On Being a Therapist

by Jeffrey A. Kottler, Paul Bellantoni (reader)

For practitioners and students of therapy in any of the helping professions, Kottler (counseling, California State U.-Fullerton) explores the personal dimensions of the work, and how it affects therapists. The first edition appeared in 1986; no date is noted for the second. The third is revised to account for changes in the profession and the practice. Annotation ©2004 Book News, Inc., Portland, OR

Genres: Psychology, Nonfiction, Counselling, Mental Health, Social Work, Audiobook, School

Audio CD

First published October 1, 1986

About the author

Jeffrey A. Kottler is a professor, psychologist, author, consultant, workshop leader, keynote speaker, and social justice advocate who has spent the past 40 years working throughout the world to promote personal and professional development among professionals and marginalized groups. Jeffrey has worked as a teacher, counselor, therapist, and consultant in a variety of settings including a preschool, primary and secondary school, university, mental health center, crisis center, and corporate settings.

Reviews

[Kyu · Rating 2 out of 5]

I was excited to read this, but the author lost me inch by inch through the book. I found it to skim too shallowly on subjects that seemed haphazardly selected for discussion. And honestly, the author's cynical and compassionless attitude really seeped through the page and turned me off. He seemed to take it for granted that everyone was as cynical as he and I was not willing to enter into that assumption with him. If you're looking for something like this but something a bit more affirming and (I think) truer to the compassion that should be the center to therapy, read Irwin Yalom's work. This is not to say that I don't think therapists are fully capable of cynicism, boredom, burn-out, loss of compassion, etc. but I wouldn't so easily leap to the conclusion that they are in the same state of mind as the author.

[Carter · Rating 5 out of 5]

I've read a lot of psych books in the past 6 years but this was by far the most useful. Kottler provides the reader with an honest, raw, uncensored look at being a mental health professional. As a graduate student in Clinical Counseling I found his commentary to be at times frightening, really challenging me to reflect on the path I've chosen by confronting me with the bad and the ugly. But then there is the good! and it is so good, so uplifting and inspiring. Still challenging, but worthwhile. This book came at the perfect time in my program, a time where I was being tested by my professors and asked to answer that question "how much do you really want to be a counselor and what does that title mean to you?" Kottler's book was an indispensable part of my process of defining exactly what being a mental health professional means, in general and on a personal level.

I would highly recommend this book to anyone thinking of pursuing a career in mental health care (it is applicable to a variety of professions including social work but most of the content is specific to one-on-one sessions more indicative of counseling and psychology). If you are already on that path, even if you've been in the field for years, this is a must-read.

[jenny✨ · Rating 3 out of 5]

i read this for a class and found certain parts affirming and illuminating, and other parts simply long-winded or, worse, prone to the sort of biased behaviour the book rallies against (e.g., championing gender diversity but constantly saying "he or she" to encapsulate all of humanity). overall, i'm not sure this book was as radical or paradigm-shifting as i hoped it'd be.

[Rob Freund · Rating 4 out of 5]

There are some books that pretty much every would-be or practicing therapist ought to read during their tenure as a clinician. I believe On Being a Therapist to be one of them. Granted, there are also some books that ought to be approached with a certain measure of commitment, and Kottler's book fits with that sentiment. I've had a copy of Les Miserables sitting on my bookshelf for years now; I've promised myself that someday I'll read it, but a 1,000 page novel takes serious dedication to work through! In some ways, Kottler's book is like to Les Miserables. Granted, On Being a Therapist is only 320 pages of actual content, but it's a heavy read; I wouldn't suggest questing on it lightly!

Nevertheless, here's why I think it's worth your time. There are things a therapist deals with; questions, concerns, and burdens with which we wrestle during our training and practice. Sometimes, it's easy to think that those issues are our own, and unique from other therapist's experiences. Kottler drives home (sometimes with unnerving astuteness) the universality and homogeneity of our problems, our concerns, our issues. In some ways it was almost a disappointment to discover that I'm not so special after all. Questions of ethics, of morality, of "how in the world do I help people?" and "how can I maintain my sanity?" were all there, written exactly as I'd thought of them before, and usually more eloquently. There is an element of commiseration in On Being a Therapist that makes you feel like part of a tribe. Perhaps that is the true gift of Kottler's book. It sends the message, "You are not alone."

