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Crazy Time: Surviving Divorce and Building a New Life, Third Edition – The Essential Guide to Understanding Marriage Crisis, Separation Phases, and the Transition from Ending to Beginning
A fully revised and updated edition of the essential guide for men and women moving through the turmoil of divorce.
304 pages, Paperback
First published February 1, 1982
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298 people want to read
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 56 reviews
December 17, 2017
This book is comprised of divorce stories that support the authors points. In some ways it was helpful to read about other peoples struggles. You feel validated and not alone, but after a point the stories stop helping. There is no light at the end of the tunnel with this book. In fact my big take away is that my next partner will likely cheat on me. Everyone cheats on everyone. Thanks for that.
This was the first book I read after my husband randomly decided our marriage wasn't worth fixing. It's been nearly 4 months, I've read several other self-help books and memoirs to help me, and this is by far the worst one I've read. I read this book and walked away feeling like everything was my fault, because I was the one working full time while he went to school and I was the one that didn't want a divorce. I was the dominant denier, which according to this book made me the bad guy. How does this help me feel better? How does this help me pick up the pieces and move forward? It doesn't.
If you are feeling like your spouse was a power hungry controlling A-hole, I think this book would help you. If you feel like your spouse took advantage of you or was dishonest about their feelings towards you and the relationship, this book is not for you.
If you are looking at reviews, you are probably in search of books that will help. These are some of the books that have helped me:
Love Warrior by Glennon Doyle Melton: I think deep down I knew I wasn't being loved or cherished, this book really helped me realize that a partner does not complete me. I complete myself and when I learn to be happy with myself by myself, then I will know when I am being valued. I also learned that grief cannot be outsmarted, out run, or beat into submission, only out lasted. Bad days happen. This book helped me be a champion for myself. 5 stars.
Modern Romance by Aziz Ansari: Kind of a random book in my survival arsenal, but listening to a book about the change in social norms for relationships help me gain perspective for moving forward. Relationships have changed so much in the last 50 years and so have our expectations for them. Thanks for the hope Aziz. 4 Stars.
Switch: How to Change Things When Change Is Hard by Chip & Dan Heath: I want to be a better me, I want elements in my life to change, but I don't know how to do it. This book is full of interesting social experiments that help explain the author's points. This helped me cut myself some slack. Change is hard and often it is not because we are lazy, but because we are overwhelmed with other aspects of our lives or even how to go about changing. This book helped me identify what was in my way and how to create the path of least resistance to the goals I wanted. Plus social psychology is super interesting. Thanks for the science of self Heath brothers. 4 Stars.
This was the first book I read after my husband randomly decided our marriage wasn't worth fixing. It's been nearly 4 months, I've read several other self-help books and memoirs to help me, and this is by far the worst one I've read. I read this book and walked away feeling like everything was my fault, because I was the one working full time while he went to school and I was the one that didn't want a divorce. I was the dominant denier, which according to this book made me the bad guy. How does this help me feel better? How does this help me pick up the pieces and move forward? It doesn't.
If you are feeling like your spouse was a power hungry controlling A-hole, I think this book would help you. If you feel like your spouse took advantage of you or was dishonest about their feelings towards you and the relationship, this book is not for you.
If you are looking at reviews, you are probably in search of books that will help. These are some of the books that have helped me:
Love Warrior by Glennon Doyle Melton: I think deep down I knew I wasn't being loved or cherished, this book really helped me realize that a partner does not complete me. I complete myself and when I learn to be happy with myself by myself, then I will know when I am being valued. I also learned that grief cannot be outsmarted, out run, or beat into submission, only out lasted. Bad days happen. This book helped me be a champion for myself. 5 stars.
Modern Romance by Aziz Ansari: Kind of a random book in my survival arsenal, but listening to a book about the change in social norms for relationships help me gain perspective for moving forward. Relationships have changed so much in the last 50 years and so have our expectations for them. Thanks for the hope Aziz. 4 Stars.
