The Ace and Aro Relationship Guide: Making It Work in Friendship, Love, and Sex

by Cody Daigle-Orians

Should I be upfront with someone I'm interested in that I'm ace or aro?
How do I get people to respect my boundaries around intimacy?
What if I don't want intimacy at all?
It is selfish to pursue a relationship if I don't want romance?
These questions are not only a source of deep anxiety and frustration for ace and aro people - but limit the heights that ace and aro folks believe they can reach for in their lives. These questions make us believe that we should settle for less, when in fact we all deserve more.
. Whether we're talking about friendships, romantic relationships, casual dates or casual intimate partners, this guide will help you not only live authentically in your ace and aro identity, but joyfully share it with others.

Genres: Nonfiction, Queer, LGBT, Sexuality, Asexual, Self Help, Audiobook

224 pages, Paperback

First published October 21, 2024

Reviews

[Silvia · Rating 4 out of 5]

I was sent this book as an advanced copy by the publisher via NetGalley for reviewing purposes, but all opinions are my own.

I think this book can be an incredibly useful tool for aspec people. It provides a theoretical framework within which one can explore, even just in their own head, whether a certain type of relationship can be a good fit for them. Of course, this isn't a substitute for actual trial and failure, but it can make the inevitable trial (and possible failure) much smoother.

It's hard to give an objective opinion on something that is meant to touch the reader on such a personal level. Despite my neurodivergent need to always over-analyze and theorize much more than I should, I will say that I am happy that this guide exists, and also that, once read, one has to forget some of it, because life will always be more complex than what anyone can put into words.

[Kara Babcock · Rating 5 out of 5]

Last year I reviewed the internet’s favourite ace dad’s book I Am Ace: Advice on Living Your Best Asexual Life . Now, Cody Daigle-Orians is back with The Ace and Aro Relationship Guide: Making It Work in Friendship, Love, and Sex. While both books are aimed at aspec readers, this latter is a more focused and broader exploration of the nature of relationships—of all kinds—as an acespec or arospec person. Jessica Kingsley Publishers has been killing it putting out so many awesome books about being asexual and aromantic—check out my asexuality bookshelf for more. I received an eARC in exchange for a review, and I read this book during Ace Week!

As many of you already know, I am both asexual and aromantic. I’ve known this about myself for a long time and found both labels at different points in my twenties. Personally, my experience with discovering and navigating my sexuality has not been traumatic. Aside from a few awkward attempts at asking people out in high school, romance and sex just never happened for me, and I have always been happy with that. In fact, when I was initially offered a copy of this book, I debated whether to read it. My first impression was that this book is aimed at ace people who want to find a romantic partner, or vice versa, aro people looking for a committed relationship without the romance angle. Neither of those things describe me—I learned from this book that I am nonamorous, i.e., I don’t desire a single, central relationship in my life and instead find fulfillment through a decentralized network of various relationships.

So I couldn’t have been more wrong: this is a book for all aspec people. Whether you are aroace like me, alloromantic asexual, allosexual aromantic, or some form of demi or grey or whatever other labels work for you, The Ace and Aro Relationship Guide has got you covered.

And let’s talk about labels for a moment. This always seems to come up when we start discussing any type of queer identity beyond the basic Neapolitan ice cream flavours of gay or straight. Yeah, there a lot of labels and microlabels out there, and look, I get it—it can feel overwhelming. And yeah, I was a little bored during parts of this book because Daigle-Orians covers labels and ideas that are familiar to me, as an extremely online queer person. I know all about sex-favourable vs sex-averse (me) versus sex-repulsed. But hey, maybe someone—especially younger someones in their teens and twenties, who are the primary target here—needs to learn those terms. Like I said earlier, I learned about nonamory from this book and that it applies to me, and that is pretty damn cool.

Indeed, if I have a criticism of this book, it’s that it reads more like a serial of wiki entries than an actual “guide” of sorts. I don’t know what the print version looks like, but the ebook would benefit from a lot of hyperlinking, and I’d love to see a print version with callout bubbles saying, “For more on this, go to page….” The content here is perhaps more suited to a nonlinear form, like a wiki, rather than a book. Yet here we are.

On the bright side, the book’s organization is logical and extremely helpful. It’s divided into two broad parts: “The Relationship Toolkit” and “The Relationship Workshop.” Daigle-Orians constructs a framework around the idea of an “ANKOP relationship” (“a new kind of perfect”) where we redefine our expectations of the conditions required for a relationship to be valid, healthy, and loving. That is, their thesis here is that relationships need neither sex nor romance to be valid. In the first part, they explore the tools we need to be successful in any relationship: an understanding of boundaries and consent, communication, trust, etc. In the second part, each chapter applies these ideas to a different kind of relationship: platonic, sexual, romantic, etc. Daigle-Orians also does their best to acknowledge how the lines between these kinds of relationships blur, how some relationships don’t fit neatly into boxes, etc.

Like many a more reference-oriented work, this organization lets you dip in and out—it’s not meant to be read linearly like I stubbornly do with all books of this type. So you could pick up this guide just for a couple of chapters. But if you read it all the way through, of course, you also get to see the themes Daigle-Orians develops and the connections made throughout the chapters.

To be frank and vulnerable, this was kind of a healing book for me. Although I haven’t experienced much direct trauma as a result of being aroace, I experience the erasure, the amatonormative pressure, the compulsory sexuality that our society constantly directs at all of us. I nearly broke down playing The Outer Worlds this week because its ace NPC, Parvati, was coming out to me, and the game includes dialogue options that not just allow me to sympathize but actually say, “I am ace too, and I am also aro,” and that was so powerful. Just to be seen and recognized like that, both in terms of Parvati sharing her lived experience but then also getting to assert my own through my player character. Wow.

In the same way, The Ace and Aro Relationship Guide carefully and compassionately acknowledges the hurt and pain that often comes from being aspec in an allonormative, amatonormative world. Perhaps more significantly, it does this in a constructive way. The ANKOP framework is here to say, “Look, it doesn’t have to be this way.” And while this book really gets more into the weeds than an allo reader might need, this is the kind of learning allosexual and alloromantic people need to do as well.

So, to sum up: this is a book that made me feel seen and valid as an aroace woman. It introduced me to some new terminology. Even though I feel like I am largely successfully applying the ANKOP ideas in my life already (humblebrag), I got stuff from this book. For a younger reader, for someone just figuring out their sexuality, for people trying to put into words their feelings or desires around connection … yeah, The Ace and Aro Relationship Guide is invaluable. Highly, highly recommend.

Originally posted on Kara.Reviews.

[Janine · Rating 5 out of 5]

Despite the name, The Ace and Aro Relationship Guide by Cody Daigle-Orians (aka The Ace Dad) is not strictly a dating/sex guide. It's a guide to build your own satisfying relationships, without the societal expectations of romance and/or sex, as many guides in this genre tend to do, so this is a breath of fresh air. It's also a great reference book for the aspec community.

The book is divided into two parts. The first builds out your ten-part relationship tool kit, with each element described in detail. This part could be also used as a self help guide, even if you're not looking for a relationship, as each chapter has reflections and acting on the concepts presented in it. This is important to build your boundaries and increase your chances on a successful relationship.

