What I Couldn't Tell My Therapist: The Truths We Told to Heal Our Lives

by Michelle M. May

What I Couldn't Tell My Therapist shares the unforgettable stories of three patients in intensive therapy. Michelle, a dedicated psychotherapist, struggles with an addiction to people-pleasing and perfectionism while being tethered to opioids by mysterious chronic pain. After her own transformative odyssey, Michelle helps two troubled patients, Walter and Emma. Walter confronts the shadows of crippling depression and an intimate attachment to cannabis, while Emma yearns for a relationship but is stymied by her haunting fear of vulnerability. Within the sacred confines of intensive therapy sessions, their stories intertwine, creating a sanctuary for profound revelation.

Through these stories, the profound truth emerges--that the unspoken holds the power to shape our healing journey. What I Couldn't Tell My Therapist serves as a testament to the power of intensive therapy, inviting us to confront the depths of our unspoken truths and unlock the hidden pathways to profound transformation.

Genres: Psychology, Nonfiction, Mental Health, Self Help

304 pages, Paperback

Published October 8, 2024

About the author

Michelle M. May, LPC, NCC, is a psychotherapist based in Virginia and Washington, DC, distinguished for her expertise in Intensive Short-Term Dynamic Psychotherapy (ISTDP). She became a licensed professional counselor and a nationally certified counselor after receiving her bachelor’s in psychology from the University of Michigan LSA Honors College and her master’s in clinical mental health counseling from Marymount University. With a passion for advancing the field, Michelle serves as the chair of the ISTDP core training program at the New Washington School of Psychiatry in Washington, DC, and has been on the faculty at the New Washington School of Psychiatry since 2019. She is a certified teacher and supervisor by the International Experiential Dynamic Therapy Association (IEDTA). Her teachings not only enrich the understanding of this specialized therapy but also contribute to the development of future practitioners. In addition to her academic pursuits, Michelle runs a thriving private practice in Arlington, Virginia, and Washington, DC, where she extends her expertise in intensive dynamic psychotherapy to adults and couples. Her approach is rooted in a deep understanding of the complexities of the human mind, and she employs ISTDP to facilitate transformative change in her clients. Beyond her clinical and educational roles, Michelle extends her reach into the international community, providing training for health practices, organizations, and universities seeking to enhance their understanding of mental health and intensive dynamic therapies. Her expertise is a valuable resource for professionals seeking to incorporate innovative therapeutic approaches into their practice. Moreover, Michelle is recognized for her supervision of licensed medical and mental health professionals in experiential dynamic therapies, including ISTDP. Her guidance ensures that practitioners receive comprehensive support and mentorship, fostering the growth and development of therapists within the dynamic field of psychotherapy. In her commitment to intensive psychodynamic mental health awareness and education, Michelle leverages social media to share valuable insights. Her Instagram account, @michellemmaylpc, serves as a platform for disseminating mental health information and engaging with a wider audience, further contributing intensive psychodynamic mental health education.

Reviews

[Shaimaa شيماء]

من الكتب اللي كل واحد فينا ممكن يلاقي فيها جزء من نفسه..

مترجم بعنوان ما لم أخبر به طبيبي النفسي.. اصدارات ملهمون..



فكرة الكتاب ومضمونه

كتم المشاعر: يناقش كيف يُسكت الناس أنفسهم لحماية من يحبونهم، مما يؤدي إلى إلحاق الأذى النفسي بأنفسهم بطرق خفية.

الصراعات الداخلية: يسلط الضوء على الأفكار والمشاعر العميقة التي يخشى الأفراد البوح بها حتى داخل جلسات العلاج النفسي.

خوف الرفض: يوضح سبب إخفاء الحقيقة بسبب الخوف من عدم الفهم أو النبذ والرفض من الآخرين.

الدفاعات النفسية: يشرح كيف يبني الإنسان استراتيجيات دفاعية لإخفاء مشاعره بهدف البقاء على مقربة ممن يقدمون له الرعاية، وكيف تؤثر هذه الدفاعات على رحلة التشافي.

