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Modern Friendship: How to Nurture Our Most Valued Connections
From the “New York Times friendship correspondent,” a definitive step-by-step guide to understanding the fundamental mechanics of friendship
Modern friendships can be painfully ambiguous. But they don’t have to be. Journalist Anna Goldfarb has your back. “It’s understandable if your friendships are floundering. You’re up against historically new forces that we, as a culture, have no precedent for navigating,” she says. With Modern Friendship, Anna shares a manual for understanding what is pushing our friendships to the brink and provides actionable advice for forming authentic, enduring connections today.
It’s never been easier to shed friendships, which is precisely why we need a new approach to keeping them strong. Anna argues that we need to update our approach to friendships in a way that accounts for the hyper-fluid society we live in. The key to forming a lasting bond is what Anna calls “Wholehearted Friendship”—proven strategies to enhance enthusiastic connection.
Blending keen insights, cutting-edge social research, and intuitive practical tools, she invites you to
• Why modern friendships are so ambiguous—and how to get clarity
• How desire influences friend selection, why friendships fail, and how to hone your friendship intuition
• Mattering to others—establishing boundaries, being flexible, having fun, and setting up your friendships for success
• Tools for the tough times—exercises, prompts, scripts, and advice on keeping friendships active even when life gets hectic
• Practicing Wholehearted Friendship—how to be caring, curious, appreciative, and supportive to a friend in any situation
• Trying a 14-day Friendship Cleanse—two weeks of actionable advice to clarify your wishes in friendship and strengthen your connections, both old and new
Grasping the mechanics of friendships will liberate you from the prison of self-doubt. “Your friendships are precious. They’re vital. They matter. So let’s understand, cultivate, and harness their incredible power,” says Anna. With Modern Friendship, you’ll discover how to be a more self-assured and empowered friend to the most meaningful people in your life. Let Anna show you how.
Modern friendships can be painfully ambiguous. But they don’t have to be. Journalist Anna Goldfarb has your back. “It’s understandable if your friendships are floundering. You’re up against historically new forces that we, as a culture, have no precedent for navigating,” she says. With Modern Friendship, Anna shares a manual for understanding what is pushing our friendships to the brink and provides actionable advice for forming authentic, enduring connections today.
It’s never been easier to shed friendships, which is precisely why we need a new approach to keeping them strong. Anna argues that we need to update our approach to friendships in a way that accounts for the hyper-fluid society we live in. The key to forming a lasting bond is what Anna calls “Wholehearted Friendship”—proven strategies to enhance enthusiastic connection.
Blending keen insights, cutting-edge social research, and intuitive practical tools, she invites you to
• Why modern friendships are so ambiguous—and how to get clarity
• How desire influences friend selection, why friendships fail, and how to hone your friendship intuition
• Mattering to others—establishing boundaries, being flexible, having fun, and setting up your friendships for success
• Tools for the tough times—exercises, prompts, scripts, and advice on keeping friendships active even when life gets hectic
• Practicing Wholehearted Friendship—how to be caring, curious, appreciative, and supportive to a friend in any situation
• Trying a 14-day Friendship Cleanse—two weeks of actionable advice to clarify your wishes in friendship and strengthen your connections, both old and new
Grasping the mechanics of friendships will liberate you from the prison of self-doubt. “Your friendships are precious. They’re vital. They matter. So let’s understand, cultivate, and harness their incredible power,” says Anna. With Modern Friendship, you’ll discover how to be a more self-assured and empowered friend to the most meaningful people in your life. Let Anna show you how.
279 pages, Kindle Edition
Published June 4, 2024
181 people are currently reading
5098 people want to read
About the author
Anna Goldfarb
3 books61 followersAnna Goldfarb is a journalist, author and speaker. Her work explores the nuances of friendships, relationships, and pop psychology. She has reported for outlets including The New York Times, The Atlantic, TIME, Vice, The Cut, Vox, and The Washington Post.
She earned her undergraduate degree in sociology from Barnard College, Columbia University and a master’s degree in journalism from Temple University.