The second part goes more into the stages of a relationship, as well as types of relationships, including sex and romance if you choose to have them. Even though I've been well read on the aspec community for a bit, I did end up learning a few new terms, and since this community is much newer than the other GSRM communities, this will be a great insight for those just exploring.

There's a good resource section where you can learn more at the end of the book. In fact, this book with all the information it dishes out, could be used as a reference guide as well as a relationship guide.

Each chapter begins with a story from Cody's life to tie into the themes and topics introduced and gives the book a personal touch and relatable. I love Cody's prose and the way everything is explained in a simple, yet powerful way. There's so many highlights on my kindle. Throughout the book, Cody affirms asexuals and/or aromatics that they are valid and not broken for the way they are.

This book is good for anyone 12 and over to hold at nearly every stage of life. While aspec people are the target audience and the main priority and are treated as valid (unlike many other relationship self help guides), I feel this could be used by those outside the community as well, especially if you're looking to build a primary relationship without romance and/or sex or simply learn about an aspect of aspec people's lives.

*I received an ARC from Netgalley and Jessica Kingsley Pub. All opinions are my own.*

[mtrics · Rating 5 out of 5]

I received an ARC in exchange for an honest review.

For a book just over 200 pages, this one packs a punch.

In it, the author coins the term “ANKOP” (A New Kind Of Perfect) as a toolbox for relationships and goes into detailed ways to reach stronger, more meaningful connections between the reader and their significant other(s). There is no one-size-fits-all approach to how we relate to others in our communities, so these tools are wonderful to know. Although the book will definitely be more useful to younger audiences (as the author candidly states in the introduction), I still enjoyed the positive affirmations and refresher course.

My favourite parts of the book were, first, the introduction —unusual, I know, but I found it delightfully honest regarding the book's limitations and what it was determined to achieve— and the “Reflect and Act” sections at the end of most chapters. I wish there could have been more of those!

It does get a bit repetitive over time, but I say this as an adult in a healthy and deeply fulfilling relationship. When I first tried to come to terms with my identity and how it would play out in my romantic (or platonic) relationships, this would have been such a valuable resource. I am so happy it exists, and I hope it'll get into the hands of as many young people as it can reach.

[Andrew Eder · Rating 4 out of 5]

Tbd I wasn’t expecting much as there still has yet to ever be a book better than Ace by Angela Chen and Diagle’s other Ace book just fell flat for me and didn’t give me anything new.

But THIS! Was great!! It gave me a lot to think about and A LOT of affirmation!! I left this feeling more confident and knowledgeable. It’s almost like a runner’s high! Obviously some chapters were more applicable to me than others, but I think it’s a GREAT catch all book for anyone that’s acespec in anyway, even those just thinking about it.

On a side note I also learned about Nonamory and feel pretty good with this new ID. I’m going to look into it more, but it’s on my list!

Overall, I underlined a lot and I nodded my head a lot. I also glanced and skimmed at a lot too that didn’t feel very pertinent. But it was a really strong read and I liked it a lot!

[peopleofcity · Rating 4 out of 5]

Finding love and connections with other people can feel daunting, especially when we are young, and even more so if we are also queer. If we happen to be queer in a way that neither our society nor we ourselves understand yet, these connections can quite frankly feel impossible.

Our teenage years are expected to come with feelings for people, and exploring those feelings. If we don’t, we might feel like we’re falling behind or that we’re childish. It’s hard to imagine “catching up” in the future, and being alone and lonely might seem definitive. It’s not, and no–you’re not the exception.

‘The Ace and Aro Relationship Guide’ deconstructs societal norms and provides advice on getting comfortable with often ignored conversation topics. The author acknowledges that they don’t have the lived experience of how all identities intersect in ways that might complicate this even more, but still approaches the subject with understanding and care.

I’ve been following @AceDadAdvice on TikTok for quite some time, and I’d like to pass along a way to view labels: Think of them like refrigerator magnets. If you feel unsure of your identity, remember that labels exist to help you understand yourself and others; we do not exist to fit the labels. If you think a label might help you understand yourself, or help you find community, it’s okay to try it out! Even if you’re not 100% sure, and even if it turns out to not be right. A friend of mine and I occasionally update each other on what label-magnets are on our imaginary refrigerators, and it’s kind of great.

Cody Daigle-Orians has written an encouraging and reassuring guide that will be useful to aro and ace people, those who know aro and ace people, and pretty much everyone else.


Thank you to Jessica Kingsley Publishers and NetGalley for the ARC!

[Swankivy · Rating 5 out of 5]

I'm an ace activist, and while many of the questions I field from outside the ace/aro communities are concerned with legitimizing (or delegitimizing) the orientations, the questions I hear from inside are a lot different. And one of the huge ones is about how the heck do we wrangle our relationships when so much of what defines partnerships tends to be wrapped up in expectations surrounding sex and romance. Thank goodness there's now a book that covers some of this ground and centers US.

This book has eleven chapters and each one addresses subjects aces and aros may deal with in our relationships with others. And let's be clear that this book isn't just about traditional partnerships. It doesn't center the cishet assumptions you tend to see in other relationship books, nor does it assume that a romantic and sexual relationship is the ideal that we should aspire to. This book covers sexual and romantic relationships from an ace and aro perspective AS WELL AS platonic relationships, friendships, and many others, with a central thread of teaching us to know ourselves and make sure we and others respect our needs.

Chapter 1, "Ace and Aro in an Allo World," lays out where we are now and what forces are always acting upon us (allonormativity, compulsory sexuality, amatonormativity, mononormativity, and heteronormativity). We're reminded that even if we don't participate normatively in these relationships, we still internalize rules about them early. But we don't have to let the outside world define "the perfect relationship" for us. We can make our own, and doing so doesn't doom us to failure or loneliness. I like that this chapter makes room for nuances; for instance, regarding compulsory sexuality, it's acknowledged that some ace people who don't want sex intrinsically might have sex anyway because of compulsory sexuality, and yet that can STILL be used against us if we don't want sex ENOUGH or are doing it for the wrong reasons. It's also nice to see polyamory and aromanticism discussed in detail without feeling like it's thrown in as a caveat or an afterthought, and the discussion of how these expectations especially hurt aspec people because we more commonly seek out nontraditional intimacies is well thought out. The discussion of how heteronormativity extends to expectations of certain gender roles is especially nice, and intersectionality is presented in an easily accessible way. We explore the expectation that a person understand themself as WRONG and as FAILING if they don't aspire to and achieve a sexually and romantically monogamous relationship and have children. We're seen as a loss of POTENTIAL--that you're always less than you could be if you do not achieve this. I find that particularly relevant to my life because I'm REGULARLY confronted by people insisting that asexuality, aromanticism, and non-partner-seeking is, for me, an expression of settling for less. They so badly want me to JUST REALIZE that even if I'm happy, I could be happier, and they never question why they assume a move toward THEIR goals would constitute elevated happiness for me. They just can't see outside of it because of all these normative forces (and because those forces HAVE served their version of happiness), so they feel justified in critiquing my lifestyle and framing me as close-minded and fearful. I love that this book makes it so simple and clear that progress toward those normative goals is not the only valid progress in the world. The importance of being aware of but not subscribing to those normative forces will help us build our relationships in our own image, from scratch.