Kottler also does not sugarcoat who we are or what we do. At times reading the book was a bucket of ice-water on my pre-professional enthusiasm. He calls out the dark side of counseling; our narcissistic impulses, the stubborn hypocrisy in our personal versus professional lives, the intoxication of power we feel over influencing lives. He also describes with disturbing clarity the wear and tear of counseling on the therapist and other associated dangers. Sometimes while reading I wasn't sure if this book might not be intended as some kind of an informed consent document for the would-be practitioner!

All in all, On Being a Therapist is a frank discussion and dissection of the counseling profession. It's at once inspiring and tiring, because Kottler presents an un-photoshopped portrait of what we do - good, bad and ugly. I confess that as a novice therapist I want the haze and sparkle of idealism. I want unrealistic promises of change, goodness, and fairytale heroics of the heart. But let's be honest - having all of that in a book (and in real life) would cheapen what we do. Instead, Kottler offers the profession as it is: fraught with risk, but if entered with open eyes and an open heart, incredibly rewarding.

This review, and others on psychology related books, can be found on my blog: robfreund.wordpress.com

[Ludmilla · Rating 4 out of 5]

Bu kitabı Elif Okan Gezmiş’in hayli temiz çevirisiyle okuma fırsatı bulduğum için şanslıyım, kavram karmaşası da yok, her şey yerli yerinde.
Kottler’in bu kitabı size nasıl terapist olunacağını anlatmıyor, bu yolda yaşadığınız zorluklarda hiç de yalnız olmadığınızı çok çarpıcı örneklerle dürüstçe anlatıyor. Anlattıklarını araştırmalarla desteklemesi ve küçük öneriler vermesi de cabası. Kendinizi tükenmiş ve danışanlara yardımcı olamayacak gibi hissediyorsanız özellikle okumanızı öneririm.

[Angela · Rating 5 out of 5]

I've been calling this book "supervision in a book" because Kottler touches on everything that is important and confusing and exciting about being a therapist. This is a must read for all new therapists as well as any experienced therapist who needs a reminder of why he or she became a therapist in the first place.

[David · Rating 1 out of 5]

I started to read this book as it was a suggested reading for a class but unfortunately I could only make it half way though.

I think it’s important to note this anecdote mentioned in the book.

He had written a manuscript titled, Client’s From Hell, yes I will repeat that the author had a written a piece bashing his clients. And he received the following feedback from Albert Ellis, “I think Kottler has a problem because he thinks all his clients are sent from hell to make his life miserable. It seems to me he has lost his compassion”.

This then give him the a-ha moment where he realizes that he was indeed incompassionate then turn on a dime, renames his book so it now talks about how to be compassionate with difficult clients and leaves his job (because that must have been why he lost his compassion).

Reading through the book it seems that his compassion was never regained but he may of figured out how to get through the day in a career he doesn't really like. He takes a little too much joy in listing out every imaginable insult that he's said to a client and does so in a repetitive cycle.

It reminds me of the divorced middle aged man trope, "You two so young and happy, one day you'll see love's all bullshit! It's all just hormones, one day is the honeymoon and the next day she's out banging the pool boy!" And then tries to give you relationship on how to keep your relationship together.

What I got out of this is that on my path I need to find people who have the positive qualities I want and learn from them so I have the lowest possibility of becoming like the author.

[Rachael · Rating 3 out of 5]

Edited review: what I considered “Like a hug for the aspiring therapist” at 50 pages in, became a bit of a desolate exploration into the very real and very depressing realities of being a therapist, without any tempering. In all honesty, I attempted to skim the latter half, but it honestly left me with feeling of burnout and hopelessness.
Possibly not for someone struggling with their position within the therapy-scape, but not without its merits.!

[Tavan T · Rating 5 out of 5]

An essential read for anyone interested in the field of mental health or social work.