She writes the Substack newsletter, Friendship Explained, where she demystifies friendship mechanics through a pop culture lens.
She earned her undergraduate degree in sociology from Barnard College, Columbia University and a master’s degree in journalism from Temple University.
She writes the Substack newsletter, Friendship Explained, where she demystifies friendship mechanics through a pop culture lens.
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 151 reviews
June 7, 2024
Thank you to #NetGalley for an advanced copy of this book in exchange for an honest review! This book publishes in June 4, 2024.
What to expect in this book:
-Tangible, practical advice
-Research and evidence based practices
-Exercises to increase confidence in friendship
-Anecdotes and experiences
-Empathy and compassion
Thoughts
As a mental health therapist, I speak with individuals about adult friendships daily. We are not formally educated or even sometimes informally taught how to navigate friendships from a young age, so when we become adult and life gets much more complicated and busy, it is even more of a challenge to prioritize and manage connection with others, connections we so desperately need. This book was such a complete breath of fresh air. This book is the perfect manifesto to WHY we need friends, HOW to go about acquiring and keeping friends, and HOW to be a better friend ourselves. I do not think I have ever highlighted a book so much in my life. I kept nodding, feeling so encouraged and seen as I read through the pages thinking about how beneficial this will be for all readers, not just women.
There are millions of books on romantic relationships and marriage, but I not nearly as much produced on platonic relationships. We need to know how to nurture these connections and more importantly, how to operate as friends ourselves. In such a digital age where everything and everyone is vying for our time and attention, it is easy to lose track of what is important. Anna's honesty and vulnerability shine in this work as she relates her own stories and friendship struggles, outlining how to reframe and rework our past mistakes (and maybe current!) to benefit our future selves. This book felt like getting coffee with a friend. It was so tender but so poignant as well. I already know that I will be recommending this book to all of my own friends and clients as well.
One of the most human things that we can do is to let other people in and to let ourselves be seen. I am so grateful that this author did this for us and has invited us to do the same as readers and as friends ourselves. I highly suggest this book to all readers, even those who are not normally non-fiction readers. It is an easy read and not one you have to be a scholar for (like some self-help books can be!). I am so grateful I received an advance copy of this! Be on the lookout for this in June.
What to expect in this book:
-Tangible, practical advice
-Research and evidence based practices
-Exercises to increase confidence in friendship
-Anecdotes and experiences
-Empathy and compassion
Thoughts
As a mental health therapist, I speak with individuals about adult friendships daily. We are not formally educated or even sometimes informally taught how to navigate friendships from a young age, so when we become adult and life gets much more complicated and busy, it is even more of a challenge to prioritize and manage connection with others, connections we so desperately need. This book was such a complete breath of fresh air. This book is the perfect manifesto to WHY we need friends, HOW to go about acquiring and keeping friends, and HOW to be a better friend ourselves. I do not think I have ever highlighted a book so much in my life. I kept nodding, feeling so encouraged and seen as I read through the pages thinking about how beneficial this will be for all readers, not just women.
There are millions of books on romantic relationships and marriage, but I not nearly as much produced on platonic relationships. We need to know how to nurture these connections and more importantly, how to operate as friends ourselves. In such a digital age where everything and everyone is vying for our time and attention, it is easy to lose track of what is important. Anna's honesty and vulnerability shine in this work as she relates her own stories and friendship struggles, outlining how to reframe and rework our past mistakes (and maybe current!) to benefit our future selves. This book felt like getting coffee with a friend. It was so tender but so poignant as well. I already know that I will be recommending this book to all of my own friends and clients as well.
One of the most human things that we can do is to let other people in and to let ourselves be seen. I am so grateful that this author did this for us and has invited us to do the same as readers and as friends ourselves. I highly suggest this book to all readers, even those who are not normally non-fiction readers. It is an easy read and not one you have to be a scholar for (like some self-help books can be!). I am so grateful I received an advance copy of this! Be on the lookout for this in June.
