it didn’t seem to be working. Nothing good seemed to come out of it. It seemed the more patient I was, the more I had to be patient with.” — Mark Vonnegut, The Eden Express

I find that it’s hard to review books when you love them completely and want to buy copies for everyone you know. I end up just wanting to say read it read it read it — which probably isn’t very useful in a review.

Mark Vonnegut is Kurt Vonnegut’s son, but as that is irrelevant to his book, I will only mention it to say: Mark’s style is nothing like his father’s. It’s actually quite enthralling — it feels like he was influenced by the Beat movement in a good way, a great way. It has the immediacy of On The Road and scrutiny and poetry of Ginsberg’s Howl. He doesn’t really write like either of them, but the sense of urgency, of bewilderment and searching, links them in my mind.

“We only had vague ideas about the shape of these changes or when they would happen, but we looked forward to them eagerly. Since they would result from being free of the cities, of capitalism, racism, industrialism, they had to be for the better.”

The book is now thirty-five years old, but it’s as relevant as ever. As someone who is only a little younger than Vonnegut when the book begins, I can understand that deep need to find somewhere to belong untouched by your parents, or society — to find somewhere new, and claim it for your own.

“The truth is we didn’t really know what we wanted.”

But of course, for every one person who knows exactly what they want, there’s probably ten who are looking around, lost. I know where I want to end up, in an elastic sense, but I don’t want the intervening years to be a mere stepping stone. As we struggle, as we try to make sense of our surroundings, we are vulnerable to mental exhaustion, or breakdowns.

“I needed help, but still in the back of my mind was the feeling that I was crying wolf, that there was really nothing wrong. It would be terribly difficult for anyone to understand what was wrong because what was wrong was such a strange, elusive thing, the sort of thing it would be easy, almost logical to discount.”

I don’t want to over-identify with Vonnegut’s memoir because our experiences are entirely different, and his much more serious, both in illness and extent. He writes wonderfully and accurately about mental illness. As someone who is studying the field, I can attest that this happens few and far in between.

“In my more lucid moments I realised that insanity was a fairly reasonable explanation for what was happening to me. The problem was that it wasn’t useful information. Realising I was crazy didn’t make the crazy stuff stop happening. Nor did it give me any clues about what I should do next.”

Maybe the science is a little different, and mostly schizophrenia is dealt with differently, but it still hasn’t been “cured”, we still have real issues understanding whether it’s in a gene, whether the pills do anything to help, or whether most people with mild schizophrenia will recover within a set time frame anyway. This memoir was a really wonderful read as a supporting text for my studies, but even if you have nothing to do with psychology, I’d recommend it highly.

[Noelle Kukenas · Rating 5 out of 5]

Read this back in the '70s because the author is the son of one of my favorite authors, only to discover what a brilliant writer he is in his own right. While reading about his journey with schizophrenia, it felt like I had crawled into his mind and was experiencing everything he was experiencing. This a book that stays with you years after you had read it.

[Chris Dietzel · Rating 4 out of 5]

Prior to spotting this book, I had no idea Kurt Vonnegut (who I am in awe of) had a son who wrote nonfiction. This book turned out to be fascinating for two reasons. 1) It's the true account of the author's descent into madness (a complete schizophrenic breakdown and relapse) and, 2) Stories involving Kurt Vonnegut are abundant. In one example, Mark mentions that even as a child, there was something about his father which made him be sure Kurt would commit suicide. I can't imagine a child having that outlook about their father, and it forces you to look at some of Kurt's more somber and cynical books in a slightly different light. Both as an extension of learning about Kurt Vonnegut and for the account of Mark losing his mind, I really enjoyed this.

[Drake · Rating 2 out of 5]

The first 80 pages are about Mark setting up a commune with friends in Vancouver in the 60s. I was bored and waiting for the breakdown. Then, the breakdown came and I realized I waited for nothing. Mark's writing became rambling and disjointed, which is certainly true of a mental break but Its not enlightening or particularly interesting. At least not to me. I did not feel connected to him, engaged with him, and, frankly. I didn't care what was happening to him or his friends. I did not feel them as real characters in this memoir. I seem to be in the minority on this so take that into consideration.

[Danielle · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book was really hard for me to read and rate.
I say it was hard for me to read because I have had two people close to me go nuts.
All his ramblings reminded me so much of my friend's breakdown that I had to skip around because I couldn't take it.
It really brought back a lot of feelings I went through while trying to help my friend and family member.
It is not a fun or pleasant thing to go through for anyone, and if you read this and have no experience with a schizo, you may understand just a little better.
I suggest this book to anyone who has suffered any mental illness, anyone with loved ones with mental illness or Kurt Vonnegut fans. It's interesting to read about him from his sons perspective at the time.

