What do you think?
Rate this book
ConCom: Conflict Communication A New Paradigm in Conscious Communication
Conflict Communications presents a functional taxonomy to see, understand and manipulate the roots of conflict. If you have ever wondered why your boss ignored a suggestion that could save millions of dollars, or why you have the same argument again and again with your spouse, the answers are here. As well as the tools to do something about it.
191 pages, Kindle Edition
First published February 26, 2014
119 people are currently reading
692 people want to read
About the author
Rory Miller
63 books132 followersSergeant Rory Miller is a corrections officer, a martial artist, and an instructor in both of those areas.
Librarian Note: There is more than one author in the GoodReads database with this name. See this thread for more information.
Librarian Note: There is more than one author in the GoodReads database with this name. See this thread for more information.
Ratings & Reviews
Friends & Following
Create a free account to discover what your friends think of this book!
Community Reviews
Displaying 1 - 30 of 41 reviews
October 14, 2017
Quick assertion of bias before we get started; Rory Miller is a friend of mine. However that being said, I was a fan of his work before we were friends and I got to meet him because of his work, and knowing him personally hasn't changed my opinion of his books. If anything, thanks to having discussed them with him I can appreciate them better now.
After meaning to read ConCom for nearly a year, I finally picked it up after author Anna Valdiserri made repeated references to it in her book Creepology: Self-Defense for your Social Life. I needed to see what the fuss was about.
ConCom is at bottom not a book, but rather a long-ish manual for a course of the same name he used to teach with fellow self-defense expert Marc MacYoung. The course is no longer offered unfortunately, but the book is available - and as you can see from my star rating, very much worth reading.
In a straightforward, quotable and occasionally humorous style, Miller lays out a basic road map for conflict and how to avoid it - as well as how to defuse it when it happens. Like Valdiserri, Miller makes his assertions from experience backed by research; experience to know what works and what does not, and research to know what scientific principles apply. I could give plenty of reasons to read this book, but instead I'll give the single most important one:
When it comes to de-escalating potentially violent situations, what Miller is telling people to do works. If it didn't work, Miller wouldn't be here to talk about it. As far as I'm concerned, when life and death are the stakes of the game (and in tense situations, they sure as hell can be) that's the only qualification anyone should need when dividing legitimate information from bullshit.
Also, Miller explains complex concepts in ways that would make sense to damn near anyone, so if you aren't "into" self-defense, martial arts or law enforcement, this book will still make sense to you.
I'd recommend ConCom to anyone who has to deal with other humans - which means yes, I'm recommending this to everyone.
After meaning to read ConCom for nearly a year, I finally picked it up after author Anna Valdiserri made repeated references to it in her book Creepology: Self-Defense for your Social Life. I needed to see what the fuss was about.
ConCom is at bottom not a book, but rather a long-ish manual for a course of the same name he used to teach with fellow self-defense expert Marc MacYoung. The course is no longer offered unfortunately, but the book is available - and as you can see from my star rating, very much worth reading.
In a straightforward, quotable and occasionally humorous style, Miller lays out a basic road map for conflict and how to avoid it - as well as how to defuse it when it happens. Like Valdiserri, Miller makes his assertions from experience backed by research; experience to know what works and what does not, and research to know what scientific principles apply. I could give plenty of reasons to read this book, but instead I'll give the single most important one:
When it comes to de-escalating potentially violent situations, what Miller is telling people to do works. If it didn't work, Miller wouldn't be here to talk about it. As far as I'm concerned, when life and death are the stakes of the game (and in tense situations, they sure as hell can be) that's the only qualification anyone should need when dividing legitimate information from bullshit.
Also, Miller explains complex concepts in ways that would make sense to damn near anyone, so if you aren't "into" self-defense, martial arts or law enforcement, this book will still make sense to you.
I'd recommend ConCom to anyone who has to deal with other humans - which means yes, I'm recommending this to everyone.
February 1, 2020
A quick read with excellent, apparently field-tested techniques to de-escalating conflict situations.
March 5, 2014
I was privileged enough to see Miller present this as a course in 2013. When I saw that it had become available in book form, I bought it immediately.
Like the tactician he is, Miller breaks down communication in a goal-oriented approach: how can you use communication (words, posture, gestures, moods) to achieve a certain goal? He starts by laying out a model of three decision-making modes that humans enter, mapped roughly to the hindbrain, the limbic system, and the neocortex--or, as he cheekily calls them, the Lizard, the Monkey, and the Human brain. Each mode responds better to certain forms of communication than others, and, in the case of the Monkey, frequently relapses into certain "scripts." The trick, Miller argues, is to recognize a script as it's happening--either to another person or to yourself--and to disengage.