June 26, 2024
I'm having a hard time considering this book objectively and I don't know if 3 stars is fair. However, I found this to be repetitive and the advice boils down to 'be more empathetic and considerate', which is certainly great advice but I didn't really need a book for that. The exercises and first-person examples/situations were interesting though I don't know that I will personally be remembering or using them. I'm not much of a workbook or therapy homework kind of girly!
I think this would have likely been more useful to me as a teenager or early 20 something, but at this point in my life I feel like I've learned the lessons this book had to teach. Now if someone could point me in the direction of the friendship book written by an 80+ year old....
I think this would have likely been more useful to me as a teenager or early 20 something, but at this point in my life I feel like I've learned the lessons this book had to teach. Now if someone could point me in the direction of the friendship book written by an 80+ year old....
June 18, 2025
2025 Reread: I've read at least a dozen books on friendship and this is the most practical, the one with the most doable lists, scripts, and suggestions.
----------------------------
I am not sure the last time I read something I have wanted to put into more hands when I finished. This is an excellent book on friendship. It explains the current setting and the difficulties people face creating meaningful connections. There is research and theory, all carefully documented for those wanting to dig further. Which is great. Super helpful. Even more helpful though, are the practical suggestions for next steps. It is all well and good to understand the challenges to modern friendship, but most of us already have a general idea of the problems. We experience them every day. Anna Goldfarb tells us what to do about them. This book is part investigative journalism and part workbook. There are probing questions to ask yourself. And concrete lists of things to do: scripts to practice and use, goal setting exercises, even a 14-day friendship cleanse! Thank you to the author, Sounds True, and NetGalley for the eARC.
If you find yourself struggling to create and maintain the friendships you crave, Modern Friendship is a life-giving guide to help you understand the challenges and craft solutions that are practical, doable, and actually work.
----------------------------
I am not sure the last time I read something I have wanted to put into more hands when I finished. This is an excellent book on friendship. It explains the current setting and the difficulties people face creating meaningful connections. There is research and theory, all carefully documented for those wanting to dig further. Which is great. Super helpful. Even more helpful though, are the practical suggestions for next steps. It is all well and good to understand the challenges to modern friendship, but most of us already have a general idea of the problems. We experience them every day. Anna Goldfarb tells us what to do about them. This book is part investigative journalism and part workbook. There are probing questions to ask yourself. And concrete lists of things to do: scripts to practice and use, goal setting exercises, even a 14-day friendship cleanse! Thank you to the author, Sounds True, and NetGalley for the eARC.
If you find yourself struggling to create and maintain the friendships you crave, Modern Friendship is a life-giving guide to help you understand the challenges and craft solutions that are practical, doable, and actually work.
February 12, 2025
Everyone clap for friendship book!
——
Short Review
I think this is great read for anyone trying to navigate relationships (of any kind) in adulthood. One of the biggest takeaways I got from reading is that friendship is really just showing up honestly with each other, being flexible, and enjoying each others presence. In particular, I liked her framework for thinking about 1. the different levels of friendship 2. Identifying a purpose for your friendships 3. Advice on how to reject / propose plans successfully!
———
Expanded Review
You know, everyone, including myself talks about the importance of empathy in friendships but I reallyy appreciate how the author makes us think deeply about other, overlooked aspects.
1. For example: “showing up honestly” is more than just telling the truth. It often looks more like being brave enough to be truthful with yourself AND your friend. Truthful about the priority of a particular friendship, truthful about your expectations of this friend, and truthful whether this friendship is still as close/important to you as it once was 5 years ago etc.
2. Don’t take things personally, be flexible! and not just in a “I have to compromise on what I want” way! Tbh I can be a little dramatic sometimes when I notice a friendship fading. However, while the book phrases flexibility as accepting distance that may form in friendships it ALSO frames it as being open minded to the fact that this friendship may grow in intimacy again, later in life.
I have like 12 additional thoughts but I think that’s it for here!
——
Short Review
I think this is great read for anyone trying to navigate relationships (of any kind) in adulthood. One of the biggest takeaways I got from reading is that friendship is really just showing up honestly with each other, being flexible, and enjoying each others presence. In particular, I liked her framework for thinking about 1. the different levels of friendship 2. Identifying a purpose for your friendships 3. Advice on how to reject / propose plans successfully!