Chapter 2, "A New Kind of Perfect," tackles the idea that the "Perfect Relationship" isn't actually perfect, and also there's nothing interesting or dynamic about perfect. And we don't have to dismiss or invalidate the kinds of relationships most people have as less valid for ours to be valid. We shouldn't look for ways THEIR relationships are somehow lesser to elevate our own, because there are some people for whom those relationships are fulfilling. It's just that they shouldn't depend for their validation on demonizing ours, so we shouldn't need the idea that ours are actually better to build relationships that actually uplift us. In this chapter we explore what makes a relationship real and valid, and we learn to appropriately consider autonomy, consent, boundaries, communication, commitment, compromise, trust, respect, recognition, and care. We are used to NOT having our autonomy, consent, and boundaries respected; used to NOT being heard in our communication or taken seriously in various types of commitment; used to NOT being the recipient of any concessions in a compromise but always being expected to be on the giving end, and having unclear understanding of when compromise isn't appropriate; used to NOT being trusted, respected, or recognized in our agency and needs; and used to NOT being properly cared for in the ways that matter most to us. But we can change that through truly exploring our needs and learning to communicate them, and asserting that we are just as worthy of having our needs met as anyone else.

Chapter 3, "Our Bodies and Our Borders," covers autonomy, consent, and boundaries. Ace and aro people can be particularly vulnerable to consent violations or coercion in nuanced ways, and even those of us who have sex may still be treated like we're less reasonable about how or how often we have it. The text takes a realistic look at how common it is for ace and/or aro people to make choices that aren't really in our best interests because we feel pressured to put someone else's desires above our own, and there's a great examination of autonomy here. Some tips are included for how to define autonomy for oneself. This is a balancing act, and we CAN learn to balance even though it's really common for us to struggle with other people's inappropriate expectations of us. There are some useful red flags (statements and actions) that can help us spot a person who isn't respectful of our autonomy. We also cover consent (which isn't just sexual, obviously!), with some important commentary on how the framing of consent can be used against us. The text acknowledges that if we are LIED TO about the circumstances of sex, the person who took advantage of us doesn't get to just say "you said yes so you consented." Saying yes under SPECIFIC CONDITIONS is just like a contract; if someone violates a term, the rest of it is null and void. And it's nice to see the emphasis on consent never being expressed with silence. "You didn't say no, though" isn't consent. People do not just default to yes unless a no is invoked. It's the other way! Some great points are made here about the misconception that certain kinds of consent are implied along with labels (such as if you agree to someone's girlfriend, you are also agreeing to let them touch you certain ways); this is not the case and consent needs to be specific. And finally, boundaries are discussed in terms of what they are and how to set them up. I appreciate the description of a boundary as an if/then statement and the focus on how to define clear boundaries--specific preferences you want someone else to respect, and specific actions you will take if they don't. Deciding on a specific action to take if a boundary is not respected (and discussing ahead of time what that looks like to you) will help avoid partners continuing to push or violate boundaries. Some pretty cool discussion of why aspec people might have rigid or porous boundaries is included.

Chapter 4, "What We Owe Each Other," covers communication, commitment, and compromise. A crash course on communication is beyond the scope of the book, but there are some important pointers (how to make "I" statements, how to listen for understanding without just waiting for a chance to reply). It's acknowledged that commitment is between the people making the commitment and isn't one-size-fits-all. Aspec-specific advice cautioning readers to be aware of the forces moving against them can help stand strong against normative pressures, because we're definitely vulnerable to thinking we're the problem and making more sacrifices to be in relationships we won't really be happy in. And compromise is discussed as a shared goal with MUTUAL sacrifice; boundaries can still exist, and you shouldn't let yourself be talked into bending an important boundary in the name of compromise (aces and aros are more vulnerable to that, too). Being aware of power dynamics in a relationship can also be important to avoid taking advantage or getting taken advantage of. Tips for modifying a compromise or dealing with unhealthy compromises are offered here.

Chapter 5, "Centering Our Softness," discusses trust, respect, recognition, and care. I love the examination of how many queer people have to be "hard" and approach relationships with guardedness and suspicion to avoid being hurt, and how so much fighting can make outsiders mistake our queerness as inherently angry. It's true that softness is just as important, and this chapter contains some important perspectives on why that is and how to use it in our lives. We can choose trust intentionally. But we don't have to eternally "respect" someone's intentions or actions if they hurt us or others. Recognition of our aspec identities can be helped along if we don't hide them from ourselves and others. None of this works without care--which is far more than a feeling. It's shown through action--that's the way we can make our feelings reach someone else. We live in a world that does not want to care for needs like ours, so we have to lead the way on generating that action.

Next we have one of the most insightful chapters: Chapter 6, "How Relationships Begin." I love that this chapter is firmly nailed to the aspec experience--pointing out that we often have to do a presentation about our sexuality when we meet new people, and that in new relationships we have to consider the consequences of sharing our identities. Some folks may have misconceptions we have to combat. We're allowed to decide how and when to disclose, which isn't the same thing as "withholding information," and we should remember that our identities shouldn't be viewed as a disappointment or an automatic cause of problems. Our aspec identities provide opportunities to be creative. We can build a relationship to our shared needs and expectations, and that's exciting! We shouldn't assume everyone will consider asexuality or aromanticism to be a negative, or that it will disrupt the relationship somehow. That said, if someone's reaction rising out of an aspec identity disclosure IS causing issues, it's important for us to remember we didn't cause this by being who we are. Honoring our needs leads to a relationship that's tailor made to what all the participants want. It's an opportunity.

Chapter 7 is "Platonic Relationships" and I'VE BEEN WAITING for a book that talked about these as if they're as important as they ARE! It's delightful to see a chapter about this, especially since it's doing it in an ace and aro context. The chapter gives proper importance to all kinds of platonic relationships, from acquaintances to platonic life partners, and acknowledges that much misunderstanding and hurt can come from the normative expectation that platonic relationships are automatically outranked by anything non-platonic. We're expected to just deal with it if one of our relationships is deprioritized in the wake of someone else's new relationship, and while we do have to accept that relationships grow and change naturally, we don't have to accept that it's "just how things are." Platonic relationships can be as deep and deserving of commitment as other kinds of relationships. The chapter outlines how platonic relationships aren't "immature," and that we can fashion any kind of relationship we want to. Obviously it's the other person's choice too as to whether they want to be in any kind of relationship with us, but let's ditch the notion that we're limited in the amount of respect and care we deserve if we're ace or aro. Too often we hear "Yeah but come on. You can't expect that people will treat your friendship like it's a REAL commitment OVER a romantic relationship." I don't need to be prioritized OVER someone else. I just want my needs met, and I refuse to agree that's unreasonable.