**إن الفخر بالدفاعات النفسية أمر شائع، لا سيما إذا كان المجتمع يعجب بها وكانت عائلتك ممتنة لها: "يا لك من قوية لأنك لم تذرفي دمعة ومضيت قدمًا بهذه السرعة!". كانت حالات الوداع سهلة علي دائمًا بدا أنني أبتعد عن العلاقات دون أي مشكلة. لقد كنت أنا من ينهي كل علاقة مررت بها في حياتي، باستثناء علاقة دامت أسبوعين مع صبي في الصف السابع. كانت قدرتي على المضي قدمًا شيئًا أعشقه في نفسي كنت محصنة ضد ما يشعر به البشر الآخرون الذين كنتُ أعدهم ضعفاء بعد الانفصال. كنت عظيمة.

ولكن تلك لم تكن الحقيقة. فالقوة تكمن في مواجهة الألم، لا في دفنه أو إنكاره.

[Katie Golden]

This book is a must-read for anyone on a path towards self-discovery and healing. May follows the interwoven stories of herself and her clients to provide eye-opening insight into our subconscious. Her narratives show the reader how to unlock a deeper level of consciousness and find freedom from anxiety, depression, chronic pain, and substance use. And she does so with humor, humility, and compassion that makes the book approachable and heart-warming.

[David]

Bland det bästa jag läst. Boken kan nästan läsas fullt ut som skönlitterär med olika patienter som man får följa återkommande i respektive kapitel.

Det var oerhört givande när författaren, som annars är terapeuten till patienter i övriga kapitel, skriver om sina egna erfarenheter som patient — och dessutom knyter ihop sina insikter över sitt egna fungerande i förhållande till hennes terapeutiska relationer med givna patienter.


Rekommenderar starkt. För alla, med olika ändamål. Vill lägga emfas vid hur lättillgängligt innehållet är i förhållande till ämnet som tacklas. Tror aldrig jag har sett en sådan enkel och pedagogisk förklaring av konceptet (försvarsmekanismen) ”projektiv identifikation”. Dessutom inbakad i en skönlitterär text. Inte tråkig kursbok. Otroligt.

5+.

[Karla]

This was such a great book and I cannot recommend it enough. What I Couldn’t Tell My Therapist is incredibly reader friendly and explains ISTDP in the easiest and most profound way I’ve come across. It makes a complex therapeutic approach feel accessible to anyone.

What made this book so special for me was the parallel process of reading it, I found myself not just learning about therapy, but learning about myself at the same time. So many of the things Michelle shares from her own therapy journey connected deeply with what I’ve been working through in my own. I would highly recommend this to anyone who is genuinely interested in doing the deep work of therapy, getting to your core emotions, living past them, and not letting your past dictate or dismiss who you are today.

[Akad Hanna]

Riktigt fin bok. Författaren gör ett sjukt imponerande jobb med att beskriva terapiprocessen på ett enkelt och pedagogiskt sätt. Särskilt olika typer av försvar. Gillar att man får följa med tre olika terapier från början till slut, en välkommen kontrast till alla terapivinjetter man läst. Man får hela resan så att säga.

Tar bland annat med mig perspektivet på hur ångest kan sätta sig i kroppen, gillar verkligen emfasen som läggs där, det är något jag annars lätt kan bortse från. Tar även med hur varje grej en patient yttrar, vare sig verbalt eller icke-verbalt, är värdefull information som kan placeras i något av hörnen i konflikttriangeln. Gillade också författarens sätt att visa hur hon använder sig av tolkningar. Boken inspirerade även till att hitta sin egen ton och touch som terapeut. Ja, finns mycket att hämta. Får väl bli en femma.

[Lingwei Ouyang]

As someone who has undergone ISTDP therapy, this book offers a unique and insightful perspective into the inner workings of a therapist’s thought process and techniques. It provides a transparent and detailed exploration of therapy from both sides—through the author’s experiences as a practitioner treating patients and as a patient undergoing treatment himself. This dual perspective enriches the reader’s understanding of the therapeutic process. Consequently, the book is highly suitable for individuals with a curiosity about psychology or for those currently navigating personal struggles, offering both intellectual engagement and emotional resonance.

[Mollie]

Michelle May’s book provides a rare and deeply personal look into the world of therapy, offering readers a window into her own process and experiences, something many therapists often shy away from. Her openness about her personal and professional journey is refreshing, and her ability to blend theory with personal anecdotes makes for an engaging and insightful read. The inclusion of her honest reflections demonstrates her vulnerability as a therapist, which serves as a great model for both clinicians and clients alike.