———
Expanded Review
You know, everyone, including myself talks about the importance of empathy in friendships but I reallyy appreciate how the author makes us think deeply about other, overlooked aspects.
1. For example: “showing up honestly” is more than just telling the truth. It often looks more like being brave enough to be truthful with yourself AND your friend. Truthful about the priority of a particular friendship, truthful about your expectations of this friend, and truthful whether this friendship is still as close/important to you as it once was 5 years ago etc.
2. Don’t take things personally, be flexible! and not just in a “I have to compromise on what I want” way! Tbh I can be a little dramatic sometimes when I notice a friendship fading. However, while the book phrases flexibility as accepting distance that may form in friendships it ALSO frames it as being open minded to the fact that this friendship may grow in intimacy again, later in life.
I have like 12 additional thoughts but I think that’s it for here!
October 2, 2024
Ketika bingung usia 30an ngerasa lingkaran pertemanannya makin kecil, aku dipertemukan buku bagus ini 🥹
As introver yang punya "dunia"-nya sendiri, aku nggak besar dengan "geng" atau sirkel pertemanan ala AADC. Ya pokoknya nggak ada yang nempel terus kayak di film-film lah. Dan itu yang bikin aku bingung menavigasi kehidupan sosialku. Terutama ketika mengalami Friendship Break Up.
"Apakah ini artinya aku bakal kesepian & nggak punya teman sampai akhir hayat?"
Oke, sorry, agak berlebihan. Tapi itu sempat terbersit di kepalaku.
Di saat juggling berusaha bisa work-life balance di dunia yang kapitalis ini, rupanya ya memang nggak mungkin punya banyak teman. The best thing that I can do is, mengasuh silaturhami sesuai dengan porsi masing-masing
Di buku ini, Anna Goldfarb ngasih tau kalau hidup di perkotaan yang serba cepat & sat-set harus mengorbankan prioritas. Itu termasuk dalam memilih lingkaran pertemanan.
Nggak cuma itu. Kehidupan urban + usia 30an juga bikin kita memaknai tujuan pertemanan secara berbeda. Betulkah hanya sekadar "teman" atau ada transaksi mutualisme di baliknya? Semuanya sah-sah aja asal kita dan siapapun "teman" itu sama-sama tahu.
Buku ini enak banget buat dibaca. Babnya pendek-pendek dengan banyak kalimat yang bisa di-highlight.
Anna Goldfarb bukan sekadar nulis aja. Dia juga kasih beberapa hasil riset dan tips untuk menavigasi kehidupan pertemanan kita. Seenggaknya, ada harapan yang baru setelah mengalami friendship break up lah ya 🥹
As introver yang punya "dunia"-nya sendiri, aku nggak besar dengan "geng" atau sirkel pertemanan ala AADC. Ya pokoknya nggak ada yang nempel terus kayak di film-film lah. Dan itu yang bikin aku bingung menavigasi kehidupan sosialku. Terutama ketika mengalami Friendship Break Up.
"Apakah ini artinya aku bakal kesepian & nggak punya teman sampai akhir hayat?"
Oke, sorry, agak berlebihan. Tapi itu sempat terbersit di kepalaku.
Di saat juggling berusaha bisa work-life balance di dunia yang kapitalis ini, rupanya ya memang nggak mungkin punya banyak teman. The best thing that I can do is, mengasuh silaturhami sesuai dengan porsi masing-masing
Di buku ini, Anna Goldfarb ngasih tau kalau hidup di perkotaan yang serba cepat & sat-set harus mengorbankan prioritas. Itu termasuk dalam memilih lingkaran pertemanan.
Nggak cuma itu. Kehidupan urban + usia 30an juga bikin kita memaknai tujuan pertemanan secara berbeda. Betulkah hanya sekadar "teman" atau ada transaksi mutualisme di baliknya? Semuanya sah-sah aja asal kita dan siapapun "teman" itu sama-sama tahu.
