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If I Should Lose You
‘Through a cast of memorable characters, If I Should Lose You pitches art against life, and in the process exposes life in all its frailties. Here is a story that resonates long after reading.’ — Andrea Goldsmith
‘I was captivated by this honest, beautiful story that fuses love and art with the most profound challenges of motherhood. Written with extraordinary emotional wisdom and intelligence.’ — Liz Byrski
Camille is a nurse specialising in supporting families through the difficult decision to donate the organs of their dying loved ones. Camille’s mother is a gifted but uncompromising transplant surgeon determined to make it in a man’s world until her own life falls apart. And Camille herself is a mother to Addie – five years old, critically ill and in desperate need of the very organs her mother and grandmother work with.
‘I was captivated by this honest, beautiful story that fuses love and art with the most profound challenges of motherhood. Written with extraordinary emotional wisdom and intelligence.’ — Liz Byrski
Camille is a nurse specialising in supporting families through the difficult decision to donate the organs of their dying loved ones. Camille’s mother is a gifted but uncompromising transplant surgeon determined to make it in a man’s world until her own life falls apart. And Camille herself is a mother to Addie – five years old, critically ill and in desperate need of the very organs her mother and grandmother work with.
304 pages, Paperback
First published January 1, 2012
36 people are currently reading
981 people want to read
About the author
Natasha Lester
18 books3,484 followersNatasha Lester is the multi-award winning and New York Times best-selling author of THE PARIS SEAMSTRESS, THE PARIS ORPHAN, THE PARIS SECRET and THE DISAPPEARANCE OF ASTRID BRICARD. Her new book, THE MADEMOISELLE ALLIANCE, the story of Marie-Madeleine Fourcade, the only female leader of a French Resistance network in WWII, is coming in April 2025.
Prior to writing, she worked as a marketing executive for L’Oreal, managing the Maybelline brand, before returning to university to study creative writing.
Natasha's books have been translated into twenty-one different languages and are published all around the world. She lives in Perth, Western Australia with her 3 children and loves fashion history, practising the art of fashion illustration, collecting vintage fashion, travelling and, of course, books.
Prior to writing, she worked as a marketing executive for L’Oreal, managing the Maybelline brand, before returning to university to study creative writing.
Natasha's books have been translated into twenty-one different languages and are published all around the world. She lives in Perth, Western Australia with her 3 children and loves fashion history, practising the art of fashion illustration, collecting vintage fashion, travelling and, of course, books.
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 51 reviews
April 10, 2024
EXCERPT: Louisa laughs. 'So you just need me to tell you it's okay to do it. To tell you that you're not abandoning your sick child in her hour of need.'
I laugh too. 'Something like that.' Then I stop laughing and say, 'I just want something more than damaged bodies and shitty nappies and squabbles about never being home in time for dinner. I want something fine. Like . . . I don't know . . .' I scrabble around in a mind that has fallen out of the habit of such discussion. 'Like falling in love. That's what the exhibition should be about.'
'Sounds like you've thought about it too much to say no.'
I realise Louisa is right. As usual. And then it slips out. 'The exhibition's a joint one. With Jack Darcy's paintings of Alix as well.'
Louisa pauses and then her words almost shock me. 'That's a love story too, Camille.'
'How can you be so generous?' I blurt. 'Dan was your brother.'
'Dan was dead, Camille. And Alix grieved too much. Until Jack came along. She needed him. Because she had you and you can't raise a child with grief.'
I wonder if that is true. If I am raising my own children with grief, an insidious grief that is all the more dangerous for being unsaid. Because it is for a loss that hasn't yet happened, a loss that might not happen. A loss that we have simply been threatened with, ever since Addie was born. And grief over another loss, one I have never quite understood. That of my mother.
ABOUT 'IF I SHOULD LOSE YOU': Camille work as a transplant nurse, counselling families through heart-rending decisions. At home, her own daughter Addie is critically ill.
When an invitation to curate an exhibition arrives from artist Jack Darcy, her late mother's lover, Camille is plunged into unresolved questions about her childhood and her mother's life.
As Addie gets sicker, Camille wonders how far she will go to save her child - and how much of herself she can give when she has everything to lose.
MY THOUGHTS: If I Should Lose You is an emotionally challenging read. My heart feels like it has been pummeled, twisted and bent out of shape. I am exhausted, shattered, and battered, but content.
I could not string together coherent thoughts when I finished If I Should Lose You. It has taken almost 48 hours for me to come to the point where I can actually write about this heart-rending reading experience.
Organ donation and the arts - not two subjects I have ever come across linked before. Yet, here they are, in a sensitively written book about the complexities of organ donation, of caring for a child who needs an organ donation to survive, of grief, of hope, of love. The art tells a story of passionate love; of one woman and two men. It is not only unashamedly beautiful and poignant - it also serves a purpose.
This wasn't a book that I devoured quickly; it was a read I lingered over, reading, thinking. What would I do? Would I behave any differently? The severe illness of a child, constant near-death experiences, puts an incredible strain on a relationship; even more so when there is another child to be considered. There is still money to be earned, bills to be paid, the detritus of daily life to be attended to. And always, in the back of one's mind, the thought, 'What if, while I'm not there, she dies . . .'
In direct contrast to the beautiful and poignant story of Alix's two loves, the story of Camille and her family is written with a raw and brutal honesty.
This is the story of two generations of one family, the medical diagnoses that tore them apart and the art that tells at least part of the story. But will it be enough to repair the damage?
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
#IfIShouldLoseYou @FremantlePress
THE AUTHOR: Natasha Lester lives in Perth, Western Australia with her 3 children and loves fashion history, practising the art of fashion illustration, collecting vintage fashion, travelling and, of course, books.
DISCLOSURE: Thank you to Fremantle Press for providing an ARC of the 2024 edition of If I Should Lose You by Natasha Lester for review. All opinions expressed in this review are entirely my own opinions.
