The Social Climber's Bible: A Book of Manners, Practical Tips, and Spiritual Advice for the Upwardly Mobile

by Dirk Wittenborn, Jazz Johnson

Welcome fledging Social Climbers! Allow us to show you the way.

Birds do it, bees do it, even educated fleas do it, so what’s the big deal? You shouldn’t be punished for wanting to improve your lot in life! This is America, after all. In the grand tradition of True Prep and The Hipster Handbook, The Social Climber’s Bible will teach you everything you need to know to become a pro Mountaineer:

The Art of Social Climbing at gallery openings, cocktail parties, and funerals Social Climbing as a family How to handle sex, dating, marriage, and love Your social climbing IQ and how to improve it How to spot a Big Fish, Whale, Turtle or Unicorn, and what they can do for you Johnson & Johnson heiress Jazz Johnson is a lifelong insider in that rarefied world that fans of both Downton Abbey and Gossip Girl dream about. Raconteur Dirk Wittenborn is old enough to remember when sex was safe and cocaine wasn’t addictive. In short, Jazz belongs to some of the most exclusive clubs in the world, whereas Dirk has been kicked out of them. Who better to guide you?

Genres: Nonfiction, Humor, Self Help, Lifestyle

320 pages, Hardcover

First published October 28, 2014

About the author

DIRK WITTENBORN is a novelist (Fierce People, Pharmakon), screenwriter and the Emmy-nominated producer of the HBO documentary, Born Rich. He lives in Brooklyn with his wife and daughter and summers on the wrong side of the tracks in East Hampton, NY.

Reviews

[Jennifer Toliver · Rating 2 out of 5]

Eh, I made it through to the last page. Painfully. Wittenborn and Johnson attempt a funny how-to guide on getting to the top of the socio-economic food chain. There were a few witty parts, enough to make me smile inwardly, but was it humorous? Not really. Basically I can sum it up for you this way...wanna be popular and famous? Lie, lie, lie. Embellish every ounce of your existence and hope, along the way, to come into contact with some already popular and famous person. Then lie some more.

I get that the book was written tongue-in-cheek but it fell infinitely short.

I received a copy of this book in exchange for an honest review.

[James · Rating 5 out of 5]

I can't remember the last time I laughed so much while reading a book. I was cracking up with every other sentence! I literally laughed myself out of my seat at one point. I have absolutely zero experience with social climbers or even the concept of social climbing, but I imagine that most of the advice in this book would actually work. That's part of what makes this book so hilarious—the fact that there are people out there doing these things.

So whether you're trying to climb your way to the top social circles, or you're just looking for a laugh, The Social Climber's Bible is well worth it. So so so so funny!

[Rin · Rating 4 out of 5]

I wasn't sure what to make of this book when my friend recommended it to me and I read the title. It seemed a little ridiculous that someone would write a book like this. But in the end, it reminded me of How To Make Friends and Influence People. Except... funny.

Some of the suggestions in this book were so outlandish. Like the author suggested that you meet a rich kid in Alcoholics Anonymous. The key, he noted, was to find someone of high social status but with low self-esteem. These people he called "turtles." It was an idea so absurd that it just might work. However, he coupled it with other helpful places to meet people of high influence, such as auctions and cocktail parties. And emphasized the power of "hello," how to approach and talk to strangers and dominate conversations with influential people. Well--in a comical way.

A lot of people seemed not to enjoy the book because it was so obnoxious that it was hard to find the humor, or the truth. I personally don't find it to be any different from the sitcoms or movies I enjoy with a similar humor. As I read it, I imagined someone actually playing these situations out. I laughed at the idea of someone saying, "Africa was magical for me," having never been. I almost dropped my tablet on my face when I realized I actually know people like this and it made the scenarios all the more humorous.

I still don't understand what to call this book, however. It's ridiculous, satirical and irritating at times. And I mean that in a good way. Is it a self-help book? I'm not sure. I've been recommending it as a parody self-help book with a lot of truth in it. Anybody who knows someone as described in the book would enjoy it, however. And maybe see why the behavior works.

[Christine Kenney · Rating 3 out of 5]

On point satire that left me uncovering and then questioning my own modest "mountaineering" ambitions. Pairs well with something stoic encouraging you to want what you have like A Guide to the Good Life: The Ancient Art of Stoic Joy. If you want to dig deeper into the psyche of WASPs and Whales, over the years I've also enjoyed The Official Preppy Handbook, Tipsy in Madras: A complete guide to 80s preppy drinking, including *proper attire *cocktails for, and although a bit less funny and more earnest, The Old Money Book.

[Nicholas Galinaitis · Rating 3 out of 5]

I feel mixed feelings but ultimately liked this book. Call me a climber, I'm currently living in LA. Gives dirty (half satirical??) advice on how to be a Kardashian and make your life into a commodity. Most of it I would *never* follow but I say, why not open your eyes? The best advice was, when you walk into a party to climb the ladder, say to yourself that I know anything negative that people say about me is not true, because I deserve the best. Or something along those lines. Empowering! Also that the networking is often just a euphemism for social climbing. Also I think maybe this book was co authored by a gay man. So many references to Grindr etc...

[Eustacia Tan · Rating 2 out of 5]

Finally done with this book and... it's not as funny as I expected. That said, satire is really hard to do so props to them for making me chuckle a little here and there (although I didn't consider giving up once or twice - but I already bought this so...)