Switch: How to Change Things When Change Is Hard by Chip & Dan Heath: I want to be a better me, I want elements in my life to change, but I don't know how to do it. This book is full of interesting social experiments that help explain the author's points. This helped me cut myself some slack. Change is hard and often it is not because we are lazy, but because we are overwhelmed with other aspects of our lives or even how to go about changing. This book helped me identify what was in my way and how to create the path of least resistance to the goals I wanted. Plus social psychology is super interesting. Thanks for the science of self Heath brothers. 4 Stars.
August 27, 2016
When I purchased this book, I was at the very beginning of my separation. It took me a few months to actually start reading it. By the time I did I had already experienced several of the stages described: the confrontation scene, the separation, relief, deep shock, anger, ambivalence and depression (the last few still ongoing). I'd already experienced the emergence of self, gone through the public divorce, rediscovering sex and love with a new partner and still, in spite of all these new changes, feeling very much in the middle of crazy time.
Seeing all of these changes and reading about the descriptions, told primarily through case studies, has served the purpose of normalizing my emotions and experiences. And I know from my past that that is one of the single most validating feelings one can have in times of crisis.
The last part of the book- looking into the future, was validating as well. Reading that I need to become independent in a way that I never have been before. Reading that I will have to face my own behavioral difficulties throughout the remainder of my life. Reading that years from now I will still be making sense of my past, still learning how to change because of it. Reading that the hard work of emotional divorce- a process which takes far longer than the details of moving out and starting a new life- will go on for years. It gives me permission to still be very much in flux. It gives me permission to feel what I'm feeling.
And going through everything I've been through and am still struggling to figure out on a daily basis I really needed that.
Seeing all of these changes and reading about the descriptions, told primarily through case studies, has served the purpose of normalizing my emotions and experiences. And I know from my past that that is one of the single most validating feelings one can have in times of crisis.
The last part of the book- looking into the future, was validating as well. Reading that I need to become independent in a way that I never have been before. Reading that I will have to face my own behavioral difficulties throughout the remainder of my life. Reading that years from now I will still be making sense of my past, still learning how to change because of it. Reading that the hard work of emotional divorce- a process which takes far longer than the details of moving out and starting a new life- will go on for years. It gives me permission to still be very much in flux. It gives me permission to feel what I'm feeling.
And going through everything I've been through and am still struggling to figure out on a daily basis I really needed that.
April 28, 2021
I'm not planning on getting divorced. But it's best to be prepared!
February 3, 2019
I am currently going through my first (and hopefully my last) divorce.
This book prompted another first for me.
This was the first time I ever threw a book away. In the garbage can.
Is this because divorcing has caused me to turn into a weepy overemotional nut job? No. I actually think I'm handling it relatively well (most days). There are several reasons this book was shoved into my garbage and strategically buried under the mac n' cheese leftovers.
Reason #1: This book caused my anxiety to worsen. I can't pinpoint why but every time I picked this up I felt terrible. I started to worry about things I hadn't been worrying about like maybe he was having an affair every single day for the past 10 years because that is clearly what every person in this book was doing.
Reason #2: The "stories." This book is 95% faux (I believe) stories and 5% actual advice (and that is being quite generous). The "stories" go a little something like this:
George is a stockbroker in his 40s. His once dark mahogany hair is starting to gray at the temples. He enjoys whiskey on the rocks and has struggled to communicate with his wife Beth for the last several years. Beth is a fit blonde in her upper 30s. She teaches aerobic classes for a non-profit twice a week. She has been having an affair with the director of the non-profit for the last three months.
Cripes.
How is this helping me? It's not. Instead I am getting irritated. Very, very irritated. Yet I pushed on because how can I not finish this book? Which leads me to the third reason...
Reason #3: I kept going because I figured I had to get the "hard" stuff out of the way to get to the light at the end of the tunnel. Like maybe this book was just like a divorce...hard to deal with at first but slowly getting better and then maybe doing two steps back and three forward again. NOT THE CASE. This book took a running leap off a cliff and went down, down, down. To be fair to the book, I did throw it away with a couple chapters left. To be fair to myself, this is the only book that has ever drove me to do this.
1 "I have felt much better since the garbage man took this away" Star
This book prompted another first for me.