What elevates this above other self-help / communication manuals is Miller's honest admission of where this model comes from. He admits the limitations of the model: it's not a one-to-one map of brain chemistry and human response; it's based on his own experience and a smattering of theory; it can be subverted, etc. But even with these qualifiers aside, you'll find yourself nodding and taking notes as you page through this handy little guide. "I always wondered why people did that," you'll say, or, more often, "I always wondered why *I* did that."
One caution: the Kindle version has a number of layout errors in it - odd spaces that creep into the midst of words. I'm sure it'll be fixed in a later edition, but it can be jarring while reading.
Like the tactician he is, Miller breaks down communication in a goal-oriented approach: how can you use communication (words, posture, gestures, moods) to achieve a certain goal? He starts by laying out a model of three decision-making modes that humans enter, mapped roughly to the hindbrain, the limbic system, and the neocortex--or, as he cheekily calls them, the Lizard, the Monkey, and the Human brain. Each mode responds better to certain forms of communication than others, and, in the case of the Monkey, frequently relapses into certain "scripts." The trick, Miller argues, is to recognize a script as it's happening--either to another person or to yourself--and to disengage.
What elevates this above other self-help / communication manuals is Miller's honest admission of where this model comes from. He admits the limitations of the model: it's not a one-to-one map of brain chemistry and human response; it's based on his own experience and a smattering of theory; it can be subverted, etc. But even with these qualifiers aside, you'll find yourself nodding and taking notes as you page through this handy little guide. "I always wondered why people did that," you'll say, or, more often, "I always wondered why *I* did that."
One caution: the Kindle version has a number of layout errors in it - odd spaces that creep into the midst of words. I'm sure it'll be fixed in a later edition, but it can be jarring while reading.
January 5, 2015
See some things now that I did not before. So simple a statement but astonishingly powerful in application. Rory always seems to deliver a metaphysical slap upside the head in a way that makes me wonder why I missed it before.
August 5, 2015
Louis L’Amour’s fictional character, Chick Bowdrie, walked a thin line. He could have easily fallen in with the outlaws, and nearly did so, but was grabbed in the nick of time by the Texas Rangers. And so throughout the short stories and novels, Bowdrie’s ability to think within the mind of the bad guys made him a brilliantly competent and successful Texas Ranger. This capacity to think from within the predator’s mind runs throughout Rory Miller’s works, which is what makes them highly beneficial. Miller, a veteran Law Enforcement Officer and corrections sergeant, has pulled together another fine resource in his 168 page paperback, “Conflict Communication: A New Paradigm in Conscious Communication.” This is a book about communicating in tense and tight situations, whether at work, in in the home, at the pub, or on the street. It is written for Law Enforcement Officers, employees, supervisors, and men and women in all walks of life.
“Conflict Communication” is the meat-and-potatoes material from the author’s communications course. It presents the reader with a workable model for navigating communicative landmines, roadblocks, and traps. Miller follows an evolutionary pattern of how the brain functions and human consciousness operates. The most primal is what he calls the lizard. This is the hindbrain where the most primitive survival instincts lodge. The more developed is what he denominates the monkey brain. That part of our consciousness, the limbic system, which swims in the emotional stream and is concerned with status, social behavior and keeping the tribe alive. The most developed is the human brain, the neocortex, the youngest and newest member of the brain family. It is slower, yet gathers evidence, thinks, and weighs the options, as well as cause and effect. It is from this three part paradigm that Miller works out how to, and how not to, communicate in the midst of conflict.
The author takes the reader through assorted communication dynamics where conflict, abuse, or aggression happen, and shows various ways to turn the tide. He explains and demonstrates the scripts we often fall into, their benefits and hazards, and how to break out of them when they’re not helpful. What hooks are, how to see them coming and not to get snagged. Different approaches to take in organizations when dealing with higher-ups, as well as untouchables. How to engage in active listening, use tactical apologies, build rapport, establish boundaries, and set up common ground. The book is clearly a “how-to” manual.
“Conflict Communication” is an easy-to-read volume, broken down into three sections, which are broken down further into shorter, bite-sized chunks. The author has made the material accessible and broadly applicable. As Miller puts it, everything “in this book is a tool. It can show you ways to understand how communications go wrong and how conflicts arise. It might even give you the understanding you need to make some profound changes” (130). It’s a book worth getting and investing your time reading.
My thanks to YMAA Publication Center for the complimentary copy of the book used for this review.
