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The Woman They Wanted: Shattering the Illusion of the Good Christian Wife
"No one is coming to rescue me. I am going to have to rescue me."
As a twenty-three-year-old singer and the soon-to-be wife of youth pastor Joshua Harris, nothing in Shannon Harris's secular upbringing prepared her to enter the world of conservative Christianity. Soon Joshua's bestselling book I Kissed Dating Goodbye helped inspire a national purity movement, and Shannon's identity became "pastor's wife."
The Woman They Wanted recounts Shannon's remarkable experience inside Big Church--where she was asked to live within a narrow definition of womanhood for almost two decades--and her subsequent journey out of that world and into a more authentic version of herself. Entering conservative American Christianity was like being drawn out to sea, she writes, inexorable and all consuming. Slowly, her worldview was narrowed, her motivations questioned, her behavior examined, until she had been whittled down to an idealized version of femininity envisioned as an extension of her husband and the church. This decidedly patriarchal world, perpetuated even by the other women, began to feel like a slow death. However, when Sovereign Grace Ministries fell apart due to leadership conflicts and Shannon found herself outside church circles for the first time in years, she heard her intuition calling to her again. As she began to shake off the fog of depression and confusion, that voice grew louder. In honoring it, she awakened to the realities in which she had been trapped and found her truest self.
Singular and compelling, The Woman They Wanted will inspire women looking to reestablish connection with themselves, their inner wisdom, and their purpose.
As a twenty-three-year-old singer and the soon-to-be wife of youth pastor Joshua Harris, nothing in Shannon Harris's secular upbringing prepared her to enter the world of conservative Christianity. Soon Joshua's bestselling book I Kissed Dating Goodbye helped inspire a national purity movement, and Shannon's identity became "pastor's wife."
The Woman They Wanted recounts Shannon's remarkable experience inside Big Church--where she was asked to live within a narrow definition of womanhood for almost two decades--and her subsequent journey out of that world and into a more authentic version of herself. Entering conservative American Christianity was like being drawn out to sea, she writes, inexorable and all consuming. Slowly, her worldview was narrowed, her motivations questioned, her behavior examined, until she had been whittled down to an idealized version of femininity envisioned as an extension of her husband and the church. This decidedly patriarchal world, perpetuated even by the other women, began to feel like a slow death. However, when Sovereign Grace Ministries fell apart due to leadership conflicts and Shannon found herself outside church circles for the first time in years, she heard her intuition calling to her again. As she began to shake off the fog of depression and confusion, that voice grew louder. In honoring it, she awakened to the realities in which she had been trapped and found her truest self.
Singular and compelling, The Woman They Wanted will inspire women looking to reestablish connection with themselves, their inner wisdom, and their purpose.
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First published August 29, 2023
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August 31, 2023
Where do I even begin...
Not going to lie, I had an opinion about this book before I ever picked it up. A good chunk of my life was shaped by Josh and Shannon Harris, so after the bombshell announcement that was their divorce and subsequent departure from the faith a few years back, I knew her memoir would be uncomfortable and would likely open some pretty deep wounds. I also knew I would learn a lot — and I did. While I had an immediate assumption based on the title of the book and on my own observations of the Harris clan via social media, I am of the belief that every person deserves to tell their story and be heard, so I grabbed "The Woman They Wanted" with an open mind, eager to read Shannon's words for herself.
First, the positives. The book is easy to read with small, one-to-two page chapters, although near the end, it felt like she was bouncing around just to rant. I will say that getting a more rounded look at Shannon's life was very helpful in understanding where she was coming from and, more importantly, what she actually believed (both then and now).
Now, the negatives. I have truly never read a memoir so saturated with self-worship. Listen, I get it. Writing your story is tricky, but this book is absolutely dripping with bitterness and with victimization. Everybody aside from Shannon's parents and one best friend was somehow at fault for her ending up depressed and “detached from herself." Even while she claimed to know God (kinda), threaded throughout the entirety of the book was snarky cynicism against God, Bible reading, prayer, church, ministry, men, and servanthood. Shannon's "healing" consisted of talking disparagingly about the church, its people, and the Bible in the name of “wholeness” and “self-celebration.” It was extremely off-putting.
Another thing I noticed was the nonstop diatribe that complementarianism equals the devaluation of women. This is biblically illiterate rhetoric. The Bible teaches (clearly - not hidden away in some theological code to crack) that women have value, have authority in specific spheres, are important, are useful, are essential to the body of believers, and are to be loved and treated tenderly by their husbands. Husband and wife are to serve each other together and subdue the earth together and raise children together, so to say that affirming gender roles and responsibilities within the home and church (i.e. complementarianism) means you devalue women is not only ridiculous, it is completely unbiblical. One such example of this is when she writes about how mad and oppressed she felt because the church taught that motherhood was more important than her music career (because, um, it is more important), then later she writes about her feeling so angry when her husband suggested she get a job. This is just childish behavior.
Shannon says so much that begs addressing. She writes:
"I became the woman the church leaders wanted until I was a shell of the woman I knew myself to be." — I wasn’t there, so I don’t know what happened with Covenant church, but I do know this: If the elders of her church - who are responsible before God for the souls of their congregation according to 1 Peter - instructed her according to the Bible and she rejected it because she didn't like it, the problem is her sin. If they did not instruct her biblically, the problem is the sin in them for which they will be held accountable. Neither of these things make biblical doctrine incorrect, which was the context of her statement.
"I pressed down my dreams, wants, and needs in big and small ways. I put myself under my husband - I deferred to him. Instead of wanting things, I was content. Instead of doing things I wanted to do, I died to self. Instead of standing up for my preferences, I just tried not to have them.” — You mean you deferred to your husband like the blueprint in Ephesians 5? You mean you aimed for contentment as instructed in Philippians 4? You mean you died to yourself like Galatians 2 teaches? You mean you served like the example Jesus set in the gospels and we read about in Philippians 2? How about some fries with that bitterness? What Shannon is scorning, here, is the gospel.
"What was the point of being alive if not to find things that spark our souls into aliveness?” — The point of being alive is to glorify God in all that we do. Dreams are beautiful but personal ambition never supersedes our creative purpose.
The most troubling chapter was "Freeing Eve" where Shannon takes Genesis 3 and completely rewrites it. She says; "We have a woman who has just been created by God and declared a thing of goodness and beauty and in the very next breath she is awful and wrong... Here is Eve, she is naked and lovely, and no one is bothered by this at first." — Yes, because this was prior-to the fall when both Adam and Eve were naked and unashamed.
She laments over the Garden of Eden having a name, Adam having a name, Eve having a name, the tree having a name, while the forbidden fruit is nameless. Therefore she deems its namelessness as a “convenient omission” that makes it possible for the fruit to be “whatever someone in authority wants it to be" before she goes on a rant about the patriarchy. — Um, you mean like God? The “Someone” is God.
"Eve’s judgement comes down just as soon as she had taken a bite of her fruit… As soon as she realized what a glorious thing she’d found she went to share it with the one person on earth she had to share it with! Meanwhile, someone is bothered by her nakedness, so she must cover up with a leaf.” —So Eve's sin is "glorious"? Ugh, there is so much that is wrong with this. First, the consequence of sin fell on BOTH Adam and Eve (a vital piece of information Shannon leaves out because it doesn’t fit her narrative). Both Adam and Eve were naked; both Adam and Eve sinned. Both Adam and Eve ran to hide; both Adam and Eve used fig leaves to cover their nakedness, both Adam and Eve were guilty. But whose name did God call when He walked in the garden after they sinned? Adam's name. Shannon’s victim mentality is strong here.
"I see a woman who has been misrepresented and punished unjustly to be used as an example. I see a brave woman who took initiative and was punished severely for it. A woman whose wisdom is discounted in order to make another’s appear superior.” — So basically Shannon is parroting the serpent and calling God a liar. I find it amusing that just a couple chapters later, Shannon talks about Jesus being so loving when He came - sidestepping the fact that Jesus came BECAUSE of the fall. God promised in Genesis 3 that the seed of the woman (Jesus) would crush the head of the serpent, demonstrating His mercy and grace even then. But sin and salvation have no place in Shannon’s mind. It's just all about self. Then again, the gospel is foolishness to those who do not believe.
"What if Eve did exactly right by taking the fruit? What if she was supposed to have wisdom? What if she didn’t need to cover up all her girly parts with a fig leaf because someone was afraid of her? Because do you realize what that would mean? That would mean that we, the daughters of Eve, could have everything in the garden." — This is called heresy.
The cherry on top of the heretical sundae was, “Eve’s story is a story church men have told about a woman they have never met… If we free Eve from the false narrative that clings to her, we can free ourselves from our own." — Boy howdy. This is the problem with interpreting Scripture through your own lens.
In literally every chapter, Shannon writes that she could not be her true self but in reality I believe that her true self was there all along. It's crystal clear that she did not like doctrine, she hated authority, she did not value holiness, and she resented anyone who got in the way of her "fulfilling her dreams." In the name of "authenticity," she attacked people she never agreed with in the first place for "making" her change. Never mind that she chose to go to and join a church who affirmed things she didn't agree with - and when you join a church, you are publicly stating your agreement with their doctrinal statement and bylaws. Furthermore, Shannon chose to marry a man who toured the globe as an evangelical celebrity talking about high purity standards, so her disdain for the "rules" regarding sex and marriage only begs the question: "So, why did you marry him??" I mean, take some responsibility.
I absolutely believe that there are people who abuse women within the church. Been there, done that. But ultimately, the church is not the culprit. God is not the culprit. The problem is always, always, always the sinfulness of man. Shannon didn't talk of sin except in anger when her own sin was pointed out. She also has no authority to use God's Word to condone sin, so the chapters where she uses the Bible to excuse homosexuality and drunkenness cross a serious line.
Was Shannon fooled by Josh? Frankly, I think they both fooled themselves. I think both of them pretended to be people they were not until they could no longer sustain themselves - because only the Holy Spirit can produce truly righteous living and endurance in the faith. "The Woman They Wanted" reads like the Parable of the Sower in Matthew 13. When the pressure of life came, Josh and Shannon withered away, proving that they were not rooted after all (see Psalm 1; Matthew 7:21; John 15; Romans 8:9). My heart grieves for them, for their children, and for the thousands who are taking cues from their “deconstruction journey.”
The book ended with Shannon's attempt at celebrating her whole "self-discovery" thing, but the only thing I felt and still feel is a burden for her and for the masses who will read this book and conclude that Biblical Christianity is whatever they decide to make it. That is the illusion that truly needs shattering.
Not going to lie, I had an opinion about this book before I ever picked it up. A good chunk of my life was shaped by Josh and Shannon Harris, so after the bombshell announcement that was their divorce and subsequent departure from the faith a few years back, I knew her memoir would be uncomfortable and would likely open some pretty deep wounds. I also knew I would learn a lot — and I did. While I had an immediate assumption based on the title of the book and on my own observations of the Harris clan via social media, I am of the belief that every person deserves to tell their story and be heard, so I grabbed "The Woman They Wanted" with an open mind, eager to read Shannon's words for herself.
First, the positives. The book is easy to read with small, one-to-two page chapters, although near the end, it felt like she was bouncing around just to rant. I will say that getting a more rounded look at Shannon's life was very helpful in understanding where she was coming from and, more importantly, what she actually believed (both then and now).
Now, the negatives. I have truly never read a memoir so saturated with self-worship. Listen, I get it. Writing your story is tricky, but this book is absolutely dripping with bitterness and with victimization. Everybody aside from Shannon's parents and one best friend was somehow at fault for her ending up depressed and “detached from herself." Even while she claimed to know God (kinda), threaded throughout the entirety of the book was snarky cynicism against God, Bible reading, prayer, church, ministry, men, and servanthood. Shannon's "healing" consisted of talking disparagingly about the church, its people, and the Bible in the name of “wholeness” and “self-celebration.” It was extremely off-putting.
Another thing I noticed was the nonstop diatribe that complementarianism equals the devaluation of women. This is biblically illiterate rhetoric. The Bible teaches (clearly - not hidden away in some theological code to crack) that women have value, have authority in specific spheres, are important, are useful, are essential to the body of believers, and are to be loved and treated tenderly by their husbands. Husband and wife are to serve each other together and subdue the earth together and raise children together, so to say that affirming gender roles and responsibilities within the home and church (i.e. complementarianism) means you devalue women is not only ridiculous, it is completely unbiblical. One such example of this is when she writes about how mad and oppressed she felt because the church taught that motherhood was more important than her music career (because, um, it is more important), then later she writes about her feeling so angry when her husband suggested she get a job. This is just childish behavior.
Shannon says so much that begs addressing. She writes:
"I became the woman the church leaders wanted until I was a shell of the woman I knew myself to be." — I wasn’t there, so I don’t know what happened with Covenant church, but I do know this: If the elders of her church - who are responsible before God for the souls of their congregation according to 1 Peter - instructed her according to the Bible and she rejected it because she didn't like it, the problem is her sin. If they did not instruct her biblically, the problem is the sin in them for which they will be held accountable. Neither of these things make biblical doctrine incorrect, which was the context of her statement.