Buku ini enak banget buat dibaca. Babnya pendek-pendek dengan banyak kalimat yang bisa di-highlight.
Anna Goldfarb bukan sekadar nulis aja. Dia juga kasih beberapa hasil riset dan tips untuk menavigasi kehidupan pertemanan kita. Seenggaknya, ada harapan yang baru setelah mengalami friendship break up lah ya 🥹
February 9, 2024
"Modern Friendship" by Anna Goldfarb stands out as an invaluable resource in the realm of self-help literature. Goldfarb delves into the complexities of sustaining friendships in today's digital era, shedding light on the challenges posed by the internet in nurturing relationships. Rather than leaving readers feeling hopeless about forming deep bonds, Goldfarb provides actionable advice on preserving intimate friendships as well as those with acquaintances. Moreover, she imparts essential skills on becoming an effective communicator and a supportive friend, ensuring readers are equipped to be there for their friends in the most meaningful ways. Thank
you NetGalley and Sounds True for sending this book for review consideration. All opinions are my own.
you NetGalley and Sounds True for sending this book for review consideration. All opinions are my own.
September 25, 2024
Great concept, I’m not a fan of the execution. I don’t think the author had any formal training or expertise on the topic. Also the audio book had a lot of errors like the narrator messing up and starting over that should have been edited out. Some interesting points but I would have preferred more science and psychological research to structure and support claims.
August 24, 2024
I hoped this book would be more insightful. I want to improve my social network and strengthen my close relationships. As an introvert working from home, it's harder for me to be social and I end up spending most of my time with my partner, which is comfortable but limiting.
The book mostly covers basic advice on being a good friend—show up, remember things, make an effort—which is all pretty obvious. There's also quite a bit on why friendships lapse, and how to deal with that. The advice was essentially that it happens to everyone for a bunch of normal reasons and don't take it too personally. Sometimes the friendship can be maintained through/after periods of distance and sometimes it can't and that's just life. Again - nothing groundbreaking here.
Also, caveat - I didn't do any of the reflection exercises. I didn't realize it was going to be a workbook and didn't care think very hard about it. I guess you get what you give. Like friendship!
The book mostly covers basic advice on being a good friend—show up, remember things, make an effort—which is all pretty obvious. There's also quite a bit on why friendships lapse, and how to deal with that. The advice was essentially that it happens to everyone for a bunch of normal reasons and don't take it too personally. Sometimes the friendship can be maintained through/after periods of distance and sometimes it can't and that's just life. Again - nothing groundbreaking here.
Also, caveat - I didn't do any of the reflection exercises. I didn't realize it was going to be a workbook and didn't care think very hard about it. I guess you get what you give. Like friendship!
August 12, 2024
Scattered pieces of valuable insights but for the most part, this was difficult to get through. Felt like the classic example of a book that could’ve been a long form article. Maybe the workbook activities are helpful for some, but that’s not my kind of thing.
Separately, I found the authors personal friendship stories to be rather cringy as well. They came across as selfish, high maintenance, overly analytical, and included what I assume is revisionist history. A high percentage of these stories left me feeling like the author is indeed the bad friend here; the advice included isn’t something I’d recommend my daughters follow.
Separately, I found the authors personal friendship stories to be rather cringy as well. They came across as selfish, high maintenance, overly analytical, and included what I assume is revisionist history. A high percentage of these stories left me feeling like the author is indeed the bad friend here; the advice included isn’t something I’d recommend my daughters follow.
May 6, 2025
I read this book for a book club and I have been happily surprised by how much I learned from it! Anna is very thorough and uses fun analogies and real life examples to help the reader understand the ins and outs of adult friendships. It gave me a lot of peace of mind about past and current friendships and how to navigate them. The bathtub/jacuzzi/swimming pool analogy will stay with me forever!
Anna also joined one of our book club meetings and she was DELIGHTFUL! So kind and fun!
Anna also joined one of our book club meetings and she was DELIGHTFUL! So kind and fun!