[kylajaclyn · Rating 2 out of 5]

Kottler is so cynical to the point of being unattractive. This book did not discourage me from the profession, but I can see how it would discourage many beginning counselors trying to enter the field. Things should not be sugarcoated. But when every chapter talks about how tired he is of certain things or certain types of clients, maybe it’s time for the author to change professions instead of putting all that negativity into a book.

[Annie · Rating 5 out of 5]

This was so helpful for me. Put words to so many weird and difficult parts of this job, and gave permission to be imperfect. “What do we do with the stories we hear? How do we hold them? How do we live with them? The answer, in part, is with difficulty.”

[Zachary · Rating 2 out of 5]

It's in my own opinion that this book was unbalanced and favored exploring the downsides of providing therapy to the positives. Much of the book felt pessimistic, nihilistic, and like it was intent on giving a warning to stay away from the field of therapy. While it has its' good parts, and while I think much of what the author had to share and say are important, I felt it was extremely unbalanced, and was by no means what I was expecting upon reading it. I cannot say whether or not I was glad I read it. It's certainly not going to inspire enthusiasm in those studying to become therapists or those with the intention to work in the field. If anything, it leaves me questioning my decisions and struggling with the work I have done in my own therapy and the relationship with my own therapist. Valuable? Maybe. Overly pessimistic? That I am 100% sure of.

[Gwendoline Van · Rating 3 out of 5]

Kottler weighs the pros and cons of being a therapist, asking the curious cat to assess their own motivations, the "why" behind their interest in the profession, while he paints a realistic portrait of the trade. Like so many professions, therapists also face the perils of burnout, ego, and loss of compassion, all normal arcs in the course of the career, ones that either signal our exit from the profession or deeper insight and revelation.

An interesting read, one that periodically rambles on, On Being A Therapist sometimes seems to better reveal the author's motivations than the trade itself with a heavy emphasis on prestige and authority. Happily, the book culminates in spiritual, contemplative, and creative expression and potential as driving forces for the profession.

[Marco · Rating 2 out of 5]

I'm pretty sure the intended title was On Being a Masochist.

Mr. Kottler here takes hating one's own life to the next level. He makes sure to work in a way that ensures not only he'll despise himself but also the people he sees (which mostly don't seem to think very highly of him either).

Good God I'm glad I'm coming across a crazy book such as this only now when I'm past my more suggestionable years and have accumulated a satisfactory record of helping people by being as much of a functional adult as I can and helping them do the same.

I can only hope other people, too, will read this book only after having a firm grasp on the sociology of our times and the infantilizing process of some therapeutic practices.

[Beatriz Esteban · Rating 5 out of 5]

Me ha gustado mucho ❤️. Sobre todo porque ha verbalizado todos mis miedos, todas mis dudas, me ha hecho ver el lado más humano y bello de nuestra progresión y me ha hecho reflexionar sobre muchas cosas. De relectura asegurada 😊

[Alex Ast · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book only helped fuel my enthusiasm and excitement at the prospect of becoming a therapist. It helped me examine my motivations for wanting to become a therapist; some of which I never even realized before. Some of my motivations include Although Kottler talks about how spiritually fulfilling therapy and how it helps clients realize what was already in them all along, he does not sugarcoat the challenges that arise with being a therapist. His writing, however, did not make me feel intimidated by the prospects of severe burnout and compassion fatigue, but rather ready to take precautions and face any obstacles that arise. One of the biggest lessons I learned was how therapy is so hard to categorize and nail down precisely. Is it science, is it art, is it philosophy? Well, the answer is that it's all of those. Kottler then emphasizes the crucial role creativity plays in trying to integrate so many disciplines in a career where you face the totality of the human condition.

[Alexis · Rating 5 out of 5]

NEED A HARD COPY OF THIS TO FULLY PROCESS! Loved how applicable this was and he has updated it several times to reflect current issues and things therapists run into today. Everyone could benefit from listening to track 23-24 which is all about how to get the most out of your own therapy and how to figure out of the therapist you are seeing is right for you!!

