✰ 4 stars ✰
“You saw me without seeing me. You touched me without touching me. If something good comes after this, I’ll see you there.”
To be fair, I had completely forgotten how much of the plot had already been revealed in Roland Rogers Isn't Dead Yet's blurb; but I am so glad that I did. 😌 For when one hit wonder writer, forty-year-old Adam Gallagher arrived at actor fifty-year-old Roland Roger's mansion to serve as his ghost writer for his memoir, I was as shocked as Adam was to discover that Roland wasn't quite there - in the literal sense Well, I guess it would be difficult for anyone - especially, when you're dead. 😥
Or, is he??
And that really then set the tone for my reaction to the rest of the book; how much of everything was an unexpected surprise that I enjoyed reading it. It is a supernatural romcom - in the strangest of senses, but I could not stop reading. This was a special kind of story for how different it felt for me. 🥺 Yes, it does read like a romcom, but underneath there was so much more to it. These were two beings who have faced their fair share of fame and hurt - that they are on opposite sides of the business, but somehow are tethered to one another in how much they have both been affected by the other in their lives. 🤍🤍
“Secrets can’t be buried, only covered, and even then, you can still see their shape, like felled logs in the snow.”
As an ex-Mormon and a writer, Adam has not had it easy. With his debut novel that was more personal than he would care to admit, he enjoyed a fair level of stardom till the decline in his popularity led to a string of literary failures that had his agent wishing that he could represent someone else. So, imagine his surprise when THE Roland Rogers wants him to ghost write his memoir - speculations are definitely going to be drawn as to why that may be when he is literally a nobody and Roland Rogers, 'one of the biggest stars on the planet' is everybody's SOMEBODY - the object of desire for men and women alike - the casanova of action films - the ogle of his deepest desires of his fantasies. 'rom-coms, legal thrillers, crime dramas. He could make almost anything watchable: even if a script was mediocre, or the direction subpar, he lifted the material through the sheer force of his presence.' Adam was a really honest protagonist - I felt for him a lot - for his shortcomings, his misgivings, his intense need to forgive and forget how much of being a Mormon affected his growing up - how he lost a part of himself to respect his faith, until it eventually gave up on him. 🥺
It's not asking for forgiveness or acceptance - it's just this quiet but hopeful dream to have a chance to speak the truth that paved its way into my heart that 'out of all the authors in the world, he picked a gay ex-Mormon who had fifteen minutes of fame over a decade ago, and who has been languishing in obscurity ever since.' Roland really comes off as someone you would not want to be around; I don't blame Adam for being regularly annoyed by him and his refusal to open up - to the point that he is deliberately wasting the one month that he has allotted himself to write his story. But, even the prickliest of thorns have soft edges and when Roland starts to see the good in Adam - at how they are viscerally linked in the oddest of ways, he gives Adam a part of himself that no one has yet seen - 'there are lonely queer kids out there whose lives his story could save.'. 😞 Through their arguments and their quiet confessions, he pours out himself to Adam, and you can see there's more to him than just the flashy actor on the screen. There's a man yearning to share his heart - speak his mind - if only, unto death he has the chance to give it - would Adam deny him that chance? 😟
Or is it death that awaits him???
“We’re not ghostwriter and subject right now, we’re two men who want different lives than the ones we got.”
It was not love at first sight, haha - as if it could even be possible - but something that gradually built up. It was a cathartic feeling, one that they were able to touch each other so deeply with their honesty and understanding. That Roland helped Adam forgive that part of him that he had convinced himself for so long that he was deserving of the rejection his family and friends showed him. 'It is a rare opening to talk about his feelings, but I’m having too many of my own.' ❤️🩹❤️🩹 This relatable trust that built up in such a believable way that I was rooting for another surprise - one that could make me a believer that miracles can happen. Because it is ever-present in both their hearts that what would happen to them if this bizarre setup faded - would everything they have learned about each other change - would anyone believe - is it worth sharing his life story. These questions motivated them to make the most of the time that they had, as well as motivated me to keep reading. 👍🏻👍🏻
There was something very special and innately unique about this book that really appealed to me. As I started reading it, I liked how easy it was to read. 🤌🏻🤌🏻 I realize now I'm a rather finicky reader and somehow, the writing style of the author appealed to me. Upon Adam's arrival at Roland's mansion, the two of them strike up a very unique friendship - one where it begins with first earning the other's trust, proving that what is happening is very much real, and then onwards - sharing and exchanging the deeper darker parts of themselves - ones that maybe might not make it to the memoir - might be even cathartic for Adam's own personal writings - and yet, something that inadvertently aided them both in the struggles they were both facing. 💌
“People aren’t calculators and the ideologies we live under aren’t equations; we’re ruled by formless, fleshy impulses: hunger and hurt, pride and anger, lust and guilt.
My book didn’t acknowledge that messiness; Roland’s can.”
The writing was such a strange mix of humor and seriousness that actually appealed to me. The weirdly erotic dreams with Hollywood celebrities that while absurdly ludicrously written - perfectly aided the overall vibe of the story. It was --- refreshing and original and just surprised me at how much I actually enjoyed it. There were a few loose ends and unexpected arrivals that I could have lived without, but in hindsight, they tied the whole plot together. 😔 Adam and Roland's banter was funny and snarky, albeit at times strangely quirky with how they acted upon their inhibitions and desires, but it was layered with such a sincere, but heavy tone that was palpable from both of them. 'We have what we have, Adam,” Roland says, striking a wistful note. “But these last few weeks with you, as strange as they’ve been, are the least alone I’ve ever felt.' 🥹🥹 The dark closets and inner demons that they had to coax out of each other in that short time was handled well - be it their sexual awakening or religious struggles, it made for a very personal and intimate read that when I was nearing the end, I didn't know how either of them would be ready to say good-by to the other. 😢
The ending was a leap of faith - in the most literal and beautiful in the sense that tears escaped me. The way the author led up to that scene - comically and maybe a bit too unrealistically, but I cried - 'I sob on that step harder than I’ve ever sobbed.' 😭 I cried at Adam's determination - the regret over losing something so precious, despite Roland's reassurances - his inability to save the thing that he had finally found - love. Love - because they had both found love - so late in their lives - at the oddest of times - it is a reminder that you are not alone - no matter what stage you are in life. Adam was so determined to keep it for as long as he could, even if it meant holding Roland back - from letting his secret be taken with him to the grave... or would it be? It was such a heartbreaking culmination of their love story - of how they had discovered what it meant to be themselves - that no one would question who they were or judge them for who they loved - that they finally felt accepted. Adam reacted in the way that his heart felt right - a leap that I would have accompanied with him, wholeheartedly. 🫶🏻🫶🏻
In her Author's Note, Samantha Allen states, 'I keep trying to write normal books and they keep turning out weird.' It was, indeed, weird, but it was also a very enjoyable and memorable story, one that made me experience a whirlwind of emotions over the story that you breathed to life. It was a surprise from the start and it surprised me even more at how much it made me feel. Thank you for giving me the chance to read this strange and unlikely romance that somehow just felt right. 🙏🏻🙏🏻
*Thank you to Edelweiss for a DRC in exchange for an honest review.