"I pressed down my dreams, wants, and needs in big and small ways. I put myself under my husband - I deferred to him. Instead of wanting things, I was content. Instead of doing things I wanted to do, I died to self. Instead of standing up for my preferences, I just tried not to have them.” — You mean you deferred to your husband like the blueprint in Ephesians 5? You mean you aimed for contentment as instructed in Philippians 4? You mean you died to yourself like Galatians 2 teaches? You mean you served like the example Jesus set in the gospels and we read about in Philippians 2? How about some fries with that bitterness? What Shannon is scorning, here, is the gospel.
"What was the point of being alive if not to find things that spark our souls into aliveness?” — The point of being alive is to glorify God in all that we do. Dreams are beautiful but personal ambition never supersedes our creative purpose.
The most troubling chapter was "Freeing Eve" where Shannon takes Genesis 3 and completely rewrites it. She says; "We have a woman who has just been created by God and declared a thing of goodness and beauty and in the very next breath she is awful and wrong... Here is Eve, she is naked and lovely, and no one is bothered by this at first." — Yes, because this was prior-to the fall when both Adam and Eve were naked and unashamed.
She laments over the Garden of Eden having a name, Adam having a name, Eve having a name, the tree having a name, while the forbidden fruit is nameless. Therefore she deems its namelessness as a “convenient omission” that makes it possible for the fruit to be “whatever someone in authority wants it to be" before she goes on a rant about the patriarchy. — Um, you mean like God? The “Someone” is God.
"Eve’s judgement comes down just as soon as she had taken a bite of her fruit… As soon as she realized what a glorious thing she’d found she went to share it with the one person on earth she had to share it with! Meanwhile, someone is bothered by her nakedness, so she must cover up with a leaf.” —So Eve's sin is "glorious"? Ugh, there is so much that is wrong with this. First, the consequence of sin fell on BOTH Adam and Eve (a vital piece of information Shannon leaves out because it doesn’t fit her narrative). Both Adam and Eve were naked; both Adam and Eve sinned. Both Adam and Eve ran to hide; both Adam and Eve used fig leaves to cover their nakedness, both Adam and Eve were guilty. But whose name did God call when He walked in the garden after they sinned? Adam's name. Shannon’s victim mentality is strong here.
"I see a woman who has been misrepresented and punished unjustly to be used as an example. I see a brave woman who took initiative and was punished severely for it. A woman whose wisdom is discounted in order to make another’s appear superior.” — So basically Shannon is parroting the serpent and calling God a liar. I find it amusing that just a couple chapters later, Shannon talks about Jesus being so loving when He came - sidestepping the fact that Jesus came BECAUSE of the fall. God promised in Genesis 3 that the seed of the woman (Jesus) would crush the head of the serpent, demonstrating His mercy and grace even then. But sin and salvation have no place in Shannon’s mind. It's just all about self. Then again, the gospel is foolishness to those who do not believe.
"What if Eve did exactly right by taking the fruit? What if she was supposed to have wisdom? What if she didn’t need to cover up all her girly parts with a fig leaf because someone was afraid of her? Because do you realize what that would mean? That would mean that we, the daughters of Eve, could have everything in the garden." — This is called heresy.
The cherry on top of the heretical sundae was, “Eve’s story is a story church men have told about a woman they have never met… If we free Eve from the false narrative that clings to her, we can free ourselves from our own." — Boy howdy. This is the problem with interpreting Scripture through your own lens.
In literally every chapter, Shannon writes that she could not be her true self but in reality I believe that her true self was there all along. It's crystal clear that she did not like doctrine, she hated authority, she did not value holiness, and she resented anyone who got in the way of her "fulfilling her dreams." In the name of "authenticity," she attacked people she never agreed with in the first place for "making" her change. Never mind that she chose to go to and join a church who affirmed things she didn't agree with - and when you join a church, you are publicly stating your agreement with their doctrinal statement and bylaws. Furthermore, Shannon chose to marry a man who toured the globe as an evangelical celebrity talking about high purity standards, so her disdain for the "rules" regarding sex and marriage only begs the question: "So, why did you marry him??" I mean, take some responsibility.
I absolutely believe that there are people who abuse women within the church. Been there, done that. But ultimately, the church is not the culprit. God is not the culprit. The problem is always, always, always the sinfulness of man. Shannon didn't talk of sin except in anger when her own sin was pointed out. She also has no authority to use God's Word to condone sin, so the chapters where she uses the Bible to excuse homosexuality and drunkenness cross a serious line.
Was Shannon fooled by Josh? Frankly, I think they both fooled themselves. I think both of them pretended to be people they were not until they could no longer sustain themselves - because only the Holy Spirit can produce truly righteous living and endurance in the faith. "The Woman They Wanted" reads like the Parable of the Sower in Matthew 13. When the pressure of life came, Josh and Shannon withered away, proving that they were not rooted after all (see Psalm 1; Matthew 7:21; John 15; Romans 8:9). My heart grieves for them, for their children, and for the thousands who are taking cues from their “deconstruction journey.”
The book ended with Shannon's attempt at celebrating her whole "self-discovery" thing, but the only thing I felt and still feel is a burden for her and for the masses who will read this book and conclude that Biblical Christianity is whatever they decide to make it. That is the illusion that truly needs shattering.
December 7, 2023
The Woman They Wanted: Shattering the Illusion of the Good Christian Wife is a poignant, powerful memoir by Shannon Harris. I listened to it on audiobook and it is narrated superbly by the author.
Harris walked away from her dreams of musical performance to marry a pastor of a mega-church. The church increasingly became more Calvinistic in its theology. Subjugation of women occurred and every action and behavior by Harris, and other women, was scrutinized and criticized.
Harris described the choice that women have to make---they have to choose between their soul or what society expects of them. She stated that fear is a cage.
After fifteen years of marriage and obedience to the church, Harris made the decision to leave her husband and her church.
I was not familiar with Joshua Harris, his books about dating, and the national purity movement until I researched him on Google.
Harris walked away from her dreams of musical performance to marry a pastor of a mega-church. The church increasingly became more Calvinistic in its theology. Subjugation of women occurred and every action and behavior by Harris, and other women, was scrutinized and criticized.
Harris described the choice that women have to make---they have to choose between their soul or what society expects of them. She stated that fear is a cage.
After fifteen years of marriage and obedience to the church, Harris made the decision to leave her husband and her church.
I was not familiar with Joshua Harris, his books about dating, and the national purity movement until I researched him on Google.
September 3, 2023
Whew. This is a heavy read - not only because of the hurtful things but the author went through during her years as a pastor’s wife, but also because she let these experiences drive her away from the true God. She writes flippantly about her supposed conversion, in terms that give the impression she never did reach a point of full surrender to God as a loving Creator. Clearly lacking any respect for Scripture, she says whoever thought up submission (umm, God?!) didn’t think through its ultimate effect on women. Most shocking of all, perhaps, is the way she turns the account of Adam and Eve’s original sin upside down, stating that it was a good thing for Eve to reach for what she wanted. Oy. The entire book is a jumble of cynical anti-Christian opinions and repetitive rants, especially in the second half.
I have a great deal of compassion for anyone who has experienced hurt at the hands of those who claim to know God. I know how much spiritual abuse hurts and how confusing it is, and I agree that the church as a whole has many problems. But the author’s victim mentality (taking no responsibility for the situations she walked into or the choices she made) and her continual glorification of selfishness (as if pursuing one’s dreams is the ultimate goal of life and the only way to achieve happiness) makes for a heartbreaking read. I hope she can find true healing and, in time, discover who God really is.
I have a great deal of compassion for anyone who has experienced hurt at the hands of those who claim to know God. I know how much spiritual abuse hurts and how confusing it is, and I agree that the church as a whole has many problems. But the author’s victim mentality (taking no responsibility for the situations she walked into or the choices she made) and her continual glorification of selfishness (as if pursuing one’s dreams is the ultimate goal of life and the only way to achieve happiness) makes for a heartbreaking read. I hope she can find true healing and, in time, discover who God really is.
September 6, 2023
The first time I ever heard of Shannon Harris was when one of her wedding photos appeared in a popular homeschooling magazine -- it showed her and Joshua Harris together in a posed position with barely-there smiles. The reason this wedding was such a big deal was because Joshua was the author of I Kissed Dating Goodbye, the courtship manifesto that was sweeping conservative Evangelicalism at the time. Many homeschooling parents would have cut off their right arm for the opportunity to marry a daughter off to Joshua Harris, so people were naturally curious about who he had married. I remember overhearing a couple of girls at a TeenPact meeting expressing disappointment that he had not married a fellow homeschooler. This may all sound a bit weird now, but if you were "there," you know.
Anyway... a lot has changed in twenty years. Joshua was senior pastor of Sovereign Grace Church, and after exiting there during an abuse cover-up scandal, he eventually pulled his book, got divorced, and deconverted from Christianity altogether.
I read this book because I wanted to hear Shannon's perspective on all of this. Even though I wasn't a part of her specific denomination, I am all too familiar with the Evangelical dynamic of men speaking and women nodding along silently (which she discusses too), so I was not surprised that there was a wealth of insight bottled up inside Shannon that simply hadn't been given a space to enter the world until now.
I will say that I'm not in the same place as her spiritually, and I don't agree with all of her conclusions. But I don't think that prevents me from appreciating this book for what it is, though it won't be for everyone. I really liked her succinct writing style that doesn't dwell on unnecessary descriptions but packs a punch into short chapters that weave a mostly linear path through her life experiences. This makes it a very quick read, but sometimes I wanted to pause and think about something before moving on. At times she steps back from the action and simply shares what she's learned about certain areas of life.
She shares about first coming to the church as an outsider and being swept into the culture, trying to become a "godly woman" and wife according to the ideology of the exclusively male leadership at her church. When her family finally departed that church, she was left in a fog of depression, so disconnected from herself that she didn't know what to believe anymore.
Some things that stood out to me:
I developed a little more sympathy for Joshua Harris -- I hadn't realized just how much he had been under CJ Mahaney's thumb. It probably felt normal to him. The degree of enmeshment and control described here must have been very difficult to get out from under. All through this story are descriptions of should-have-been red flags for when a church culture becomes toxic -- many of which Shannon had no basis to evaluate at the time because of her novice status.
Her description of her wedding adds a lot of context to the hyped up photos and announcements that were all most of us saw. She says the wedding was never really hers at all. She was not permitted to have her lifelong friends as bridesmaids, and many of the decisions were made by people other than her. Their courtship was short because Josh was a major figure in purity culture and "couldn't afford to make a mistake." Absolutely no one should be surprised at deconversions or scandals when people are pushed to try to live their actual lives that way.
Her story is not one of major bombshells or scandals, but more like a slow eating away of one woman's spirit, but also some of the realizations she has come to over the years. Occasionally she injects some humor into her insights, which helps to keep things from getting too heavy.
As I said, I can't get on board with every idea she presents, but I still really appreciate her sharing her story, and the invitation to think critically about what church and spirituality are for and why some ideologies have such a trail of mental/emotional/spiritual carnage behind them -- and what we should do about that.
I'll end with a quote I appreciated from page 215:
"I assumed the church understood love. I assumed it loved me, a woman. It never occurred to me that misogyny was a reason behind the teaching of submission. Or that shaming those living outside the box of patriarchal norms was really just a way of hiding hatred and fear. This has to be one of the greatest ironies of the church. To proclaim a Creator so loudly, yet disrespect the creation so deeply....
The institutional church must decide what their mandate is. If it is simply to make converts or fix those they believe to be broken, then perhaps they'll continue on with it brutally, as they have many times throughout history. But if the mandate is to love? Then they must first deal with their fear."
Anyway... a lot has changed in twenty years. Joshua was senior pastor of Sovereign Grace Church, and after exiting there during an abuse cover-up scandal, he eventually pulled his book, got divorced, and deconverted from Christianity altogether.
I read this book because I wanted to hear Shannon's perspective on all of this. Even though I wasn't a part of her specific denomination, I am all too familiar with the Evangelical dynamic of men speaking and women nodding along silently (which she discusses too), so I was not surprised that there was a wealth of insight bottled up inside Shannon that simply hadn't been given a space to enter the world until now.
I will say that I'm not in the same place as her spiritually, and I don't agree with all of her conclusions. But I don't think that prevents me from appreciating this book for what it is, though it won't be for everyone. I really liked her succinct writing style that doesn't dwell on unnecessary descriptions but packs a punch into short chapters that weave a mostly linear path through her life experiences. This makes it a very quick read, but sometimes I wanted to pause and think about something before moving on. At times she steps back from the action and simply shares what she's learned about certain areas of life.
She shares about first coming to the church as an outsider and being swept into the culture, trying to become a "godly woman" and wife according to the ideology of the exclusively male leadership at her church. When her family finally departed that church, she was left in a fog of depression, so disconnected from herself that she didn't know what to believe anymore.
Some things that stood out to me:
I developed a little more sympathy for Joshua Harris -- I hadn't realized just how much he had been under CJ Mahaney's thumb. It probably felt normal to him. The degree of enmeshment and control described here must have been very difficult to get out from under. All through this story are descriptions of should-have-been red flags for when a church culture becomes toxic -- many of which Shannon had no basis to evaluate at the time because of her novice status.