This was the first time I ever threw a book away. In the garbage can.
Is this because divorcing has caused me to turn into a weepy overemotional nut job? No. I actually think I'm handling it relatively well (most days). There are several reasons this book was shoved into my garbage and strategically buried under the mac n' cheese leftovers.
Reason #1: This book caused my anxiety to worsen. I can't pinpoint why but every time I picked this up I felt terrible. I started to worry about things I hadn't been worrying about like maybe he was having an affair every single day for the past 10 years because that is clearly what every person in this book was doing.
Reason #2: The "stories." This book is 95% faux (I believe) stories and 5% actual advice (and that is being quite generous). The "stories" go a little something like this:
George is a stockbroker in his 40s. His once dark mahogany hair is starting to gray at the temples. He enjoys whiskey on the rocks and has struggled to communicate with his wife Beth for the last several years. Beth is a fit blonde in her upper 30s. She teaches aerobic classes for a non-profit twice a week. She has been having an affair with the director of the non-profit for the last three months.
Cripes.
How is this helping me? It's not. Instead I am getting irritated. Very, very irritated. Yet I pushed on because how can I not finish this book? Which leads me to the third reason...
Reason #3: I kept going because I figured I had to get the "hard" stuff out of the way to get to the light at the end of the tunnel. Like maybe this book was just like a divorce...hard to deal with at first but slowly getting better and then maybe doing two steps back and three forward again. NOT THE CASE. This book took a running leap off a cliff and went down, down, down. To be fair to the book, I did throw it away with a couple chapters left. To be fair to myself, this is the only book that has ever drove me to do this.
1 "I have felt much better since the garbage man took this away" Star
December 21, 2021
Maybe I read this book too fast. Maybe I didn't get out of it what I was supposed to. I didn't learn anything from the book per se, but it did help me accept that I'M NOT CRAZY. As the name implies, this is just a crazy time and everything I've been feeling is 'normal.' It's ok that I want to sleep some days away. It's ok that I'm upset one moment and happy the next. It's ok that I move from anger to revenge to grief all the time. The frustrating part is that according to the book, crazy time lasts a year or two -- and I do not want to be going through crazy time for that long!
January 10, 2010
This book oozes hysteria, in the worst sense. The overabundance of exclamation marks, coupled with an emphasis on the TWO YEARS it takes to feel normal after a divorce is enough to make a reader feel crazier than when they first picked up the book. Going through a divorce may be a "Crazy Time," and it may in fact take TWO YEARS to get through the worst of the fallout, but we don't need books that exacerbate and feed off that feeling.
March 7, 2013
Horrible book. Did not give any advice just horror stories not to follow. Gave no hope or encouragment on things getting better or a possible good marriage cuz theya re all dysfunctional and everyone cheats- at least according to this book. For someone that is going through a divorce, especially with no abuse or cheating, this book was depressing and discouraging. DO NOT READ!
October 6, 2020
What an amazing book! It helped me process a lot of what went wrong in my marriage and gave me ideas for how to make sure my relationship and remarriage is successful. I have already recommended this book to 2 of my friends and my cousin. It’s, honestly, THAT good!
November 11, 2008
The ultimate message of Crazy Time is "you will get through this," something many of my clients find hard to believe. I will continue to recommend this to them.
February 25, 2016
Although divorce can be an embarrassing, humiliating, traitorous, and vindictive event in a person’s life; it is often a necessary end to a toxic relationship. This book describes the various stages of divorce and provides examples of various men and women’s battles through the trenches of separation. Most of the separations were based on the traditional cheating/lying scenario. There was a lack of alternative situations such as abuse, mental illness, and abandonment. However, the author provided a detailed outline of the emotional stages that occur through the process of divorce and the grieving that happens with most people while separated from their spouses.