[Bill Zoelle · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book felt more like an outlet for Kottler to publicly examine himself, than to provide a resource for those looking to understand the profession. He owns all the best aspects of his practice, yet when it comes to the darker side of the profession and his personal struggles, he deflects ownership by including multiple examples of other therapist's behaviors that are worse than the traits he admits to. I enjoyed this window into the profession despite the litany of humble brags masquerading as vulnerability.

Many client relationship examples in the book reach beyond the therapist profession into other professions which also maintain long term client relationships. Over and over again Kottler speaks of the powers that therapists possess due to their training. It is as though he doesn't want to believe that those in other professions can be as effective or even more effective leveraging the tools of psychology to create change in the people they work with. Business consultants and teachers regularly use psychology to improve the lives and performance of others.

Kottler comes across as someone who doesn't really like people. It's more like he learned how people work through his studies, but his admitted lack of patience outside work and his frequent references to the extreme effort required to maintain hours of rapt attention tells me he doesn't really feel fulfilled by his profession on an emotional level.

[Justyn · Rating 4 out of 5]

This was originally required reading for a clinical class (the instructor assigned another book), but ended up being something I read for personal fun and learning. That said, On Being a Therapist is an honest and uncensored exploration of the profession. Kottler writes in an accessible and engaging style with plenty of personal anecdotes I could relate to in my own experience as both counselor and client. He begins by laying the foundation of how people get into the field and the basics of the therapeutic relationship. Then he explores personal and professional roles, how clients change their therapists, and the hardships of the profession. The following chapters cover dealing with failure, difficult clients, and boredom and burnout. The chapters covering the unsaid things about the profession and lies therapists tell were particularly enlightening and hilariously relatable. Finally the last two sections end on a more reassuring note and address self-care and creativity. Given the broad scope he covers, there are plenty of areas to revisit and consider as a professional depending on which topic may come up at a particular time. On Being a Therapist was an enjoyable and helpful read for anyone entering/working in the mental health field as well as those who are/have been clients to better understand their therapists.

[Bea Foster · Rating 4 out of 5]

I read this book out of the pure curiosity of how a therapist's mind works. Attempting also to gain insight and understanding to how a therapist could possibly be understanding and compassionate without having acceptance or tolerance of someone's actions. This is an intriguing skill to me!

Kottler's book On Being a Therapist provides insight into the mind of a therapist and tends to be focused on the negative aspects of the profession. Stressing the need for constant self-reflection and supervision.

This is the fourth edition of the book. The book was a bit repetitive and seemed to generalize Kottler's views on being a therapist, lacking in depth examples and explanations that could have created a more compelling read.

Two overbearing words come to mind when thinking about this book ~ cynical and narcissistic ~ therapists are human, struggling to maintain a professional identity.

[Rose Boyer]

I did not really enjoy this book. I was assigned it in a graduate school class and read the first half even though it was not assigned that way. I then followed the course and after it was over I grudgingly finished reading over a period of 3/4 of a year. This author is terribly negative and repeats himself ad infinitium. At the end of each very negative chapter he would add a page or two of positive thoughts and rebukes of his negative thinking. Although he has some positive things to say, overall I disliked this book very much.

[Paige Dalton-Reitz · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book had some good insights sprinkled here and there, but the overall tone was somewhat narcissistic and a little condescending at times. Kottler struck me as burned out in many places and definitely egotistical. It made for a hard read, even in audio form. I had to keep taking breaks. But the good gems here and there were worth it.

[Dorothy Greco · Rating 4 out of 5]

My husband and I have done pastoral care counseling/coaching for decades. While we are not licensed therapists, we spend many hours listening and trying to help men and women who express a need for support/help. Listening attentively and impartially and offering real help are not always easy. Our personal limitations show up. We get triggered by things that are said. We sometimes feel stumped about how to help. Kottler is honest about all of this which I found refreshing. (If you have never been on the other side of the couch, his vulnerable revelations might feel disconcerting.) There were a few things he shared about some clients that felt wildly inappropriate and way TMI. Had I served as his editor, I would have asked him to cut these.