Her description of her wedding adds a lot of context to the hyped up photos and announcements that were all most of us saw. She says the wedding was never really hers at all. She was not permitted to have her lifelong friends as bridesmaids, and many of the decisions were made by people other than her. Their courtship was short because Josh was a major figure in purity culture and "couldn't afford to make a mistake." Absolutely no one should be surprised at deconversions or scandals when people are pushed to try to live their actual lives that way.
Her story is not one of major bombshells or scandals, but more like a slow eating away of one woman's spirit, but also some of the realizations she has come to over the years. Occasionally she injects some humor into her insights, which helps to keep things from getting too heavy.
As I said, I can't get on board with every idea she presents, but I still really appreciate her sharing her story, and the invitation to think critically about what church and spirituality are for and why some ideologies have such a trail of mental/emotional/spiritual carnage behind them -- and what we should do about that.
I'll end with a quote I appreciated from page 215:
"I assumed the church understood love. I assumed it loved me, a woman. It never occurred to me that misogyny was a reason behind the teaching of submission. Or that shaming those living outside the box of patriarchal norms was really just a way of hiding hatred and fear. This has to be one of the greatest ironies of the church. To proclaim a Creator so loudly, yet disrespect the creation so deeply....
The institutional church must decide what their mandate is. If it is simply to make converts or fix those they believe to be broken, then perhaps they'll continue on with it brutally, as they have many times throughout history. But if the mandate is to love? Then they must first deal with their fear."
September 13, 2023
I was really looking forward to this one because the previews made me believe this was going to be critical and incisive. Instead it's a quick and easy read but surprisingly lacking in depth and substance. It is Harris's right not to delve into the messier aspects of her ex-husband's legacy or the scandal that went down with Sovereign Grace Ministries. It is her right not to air her dirty laundry, and it is her right not to reflect deeply on her own contributions to her ex-husband's work (the book she cowrote with him isn't even mentioned), how her own position of power impacted those around her, and how she herself may have contributed to the toxic system she condemns.
But if that's the approach she wants to take, then what is even left to write about? You end up with this volume that is slim and repetitive, can't choose a tone or an audience (with the author randomly breaking the fourth wall), or even a genre. Is this an essay collection? A memoir? Self help? Turns out it's a little of everything and unfortunately amounts to less than the sum of its parts. I was astonished by how poorly this was edited. There is no direction here and barely a thesis. And what is there has been written about more skillfully and effectively elsewhere.
Even as a memoir this fails to deliver because Harris seems to want to keep her deepest realizations so close to the chest. Even the most softball of self-condemnations are avoided: her only commentary on spanking her kids is that "we know better now" and that she "wouldn't do it again". How hard is it to say "I was wrong"? About literally anything other than not trusting herself? She can't seem to take responsibility even when it would cost next to nothing and despite the book's insistence that women are at times participants in their own oppression.
It feels preachy. It appears to be deep by talking about difficult subjects without the willingness to truly emotionally engage with them, which ironically is very reminiscent of my experiences in church. And I find this is a common thread with exvangelical writers, particularly by those who formerly had power or proximity to power. You take the Christianity, God, and religion out of the equation but all the same problems are leftover: people who are not qualified telling other people how to live their lives. The lack of self reflection is disappointing. And I don't doubt she arrived there in private. Clearly she went on a whole journey. She just doesn't take us there with her.
This book is probably for someone, but it wasn't for me.
But if that's the approach she wants to take, then what is even left to write about? You end up with this volume that is slim and repetitive, can't choose a tone or an audience (with the author randomly breaking the fourth wall), or even a genre. Is this an essay collection? A memoir? Self help? Turns out it's a little of everything and unfortunately amounts to less than the sum of its parts. I was astonished by how poorly this was edited. There is no direction here and barely a thesis. And what is there has been written about more skillfully and effectively elsewhere.
Even as a memoir this fails to deliver because Harris seems to want to keep her deepest realizations so close to the chest. Even the most softball of self-condemnations are avoided: her only commentary on spanking her kids is that "we know better now" and that she "wouldn't do it again". How hard is it to say "I was wrong"? About literally anything other than not trusting herself? She can't seem to take responsibility even when it would cost next to nothing and despite the book's insistence that women are at times participants in their own oppression.
It feels preachy. It appears to be deep by talking about difficult subjects without the willingness to truly emotionally engage with them, which ironically is very reminiscent of my experiences in church. And I find this is a common thread with exvangelical writers, particularly by those who formerly had power or proximity to power. You take the Christianity, God, and religion out of the equation but all the same problems are leftover: people who are not qualified telling other people how to live their lives. The lack of self reflection is disappointing. And I don't doubt she arrived there in private. Clearly she went on a whole journey. She just doesn't take us there with her.
This book is probably for someone, but it wasn't for me.
September 18, 2023
I plan to write a more in-depth review of this book because I believe it will be a landmark deconstruction story for millennial complementarian women. Shannon’s experience is no doubt going to resonate with many of the women who were under the influence of Josh Harris’ brand of purity culture and have since abandoned complementarian theology or left the faith altogether. Her story will serve as a proof-text for those who are looking to have their stories validated and their apostasy assuaged. If it happened to Shannon, the wife of Josh Harris (I Kissed Dating Goodbye) in CJ Mahaney’s church, under Carolyn Mahaney’s influence (Feminine Appeal), then it must be the prototypical experience of complementarian theology.
To keep it somewhat brief here, I just want to say this: Shannon’s story makes it clear that she was never a genuine convert. I do not say that with glee, nor do I say it with spite, but it is an essential truth in making sense of her story.
Shannon lived crushed under the weight of hypocrisy, but the weight of the hypocrisy was primarily her own. I have no doubt that she endured much pain and sorrow because of the hypocrisy of others, especially that of her then-husband. Legalism, self-righteousness, and pharisaical living permeated her life, and it is no wonder that led to a deep despair. This is not the way it is meant to be.
Her book, while a memoir, makes many claims about the church at large, about Scripture, and about biblical womanhood. She attempts to fend off critique by saying that those who would do so are just afraid to truly hear her because of “what it might cost them.” (p.322) Alas, that ad-hominem attempt does not exempt her arguments from examination and critique.
It is important for the reader to understand that the claims she is making come from someone who did not truly experience the saving and transformative power of Jesus Christ, which is the bedrock of the Christian faith. She did not write of any personal spiritual transformation, and in fact, she repeatedly referred to her time in the church as a performance. In speaking of her conversion she says “I also wasn’t sure how sorry a person needed to be in this case, but I did the best I could. In exchange for my awful deeds, I promised God my devotion.” (p. 77) There were six mentions of Jesus throughout the book, none of them in reference to a personal faith or trust in Him, nor of His work in salvation, no mentions of the Holy Spirit, nor any of the gospel. The mentions of God are generic and often mocking or disdainful.
In reading Shannon’s story, remember it is just that, her story. It is not an academic or theological criticism (and to her credit, she does not claim that is) of the Christian faith. Her experience is not even reflective of genuine faith, but rather chronicles the exhaustion and disappointment that comes from building a life by pretending to be something you are not.
The Christian faith is impossible to live out without the indwelling of the Holy Spirit. The commands given by Scripture are not burdensome to those who have been set free from their bondage of sin. If you do not trust in Christ, depend on Christ, and live in the power of Christ, you will find yourself utterly burned out by trying to attain the standards of Christ. This is the point of the gospel…it’s why Christ’s life, death, and resurrection is “good news.” The law shows us that we cannot obey, that we are weak and needy and unable to be righteous by our own merit.
But the law is not the whole story. This is not where the gospel ends. It ends with a Savior. It ends with grace. With Jesus Christ becoming a man to fulfill the law through perfect obedience and to then lay down his life in our place so that we might be regarded as one who had his righteousness. It ends with the resurrection from the dead; the imparting of new life to those who will put their trust and faith solely in Christ.
Thus, the obedience of a believer is not burdensome, because it is not done out of a need to achieve righteousness. Adherence to biblical standards is done out of an overflow of love for God because of the love we have received from God. It is empowered by the Spirit, not the flesh. Our identity is not found in our own righteousness, but rather in the righteousness of Christ.
I am sorry for Shannon’s experience in the church, for the heavy burdens that were put on her shoulders—by herself, her husband, and others. It is a heartbreaking story, the end is not one of redemption. In rejecting Christ and the truth of Christianity, there is no hope for thriving and flourishing. Know that it does not have to be your story, for the gospel gives us a better way.
To keep it somewhat brief here, I just want to say this: Shannon’s story makes it clear that she was never a genuine convert. I do not say that with glee, nor do I say it with spite, but it is an essential truth in making sense of her story.
Shannon lived crushed under the weight of hypocrisy, but the weight of the hypocrisy was primarily her own. I have no doubt that she endured much pain and sorrow because of the hypocrisy of others, especially that of her then-husband. Legalism, self-righteousness, and pharisaical living permeated her life, and it is no wonder that led to a deep despair. This is not the way it is meant to be.
Her book, while a memoir, makes many claims about the church at large, about Scripture, and about biblical womanhood. She attempts to fend off critique by saying that those who would do so are just afraid to truly hear her because of “what it might cost them.” (p.322) Alas, that ad-hominem attempt does not exempt her arguments from examination and critique.
It is important for the reader to understand that the claims she is making come from someone who did not truly experience the saving and transformative power of Jesus Christ, which is the bedrock of the Christian faith. She did not write of any personal spiritual transformation, and in fact, she repeatedly referred to her time in the church as a performance. In speaking of her conversion she says “I also wasn’t sure how sorry a person needed to be in this case, but I did the best I could. In exchange for my awful deeds, I promised God my devotion.” (p. 77) There were six mentions of Jesus throughout the book, none of them in reference to a personal faith or trust in Him, nor of His work in salvation, no mentions of the Holy Spirit, nor any of the gospel. The mentions of God are generic and often mocking or disdainful.
In reading Shannon’s story, remember it is just that, her story. It is not an academic or theological criticism (and to her credit, she does not claim that is) of the Christian faith. Her experience is not even reflective of genuine faith, but rather chronicles the exhaustion and disappointment that comes from building a life by pretending to be something you are not.
The Christian faith is impossible to live out without the indwelling of the Holy Spirit. The commands given by Scripture are not burdensome to those who have been set free from their bondage of sin. If you do not trust in Christ, depend on Christ, and live in the power of Christ, you will find yourself utterly burned out by trying to attain the standards of Christ. This is the point of the gospel…it’s why Christ’s life, death, and resurrection is “good news.” The law shows us that we cannot obey, that we are weak and needy and unable to be righteous by our own merit.
But the law is not the whole story. This is not where the gospel ends. It ends with a Savior. It ends with grace. With Jesus Christ becoming a man to fulfill the law through perfect obedience and to then lay down his life in our place so that we might be regarded as one who had his righteousness. It ends with the resurrection from the dead; the imparting of new life to those who will put their trust and faith solely in Christ.
Thus, the obedience of a believer is not burdensome, because it is not done out of a need to achieve righteousness. Adherence to biblical standards is done out of an overflow of love for God because of the love we have received from God. It is empowered by the Spirit, not the flesh. Our identity is not found in our own righteousness, but rather in the righteousness of Christ.
I am sorry for Shannon’s experience in the church, for the heavy burdens that were put on her shoulders—by herself, her husband, and others. It is a heartbreaking story, the end is not one of redemption. In rejecting Christ and the truth of Christianity, there is no hope for thriving and flourishing. Know that it does not have to be your story, for the gospel gives us a better way.
August 29, 2023
Link to Original Review.
The Woman They Wanted: Shattering the Illusion of the Good Christian Wife is a beautiful, heartbreaking, and vulnerable memoir. Shannon Harris was married to author and pastor, Joshua Harris, who wrote several popular books, including I Kissed Dating Goodbye and Boy Meets Girl. Many of us who were raised in church were exposed to Josh’s books during our teen years. His philosophies were widely touted by youth leaders during the height of purity culture and I remember his books being available in church bookstores. He has since pulled them from publication and has apologized for the harm they have caused. Now Shannon is opening up and bravely telling her own story. I’ve been anticipating the release of her new memoir and finished reading it in just a few hours. It’s a quick and easy read and her writing style is engaging.
Shannon shares her experiences with honesty and wisdom, and in a way that I imagine will leave a lot of women feeling like she is telling their stories too. I related to so many of the things she wrote about, and my heart hurt with her as she described the gradual whittling away of who she was by people in positions of power. So many women and people in marginalized groups are all-too-familiar with the diminishment of personhood that often comes with trying to fit into (or being stuffed into) the elusive church-shaped mold that promises us belonging and acceptance…and all of the anxiety, illness, and necessary healing that eventually result from grating off or hiding pieces of ourselves to try to make our bodies fit where they aren’t meant to.
It took courage and a lot of inner work to tell her story so faithfully, and I commend her for it.