I found this book to be very helpful with my current situation. I like thousands of other people in the country find myself going through a divorce. Although I am not divorcing for the traditional reasons that were discussed in the book, I still found the author’s information quite useful. It is a sad day to see that so many people are losing their marriages to infidelities and immaturity. No longer are people able to stay in marriages for fifty years and be true to one another. The internet, Facebook, and Youtube have helped destroy the modern marriage; while young people are too ignorant to see it. People are in love with the idea of being married, but they don’t want to stay in a house where there are rules that require commitment. This book is an example that society has fallen to the wayside and this author provides a guide that allows those that have been broke by the stupidity of others a way back.
I found this book to be very helpful with my current situation. I like thousands of other people in the country find myself going through a divorce. Although I am not divorcing for the traditional reasons that were discussed in the book, I still found the author’s information quite useful. It is a sad day to see that so many people are losing their marriages to infidelities and immaturity. No longer are people able to stay in marriages for fifty years and be true to one another. The internet, Facebook, and Youtube have helped destroy the modern marriage; while young people are too ignorant to see it. People are in love with the idea of being married, but they don’t want to stay in a house where there are rules that require commitment. This book is an example that society has fallen to the wayside and this author provides a guide that allows those that have been broke by the stupidity of others a way back.
October 19, 2008
This book is not for divorces with no children involved. I'd like to add that the author tends to use quite a bit of catchy phrases like 'Crazy Time' and repeats them far too often. The case studies and stories in the book can be helpful, but are really too numerous to appreciate.
I did find the descriptions of common feelings and emotions to be helpful however. It's always nice to have those validated and understood. Not a bad book about divorce, but not one I would recommend.
I did find the descriptions of common feelings and emotions to be helpful however. It's always nice to have those validated and understood. Not a bad book about divorce, but not one I would recommend.
August 10, 2008
I read this book some time ago, but I continue to recommend it for anybody going through a divorce. It gives a framework that helps one understand what went wrong. Its descriptions of what to expect and common emotions during divorce can be profoundly reassuring to a person who fears that what they are feeling is 'wrong' or out of proportion.
November 16, 2008
The short stories are filled with anger, rage and dissapointment - something that everyone feels to varying degrees during a divorce, but I didn't feel like the author was focusing on how to heal, only how to commiserate. Def not a reccomended read for someone going through a divorce.
February 14, 2016
A really good book for people going through a divorce. It has lots of personal stories to relate to (and if you don't relate to one, there will be another along in a moment). It did take me a long time to read because it was so dense with emotions that I am still working through.
August 9, 2017
Aside from all the disturbing references to murder-suicide, which grew comical, a valuable resource!
March 4, 2019
Really great look at relationships and how they come to dissolve, and what happens after. Highly recommended.
March 24, 2021
Nope.
March 27, 2020
Contents:
- prologue……………..p01
Part one: Crisis:
1. Deadlock………..p17
2. Confrontation………..p36
3. separation…………..p50
Part two: crazy time:
4. on the Edge…………p63
5. relief/ disbelief………p81
6. Deep shock…….p99
7. Anger…………p112
8. Ambivalence…..p128
9. Depression………p139
Part three: Recovery
10. Emergence of self……..p155
11. Public Divorce………..p167
12. Sex……………………..p187
13. love…………………p206
14. Remarriage/ Redivorce……p224
15. Married for good……………p211
- Epilogue……………p265
Prologue:
- Most people go a little crazy when marriage cracks open. you’re rarely prepared gor the practical or emotional turmoil that lies ahead.
- Divorce rates have been rising steadily throughout this centry but went into a temporary retreat during the post world war 2 era that produced the bodyboom generation. then in the midsixtics. the divorce rate started to raise again by 1980, the rate had doubled since them. it has stabilized even declired slightly but still remains high as the nation heads into the 21 twenty-first centry of the roughly 2,5 million couples who get married every year half care expected to break up at some point in their lives.
- the culture of divorces has changed too ten years ago.
- The majority belonged to go in divorce to the middle and upper-middle class, they were doclors and lawyers, business executives and entrepreneurs, most of the women held jobs or went to work as a result of the breakup after many years they had put the divorce in perspective.