April 21, 2024
Where do I begin with this book? I love a good book about some of the most important and interesting relationships in our lives. I’ve read a lot on romantic and familial relationships, but friendship, that's the foundation of it all, that’s what life’s made of. Friendship teaches us so much and makes our lives so vibrant.
I was fortunate enough to be surrounded by friends that supported my reflective and activity journey through this book. In fact, very early on in the book, I sent a quote to some friends that I miss and it immediately resulted in such lovely conversation and emotion but also actual plans to catch up instead of just saying we should.
I appreciated the activities throughout this book, especially after having recently read and worked through Ury’s How to Not Die Alone and the Gottman Institute's The Love Prescription.
I'm looking forward to continuing to be more intentional with the relationships in my life. If you’ve been looking for a sign to reach out to someone, here’s your sign to do it, make it intentional, and don’t be offended if the answer is no. Try again later or try with someone else. We’re all human seeking our own kinds of connection.
I was fortunate enough to be surrounded by friends that supported my reflective and activity journey through this book. In fact, very early on in the book, I sent a quote to some friends that I miss and it immediately resulted in such lovely conversation and emotion but also actual plans to catch up instead of just saying we should.
I appreciated the activities throughout this book, especially after having recently read and worked through Ury’s How to Not Die Alone and the Gottman Institute's The Love Prescription.
I'm looking forward to continuing to be more intentional with the relationships in my life. If you’ve been looking for a sign to reach out to someone, here’s your sign to do it, make it intentional, and don’t be offended if the answer is no. Try again later or try with someone else. We’re all human seeking our own kinds of connection.
Read
July 14, 2025„Ľudia si často skúšajú hľadať priateľov s tým, že si povedia: ‚Chcem mať okolo seba ľudí, ktorí ma budú sprevádzať pri mojich dobrodružstvách.‘ Priateľstvo si však vyžaduje veľmi odlišné uvažovanie. Musíte sa zamyslieť nad tým, koho obdivujete do takej miery, že to vy chcete byť súčasťou jeho dobrodružstva,“ povedala mi v rozhovore Anna Goldfarb.
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September 18, 2025
3.5, rounding up because I've already been making some (small) tangible steps to be a better friend, and it just made me feel grateful for the good people in my life. I picked this one up because I'm in a new season of life, and trying to figure out what friendship looks like for me here. It gave me a lot of good angles to consider about how and why I connect, and actually made me feel more peaceful about taking the "igniter" role so often in my friendships. And yeah, it showed me ways I should be doing better as a friend.
Chatty, empathetic, and useful to me. Definitely has profanity for my friends on here that are sensitive to that.
Chatty, empathetic, and useful to me. Definitely has profanity for my friends on here that are sensitive to that.
February 7, 2025
very interesting glimpse of post 2020 friendship maintenance and very affirming to read!
March 21, 2024
I found this a very interesting and thought-provoking book to read. I think that as an adult in today's society, it can be difficult to manage and maintain friendships. For me personally, it can be difficult to discern the difference between friends and acquaintances. I'm also often torn between wanting to reach out to others, and waiting for them to reach out to me. Life gets in the way, sometimes people drift apart, and it's not always easy to determine which connections are worth fighting for.
This book highlights why friendship is important, why we feel the need to form and maintain friendships, as well as offering lots of advice, and some interesting exercises to try. It's quite in-depth, and n some ways, it felt quite intense to read, because much of its content resonated quite deeply with me. At the same time though, it felt like a comfort, a reassurance, and I'd say it's definitely worth a read.
Thank you to NetGalley and the publishers for a free copy to review.
This book highlights why friendship is important, why we feel the need to form and maintain friendships, as well as offering lots of advice, and some interesting exercises to try. It's quite in-depth, and n some ways, it felt quite intense to read, because much of its content resonated quite deeply with me. At the same time though, it felt like a comfort, a reassurance, and I'd say it's definitely worth a read.
Thank you to NetGalley and the publishers for a free copy to review.