Chapter 8 is "Sex and Relationships," with a nice overview of the issues some of us face surrounding sex and how it affects us, noting first off that some of us might label ourselves "the problem" if we aren't able to enjoy sex or can't bring ourselves to have sex. We unfortunately sometimes process that "I'm the problem" feeling into negative feelings toward ourselves that stop us from growing how we need to. Instead of subscribing to everyone else's definition of what sex should be, WE can decide what elements of sex we want and what actions do actually connect us to others in ways that genuinely feel good. If we want relationships that don't involve sex, that doesn't make them lesser, and if intimacy that stops at kissing and cuddling is what satisfies you, that's not the same as stopping at a warmup. Unfortunately normative dialogues have taught us that sex is the pinnacle of what we can experience and that we can ONLY fulfill ourselves completely if sex is part of our relationships. It's important to know that NO sex can be a healthy sex life too--for a person for whom sex would be a negative experience. We're taught here that the allos don't own the definition of what makes a satisfying relationship. Funny how some people insist that only sex can open the door to the most important and most intimate relationships. Being REQUIRED to have sex in a relationship would make it far less intimate for me, because I would be unable to be my true self with a person who expected it. Here we get some definitions and perspectives, as well as ideas to consider from "the other side." As for aspec people who don't want to include sex in relationships, we can try to see rejection not as "I'm not good enough for this relationship," but more like "okay, we can't give each other what we need."

Chapter 9 is entitled "Romance, Love, and Relationships," and it reassures people with a less common approach to romance that they're okay the way they are. Romantic attraction can be "a feeling that pulls us into a person." When we identify that feeling, we're encouraged by society to elevate its importance over all other relationships. I like the spectrum of feelings discussed here, allowing space for aromantic people to be romance-favorable or romance-neutral, maybe having romantic relationships despite not feeling romantic attraction. Just like with aces who have sex, people might think "what's the point?" The point is they experience it differently and have to be careful to not be devalued by partners or to devalue themselves. Romantic asexual people can sometimes have their romantic feelings devalued if they don't want sex or they do want sex but don't do it "right." The chapter discusses how romance is not the same thing as love, and how problematic it is for people to believe lack of romantic love means a person has no capacity for love of any kind. There are also people who do not experience love, for a variety of reasons, and it's not right to say experiencing love is a universal human experience either, but it's still important to never assume an aromantic person has no other kinds of love that are possible for them. And let's not forget the people who are not asexual but ARE aromantic; people who experience sexual attraction but don't feel romantically toward anyone are often shamed in our society, as if feeling this way must mean such a person is harming others or using them or violating morals. But sex can be part of any kind of relationship the participating partners want it to be part of. Romantic relationship status is not a prerequisite. Here we also get some discussion of cupioromantic and aromantic experience, with more validation on cultivating relationships that meet everyone's needs.

Chapter 10 is on "Queerplatonic Relationships, Nonamory, and Relationships in the In-Between." This chapter goes even deeper into the gray areas, covering alterous attraction, queerplatonic relationships, nonamory, aplatonic people, and some other very specific in-betweens like amatopunk, aromates, foveos, polyaffection, and waverships, calling attention to the fact that newly evolving language doesn't have to be useful to you personally for you to respect that some people want to coin terms for experiences they're having which currently have no language. It's in the service of communication and understanding identity that people develop words for their lives; it is not to get selfish attention, be special, or confuse people.

And finally, Chapter 11 is "How Relationships End." It's really nice that a book about relationships can address their endings as something other than a failure and doesn't deliver the message that all relationships should be saved at all costs. In this chapter we get some advice on how to determine when a relationship should end instead of undergoing repair (with abusive relationships and their red flags getting a good nod), and we also get some important perspective on not accepting blame or expecting inevitable endings to our relationships as natural consequences of being aspec. We're taught that the relationship should end if it is causing harm, doesn't meet needs, is unable to change as you change, or has come to its natural end. We're told to consult our relationship toolbox to determine whether our autonomy, boundaries, consent, communication, compromise, commitment, trust, respect, recognition, and care are in order. If any of these is disintegrating in a relationship, it's a possibility that this is a sign to end it--if negotiation and communication don't lead to resolution. The actual HOW of ending a relationship is addressed too: it should involve "I" statements, avoid blame, and give terms for the ending. And there are some tips on when a partner leaves YOU, and how to sort through what you learned from relationships that ended.

Wrapping up with a nice resources section, this helpful book concludes with some encouraging words. This book is a great place to start when it comes to developing and sustaining relationships.

[Kj · Rating 4 out of 5]

Like Daigle-Orians' first book, I Am Ace, which took quite a broad and foundational approach to navigating queer identity, The Ace and Aro Relationship Guide takes a wide, holistic approach to navigating relationships. It's done through an aspec perspective, but applies to pretty much anybody. I find that's both the book's greatest strength and its potential weakness.

The book is very clear about who its for, how its intended, and what its limits are, which is helpful because, like I Am Ace, this is primarily directed towards young readers, not to Daigle-Orians' fellow middle-aged people on the asexuality and/or aromantic spectrums. Given that clarity, I can't really fault the book for not being what I personally wanted it to be, but as a reading experience, it wasn't what I was looking for. If you haven't yet deconstructed a lot of norms around relationships, sexuality, romance, love, etc. this is a marvelous intro to working from the ground up to center what and how you want to inhabit relationships, rather than how to fit into preexisting models. But if you're well into or through that process and looking for some on-the-ground advice and examples of seeking and pursuing out-of-the-box relationships in a society that assumes there are only boxed options, this won't offer much.

There is a lot to appreciate here and a fair amount that feel like firsts. A big one is that this is among the only (as of 2024) aspectrum books clearly written entirely within the community, rather than as a guide for outsiders and newcomers. That's demonstrated in that we get to skip the typical first 3 chapters of in-depth aspec definitions that have been prerequisites for aspec books so far. Loved that. Also, this is the first aspec book I've read that acknowledges relational possibilities that include being aplatonic, being nonamorous, as well as how neurodivergence can further expand the kind of relationships people may or may not desire. As Daigle-Orians helpfully acknowledges, a lot of aspec material raises up friendship as the big show for people who don't experience romantic and/or sexual attractions, but that this re-centering of friendship comes with an erasure of those for whom friendship is not in their desire/interest spectrum. Also loved how Daigle-Orians differentiates between platonic relationships and friendships, with platonic distinctly not including sex or romance (whereas friendship can include sex, etc.).

It's a thoughtful, well-structured guide to reflecting on what makes the kind of relationships that matter to you. At times, however, it does assume the reader already knows how to go out and pursue these relationships and that it's just a matter of explaining boundaries. Still waiting for a book for all the people figuring out their asexuality or aromanticism in middle age who need help reshaping imagination about what has been and what still could be and what that has actually looked like. We've heard a lot for people in their teens and twenties navigating their aro and ace identities within an allo world; would love to hear more from folx who've created new paths out of what they'd been unknowingly participating in for multiple decades of adulthood. Cody Daigle-Orians is someone I would very much like to hear about that from.

[Mia · Rating 5 out of 5]

Thanks to Jessica Kingsley Publishers for providing an eARC for me to review.

The Ace and Aro Relationship Guide is the newest book by Cody Daigle-Orians - the author of I Am Ace, and the guy behind the YouTube channel Ace Dad Advice. For context, I am an asexual reviewer, which hopefully means my review is written from a place of deeper understanding of the subject and the way it's handled.