“Conflict Communication” is the meat-and-potatoes material from the author’s communications course. It presents the reader with a workable model for navigating communicative landmines, roadblocks, and traps. Miller follows an evolutionary pattern of how the brain functions and human consciousness operates. The most primal is what he calls the lizard. This is the hindbrain where the most primitive survival instincts lodge. The more developed is what he denominates the monkey brain. That part of our consciousness, the limbic system, which swims in the emotional stream and is concerned with status, social behavior and keeping the tribe alive. The most developed is the human brain, the neocortex, the youngest and newest member of the brain family. It is slower, yet gathers evidence, thinks, and weighs the options, as well as cause and effect. It is from this three part paradigm that Miller works out how to, and how not to, communicate in the midst of conflict.
The author takes the reader through assorted communication dynamics where conflict, abuse, or aggression happen, and shows various ways to turn the tide. He explains and demonstrates the scripts we often fall into, their benefits and hazards, and how to break out of them when they’re not helpful. What hooks are, how to see them coming and not to get snagged. Different approaches to take in organizations when dealing with higher-ups, as well as untouchables. How to engage in active listening, use tactical apologies, build rapport, establish boundaries, and set up common ground. The book is clearly a “how-to” manual.
“Conflict Communication” is an easy-to-read volume, broken down into three sections, which are broken down further into shorter, bite-sized chunks. The author has made the material accessible and broadly applicable. As Miller puts it, everything “in this book is a tool. It can show you ways to understand how communications go wrong and how conflicts arise. It might even give you the understanding you need to make some profound changes” (130). It’s a book worth getting and investing your time reading.
My thanks to YMAA Publication Center for the complimentary copy of the book used for this review.
May 7, 2020
Excellent book for effective communication and human psychology whether in the workplace or a dark alleyway.
September 30, 2017
"You cannot work for peace while ignoring violence any more than a doctor can create treatments while refusing to study disease."
"The people who do experience violence (both social and Asocial) and are willing to talk about it are marginalized, actively shunned. The tragedy of this taboo, like any other, is that it prvents the spread of information."
Every day we face some sort of conflicts that have subtle or significant effect on our daily life. This book is the best on the subject of these types of conflicts. In this book, Sgt. Rory Miller discusses communication, human behavior and thought patterns, and how to best communicate to achieve results and reduce and prevent conflict. Conflicts are not just physical violence. It has much more effect on our mind and brain which most of us fail to grasp.
Rory Miller served for 17 years in corrections as an officer and sergeant. Working maximum security, booking, and mental health. In this book, he puts insightful materials and theories on human behavior, violence related behaviors, and ways to respond to them.
We have three brains:
1. Lizard brain (survival – fight or flight response).
2. Monkey brain (emotion / social status).
3. Human brain (reason).
Monkey is the worst one that almost always puts us into jeopardy (although it has some good effects). Rory’s explanation on how to deal with each brain pattern and employ them to real life is fascinating. From corporate boardroom to abusive relationship as well as dealing with predators (criminals), this book is must for every conscious citizen out there. Traditional communication system has loopholes that are easily overlooked. Conflict communication has solved this issues in broader way.
"The people who do experience violence (both social and Asocial) and are willing to talk about it are marginalized, actively shunned. The tragedy of this taboo, like any other, is that it prvents the spread of information."
Every day we face some sort of conflicts that have subtle or significant effect on our daily life. This book is the best on the subject of these types of conflicts. In this book, Sgt. Rory Miller discusses communication, human behavior and thought patterns, and how to best communicate to achieve results and reduce and prevent conflict. Conflicts are not just physical violence. It has much more effect on our mind and brain which most of us fail to grasp.
Rory Miller served for 17 years in corrections as an officer and sergeant. Working maximum security, booking, and mental health. In this book, he puts insightful materials and theories on human behavior, violence related behaviors, and ways to respond to them.
We have three brains:
1. Lizard brain (survival – fight or flight response).
2. Monkey brain (emotion / social status).
3. Human brain (reason).
Monkey is the worst one that almost always puts us into jeopardy (although it has some good effects). Rory’s explanation on how to deal with each brain pattern and employ them to real life is fascinating. From corporate boardroom to abusive relationship as well as dealing with predators (criminals), this book is must for every conscious citizen out there. Traditional communication system has loopholes that are easily overlooked. Conflict communication has solved this issues in broader way.