[Eliza · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book brought me on an existential trip. I actually had to stop reading it for a couple of days because I was living in the book instead of real life. Perfect for someone making a big life change, especially if that includes travelling or moving somewhere else. Intriguing look at schizophrenia and mental illness and what role that played in the age of rampant psychadellic drug usage

[Cliff M · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book is a game of two halves…

One of the one-star reviews on Goodreads asks “Where were the editors?”. Where indeed. Rarely have I read a book with such a poor first half followed by an increasingly good second half. Yes, many books get better as they go on, but this is too stark, and I can see why many people do not finish the book.

In the first half, Mark recounts his life post-graduation from a liberal arts college, post receiving an inheritance, post the career of his famous-writer father going stratospheric, in which he and his girlfriend decide to ‘drop-out’ and set up a self-sufficient hippy community in British Columbia. However, readers will realise that Mark is a phoney. He hangs around with college drop-outs and uses the phrase a lot, but he and his girlfriend were careful to graduate before their experiment. Similarly, he lets people assume he takes drugs like LSD when in fact he doesn’t (which is a good thing). He also has the financial resources to cover the fact that they never really become self-sufficient. Sadly, he also expresses sympathy for mass murderer Charles Manson. By this stage it is clear that he lacks self-awareness to a huge degree, and is unaware that he is a privileged, entitled, white, upper-middle class, whiney brat who never takes responsibility for his actions or give thanks for his lucky position in society.

In the (much better) second half of the book he becomes mentally ill. His writing here becomes increasingly moving as fear sets in about something over which he feels he has no control. I had some doubts about the diagnosis he received at the time, and he addresses those same doubts in a post-script at the end.

Why the editors did not try and balance the book better, is beyond me. There are now many books on the lived experience of mental illness that are far better and more useful than this one, but as one of the earliest examples of the type I feel it remains a useful historical comment on the understanding of mental health in the 1970’s.

The narration on Audible is superb, btw.

[Joanne · Rating 5 out of 5]

For reasons so recent and personal, the 1975 book written by Dr. Mark Vonnegut (son of the famed writer, Kurt Vonnegut) “The Eden Express: A Memoir of Insanity” was difficult to read. Reading this memoir is to accompany Mark Vonnegut in reliving a ‘psychotic episode’ which began after he left college and attempted to set up a self-sufficient farm in British Colombia. Events unfold in unfailingly honest detail, whether Vonnegut is recounting his relationships with family, interaction with others on the farm, or feelings of fear, or awe, and hallucinations. As the book progresses, readers do not watch Vonnegut ‘go crazy’. Instead, it's as though it's to experience a milder version of his psychosis alongside him: unsure how quickly or slowly time is lapsing, unsure at times which events are real or imagined, and feeling his frustration.

For me, this book was perspective-changing & deepening. In terms of interacting with others who suffer from mental illness, it occurs to me that the only person who has the right to accept or reject ownership of feelings and actions is the person who experiences them: it is not okay for me to decide which parts of someone’s behavior are their own, which are ‘illness’ and which are the results of the chemicals they ingest. To do so would be for me to create a false version of them, cutting away the parts that make me uncomfortable. Though the Afterword (2002 edition) is very short, it was the part of this book that spoke to me the most, because it is testament to how quickly human understanding can change, and how necessary it can be to accept that change.

[Matt · Rating 3 out of 5]

I was drawn to this one because I'm a big Kurt Vonnegut fan; in his memoirs KV mentions his son Mark's struggle with, and subsequent recovery from, schizophrenia in the early '70's. This tale is as tough as it is interesting, because MV does a great job of setting the scene for his breakdown: he left college and joined the hippie movement, hoping to start a commune in Canada, only to see his idealism come to an end in a mental hospital. As he relates his thoughts and actions during the times that he was insane (most of which he can remember) it's extremely uncomfortable to read. Let's face it, it's very troubling to face the possibility of losing our identities to what amounts to a chemical imbalance. Thankfully there's a happy ending.

Kurt Vonnegut fans will appreciate hearing the "other side" of personal and family events that have been told in some of KV's most prominent works. As fascinating as this one is, I think most people will need to read it in small doses, as the inside view of insanity (which comprises about 2/3 of the book) is mentally exhausting. It absolutely increased my sympathy for anyone suffering from mental illness.