It is a relationship guide that seeks to break down different normative expectations that impact a-specs, provide tools that can be applied to any relationship - be it romantic or not, partnered or not, mono or poly, etc. The book also showcases the numerous ways in which asexual and aromantic people form bonds in their own non-normative, creative and fulfilling ways. It also gives the readers tools to use when normative expectations are going against their needs as a-spec people, or are actively harming them for forming/wanting non-traditional relationships. Overall the book is an extremely useful resource that's comprehensive and acknowledges it's own limitations.

The book is not an asexuality 101, however, so I wouldn't recommend it for people trying to figure out the very basics of asexual and aromantic identity. It can still be a useful book for non-aces and non-aros to read. While the advice is tailored to a-spec experiences, it stems from a set of general tools that can be applied by anyone regardless of sexual orientation or relationship structure. It will also be immensely useful for the allo partners to asexual and aromantic folks, as it may give good ideas on how to support the a-spec partner's particular needs.

[cinnamon.squirrel · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book felt a little bit like a hug. Cody Daigle-Orians made sure to be as inclusive as possible and I immediately felt understood and welcome.

The book is divided into two parts: a theoretical one and a practical one. The theoretical part introduces a lot of important concepts, such as boundaries, commitment, communication and respect, and gives advice how to incorporate them into our relationships. It was super informative, but unfortunately at the same a little bit boring. It was hard for me to focus during the discussions of the theoretical stuff and it took me forever to get through these chapters. The practical part was a lot more interesting to me. It discusses various types of relationships, from romantic and sexual, to platonic and queerplatonic to those that are non-standard and hard to define. It also deals with topics such as starting and ending a relationship. Each chapter contains questions for the reader to consider and suggests actions that the reader could take to make a step towards the goal that was described in the particular chapter.

What's really great about this book is that it doesn't focus on romantic relationships, but instead it provides tools that are useful in every kind of relationship we may find ourselves in throughout our lives. It gives proper weight to platonic relationships, actively tries to fight with heteronormativity, allonormativity and amatonormativity and offers a different perspecitive on looking at relationships, which I really appreciate.

This is by no means a groundbreaking book and I can't say it completely changed my life or anything like that, but it's written with much love and I sure did learn something new.

eARC provided by NetGalley, thanks!

[Zoe · Rating 5 out of 5]

The Ace and Aro Relationship Guide by Cody Daigle-Orians is the book I wish I'd had growing up. There is so little contemporary awareness, let alone understanding, of asexuality and aromanticism. With the prevalence of compulsory heterosexuality, even fewer people think that their relationship expectations need to expand to include the needs of someone who doesn't experience attraction in the same way.

Daigle-Orians is an experienced educator and speaker about asexuality and aromanticism, which comes across incredibly well in their second book. Their first, I Am Ace, is more geared towards the earlier stage of the ace-spec journey: coming out, discovering which (if any) labels feel comfortable with you, and is a great resource for teenagers. The Ace and Aro Relationship Guide is a more confidently written book that outlines the frustrations so many ace-spec people experience in relationships of all kinds. They offer a framework for healthy relationships that consider the needs of an ace-spec person - a framework based on respect, kindness, and good communication that would honestly be equally beneficial to any kind of relationship.

I'm so happy that more ace literature is being published and made available to readers. There are now several books on ace theory, or compilations of interviews, but this handbook is immensely useful practical advice for ace-spec people struggling to see how they can assert boundaries and make their needs catered for in their relationships.

Thanks to Jessica Kingsley Publishers and Netgalley for providing an e-arc of this book.

[Nicole Dunton · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book really resonated with me. If I had the means, I'd buy copies for those I love to read. Because of this book, I now know for sure I can identify as demi sexual and romantic. I'd like to read this again one day to make notes and outlines about the book.

[Sophie · Rating 5 out of 5]

4.5 stars, rounded up for Goodreads.

Thank you to Netgalley and Jessica Kingsley publishers for providing me with an ARC in exchange for my honest review.

This non-fiction informative self-help book outlines relationship advice, with a focus on asexual and aromantic relationships, including friendships, platonic life partners, and romantic and sexual relationships. I thought this was a really good look into forming relationships as an aspec person, but also would provide good advice to anyone looking to form relationships no matter their sexuality, and those looking to pursue relationships with aspec people.

I really liked how relationships were explored outside of romantic relationships, and how we were introduced to a range of different relationship types that can exist. I also really appreciated the author acknowledging their privilege and where this book is lacking in terms of representing the struggles of intersectional people in the aspec community.

Though some of this was quite base-level advice, it would be really great for people just starting their own journey with self-identification as aspec and wanting to navigate relationships. The reflective "Act and Do" sections were good to provide actionable steps towards happy, healthy relationships. I think it would've been a great book for me to read in my teen years, to better understand myself and my relationships.

The book doesn't delve too far into the definitions of sexualities and relationship types, though it doesn't promise to do this so that's fine. It does have some good resources at the end, though, for people to use to explore more about aspec experiences.

I would recommend this not only for aspec people, but for everyone, to learn how to form meaningful and respectful relationships with people with a range of sexualities and identities.

CW: acephobia, acrophobia, mentions of abuse (physical, mental and emotional)

[Julie Decker · Rating 5 out of 5]

The Ace and Aro Relationship Guide is a comprehensive beginning for asexual and aromantic seekers to develop better relationships. Regardless of whether you're troubleshooting a current relationship or you're just beginning your aspec journey and don't know how to approach relationships, this guide will examine and deconstruct harmful norms, teach you to value and defend your boundaries and needs, and open your mind to the incredible variety of relationship options that are very much available to people like us. An excellent starting point for how to think about partnership from an ace/aro perspective.

As a spokesperson and activist for asexual and aromantic causes, I'm excited to have a book that puts US at the center of the advice. Many of the questions I receive are from non-ace and non-aro people who are used to treating us like a problem. I can't tell you how many times, as an ace and aro activist, I've had non-ace or non-aro people come to me asking me to help "diagnose" their loved one and "rehabilitate" them. And while there are certainly legitimate problems people can have trying to have relationships with us, it seems like so much of the advice and expectations about us still feels compelled to center THEM. As if we're expected to apologize for our inability to meet their needs (when ours are regarded as simply less important), or to recognize that our relative rarity entitles them to expect normative sexual and romantic behavior from us. It's nice to be told upfront that we will be prioritized this time.

First off, you should know that the book does default to assuming a young and/or inexperienced audience. It's a beginning, a laying of groundwork, and while there are details on how to think about and practice relationship skills and perspectives, it is a pretty broad overview. It leaves a lot of the actual application to the individual, but it is not designed as a thought experiment. It's actually designed to be applied in the real world--which is refreshing. Chapters have reflection passages and activity suggestions at the end, which solidly connects the reader to application where appropriate. Younger and more inexperienced people can definitely use this validation--they may not have heard "it's okay, and you're okay the way you are" in exactly these words before, tailored to an ace or aro perspective.

