The Relationship Handbook: A Path to Consciousness, Healing, and Growth

by Shakti Gawain, Gina Vucci (With)

Using knowledge and skills honed over a lifetime of teaching and learning, personal development pioneer Shakti Gawain presents a powerful, life-changing work on a subject she has always been passionate our relationships. In her popular workshops and in her personal life, she has tested and refined the insights and exercises in this book, which she cowrote with her longtime collaborator Gina Vucci. Their approach reflects the fact that each of us is in relationships not only with romantic partners, family, coworkers, and children, but also with internal core beliefs and a variety of selves, including primary, disowned, and shadow selves.

These revelatory teachings incorporate strategies for becoming aware of hidden beliefs, applying the Voice Dialogue process developed by Drs. Hal and Sidra Stone, and learning to experience every relationship as a path to self-knowledge. Through her gentle guidance, Shakti shows us how every relationship we have at every moment can be seen as a path toward greater consciousness, healing, and growth.

There is no other book on relationships like this. Give this powerful book even a short amount of time and prepare yourself for some truly remarkable results!

Genres: Self Help, Nonfiction

168 pages, Paperback

First published October 20, 2014

About the author

Shakti Gawain is an author and proponent of what she calls "personal development". Her books have sold over 10 million copies, according to her website. Gawain's best known book is "Creative Visualization". She has also written "Living in the Light", "Awakening", "Meditations", "The Path of Transformation", "The Four Levels of Healing", "Creating True Prosperity" and "Developing Intuition". She is the co-founder, with Marc Allen, of New World Library Publishing Company and founder of Nataraj Publishing, a division of New World Library.

Reviews

[Gail · Rating 4 out of 5]

Practical tools for delving into old patterns. Recommended to me by a retired psychiatrist who said, "It saved my marriage," that was reason alone to read it.

Gawain says, "If a situation or relationship is unacceptable, we can acknowledge that we have helped create this on a deep level and therefore there is a purpose to what we are experiencing. The truth is that we get what we expect and ask for on the deepest levels. This is not about blame, pity or being a victim, however. If we believe we play a part in creating it, then we believe we can play a part in healing it."

And she suggests that if we look at what we find most challenging in someone else, it is likely an issue for us, and if we look at the shadow characteristics, those we reject most vehemently, there is most likely, something in them that would benefit us greatly.

[April · Rating 4 out of 5]

Another one of Shakti's books that I appreciate. Some of the information is similar to what I've learned about Saboteurs in Positive Intelligence and also about parts of ourselves from IFS. I think the exercises for discovering Primary and Disowned Selves is very helpful for people who are not aware of the different aspects of themselves at play. I know I needed this 10 years ago! While I've done some discovery work on my selves and have gotten familiar with them, I think there's more to uncover. I still find myself having the part that feels the need to perform (Responsible and Competent Self) come out in certain environments and situations. And maybe that's natural and not a bad thing. I think I've recognized when that aspect can become unhealthy and overly forceful.

“Our well-being depends on our being whole and having access to all of who we are.” pg. 19

“When we begin the process of exploring the various selves within us, we discover that we are disproportionately identified with certain aspects of ourselves, which means that we ultimately deny and disown other parts, as mentioned above. Our rejection of certain people in our lives is actually an attempt to distance ourselves from the parts we’re rejecting within ourselves. In reality, it is not other people or events that elicit our reactions. The qualities we are rejecting within ourselves are merely being reflected in the situations and relationships in which we are experiencing difficulty.” pg. 28

“We are each born with great potential; every one of us can access all the energies of all selves that exist in the world, for they are all aspects of ourselves. These aspects are deeply affected by those who raise us and influenced by our environment, and so there are a large number of possibilities for the different selves, or groups of selves, that can form within us. These groups of selves continue to be shaped through our life experiences, which alters their depth and complexity even further.” pg. 53

“These childlike selves never grow up. They remain the age of the child they are within us. They don’t change or mature, nor would we want them to. They bring richness, depth, and enjoyment to our lives. We have awe and wonder because they exist within us. Our job is not to ‘raise’ them but to become aware that they exist and to care for them.” pg. 56