I laugh too. 'Something like that.' Then I stop laughing and say, 'I just want something more than damaged bodies and shitty nappies and squabbles about never being home in time for dinner. I want something fine. Like . . . I don't know . . .' I scrabble around in a mind that has fallen out of the habit of such discussion. 'Like falling in love. That's what the exhibition should be about.'
'Sounds like you've thought about it too much to say no.'
I realise Louisa is right. As usual. And then it slips out. 'The exhibition's a joint one. With Jack Darcy's paintings of Alix as well.'
Louisa pauses and then her words almost shock me. 'That's a love story too, Camille.'
'How can you be so generous?' I blurt. 'Dan was your brother.'
'Dan was dead, Camille. And Alix grieved too much. Until Jack came along. She needed him. Because she had you and you can't raise a child with grief.'
I wonder if that is true. If I am raising my own children with grief, an insidious grief that is all the more dangerous for being unsaid. Because it is for a loss that hasn't yet happened, a loss that might not happen. A loss that we have simply been threatened with, ever since Addie was born. And grief over another loss, one I have never quite understood. That of my mother.
ABOUT 'IF I SHOULD LOSE YOU': Camille work as a transplant nurse, counselling families through heart-rending decisions. At home, her own daughter Addie is critically ill.
When an invitation to curate an exhibition arrives from artist Jack Darcy, her late mother's lover, Camille is plunged into unresolved questions about her childhood and her mother's life.
As Addie gets sicker, Camille wonders how far she will go to save her child - and how much of herself she can give when she has everything to lose.
MY THOUGHTS: If I Should Lose You is an emotionally challenging read. My heart feels like it has been pummeled, twisted and bent out of shape. I am exhausted, shattered, and battered, but content.
I could not string together coherent thoughts when I finished If I Should Lose You. It has taken almost 48 hours for me to come to the point where I can actually write about this heart-rending reading experience.
Organ donation and the arts - not two subjects I have ever come across linked before. Yet, here they are, in a sensitively written book about the complexities of organ donation, of caring for a child who needs an organ donation to survive, of grief, of hope, of love. The art tells a story of passionate love; of one woman and two men. It is not only unashamedly beautiful and poignant - it also serves a purpose.
This wasn't a book that I devoured quickly; it was a read I lingered over, reading, thinking. What would I do? Would I behave any differently? The severe illness of a child, constant near-death experiences, puts an incredible strain on a relationship; even more so when there is another child to be considered. There is still money to be earned, bills to be paid, the detritus of daily life to be attended to. And always, in the back of one's mind, the thought, 'What if, while I'm not there, she dies . . .'
In direct contrast to the beautiful and poignant story of Alix's two loves, the story of Camille and her family is written with a raw and brutal honesty.
This is the story of two generations of one family, the medical diagnoses that tore them apart and the art that tells at least part of the story. But will it be enough to repair the damage?
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
#IfIShouldLoseYou @FremantlePress
THE AUTHOR: Natasha Lester lives in Perth, Western Australia with her 3 children and loves fashion history, practising the art of fashion illustration, collecting vintage fashion, travelling and, of course, books.
DISCLOSURE: Thank you to Fremantle Press for providing an ARC of the 2024 edition of If I Should Lose You by Natasha Lester for review. All opinions expressed in this review are entirely my own opinions.
October 17, 2024
**Thank you to Fremantle Press for sending me a free copy of this novel in exchange for an honest review**
This one is a very emotional and moving read. Camille works in organ donation, at the same time as having to cope with her seriously ill very young daughter who needs an organ transplant. Camille is also curating an art exhibition for her deceased father's art and her deceased mother's partner's art. In the process of this she learns about the mother she lost so young. It is quite a heavy and heart-wrenching storyline about love and loss.
I will say that for personal reasons I found this book quite triggering at times; having lost my brother this year in circumstances involving brain death and organ donation, parts of this book felt way too familiar and distressing. So I would caution readers who may have similar experiences, because the author really has done an amazing job writing these scenarios and depicting them realistically.
Putting that aside, I thought this was a well-written and quite stirring novel that I would recommend to those who enjoy novels that touch the heart.
This one is a very emotional and moving read. Camille works in organ donation, at the same time as having to cope with her seriously ill very young daughter who needs an organ transplant. Camille is also curating an art exhibition for her deceased father's art and her deceased mother's partner's art. In the process of this she learns about the mother she lost so young. It is quite a heavy and heart-wrenching storyline about love and loss.
I will say that for personal reasons I found this book quite triggering at times; having lost my brother this year in circumstances involving brain death and organ donation, parts of this book felt way too familiar and distressing. So I would caution readers who may have similar experiences, because the author really has done an amazing job writing these scenarios and depicting them realistically.
Putting that aside, I thought this was a well-written and quite stirring novel that I would recommend to those who enjoy novels that touch the heart.
May 22, 2024
If I Should Lose You is Natasha Lester’s second novel.
A contemporary fiction tale that brings up a number of feelings.
This was Natasha’s final foray into the popular genre before she ventured into the historical fiction world.
Camille is a nurse who works with families who donate organs from their loved ones but cannot help her own child.
At home, her five year old daughter Addie is severely ill and in need of a vital organ herself.
In between work and her personal life, Camille is asked to organise an art exhibition that involves her mother.
This brings up memories and history from her past.
As Addie’s health becomes increasingly worse, Camille must make a heartbreaking decision.
And asks the question ‘how far will you go to save your child’………
A story about organ donation is always a tough, moral dilemma read.
It has lots of emotions and I found myself invested in the cast members lives.
Complex characters, family drama, realistic situations, moments of trauma and love and loss.
Tackling the topical arguments and challenges in a compelling way.
A thought provoking read.
A contemporary fiction tale that brings up a number of feelings.
This was Natasha’s final foray into the popular genre before she ventured into the historical fiction world.