I found Crazy Time – Surviving Divorce and Building a New Life by Abigail Trafford. Reading it, I realized that the roller coaster ride was a natural process. There were guffaws of laughter, sighs of relief, and sudden realizations that sunk me in my chair. Amid the “aha” moments, there was fear and grief. Amid the tears, there was hope and optimism.
- prologue……………..p01
Part one: Crisis:
1. Deadlock………..p17
2. Confrontation………..p36
3. separation…………..p50
Part two: crazy time:
4. on the Edge…………p63
5. relief/ disbelief………p81
6. Deep shock…….p99
7. Anger…………p112
8. Ambivalence…..p128
9. Depression………p139
Part three: Recovery
10. Emergence of self……..p155
11. Public Divorce………..p167
12. Sex……………………..p187
13. love…………………p206
14. Remarriage/ Redivorce……p224
15. Married for good……………p211
- Epilogue……………p265
Prologue:
- Most people go a little crazy when marriage cracks open. you’re rarely prepared gor the practical or emotional turmoil that lies ahead.
- Divorce rates have been rising steadily throughout this centry but went into a temporary retreat during the post world war 2 era that produced the bodyboom generation. then in the midsixtics. the divorce rate started to raise again by 1980, the rate had doubled since them. it has stabilized even declired slightly but still remains high as the nation heads into the 21 twenty-first centry of the roughly 2,5 million couples who get married every year half care expected to break up at some point in their lives.
- the culture of divorces has changed too ten years ago.
- The majority belonged to go in divorce to the middle and upper-middle class, they were doclors and lawyers, business executives and entrepreneurs, most of the women held jobs or went to work as a result of the breakup after many years they had put the divorce in perspective.
I found Crazy Time – Surviving Divorce and Building a New Life by Abigail Trafford. Reading it, I realized that the roller coaster ride was a natural process. There were guffaws of laughter, sighs of relief, and sudden realizations that sunk me in my chair. Amid the “aha” moments, there was fear and grief. Amid the tears, there was hope and optimism.
October 9, 2020
Considering the revised edition I read came out 28 years ago in 1992, and was still entertaining and somewhat enlightening today, Abigail Trafford's done a transcendently good job of collecting case studies and anecdotes. She classifies each couple as being composed of a submissive and dominant partner, sometimes they switch places, generally one is the deceiver and the other is the denier. Maybe that's what happened to me, the submissive spouse went outside the marriage and built up courage to equalize the relationship, grew defiant and revolted? Instead of communicating dissatisfaction? Another label pairing she uses a lot is Divorce Seeker and Divorce Denier, but in our case I switched from being the Divorce Denier to the Divorce Seeker, and I still haven't found a book that describes that level of mind-fuckery. I have read other books about those who decide to disengage years earlier, who experience a dwindling sense of attachment and go through divorce without internal conflict or anger (Uncoupling by Diane Vaughan covers it the most thoroughly). I have to say I really enjoyed the part in Crazy Time about those who never accept or deal with the divorce or their part in it, and subsequently suffer torment as a result for years to come and throughout future relationships.
After properly divorcing emotionally, things ease between the two parties. Despair and ambivalence fuse into sadness and nostalgia. They both go on in their lives a little richer in their hearts and more confident in their separate paths. Erich Fromm says "Love... is a constant challenge, it is not a resting place, but a moving, growing working together." Abigail Trafford says "but you decide to risk it and you enjoy each good day for what it's worth. After a while you find that a good marriage can be very habit-forming".
After properly divorcing emotionally, things ease between the two parties. Despair and ambivalence fuse into sadness and nostalgia. They both go on in their lives a little richer in their hearts and more confident in their separate paths. Erich Fromm says "Love... is a constant challenge, it is not a resting place, but a moving, growing working together." Abigail Trafford says "but you decide to risk it and you enjoy each good day for what it's worth. After a while you find that a good marriage can be very habit-forming".