Covered in the book, you will find a whole host of relationship advice no matter what kind of relationship you want, and this includes everything from friendships to sexual and romantic relationships that look super similar to normative relationships from outside. The book never lets you forget that this is for aces and aros, remembering always that no matter how our relationships operate or whether we want to include sex or romance, our experience is different in some fundamental way to those who are not ace or aro, and that's why we need to approach living with these relationships a little differently. We are affirmed in our ace and aro identities, with frequent reassurance that we aren't "the problem." I've often had people come to me for advice who just couldn't get the allosexual, alloromantic default out of their minds--they so frequently want me to guide them on how to "deal with" asexual people who "aren't fulfilling their sexual needs" etc., and they never give a thought to the asexual people having their own needs, as if only one person is "going without" in these situations. The book is very effective at switching it up and making sure aces and aros define their boundaries, avoid falling victim to normative pressures, and affirm their right to see themselves as people with valid needs.

The book guides us through understanding how forces in the outside world act upon us, and how to guard against those expectations while understanding what compromise really is. We learn about how to define and build our own "perfect" relationships (acknowledging that perfection is a myth and normative ideas about perfection don't have to dictate ours), and about how to really focus on what makes relationships valid and real to us. We learn about respecting our bodies and boundaries, and how to be in touch with ourselves about what we desire and what we're giving in to because of poisonous messages. We learn about consent, about red flags regarding autonomy, about our specific vulnerabilities and how they can be used against us. We learn what we can receive and what we can give in relationships and how to navigate those in a healthy way, and what commitment and compromise can look like in less traditional relationships. We learn about conflict and how to value our softness, and we learn about how to lead the way on embracing care and living authentically. We get some advice about disclosure, communication about our needs, and expectations about how people might react to our non-normative identities. We learn to see our less common perspectives as an opportunity to cultivate a relationship that truly serves us and every other participant. And we get a whole chapter about platonic relationships--not as a side note or offered as a caveat while still centering romantic relationships as the "real" ones. Friendships and other platonic relationships are so important, and it's very nice to see some thoughts on having good platonic relationships and the disappointment that comes from normative expectations that romantic relationships outrank platonic ones. There's advice and discussion for ace and aro people who have sex, who have romantic relationships, who live in gray areas, and who invent language to describe their relationships' nuances. And we even get some nice advice on relationships' endings, which can still operate by all the same respectful "rules" as relationships' beginnings.

This book is a great beginning for people in our ace and aro communities to finally see our relationships as worth the attention and love Cody Daigle-Orians gives them. I think this important addition to the ace and aro advice treasure trove gives aspec readers the tools they need to tinker with and build their relationships and the validation to use those tools in any type of partnership.

[Rin · Rating 4 out of 5]

I believe this is a perfect educational book for young teens, loved ones of ace/aro people, or anyone who wants to delve deeper into relationships and the role they can play in your life.

As a ace person that’s been out for years, I can’t say I personally learnt anything new but I really did appreciate the anncedots at the beginning of chapters and the inclusion of some red flags that you can find in peoples words and actions. Plus chapter 10 as a whole.

It wasn’t until after I finished this book and looked up the author did it click that he was one of the people I turned to when I was originally discovering my sexuality. Its kind of a fun full circle.

I personally love that this book is written by a Gay Ace AMAB. Sometimes as a AFAB I feel like it’s only fem people that are asexual because that’s how it’s usually portrayed in professional media - while I know it’s completely untrue - it can be a little frustrating at times due to the serious lack of diverse asexuality representation because it ultimately makes fem people feeling isolated in this experience. More AMAB rep like this is so important in breaking the stigma and overall creating a more inclusive community.

Thx to my ally NetGalley for this one.

[Stacy (Gotham City Librarian) · Rating 4 out of 5]

A fairly extensive book about navigating relationships when you are on the Asexual spectrum. The author is very knowledgeable and understands from personal experience that it is a very complicated spectrum with many possibilities when it comes to platonic or non-platonic pairings, etc. This book covers a lot.

The intro says that the book is geared towards young adults. I personally think that this reads a bit technical at times and is maybe too dry for younger people. I wonder if it would successfully hold their interest, as even my mind was wandering a bit. It could be a bit repetitive, hammering home the same points over and over.

The “red flags” to look for in each section also seemed like common sense to me, but if this book is meant more for teenagers then maybe they won’t necessarily be so obvious. Especially for people trying to navigate their first relationships.

What I did appreciate about this book: the constant validation of Asexuality, the support, all of the statements throughout explaining that an Aspec person does not have to change themselves in order to be happy in a relationship of any kind, be it romantic or platonic. Though I do think parts of this book came across as a tiny bit defensive, maybe even aggressive towards Allosexual people when it came to referring to society and its expectations. I DO understand, but I also felt that presenting an “us vs. them” attitude may not be the most constructive strategy.

Don’t get me wrong. There were good things in here for sure. It was very affirming and educational, with a long, wonderful pep talk at the end and lots of great resources listed. It even included a chapter on how to handle breakups, whether you’re the one ending the relationship or you’re the one being broken up with. He also goes over many different types of relationships and how they work. I feel like people on the Asexual spectrum or people who are already supportive and simply looking to learn more will be the ones to benefit from this book.

3.5 rounding up to 4 stars, because it’s a good resource for people to have, and I may even seek out the author’s social media content.

Thank you to to Netgalley and to the Publisher for access to this ARC in exchange for an honest review! All opinions are my own.

[Annabel · Rating 5 out of 5]

I wasn't sure what to expect when I started reading this book, but I honestly didn't think I would take away so much from it. While there were many concepts I had already figured out for myself, there were some key lessons that I needed to read in print to fully understand.

I would recommend this book not only to people on the ace and aro spectrum, who often struggle with societal expectations about how we are supposed to (show) love and may feel less worthy as a result, but also to alloromantics (those who experience romantic attraction) and allosexuals (those who experience sexual attraction), because after reading this, I truly believe that many of us are missing out by adhering strictly to societal "norms" (either consciously or unconsciously), and not just those on the spectrum.

[Morgan · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book was jam packed with information about relationships focusing on the asexual/aromantic spectrum, but probably has some things sprinkled in that could help anyone of any identity. This book highlights the importance of the key things in relationships, platonic, romantic, sexual or otherwise (like boundaries, consent and similar things). Something that this book leaves you with when you're done with it is that relationships and/or friendships don't have one specific layout or way to go, you decide what each relationship is yourself between you and the other person (or people!) in said relationship.

Overall I really enjoyed this and, as an aroace person myself, appreciate the information this book has given me and is ready to give others.

[Stephanie Gillis · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is a great informational guide for those exploring the possibility that they might be under the asexual umbrella or for those learning to understand the identity in general. It does a great job of validating the variety of experiences that comes with being asexual and made me feel not so alone in my own experience as an asexual woman. I'm giving it four stars moreso because sometimes it got a little textbook with the writing style which made a few parts a little boring here and there but the overall messages and organization of the book is great for those new to the Asexual experience.

[Christina G · Rating 4 out of 5]

So many things in this book were incredibly validating for me. Whether you're aspec or not, this book shows the range of possibilities for our relationships and offers excellent tools for building stronger, healthier connections.