Camille is a nurse who works with families who donate organs from their loved ones but cannot help her own child.
At home, her five year old daughter Addie is severely ill and in need of a vital organ herself.
In between work and her personal life, Camille is asked to organise an art exhibition that involves her mother.
This brings up memories and history from her past.
As Addie’s health becomes increasingly worse, Camille must make a heartbreaking decision.
And asks the question ‘how far will you go to save your child’………
A story about organ donation is always a tough, moral dilemma read.
It has lots of emotions and I found myself invested in the cast members lives.
Complex characters, family drama, realistic situations, moments of trauma and love and loss.
Tackling the topical arguments and challenges in a compelling way.
A thought provoking read.
July 10, 2023
Powerful and profound.
This story focuses on a sick child and organ donation.
A somewhat challenging read but I loved it.
Natasha Lester writes so beautifully and with sensitivity.
This story focuses on a sick child and organ donation.
A somewhat challenging read but I loved it.
Natasha Lester writes so beautifully and with sensitivity.
August 24, 2017
4.5 Another beautifully written book from Natasha Lester, this one dealing with the complexities of organ donation, heart surgery, and of course, the heart. Love, loss, grief, all are explored so eloquently and presented in such a raw, vulnerable way. I really liked how Camille's story is interwoven with that of her mother Alix through exhibition notes as Camille curates the artworks both her father and Alix's lover created. It was also interesting the way the process of heart surgery and organ transplants were explored.
Now I've read all of Natasha's previous works and am eagerly awaiting her next novel!
Now I've read all of Natasha's previous works and am eagerly awaiting her next novel!
September 5, 2012
Addie is three years old, and desperately needs a new liver. Her mother, Camille, is used to dealing with the relatives of organ donors through her work at the hospital, but this is something altogether different. Caught in the nightmare of a critically ill child, Camille’s emotions begin to splinter, her marriage is tested to the point of fracture, and in her desperation to save Addie she is forced to question where the boundaries of her own morality lie.
One of the only distractions for Camille is the opportunity to curate a retrospective of her father’s sculptures. But as she compiles the notes for this exhibition, she is also drawn back into the lives of her parents, who both died when Camille was young. Her mother Alix had been one of the first female heart surgeons in Australia, but the details of her death have always been indistinct to Camille. As she learns more about her mother and father’s relationship, Addie’s condition continues to worsen, and the family begin a heart-wrenching wait to see if a donor will be found in time.
I was a big fan of Natasha’s first book What is Left Over, After, which won the TAG Hungerford prize, and I have been looking forward to reading If I Should Lose You for quite some time. In this poignant story, one person’s death might offer the chance of life for another. With tremendous emotional acuity, Natasha explores the complex contradictions of what this means in a world that is at once wretched, beautiful, agonising and sublime. The narrative deals with the many responses to loss, and the meanings we ascribe to our bodies, which both represent and hinder the essence of us. It is a book that draws you in on so many levels, and will leave you questioning, What if the unthinkable happened to our family? How would I react, and who might I become?
One of the only distractions for Camille is the opportunity to curate a retrospective of her father’s sculptures. But as she compiles the notes for this exhibition, she is also drawn back into the lives of her parents, who both died when Camille was young. Her mother Alix had been one of the first female heart surgeons in Australia, but the details of her death have always been indistinct to Camille. As she learns more about her mother and father’s relationship, Addie’s condition continues to worsen, and the family begin a heart-wrenching wait to see if a donor will be found in time.
I was a big fan of Natasha’s first book What is Left Over, After, which won the TAG Hungerford prize, and I have been looking forward to reading If I Should Lose You for quite some time. In this poignant story, one person’s death might offer the chance of life for another. With tremendous emotional acuity, Natasha explores the complex contradictions of what this means in a world that is at once wretched, beautiful, agonising and sublime. The narrative deals with the many responses to loss, and the meanings we ascribe to our bodies, which both represent and hinder the essence of us. It is a book that draws you in on so many levels, and will leave you questioning, What if the unthinkable happened to our family? How would I react, and who might I become?
June 26, 2016
I've been sitting on this review not really knowing what to write.
The book explores the very difficult topic of organ donation from the viewpoint of a coordinating Nurse in the hospital (who talks to the families and tries to provide them with information to make a decision about donation), who also happens to be a mother with a terminally ill child in need of a liver donation. Understandably, the Nurse's family is under stress and her marriage is breaking apart.
The book is well written with respect given for this very difficult subject matter. It was at times full of hope, but also despair and disappointment. I think what I like about Lester's style is that she doesn't tell the reader what to think or feel. We are provided with information about a situation and left to our own pondering. It makes for a novel that has you thinking well after you have finished reading.
The book explores the very difficult topic of organ donation from the viewpoint of a coordinating Nurse in the hospital (who talks to the families and tries to provide them with information to make a decision about donation), who also happens to be a mother with a terminally ill child in need of a liver donation. Understandably, the Nurse's family is under stress and her marriage is breaking apart.
The book is well written with respect given for this very difficult subject matter. It was at times full of hope, but also despair and disappointment. I think what I like about Lester's style is that she doesn't tell the reader what to think or feel. We are provided with information about a situation and left to our own pondering. It makes for a novel that has you thinking well after you have finished reading.
February 17, 2013
This novel tells the story of Camiile, a transplant coordinator, in the midst of a family crisis. While she wrestles with her daughter's illness and failing marriage, she also begins to organise an art exhibition that forces her to confront the story of her own mother, Alix, a heart surgeon, and Alix's two partners: Camille's father, and her second partner, Jack. These parts of the story are cleverly woven in as a separate thread as Camille prepares 'Notes on an exhibition'.