January 13, 2018
I highly recommend this book to people in the early stages of learning about the divorce process. Crazy time, as the title suggests, acknowledges the craziness that can be a divorce. This book focuses on the different stages of the process and the different ways for dealing with those stages. All of this is written through the lens of the author who describes the final days of, what she now acknowledges as the end of her marriage. This book is especially important for someone who has had very little experience with divorce. We may believe there can be very few people anymore that have not experienced divorce close to them; however, people have a tendency and an ability to refuse to believe that this could ever happen to them. This is for those people. If they have blinders on when speaking to friends about their divorce, they probably have blinders on in their own marriage. The best part about this book is that before wrapping up, it acknowledges the good that comes out of marriages ending. This is important to me because this is one of the things I enjoy about my job. I get to see the transition from scared and weak to strong and ready for the change. This book presents the greener pastures beautifully. I give this book five stars.
August 6, 2019
Not the book for me in the midst of anguish .
I had to quit after 3 chapters of pure terror and fear .
This book would be great if you were reading it for entertainment, or a project , but when your in the trenches this book amplified my fears and validated my deepest insecurities.
I would recommend Love Warrior by Glennon Doyle for a book that provides inspiration and hope and so much raw truth . We are all very much the same.
I had to quit after 3 chapters of pure terror and fear .
This book would be great if you were reading it for entertainment, or a project , but when your in the trenches this book amplified my fears and validated my deepest insecurities.
I would recommend Love Warrior by Glennon Doyle for a book that provides inspiration and hope and so much raw truth . We are all very much the same.
June 19, 2019
As much as I wish I didn't "need" to read this book, I found it helpful to read about others & to understand that this whole period of my life during a divorce is as "normal" as can be expected. The author does a great job of not only telling her story but sharing the stories of so many other people, both men & women who have survived a divorce.
June 18, 2024
🤯 I don’t t want to say I loved it. I really enjoyed the stories of how people navigated the painful journey of divorce. It gives real good insight. I keep thinking that if people were driven to act out of kindness and love for humanity instead of fear and control the world would be a better place. Is there a book on amicable divorces? I’d like to read that.
April 22, 2020
Someone recommended this book to me to help with coparenting in separated families and this had absolutely nothing to do with that whatsoever. Fortunately I am a nosy person who enjoyed the anecdotes about the various scandals other people have experienced.
January 4, 2018
An outstanding book for anyone trying to negotiate the breakdown of their marriage.
January 29, 2019
I found this fascinating. It was nice to read that lots of people have similar experiences after divorce, and helpful to read the phases of the healing process.
November 18, 2019
Practical advise on navigating hardship; good for anyone (not just those in divorce) who are looking for guidance with a lot of tough feelings.
July 30, 2020
great read for anyone going through something like this.
June 9, 2021
It wasn’t until over a year after my own divorce that I read this book, and it wasn’t until that point that I finally understood the answer to the question that I had been asking myself over and over: what happened to us?!
Trafford’s hypothesis is that divorce occurs after a couple reaches marriage deadlock, which is when one partner assumes the role of the “Dominate Denier” and the other partner assumes the role of the “Submissive Deceiver” all the time. It isn’t until either 1) the “Submissive Deceiver” sees the possibility for a more independent and fulfilling life or 2) the “Dominate Denier” has nothing left give and becomes tired of carrying all the burdens of the relationship that one (or both) of the two decide to end the relationship.
Thinking about my own as well as my friends’ divorces - this hypothesis seems to stand the test of experience. And the new understanding afforded to me through the pages of Trafford’s book have helped me gain some closure for my last relationship and some perspective for my future one.
Trafford’s hypothesis is that divorce occurs after a couple reaches marriage deadlock, which is when one partner assumes the role of the “Dominate Denier” and the other partner assumes the role of the “Submissive Deceiver” all the time. It isn’t until either 1) the “Submissive Deceiver” sees the possibility for a more independent and fulfilling life or 2) the “Dominate Denier” has nothing left give and becomes tired of carrying all the burdens of the relationship that one (or both) of the two decide to end the relationship.
Thinking about my own as well as my friends’ divorces - this hypothesis seems to stand the test of experience. And the new understanding afforded to me through the pages of Trafford’s book have helped me gain some closure for my last relationship and some perspective for my future one.
February 10, 2024
Well. I guess it’s good to know what to expect.
Displaying 1 - 30 of 56 reviews