One of the standout aspects of this book is how well May explains her therapeutic process. The quoted interactions between her and her client Walter highlight her step-by-step approach to helping people understand their defenses and emotional responses. For instance, when Walter expresses discomfort with starting a session, it’s a simple but powerful moment that illustrates how therapy can challenge traditional dynamics and lead to growth.

May’s insights, such as her explanation of how defenses protect us but also keep us distant from our feelings, are both thought-provoking and easy to relate to. This a must-read for anyone interested in understanding the therapeutic process or seeking deeper insight into their own emotional experiences.

[Victoria Thompson]

The Untold Stories of Therapy: A Clinicians Journey Through the Healing Truths We All Need to Hear

As a therapists myself, I cannot praise May’s book enough. Deeply moving and insightful, it offers a rare glimpse into the transformative journey of therapy through three unforgettable patient stories. I found myself particularly touched by the raw honesty and vulnerability in these narratives. May's book doesn't just tell stories; it reveals the subtle ways patients navigate their therapeutic journey – the hesitations, the unexpressed doubts, and the transformative breakthroughs that can happen between sessions.

May masterfully weaves together professional insight with personal experiences, creating a powerful testament to the healing process. The book not only illuminates the therapeutic journey but also reminds us of the importance of embracing our truths in order to heal. A must-read for anyone interested in understanding the profound impact of therapy and the courage it takes to confront our deepest struggles.

For new clinicians especially, this book is an essential read that goes beyond theoretical frameworks to expose the real, messy work of healing. It offers unique insights into the patient’s perspective that no clinical training manual can provide. May's exploration of what clients withhold, and why, has profound implications for how we approach resistance, build therapeutic alliance, and create safer spaces for authentic disclosure.

The narratives serve as powerful reminders that patients experiences extend far beyond weekly sessions, and understanding these unspoken elements can dramatically enhance clinical effectiveness. Whether you're fresh out of graduate school or a seasoned practitioner, this book will reshape how you think about the therapeutic relationship and the sacred space we hold for our patients’ healing journeys. I cannot recommend it enough! A must read!!

[Josh Pittman]

glad a book like this exists and is contributing to a re-popularization of psychodynamic/transference-focused methods. it offers a nice glimpse into psychodynamic processes, clarifying how organic and relational this kind of therapy is in practice; especially beneficial is May’s rendering of her countertransference experiences, her thought processes as she is sitting with patients, etc. on the downside the writing is incredibly corny and melodramatic. which, to be fair, so is talk therapy sometimes. but one wishes May was a tighter writer, and a little less credulous. what she produces in the end is a text which is honest, yes, but also cloaked in a kind of weepy self-indulgence. a defence, no?

the complexity of the theories and processes going on within an IDP/ISTDP orientation are greatly simplified. a manual/clinical text this is not. which is fine to an extent but in any case simplification and abstraction always run the risk of misleading readers you are attempting to educate. May’s rendering of the IDP process makes the whole thing seem a bit more like abreaction/catharsis than the working-through process described by Davanloo/Towns/Abbass; one would hate to have readers walk away with the idea that psychodynamic therapy is as simple as unburdening yourself of your emotions.

[Jane]

„Vina je nejbolestnější pocit. Pramení z našeho syrového lidství. Říká nám, že milujeme. Říká nám, že dokážeme snášet své chyby za účelem obnovy vztahu a že si nemusíme nalhávat, že jsme dokonalí. Když svou vinu popřeme, vyšleme se na cestu bolesti.“
Michelle M. May v knihe píše o jej osobných terapeutických sedeniach a jej dvoch klientoch. Každý z nich má svoje bolesti, ktoré mu stoja v ceste sebarozvoju. Čitateľ sleduje, ako sa postupne dostávajú k tomu, čo sa za nimi skutočne skrýva a ako samotné pomenovanie problému ešte neznamená, že sme pripravení mu čeliť.
Kniha je písaná pútavo a s jemnosťou aj napriek ťažkým témam. Mňa osobne obohatil spôsob, akým sa autorka na svojich sedeniach zameriava na obranné mechanizmy. Pozoruje ich, snaží sa im porozumieť a postupne odhaľovať, pred čím klienta chránia, aby sa mohli dostať bližšie ku koreňom jeho problémov.
Musím povedať, že spočiatku sa mi kniha čítala ťažšie, pretože som vnímala slová klienta, terapeutky a zároveň svoje vlastné myšlienky a reakcie. Neskôr mi však práve tento spôsob rozprávania umožnil viac sa ponoriť do terapeutického procesu. Mala som pocit, akoby som nebola len pozorovateľom toho, čo sa na sedení odohráva, ale zároveň som bola nútená vnímať aj vlastné reakcie.
Veľmi oceňujem aj autorkinu odhodlanosť spoznávať samu seba a svoje nevedomie, aby mohla lepšie pomáhať svojim klientom a sebe samotnej.
Knihu by som odporučila najmä odborníkom a študentom psychológie, ale podľa mňa môže zaujať aj laikov, ktorí chcú nazrieť do terapeutického procesu a sledovať, ako sa človek vyrovnáva s vlastnými emóciami a skúsenosťami.