For those who can relate to parts of Shannon’s story, this memoir will leave you feeling seen, empowered, knowing that you are not alone, and brimming with compassion for someone whose pain you can empathize with as you see pieces of your own story in hers. For those who cannot relate, Shannon’s story serves as a poignant reminder that there are many people within the Body of Christ whose experiences may have been vastly different than your own. It is my hope that reading this memoir will stir up compassion and a desire to cultivate faith communities where Body-induced wounds no longer need healing because they are no longer being inflicted.
“The first revelation I had the year I sat in bed was that I had made a deal without realizing it when I entered the church and when I married my husband - a deal with patriarchy, if you will. And while I had upheld my end of it, the men I’d made the deal with had not upheld theirs.
They wanted me to submit and follow, and I did. I’d embraced their ideas, and I’d done my part of the work. I stayed home, supported my husband, and raised the children. I’d gotten up every morning and tried my best to fulfill patriarchy’s dreams - the dream of male leadership. In return, the men of the church had promised to protect and love me. But they did not do that.
They did not protect or cherish me. They did not acknowledge the whole me. How can someone protect or cherish something they don’t even see? Or don’t wish to see? I had no voice or place in their world. The real me was punished and tamed like Eve…”
The Woman They Wanted: Shattering the Illusion of the Good Christian Wife is a beautiful, heartbreaking, and vulnerable memoir. Shannon Harris was married to author and pastor, Joshua Harris, who wrote several popular books, including I Kissed Dating Goodbye and Boy Meets Girl. Many of us who were raised in church were exposed to Josh’s books during our teen years. His philosophies were widely touted by youth leaders during the height of purity culture and I remember his books being available in church bookstores. He has since pulled them from publication and has apologized for the harm they have caused. Now Shannon is opening up and bravely telling her own story. I’ve been anticipating the release of her new memoir and finished reading it in just a few hours. It’s a quick and easy read and her writing style is engaging.
Shannon shares her experiences with honesty and wisdom, and in a way that I imagine will leave a lot of women feeling like she is telling their stories too. I related to so many of the things she wrote about, and my heart hurt with her as she described the gradual whittling away of who she was by people in positions of power. So many women and people in marginalized groups are all-too-familiar with the diminishment of personhood that often comes with trying to fit into (or being stuffed into) the elusive church-shaped mold that promises us belonging and acceptance…and all of the anxiety, illness, and necessary healing that eventually result from grating off or hiding pieces of ourselves to try to make our bodies fit where they aren’t meant to.
It took courage and a lot of inner work to tell her story so faithfully, and I commend her for it.
For those who can relate to parts of Shannon’s story, this memoir will leave you feeling seen, empowered, knowing that you are not alone, and brimming with compassion for someone whose pain you can empathize with as you see pieces of your own story in hers. For those who cannot relate, Shannon’s story serves as a poignant reminder that there are many people within the Body of Christ whose experiences may have been vastly different than your own. It is my hope that reading this memoir will stir up compassion and a desire to cultivate faith communities where Body-induced wounds no longer need healing because they are no longer being inflicted.
September 5, 2023
It appears people don’t like this book because Shannon’s theology and orthodoxy has changed and it has riled the feathers of those who believe they are the “true” interpretation of scripture.
Personally I don’t care about the dogma part
As someone who was raised in purity culture and read I kissed dating goodbye I was curious to her take on the culture and being one of the leaders- unfortunately this book had less to do with that. I wanted a deeper snap shot of her struggles and what it was like and she wrote more about her opinion and series of events that had her leave evangelical Christianity in a very philosophical way. I guess I was looking for more tabloid hot goss- this was pretty tame and lacked the feminine rage I was looking for. But maybe she doesn’t feel that way.
If you have read the dance of the dissonant daughter - you have read this book.
Personally I don’t care about the dogma part
As someone who was raised in purity culture and read I kissed dating goodbye I was curious to her take on the culture and being one of the leaders- unfortunately this book had less to do with that. I wanted a deeper snap shot of her struggles and what it was like and she wrote more about her opinion and series of events that had her leave evangelical Christianity in a very philosophical way. I guess I was looking for more tabloid hot goss- this was pretty tame and lacked the feminine rage I was looking for. But maybe she doesn’t feel that way.
If you have read the dance of the dissonant daughter - you have read this book.
September 13, 2023
Idk, maybe Shannon wrote this too soon? It felt like she was very intentionally trying not to air any of hers and Josh's dirty laundry. She succeeded! She also wrote a book with very little depth. Each chapter is a couple of paragraphs long and it introduces some aspect of herself or her life just enough to make you think you're finally going to get into the meat of the book, then the chapter abruptly ends and it moves on to something new.
January 27, 2023
I read a pre-release copy of this book, and this is an astonishing memoir that I hope will be widely read, especially in religiously conservative circles. I'm thankful for Shannon's bravery and honesty in telling her story.
January 17, 2026
Shannon Harris's memoir "The Woman They Wanted" is a heart-breaking but ultimately inspiring story of a "tradwife" who escapes the submissive role of a rigidly-interpreted Scriptural-based marriage to her pastor-husband, Joshua Harris. It is also the story of being swept up in something over which one has no control and riding it out in the hopes that one can someday take control of the reins. In Shannon's case, she finally did take control of her life, but it was at the cost of her friends, her church, and her husband.
Shannon and Joshua Harris in happier times. Despite the divorce, Shannon maintains a friendship with Joshua, and they still co-parent their three children.
There has been---based on what I've read on Goodreads, anyway---harsh criticism of this memoir and of Shannon herself for writing this book. My observation is that most of the people making the harshest criticisms seem to be evangelical Christians who resent Shannon for choosing to leave the church. Much of their reviews read like a highly judgmental castigation of a perceived "attack" on Christianity or a false claim that Shannon's very legitimate grievances are nothing more than petulant whining. All of it, of course, boils down to an attempt to silence Shannon and put her in her place.
The only thing Shannon can be accused of in this memoir is wanting to be happy. In her marriage, in her role as church leader, and as a human being. That is certainly not too much to ask.
Shannon's book also becomes an admirable love letter and "apology" to her mother, who warned her early, before she was married, that she felt that Shannon was rushing into something and that Joshua---and the large mega-church that he ultimately became pastor of---was not the right fit for her.
Say what you will, Shannon (she dropped her married name and reclaimed her maiden name, Bonne) went through a horrific two decades in a marriage and a role she was not prepared for, knew from the outset was problemmatic, and yet continued to participate in for the sake of her children and husband. The irony is that she strived to be the perfect wife/mother/servant for a church that ultimately didn't even give a shit.
In 2018, Shannon was able to release her first album, self-titled, to positive reviews. Her music career had been put on hold indefinitely after getting married and being told by the church that her career and interests were less important than her husband's
Shannon and Joshua Harris in happier times. Despite the divorce, Shannon maintains a friendship with Joshua, and they still co-parent their three children.
There has been---based on what I've read on Goodreads, anyway---harsh criticism of this memoir and of Shannon herself for writing this book. My observation is that most of the people making the harshest criticisms seem to be evangelical Christians who resent Shannon for choosing to leave the church. Much of their reviews read like a highly judgmental castigation of a perceived "attack" on Christianity or a false claim that Shannon's very legitimate grievances are nothing more than petulant whining. All of it, of course, boils down to an attempt to silence Shannon and put her in her place.
The only thing Shannon can be accused of in this memoir is wanting to be happy. In her marriage, in her role as church leader, and as a human being. That is certainly not too much to ask.
Shannon's book also becomes an admirable love letter and "apology" to her mother, who warned her early, before she was married, that she felt that Shannon was rushing into something and that Joshua---and the large mega-church that he ultimately became pastor of---was not the right fit for her.
Say what you will, Shannon (she dropped her married name and reclaimed her maiden name, Bonne) went through a horrific two decades in a marriage and a role she was not prepared for, knew from the outset was problemmatic, and yet continued to participate in for the sake of her children and husband. The irony is that she strived to be the perfect wife/mother/servant for a church that ultimately didn't even give a shit.
In 2018, Shannon was able to release her first album, self-titled, to positive reviews. Her music career had been put on hold indefinitely after getting married and being told by the church that her career and interests were less important than her husband's
October 20, 2023
So this is not necessarily my normal fare on here, but I grew up in a community very much impacted by Joshua Harris and the anti-dating book he wrote: I Kissed Dating Goodbye. Having been intrigued by the moves he and his wife have taken away from their church, I wanted to read Shannon Harris’s story in her own words.
Shannon has written such a lovely and well-written memoir here about her experiences as a pastor’s wife in a large church and the way that this position impacted her personally, her marriage, and her family. She manages to let her voice be heard still with the utmost respect for others involved (well…maybe not toward one person, but certainly she’s kind to her husband)
What is unique about this book is that it truly is so personal. Shannon is not out to debate with anyone about the tenets of Christian doctrine. It’s true that she has opinions (what on earth would be the point of writing or reading this book if not), and that she expresses quite clearly her opinion on her church’s doctrine about the submission of women and also about total depravity (the idea that all humans are born as depraved sinners without a chance at redemption or goodness without god). However Shannon starts the book by saying that this is her experience, not a generalization about every denomination of Christianity.
A lot of people, when they leave the church, can swing in the opposite direction, but still latch onto something else with extreme certainty, just as they latched onto the church with certainty, but I loved that Shannon doesn’t do that. She makes her questions clear, and she also makes clear that she’s not certain, that she doesn’t have all the answers.
I think that plenty of people (in certain groups) will call this book selfish. I don’t think they’re wrong, and I don’t think based on the book that I read that Shannon would disagree with them. It is selfish to put yourself first when you’ve spent two decades shrinking yourself. A lot of evangelical Christian doctrine focuses on denying the self, distrusting self. It makes sense that people who still believe that doctrine will not like a book about a woman cutting ties with that doctrine.
Obviously…I found that refreshing. I find it extremely odd that people are taught to hide themselves, to shrink themselves, to distrust themselves and their own intuition. I loved Shannon’s reclamation of self. She needed to be selfish to stop fading away, and I’m glad she was.
Now onto another elephant in the room:
I don’t do this a lot because normally I am very content to let different reviews go, so this is only the second time on Goodreads I’ve included info about other reviews in my own, but it should just straight up be said: the top 1 star reviews on here were never reading this book with the intention of having an open mind or of giving a high rating. Do not let them impact your interest in this book. When you read them, you will certainly see this, as their only address of what Shannon actually says in the book is in order to talk about how unbiblical and self-centered her opinions are.
This makes me laugh because…at what point did Shannon claim to be writing a book from the perspective of Christian orthodoxy? It’s pretty clear she’s stepped outside of that, and to be frank, no longer seems to care. And she begins her memoir by saying that this is HER experience, not a generalization about all of Christianity. She never makes the claim that she could cover all of the sects and beliefs under that umbrella.
What I wish people could do is simply read someone’s words and not have to cover anything that makes them uncomfortable with the phrases they’ve learned in church. “It’s her sin” or “she wasn’t truly saved” - all of this so widely misses the point of Shannon’s book that it borders on the absurd. Arguing with someone’s opinion of her experience with church and it’s treatment of women with verses from the book that was used to justify that treatment…A+. Not sure you’re making the point you think you are.
It’s clear many of the top 1 star reviews are written from a place of fear when in reality, if people were actually ok with women coming to their own conclusions about what’s best for their lives, it would be fine for Shannon to come to her own conclusions.
The fact is, the doctrine she followed and that I have to presume many of these people follow is NOT ok with a woman coming to her own conclusions, thus proving her points.
Shannon has written such a lovely and well-written memoir here about her experiences as a pastor’s wife in a large church and the way that this position impacted her personally, her marriage, and her family. She manages to let her voice be heard still with the utmost respect for others involved (well…maybe not toward one person, but certainly she’s kind to her husband)
What is unique about this book is that it truly is so personal. Shannon is not out to debate with anyone about the tenets of Christian doctrine. It’s true that she has opinions (what on earth would be the point of writing or reading this book if not), and that she expresses quite clearly her opinion on her church’s doctrine about the submission of women and also about total depravity (the idea that all humans are born as depraved sinners without a chance at redemption or goodness without god). However Shannon starts the book by saying that this is her experience, not a generalization about every denomination of Christianity.
A lot of people, when they leave the church, can swing in the opposite direction, but still latch onto something else with extreme certainty, just as they latched onto the church with certainty, but I loved that Shannon doesn’t do that. She makes her questions clear, and she also makes clear that she’s not certain, that she doesn’t have all the answers.
I think that plenty of people (in certain groups) will call this book selfish. I don’t think they’re wrong, and I don’t think based on the book that I read that Shannon would disagree with them. It is selfish to put yourself first when you’ve spent two decades shrinking yourself. A lot of evangelical Christian doctrine focuses on denying the self, distrusting self. It makes sense that people who still believe that doctrine will not like a book about a woman cutting ties with that doctrine.
Obviously…I found that refreshing. I find it extremely odd that people are taught to hide themselves, to shrink themselves, to distrust themselves and their own intuition. I loved Shannon’s reclamation of self. She needed to be selfish to stop fading away, and I’m glad she was.