This is Natasha Lester's second novel. I was prompted to read it as she is appearing at the 2013 Perth Writer's Festival, and I'm so pleased that I did. It is beautifully written with rich, poetic language, and I think Natasha's big strength is her ability to capture the intricacies of relationships: husband and wife; mother and infant; mother and daughter. In many ways, these parts of the book are its main strength. Some of the scenes involving a depressed mother and infant were incredibly touching and realistic. These raise questions about Alix's mental health and personality, and the effect that this has had on Camille and her own coping strategies.
It's probably fair to say that the two main female characters are difficult to like at times: the way they cope with the traumas in their lives can make them seem harsh, particularly Camille's mother, Alix. But this in itself is what's interesting about the book and raises it above a typical family drama: the characters are complex and realistic and make you question your own emotional responses.
This is a complex, emotional and beautiful book. Highly recommended.
This is Natasha Lester's second novel. I was prompted to read it as she is appearing at the 2013 Perth Writer's Festival, and I'm so pleased that I did. It is beautifully written with rich, poetic language, and I think Natasha's big strength is her ability to capture the intricacies of relationships: husband and wife; mother and infant; mother and daughter. In many ways, these parts of the book are its main strength. Some of the scenes involving a depressed mother and infant were incredibly touching and realistic. These raise questions about Alix's mental health and personality, and the effect that this has had on Camille and her own coping strategies.
It's probably fair to say that the two main female characters are difficult to like at times: the way they cope with the traumas in their lives can make them seem harsh, particularly Camille's mother, Alix. But this in itself is what's interesting about the book and raises it above a typical family drama: the characters are complex and realistic and make you question your own emotional responses.
This is a complex, emotional and beautiful book. Highly recommended.
October 6, 2012
Camille is the daughter of one of Australia's first female transplant surgeons and has herself forged a career as a nurse, working with the families of potential organ donors. Besides that, she is the mother of two young girls, one who is in desperate need of a liver transplant.
Poignant and compelling, this book explores an uncomfortable reality of organ donation - when those waiting for an organ essentially have to hope for the death of another so they might live. Beautifully written with lyrical, flowing prose you cannot help but feel Camille's despair as she watches her daughter grow sicker while trying to nurture her other child and deal with a less than loving marriage.
Interwoven into the medical storyline is a subplot where Camille has been invited to oversee an exhibition of her late father's sculptures. Reading her mother's diaries, Camille comes to learn more of her parents who both died when she was young. Some of the truths revealed in the pages are honest and shocking, leaving Camille with more things to grapple with in her already complex and stressful existence.
On a separate note, I thought the medical information within this story was accurately presented with great skill. It is never easy to include a lot of technical information within a story, but the author has folded it in seamlessly without detracting from the emotional content of the book.
Haunting and honest, If I Should Lose You is a thought provoking novel that explores multiple themes and challenges many ideas on life, death and parenthood.
Poignant and compelling, this book explores an uncomfortable reality of organ donation - when those waiting for an organ essentially have to hope for the death of another so they might live. Beautifully written with lyrical, flowing prose you cannot help but feel Camille's despair as she watches her daughter grow sicker while trying to nurture her other child and deal with a less than loving marriage.
Interwoven into the medical storyline is a subplot where Camille has been invited to oversee an exhibition of her late father's sculptures. Reading her mother's diaries, Camille comes to learn more of her parents who both died when she was young. Some of the truths revealed in the pages are honest and shocking, leaving Camille with more things to grapple with in her already complex and stressful existence.
On a separate note, I thought the medical information within this story was accurately presented with great skill. It is never easy to include a lot of technical information within a story, but the author has folded it in seamlessly without detracting from the emotional content of the book.
Haunting and honest, If I Should Lose You is a thought provoking novel that explores multiple themes and challenges many ideas on life, death and parenthood.
September 23, 2012
This beautifully written book explores the issues surrounding organ donation from several perspectives: firstly the medical staff whose job is to persuade the families of 'braindead' people to donate their loved one's organs, secondly, those who actually perform the transplants, and finally, the family of a little girl who desperately needs a liver transplant.
The novel took me into a world I've never encountered, and opened my mind to the myriad issues surrounding the entire process of organ donation. I did not know, for example, that though I am a registered organ donor, it would still be up to my husband whether or not to donate my organs if I died. I had never considered what it would be like for him, if, for example, an accident rendered me braindead, to have to let me be wheeled into surgery to have my organs 'harvested'. Or, worse still, how the families of those on organ transplant waiting lists might actually pray for another child to die, so that theirs might live.
The narrative thread of Addie's wait for a new liver and the strain this places on her parents' marriage is interspersed with the story of Camille's mother, and the two men she loved, both artists. Though Camille's mother's story has its own share of tragedy, it is wonderfully romantic and thus provides some welcome relief from the intensity of Addie's story.
Lester's novel tackles the big questions of life and death in a very compelling way, but it also just as convincingly depicts the more easily relatable realm of marriage and parenthood. A confronting and thought-provoking read.
The novel took me into a world I've never encountered, and opened my mind to the myriad issues surrounding the entire process of organ donation. I did not know, for example, that though I am a registered organ donor, it would still be up to my husband whether or not to donate my organs if I died. I had never considered what it would be like for him, if, for example, an accident rendered me braindead, to have to let me be wheeled into surgery to have my organs 'harvested'. Or, worse still, how the families of those on organ transplant waiting lists might actually pray for another child to die, so that theirs might live.
The narrative thread of Addie's wait for a new liver and the strain this places on her parents' marriage is interspersed with the story of Camille's mother, and the two men she loved, both artists. Though Camille's mother's story has its own share of tragedy, it is wonderfully romantic and thus provides some welcome relief from the intensity of Addie's story.
Lester's novel tackles the big questions of life and death in a very compelling way, but it also just as convincingly depicts the more easily relatable realm of marriage and parenthood. A confronting and thought-provoking read.
February 11, 2013
If I Should Lose You is a beautifully written, moving story dealing with the difficult subject of organ donation. Camille is a nurse who helps families of donors through the process, while her own daughter is battling a life threatening illness (requiring a liver transplant).
