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The Ugly Wife Is a Treasure at Home: True Stories of Love and Marriage in Communist China
“The ugly wife is a treasure at home” is not just an idle expression in China. For centuries, Chinese marriage involved matchmakers, child brides, dowries, and concubines, until the People’s Republic of China was established by Mao Zedong and his Communist Party in 1949. Initially encouraging citizens to reject traditional arranged marriages and instead wed for love, the party soon spurned “the sin of putting love first,” fearful that romantic love would distract good Communists from selflessly carrying out the State’s agenda. Under Mao the party established the power to approve or reject proposed marriages, dictate where couples would live, and even determine if spouses would live together. By the 1960s and 1970s romantic love became a counterrevolutionary act punishable by “struggle sessions” or even imprisonment. The importance of Chinese sons, however, did not wane during Mao’s thirty-year regime. As such, in a world where nobody spoke of love, 99 percent of young women still married.
The Ugly Wife Is a Treasure at Home draws the reader into the world of love in Communist China through the personal memories of those who endured the Cultural Revolution and the generations that followed. This collection of intimate and remarkable stories gives readers a rare view of Chinese history, social customs, and Communism from the perspective of today’s ordinary citizens.
The Ugly Wife Is a Treasure at Home draws the reader into the world of love in Communist China through the personal memories of those who endured the Cultural Revolution and the generations that followed. This collection of intimate and remarkable stories gives readers a rare view of Chinese history, social customs, and Communism from the perspective of today’s ordinary citizens.
288 pages, Paperback
First published August 1, 2014
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Displaying 1 - 8 of 8 reviews
January 31, 2021
This book is quite an ambitious project and I commend Melissa Margaret Schneider (MMS) for taking it on while living in China. As I reflect on each of the stories, I thought Riley’s experience of living as a lesbian in China was heartbreaking. I especially enjoyed reading the 1990s chapter in order to contrast my experience with love and relationships with other millennials and older Gen Zers. It was just so interesting to learn about romantic love (or lack thereof), relationships, and marriage in China throughout the communist and Cultural revolutions and into the present.
There were, of course, some areas where the book could have been improved. MMS is a white, US American woman who moved to China after getting married. She’s a couples therapist but she’s obviously not an anthropologist or sociologist, which detracted from the stories. The fact that she wasn’t Chinese, didn’t speak the language and wasn’t trained in the areas mentioned above meant that she hadn’t developed the relationships and trust necessary to encourage her subjects to open up to her more. As a result, the stories felt shallow. I’m sure that some of this can be blamed on the fact that many of her interviewees didn’t feel comfortable talking about love, sex, and marriage to begin with. However, it is very likely that her status as an outsider stifled some of the honest conversations that she could have had in different circumstances.
There were, of course, some areas where the book could have been improved. MMS is a white, US American woman who moved to China after getting married. She’s a couples therapist but she’s obviously not an anthropologist or sociologist, which detracted from the stories. The fact that she wasn’t Chinese, didn’t speak the language and wasn’t trained in the areas mentioned above meant that she hadn’t developed the relationships and trust necessary to encourage her subjects to open up to her more. As a result, the stories felt shallow. I’m sure that some of this can be blamed on the fact that many of her interviewees didn’t feel comfortable talking about love, sex, and marriage to begin with. However, it is very likely that her status as an outsider stifled some of the honest conversations that she could have had in different circumstances.
March 1, 2018
I found many of these stories deeply touching. I was also fascinated with the introspective quality that came from these interviews. The conclusion wasn't very good though , and I would have skipped it or redone it. If I were to read this book again, I don't think I'd bother to read the conclusion.
August 17, 2014
Very personal, touching, and at times raw stories of love and marriage across four decades in China—a fascinating read!
In China, duty has long trumped feelings, and happiness as a concept typically does not register as it does in America where people prize their right to the pursuit of happiness. The West has become accustomed to a society infused and perfused with notions of romance and sex continually streaming from the media and entertainment industry. So presentism can make it nearly impossible to conceive of living in a culture devoid of talk, literature, and images about dating, finding soul mates, and forming fulfilling marital bonds.
In this gem of a first book by Melissa Margaret Schneider, these vast differences come alive through 27 fascinating, very personal and sometimes raw stories. Based on one-on-one interviews during Schneider’s recent years of living in Shenzhen, these vignettes allow both men and women to describe their individual path to meeting, dating, having sex with, marrying, and sometimes divorcing their significant other or spouse. They not only reveal much about familial and societal constraints, but also share many aspects of China’s all-pervasive government directives and pressures.