August 9, 2024
Highly recommend for anyone that just wants to be a good friend
June 28, 2025
I really appreciated this book. I think it hit me at the right time in my life as I've been thinking a lot about friendships and what it takes to sustain them. I loved the author's voice, the stories, and the realistic examples and strategies. Definitely recommend - whether you feel like you're already good at friendships or like you want to find/strengthen friendships.
Read
July 29, 2024Why are adult friendships so hard to make and maintain? And what can we do about it? Those are the questions Anna Goldfarb tries to answer in this quick, easy-read book. It was validating to know that I’m not alone in the struggles I face in trying to hold onto friendships in this attention-scattered modern world. I especially liked Goldfarb’s exercises scattered throughout the book, and the 14-day “friendship cleanse” appendix that walks you day-by-day through two weeks of reigniting your friendships. I also liked the discussion of friendship “tiers”: bathtub friends (your 1-2 most intimate friends), jacuzzi friends (2-5 very close friends, your support network), swimming pool friends (10-15 shoulder-to-cry-on friends, the people you stay in regular contact with and have shared personal details with), bonfire friends (~50 people in your contact list from school, jobs, extended friends circle, etc.), and water park friends (~150 people who would attend your once-in-a-lifetime event like a wedding or funeral). The categories are fluid (pun intended), but Goldfarb suggests focusing on our bathtub, jacuzzi, and swimming pool friends – we all have limited time and energy, so focus on quality in-person time with fewer friends, rather than superficial online pings and “likes” with more. All told, I liked this book and will probably be doing a “friendship audit” of my own at some point in the near future.
March 28, 2025
I didn’t find this the Most productive set of advice ever, but I think that has a lot to do with the fact that my friendship circle doesn’t look like what a married 30+ year old is used to it looking like. I have a tight circle of 5 friends who have all known each other since high school, and none of us are married with kids or have moved out of state permanently.
I wish the book focused more on how to make new friends rather than how to keep old ones. That’s just not something I personally struggle with, but I do struggle to make new connections.
Reading this definitely did serve as a good reminder of the behavior I could be improving in my relationships, though. I feel more empathic towards my friends, more clear headed about what I want out of those relationships, and what I can be giving them in return.
However, I see all of the great advice listed in this book, and I don’t know what to do with it. There’s some sort of mental block keeping me from changing my behavior to match my desires. I always fall back on the idea that it’s okay to be unenergetic —even though it comes off as unenthusiastic—when trying to connect with people. What do you do when nobody you want to be friends with seems interested in you? I think I just wish this book delved deeper than introductory-level friendship.
I wish the book focused more on how to make new friends rather than how to keep old ones. That’s just not something I personally struggle with, but I do struggle to make new connections.
Reading this definitely did serve as a good reminder of the behavior I could be improving in my relationships, though. I feel more empathic towards my friends, more clear headed about what I want out of those relationships, and what I can be giving them in return.
However, I see all of the great advice listed in this book, and I don’t know what to do with it. There’s some sort of mental block keeping me from changing my behavior to match my desires. I always fall back on the idea that it’s okay to be unenergetic —even though it comes off as unenthusiastic—when trying to connect with people. What do you do when nobody you want to be friends with seems interested in you? I think I just wish this book delved deeper than introductory-level friendship.
April 24, 2024
This book has some really valuable and informative things to say. It's easy to read and includes stories from people and exercises for the reader to think and work through. I would recommend.
July 11, 2025
3.5⭐️ I think the first half is good from a workbook perspective and to evaluate the relationships you have and where they sit for you. I think my biggest take away was what kind of network I like to surround myself (which I’ve always known without the category names) but to compare it to childhood, middle/high school, college, post college, and late 20s like the prompt is given and how much that changed for me off and on was so interesting to understand exactly why I don’t like certain networks.
But other than that, I don’t want to hear the stories and I don’t fall into the category of intentionally trying to find more friends and how to do that. Or to realize where friendships have gone bad or something. I feel pretty comfortable in understanding where something went wrong on my or their end so unless those are things you want to identify or work through I wouldn’t suggest the last half of this book necessarily.