[Claire · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is a wonderful resource for aspec folks to learn about navigating relationships of all types while aspec. As an aspec person myself, I found this to be incredibly useful and informative. I appreciate the Relationship Tools and will definitely keep them in mind for my own relationships. I also appreciate the Reflect and Act sections in each chapter. This book also opened my eyes to ways to approach relationships and even shared options for non-normative relationships. I would highly recommend this to any aspec person curious about relationships.

[Zee · Rating 5 out of 5]

this was a great breakdown of the basics of relationships and some different dynamics possible being in the aspec spectrum.
i really appreciate all the reflective questions and affirmations.
it’s given me a lot to think about and a lot to try to internalize better.
definitely seems like a handy book i’ll come back to often

thanks to netgalley for the early access

[Anna Makowska · Rating 4 out of 5]

The biggest strength of this book is introducing terms many young people might not know - I certainly didn't as a teen - and challenging the dominant social script for relationships (how should a relationship look like? which one is more important than the others? how should you start, end and behave in a relationship?).

It emphasizes communication and negotiating boundaries rather than blindly following the subconscious social scripts we're taught and surrounded by since young age. It can help "open your eyes" that the default isn't the only option and what else is out there.

I'd say the biggest strength of this book is also the biggest weakness - it comes from the point of knowing. "I figured this all out, here's all the terms and their definitions, and proper implementation of them", but for a person who's searching it doesn't tell you how do you find yourself (except "just reflect"), which label fits, how do you find a compatible person or people for the kind of relationship you'd find the most fulfilling or how can you negotiate boundaries in a way it won't end with "compromise yourself or be left lonely". It just tells you not to compromise yourself. Which is good. But when I was a teen and an adult in my early 20s my biggest fear was of "not finding anybody who'd accept me as I am" and just telling you to be uncompromising on the core values and keep ending relationships that don't make you happy doesn't answer the real question: how do you find a relationship that does make you happy? Maybe it cannot be answered. Maybe some of us are doomed to kiss a lot of frogs even if we're repulsed by it and find nothing in the end.

Innately, I always knew "compromising yourself is the death of the soul", but I feel a lot of people don't, and it's great they're reminded they deserve autonomy, boundaries, standing up for oneself. But even when prioritizing yourself, you might experience less abuse, but you experience more loneliness and your relationship history is a graveyard of cut ties and burnt bridges (a lot of potential partners will refuse to deviate from the "script", and you trying to explain anything will be met with the look as if you spoke an alien language). And social pressure. The book covers the social pressure but I think most of us who experience social pressure, manipulation and gaslighting (for example "you're too picky", "if all your relationships end maybe the problem is you") realize it's there, we just don't know what to do to combat it. Advocating for yourself is exhausting and often doesn't even accomplish anything, because people believe what they want to believe and won't change their mind no matter how many proofs you'll bring to the table.

Overall, I think it's a very useful book for young people who are searching for their true identity and need to be shown the alternatives to the "default social script" and the proper terms for it. And also could use validation that they're not faulty and broken and they deserve to defend themselves from social pressures and default scripts. On the other hand, it can also be useful for people who already "figured themselves out" as a confirmation "what you feel is valid, here's the term for it".

However, it doesn't seem to help answer the most burning question: what do you do, when your relationship history is full of shallow, unfulfilling friendships, or one-sided ones where you always find yourself investing more in it than getting out of it, and broken up romantic / sexual relationships due to incompatibility and tons upon tons of rejection and invalidation where you run out of fuel to keep advocating for yourself and defending your boundaries. Heck, even the ending chapter talks about break-up how the author's partner found someone he's happy with and the author "isn't doing so bad either" which sounds like a cope-out answer, it's what people say when they have to put a mask on "everything's fine, I'm doing well". So in the end, I found the book more theoretical than actionable.

4 stars because we need more education of youth about sex, romance, consent, and various shades of queerness. In many places that area is lacking and teens are denied proper sex ed and knowledge about LGBTQ+ matters is getting banned. I hope this book helps many people find themselves and feel validated. Unfortunately, it feels more like a "lexicon" than a "guide". It teaches terms, not methods. It raises awareness and underlines importance, but if we already know navigating allo cis het monogamous world is a struggle, it doesn't help making this struggle any easier through actionable advice (most of us already tried "just talking" or "stating the boundaries" or even walking out). But maybe there's no esoteric knowledge how to deal with the fact being a marginalized identity will always be a struggle to "fit in" and "find your tribe".

I actually didn't realize when I requested the title (I requested it based on the title and blurb) that it's the same person who's having the Ace Dad Advice on youtube, I actually watched the author's content before, but it wasn't the primary reason I requested the book.

Thank you NetGalley and Jessica Kingsley Publishers for the ARC!

[beepboop4 · Rating 4 out of 5]

Thanks to NetGalley, Cody Daigle-Orians and Jessica Kingsley Publishers for the opportunity to read this early in exchange for an honest review.

This is such an interesting book, and one I was very curious to read given I’m ace and in a non-monogamous relationship.

The first part of the book features advice on important ‘tools’ in relationships, which can be read and appreciated by anybody. There is a focus on how concepts such as consent and communication are particularly important to aspec people, but I don’t think there’s many people that wouldn’t benefit from this section. The second section is more focused on the practicalities of relationships as aspec people, and the different types of relationships one might cultivate – though I still think these ideas are helpful for anyone!

I loved a lot about this book, particularly how easy it is to read. This might be because the primary intended audience is teens (given its category on NetGalley), but I also appreciated it as an adult.

It’s very grounded in the fact that society isn’t set up to support aspec people and our different relationship structures, and it makes it clear this is not the fault of aspec individuals, which is really important particularly for young people to hear.

I also appreciated the book’s acknowledgement of intersectionality and how that might impact relationship dynamics, though it isn’t a focus of the text. In addition, while there is lots of advice on how you the reader should approach relationships, there are also frequent outlines of red flags to watch out for and a part on abuse. I think this is important to include in a book that spends a lot of time telling you how to be fair and respectful to partners as you need to know when someone might not be acting in the same way to you.

As someone who reads and engages a lot with LGBT+ content, most of the information here wasn’t new to me, but there were a few things I learned nearer the end with the definitions of ‘nonamory’ and ‘aplatonic’. And it was also really reassuring to have someone lay out the ways relationships can look different but still be fulfilling and special. It’s not something you hear a lot of when you’re aspec.

There were a few things I wasn’t such a fan of, such as the part on consent. I’m by no means an expert, but there are some issues with the enthusiastic consent model that I felt could have been discussed. And I felt lots of this book draws on what I know as relationship anarchy, but this concept is not named. Even if the author doesn’t want to use this term, I thought its inclusion could have been useful for people who are not familiar with the idea and who might want to find out more about it elsewhere – it’s easier to Google ‘relationship anarchy’ than ‘relationships where romantic and sexual partners are no more important than friendships’. Finally, I thought the first section was a little dry to read, but that could have been because I’m not the target audience! And all in all, these complaints are pretty minor.