March 25, 2014
most of this stuff i already knew. most people already know it, he says it himself throughout the book. what i like about it is that he doesn't overtly push himself onto you as some expert authority, all the key points are based on direct experiences we have already lived.
basically, we all operate on the lizard brain, monkey brain, and human brain. the key is to operate in the human brain during conflict because it gets us thinking the clearest. when someone starts conflict, they are trying to bring you into the monkey dance with them. the key is to notice that once you are playing the monkey game, you will subconsciously be locked into a script. you can either choose to remain on the script or pick a new one.
i like some of the tricks he expounds upon, like when someone challenges you, to act like certain things that would normally trigger a fight went below your notice. "what the f*ck you looking at?" "oh nothing, had a tough day at work, enjoying my beer. how about you?" in a normal tone, not patronizing. i will definitely read this book again in the future and continue reading this author's other work.
basically, we all operate on the lizard brain, monkey brain, and human brain. the key is to operate in the human brain during conflict because it gets us thinking the clearest. when someone starts conflict, they are trying to bring you into the monkey dance with them. the key is to notice that once you are playing the monkey game, you will subconsciously be locked into a script. you can either choose to remain on the script or pick a new one.
i like some of the tricks he expounds upon, like when someone challenges you, to act like certain things that would normally trigger a fight went below your notice. "what the f*ck you looking at?" "oh nothing, had a tough day at work, enjoying my beer. how about you?" in a normal tone, not patronizing. i will definitely read this book again in the future and continue reading this author's other work.
August 21, 2015
Based on “ConCom,” the police verbal de-escalation program Miller developed with Marc MacYoung, this book aims to introduce readers to more conscious methods of verbal communication that will sidestep instinctive reactions and promote peaceful solutions. The advice is practical and intuitive, yet picks up on tiny details that most people would not notice. Concise, helpful, and well-organized, this is strongly recommended for readers interested in the psychology of violence and improving communication skills.
(See my full review at Foreword.)
(See my full review at Foreword.)
January 15, 2019
Amazing book that everyone needs to read. We have reached an age where violence is a taboo. Our attitude to violence is like our attitude to sex in the 50s. We don't talk about it. It won't happen to us, it will only happen to people who don't well behave. As you can see from what happened to our attitude with sex in the 50s, it didn't work out that well. Violence can happen to anyone. Good people, bad people, young people, old people, men, women, children. We need to learn more about violence and how to protect ourselves, so that when in the event that it does happen to us, we know what to do.
Highly recommend all Rory Miller's books to anyone.
Highly recommend all Rory Miller's books to anyone.
January 18, 2020
Interesting book by a guy who did a panel on recognizing sociopaths at Orycon. It's about looking at the patterns in society and reaction from one's mind (human brain) rather than emotions (monkey brain). And noticing where other people are coming from and reacting appropriately.
July 27, 2017
Really good insights on group dynamics and a simple model to grasp them
January 2, 2021
We were hanging out in the room one Saturday morning. The whole family, having fun and relaxing. when the kids started arguing. I sat there looking at the back and forth escalation between them. and I knew there is only one way this script can end.
I realized I had 1 maybe 2 minutes to act before it's too late, and the little one will be running off with tears.
I felt my mind flipping through the chapters, looking for the right script to turn this interaction to. and then I thought I had one.
With nothing to loose and kids already in battle stations I tried to pull on a hook, and boom, in 2 minutes they were both laughing and starting off in a new game.
That was Magic!
I love this book. a must read for anyone who can appreciate a new tool set to examine and understand human behavior. both for others and yourself.
I realized I had 1 maybe 2 minutes to act before it's too late, and the little one will be running off with tears.
I felt my mind flipping through the chapters, looking for the right script to turn this interaction to. and then I thought I had one.
With nothing to loose and kids already in battle stations I tried to pull on a hook, and boom, in 2 minutes they were both laughing and starting off in a new game.
That was Magic!
I love this book. a must read for anyone who can appreciate a new tool set to examine and understand human behavior. both for others and yourself.
July 14, 2019
If you have a serious interest in protecting yourself, you should consider reading this book and everything else Rory Miller has written.
If you teach self-defense professionally, you MUST read everything written by Rory Miller if you care about doing your job the best it can be done. This is not debatable. Every competent self-defense instructor would agree with this statement.
I teach Karate and self-defense internationally and have for several decades. And I talk about Rory Miller often. When people ask me which book I suggest they read, I always say "All of them!"
You can thank me later. ;-)
If you teach self-defense professionally, you MUST read everything written by Rory Miller if you care about doing your job the best it can be done. This is not debatable. Every competent self-defense instructor would agree with this statement.
I teach Karate and self-defense internationally and have for several decades. And I talk about Rory Miller often. When people ask me which book I suggest they read, I always say "All of them!"
You can thank me later. ;-)
December 14, 2020
This is a short and to-the-point book. Rory Miller comes from the policing and prison guard world and that point of view comes through. That said, it has a lot of useful information presented without judgement. In some ways a kinder (more Buddhist-leaning) view of humans.