This is a multi-layered story that also explores the relationship Camillie's parents shared. Although both tragically died young,through the reading of her mother's diaries, Camille comes to learn more about them - yet much of the information imparted is shocking and not easy to deal with. Adding to this stress, Camille's marriage is in difficulty, a casualty of the many balls she has to juggle.
Easy to read but not an easy read, If I Should Lose You was a book that I simply couldn't put down - each sentence pulling me further into the storyline and ultimately leaving an impression on me as a reader.
This is a multi-layered story that also explores the relationship Camillie's parents shared. Although both tragically died young,through the reading of her mother's diaries, Camille comes to learn more about them - yet much of the information imparted is shocking and not easy to deal with. Adding to this stress, Camille's marriage is in difficulty, a casualty of the many balls she has to juggle.
Easy to read but not an easy read, If I Should Lose You was a book that I simply couldn't put down - each sentence pulling me further into the storyline and ultimately leaving an impression on me as a reader.
March 4, 2014
Camille is a nurse specialising in transplant medicine. She is the one that provides all of the information about donating organs to the families and loved ones of people who no longer need them. It’s a difficult job – speaking to a person about the use of someone’s organs when they’re at their most vulnerable can provoke a wide range of reactions including hostility and hysteria.
Camille is also mother to three year old Addie who has biliary atresia, a disease of the liver. Addie has been very sick for a long time and it’s getting to the crucial stage now – she requires a liver and she requires one very soon if she is to survive. Camille helps many people with the decision of organ donation but she cannot help her own daughter. Instead she must watch and wait – and pray. Pray for the unthinkable to happen to someone else’s child so that her child might live.
In her spare time between shifts at work and shifts at the hospital sitting with Addie, Camille is coordinating an art exhibition of art devoted to her mother. Camille’s mother Alix was a heart transplant surgeon who loved two men – one who worked in plaster sculpture the other a painter and both dedicated many works to her. Working on the art show is therapeutic for Camille – it allows her to open her mind to the woman she knows so little about, her own mother and it gives her a creative outlet in a time of chaos as she waits for the news that might save her daughter’s life.
About a week or two ago I watched a vlog by Australian author Natasha Lester talking about the books she’s read for the month. I love hearing people talk about the books they’ve been reading and ended up adding several of them to my TBR list. I requested them from my local library and grabbed her own book while I was at it. It interested me because several years ago at my brother’s wedding, I met a little boy with biliary atresia and through my brother and his wife, have followed his progress on facebook and through local newspaper reports as his situation got progressively worse and his need for a transplant grew. In December of 2013, he got his much needed gift and only days before reading this book, I read an article about how he has recovered from that transplant and what outcome his life has now and how he is learning to basically live as a child again. It’s a really lovely story that so far has a good outcome, an outcome I wasn’t sure would be replicated in this book.
If I had to think of two words to describe this book, it would be raw and honest. Camille works two days a week as a transplant coordinator, helping guide people through the decision making process of donating organs. And while she does this, her own daughter who is just a toddler, edges ever closer to being at the point on the list where a transplant is critical. At one stage, Addie is number 2 on the list and then becomes first. Camille knows it’s because the child that was first on the list, no longer requires the organ. The two options are they already got one or they died before one became available – and it’s most likely the latter. Camille has to hope for horrible, terrible things so that her daughter might live. She prays for an accident, a child hitting her head, etc. Something that renders their brain function dead but perfectly preserves the rest of their body and the precious organ inside that Addie so desperately needs. The scenes in this book where Addie is in the hospital after vomiting blood are heartbreaking. I have a child not much younger than Addie and I found myself attempting to imagine how it would feel if I were Camille and it were my son that was so ill in hospital. How we would coordinate shifts spending time with him (we don’t have family here to help out by taking shifts at the hospital or looking after our older son) and how I’d feel desperately waiting. Camille voices the thoughts I’m sure most parents in her situation would have, even if only during the darkest times. I found her honesty as refreshing as it was horrifying but I could understand it. She sees death every day and I think she has sort of become immune to it on some levels, it’s the way that organs are found. It isn’t until very late in the story that she seems to realise the horror that another parent will have to go through in order for her not to experience it.
The relationship between Paul and Camille is brutally honest as well. They’ve been doing the rounds of a sick child for a long time now and it’s taken a toll on their marriage, especially as they deal with Addie’s sickness in different ways and Camille sees Paul’s way as not even being affected by it. She has disdain for him at times, but there are other times when they connect in different ways. They also have a younger daughter as well who needs to be cared for and cherished and I imagine that this is a very difficult thing to balance when one child needs you so much and yet you have another as well. Rosie is younger than Addie, only 18m and even though Camille only works part time, at times it is very much a difficult load to juggle.
The story of Camille’s mother Alix and her two lovers, Camille’s father and the man she met after he died, was less interesting to me but I really did like the heart transplant information in Alix’s scenes when she was working. Given Camille’s career, it was good to see what happens to the organ after it’s harvested, the scenarios that are successful and the ones that are not. I’d have liked a little bit more about that in the story! But mostly it was Camille’s journey that captivated me here – it is a very powerful story.
Camille is also mother to three year old Addie who has biliary atresia, a disease of the liver. Addie has been very sick for a long time and it’s getting to the crucial stage now – she requires a liver and she requires one very soon if she is to survive. Camille helps many people with the decision of organ donation but she cannot help her own daughter. Instead she must watch and wait – and pray. Pray for the unthinkable to happen to someone else’s child so that her child might live.
In her spare time between shifts at work and shifts at the hospital sitting with Addie, Camille is coordinating an art exhibition of art devoted to her mother. Camille’s mother Alix was a heart transplant surgeon who loved two men – one who worked in plaster sculpture the other a painter and both dedicated many works to her. Working on the art show is therapeutic for Camille – it allows her to open her mind to the woman she knows so little about, her own mother and it gives her a creative outlet in a time of chaos as she waits for the news that might save her daughter’s life.