[Seth · Rating 1 out of 5]

This book lacks any literary merit. It is about a young man's descent into schizophrenia and his ultimate pharmacological treatment. While this is a worthwhile topic, I was very disappointed in the quality of the writing. In addition, I was put off by the gratuitous slight the author aimed at his girlfriend at the end. He mentions that it was more difficult for him to leave his favorite pet than part ways with her. (He was mad that she slept with someone else. Very petty, considering how she visited him at the psychiatric hospital and worked hard helping him adjust to life on the outside).



How bad is the writing? Here is the description of how the author, a self-described "hippie" living in a commune in British Columbia during the war in Vietnam, felt after taking a rare shower: "Clean, clean, clean. Feeling good, good, good. Clean me, clean clothes." This hardly lives up to the standards one might expect from a Vonnegut.



Of personal interest to me was the author's extensive commentary on his experience as a religion major at Swarthmore in the 1960s. He says that Swarthmore had essentially two majors: engineering and "Swarthmore." As he elaborates, psychology majors at this small college took the same or similar classes as sociology or religion majors. I once considered accepting an offer of admission there because the school was known for intellectual rigor, but reading this book offered me some much-delayed therapy. For other readers who don't have any particular interest in this school, the Swarthmore focus might grate on the nerves.



I understand that later in life, the author, by now a physician and a graduate of Harvard Medical School, wrote a much better book on the same subject. Thank goodness for that!

[Tom Schulte · Rating 4 out of 5]

One of my favorite biographies; an era, a family, a unique life!

The book charted Mark's descent into schizophrenia. He was twice committed by his father. During this time of his breakdowns he was living in a hippie commune he helped found. While it is not the total point of the book, Mark does see some benefit in his internment in returning him to sanity. He even goes through a few paragraphs attacking some negative misconceptions on shock therapy, which he apparently views indifferently.

Just prior to each breakdown in the book, Mark was trying to reach out to people. His girlfriend was gone, his father to successful to be reached...

This really puts a different spin on Kurt Vonnegut, Jr. and makes him one of the many artists where I separate my love for the art from any appreciation for the man!

[britt_brooke · Rating 4 out of 5]

“Knowing that you’re crazy doesn’t make the crazy things stop happening.”

This memoir chronicles Mark Vonnegut’s life living on a hippie commune farm in Canada; his battle and recovery from schizophrenic breaks. Much like his father, Mark is a talented and engaging writer. This story is open, uninhibited, and kind of bonkers.

[Susan (aka Just My Op) · Rating 4 out of 5]

3 1/2 stars. This memoir of one man's descent into schizophrenia, as it was diagnosed then, was first published in 1975, and republished in 2002. I had never read it, and am getting a copy of Just Like Someone Without Mental Illness Only More So: A Memoir by the same author, so wanted to read the original before I read the followup.

Mark was an idealistic, just-out-of-college hippie who thought starting a commune in British Columbia was a great idea. He was just trying to do the best he knew how in a world as confusing to him as it was to so many in the early 70s. As he said in the preface to the first edition:

If I had had a well-defined role in a stable culture, it might have been far simpler to sort things out. For a hippie, son of a counterculture hero, B. A. in religion, genetic biochemical disposition to schizophrenia, setting up a commune in the wilds of British Columbia, things tended to run together.

His journey, his wild ride was sometimes hard to distinguish from the behavior of other hippies of the time. Idealistic, spiritual in that very 1970s way, not very practical but very sincere. And then he hit bottom where his behavior could no longer be given a free pass.

The book is quite interesting, as much for viewing how mental illness was perceived and treated then as it is for Dr. Vonnegut's story. Occasionally, it was hard for me to separate reality from his delusional perceptions, but that just made me see that, from his point of view, there was no difference. Occasionally the book moved too slowly or too quickly for me, but again, so did his perception of time. Overall, I found it to be a very worthwhile read.