The stories are arranged by decades, and each section opens with an overview that includes both a historical backdrop and cultural setting. In this way, each generation, from those born in the 1950’s through those entering the world in the 1990s, tells love and marriage stories in the context of its coming-of-age years.
Perhaps many readers will learn the difference between baby-managed marriages and baby-raise wives as well as what an Iron rice bowl job is and how parents use public marriage boards to this day. People from the West might be most struck by the freedoms they enjoy and even more, the opportunities they have experienced to think and dream about love. On the other hand, many Chinese men and women might well see themselves in one or more of these stories where marriage was viewed through the years as a necessity for procreation, and in-laws were to be revered over the spouse.
This book contains a timeline of China’s recent history, which provides a handy reference. It is an enlightening read on the evolution of love and marriage in China and will undoubtedly stimulate a great deal of comparisons and soul-searching about how cultures allow people to make life choices.
In China, duty has long trumped feelings, and happiness as a concept typically does not register as it does in America where people prize their right to the pursuit of happiness. The West has become accustomed to a society infused and perfused with notions of romance and sex continually streaming from the media and entertainment industry. So presentism can make it nearly impossible to conceive of living in a culture devoid of talk, literature, and images about dating, finding soul mates, and forming fulfilling marital bonds.
In this gem of a first book by Melissa Margaret Schneider, these vast differences come alive through 27 fascinating, very personal and sometimes raw stories. Based on one-on-one interviews during Schneider’s recent years of living in Shenzhen, these vignettes allow both men and women to describe their individual path to meeting, dating, having sex with, marrying, and sometimes divorcing their significant other or spouse. They not only reveal much about familial and societal constraints, but also share many aspects of China’s all-pervasive government directives and pressures.
The stories are arranged by decades, and each section opens with an overview that includes both a historical backdrop and cultural setting. In this way, each generation, from those born in the 1950’s through those entering the world in the 1990s, tells love and marriage stories in the context of its coming-of-age years.
Perhaps many readers will learn the difference between baby-managed marriages and baby-raise wives as well as what an Iron rice bowl job is and how parents use public marriage boards to this day. People from the West might be most struck by the freedoms they enjoy and even more, the opportunities they have experienced to think and dream about love. On the other hand, many Chinese men and women might well see themselves in one or more of these stories where marriage was viewed through the years as a necessity for procreation, and in-laws were to be revered over the spouse.
This book contains a timeline of China’s recent history, which provides a handy reference. It is an enlightening read on the evolution of love and marriage in China and will undoubtedly stimulate a great deal of comparisons and soul-searching about how cultures allow people to make life choices.
August 13, 2014
I loved this book. In this unique blend of personal stories, interviews, historical and political context, and the author’s thoughtful observations, “The Ugly Wife is a Treasure at Home” gives the readers a rare, intimate, and privileged glimpse into the lives and hearts of Chinese men and women born in each decade since the establishment of Communist China. These storytellers bravely share their experiences of love, marriage, loss, longing, and so much more…Some of the stories are heart-warming, others heart-wrenching – either way, I got swept away and couldn’t put this book down. I highly recommend this to anyone interested in Chinese history and culture, stories of love and loss, and the dynamics of marriage and family and what makes it work.
August 27, 2016
A comprehensive book about stories of love and marriage in Communist China. What I like about it are the stories that are in this book as it covers many different aspects of love and marriage (love, dating, having an affair, same-sex marriage). Moreover, it's good to see how the author has stories that traces through the experiences of love and marriage in different generations in the account. Having said that, it would be interesting to see the government point of view on this matter. Nevertheless, this book is definitely a good read.
November 28, 2015
Extremely acccurate account of Chinese society - though quite solemn at times, the inferiority of parenthood, the sexist arranged marriages and the generations telling their own stories. Very much worth a read. Don't know why the title is has got the word "Communist" in though, but I guess it is an American or even just Western thing in general to emphasize very much on the Communist side of things. But I guess nowadays, the pressure comes from the parents way more than the party.
June 14, 2016
I did not enjoy this as much as I had thought I would. I read about it about a year ago in a review and put it on my to read list. Even though I did not find it as interesting as I hoped. It did give me a lot of inside to the attitudes of a culture vastly different from mine. Learning leads to understanding and that is always a good thing.
October 3, 2014
Great book Melissa. As someone who has been there, it was still very eye opening to hear all of the stories. What you and Linda compiled was a great cross section of the current Chinese reality.
Displaying 1 - 8 of 8 reviews