The focus of the book is to help get you out of your patterns of behavior (he calls this monkey mind/scripts) that you don’t see and allow you to see when others are there also so that you can use your “human mind” to make better decisions about how you’d like a situation to go. Useful in home relationships, work, everywhere.
The focus of the book is to help get you out of your patterns of behavior (he calls this monkey mind/scripts) that you don’t see and allow you to see when others are there also so that you can use your “human mind” to make better decisions about how you’d like a situation to go. Useful in home relationships, work, everywhere.
March 14, 2023
This is a great book, easy to read, and packed with actionable advice.
Much of the book is biased towards de-escalating physical violence (as obvious by the author's examples and background), but the main lessons are applicable in the workplace and other environments.
The author is not an academic, and I mean this as a compliment: there is no unnecessary theory here. When he uses Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs and/or the Triune brain theories, he does so to impart a lesson.
This is short and actionable, with no fluff, and occasional dashes of humor. I really enjoyed it, and will probably re-read it in the future. 4/5
Much of the book is biased towards de-escalating physical violence (as obvious by the author's examples and background), but the main lessons are applicable in the workplace and other environments.
The author is not an academic, and I mean this as a compliment: there is no unnecessary theory here. When he uses Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs and/or the Triune brain theories, he does so to impart a lesson.
This is short and actionable, with no fluff, and occasional dashes of humor. I really enjoyed it, and will probably re-read it in the future. 4/5
June 3, 2020
This book has been on my TBR for *years*, despite it being highly recommended by several people. I'm glad I finally got around to reading it, as it has been very much worth it. With current events (COVID shut downs, protests and riots), just following along with the news or on social media feeds gave ready examples of everything discussed in the book.
I own a few more books from Rory Miller that have also been on my TBR for years, and I'm looking forward to diving into them.
I own a few more books from Rory Miller that have also been on my TBR for years, and I'm looking forward to diving into them.
May 23, 2021
An excellent primer on de-escalation and communication in heated situations. More broadly, it is a breakdown of the different dynamics at play in human communication in a social/organizational context. Miller provides a purely functional perspective; the book is best described as a series of descriptions of social dynamics and tendencies related to communication and conflict and tactics to address them, without a unifying system. Recommended read.
November 5, 2025
I don’t know how this book became a bestseller. I was looking for insights on human behavior and violence, and this is pure nonsense. The author’s examples are over the top and completely unconvincing.
Let’s be real: only men could behave this stupidly. The book reads like a manual for clueless male behavior. If that’s the intended audience, fine—but for anyone expecting serious insight, this is a total waste of time. I regret picking it up.
Let’s be real: only men could behave this stupidly. The book reads like a manual for clueless male behavior. If that’s the intended audience, fine—but for anyone expecting serious insight, this is a total waste of time. I regret picking it up.
January 3, 2019
A work by a practicing enforcer, pieced together from various sources, forming this framework that can be easily applied and communicated.
The reptile, monkey and human respectively representing basic instinct, social instinct and human reason.
The reptile, monkey and human respectively representing basic instinct, social instinct and human reason.
February 4, 2019
I felt excited while reading on several occasions, for Rory Miller can deliver a life-like experience through words.
Reflecting what I learned here on my profession (applicable to all imho) , I found the application. Not just with suspects, but also when approaching a victim or a witness.
Reflecting what I learned here on my profession (applicable to all imho) , I found the application. Not just with suspects, but also when approaching a victim or a witness.
September 7, 2024
The best short description is provided by the author himself - you’re kinda familiar with all the statements and facts given. But you may be not much aware of them like the fish is not aware of the surrounding water.
Or - know your scripts and try operating them instead of them operating you.
Or - know your scripts and try operating them instead of them operating you.
October 17, 2015
Conflict Communication –A New Paradigm in Conscious Communication, by Rory Miller. Copyright 2015. YMAA Publication Center, Inc. Wolfsboro, NH. 167 pp.
I consider this one of the most important books, I’ve read in a long time, and I read a lot. It was that good.
The book discusses communication, human behavior and thought patterns, and how to best communicate to achieve results and reduce and prevent conflict.
Conflict, in this context, is defined as not just physical violence, but any sort of friction or interpersonal problem that can develop between two or more people. Much time is spent on the way differing communication styles can cause conflict, and how to avoid such problems and reduce their effects when conflict arises.
Rory Miller is a martial artist and self-defense expert, with a bachelor’s degree in psychology and sixteen years experience as a corrections officer. His materials are quite impressive for their insight into human behavior, violence related behaviors, and ways to respond to them. Of course, the best way, if possible, to respond to a threat of violence is to avoid it, and sometimes the best tool for avoiding violence or reducing a threat is communication.