But other than that, I don’t want to hear the stories and I don’t fall into the category of intentionally trying to find more friends and how to do that. Or to realize where friendships have gone bad or something. I feel pretty comfortable in understanding where something went wrong on my or their end so unless those are things you want to identify or work through I wouldn’t suggest the last half of this book necessarily.
May 14, 2024
This is THE definitive book on friendship. Anna writes with warmth and grace, explaining why our friendships feel so strained right now. I learned so much about why I’ve chosen the friends I do and the forces that keep us together (or push us apart). She offers practical, actionable advice that we can all easily implement into our relationships and subtle ways to shift our expectations about friendships (i.e. Friendships should be about something!). If you’re feeling disillusioned about the state of your relationships, do yourself a service and buy this book immediately. Now. Do it.
May 31, 2025
I really enjoyed Modern Friendship by Anna Goldfarb. It’s thoughtful, relatable, and refreshingly grounded in what friendship actually looks like today—not the curated Instagram version, but the messy, meaningful reality.
Goldfarb nails that strange contradiction of feeling like you have a hundred close friends while simultaneously feeling like you don’t know who to call when crises strikes. She explores why we choose certain people (and why they choose us), and how those choices shape the relationships that often define our lives.
The reflective exercises helped me organize my thoughts and take a more honest look at how I approach my own friendships.
This book strikes a great balance: insightful without being preachy, reflective without getting too heavy.
Goldfarb nails that strange contradiction of feeling like you have a hundred close friends while simultaneously feeling like you don’t know who to call when crises strikes. She explores why we choose certain people (and why they choose us), and how those choices shape the relationships that often define our lives.
The reflective exercises helped me organize my thoughts and take a more honest look at how I approach my own friendships.
This book strikes a great balance: insightful without being preachy, reflective without getting too heavy.
June 2, 2024
A refreshing, insightful, and science-backed diagnosis of modern friendship! Anna does an excellent job of synthesizing the literature out there into one witty read. Drawing from numerous interviews with researchers and practitioners of modern friendship, the book is a great resource for those looking to gain clarity and a roadmap to more fulfilling friendships.
I can also vouch for how great of a friend Anna is in real life and how much she walks the walk!!
I can also vouch for how great of a friend Anna is in real life and how much she walks the walk!!
January 8, 2025
I thought this was good! I think people should go in with the mindset of getting the most out of your current friendships rather than make new friends. I found the second half especially had a lot of practical advice. I feel like a lot of the advice could be seen as simple but it’s not really simple if you’re not following it- it was a good reminder to put these best practices in place for real. Glad I buddy read this to talk it through with a friend!
March 17, 2025
I liked it! Nothing earth-shattering but very practical and helpful.
My one beef! I feel like it kept talking about how BuSy and HaRrIeD we all are and I just....idk I'm buying it less and less! I feel like making this excuse for us all is BAD! And you see it all the time....
https://www.nytimes.com/2024/10/05/up...
My one beef! I feel like it kept talking about how BuSy and HaRrIeD we all are and I just....idk I'm buying it less and less! I feel like making this excuse for us all is BAD! And you see it all the time....
https://www.nytimes.com/2024/10/05/up...
April 21, 2024
Modern Friendship was one of those books which changes how you see yourself and your world. I always considered myself a good friend, but I learned a lot about what kind of friend I am. It is a delight to read this book because Ms. Goldfarb writes with honesty about her own missteps and successes with her relationships with people important in her life. But most importantly, I found myself applying her ideas to strengthen my relationships. The book is very readable because the format of the book includes lots of examples which are easy to relate to as well as activities to focus the reader on how to apply these ideas. I highly recommend this book.
February 3, 2025
This is a must read. Addressing each difficulty in modern friendships, this book hits the nail on the head when it comes to navigating meeting new people, going through friend breakups, and finding ways to stay in touch with others. It takes 200 hours to consider a person a close friend.. this is step one to successfully making quality friendships.
June 1, 2024
Long time Anna Goldfarb fan! Love this engaging and thoughtful work.
June 11, 2024
Wonderful book. Informative and simple to read. I have autism and this is so good in helping navigate social circles and required friendship needs.
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