[Autumn · Rating 3 out of 5]

It’s hard rating a book that is for academic reasons vs. for pleasure but I’ll give it a shot.

This wasn’t what I’d call a fun, easy read, it was VERY dense but I’m coming away from this book with more respect and knowledge about how difficult of a career this can be, how damaging it can be, but also how rewarding it can be. I really liked reading this both as someone in therapy as well as someone considering becoming a therapist. It gives me more of an understanding of my own therapist.

[Adam Daniel · Rating 5 out of 5]

*I read the 5th edition published in 2017. As a therapist I can vouch that this book, especially the final chapter on being a client, is a must read for mental health professionals. Introspection and willingness to be challenged is something we often preach but do not take in. If you're not embracing it from your peers, embrace it first from here and digest the ideas presented. I will definitely be revisiting this book.

[Emily Degnitz · Rating 4 out of 5]

A really great book. I'm so glad that I read it as part of my graduate program.

[Sammy Rae · Rating 5 out of 5]

Salve to my therapist part!!! 100% shoulda read this in grad school. It’s like the therapist archetype explained.

[Margaret Bird · Rating 5 out of 5]

Kottler’s perspective is so validating as a newer therapist. Every chapter felt like an encouragement that I needed to hear.

[Lauren Zanders · Rating 5 out of 5]

I love what I do. I love that I will never stop learning about the world and myself while doing it.

[Kinsey · Rating 4 out of 5]

I really liked this! I don't think it's written for the general public, but more for therapists themselves. Not necessarily in a clinical way, just that I don't think you'll enjoy it if you're not a therapist. There wasn't a ton of novel ideas or words in here, but it was just so refreshing to be completely validated in every aspect of my career: the good, the bad, and the ugly! I found myself putting off listening to it because I didn't want to finish it. It got a little slow at the end, but I think that had to do with the reader I was listening to. Some quotes:

"It is not what the therapist does that is necessarily important, whether she interprets, reflects, confronts, disputes, or role plays, but rather who she is as a person. A therapist who is vibrant, inspirational, and charismatic, who is sincere, loving, and nurturing, and who is wise, confident, and self-disciplined will often have an impact through the sheer force and power of her essence regardless of her theoretical allegiance. The first and foremost element of change then, is the therapist's presence. Her excitement and enthusiasm, and the power of her personality."

"It is the client's perception of the quality of the alliance that best predicts positive outcomes."

"Human beings have an intense craving, often unfulfilled, to be understood by someone else."

"Whatever we do, it is hardly business as usual in the sense that we can never truly expect to help those who are most needy, until we learn to customize and adapt everything we do, regardless of our attraction to a favorite model. This is both humbling, and endlessly fascinating, making it virtually impossible for us to reach a place where we can ever be certain about the therapeutic path we are taking."

"When a person gives attention to unresolved issues of the past, she often must work through resistance and apprehensions to dismantle rigid defenses, interpret unconscious motives, or reflect on unexplored feelings, we must sometimes push the client to the brink of her patience and endurance. . . In order to attain real growth, the clients must often be willing to experience intense confusion, disorientation, and discomfort. She leaves behind an obsolete image of herself. One that was once comfortable and familiar. And she risks not liking the person she will become. She will lose a part of herself that will never be recovered. She risks all of this for the possibility of a better existence, and all she has to go on is the therapist's word."

"Each of us is privy to so many tragic, powerful stories that are shared with us by our clients. We hold these stories. Take them in with our minds and hearts wide open. All the while doing our best to protect ourselves from the collateral impact and side effects that penetrate our own defenses. But far more than that, we also help to restructure, reframe, and co-author the stories in more constructive and heroic forms that honor the lessons learned. This is the essence of narrative and constructivist therapies, but is also a part of any therapeutic approach regardless of the particular names ascribed to the process."

"We experience the world as a series of stories."