This book came about when Marc MacYoung, another notable self defense author with a strong interest in communication, patterns of violence, and violence prevention and reduction, was teaching a de-escalation course and using many materials that came from Miller. Soon the two agreed to work together to create a program on communication and violence de-escalation. The result is this book.
The authors work on the premise that the human brain has three parts, and they each function differently resulting in a different style of reaction to perceived threats and different styles of behavior.
They describe these as “the human brain,” “the monkey brain,” and “the lizard brain.” Although I question if the science is as cut and dried as the book sometimes seems to imply it is, the concepts are quite useful (the author’s primary focus is application)
The human brain is the rational part that responds to communications and threats in a logical way without strong emotion.
The monkey brain is the part that responds to social pressures and works to keep the individual part of a group. This is said to be because primates survive best as part of a group. Although this part does respond to communication attempts it often responds in a very emotional way, distorting facts and priorities in order to follow a social agenda.
The lizard brain is the part that responds at a reflexive, physical level without conscious thought. When this part takes over communication is difficult to impossible.
Just a few random excerpts and communication strategies chosen almost at random to give a feel for the book.
On page 49, the author talks of the way the word “you” is often used in confrontational situations and advises avoiding it when possible. For instance, he suggests replacing “what are you doing?” with “what’s going on?”
The author speaks of the importance of recognizing scripts and not getting sucked into pre-programmed, unconscious patterns of behavior. In fact this is undoubtedly one of the often repeated lessons of the work. Part of the key to doing this is to remain conscious of one’s behavior, monitoring responses, and not taking things too personally.
Another lesson from the book is the way people and scripts often employ “hooks.” The author describes a hook as “an excuse to act out or a rationalization that will allow them to excuse their reactions later.” For instance, while it is not acceptable for a large man to beat a smaller person, in some situations if they can claim even a flimsy justification –i.e. “she didn’t know her place” or “he was trying to act smarter than me”—it can in some circles, or at least to the person doing the beating, appear justified. Again the author emphasizes the importance of recognizing scripts and not getting sucked in and playing them.
One of the most valuable lessons from the book are the parts where the author discusses how to achieve or improve the chances of achieving one’s goals within an organization (or other hierarchical social structure). Part of this, he states, is to strive for the receiver of the message to focus on content rather than the possibility that the speaker is threatening the hierarchy or power structure. He offers a few phrases that show the speaker “knows his (or her) place” and thus is not threatening the group when making suggestions. For instance, he says that if one begins with something like “I know I’m just a ________, but I had this idea, and I don’t know much about it, but I wondered what you thought. How does ___________ sound to you?” Another possibility is saying something like “I know I should have followed the chain of command, but I figured you were the only one who wouldn’t laugh at me if I was wrong.”
In conclusion, this is a fine book with much to offer to not just people with an interest in violence but people everywhere.
I consider this one of the most important books, I’ve read in a long time, and I read a lot. It was that good.
The book discusses communication, human behavior and thought patterns, and how to best communicate to achieve results and reduce and prevent conflict.
Conflict, in this context, is defined as not just physical violence, but any sort of friction or interpersonal problem that can develop between two or more people. Much time is spent on the way differing communication styles can cause conflict, and how to avoid such problems and reduce their effects when conflict arises.
Rory Miller is a martial artist and self-defense expert, with a bachelor’s degree in psychology and sixteen years experience as a corrections officer. His materials are quite impressive for their insight into human behavior, violence related behaviors, and ways to respond to them. Of course, the best way, if possible, to respond to a threat of violence is to avoid it, and sometimes the best tool for avoiding violence or reducing a threat is communication.
This book came about when Marc MacYoung, another notable self defense author with a strong interest in communication, patterns of violence, and violence prevention and reduction, was teaching a de-escalation course and using many materials that came from Miller. Soon the two agreed to work together to create a program on communication and violence de-escalation. The result is this book.
The authors work on the premise that the human brain has three parts, and they each function differently resulting in a different style of reaction to perceived threats and different styles of behavior.
They describe these as “the human brain,” “the monkey brain,” and “the lizard brain.” Although I question if the science is as cut and dried as the book sometimes seems to imply it is, the concepts are quite useful (the author’s primary focus is application)
The human brain is the rational part that responds to communications and threats in a logical way without strong emotion.
The monkey brain is the part that responds to social pressures and works to keep the individual part of a group. This is said to be because primates survive best as part of a group. Although this part does respond to communication attempts it often responds in a very emotional way, distorting facts and priorities in order to follow a social agenda.
The lizard brain is the part that responds at a reflexive, physical level without conscious thought. When this part takes over communication is difficult to impossible.