[Antoinette · Rating 5 out of 5]

It seems sometimes that there is a direct relationship between how hard I try to be a good person and how sad I get about the world. Mark Vonnegut became insane chasing a lot of the feelings I sometimes get caught up in. During the 1960s he is very involved in being a "good hippie" (his words, not mine). His quest to be unselfish and rational leads him down a frightening path of insanity, and eventually recovery. This is an amazing memoir, and I'm very glad I read it. I related so much to his feelings about fidelity and love. Of feeling that it is ridiculous to care about who put what where and when, but still having feelings of betrayal and ownership over a person. He met so many interesting and compassionate souls and bonded deeply with nature, but his chemistry still made him sort of an unstable time bomb. I'm very glad he was able to recover enough to write this book. There was just so much about it that was absolutely perfect, and I'll never forget the experience. So many of his thoughts have earned a place in my mind, but I'll leave you with a favorite:
“Having their feelings make sense is how people get their kicks. It's regrets that make painful memories. When I was crazy I did everything just right.”

[Mariam · Rating 4 out of 5]

I'd describe this book as a "heavy" read. Heavy mostly due to the emotional roller coaster that comes in, the Eden Express might be able to make you relate to or at least truly empathize with what people who have schizophrenia go through....

Sometimes it was hard for me to read and relate to the hippiedom that he was describing, so the reading was a bit slow at the start, but reading further in the book, i wished i had cherished that part more because it got stressful fast (but difficult to put it down).

I read this book primarily to understand an ex roommate of mine, who, i suspect, had paranoid schizophrenia. A pleasant side effect was also me learning how to cope with a mood disorder. Me having depression and anxiety, which, along with schizophrenia, are considered mood disorders, I gained insight as to how to cope and manage them.

Overall a wonderful, honest treasure and an insightful read.

[Noam Heller · Rating 4 out of 5]

One of the most captivating memoirs I've read!
I was completely hooked, moment to moment.
I imagined the farm, his friends, how the atmosphere went from awe-inspiring to downright terrifying.
On the one hand, "losing it" in a hippielike, open-minded environment always seemed to me like a relatively soft landing as you spiral into madness. But sometimes the over tolerance to your bizarre behavior is a cause for more chaos. So it was interesting to see how despite the patience and acceptance within the farm, he still desperately needed professional help.

Thankfully I've never been through a psychotic episode but I think anyone who has experimented with drugs and can account for a "bad trip" will be able to somewhat relate to that dread and terror and fear and confusion.

[Travis · Rating 5 out of 5]

i would add this to the list of books i should have read years ago. While i have not lived the experiences of the writer, much of the material-- theory, visions and perspectives-- parallels much of what has been resident in my head since leaving college. I would recommend this tale to anyone who has ever felt driven to insanity by the world we face daily, or to those who have wanted to change or save the world, or to people who do not want or cannot blend with the herd or who have seen the apocalypse and can't just grin and bear it.

[Kristin]

Holy moley. Could this man write like his father - but in an entirely opposite style. If you are from BC, you will especially like this, as it takes place on a commune near Powell River, and in Vancouver. I wrote "could" because his recent memoir is an utter disappointment. This is a speeding mind at its most intense. If you've ever felt overwhelmed, read this and know that you are far from overwhelmed.

[Adriana Paramo · Rating 5 out of 5]

At various points it felt as though it was me who was losing it.

[John · Rating 4 out of 5]

fascinating look beyond the walls of sanity, a self-portrait from a gifted writer

[Meg McCarthy · Rating 3 out of 5]

This is by far the most heartbreakingly accurate depiction of psychosis I’ve ever read. The author writes as he would have if he wrote the book while actively experiencing symptoms of psychosis which makes for an intense and educational read. I really appreciated that and value what the author did.

That being said - I didn’t love the overall writing style and structure of the memoir. Also, there were several times that outdated and offensive language was used (e.g., the n word and the r slur) which is just unacceptable. The book was originally published a long time ago, but the author did a re-release in 2002 and could easily have done another re-release if he cared about the language he chose to use. Further, in the 2002 re-release he discusses why he hasn’t updated some of his information about new research in the areas of treatment for schizophrenia. I understand why he hasn’t updated those sections and agree with his rationale but in his rationale he says the ONLY sentence of the book that he wishes he could change was a sentence involving vitamin treatment. But you don’t want to change using the n word and the r slur??? Disappointing the book is still being sold with that kind of language.

[Ana Santos · Rating 5 out of 5]

I read this book in the depths of my own battles with bipolar and psychosis, and the impact it had on my life was profound. I will forever be grateful for the representation Mark provided here. Your illness does not define you, your struggles do not perscribe your potential, and most of all, recovery is possible.

[Leon Stevens · Rating 3 out of 5]

I admit, the only reason I picked this up was the name. Reading the back told me it was about the mental disorder that Kurt Vonnegut's son went through in the late 60s, early 70s.