About a week or two ago I watched a vlog by Australian author Natasha Lester talking about the books she’s read for the month. I love hearing people talk about the books they’ve been reading and ended up adding several of them to my TBR list. I requested them from my local library and grabbed her own book while I was at it. It interested me because several years ago at my brother’s wedding, I met a little boy with biliary atresia and through my brother and his wife, have followed his progress on facebook and through local newspaper reports as his situation got progressively worse and his need for a transplant grew. In December of 2013, he got his much needed gift and only days before reading this book, I read an article about how he has recovered from that transplant and what outcome his life has now and how he is learning to basically live as a child again. It’s a really lovely story that so far has a good outcome, an outcome I wasn’t sure would be replicated in this book.
If I had to think of two words to describe this book, it would be raw and honest. Camille works two days a week as a transplant coordinator, helping guide people through the decision making process of donating organs. And while she does this, her own daughter who is just a toddler, edges ever closer to being at the point on the list where a transplant is critical. At one stage, Addie is number 2 on the list and then becomes first. Camille knows it’s because the child that was first on the list, no longer requires the organ. The two options are they already got one or they died before one became available – and it’s most likely the latter. Camille has to hope for horrible, terrible things so that her daughter might live. She prays for an accident, a child hitting her head, etc. Something that renders their brain function dead but perfectly preserves the rest of their body and the precious organ inside that Addie so desperately needs. The scenes in this book where Addie is in the hospital after vomiting blood are heartbreaking. I have a child not much younger than Addie and I found myself attempting to imagine how it would feel if I were Camille and it were my son that was so ill in hospital. How we would coordinate shifts spending time with him (we don’t have family here to help out by taking shifts at the hospital or looking after our older son) and how I’d feel desperately waiting. Camille voices the thoughts I’m sure most parents in her situation would have, even if only during the darkest times. I found her honesty as refreshing as it was horrifying but I could understand it. She sees death every day and I think she has sort of become immune to it on some levels, it’s the way that organs are found. It isn’t until very late in the story that she seems to realise the horror that another parent will have to go through in order for her not to experience it.
The relationship between Paul and Camille is brutally honest as well. They’ve been doing the rounds of a sick child for a long time now and it’s taken a toll on their marriage, especially as they deal with Addie’s sickness in different ways and Camille sees Paul’s way as not even being affected by it. She has disdain for him at times, but there are other times when they connect in different ways. They also have a younger daughter as well who needs to be cared for and cherished and I imagine that this is a very difficult thing to balance when one child needs you so much and yet you have another as well. Rosie is younger than Addie, only 18m and even though Camille only works part time, at times it is very much a difficult load to juggle.
The story of Camille’s mother Alix and her two lovers, Camille’s father and the man she met after he died, was less interesting to me but I really did like the heart transplant information in Alix’s scenes when she was working. Given Camille’s career, it was good to see what happens to the organ after it’s harvested, the scenarios that are successful and the ones that are not. I’d have liked a little bit more about that in the story! But mostly it was Camille’s journey that captivated me here – it is a very powerful story.
May 19, 2024
If I should lose you
A beautiful story of love and loss. It was so easy to get immersed in this book.
The love story of Camille’s mother who lost the love of her life is heartbreaking while Camille is faced with losing her three year old daughter.
The art Camille’s father created along with the art her mother’s next lover created brought together in an exhibition.
So much is happening and it is all put together beautifully to create a wonderful read. It shows grief and the strength of motherhood amongst all else.
Thanks to Beauty and Lace and Fremantle Press for my copy to read and review. I highly recommend this book and to watch out for Natasha Lester’s book.
A beautiful story of love and loss. It was so easy to get immersed in this book.
The love story of Camille’s mother who lost the love of her life is heartbreaking while Camille is faced with losing her three year old daughter.
The art Camille’s father created along with the art her mother’s next lover created brought together in an exhibition.
So much is happening and it is all put together beautifully to create a wonderful read. It shows grief and the strength of motherhood amongst all else.
Thanks to Beauty and Lace and Fremantle Press for my copy to read and review. I highly recommend this book and to watch out for Natasha Lester’s book.
September 18, 2017
I won this book in a Goodreads giveaway thanks to the generosity of the author and publishers. I enjoyed the mix of motherhood, art and love together with the struggles of working with sick children and hospital visits.
May 26, 2020
Emotional, well-researched story of a mother's love for her dying child.
January 28, 2016
If I Could Lose You was not a book I devoured in one sitting, it was a novel that I nibbled on, savouring each mouthful. Natasha's writing style is beautifully descriptive and engaging without being overwritten. Told from the point of view of a nurse, the story tackled life and death in that slightly detached way that those in the medical profession develop in order to cope. It was emotionally engaging and thought provoking, but not in an exhausting rollercoaster way. I loved the way Natasha wove together tales of past and present, art and medicine, love and loss. The novel discussed organ transplants from the perspective of the surgical team, the donor and their family, and the recipient and their family, prompting me to have a discussion with my husband about organ donation.
This is the first book I've read by Natasha Lester and I'm looking forward to reading more.
This is the first book I've read by Natasha Lester and I'm looking forward to reading more.
January 20, 2016
The rather girly cover is misleading. It isn’t light reading, not the sort of light-hearted book I had in mind when I packed it for my trip. It is a soul-searching and painfully honest book, exploring fundamental issues of love, loss, guilt and medical ethics.
To read the rest of my review, please visit http://anzlitlovers.com/2012/08/28/if...
PS I'm sorry this review isn't more detailed, I was away in Russia at the time of reading it and I didn't have time to write as much as I would have liked.
September 23, 2012
So, you know that phrase "Don't judge a book by it's cover"? Well first look at this cover, I thought the book would be a lighthearted story- as someone as mentioned in the previous comments. However this book is far from a lighthearted story, it is a very emotional and heartfelt story, with the reader left pondering after finishing the books. I really liked the book overall,besides from the fact that I felt kind of sad afterwards.
