Holy Sex!: A Catholic Guide to Toe-Curling, Mind-Blowing, Infallible Loving

by Gregory K. Popcak

Common wisdom portrays sex and church to be at odds, yet studies show that Catholics have better sex, and more often. This witty, frank, and refreshingly orthodox book draws from the beautiful truths of Catholic teaching to show people of all faiths about rich and satisfying sexuality. Hailed by Christians across the spectrum from Christopher West and Janet E. Smith to John L. Allen, Jr., Holy Sex! includes dozens of questionnaires, quizzes, and valuable lessons from real-life stories.

Genres: Marriage, Catholic, Spirituality, Nonfiction, Theology, Religion, Christian

352 pages, Paperback

First published April 1, 2008

About the author

Dr. Gregory Popcak is the Executive Director of the Pastoral Solutions Institute, an organization dedicated to helping Catholics find faith-filled solutions to tough marriage, family, and personal problems. The author of over a dozen popular books integrating solid Catholic theology and counseling psychology (including; For Better…FOREVER!, Holy Sex!, Parenting with Grace, Beyond the Birds and the Bees), Dr. Popcak is an expert on the practical applications of the Theology of the Body. Through the Pastoral Solutions Institute, he directs a group pastoral tele-counseling practice that provides ongoing pastoral psychotherapy services to Catholic couples, individuals and families around the world. Since 2001, he and his wife and co-author, Lisa Popcak, have hosted several nationally-syndicated, call-in radio advice programs including Heart, Mind and Strength (Ave Maria Radio 2001-2010), Fully Alive! (Sirius/XM-The Catholic Channel 2007-2010), and most recently, More2Life (Ave Maria Radio–Airing M-F, Noon-1pm Eastern– 2010-Present). They have also hosted two for EWTN (For Better…FOREVER! & God Help Me!). Dr. Popcak’s articles appear regularly in Catholic periodicals such as Catholic Digest, Family Foundations, and others. Dr. Greg Popcak and Lisa Popcak are sought after public speakers and trainers and have been honored to address audiences across North America, Australia, and Hong Kong.

In addition to his ministry work, Dr. Popcak serves as adjunct faculty for the Franciscan University of Steubenville in both the sociology and graduate theology departments where he teaches Christianity & Society and Pastoral & Spiritual Direction respectively. He also serves on the faculty of the doctor of social work program for the Harold Abel School of Behavioral Health at Capella University.

Reviews

[Shelby Poinikiewski · Rating 5 out of 5]

Okay, I finally got myself to read this ridiculously titled book. It came highly recommend but I was too embarrassed by the title, as other reviews have mentioned, to actually read it. I actually really found this book so valuable, and think a lot of practicing, devout, Catholic couples are sadly missing out on so much valuable marriage formation in our current marriage prep classes and I wish this book was required reading (at LEAST for the instructors of these classes for goodness' sake!). I'm tired of hearing about marriage from celibate virgins! There, I said it. I was surprised and honestly impressed at how thorough this book was on the marriage itself before ever getting into the nitty gritty/practical aspects of actual sex. Like probably 75% of the book you have to read before ever getting there, and it's actually all really valuable! I particularly enjoyed the sections on infertility, rituals and routines, personal and spiritual growth, connectedness, playfulness, as well as soooo many resources for anything you can think of regarding marriage from NFP to counseling. 10/10 highly recommend to anyone trying to get married, my only complaint is that I didn't read it before I was married, which is due to me not knowing about it, which I believe is due to everyone being so put off by the title. I told a priest friend I was reading a book called Holy Sex and he was like "What? For fun? Why!" So again, people preparing for the sacrament should read this, and people preparing OTHERS for the sacrament should read this too.

[Gregory · Rating 4 out of 5]

Quite helpful. Popcak is an experience counselor, and deals with marriage and sexuality from a faithful Christian perspective. Although he does not understand Protestant theology (especially in regard to the Puritans), most of what he says can fit within classical Protstantism. I was surprised to see how much wisdom Pope John Paul II had on issues of marriage and sexuality. In fact, I have more in common with faithful Roman Catholics than with liberal Protestants.