Was it a well written book? I can't say it was. Parts were disjointed, but knowing Mark's condition at the time made it manageable. Since it was written 50 year ago, there are a few terms that we wouldn't use for people suffering from a mental illness, and the diagnoses and treatment are questionable by today's standards.

It was an interesting story of a man leaving home to find oneself, only to suffer from from a mental illness that takes his hopes and dreams away.

[Philemon - · Rating 3 out of 5]

https://www.goodreads.com/review/edit...#

[Kelly · Rating 3 out of 5]

I have lots of conflicted feelings and thoughts about this book which I'll attempt to string together... An eagerness to devour every word of this 'crazy' journey. Fascination at how rapidly things have changed and dismay at how little things have changed in regards to diagnosis, stigma, medication, and wellness/illness binaries. Grim nodding at vulnerability, fraught morality, 'never enough/always too much' extremes and the gut wrenching effects of illness on the fault lines and limitations of loving support networks. Respect for the raw, literal hell of unravelling and unbecoming into sheer dependence and fragile existence. Hot tears of recognition and fast tears at the brutal unfairness and insidiousness of mental illness.

It was an interesting, frustrating read for me, as the subject matter, writing, and fast brain whirring style drew me in but was disrupted by moments of extreme dislike for the author's mix of mocking self important irony. This tension lead me to distance myself from the book at times...still trying to put a finger on what I found so distasteful...probably condescending comments about women, oppression etc. In fairness the author readily admits his own faults and need to play hero, as well as the intensity of the hippie track he was on. But it was hard for me to avoid thinking about how white upper middle class male privileged positively affected Mark's access to care/help, and additionally how this affected perceptions of recovery and wellness not afforded to others. Yet his bio on the back reads "Having being seriously mentally ill, he [Mark] is grateful for opportunities to be useful." This broke my heart and seemed to me to cement this book as intended for a mentally ill audience, or those whose lives have been entangled in mental illness. For so many of us, our illnesses have rendered us temporarily or chronically sidelined from society and in constant fear of hurtling back down the rabbit hole towards incompetence and despair. The earnestness of wanting to be useful and stable really hit home.

Deep sigh.

Also a heads up that there are lengthy vivid accounts of extreme psychosis that I found so upsetting I had to pause the book a few times. If you've ever experienced bad trips, hallucinations, dissociation, paranoia, extreme anxiety, extreme mood swings --- there is certainly triggering content in here, so do take care. While I never fully warmed to the memoirist, (and realized how badly I need to prioritize reading books by women!) I found myself unsurprisingly empathetic to someone writing about their first hand experiences with serious mental illness.

This passage stood out to share. It comes after the first hospitalization and is one of the closest mirrors to my own thoughts on surviving. To me it really captures that feeling of disorientation and hanging on. That heart-shattering, naive desperation of clinging on trying to make sure everyone has their head above water when it's clear you're drowning. No one wanting to name the disaster for fear of summoning it into existence. Hoping one day to be whole. Not being able to tackle the severity of it for fear of falling apart. Adjusting to chaos and being indebted to those who walk through it with you....

"In a funny way it's almost fun, having everything so fucked up and managing to adjust. I guess you might say I'm proud. Proud of me, proud of my friends for managing to deal with this thing so well. For most people this would be the end of the world. They'd panic, their friends would panic, Things would get trampled in the stampede. But we've kept our heads, made necessary allowances, and can just ride things thing out. I'm pretty much just putting in time waiting for this cloud to blow over. Waiting for something to come along to make some sense out of all this. Killing time, waiting for something to come along to make some sense out of all this. Killing time, waiting for some sort of cavalry to come over the hill. There's really not an awful lot I can do but wait. As long as there's no panic, we can hold out damn near forever."

[joni white · Rating 4 out of 5]

I really do believe that fully understanding mental illness must start with understanding what it’s like to live with one. Mark starts a hippie commune in the 60s/70s in British Columbia. Following which, he experiences massive life changes (his long term girlfriend (Virginia) cheating on him, his father becoming famous, his parents splitting) - life changes are important risk factors for mental illness. He extensively describes his experience suddenly experiencing psychosis as his (at the time diagnosed) schizophrenia evolves, and we begin to understand what it’s like to be unable to distinguish reality/hallucinations. He describes his experiences believing that his father had committed suicide and Virginia, whom he was still in love with, had died in an earthquake - both of which he believed he had caused, and neither of which actually happened. As the reader, we’re often led to believe in his incorrect perspectives, helping us to further empathise with such terrifying symptoms.