July 24, 2012
An intricately woven story of two mothers, If I Should Lose You by Natasha Lester is a story that will stay with readers not only because of its wisdom, but because of the questions it raises.
See full review at http://www.writenotereviews.com/g-i1....
See full review at http://www.writenotereviews.com/g-i1....
August 14, 2024
I know that I am the minority with my rating, but I found it hard to read, not because of the emotional nature, but because it was boring and didn’t seem to be going anywhere.
August 22, 2024
I have read and enjoyed many of Natasha Lester’s historical fictions, but they in no way prepared me for the emotional impact of “If I Should Lose You”. If you have ever loved someone – anyone – Lester’s latest novel will yank your heart out and stomp on it.
Camille is a donor coordinator, a nurse who counsels and supports families donating organs. Which is ironic, as her own three year old daughter Addie desperately needs an organ. While Camille is ethically bound to keep her professional role and her maternal role separate, she can’t help the emotional overlap.
In many ways Camille feels she’s alone with her daughter’s illness. Her husband seems to have checked out, always at work, never at the hospital, rarely actually present even when he’s physically at home.
In the midst of this emotional turmoil, Camille is invited to curate an exhibition of the art of her late father, juxtaposed with the art of her late mother’s lover. Although Camille welcomes the challenge to the artistic part of her that’s lain unused for years, she does not welcome the additional turmoil which will come from exploring her mother’s life.
This is a novel about love and loss, but Lester doesn’t confine herself to just one kind of loss.
There’s a strong exploration of the relationship between mothers and children – they happen to be daughters, in each generation, but I’m not sure that’s significant. Lester also shows a sensitive eye for the loss of love, as a marriage goes cold, and for the obsessive passion that a new lover can bring.
This is a complex novel – no relationship ever sits alone. Each is intertwined in a network of other relationships, past and present. And yet, textually, it’s an easy read: Lester’s understated style helps the pages turn fast and keeps the focus on the emotions evoked rather than the words.
We spend most of the novel in Camille’s heart and head. I found Lester’s almost distant narrative style incredibly effective in drawing me in: it didn’t distance me, it just gave the sense of a woman who is keeping herself at a remove from her own emotions in order to function. Camille is well aware that she’s doing it, but can’t envision how she could handle her emotionally fraught days without some ice in her veins.
Readers will quickly engage with Camille. Lester tends to steer away from cheap heart string tugging strategies, instead drawing readers deeply into Camille’s emotions and then letting them share her agony.
This is not a happy novel, but my goodness it is worth reading. It is beautiful and devastating and the kind of novel that you’ll remember for a long long time.
If you enjoyed this review, please visit www.otherdreamsotherlives.home.blog to read more.
An edited version of this review first appeared on www.beautyandlace.net as part of their bookclub.
Camille is a donor coordinator, a nurse who counsels and supports families donating organs. Which is ironic, as her own three year old daughter Addie desperately needs an organ. While Camille is ethically bound to keep her professional role and her maternal role separate, she can’t help the emotional overlap.
In many ways Camille feels she’s alone with her daughter’s illness. Her husband seems to have checked out, always at work, never at the hospital, rarely actually present even when he’s physically at home.
In the midst of this emotional turmoil, Camille is invited to curate an exhibition of the art of her late father, juxtaposed with the art of her late mother’s lover. Although Camille welcomes the challenge to the artistic part of her that’s lain unused for years, she does not welcome the additional turmoil which will come from exploring her mother’s life.
This is a novel about love and loss, but Lester doesn’t confine herself to just one kind of loss.
There’s a strong exploration of the relationship between mothers and children – they happen to be daughters, in each generation, but I’m not sure that’s significant. Lester also shows a sensitive eye for the loss of love, as a marriage goes cold, and for the obsessive passion that a new lover can bring.
This is a complex novel – no relationship ever sits alone. Each is intertwined in a network of other relationships, past and present. And yet, textually, it’s an easy read: Lester’s understated style helps the pages turn fast and keeps the focus on the emotions evoked rather than the words.
We spend most of the novel in Camille’s heart and head. I found Lester’s almost distant narrative style incredibly effective in drawing me in: it didn’t distance me, it just gave the sense of a woman who is keeping herself at a remove from her own emotions in order to function. Camille is well aware that she’s doing it, but can’t envision how she could handle her emotionally fraught days without some ice in her veins.
Readers will quickly engage with Camille. Lester tends to steer away from cheap heart string tugging strategies, instead drawing readers deeply into Camille’s emotions and then letting them share her agony.
This is not a happy novel, but my goodness it is worth reading. It is beautiful and devastating and the kind of novel that you’ll remember for a long long time.
If you enjoyed this review, please visit www.otherdreamsotherlives.home.blog to read more.
An edited version of this review first appeared on www.beautyandlace.net as part of their bookclub.
March 31, 2024
I’m a huge fan of this author. She’s one of the reasons I became a historical fiction convert which, once upon a time, I didn’t think was possible. Her stories about trailblazing women feature a heady combination of danger, romance, fashion and history. She is an award-winning, internationally bestselling author of an impressive catalogue of books, including one of my faves, The Paris Secret. So it was with great curiosity that I arrived at one of her early works, first published in 2012, as it gets re-released this week wearing a new jacket.
If I Should Lose You was written before Natasha’s foray into historical fiction and is a modern-day story of a transplant nurse whose daughter is critically ill and in need of a donor organ. As Camille is dealing with the terrifying possibility that her little girl may not make it, she is also forced to face her failing marriage and the truth about how her mother really died.
It’s a lot!
Death is the underlying theme of the book, explored not only through the urgent storyline of organ donation, but also through the artistic world of painting and sculpting.
While Natasha’s historical novels are an escape from reality, this contemporary story is the opposite; raw, confronting, real! This could be happening to the family next door, or a friend, or a family member.