Now onto another elephant in the room:
I don’t do this a lot because normally I am very content to let different reviews go, so this is only the second time on Goodreads I’ve included info about other reviews in my own, but it should just straight up be said: the top 1 star reviews on here were never reading this book with the intention of having an open mind or of giving a high rating. Do not let them impact your interest in this book. When you read them, you will certainly see this, as their only address of what Shannon actually says in the book is in order to talk about how unbiblical and self-centered her opinions are.
This makes me laugh because…at what point did Shannon claim to be writing a book from the perspective of Christian orthodoxy? It’s pretty clear she’s stepped outside of that, and to be frank, no longer seems to care. And she begins her memoir by saying that this is HER experience, not a generalization about all of Christianity. She never makes the claim that she could cover all of the sects and beliefs under that umbrella.
What I wish people could do is simply read someone’s words and not have to cover anything that makes them uncomfortable with the phrases they’ve learned in church. “It’s her sin” or “she wasn’t truly saved” - all of this so widely misses the point of Shannon’s book that it borders on the absurd. Arguing with someone’s opinion of her experience with church and it’s treatment of women with verses from the book that was used to justify that treatment…A+. Not sure you’re making the point you think you are.
It’s clear many of the top 1 star reviews are written from a place of fear when in reality, if people were actually ok with women coming to their own conclusions about what’s best for their lives, it would be fine for Shannon to come to her own conclusions.
The fact is, the doctrine she followed and that I have to presume many of these people follow is NOT ok with a woman coming to her own conclusions, thus proving her points.
December 20, 2023
I feel like my rating should come with a disclaimer:
I hate what happened to Shannon Harris. I can't imagine the pressure placed on her to have the 'perfect marriage.' Add in a toxic church environment, burnout, and the Harris name, and it is little wonder she ended up where she did.
That doesn't mean I agree with where she landed theologically or think she's done with her journey. She is still a woman in transition. She didn't have all the answers at 24; she doesn't at 47 either. And that's okay. She might come to a different perspective in twenty years. That's part of growing.
What I did appreciate about this book:
I appreciate how vulnerable Shannon is. She is shockingly raw at times. She married the poster-boy of the courtship movement and experienced in macro the disillusionment many found in micro. And she is willing to delve into that quite publicly in this book.
I appreciate that she doesn't villainize her ex husband. It would be quite easy for her to do so. Clearly her marriage ended for a reason. She points to many of the double standards and expectations that existed between the two of them. But for the most part, she goes out of her way to highlight the ways he also was young and ill advised.
She is less understanding of lead pastor or his wife at the church where her husband pastored for many years. Clearly there is a lot of hurt there. Much of the pressure to be a "good Christian wife" that she carried with her came from the toxic environment they created.
Again, though, it felt like a macro picture of a familiar story I have read or heard from others in similar positions. Just not usually so extreme.
I appreciate how imminently readable this book is. My hold came in from the library and I read it in one sitting. I didn't want to put it down! The short chapters really make it fly by.
I think I will need to give this one a re-read to fully articulate my thoughts. But I did appreciate what it offered and Shannon's willingness to let readers in to the hurt.
I hate what happened to Shannon Harris. I can't imagine the pressure placed on her to have the 'perfect marriage.' Add in a toxic church environment, burnout, and the Harris name, and it is little wonder she ended up where she did.
That doesn't mean I agree with where she landed theologically or think she's done with her journey. She is still a woman in transition. She didn't have all the answers at 24; she doesn't at 47 either. And that's okay. She might come to a different perspective in twenty years. That's part of growing.
What I did appreciate about this book:
I appreciate how vulnerable Shannon is. She is shockingly raw at times. She married the poster-boy of the courtship movement and experienced in macro the disillusionment many found in micro. And she is willing to delve into that quite publicly in this book.
I appreciate that she doesn't villainize her ex husband. It would be quite easy for her to do so. Clearly her marriage ended for a reason. She points to many of the double standards and expectations that existed between the two of them. But for the most part, she goes out of her way to highlight the ways he also was young and ill advised.
She is less understanding of lead pastor or his wife at the church where her husband pastored for many years. Clearly there is a lot of hurt there. Much of the pressure to be a "good Christian wife" that she carried with her came from the toxic environment they created.
Again, though, it felt like a macro picture of a familiar story I have read or heard from others in similar positions. Just not usually so extreme.
I appreciate how imminently readable this book is. My hold came in from the library and I read it in one sitting. I didn't want to put it down! The short chapters really make it fly by.
I think I will need to give this one a re-read to fully articulate my thoughts. But I did appreciate what it offered and Shannon's willingness to let readers in to the hurt.
September 29, 2023
I read and soaked up I Kissed Dating Goodbye many, many years ago, so I felt like I’d come full circle (and entered the twilight zone) reading and soaking up this memoir. I so appreciate Shannon Harris telling her story and experiences. I have reached different conclusions than she has, but I strongly feel that listening to her story (and the stories of others I know with similar experiences) is a way to push back against the unhealthy control that some fundamentalist churches seek to maintain over their members.
Read
December 9, 2023This book is hard to read. It is full of raw grief and a bitter edge of lost time. It makes me sad because I think it will be read by two polarized sides who won't enter into a vital conversation. One side will dismiss Shannon's story because her strong grief over loss of self led to her disillusionment with Christianity. They will say she has a heart problem, she is too emotional, and she isn't embracing a biblical view of anthropology. The other will embrace everything Shannon says against conservatism and complementarianism, villainizing the complementarian side.
I wish instead it could lead to a conversation and a seeking for understanding.
Some sentences we would do well to consider:
"Immature boys were under tremendous pressure to be leaders, and immature girls were under pressure to be followers."
"I was beginning to see double standards everywhere. For instance, spending money on career training, projects, and education was considered a worthwhile investment for him in a way that it wasn't for me. Conversations about what he wanted for the future led to changes in our reality, while conversations about what I wanted for the future remained as conversations."
"I'd gotten up every morning and tried my best to fulfill patriarchy's dreams--the dream of male leadership. In return, the men of the church had promised to protect and love me. But they did not do that."
Shannon's story is not an uncommon one. The church could be part of the healing instead of the thing women like Shannon have to heal from. I hope to be part of bringing about that reality.
I wish instead it could lead to a conversation and a seeking for understanding.
Some sentences we would do well to consider:
"Immature boys were under tremendous pressure to be leaders, and immature girls were under pressure to be followers."
"I was beginning to see double standards everywhere. For instance, spending money on career training, projects, and education was considered a worthwhile investment for him in a way that it wasn't for me. Conversations about what he wanted for the future led to changes in our reality, while conversations about what I wanted for the future remained as conversations."
"I'd gotten up every morning and tried my best to fulfill patriarchy's dreams--the dream of male leadership. In return, the men of the church had promised to protect and love me. But they did not do that."
Shannon's story is not an uncommon one. The church could be part of the healing instead of the thing women like Shannon have to heal from. I hope to be part of bringing about that reality.
August 21, 2023
“The Women they wanted” by Shannon Harris.
It’s hard for me to get too far into reviewing this beautiful book without getting too deep into my own life. Shannon’s memoir is about her life within the same religious organization that I grew up in. I know many of the people she refers to in this book, I experienced much of what she describes (though not in the public eye like she did). I listened to Shannon sing church songs on my Walkman, saw her at events and we followed her then husband’s books, well religiously.
I was kind of nervous to dive into this one, I’ve removed myself so far from our past I wasn’t particularly looking to jump back into triggering memories.
But Shannon did an incredible job of speaking through to destructive power, of validating so many women’s experiences in the controlling religious environments and bringing hopeful reminders of our rights and freedom.
I didn’t feel triggered, I felt embraced and seen.
Shannon, thank you so so much for doing this work, for putting this out into the world. So many of us need this.
So many of her words (like pg 220) feel very timely as I’ve taken the leap to start my own business, for no other reason besides the fact that I wanted to.
Whether you’ve had religious trauma or not, this book is a beautiful story of resiliency of a women coming home to herself. And it’s generally interesting because we really lived through some strange stuff. 🙃
It’s hard for me to get too far into reviewing this beautiful book without getting too deep into my own life. Shannon’s memoir is about her life within the same religious organization that I grew up in. I know many of the people she refers to in this book, I experienced much of what she describes (though not in the public eye like she did). I listened to Shannon sing church songs on my Walkman, saw her at events and we followed her then husband’s books, well religiously.
I was kind of nervous to dive into this one, I’ve removed myself so far from our past I wasn’t particularly looking to jump back into triggering memories.
But Shannon did an incredible job of speaking through to destructive power, of validating so many women’s experiences in the controlling religious environments and bringing hopeful reminders of our rights and freedom.
I didn’t feel triggered, I felt embraced and seen.
Shannon, thank you so so much for doing this work, for putting this out into the world. So many of us need this.
So many of her words (like pg 220) feel very timely as I’ve taken the leap to start my own business, for no other reason besides the fact that I wanted to.
Whether you’ve had religious trauma or not, this book is a beautiful story of resiliency of a women coming home to herself. And it’s generally interesting because we really lived through some strange stuff. 🙃
August 1, 2025
This book made me very sad.
I read “I Kissed Dating Goodbye” as a young teen, so this book from the perspective of Joshua’s wife, fascinated me.
I have no doubt the author experienced church hurt. Her experiences were not healthy, and the church she attended seemed to have a great deal of error in their teaching. I resonated with some of her story, because the church I grew up in wasn’t perfect either.
But what made me so sad is how, as she wrestled through her experiences and pain, she left Christianity all together. Her healing was “within herself and her own truth”.
It makes me wonder if she ever truly experienced a relationship with Jesus, and felt His incredible love and and redemption for her life.
Jesus takes our hurts and our pain and redeems us and makes us beautiful. We aren’t good enough or strong enough to do it ourselves and the world around us is broken… but Jesus is the Redeemer. He is Peace.
I wish Ms Harris could experience that Jesus.
I read “I Kissed Dating Goodbye” as a young teen, so this book from the perspective of Joshua’s wife, fascinated me.
I have no doubt the author experienced church hurt. Her experiences were not healthy, and the church she attended seemed to have a great deal of error in their teaching. I resonated with some of her story, because the church I grew up in wasn’t perfect either.
But what made me so sad is how, as she wrestled through her experiences and pain, she left Christianity all together. Her healing was “within herself and her own truth”.
It makes me wonder if she ever truly experienced a relationship with Jesus, and felt His incredible love and and redemption for her life.
Jesus takes our hurts and our pain and redeems us and makes us beautiful. We aren’t good enough or strong enough to do it ourselves and the world around us is broken… but Jesus is the Redeemer. He is Peace.
I wish Ms Harris could experience that Jesus.
August 30, 2023
This account of Shannon Harris’s journey “down the rabbit hole” into a traditional evangelical church manages to be devastating, bitingly funny, and beautifully descriptive all at once. I found echoes of my own church experiences in Shannon’s story- some that had perhaps been forgotten or I hadn’t been able to find words for. Shannon, thank you for taking a risk and going “all in” (again) to give us this stunning piece of work. I know that a book this honest can’t have been easy to write, but it’s one that is going to stay with me for a long time.
November 3, 2023
Reading The Woman They Wanted reminded me of watching episodes of The Crown when Dianna is vetted, ill-prepared, and then disillusioned and abandoned in her princess role. Like Dianna, Shannon Bonne seemed very unprepared to become Joshua Harris’s wife, as he was groomed to replace the lead pastor of a mega-church ministry. She admits she never had a clear conversion experience and didn’t recall any meaningful spiritual experiences or connection to God. “I got saved on the premise of shame,” she confesses. Readers may wonder about her motivations for giving up her dreams in music and theater to marry Harris, and if her faith experience was really genuine.
On the subject of her career aspirations, the book centers on Harris’s theory that giving up those dreams is what made her so unhappy and that in pursuing those dreams, she will find the key to happiness. But this betrays the fact that a lot of people have to forgo a dream or change course for a variety of reasons, and they find ways to cope with the disappointment. Furthermore, a career won’t fulfill you or give you ultimate purpose and value any more than marriage or motherhood will. Readers may wonder if Harris will find ultimate happiness now, in her book or in the “one woman show” she is now creating.
Although Harris states she loved her husband, she also admits, “It was a situation where a man and his pastor decided it was time to get married.” She confesses that she did not marry her husband, but the church. “It was crowded on the stage where I gave my vows. The man I chose was already betrothed to an audience and a pastor.”
Harris uses a casual, almost irreverent tone in the book which belies the depth of the religious trauma and intense depression she experienced. At times I wondered if her tone was a defense mechanism to protect herself from her trauma. For example, she paints her childhood and her “wonderful” parents in a rosy light and seems in denial about the effects of their divorce and her mother living away from her (choosing to live in another state while Harris and her brother remained with their dad).
I was disappointed that Harris rarely mentions her marriage and kids. The book is mostly about the church and her own inner thoughts, struggles, and reactions to religion. Understandably, she may be preserving her children and ex-husband’s privacy, yet she also admits she forgot about her children and rarely acknowledges the harm and religious trauma she caused them too. As a purity culture survivor, I wanted Harris to acknowledge her role in her husband’s perpetuation of harmful purity and courtship culture teachings. She did not. She co-authored one of his books, yet she fails to repent of the harm in which she participated.