Just a few random excerpts and communication strategies chosen almost at random to give a feel for the book.
On page 49, the author talks of the way the word “you” is often used in confrontational situations and advises avoiding it when possible. For instance, he suggests replacing “what are you doing?” with “what’s going on?”
The author speaks of the importance of recognizing scripts and not getting sucked into pre-programmed, unconscious patterns of behavior. In fact this is undoubtedly one of the often repeated lessons of the work. Part of the key to doing this is to remain conscious of one’s behavior, monitoring responses, and not taking things too personally.
Another lesson from the book is the way people and scripts often employ “hooks.” The author describes a hook as “an excuse to act out or a rationalization that will allow them to excuse their reactions later.” For instance, while it is not acceptable for a large man to beat a smaller person, in some situations if they can claim even a flimsy justification –i.e. “she didn’t know her place” or “he was trying to act smarter than me”—it can in some circles, or at least to the person doing the beating, appear justified. Again the author emphasizes the importance of recognizing scripts and not getting sucked in and playing them.
One of the most valuable lessons from the book are the parts where the author discusses how to achieve or improve the chances of achieving one’s goals within an organization (or other hierarchical social structure). Part of this, he states, is to strive for the receiver of the message to focus on content rather than the possibility that the speaker is threatening the hierarchy or power structure. He offers a few phrases that show the speaker “knows his (or her) place” and thus is not threatening the group when making suggestions. For instance, he says that if one begins with something like “I know I’m just a ________, but I had this idea, and I don’t know much about it, but I wondered what you thought. How does ___________ sound to you?” Another possibility is saying something like “I know I should have followed the chain of command, but I figured you were the only one who wouldn’t laugh at me if I was wrong.”
In conclusion, this is a fine book with much to offer to not just people with an interest in violence but people everywhere.
November 22, 2018
Absolutely required reading for all humans. A worthy element in the Miller canon.
June 7, 2020
Same bullshit. Last book i will read from this author.
June 14, 2022
Read for a school paper. Interesting, a bit outdated. Something to think about for sure.
September 14, 2023
After reading Difficult Conversations, this book seemed relatively insubstantial, although the perspective and anecdotes were quite interesting.
April 18, 2025
Forced to read for a class. Easy to read, he was super repetitive though and some of his points were really stupid
July 31, 2025
A rare 5 star self help book.
December 23, 2016
Statutory Warning: This review is Long !! Begin with 15 mins in hand. LOL.
The Task of writing review of an in-depth subject matter book like ConComm is daunting. Even for people interested or are associated with areas of mental health science or Personal protection. One of the main reasons why works as such are so valuable, that they are built mostly on Experience and little of Academia.Of course they draw from Academia and relevant references, e.g. healthcare and Psychological standards and models etc., however they ensure that what they preach are faced on the Field. Hence case studies, alongside with the Theory building. The Author is a decorated veteran as a corrections authority,in the Maximum Security Facilities domain in US and have also educated, contributed worldwide as an SME in the same field. Unlike the theoreticians, he puts his experience in context, first, wherever possible.
The book is organized in the following structure:
Background
Fundamentals
Tactics, tools and Techniques
Appendixes: Brief overview of topics of relevance e.g. Threat Assessment, Violence etc.
IMHO the most important sections being the Fundamentals and the Appendix.
The Book's journey starts in the Background where the various human needs along with their progression are discussed, followed quickly by the various segments (functional not Physiological/ Anatomical) of Human Brain, responsible for responding in various ways in various situations, conflict being one of such.
Then the fundamental of the Conflicts are discussed, covering diverse aspects starting from conscious to subconscious modes of response, how such responses can 'pre-programmed', which Brain segment is good in processing what type of such programs (and apt at failing what types), when and how do we have a choice (if at all) to produce a better response (often under stress) and what should we be aware to pull off the same. It exemplifies strategies of the Predators (quite fascinating and result oriented) as well the survivors. And it covers an amazingly wide area of scenarios, ranging from regular street-violence to corporate board manipulations. This shows the commonalities and differences, but mostly commonalities of conflict principles at various Social and A-Social levels. All along it gives new food for thought that makes the readers sit up and truly think out-of-the-box.
The Tactics section is as expected, full with various Tactics that either helps De-escalation or facilitates Survival, and at any rate are valuable for conflict situations. These are Verbal, Behavioral and also Strategy oriented.
The final sections, the not to be missed appendixes have wealth of info for several subject matters discussed. As well as cross-references to other related works by the Author and friends, and more tips to be aware and prepared.