[Michelle Rogers · Rating 5 out of 5]

Dr. Gregory Popcak does a wonderful job of explaining authentic Christian (Catholic) teaching on sex. Throughout this book he brings to light the truth of how the Church honors and desires for married couples to have great, pleasurable sex!
He discusses the One Rule and how all acts of sex should respect the dignity of both people involved and respect what the act of sex itself is saying (aka the language the body is speaking when a couple comes together in an act of intercourse - it is unitive and procreative). Holy Sex as he describes it involves the erotic but is much more then just eroticism it relates to the entire person and the relationship as a whole (its more then a recreational activity for pleasure).
In addition to covering these important explanations of holy sex compared to mere eroticism, this book also provides very helpful and practical tips to help couples deal with common issues related to sex and provides activities to help couples discuss and deal with some of these issues with gentle reminders that it is OK and sometimes necessary to seek proper professional help for certain issues (he also provides resources and information on finding good resources for various issues). Some of the issues discussed include: sex after kids, natural family planning, infertility, sexual problems for women and sexual problems for men, infidelity, masturbation/porn addictions and other relationship issues that may be present in a couples marriage and lead towards a less then ideal sexual unity within the mariage.
Over all a great guide to sex that I would encourage any married or engaged couple consider reading to help empower them to enter into a marriage with great and holy sex!

[Ronald · Rating 1 out of 5]

First off, this book is very sexually-explicit, with detailed descriptions of every kind of sex act imaginable. So the book lacks any semblance of Christian modesty. Second, despite the title, the author's statements on what is morally permissible in the marital bedroom are contrary to the teachings of the Catholic Church and the teachings of those Saints who have written on the topic. Much of the book reads like a secular therapist writing for the general population. It is modern psychology (or pop-psychology) wearing a Catholic Christian mask. Popcak's "one rule" for determining the morality of sexual acts between spouses is nowhere to be found in Church doctrine. And his "four pleasure principles" are his own invention as a social worker and counselor.

Gregory Popcak is not a psychologist; he has a Ph.D. in "human services" from a for-profit online university (Capella University). This book's popularity belies its contents. Not Catholic, and not holy.

[Alexis · Rating 4 out of 5]

Ridiculous and absurd at times but many good & helpful nuggets. Worth the read despite the cover that would maybe lead you to never take it off the book shelf.

[Karen · Rating 3 out of 5]

Despite the eye-catching title, this is not a how-to manual but instead a study on God's plan for marriage and sex, drawing heavily on Pope John Paul's Theology of the Body and John VI's Humanae Vitae as well as Holy Scripture and other encyclicals.

Still, I covered the book in brown paper before leaving it by my chair in a house with kids :)

[Shannon Monroe · Rating 5 out of 5]

In spite of the sensationalist title, this is a really great book on fostering intimacy (both sexual and non-sexual) in a lifelong marriage rooted in friendship and love for God. It also has a really clear explanation of the rationale behind NFP and its benefits for communication and respect within marriage (not just for the short-term goal of spacing or achieving pregnancies).

[Nicole Fernyc · Rating 5 out of 5]

I’m putting this on my goodreads despite the title and no one judge me for it because this book was life-changing in its description of sex and marriage. Definitely a must-read for engaged Catholics. I think this book could also be helpful for those struggling to define sex and understand their relationship with it in a world which has a very “anything goes” attitude to sex. It does quote religion a lot though, so non-Christian audiences may struggles with some of it.

[Jeff Koloze · Rating 5 out of 5]

Popcak’s often humorous, yet always faithful work on sexuality in marriage can help twenty-first century married persons understand and enjoy their sexuality better.

Popcak’s range of sexual knowledge crosses several disciplines, so everyone will find something interesting. For example, philosophers and social scientists will enjoy the discussion of the Jansenist influence on the education of priests and religious, an influence responsible for the negative views of sexuality that some misguided souls had for generations (see pages 13ff). While biologists and chemists may understand immediately the fact that “the presence of semen in the vagina causes a powerful chemical chain reaction in the woman, and the absence of this chemical reaction cannot help but impede the physiological process of attachment of one lover to another”, others may see in this passage the reason why their contracepted or surgically-altered (by vasectomy) sexual activity “is simply not as satisfying” (135).

Besides the diverse disciplines covered, every age group will find something interesting in Popcak’s work. His presentation of the “One Rule” (regarding having sexual climax occur within the woman, pages 191ff) is not only cogent but easy to understand and argue, especially against those who think that sex is just another activity to “do” for pleasure and not part of a marriage commitment between two loving persons. Young marrieds will greatly enjoy (and I mean greatly) the explicit sexual material in chapter thirteen.

Teenaged boys who wish to overcome the masturbation habit will appreciate Popcak's general discussion of Catholic ethics. Adult married men who ejaculate prematurely will find chapter seventeen (common sexual problems for men), particularly the stop-and-squeeze method, pages 291ff, especially helpful.

Women who find intercourse painful will appreciate Popcak’s suggestions in chapter seventeen to resolve this issue (pages 283ff), as well as his deep concern for women’s sexual needs within marriage balanced with their fertility.