The title pretty much explains the book. It's a satirical guide on how ordinary people can end climb their way to the top, covering things like social situations and how to do social media.

The biggest problem with this book is that it doesn't go far enough. Because they're so deadpan, they really need to use ludicrous examples (at least in my case), or they'd come off sounding like they actually intend for this to work. And as you might expect, the chuckles came from the examples. The wanting to stop reading came from the stretches of deadpan prose.

I think this book would be funny/useful when describing a social climber character. Can you imagine what would happen if someone decides to follow their life using this book? I would totally read that, although I would probably cringe the whole way. So in a way I guess this could be character inspiration?

I wouldn't recommend this book. It wasn't terrible, but it wasn't great either. Unless you're planning to write a story featuring a social climber and you want ideas on how to make her fail, I think you could just skip this.

This review was first posted at Inside the mind of a Bibliophile

[Matt · Rating 5 out of 5]

Didn't really know what to expect when I first started reading the Social Climber's Bible but by the end of the book I knew exactly what the authors were trying to do. Some of the tips they give seem so ridiculous that they might actually work in the type of setting they mention. I think this book could be a really great/funny short film or movie.

[Way · Rating 4 out of 5]

Hilarious satire that actually doubles as good advice (besides all the completely terrible, illegal advice) for those who are inclined towards psychopathy. Worth a read if you're interested in how a so called "social climber" might think.

[Chad G · Rating 2 out of 5]

Satirically written, while unfortunately not being overly humerus. Anyone thinking this is a serious book, such as “How to Win Friends, and Influence People,” keep looking. Virtually nothing of value is presented. 2.5 rounded down.

[KO · Rating 1 out of 5]

I received a copy of this book in exchange for an honest review.

I thought this book lacked the humor necessary to prevent it from being cruel and mean-spirited. Would not recommend, it left me feeling gross.

[m · Rating 3 out of 5]

I could barely tell whether it was intended to be entirely ironic or there was some use to it that the authors were trying to instill in the readers. Humorous book and had a few good ideas that were obviously shown with exaggerated examples but it was interesting nonetheless.

[Nakedfartbarfer]

Worldly enough to be witty, but not hilarious. Much like class warfare and receiving government subsidies, social climbing is gauche and fraudulent when poor people do it, and highly affirming when rich people do it :)

[Farah · Rating 2 out of 5]

Read it as a satire (I'm assuming that's how it was meant to be read?) Thought it was quippy and humorous in the beginning, but ultimately I think it ran about a hundred pages too long.

[Rosie · Rating 3 out of 5]

Is this satire?? Is it not?? Do I not understand rich people humour????

[Jo · Rating 5 out of 5]

Hilarious - loved it!

[Noel Lord · Rating 5 out of 5]

What a funny book. I gather that the tips they write about are those they know have been used by some people to get ahead. I laughed so much.

[naomi · Rating 1 out of 5]

just a ridiculous book to be honest, not very funny and really provides no insightful advice at all. just grating and repetitive and lame to be honest!

[Jquick99 · Rating 2 out of 5]

NOT funny, but something to have on (audiobook) while cleaning the house.

[Ashley · Rating 1 out of 5]

I won an advance reader's copy of this book through Goodreads' First Reads giveaways. I tried to read it. I really did. In reality, I only managed to skim the first chapter and flip through the rest of the book. I must admit that I have close to zero interest in social climbing. Perhaps that clouds my view of this book. I entered the giveaway because I thought it would be humorous and unfortunately did not find it to be. I do agree with what seems to be the main topic - "I care enough about me not to believe anything they say about me is true if I don't want it to be. I will not be judged." Hopefully you will enjoy this more than I did.

[PC · Rating 3 out of 5]

Strange title, had a ring to it and that was enough to spur my interest. This is a weirdly funny guide to getting where you want, what you want and whom you want in this society of ours. I was a bit saddened by the truth behind the hilarious instructions for your social climb, but it was a true delight to see the author jerk the thick gauze of euphemism right off and allow a little air to the festering elite of our world. Good job! I would recommend this book for a fun read. Thanks, once again, to Goodreads....

[Joanna · Rating 2 out of 5]

I thought this book was really funny. I have no experience with the world of social climbing. This book is not like the practical advice of How to Win Friends and Influence People. Its advice is for people are are hardcore, dedicated social climbers. I read this as satire (not completely sure that's how it was intended...), and I found it funny and amusing.

[Kenneth Gillett · Rating 5 out of 5]

Wonderfully hilarious, Jazz and Dirk provide invaluable advice from the "inside." Witty, entertaining and wildly educating, a good read for anyone who doesn't (or does) take social climbing too seriously ;-)

[Sweetpea · Rating 4 out of 5]

I received a free copy of this book from the Goodreads First Reads Program in exchange for an honest review. A satirical guide for social climbers, The Social Climber's Bible is humorous, entertaining and wonderfully outrageous.

[Firdaus Omar · Rating 4 out of 5]

Great book, but the philosophy is mainly how to cheat your way up to gain benefit from other people. Nevertheless, it is an insider eyes to tell you how the world is on the other side of the riches and i do learn something like the art social circle.

[Christopher Oates · Rating 2 out of 5]

not that funny.....

[Olwen · Rating 1 out of 5]

I thought this book would be toungue-in-cheek; but it seems not! I think the authors are serious!

[Michael Didier · Rating 4 out of 5]

funny

[Nevra Akkoç Turhan · Rating 5 out of 5]

It was really nice to read it...