[Janelle]

I was genuinely blown away by how much I learned from this book. As someone who’s always exploring ways to grow and heal, I found it incredibly relatable and eye-opening. I loved how Michelle shared her own story alongside those of two clients, each facing different challenges, yet all discovering that real healing begins when we face our emotions, especially the difficult ones.

Michelle’s writing is honest, vulnerable, and truly engaging. She has a gift for drawing you into the characters’ journeys while weaving in just the right amount of humor, making her voice feel both approachable and real, without ever downplaying the depth of the topics she explores.

If you struggle with anxiety, I highly recommend this book. I went through this type of therapy myself a few years ago, and it helped me release deeply held issues and a significant amount of anxiety. Reading this was a powerful and refreshing reminder of how transformative that process can be.

A heartfelt, insightful, and empowering read.

[Londonspop]

What I Couldn't Tell My Therapist is more than a memoir; it's a lifeline. Michelle brings a rare combination of clinical insight, lived experience, and emotional courage to every page. Her honesty is raw, but never reckless; her vulnerability is powerful, not performative. This book doesn’t just talk about healing, it embodies healing in every possible way! It reaches into the parts of us that feel too complex, too painful, or too hidden to ever be understood, and gently reminds us that we are not alone, and we are not broken. Michelle’s voice as a therapist, teacher, and human is something truly special and her ability to name the unspoken, and meet it with compassion, has the potential to shift not just individuals, but the entire conversation around mental and emotional wellness. Read this book if you're ready to feel seen in a way you didn’t think you could be seen. Read this book if you're ready to breathe a little easier and know that whatever feelings come up for you are messages and your greatest allies! Michelle May is the real deal, and this book proves it. - Jalon. J

[Asmaa]

- المعالجة تبدأ دوماً مع مرضاها بسؤال "ما الذي تشعر به تجاهي الآن؟" وكذلك استهل معالجها معها الأمر هي الأخرى

- تتجلى إجابة المريض في واحدة من ثلاث آليات، إما تصاعد القلق، كأن تشعر بالصداع، أو الحموضة، وإما الدفاعات النفسية العشوائية، كالإنكار، القمع.. إلخ، وهي على الأغلب نفس الدفاع الذي استخدمه المريض قديماً للتأقلم على المشاعر تجاه راعيه التي أحس أن لم يكن عليه أن يشعر بها، كأن يشعر الطفل بالغضب تجاه أحد والديه، ثم يشعر بالقلق تجاه هذا الشعور ف يستبدله بالشعور بالغضب/ الخزي من نفسه وغيرهم
الآلية الأخيرة، والأهم هي طفو الشعور الأساسي على السطح، وهو المراد من سؤال المعالج منذ البداية.

- تصنف المعالجة مستويات القلق حول ما يسمى بعتبة القلق، إذا كان القلق أقل من العتبة يسمى توتراً، وفي تلك الحالة يكون محاطاً بآليات للدفاع تسيطر عليه، من شأن الحوار مع الطبيب أن يسحب تلك الآلية، وفي تلك الحالة إما يعوضها المريض بأخرى سريعاً، أو يزداد القلق لما فوق العتبة، مخلفاً أثراً جسدياً عليه، وفي تلك اللحظة يمكن للفريق العلاجي التدخل لتنظيم القلق بدفاعٍ مفيد.

[Paula]

This book was a thoughtful, beautiful look behind both the therapy door and the therapist. Michelle May showcases the power and art of dynamic therapy, and the real human messiness to our emotions. Through the story of her own therapy, and the stories of her clients, you really get to see and feel the exploration of how our unconscious patterns can be recognized and then adapted. That is some scary and vulnerable work, and to share that in a larger way is brave. Reading this felt much like sitting with clients as they do the hard and scary work, in that I felt so honored to be witness to that humanity.