"Stories are so much a part of individual and cultural identity. Rachel Carson's Silent Spring, for example helped to spark the environmental activist movement. Upton Sinclair's The Jungle was instrumental in creating the worker's rights and union movement. Harriot Beecher Stowe's Uncle Tom's Cabin may have actually been one of the sparks that launched the American Civil War, just as Thomas Paine's Common Sense did the American Revolution. St. Augustine's Confessions, Machiavelli's The Prince, and Henry David Thoreau's On Civil Disobedience were all powerful forces for change in their times. Then there are all the influential sacred stories that have formed the basis for the world's religions. It's pretty clear that particular stories can lead not only to wars, political calamities, and societal destabilizations, but also to breakthroughs in therapy and every day life."

"The experience of any practitioner would attest to the emotional and intellectual strains of living constantly with client's crises, confusion, and intense suffering. We sit in a sacred vault, completely isolated from the rest of the world and all other intrusions, accompanied only by those who have lost hope, who live with excruciating agony, who sometimes try to make others lives as miserable as their own. Even with the best defenses and clinical detachment, we are still sometimes polluted by this pain."

"We know clients at their best, and at their worst. And as a function of spending so many intense hours together, our clients come to know us as well. We aren't nearly as inscrutable as we think. Clients can read the nuances of our behavior, and study our must subtle "tells" or micro expressions."

"There is remarkable resilience and hardiness of people to tolerate such excruciating pain and yet still keep fighting to regain some kind of equilibrium and reasonable functioning."

"We can't pretend that things are simple. We know too much about what happens when people deceive themselves. All day long we listen to people lying to us. Lying to themselves, and trying to find a way to cope. Our job is to confront this deceit. When the day ends, we are left to face our own self-deceit, which is one reason why it is so critical for us to honestly and scrupulously assess early signs and symptoms for potential difficulties."

"Our clients only come to us when they are desperately in the throws of dysfunctional behavior. We constantly sort through the presenting complaints, narratives, life histories, and presentations by clients in order to identify problems and disorders in need of attention. Moreover it is very, very difficult to turn off this pathological filter when we aren't in session. It is all too easy for us to become psychological hypochondriacs, constantly aware of every nuance of possible problems in our own functioning, or those close to us. We are taught to become increasingly self-aware for purposes of honing our clinical skills and working through counter transference reactions. We are admonished to continually work on our own stuff so that it doesn't pollute our work."

"These people populate our world. We see them more frequently and regularly than we see most of our friends. No matter how much we work to preserve our professional detachment, no matter how hard we discipline ourselves to push them out of our minds when they walk out the door, we still carry them around inside us. How could these people not be significant in our lives and loom in our minds when we spend week after week discussing the sacred details of their lives? I feel exhausted. My energy is depleted just thinking about the burdens we routinely carry. It is strange to consider that we work so hard while sitting perfectly still. Maybe it is because must remain immobile and attentive that the job is so tiring. If only we could separate ourselves from the chair. If only our existence outside the chair could be as meaningful as the time we spend enveloped within it."

"Failures are hardly ever the result of one person in a relationship, but involve interactive effects that play out between participants."

"With anything we do, or have ever done personally and professionally, it is only after we've already exhausted everything we know how to do that we are willing to experiment and improvise with something else. Something that often leads to the unexpected and unanticipated."

"It is precisely our own ability at emotional regulation and self-talk that leads to a deeper understanding of our mistakes and misjudgments. As well as the opportunity to fix them."

"Squirrels can't find 80% of the acorns they bury. Even though this is how they spend most of their time, they lose more than three quarters of their valuable food sources. But the lesson here is that, I assume, they just accept this consistent failure and loss as part of the job, and move on with a shrug. If squirrels can shrug. It is rash, if not downright irrational for a therapist to believe that they can be successful with all of their clients all the time. It is beyond our means to help everybody."

"Incremental stages and other forms of stress reactions: secondary trauma (close proximity to someone in despair), vicarious trauma (contagious affects of being a witness to or intimate with someone who is decompensating), and compassion fatigue (prolonged exposure to someone's suffering with a corresponding collapse of boundaries. Burnout can encompass all of these in some form."