Novelty/ USP-s as well as some scope of Improvements in Future Editions:
If I have to pick one single point that makes this publication unique is simplicity of presentation for Subject Matter. For an as complex subject in which Brain functionality is referenced as frequently, Mr. Miller successfully keeps the deep ends of theory (Anatomy, Physiology, Neurology, Psychology, Psychiatry, Biochemistry, Negotiation etc.) at Bay. Simple phrases similar to 'disturbed Brain Chemistry' is discussed over Neurotransmitter names and build-up paths etc.
So that everyone can understand, and appreciate. One complain I have though is the minuscule no of reference materials mentioned. I can't stop bringing in the example of a work by Mr. Oliver Sacks, a 350 page book but with around 300 publication references in the end. Am sure Mr. Miller will enlighten us with some more in the next Edition.
Now, a big Improvement suggestion: kindly restructure the build up of the book. The book sometimes seems quite confusing and straying from it's main discussion path.
The wonderful examples feels like out of place at times. A humble suggestion would be club topic-lets together and organize the flow in a more 'coursework' manner, in true sense. As I know this book is part of a course. By no means I want to see this be transformed to a Textbook, and lose all it's Novelty that we are so inspired at. Still, a better organization/ progression can be introduced.
Finally, a Fantastic work that will hold it's place through time and generations. Must Read !!
The Task of writing review of an in-depth subject matter book like ConComm is daunting. Even for people interested or are associated with areas of mental health science or Personal protection. One of the main reasons why works as such are so valuable, that they are built mostly on Experience and little of Academia.Of course they draw from Academia and relevant references, e.g. healthcare and Psychological standards and models etc., however they ensure that what they preach are faced on the Field. Hence case studies, alongside with the Theory building. The Author is a decorated veteran as a corrections authority,in the Maximum Security Facilities domain in US and have also educated, contributed worldwide as an SME in the same field. Unlike the theoreticians, he puts his experience in context, first, wherever possible.
The book is organized in the following structure:
Background
Fundamentals
Tactics, tools and Techniques
Appendixes: Brief overview of topics of relevance e.g. Threat Assessment, Violence etc.
IMHO the most important sections being the Fundamentals and the Appendix.
The Book's journey starts in the Background where the various human needs along with their progression are discussed, followed quickly by the various segments (functional not Physiological/ Anatomical) of Human Brain, responsible for responding in various ways in various situations, conflict being one of such.
Then the fundamental of the Conflicts are discussed, covering diverse aspects starting from conscious to subconscious modes of response, how such responses can 'pre-programmed', which Brain segment is good in processing what type of such programs (and apt at failing what types), when and how do we have a choice (if at all) to produce a better response (often under stress) and what should we be aware to pull off the same. It exemplifies strategies of the Predators (quite fascinating and result oriented) as well the survivors. And it covers an amazingly wide area of scenarios, ranging from regular street-violence to corporate board manipulations. This shows the commonalities and differences, but mostly commonalities of conflict principles at various Social and A-Social levels. All along it gives new food for thought that makes the readers sit up and truly think out-of-the-box.
The Tactics section is as expected, full with various Tactics that either helps De-escalation or facilitates Survival, and at any rate are valuable for conflict situations. These are Verbal, Behavioral and also Strategy oriented.
The final sections, the not to be missed appendixes have wealth of info for several subject matters discussed. As well as cross-references to other related works by the Author and friends, and more tips to be aware and prepared.
Novelty/ USP-s as well as some scope of Improvements in Future Editions:
If I have to pick one single point that makes this publication unique is simplicity of presentation for Subject Matter. For an as complex subject in which Brain functionality is referenced as frequently, Mr. Miller successfully keeps the deep ends of theory (Anatomy, Physiology, Neurology, Psychology, Psychiatry, Biochemistry, Negotiation etc.) at Bay. Simple phrases similar to 'disturbed Brain Chemistry' is discussed over Neurotransmitter names and build-up paths etc.
So that everyone can understand, and appreciate. One complain I have though is the minuscule no of reference materials mentioned. I can't stop bringing in the example of a work by Mr. Oliver Sacks, a 350 page book but with around 300 publication references in the end. Am sure Mr. Miller will enlighten us with some more in the next Edition.
Now, a big Improvement suggestion: kindly restructure the build up of the book. The book sometimes seems quite confusing and straying from it's main discussion path.
The wonderful examples feels like out of place at times. A humble suggestion would be club topic-lets together and organize the flow in a more 'coursework' manner, in true sense. As I know this book is part of a course. By no means I want to see this be transformed to a Textbook, and lose all it's Novelty that we are so inspired at. Still, a better organization/ progression can be introduced.
Finally, a Fantastic work that will hold it's place through time and generations. Must Read !!
Displaying 1 - 30 of 41 reviews