“Our Inner Child touches our lives and all of our relationships. It’s very common for us to unknowingly form an intimate relationship out of a need to care for our Inner Child. It feels so good, at first! Our partner loves us, they nurture us, they care for us, and maybe even pamper us. When we are feeling so loved in this way, it is often the Inner Child who is feeling this love and soaking it all in.
This is all very wonderful—until our partner has a bad day or is tired or distracted. If they are not able to be there for us, we suddenly feel rejected, ignored, or maybe not valued. We are hurt and blame them; all we see is what ‘they’ have done wrong and how ‘they’ have hurt us. It’s as if we’ve taken our Inner Child and put them on the lap of someone else, expecting them to take care of us. It’s no wonder we feel exposed, abandoned, or rejected! Once we become aware of what is happening within us—aware of the role of our Inner Child—we can shift our focus back to ourselves and our needs at the moment. We can stop looking to others to make us feel better, and we can act to do this for ourselves. Of course, it’s appropriate to expect care and comfort from a partner, but no one, not even a parent, can anticipate or care for all of our needs. By recognizing our Inner Child when it arises, we learn to recognize our needs and the ways we can take care of ourselves.” pg. 60-61

“We have an entire level of nonverbal communication with those closest to us. This sensitivity affects the thoughts, attitudes, and beliefs we have about each other. This is important because what we believe about a person or a situation shapes how we act or behave toward them.” pg. 132

“As we pursue the idea that we have manifested the situation we find ourselves in, what we are trying to learn is revealed. In meditation, we can ask ourselves why we have created this situation in this way. Why have I manifested this person in my life? How is this person helping me to learn and grow?” pg. 133-134

“If you have a genuine desire to experience a deeply fulfilling and happy relationship in your life, and if you are ready to accept this joy in your life, then you can and will create relationships that work for you.” pg. 134

“Now consciously affirm: ‘I am turning this over to the higher intelligence of the universe within me, to guide me in creating it.’” pg. 140

“You can also repeat the cosmic affirmation: ‘This or something better is now manifesting for me in totally satisfying and harmonious ways, for the highest good of all concerned.’” pg. 140

“For example, if your goal is to find a new relationship, or if it is to improve a relationship already existing, write a description of your ideal relationship as if you already had it, describing what your partner is like, what you feel like, what you do together, what you do separately, your surroundings, and so on. Make sure to use positive statements. Don’t place blame or describe what is ‘wrong’ with a partner or another person or a situation. Simply state the ideal way the relationship or situation will be. This process also works for healing past hurts or experiences we are ready to let go of.” pg. 140-141

Book: borrowed from NB Branch.

[Shanti Jelinek · Rating 5 out of 5]

It’s not what you think!! This is a book that sheds so much light into how we view our reality and relationships from where we are and how to grow in ourselves. I can’t describe this book and properly give it justice.

[Jackie · Rating 5 out of 5]

I had the pleasure of hearing Shakti speak at our local community college in the early 90's. She is an amazing person and very inspiring. She was one of my mentors who ignited me on my spiritual path outside of organized religion. This book is wonderful and very insightful. I can't wait to re-read it again and spend more time learning from "my shadow sides" and exploring my "common selves".

"We view our relationships as paths because they lead us in the direction of healing and growth. They offer us an opportunity to use reflections we see in others as insight into our own process, especially understanding where we might need to take our process next. By holding this perspective, we are able to approach interactions in an entirely new way. We can use our reactions, even our negative feelings and experiences, as events that can bring us our greatest healing and growth. With this new outlook, the possibilities are endless." Shakti Gawain

[Joan Machlis-crasemann · Rating 2 out of 5]

I value multiple self/inner child dialogue work and this is a good introduction/refresher on that approach to personal growth. But this was a soup of personal story, restatements of work by Hal and Sidra Stone, heartfelt outreach to victims of domestic violence, transcriptions of facilitations, and descriptions of visualization techniques that never blended together for me. I read to the end, hoping for something original and didn't find it. As the authors said, this was an attempt to bring their workshops into a book form and, I think, without the personalities and group interactions the potential power of what they conveyed came across as flat and, for me, boringly prescriptive.

[Laura · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book didn't live up to my expectations. Living In The Light is like my bible and I expected this book to affect me in a similar way but it didn't.
There are usable thoughts and processes however, it didn't resonate with me that much.

[Ruth · Rating 4 out of 5]

Really insightful and helpful.