There were moments when I didn’t particularly like Camille. She’d say or do something that made me uncomfortable. But I understood her – and felt for her – at all times.
Just as compelling as her historical novels and equally as well researched, this book may be one of Natasha’s oldest, but the story itself is ageless. I read it in a day.
If I Should Lose You was written before Natasha’s foray into historical fiction and is a modern-day story of a transplant nurse whose daughter is critically ill and in need of a donor organ. As Camille is dealing with the terrifying possibility that her little girl may not make it, she is also forced to face her failing marriage and the truth about how her mother really died.
It’s a lot!
Death is the underlying theme of the book, explored not only through the urgent storyline of organ donation, but also through the artistic world of painting and sculpting.
While Natasha’s historical novels are an escape from reality, this contemporary story is the opposite; raw, confronting, real! This could be happening to the family next door, or a friend, or a family member.
There were moments when I didn’t particularly like Camille. She’d say or do something that made me uncomfortable. But I understood her – and felt for her – at all times.
Just as compelling as her historical novels and equally as well researched, this book may be one of Natasha’s oldest, but the story itself is ageless. I read it in a day.
September 18, 2024
When your told your child is terminal you go into shock. Then you start to mourn, even when your child is still with you. In my case it was not a case of if my child would die but when.
At the time Ehlers Danlos Syndrome was not heard of. Unfortunately just our luck she had type 4. Which is the worst one you could get. We went through a brain aneurysm and a bowel rupture. I sat by my child's side. Also while trying to work full time. We knew my daughter would not live to see old age, but just what time frame we had we didn't know.
Sadly, from diagnosis at 16 til she passed at the age of 22. As fate would have it, the major artery in her abdomen ruptured while she was on holiday in Malaysia.
You never really get over the loss of a child, you just learn to live with it. This story was bitter sweet as the main character had her husband for support. For the most of my time I did it solo. As her father and I been divorced for many years
I hope nobody else feels the hopelessness of losing a child overseas. You never get the chance to say goodbye.
At the time Ehlers Danlos Syndrome was not heard of. Unfortunately just our luck she had type 4. Which is the worst one you could get. We went through a brain aneurysm and a bowel rupture. I sat by my child's side. Also while trying to work full time. We knew my daughter would not live to see old age, but just what time frame we had we didn't know.
Sadly, from diagnosis at 16 til she passed at the age of 22. As fate would have it, the major artery in her abdomen ruptured while she was on holiday in Malaysia.
You never really get over the loss of a child, you just learn to live with it. This story was bitter sweet as the main character had her husband for support. For the most of my time I did it solo. As her father and I been divorced for many years
I hope nobody else feels the hopelessness of losing a child overseas. You never get the chance to say goodbye.
May 1, 2024
4-4.5 ⭐️
If I Should Lose You is Natasha Lester’s second novel. First published in 2012 and re-released in 2024 by Fremantle Press. While Lester is now known for her historical fiction, this is a contemporary story of Camille, a transplant nurse who counsels families of brain dead patients through their options regarding organ donation. Meanwhile her own three year old daughter is critically ill and on the transplant list. Examining the toll on parents and relationships, the novel follows a dual timeline of Camille’s parent - a heart surgeon and an artist - and their relationship.
This took me a little bit to get into but it wasn’t long before I was hooked into the story. Well worth a read.
If I Should Lose You is Natasha Lester’s second novel. First published in 2012 and re-released in 2024 by Fremantle Press. While Lester is now known for her historical fiction, this is a contemporary story of Camille, a transplant nurse who counsels families of brain dead patients through their options regarding organ donation. Meanwhile her own three year old daughter is critically ill and on the transplant list. Examining the toll on parents and relationships, the novel follows a dual timeline of Camille’s parent - a heart surgeon and an artist - and their relationship.
This took me a little bit to get into but it wasn’t long before I was hooked into the story. Well worth a read.
December 24, 2023
An extremely thought-provoking novel; powerful & poignant in its subject, yet almost detached in its revealing. I understand the why of it in an academic way, but I was repelled by the sheer self-centredness of both women, particularly Camille. And yet, I imagine that is the way a mother would feel - "please let someone's child die so mine can live" -, no amount of experience as Organ Donor Co-ordinator had prepared Camille for it. A compelling exploration of love, grief, art, & the bodies that hold them; a very surprising book.
September 6, 2024
A beautifully written book, full of complex emotions and it was very hard to put down. I kept waiting for the miracle, for the happy ending, but it never came. Whilst it was left open ended, you can definitely read into what happens next, even if your mind struggles to go there. Terribly saddening, but so well put together.
A great read albeit an incredibly sad but necessary subject that is unfortunately the reality for so many.
A great read albeit an incredibly sad but necessary subject that is unfortunately the reality for so many.
July 3, 2025
I spotted this at my library, a reissue of a 2012 book which I had not read before. It is so interesting, though a little close to home (living with someone who needs a lung transplant to survive) Lester has certainly improved in her writing in the 12 years between writing this and now. It is not a long novel, but both the critically ill Addie and the dead parents love stories would have been sufficient for me, it seemed a bit over complicated joining the two strands.
July 3, 2025
I learnt a lot about heart transplant and the process and emotions through decisions of organ transplant.
an emotional book about Camillie finding out more about the life of her mother a heart transplant surgeon and her father an artist , whilst also dealing with the pressures of a stressed marriage, working and dealing with a very young daughter requiring a liver transplant.
an emotional book about Camillie finding out more about the life of her mother a heart transplant surgeon and her father an artist , whilst also dealing with the pressures of a stressed marriage, working and dealing with a very young daughter requiring a liver transplant.
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
January 1, 2025
Was very close to being a DNF I persevered, not sure why. It just never grabbed me. Even though the topics covered are very emotional I found it boring and way too much focus on the technicalities of the artwork.
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