This is a difficult book to read and review, because I feel much sadness for Harris but also question if she has done enough healing and inner work to write a memoir of her experiences. Ultimately, Harris’s memoir positions herself in the victim role. She admits in the book to “playing the martyr” and “pay[ing] my therapist hundreds of dollars to remind me that I’m fabulous”. I am sympathetic to Harris’s suffering. Undoubtedly, she suffered religious trauma and subjugation, and I validate her pain and her reasons for leaving the faith. Her observations on patriarchy and women’s complicity in it are insightful. I just wonder if she has faced and reckoned with her own role as a perpetrator of religious trauma, or if she will only continue to see herself as a victim. For you can be both/and, and reconciling those two roles may be the true key to healing.
On the subject of her career aspirations, the book centers on Harris’s theory that giving up those dreams is what made her so unhappy and that in pursuing those dreams, she will find the key to happiness. But this betrays the fact that a lot of people have to forgo a dream or change course for a variety of reasons, and they find ways to cope with the disappointment. Furthermore, a career won’t fulfill you or give you ultimate purpose and value any more than marriage or motherhood will. Readers may wonder if Harris will find ultimate happiness now, in her book or in the “one woman show” she is now creating.
Although Harris states she loved her husband, she also admits, “It was a situation where a man and his pastor decided it was time to get married.” She confesses that she did not marry her husband, but the church. “It was crowded on the stage where I gave my vows. The man I chose was already betrothed to an audience and a pastor.”
Harris uses a casual, almost irreverent tone in the book which belies the depth of the religious trauma and intense depression she experienced. At times I wondered if her tone was a defense mechanism to protect herself from her trauma. For example, she paints her childhood and her “wonderful” parents in a rosy light and seems in denial about the effects of their divorce and her mother living away from her (choosing to live in another state while Harris and her brother remained with their dad).
I was disappointed that Harris rarely mentions her marriage and kids. The book is mostly about the church and her own inner thoughts, struggles, and reactions to religion. Understandably, she may be preserving her children and ex-husband’s privacy, yet she also admits she forgot about her children and rarely acknowledges the harm and religious trauma she caused them too. As a purity culture survivor, I wanted Harris to acknowledge her role in her husband’s perpetuation of harmful purity and courtship culture teachings. She did not. She co-authored one of his books, yet she fails to repent of the harm in which she participated.
This is a difficult book to read and review, because I feel much sadness for Harris but also question if she has done enough healing and inner work to write a memoir of her experiences. Ultimately, Harris’s memoir positions herself in the victim role. She admits in the book to “playing the martyr” and “pay[ing] my therapist hundreds of dollars to remind me that I’m fabulous”. I am sympathetic to Harris’s suffering. Undoubtedly, she suffered religious trauma and subjugation, and I validate her pain and her reasons for leaving the faith. Her observations on patriarchy and women’s complicity in it are insightful. I just wonder if she has faced and reckoned with her own role as a perpetrator of religious trauma, or if she will only continue to see herself as a victim. For you can be both/and, and reconciling those two roles may be the true key to healing.
August 25, 2023
Many of us who grew up in conservative evangelical churches bear stark memories of how a culture can entrap people instead of empowering them. One prime way is through gender roles, in a form of patriarchy where only men are allowed leadership roles and a public voice. Decades ago, Shannon Harris married the best-selling author Joshua Harris (I Kissed Dating Goodbye) and quickly became a silent, unpaid role of a pastor’s wife. In this memoir, she tells her story of enmeshment and eventual liberation from being a “good Christian wife.”
Importantly, Shannon did not aspire to become a pastor’s wife as a dream, but the church culture thrust this archetype upon her. She had professionally aspired to music and theater, but soon after marrying Joshua, her only role became singing church music and serving his needs as a pastor. Every other part of her life felt “policed” by church members. Those of us who grew up in conservative evangelical churches know such hen-pecking behavior too well.
Not until Joshua decided to step down from his senior pastor role to attend a seminary in Vancouver did Shannon begin to deconstruct the decade-plus of unhealthy relationships oppressing her and her family. She discusses how she slowly came to a more liberating view with a more generous social ethic. She has evolved to view her marriage as an ecclesiastical responsibility thrust upon her instead of a love-based relationship. Today, she is deeply spiritual – probably more so – but seems less formally religious. Her marriage ended. Conservative evangelical control has ceased. She has embraced feminist empowerment as a tool for progressive, genuine healing.
An evangelical resurgence around the turn of the millennium caught a lot of Americans up in the fervor. Many can relate to Harris’ story of overcoming the patriarchal control from this subculture. Like much that conservative evangelicals began in that era, her husband Joshua Harris’ empire has crumbled down in contradictions and self-destruction. The newly liberated Shannon now seeks to build a career in the performing arts, a venture long stymied by an unpaid job of a “good Christian wife.”
This book appeals to readers interested in conservative American evangelicalism, either personally or from curiosity. Shannon holds a close view to many of its faults. Readers looking for healing or inspiration can find hope in her finding a sense of self from the abyss of church control. The chapters are short, mostly 1-3 pages, with perhaps too many blank filler pages. That makes this book an exceptionally quick read. It adds to a growing list of works by people seeking to recover from emotional and personal damage done by this movement. Shannon Harris shows that it can be done even though its hard and lonely. In so doing, she adds her voice, long suppressed, to a very human chorus.
Importantly, Shannon did not aspire to become a pastor’s wife as a dream, but the church culture thrust this archetype upon her. She had professionally aspired to music and theater, but soon after marrying Joshua, her only role became singing church music and serving his needs as a pastor. Every other part of her life felt “policed” by church members. Those of us who grew up in conservative evangelical churches know such hen-pecking behavior too well.
Not until Joshua decided to step down from his senior pastor role to attend a seminary in Vancouver did Shannon begin to deconstruct the decade-plus of unhealthy relationships oppressing her and her family. She discusses how she slowly came to a more liberating view with a more generous social ethic. She has evolved to view her marriage as an ecclesiastical responsibility thrust upon her instead of a love-based relationship. Today, she is deeply spiritual – probably more so – but seems less formally religious. Her marriage ended. Conservative evangelical control has ceased. She has embraced feminist empowerment as a tool for progressive, genuine healing.
An evangelical resurgence around the turn of the millennium caught a lot of Americans up in the fervor. Many can relate to Harris’ story of overcoming the patriarchal control from this subculture. Like much that conservative evangelicals began in that era, her husband Joshua Harris’ empire has crumbled down in contradictions and self-destruction. The newly liberated Shannon now seeks to build a career in the performing arts, a venture long stymied by an unpaid job of a “good Christian wife.”
This book appeals to readers interested in conservative American evangelicalism, either personally or from curiosity. Shannon holds a close view to many of its faults. Readers looking for healing or inspiration can find hope in her finding a sense of self from the abyss of church control. The chapters are short, mostly 1-3 pages, with perhaps too many blank filler pages. That makes this book an exceptionally quick read. It adds to a growing list of works by people seeking to recover from emotional and personal damage done by this movement. Shannon Harris shows that it can be done even though its hard and lonely. In so doing, she adds her voice, long suppressed, to a very human chorus.
Read
March 26, 2024Shannon Harris is a feminist, and she emphasizes how much of a victim the patriarchy has made her. If I took one thing away from this book — Harris hates the patriarchy but loves herself and really all women.
Others have described her writing as self-worshipping. I can see why, because she is not a traditional Christian, and her conclusions leave her just as empty as the strict Christianity of the church her husband pastored.
Harris has so many wounds, and this book reads like a long complaint of everything bad everyone has ever done to her. Honestly, her constant complaints and putting the blame on other people got old quickly.
It is highly readable though; the short chapters kept me engaged. She's a good writer and she told her story well.
So... while I pity Shannon, and this book was a great memoir both of her story and her convictions, I don't agree with her and I think her conclusions are just as harmful as the ones she escaped.
Others have described her writing as self-worshipping. I can see why, because she is not a traditional Christian, and her conclusions leave her just as empty as the strict Christianity of the church her husband pastored.
Harris has so many wounds, and this book reads like a long complaint of everything bad everyone has ever done to her. Honestly, her constant complaints and putting the blame on other people got old quickly.
It is highly readable though; the short chapters kept me engaged. She's a good writer and she told her story well.
So... while I pity Shannon, and this book was a great memoir both of her story and her convictions, I don't agree with her and I think her conclusions are just as harmful as the ones she escaped.
September 4, 2023
I spent over twenty years in Sovereign Grace. And much of Shannon’s memoir resonates with me. She has an important story to tell, and it is significant that she’s told it: She spent almost two decades without a voice.
The book is written in vignettes—a medium I personally appreciate. There are stories, anecdotes, in the first part of the book. While the latter part is reflective.
“Show, don’t tell” is a good rule of thumb in writing. As I read, I wanted more showing//less telling from Shannon. I wanted less reflection and more room for the reader to draw their own conclusions.
Having written that, Shannon’s story is worth the time, especially for women with similar experiences. They will find comfort knowing they aren’t alone.
The book is written in vignettes—a medium I personally appreciate. There are stories, anecdotes, in the first part of the book. While the latter part is reflective.
“Show, don’t tell” is a good rule of thumb in writing. As I read, I wanted more showing//less telling from Shannon. I wanted less reflection and more room for the reader to draw their own conclusions.
Having written that, Shannon’s story is worth the time, especially for women with similar experiences. They will find comfort knowing they aren’t alone.
August 31, 2023
Very interesting and informative in regards to how women are treated within the church. It is sad how so many women are denied the right to participate in churches in regard to clergy and leadership positions. It seems many churches regard women as 'less than' their male counterparts and they are often times expected to give up their dreams, goals and personal abilities to conform to what men in the church think they should be. Very frustrating reading about the many issues the author went through during her time within organized religion.
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September 30, 2023I do not feel comfortable rating the agonizing story of a woman's life on a crude star system.
Shannon Harris’ story combines two of the driving forces in conservative Christendom at the turn of the millennium: purity culture and the enthusiasm for all things Reformed. Her self-written memoir reflects on her experiences as a woman raised in a more secular but not hostile to Christianity environment and her conversion into the church (and cult) of C.J. Mahaney. She falls in love with Josh Harris of I Kissed Dating Goodbye fame, and she guides the reader through how her aspirations and individuality were systematically degraded and suppressed in the name of living up to the idealized Purity Culture Form of the wife and mother. She and her husband would go on to experience crises of faith and practice; Shannon refers obliquely to what her husband was experienced and set forth how, once given space from the constricting environment in the Sovereign Grace Ministries world and able to engage with people who treated her as a valuable human being and having undergone therapy, she was able to recover a fuller sense of herself. She and her husband have divorced and both have turned away from Christianity.
This is where I am supposed to heap some kind of criticism or judgment on Josh and Shannon Harris for having departed the faith; I am sure many in the Reformed world dismiss and ignore their witness with a trite reference to 1 John 2:19. It is not for me to judge Josh or Shannon Harris; each one of us will stand or fall before the Lord Jesus Christ on the final day.
But what Shannon Harris’ story does exemplify is the fruit of the high control church environment upheld by C.J. Mahaney and Sovereign Grace Ministries which remained quite popular and lauded until, all of a sudden, it wasn’t.
For very understandable reasons, Shannon interprets almost everything regarding her experience with the C.J. Mahaney cult in terms of patriarchy and how they treated women and degraded and dismissed their abilities and place. Such is the fruit of a “complementarianism” which is really just good old fashioned Victorian conceptions patriarchy trying to masquerade as something else: women’s bodies are a dangerous temptation; feminism is the enemy of the church and all that is holy; thus we must suppress women’s aspirations and try to confine them in specific roles. And, as Shannon well expresses, no one upholds or guards this system like the women who have bought into it fully and who gain their standing and influence within that system. Adding strong Reformed principles into this framework, and thus total depravity, which for some reason seems to affect women more than men in application, only made it worse. But it’s not just about patriarchy; another witness to the C.J. Mahaney cult is Jon Ward in Testimony, since he grew up in that church, and quite tellingly, his father was one of the three pastors who helped begin that work but ran afoul of Mahaney for some reason and was entirely written out of the story (to the point where he is not mentioned by Shannon as one of the church’s founders - not a knock against Shannon, since she was telling the story she was told). Shannon herself testifies regarding how C.J. Mahaney stood above and over her husband Josh, pulling Josh into the Mahaney system, pushing him into marrying Shannon and taking over as head pastor, but without any real expectation of C.J. giving up power (as was also true of his wife Carolyn). Thus, the Mahaney cult was all about power for the Mahaneys. The word “cult” is being used here deliberately: one need not be Reformed and cultic in ideology and behavior, but the kind of ideas and behaviors which Mahaney was advancing and manifesting display the kind of high control environment which unjustly elevates the standing and opinion of the elite few to the degradation of everyone else. This kind of thinking and acting is by no means exclusive to Mahaney. Unfortunately it seems to crop up frequently in conservative Christendom.