Overall, I’m so glad a book like this exists in the world, and I think Daigle-Orians does a good job with the subject matter, making it a nuanced and refreshing read. I hope it can help aspec people imagine better futures for themselves.

[Mari · Rating 5 out of 5]

Who is this book for?

“This book is for asexual and romantic folks who have questions about to navigate relationships of all kinds.”

I have the feeling that there are more approaches and more understanding for the subject and the need to be close to others, but in a different way than is often described in films and books. All of these areas are complicated enough on its own, but when you feel different, it is somehow even more difficult. That's why I like the way the author demystifies certain lived concepts and decouples the need for closeness and intimacy from the classic relationship model, making it tangible for aspecs. And how they take the pathological out of the equation.

The book starts with the basics. Terminology. Social concepts. What is ace, what is aro, why do we sometimes say aspec, what’s the allo world? Cody Daigle-Orians (they/them) also makes it clear that this is their perspective on the spectrum and overall I found the tone and approach incredibly respectful and inclusive. And there’s the 2nd part of the book about relationships: friendships, platonic relationships, queerplatonic, nonamory, love and sex and romance. I like how open and authentic the book operates and how it covers so many areas with lots of stories from the author themself.

“My goal […] I want every ace and aro person out there to feel equipped and empowered to pursue the relationships they want.”

And empowering it is!

Overall, this is not a bland piece of non-fiction. It provides an opportunity to get informed, but those beyond that point can simply skip to specific toolbox or workshop sections of the book. It doesn't demand to be read chronologically.

That's what makes it so easy and convenient for me. I've been reading the book for a good 2 months now and I'm still discovering new things that interest me. It is just wonderful to have such an encouraging source of information and to be able to just dive in!

To close this with some final words from Cody: “We can do what queer people have been doing since queer people have existed: imagine something different for ourselves and make that imagining real.”

Thank you to Cody Daigle-Orians, Jessica Kingsley Publishers and NetGalley for this ARC in exchange for an honest review!

[Karis · Rating 5 out of 5]

~~Thank you to NetGalley and Jessica Kingsley Publishers for the ARC!~~

I found Ace Dad over a year ago, sometime before I started flirting with the idea I may fall somewhere on the ace spectrum. Despite me never have read a self-help book in my life, I had to pick up their debut I Am Ace; I ended up consuming it in a matter of hours. Ace Dad's writing is clear, concise, and the personal anecdotes they add naturally weave into whatever topic they're presenting (I know they wrote the intro for the Being Ace anthology, but they haven't written any fiction yet. The non-fiction aspects of ace representation are equally as important as their fiction counterparts, but I still would love to see Ace Dad write a fiction book). Their dedication to educating the public about ace things while keeping up to date with all the terms from the community is so commendable.

This book is a great relationship guide. I've never been a relationship (romantic, queerplatonic, or otherwise), nor am I planning on being in one in the near future, but if I were, I feel like this would be an excellent book to turn to for some guidance. Ace Dad covers a lot in 200-some pages. From the tools a relationship requires to describing the fluidity of defining a relationship, they lay out to the reader what they could do and how they may go about it. I really like how they keep reaffirming that the reader's aceness and/or aromanticism does not make them wrong, regardless of what people make them believe. That kind of affirmation is really powerful for ace and/or aro readers who really need it.

Overall, Ace Dad is probably the only self-help author I adore this enthusiastically, and that enthusiasm will continue for whatever they may do next.

[Ashley (Red-Haired Ash Reads) · Rating 5 out of 5]

The Ace and Aro Relationship Guide is not only about dating and sex guidance. This guide is about building satisfying relationships, without the weight of society's expectations on romance and sex. The book is split into two parts: the relationship toolbox, using the author’s coined term, ANKOP (A New Kind Of Perfect) and the relationship workshop.

Part one breaks down important parts of relationships, different kinds of relationships, and how they can be perceived by Ace and Aro folks. Also this isn’t just about traditional romantic and sexual partnerships, it covers all different kinds that ace/aro folks may build. This was a great introduction section and really breaks down all the different things that can be different for Aro/Ace folks. Also each chapter had a reflect and act sections that really helped provide ways to implement what you learned in your own life.

Part two takes everything discussed in part one and applies it to actual relationships, and not just romantic ones. This was a great section to really learn about all the different types of relationships people can have and how they are all valid. This book emphasizes that all relationships are valid, even if there isn’t romance or love.

As someone who is ace this book was very helpful and informative. I do wish it had been available when I was a teenager because it would have really helped before I started building romantic relationships. I am happy this exists now though, and hope it reaches as many young people as possible so it can help them.

*ARC provided by Netgalley in exchange for an honest review.*

[Kimberly · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is an incredible resource, full to the brim with information, advice, reflection prompts, and life experience. It packs a wealth of content into one book, but does so in an easily digestible way. Although it is mainly marketed to Ace and Aro folks, I see huge value in providing this book to allosexual folks, parents, allies, etc.

When I was young and questioning, I turned to Yahoo! answers and got…less than amazing advice. I dug through so many unhelpful (and often incorrect) “answers”, often feeling more confused than when I began my search.

This book is the polar opposite of that in every way. It is grounded in emotional intelligence. It is well-organized, lending itself to easy use as a reference guide. It is well-researched, accompanied with an appendix of all kinds of resources for further learning. And it is fully grounded in acceptance and healthy boundaries.

TL;DR - a great, readable guide to understanding yourself, others, and all kinds of relationships. No matter how you identify.

Note: I received a free ARC of this book from NetGalley in exchange for my honest feedback.

[Cassi Miranda · Rating 5 out of 5]

I received an eARC of this book for review from Jessica Kingsley Publishers via NetGalley, all opinions are my own.

The author continues to provide thoughtful and perceptive advice with this second publication about ace experiences. Although it is written as advice to asexuals and aromantics, it would be helpful for anyone seeking to improve their relationships skills. Daigle-Orians includes sections on building, improving, and ending relationships as well with deft didactic tactics. Obscure terms are well defined, skills are fully explained, and each section includes brief but well-thought-out reflections. Some sections are more engaging than others. Also, the author acknowledges early on that not all sections will be useful to all readers. It's still a good relationship primer and so many people could benefit from something like this early in life!

Content warning: there is a section on abusive relationships which may be difficult for some readers. It's a necessary but challenging chapter that I'm glad the author included.

4.5 stars rounded up

[Sydney]

DNF

Choosing to DNF this book is purely a subjective move on my part and in no way reflects the quality of this book. In fact, I think this is an extremely valuable book and I'm happy that it exists. The information in here is excellent and I know a lot of people will get a lot out of it.

Ultimately, I'm not quite the target audience for this. It falls more in the "Asexuality/Aromanticism 101" category and so there wasn't much in here that I didn't already know. It also is very much a self-help book and I'm learning that I personally don't vibe with those in general (especially when they don't give me new information). I also just think I'm a bit too old for it - I've done all of the reflecting on these ideas about a-spec identities and relationships on my own already!

This book is perfect for YA audiences in particular - in addition to providing an introduction to asexuality and aromanticism, there is a lot of great advice for relationships (both platonic and romantic) in general. It's also a great option for people who are just starting to learn about asexuality/aromanticism.