Since most of the research cited is interesting reading, the work suffers from having neither an index nor a full bibliography. Hopefully, this flaw will be rectified in future editions.

Overall, though, Popcak’s work is an absolute necessity for those professionals who work with married men and women who have sexual problems, for those who befriend men and women who wish to take their married love to higher levels, and (especially) for priests who counsel twenty-first century Catholics. Popcak is one of the new breed of Catholic professional counselors and writers—trained in standard sexual terminology yet unafraid to reclaim sex within marriage as the great good that it is. For this reason alone, every priest should study Popcak’s ideas to better support Catholic married couples in this new millennium; doing so is entirely consistent with recent work by the Synod on the Family.

[Emily · Rating 5 out of 5]

Title? Ridiculous. Contents? Exceedingly enlightening.

I sought out this book as one who is a Catholic convert and someone who struggles with trusting NFP wholeheartedly to the point of extreme anxiety that kills any sexual drive I have or had. The first couple of chapters contain a lot of corny humor, but once Popcak gets down to business, he really lays out a lot of heartfelt tips and explanations on being Catholic, struggling, and desiring to be closer to your spouse. I feel like some chapters in his book should even be required in marriage prep classes -such as the NFP chapters. I do recommend this book, especially once you make it through the bad title and corny beginning.

[Paige Skipper · Rating 5 out of 5]

I would consider this required reading for any married couple, regardless of whether or not they are Catholic. The last few chapters were a little irrelevant for general learning and instead apply to specific issues, but this candid take on sex and marriage made an immediate impact on my marriage.

[Stefani · Rating 2 out of 5]

This book was just weird. I knew it was Catholic going into it (I'm not Catholic), but it really is steeped in Catholic theology specifically, not just Christian theology that could have a broader application. Fine, it's very Catholic... maybe it has other good things. Not really. The book has a very authoritative feel, but the author is mostly a radio host (he involved in counseling organizations, but he is not a certified or trained counselor... nor a doctor, nor a priest/pastor... which is what these types of books are usually written by) which means he has no actual knowledge base to back up his authority. I mean, he might have some personal experience or some reading, but no credentials. Fine. The book could still be good, right? Again, no. Mostly, he paints everything as a dichotomy. It's either eroticism or Holy Sex. You are either an "infallible lover" (who's infallible in the first place?) or you are doing it wrong. He also has a few topics where he categorizes things or behaviors, but his categories are made up by himself. I ended up speed running the last 2/3 of this book because I just couldn't take it anymore. I slowed down a bit around his NFP talk just out of curiosity, but he bashes hormonal contraceptives (fine, those have problems) and condoms (sperm being in a woman's vagina is beneficial to her)... but this would leave open items like a diaphragm or cervical cap. Oh well. The Catholic Church says all contraception is bad: either accept whatever babies come or use NFP (you know, so you never have sex with your wife when it's actually most pleasurable for her and least likely to have any sensitivities due to her hormones/body changes... which he previously had gone over in the book).

Anyway, I'm not even sure what this book is supposed to be... it's trying to cover the physical, emotional, and theological aspects of sex, but it does most of them very poorly (except for touting the Catholic party lines on sex). Unless you really really must have something Catholic, you are better off reading The Gift of Sex (Penner, best book on physical aspects of sex), or When Two Become One (McCluskey, best book on emotional/spiritual/theological aspects of sex).

[Judgemental Toast · Rating 1 out of 5]

This book is the most disgusting, abhorrent, scandalous book I have ever read. Any Catholic should be ashamed to promote this filth. One look at what the ACTUAL Catholic Church teaches about marriage (try the encyclical "Casti Connubi") and one can see just how perverse this man is. Catholic's need to pick up St. Thomas Aquinas, heck, pick up any one of the beautiful ENCYCLICALS from Pope Leo XIII (Arcanum Divinae Sapientiae On Christian Marriage), or Pope Pius XI (Casti Connubii: On Christian Marriage) and one can easily see that Popcaks perversity is totally at odds with the One True Faith, founded by Jesus Christ. Imagine telling an audience that "God has orgasms" !!!!!!! Imagine saying that vibrators and sex toys are "marital aids" !!!!! Imagine saying that sodomizing your own wife is good and holy!!! Any copy of this book should be burned. The author needs to stop calling himself whatever Catholic marriage guru he thinks he is. This is NOT Catholicism.