Mark also explores the role drugs played - in his life as a hippie, and in his mental illness. The present research suggests that while schizophrenia is likely associated with several genetic factors, environmental aspects including drugs may be the ultimate trigger that allow the illness to develop - though this is not fully understood. Mark’s more recent afterword in the newest edition suggests he may have been wrongly diagnosed with schizophrenia, believing he may instead have a different mood disorder - highlighting again that we really don’t know enough about mental illness.

While at times this book can drag on a bit, it is incredibly insightful, and a truly important work. It covers some very challenging & triggering topics including suicide, but these are important aspects of many mental illnesses. Schizophrenic communities (in addition to many mentally ill people) experience a shockingly high proportion of suicide.

I recommend this book for several reasons: 1. To empathise with hard-to-understand mental illnesses including schizophrenia, 2. If you have experienced mental illness yourself or have someone close to you with mental illness, Mark really underlines that schizophrenia is curable and possible to overcome with the correct treatment. Mark is now a paediatrician after going to Harvard Medical School (AFTER his experience with schizophrenia- if that’s not inspirational I don’t know what is), 3. Kurt Vonnegut (his father) is a very famous author and I love to gain insight into famous peoples’ lives, 4. Mark’s writing is very interesting and he has a powerful narrative voice, no doubt inherited from his father and his impressive education, 5. We are all likely to either experience mental illness or know someone who is affected by it. The more that we discuss these topics, the more we can reduce the stigma, hopefully increase awareness and encourage the development of better treatments.

I tossed up between 3 stars and 4, but the importance of this work as a voice from someone who experienced mental illness and then recovered, is irreplaceable and poignant, so gained the extra star for me. It can be heartbreaking and many topics are very difficult to swallow, but omitting them would not give the complete sense of schizophrenia (or any mental illness for that matter). This book isn’t meant to be an easy, light-hearted read, so don’t go into it expecting as much. I did this as an audiobook and really felt that the narrator Pete Cross did an excellent job. 4⭐️

[Adam Floridia · Rating 4 out of 5]

Pre-Reading: I'm pretty sure I do own just about everything related to Vonnegut, but for whatever reason, until now owning this and letting it sit on my shelf was enough (I've got the "sequel" too). Maybe I was unconsciously saving this for the right moment, and just maybe that moment is now. Not only am I dealing with my own mental health "stuff," but I have been having some trouble with this whole "life in general" thing. For well over a decade now, I have repeatedly told people "You can learn everything you need to know about life by reading the novels of Kurt Vonnegut." Recently it finally hit me that I should probably take my own advice and re-read all of his novels (in order). When I went to grab Player Piano (yes, I also own it under its original and much lesser known title Utopia-14), I saw THIS book. It certainly seems like the right time, so I'm actually starting my re-reading-of-Vonnegut journey with something new!

Post-Reading: I am thoroughly surprised by how much I enjoyed this. Part of it is definitely just the unrealistic escape fantasy of quitting society and moving out into the middle of the woods in Canada; Mark did that. Some of it is the mystical experiences and ego death associated with drugs/schizophrenia/both; Mark did this. Some of it is wrestling with the big ideas of meaning and purpose both in daily life and lifespan; Mark does this. A little of it is the complete embracing of the Romantic, connecting with nature, truly appreciating the beauty in the world, and feeling completely content and present in the moment; Mark experienced this.

Then there's all the stuff that Mark experienced that I would never, ever, ever want to experience: near starvation, suicide attempts, electroshock, utter loss of control of both mind and body, terrifying visions, and, more than likely, all of the general hardships that would come from living out that Romantic escape fantasy.

Mark does an excellent job of sharing all facets of his experience. The mental health stuff is fascinating, but even without that the story of starting a hippie commune in British Columbia is enough in itself. I really can see recommending this book to just about anyone: Vonnegut fans, definitely mental health professionals, those suffering from mental health issues, and people who enjoy interesting memoirs.

Some favorite quotes:
-"I think a big part of getting there is just realizing that everything you need is right where you are" (122).

-"The idea of purpose cracks me up" (114).

[Matthew Steffan · Rating 4 out of 5]

super interesting memoir of mental illness and his experiences with insanity. he’s very vivid in his writing but his style can be slight cumbersome at points which kinda counts against him.

the novelty of the book definitely earns him some credit. i will probably never read a book like this again. plus he’s the son of kurt vonnegut and my high school friends dad. so funny perspective