What Shannon experienced is bitterly lamentable and abhorrent. Jesus was not honored by it. And that was the extraordinary omission in Shannon’s story: throughout the telling of what she experienced Jesus is rarely, if ever, mentioned. “The church” is frequently under discussion; “Jesus” far less so. To be clear: this is not a knock against Shannon. This is less Shannon’s fruit and much more the fruit of the religious institution in which she was participating. There was a lot of many of Paul’s exhortations, probably not a few Old Testament principles; “the Gospel” probably had much less to do with who Jesus was and what He was about and much more about 16th century Reformed formulations regarding justification by faith only.
Whenever a church makes it more about “the church” than about Jesus, and makes “the Gospel” about some kind of specific formulation without much regard to the core of Jesus’ life, death, resurrection, ascension, lordship, and imminent return, the likelihood of warped fruit increases exponentially. This is not limited to the “young, restless, Reformed” or the “purity culture” movements; I have seen it vividly within churches of Christ as well. For good reason the Apostles always brought everything back to Jesus; it helps keep proper perspective. When Jesus and His revelation in the Gospels is centered, no system can remain truly comfortable, and high level control cannot help but be questioned.
The justification for patriarchy is the protection of the women. But, as Shannon learned, when it comes down to it, patriarchal systems will protect themselves and their own in practice. Women are only as good as they uphold the idealized Form of the Biblical Woman with an ungodly, demonic neglect and suppression of actual women in actual circumstances.
If you read this and feel compelled to judge Shannon, heed Matthew 7:1-4 well. What has her story provoked in the beam sitting in your eye? Her story provides an opportunity to lament and grieve how the dignity and integrity of women have been all too easily degraded in church cultures. We should lament how the purity culture developed into a kind of sexual prosperity gospel which could never deliver on its promise but could cause grief and shame and wildly warp marriage relationships. We should turn away from the high control ideologies of C.J. Mahaney and expose them for the anxiety and fear based models of manipulation they represent. We should resolve to do better for our girls and young women but also our boys, young men, and older men and women.
We need to turn back to Jesus and well embody Him so we can bear His fruit to His honor and glory.
Shannon Harris’ story combines two of the driving forces in conservative Christendom at the turn of the millennium: purity culture and the enthusiasm for all things Reformed. Her self-written memoir reflects on her experiences as a woman raised in a more secular but not hostile to Christianity environment and her conversion into the church (and cult) of C.J. Mahaney. She falls in love with Josh Harris of I Kissed Dating Goodbye fame, and she guides the reader through how her aspirations and individuality were systematically degraded and suppressed in the name of living up to the idealized Purity Culture Form of the wife and mother. She and her husband would go on to experience crises of faith and practice; Shannon refers obliquely to what her husband was experienced and set forth how, once given space from the constricting environment in the Sovereign Grace Ministries world and able to engage with people who treated her as a valuable human being and having undergone therapy, she was able to recover a fuller sense of herself. She and her husband have divorced and both have turned away from Christianity.
This is where I am supposed to heap some kind of criticism or judgment on Josh and Shannon Harris for having departed the faith; I am sure many in the Reformed world dismiss and ignore their witness with a trite reference to 1 John 2:19. It is not for me to judge Josh or Shannon Harris; each one of us will stand or fall before the Lord Jesus Christ on the final day.
But what Shannon Harris’ story does exemplify is the fruit of the high control church environment upheld by C.J. Mahaney and Sovereign Grace Ministries which remained quite popular and lauded until, all of a sudden, it wasn’t.
For very understandable reasons, Shannon interprets almost everything regarding her experience with the C.J. Mahaney cult in terms of patriarchy and how they treated women and degraded and dismissed their abilities and place. Such is the fruit of a “complementarianism” which is really just good old fashioned Victorian conceptions patriarchy trying to masquerade as something else: women’s bodies are a dangerous temptation; feminism is the enemy of the church and all that is holy; thus we must suppress women’s aspirations and try to confine them in specific roles. And, as Shannon well expresses, no one upholds or guards this system like the women who have bought into it fully and who gain their standing and influence within that system. Adding strong Reformed principles into this framework, and thus total depravity, which for some reason seems to affect women more than men in application, only made it worse. But it’s not just about patriarchy; another witness to the C.J. Mahaney cult is Jon Ward in Testimony, since he grew up in that church, and quite tellingly, his father was one of the three pastors who helped begin that work but ran afoul of Mahaney for some reason and was entirely written out of the story (to the point where he is not mentioned by Shannon as one of the church’s founders - not a knock against Shannon, since she was telling the story she was told). Shannon herself testifies regarding how C.J. Mahaney stood above and over her husband Josh, pulling Josh into the Mahaney system, pushing him into marrying Shannon and taking over as head pastor, but without any real expectation of C.J. giving up power (as was also true of his wife Carolyn). Thus, the Mahaney cult was all about power for the Mahaneys. The word “cult” is being used here deliberately: one need not be Reformed and cultic in ideology and behavior, but the kind of ideas and behaviors which Mahaney was advancing and manifesting display the kind of high control environment which unjustly elevates the standing and opinion of the elite few to the degradation of everyone else. This kind of thinking and acting is by no means exclusive to Mahaney. Unfortunately it seems to crop up frequently in conservative Christendom.
What Shannon experienced is bitterly lamentable and abhorrent. Jesus was not honored by it. And that was the extraordinary omission in Shannon’s story: throughout the telling of what she experienced Jesus is rarely, if ever, mentioned. “The church” is frequently under discussion; “Jesus” far less so. To be clear: this is not a knock against Shannon. This is less Shannon’s fruit and much more the fruit of the religious institution in which she was participating. There was a lot of many of Paul’s exhortations, probably not a few Old Testament principles; “the Gospel” probably had much less to do with who Jesus was and what He was about and much more about 16th century Reformed formulations regarding justification by faith only.
Whenever a church makes it more about “the church” than about Jesus, and makes “the Gospel” about some kind of specific formulation without much regard to the core of Jesus’ life, death, resurrection, ascension, lordship, and imminent return, the likelihood of warped fruit increases exponentially. This is not limited to the “young, restless, Reformed” or the “purity culture” movements; I have seen it vividly within churches of Christ as well. For good reason the Apostles always brought everything back to Jesus; it helps keep proper perspective. When Jesus and His revelation in the Gospels is centered, no system can remain truly comfortable, and high level control cannot help but be questioned.
The justification for patriarchy is the protection of the women. But, as Shannon learned, when it comes down to it, patriarchal systems will protect themselves and their own in practice. Women are only as good as they uphold the idealized Form of the Biblical Woman with an ungodly, demonic neglect and suppression of actual women in actual circumstances.
If you read this and feel compelled to judge Shannon, heed Matthew 7:1-4 well. What has her story provoked in the beam sitting in your eye? Her story provides an opportunity to lament and grieve how the dignity and integrity of women have been all too easily degraded in church cultures. We should lament how the purity culture developed into a kind of sexual prosperity gospel which could never deliver on its promise but could cause grief and shame and wildly warp marriage relationships. We should turn away from the high control ideologies of C.J. Mahaney and expose them for the anxiety and fear based models of manipulation they represent. We should resolve to do better for our girls and young women but also our boys, young men, and older men and women.
We need to turn back to Jesus and well embody Him so we can bear His fruit to His honor and glory.
March 3, 2024
I’m not quite sure why this book annoyed me as much as it did, but it definitely hit something for me.
I do know that I have never read a memoir so lacking in a main character. For a book that gives a lot of (shallow) advice about finding yourself, Harris herself is oddly lacking. As she describes her past experiences with Sovereign Grace, her emotions and beliefs just don’t come through. I know her main point in the book is that she gave up her identity to meet male Christian leaders’ expectations, but why? What was she thinking and feeling? So much of her interpretation of her experience at the time just isn’t there.
I’m particularly curious when it comes to faith. Did she ever did truly believe? Does she see herself now as having been taken in and she’s too embarrassed to admit it? Or was she using the opportunities to record music and marry a famous actor and then was disappointed that the Christian limelight wasn’t all that rewarding? It’s that kind of self awareness and honesty that’s missing.
Probably the most frustrating part of the book for me is that Harris still does not seem to have a vision for what a good but hard, intentional, and present life could really look like. She compares the real hardships of being a wife and mom in a repressive culture with an imagined successful music career. She’s inspired by a woman she imagines “walking green landscapes in Wellington boots” in the British countryside (148) and by another working as a playwright in LA (224). She fears being “an eighty-year-old woman dressed in elegant black” (165). All of this seems so out of touch with the way that most women have to pursue our dreams while putting most of our energy into making sure we and the people for whom we’re responsible have a place to live and food to eat.
She writes this book(for which she likely got a book deal because she was married to a minor celebrity ) from such a privileged perspective.
What I do appreciate about the book is Harris’s description of the harm that comes when concerns for theology and conviction overshadow questions about what is actually healthy. I agree with her that “love should feel like love” (168) and that love requires seeing and welcoming real people as they are (179).
Clearly this book review is far more about me verbally processing my own response to this book than leaving a nice recommendation for others. If you’ve read this far, thanks for being along for the ride!
(Also as a side note in this long tirade, I have to note that I don’t think I have ever read a book with more bizarre mixed metaphors!)
I do know that I have never read a memoir so lacking in a main character. For a book that gives a lot of (shallow) advice about finding yourself, Harris herself is oddly lacking. As she describes her past experiences with Sovereign Grace, her emotions and beliefs just don’t come through. I know her main point in the book is that she gave up her identity to meet male Christian leaders’ expectations, but why? What was she thinking and feeling? So much of her interpretation of her experience at the time just isn’t there.
I’m particularly curious when it comes to faith. Did she ever did truly believe? Does she see herself now as having been taken in and she’s too embarrassed to admit it? Or was she using the opportunities to record music and marry a famous actor and then was disappointed that the Christian limelight wasn’t all that rewarding? It’s that kind of self awareness and honesty that’s missing.
Probably the most frustrating part of the book for me is that Harris still does not seem to have a vision for what a good but hard, intentional, and present life could really look like. She compares the real hardships of being a wife and mom in a repressive culture with an imagined successful music career. She’s inspired by a woman she imagines “walking green landscapes in Wellington boots” in the British countryside (148) and by another working as a playwright in LA (224). She fears being “an eighty-year-old woman dressed in elegant black” (165). All of this seems so out of touch with the way that most women have to pursue our dreams while putting most of our energy into making sure we and the people for whom we’re responsible have a place to live and food to eat.
She writes this book(for which she likely got a book deal because she was married to a minor celebrity ) from such a privileged perspective.
What I do appreciate about the book is Harris’s description of the harm that comes when concerns for theology and conviction overshadow questions about what is actually healthy. I agree with her that “love should feel like love” (168) and that love requires seeing and welcoming real people as they are (179).
Clearly this book review is far more about me verbally processing my own response to this book than leaving a nice recommendation for others. If you’ve read this far, thanks for being along for the ride!
(Also as a side note in this long tirade, I have to note that I don’t think I have ever read a book with more bizarre mixed metaphors!)
October 3, 2023
Pros:
1. Courageous move to leave a cult and expose its harmful practices and teachings. There are many nuggets in here that are valuable and must be considered by every person claiming Christ.
2. I'm glad she's also taking accountability that she played a role in her own bondage of harmful doctrine. It takes maturity and growth for us to recognize where we could've done better in speaking up and speaking out against people or teachings that are detrimental to our well-being.
3. I related so much with her journey and story about wearing a mask in church and allowing myself to be molded by human traditions of what a woman should and shouldn't be, say, or do---to the point where we believe a woman must give everything while a man can pursue anything he's interested in. The double-standards in the church and denominations is real.
4. Her writing is simplistically readable that makes you want to keep turning page after page.
5. She mentions many things about hypocrisy in the church (I mean really, we're ALL hypocrites at times, and it's blatantly evident of the hypocrisy within Shannon Harris herself the entire 20 years of her involvement in the church). It's important to acknowledge and hold ourselves accountable to this.
6. This book is quotable. There are many statements in here I noted that I re-read multiple times, and caused me to reflect. For example, women being told to give up their careers or things they take pleasure in because they supposedly have no place as a woman in Christ. Shannon beautifully wrote,
Talents are literally God given. To tell a woman she couldn't cultivate her talents is to bury deep the gift from God. We are called to utilize our talents for His glory ultimately and for our own enjoyment and for others. However, I do believe the minute we become mothers and wives, our primary focus and our top priority is our home. Our secular careers are temporary, but homemaking (the biblical way not American traditional way) is kingdom living. Our identity is not found in a career--it's found in Christ and the kingdom work we do for His glory.
Cons
The negatives far outweigh the pros, for her evolved beliefs seek to destroy the very heart of the gospel of the Lord. It's one thing if you don't believe in the gospel; it's another to claim to believe it then completely twist the crux of its message to satisfy your own pleasures or indulgences. This is what Shannon does. The chapter of "Freeing Eve" is drenched with misunderstandings, conscious twisting of the original message, and false interpretations where, if not careful, will cause people to turn away from the truth to embrace a lie.