"But he that shall scandalize one of these little ones that believe in me, it were better for him that a millstone should be hanged about his neck, and that he should be drowned in the depth of the sea.
[Matthew 18:6]

Anyone who needs more proof of this book (or rather, Popcaks idea of a holy marriage) being absolute trash should read this article, HERE

And pages 176 - 184 in EWTN: A Network Gone Wrong read it online here

[Margo · Rating 3 out of 5]

My summary - about good sex after marriage, focused on NFP, but also some points on church teaching, and sex positions, and problems. Quite strange. Toted his books a lot.

How to be an infallible lover - love, responsibility, faith, respect, intimacy, cooperation, joy, and personhood.

Best love comes from giving yourself - body, mind, and spirit - to your partner.

Holy sex has the power to make the common holy, has sacramental and redemptive power, to be a physical sign of god’a love for us, to unite, and to create.

Apparently there’s only one rule with what you can do with sex which is to respect each other and man has to finish inside woman (as to not prevent possible pregnancy), which ew. Anything else is fair game.

Very odd context to read this book in.

[Eric · Rating 3 out of 5]

Skimmed the text, as a lot of the content felt very self-help-like. There were some shining areas that were well-worth the read but I feel as if much of the same content could be delivered more succinctly.

[Hannah Shininger · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book, along with Christopher West’s “The Good News about Sex and Marriage” has transformed my fiancé (now husband) and I’s relationship. We have journeyed together through this book from long distance dating and discussing each chapter together. What a gift married life is!

[Kevin · Rating 4 out of 5]

Popcak’s book is a solid investigation Into what Catholic teaching on marital sex means in light of Pope John Paul II’s Theology of the Body and the teachings of the Church Fathers. Some practical exercises and discussion points supplement the broader discussion.

[J.J. Lair · Rating 4 out of 5]

It isn’t about sex is bad or filthy. It’s more about sex and love and couples. Be kinky, but be a couple and in love. Kinky for kinky sake with just a friend with benefit can lose it’s appeal. It may become boring.
A different way of talking.

[Kristin Loving · Rating 5 out of 5]

Amazing, helpful, and I am of the mindset should be required reading for all faithful engages or newly married Catholics.

[Aaron Eichler · Rating 5 out of 5]

It truly gave me much to think about. It is not a step by step instructions about how to please your spouse, but a way to get closer as a couple.

[Elaine · Rating 4 out of 5]

Excellent book to navigate what popular culture attempts to steal—the goodness and beauty of sex.

[Casimir de Bonneval · Rating 5 out of 5]

Must read.

[Bennett Schurr · Rating 5 out of 5]

Good book

[Miriam Collins · Rating 5 out of 5]

No notes, all amazing!!

[Becca McCarty · Rating 5 out of 5]

Learned so much about the true purpose of sex and how it is reflected in the Catholic faith in the Mass!

[Cassandra Ho · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is an excellent book for anyone wanting to learn more, or just needs a refresher, about the Theology of the Body and how it relates to sex in marriage. The psychology stuff is very informative and helpful, as most of us have pre-conceived ideas about what is 'good' and 'bad' as far as sex is concerned, and this book is very eye-opening and liberating, taken in context.

I find the cover really annoying, since I am trying to read through it again and have younger and older kids, and I can't just leave it hanging around. This problem COULD be solved by getting in digital format, but for some mysterious reason, it's only available in print and doesn't even seem to be readily available. I do hope they make it available on the kindle soon. I like to come back to this book, and the print as it is is large, and the words on the front are just SO BIG.

[Nicole Padley · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book gives a good synopsis of John Paul II's, Theology of the Body as well as dispelling some of preconceived notions about Catholic sexual ethics. Covered some practical insights that can be applied within marriage and finally touched on some common problems couples face. Overall, I think this book is a must have for any married couple. However, my one critique would be that at times it can be a bit of a slow read which is truly the only reason I'm rating it a 4.

[Mark Tirona · Rating 5 out of 5]

Holy Sex is Wholly Catholic

In our secularly saturated and morally wounded word, Holy Sex is definitely a light in the darkness. The books lifts the distorted veil that society has placed upon sex and reveals it to us in the way God intended it to be. It is faithful to the Magisterium of the Church, thus, Catholics are thus given a faithful guide to become the most sensually intimate of lovers!

[GothChickVibing · Rating 2 out of 5]

Meh. I had to read it for pre-marital counseling. I liked the psychology stuff but some of it I just skimmed through thinking, "Blah, blah, blah, yeah, tell me about it." *shrugs* It kept referring to a different book by somebody which was a bit annoying after awhile. Some of it was interesting, granted.

[Joyce · Rating 5 out of 5]

A good book about Catholic sexuality, in line with Church teachings, and written from a refreshingly joy-filled perspective. Popcak writes, being well-informed by the Theology of the Body as well as what seems like much professional experience as a marriage counselor.