[Elyse T.]

After reading and really enjoying Lori Gottlieb's "You Should Really Talk to Someone," I was excited to read this book. It was a fascinating read - I really enjoyed the mix of personal stories, including Michelle's own, plus two of her patients. These stories provoked a lot of personal thinking about how childhood experiences can manifest in adulthood, what helpful/harmful coping mechanisms are part of my life now, and how I can have more honest conversations about what's going on in my own life and the lives of people I love.

[Ashli Hayes]

This is a book about psychotherapy that reads like a novel, while still having loads of interesting information about dynamic psychotherapy delivered in really digestible but useful ways. I think it would be useful for a client, a clinician new to psychotherapy or someone more experienced. It's also so refreshing to read about the author's therapy experience in such an honest and open way. It has really helped me deactivate my own self-attack as I notice and work on my own human flaws, all while working as a therapist and teacher to help students and clients work on theirs.

[LCB]

It is rare to find a book so beautifully written that contains equal parts practical guidance and personal testimony. This is a witnessing of the power of hard-earned healing and really exceptional therapy. I have recommended or given this book to my own clients, friends, and family, as there is something within for each of us to learn and appreciate. I could hardly put it down and will read over and over.

[Jack N.]

There is often a gap between what therapists understand about psychotherapy and clients understand. This book beautifully fills that gap. Michelle writes clearly and eloquently about the intensive therapy process, how the struggles of the therapist, when worked through appropriately, inevitably play out to create healing in the client, and speaks to the dynamics of therapeutic relationship. This book is bold, honest, and heartwarming.

[Lee]

This is such an incredible book. The three stories within are compelling, heartfelt and hopeful. I saw myself in all. Michelle M. May makes ISTDP principles accessible, sharing the experiences of therapist and patient in such a beautiful way. I couldn’t put it down. A great read for all.

[Erin]

Absolutely fantastic! This book really helped change the way I approached my therapy and mental health. This was a riveting read and I couldn’t put it down.

[Bianca Marie]

As a therapist I have very mixed feelings about the book, but ultimately it made me think and definitely changed my outlook by the end.

[Tracey]

Fairly good book about therapist, two of their clients and their own self journey. Just not as good as other books like it.

[Luke]

Incredible account of three people's therapeutic journey, one of them told first hand.

[Kelsey Penner]

Treasure in the form of a book. Informative, insightful, and complex, yet clear and digestible. Michelle’s vulnerability is inspiring and reminds us all that we are human; unconscious co-conspirators in our own suffering while full of healing potential when we move through defenses and anxiety to feel our feelings.

[Ben]

Phenomenal book! If you're going to pick up one non-fiction book this year, pick up this. It could change your life.

It's hard to believe there wasn't something like this out there, but there wasn't! This is a mix of memoir, great storytelling, and deep therapeutic insight. May practices a type of therapy many people might not be familiar with, but it's clearly powerful and effective, and you can feel it working on yourself as you read about these other people, because of course the internal struggles they and May face are similar to the problems we all face on a day to day basis.

The first story with Walter and his pot addiction was fascinating. I liked how the author used 16,801 days to highlight how long he’d been smoking, and to really drive home how significant it was.

Throughout the book, May helps people see just how much we neglect ourselves to protect and take care of others, and the severe cost of this habit. And here’s a type of therapy that can be really effective, but that’s not commonly taught and talked about, so the book is a great gateway for therapists and people in general looking for ways to really take care of themselves.

[Jamie Barnier]

"What I Couldn't Tell My Therapist" is a rare and compelling glimpse into the deeply personal and often unspoken moments within the therapy room. Michelle masterfully interweaves her own therapeutic journey with the experiences of two clients she treated using Intensive Short-Term Dynamic Psychotherapy (ISTDP). With remarkable clarity, she unpacks the complexities of this powerful therapeutic model in a way that is both accessible and deeply engaging—crafting a narrative so gripping, I could barely put it down.

If you've been seeking a deeper understanding of yourself and a genuine path to lasting change, this book is a must read.

—Dr. Jamie Barnier
Clinical Psychologist, Melbourne, Australia

[Monica Stone]

This is a lively and readable account of the author's personal therapy and of two of her clients. If you want to get a sense of how ISTDP works or if you are a practitioner of this complex therapy yourself you will enjoy the case histories of this very readable book.