Shannon believes that "the denial of the feminine is planted firmly into the heart of Christianity . . . through the story of Eve." YIKES. Double YIKES. She has shown me that she hasn't read the Genesis account itself but rather read some pseudo-theology or feminist works that seek to twist the scriptures. It's very expressly written that the female "is created in the image of God" and "bears His likeness." There is no greater exaltation of the feminine than from the Creator Himself, who looks at the woman He created and delighted in her saying she's "very good." Joseph Solomon beautifully wrote, "It's not that God carries feminine traits. It's that the feminine carries God's traits. It's not heaven that needs to represent her--she represents heaven." True, biblical femininity reflects divinity. To embrace our femaleness as women is to be fully human. Already Shannon Harris' opening statement is riddled with error.
She even goes on to say that Eve alone was blamed, shamed, and punished while Adam gets off the hook, and Eve needs to be freed from shame. I'm sorry, this statement was laughable at worst and heartbreaking at best. Shannon refuses to read where God brings both parties to take account for their actions of disobedience, as He should, and gives them both the just consequences. They received equal repercussions for their own actions. Not only that, but Eve wasn't the only one to feel shame at her nakedness, Adam did as well and they both covered themselves. God originally designed us to not feel shame and fear in our nakedness--we OURSELVES decided that when we decided to dethrone God from our lives and disobey His commands. Where did Shannon get these erroneous notions from?
Ironically enough, she then tries to quote the life of Jesus and how good He was--but she failed to acknowledge the entire reason of Jesus' visitation to His creation: to restore the chaos that began in the garden with Adam AND Eve. What sin unravelled in the Garden by both of their actions, Christ restored on the Cross. He defeated the revolution and will put this world to rights the way it was intended to be from the beginning. You cannot claim to love Christ yet completely twist the entire message of the Bible like Shannon does. If we're going to follow Him, follow Him fully.
And finally, she unfortunately, due to her traumatic experience in the cult she was in, has a distaste for the concept of self-denial for Christ. This is a long topic and theological discourse to go over, so I will say this: Christ said, "if anyone wants to follow Me, let him deny Himself, take up his cross, and follow." The term "deny" means to give up desires and wants that turns us away from God, and to allow Him to shape and mold us into the image He intended us to be in the beginning. There is nothing wrong with having wants, it's the wants that leads us away from God that we become self-seeking and self-centered are the ones we deny.
Overall, this is the reason for my 1-star rating. I cannot follow anyone who proudly tries to twist the sacred gospel of the Lord.
Anyway, it appears that Shannon is still in the process of healing (I hope her journey of healing goes well); I hope one day she comes to the truth of the gospel and His one true church. I wish her the best.
1. Courageous move to leave a cult and expose its harmful practices and teachings. There are many nuggets in here that are valuable and must be considered by every person claiming Christ.
2. I'm glad she's also taking accountability that she played a role in her own bondage of harmful doctrine. It takes maturity and growth for us to recognize where we could've done better in speaking up and speaking out against people or teachings that are detrimental to our well-being.
3. I related so much with her journey and story about wearing a mask in church and allowing myself to be molded by human traditions of what a woman should and shouldn't be, say, or do---to the point where we believe a woman must give everything while a man can pursue anything he's interested in. The double-standards in the church and denominations is real.
4. Her writing is simplistically readable that makes you want to keep turning page after page.
5. She mentions many things about hypocrisy in the church (I mean really, we're ALL hypocrites at times, and it's blatantly evident of the hypocrisy within Shannon Harris herself the entire 20 years of her involvement in the church). It's important to acknowledge and hold ourselves accountable to this.
6. This book is quotable. There are many statements in here I noted that I re-read multiple times, and caused me to reflect. For example, women being told to give up their careers or things they take pleasure in because they supposedly have no place as a woman in Christ. Shannon beautifully wrote,
"How does it help society for a woman to live as a mere fraction of herself? What if Barbara Streisand never sang? What if Julia Child never went to France to study cooking? Had these women been in my church, their talents never would have seen the light of day. How many Barbaras and Julias are out there quietly shrinking instead of growing?”
Talents are literally God given. To tell a woman she couldn't cultivate her talents is to bury deep the gift from God. We are called to utilize our talents for His glory ultimately and for our own enjoyment and for others. However, I do believe the minute we become mothers and wives, our primary focus and our top priority is our home. Our secular careers are temporary, but homemaking (the biblical way not American traditional way) is kingdom living. Our identity is not found in a career--it's found in Christ and the kingdom work we do for His glory.
Cons
The negatives far outweigh the pros, for her evolved beliefs seek to destroy the very heart of the gospel of the Lord. It's one thing if you don't believe in the gospel; it's another to claim to believe it then completely twist the crux of its message to satisfy your own pleasures or indulgences. This is what Shannon does. The chapter of "Freeing Eve" is drenched with misunderstandings, conscious twisting of the original message, and false interpretations where, if not careful, will cause people to turn away from the truth to embrace a lie.
Shannon believes that "the denial of the feminine is planted firmly into the heart of Christianity . . . through the story of Eve." YIKES. Double YIKES. She has shown me that she hasn't read the Genesis account itself but rather read some pseudo-theology or feminist works that seek to twist the scriptures. It's very expressly written that the female "is created in the image of God" and "bears His likeness." There is no greater exaltation of the feminine than from the Creator Himself, who looks at the woman He created and delighted in her saying she's "very good." Joseph Solomon beautifully wrote, "It's not that God carries feminine traits. It's that the feminine carries God's traits. It's not heaven that needs to represent her--she represents heaven." True, biblical femininity reflects divinity. To embrace our femaleness as women is to be fully human. Already Shannon Harris' opening statement is riddled with error.
She even goes on to say that Eve alone was blamed, shamed, and punished while Adam gets off the hook, and Eve needs to be freed from shame. I'm sorry, this statement was laughable at worst and heartbreaking at best. Shannon refuses to read where God brings both parties to take account for their actions of disobedience, as He should, and gives them both the just consequences. They received equal repercussions for their own actions. Not only that, but Eve wasn't the only one to feel shame at her nakedness, Adam did as well and they both covered themselves. God originally designed us to not feel shame and fear in our nakedness--we OURSELVES decided that when we decided to dethrone God from our lives and disobey His commands. Where did Shannon get these erroneous notions from?
Ironically enough, she then tries to quote the life of Jesus and how good He was--but she failed to acknowledge the entire reason of Jesus' visitation to His creation: to restore the chaos that began in the garden with Adam AND Eve. What sin unravelled in the Garden by both of their actions, Christ restored on the Cross. He defeated the revolution and will put this world to rights the way it was intended to be from the beginning. You cannot claim to love Christ yet completely twist the entire message of the Bible like Shannon does. If we're going to follow Him, follow Him fully.
And finally, she unfortunately, due to her traumatic experience in the cult she was in, has a distaste for the concept of self-denial for Christ. This is a long topic and theological discourse to go over, so I will say this: Christ said, "if anyone wants to follow Me, let him deny Himself, take up his cross, and follow." The term "deny" means to give up desires and wants that turns us away from God, and to allow Him to shape and mold us into the image He intended us to be in the beginning. There is nothing wrong with having wants, it's the wants that leads us away from God that we become self-seeking and self-centered are the ones we deny.
Overall, this is the reason for my 1-star rating. I cannot follow anyone who proudly tries to twist the sacred gospel of the Lord.
Anyway, it appears that Shannon is still in the process of healing (I hope her journey of healing goes well); I hope one day she comes to the truth of the gospel and His one true church. I wish her the best.
August 29, 2023
Wow. Shannon has given voice to the experience of so many women who chose to listen and submit to a group of theologians and church leaders who had the “secret sauce.” While some Christians may find her experience and descriptions puzzling, I beg you to open your eyes to the power of CJ Mahaney and Sovereign Grace Ministries.
This group has had enormous influence on the church in the last 25 years. CJ is one of the four Together 4 The Gospel founders and was a key leader in the Gospel Coalition. His voice, and the voice of like minded leaders, carried more weight than many would care to admit.
Their theology packages well- intentional leadership, intentional church, a works based theology with almost guaranteed results, and the freedom to speak into each others lives. The result was and is a culture of over adulation of leadership, sin sniffing, hyper criticism, and constantly falling short. This shortfall focus tends to fall on women. Problems in marriages are blamed on the woman’s failure to meet ideals. Men are not held to account for their failure to meet their end of the bargain as often as the church might like to believe they are.
Shannon has had the courage to share her experience. Shannon was married to the elite of the evangelical elite. The secret sauce didn’t work for her. My hope and prayer is that the sharing of her story gives many women struggling in that movement the courage to face their own realities. It is not all their fault. They are not crazy. They are not alone.
Jesus sees Shannon’s pain and weeps. Jesus’ toughest criticisms were of the Pharisees who gave the sheep burdens that were not theirs. Shannon was given those burdens by today’s Pharisees. Jesus teaches us to leave the 99 to go after the 1. Church, please hear her and see the 1. She is, unfortunately, not alone.
This group has had enormous influence on the church in the last 25 years. CJ is one of the four Together 4 The Gospel founders and was a key leader in the Gospel Coalition. His voice, and the voice of like minded leaders, carried more weight than many would care to admit.
Their theology packages well- intentional leadership, intentional church, a works based theology with almost guaranteed results, and the freedom to speak into each others lives. The result was and is a culture of over adulation of leadership, sin sniffing, hyper criticism, and constantly falling short. This shortfall focus tends to fall on women. Problems in marriages are blamed on the woman’s failure to meet ideals. Men are not held to account for their failure to meet their end of the bargain as often as the church might like to believe they are.
Shannon has had the courage to share her experience. Shannon was married to the elite of the evangelical elite. The secret sauce didn’t work for her. My hope and prayer is that the sharing of her story gives many women struggling in that movement the courage to face their own realities. It is not all their fault. They are not crazy. They are not alone.
Jesus sees Shannon’s pain and weeps. Jesus’ toughest criticisms were of the Pharisees who gave the sheep burdens that were not theirs. Shannon was given those burdens by today’s Pharisees. Jesus teaches us to leave the 99 to go after the 1. Church, please hear her and see the 1. She is, unfortunately, not alone.
September 11, 2023
I thought it was disjointed and repetitive. Some chapters felt like they were unfinished. I understand why she wrote it and don’t disagree with some of the reasons. But I didn’t think it was well written.
Read
September 18, 2023Full review here: https://dearstrangethings.substack.co...
August 26, 2023
This is the very personal story of one woman's experience with the Christian church, but it is also the story of thousands and thousands of others. The things Shannon experienced were not uncommon or only tied to specific churches. This is not a problem of a single church and abusive pastor. This is almost every church, across all denominations.
Shannon relates her experiences in a marriage where she was expected to 'submit' by shrinking herself to fit whatever her husband wanted her to be, and in a church where she was expected to be quiet and invisible, unless it directly benefited the church leadership (such as making a spectacle of her on the worship team, as the 'girl who gave up her dreams for the local church').
Almost every woman in the Christian church today can relate to the experiences that Shannon recounts. She shines a light directly on the misogynistic beliefs that have permeated our culture and perfectly expresses what it is like to be a woman living under the oppressive systems those beliefs create. Men, especially those in power, will never understand what it feels like to be told you have to give up your dreams in order to be a good spouse or church member. How it shreds your soul to be forced into a box, to be constantly under surveillance, to be subject to the "loving reproof" of anyone and everyone. To be told, in so many words, you are just a vessel to keep your husband from sin and to manage HIS house and children. How exhausting it is to sacrifice your time, talents, energy and skills for decades and never receiving any recognition or even acknowledgment that it was a sacrifice. To be told that no matter how well you know the Bible, how studied you are - even having a degree! - you will never be as valuable as a teacher in the church than literally any man.
The church Shannon was part of was perhaps slightly more blatant than others in its misogyny, but the underlying beliefs are there in extremist patriarchal churches to hipster "cool paster" churches. The church by and large has a great reckoning coming for how they've used, abused, hindered, silenced, and imprisoned women.
Shannon relates her experiences in a marriage where she was expected to 'submit' by shrinking herself to fit whatever her husband wanted her to be, and in a church where she was expected to be quiet and invisible, unless it directly benefited the church leadership (such as making a spectacle of her on the worship team, as the 'girl who gave up her dreams for the local church').
Almost every woman in the Christian church today can relate to the experiences that Shannon recounts. She shines a light directly on the misogynistic beliefs that have permeated our culture and perfectly expresses what it is like to be a woman living under the oppressive systems those beliefs create. Men, especially those in power, will never understand what it feels like to be told you have to give up your dreams in order to be a good spouse or church member. How it shreds your soul to be forced into a box, to be constantly under surveillance, to be subject to the "loving reproof" of anyone and everyone. To be told, in so many words, you are just a vessel to keep your husband from sin and to manage HIS house and children. How exhausting it is to sacrifice your time, talents, energy and skills for decades and never receiving any recognition or even acknowledgment that it was a sacrifice. To be told that no matter how well you know the Bible, how studied you are - even having a degree! - you will never be as valuable as a teacher in the church than literally any man.
The church Shannon was part of was perhaps slightly more blatant than others in its misogyny, but the underlying beliefs are there in extremist patriarchal churches to hipster "cool paster" churches. The church by and large has a great reckoning coming for how they've used, abused, hindered, silenced, and imprisoned women.
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