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Feeding the Mouth That Bites You: Parenting Teenagers into Adulthood
Parenting Teenagers Is Hard. How Do You Know If You’re Doing It Right?Many parents struggle in raising their teens because they fail to transition from seeing them as children to seeing them as adults-in-training. Progressively giving teens more control over their lives reduces stress and prepares your teen for maturity as an adult.In Feeding the Mouth that BitesYou, Dr. Ken Wilgus outlines a clear path to help parent teens in today’s world. Engaging, accessible, and based on Dr. Wilgus’ thirty-five years of clinical family work, teaching on parenting—and successfully raising three teens of his own—you’ll find this guide immensely practical. Learn what your teen needs and why they act the way they do so that you can reduce your frustrations and thoughtfully guide them. You’ll also discover how them to grow in responsibility and prepare them to launch into the real worldreduce conflict and maintain good communicationsset clear, reasonable limits without provoking fightsmanage tough issues like school, alcohol use, dating, etc., and more!Packed with stories, examples, and charts, Feeding the Mouth that Bites You is an indispensable resource that will give you confidence to raise kids who are ready for adult living.
368 pages, Paperback
Published November 5, 2024
204 people are currently reading
1131 people want to read
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 47 reviews
January 9, 2025
I read this in 48 hours as we are navigating some sudden/unexpected teen issues, and needed advice and a plan moving forward. This book is a MUST read for parents!!! Hands-down one of the best parenting books I’ve ever read. I only wish I’d read it when my oldest was 12 or 13, instead of waiting until 15. My husband is reading it now, and we are excited to make some changes for our current and up-and-coming teens.
October 22, 2025
Tidbits:
It's the road that leads from childhood to independent adulthood. Your teenager is on this path whether you like it or not.
"What is normal teenage behavior?"
When I started studying adolescent psychology, one of the first things I learned was that our current understanding of adolescents is about 120 years old. The word teenager only started being used around 1941.
For most of human history before the Industrial Era, young people worked side by side with adults as soon as they were able. Dr. Robert Epstein
When your baby can have babies, she's not your baby anymore.
our teenagers are best understood as adults-in-training.
Motherhood is an early retirement position.
Your children do grow up.
COLLEEN PARRO
While these parents were busy setting up their homes as havens for their beautiful children, no one reminded them of the goal of child-rearing: to produce adults who are contributing members of the community.
"Everything goes fine in our house until we say no," frustrated parents often tell me. With teenagers who don't know how to articulate what they need, parents are left to guess their needs from their behaviors, and most of the time, they seem to want only to be left alone and do what they want (probably something bad or dangerous, in their parents' minds). And yet many times, saying yes to some requests doesn't seem to help either.
When choosing areas of autonomy to relinquish, ask yourself, Can I give this over to my teenager without the likelihood of devastating consequences? If the answer is yes, give it to her. Remember, the goal is to let go, not fearfully hold on to all the control you have.
Teenagers need to begin experiencing the real risks that their behavior can and will cause.
Giving freedom in an area of your teenager's life does not mean you will no longer influence that area.
Since your ability to control music choices is weak, turn the tables and make sure you get full credit by formally acknowledging that you will respect their judgment in this area. Doing this does not decrease your influence over their music choice. It increases your influence through communication and eliminates control battles you cannot win.
Communication Is More Important Than Control
Only through good communication can you hope to remain relevant and have any influence in your children's lives as they pass into adulthood.
You can place as many or as few limits as you'd like on your teenager, but it's all for naught if your communication avenues
aren't open and clear.
What you may think is a friendly discussion may feel like an overwhelming challenge to your teen.
Because communicating with you is a choice they control, adolescents will assert that independence quite often.
Communication is always by invitation.
These invitations must be respectful and regular. Allow your teenager to decline your invitation without consequence or irritation from you.
Note: If your teenager has said no a dozen times before, don't make a big deal out of finally receiving a yes. Though such a yes is important to you, he still needs to feel as if this is just a casual, no-consequences, just-talking outing— which it is! Don't make it weird for him and lose your opportunity to connect.
To understand nonjudgmental conversation, think of a conversation you might have with an adult friend or a family member who is younger than you but still an adult. In conversing with your teen, you would use similar approaches, such as asking interested questions about your teen's views or interests on the topic at hand or reiterating what you just heard to make sure you're understanding him correctly.
Disciplining adolescents requires that parents recognize and allow their teenagers freedom of choice, while also being creative in holding them accountable for their choices.
AParent Cannot Make an Adolescent Do Anything; You Are a Judge, Not a Police Officer | If you think about it, shifting your goal from obedience to responsibility should change how you see your role. As a parent of teenagers, you need to think and act, not like a police officer, but more like a judge.
Your job is not to make your teenager do or not do something, but to creatively hold him accountable for his choices.
Lack of Parental Unity Undercuts Effective Limit Setting
It is better that your teenager thinks both of you are crazy for not allowing something, rather than think neither of you knows what you're talking about.
Today's expectations become tomorrow's freedoms.
The best consequences for everyday expectations are those that last only about twenty-four hours.
One thing I hope is obvious by now is that you're not looking for the one big thing you can take when your teens mess up. Why? Because you can only do that once, and I hate to tell you, but they're going to mess up more than once, and you'll need multiple ideas on what to pull from them so that a consequence is truly a consequence. It's essential that you have at least a small list of things so you'll have more flexibility in your discipline options.
Your goal is to make the road toward that behavior very bumpy so he will decide for himself to move over to the smooth side of the road.
Research shows that carrying screened devices has significant effects on our general attention to the world and people around us.
To focus on your life, you must have your phone turned off and in a different room.
Smartphones are designed by smart people to draw us in and keep us focused on them.
For every action, there's an equal and opposite reaction plus a social media overreaction.
ANONYMOUS
To let go of our ideal image is to open our eyes to our children as God sees them. It means seeing them as they are. To do this, we must trust that God has created these children with exactly the strengths and weaknesses that will ultimately fulfill His purposes in their lives.
Sacrificing our ideals means trusting that God knows them better than we do. More importantly, when we begin to see our children as they are, we begin to learn what Abraham learned. Like Abraham, we realize that what God will return to us are children with lives of better purpose and deeper meaning than we could ever have planned or accomplished.
Sacrificing to God means giving up nothing!
AUDIO BOOK
It's the road that leads from childhood to independent adulthood. Your teenager is on this path whether you like it or not.
"What is normal teenage behavior?"
When I started studying adolescent psychology, one of the first things I learned was that our current understanding of adolescents is about 120 years old. The word teenager only started being used around 1941.
For most of human history before the Industrial Era, young people worked side by side with adults as soon as they were able. Dr. Robert Epstein
When your baby can have babies, she's not your baby anymore.
our teenagers are best understood as adults-in-training.
Motherhood is an early retirement position.
Your children do grow up.
COLLEEN PARRO
While these parents were busy setting up their homes as havens for their beautiful children, no one reminded them of the goal of child-rearing: to produce adults who are contributing members of the community.
"Everything goes fine in our house until we say no," frustrated parents often tell me. With teenagers who don't know how to articulate what they need, parents are left to guess their needs from their behaviors, and most of the time, they seem to want only to be left alone and do what they want (probably something bad or dangerous, in their parents' minds). And yet many times, saying yes to some requests doesn't seem to help either.
When choosing areas of autonomy to relinquish, ask yourself, Can I give this over to my teenager without the likelihood of devastating consequences? If the answer is yes, give it to her. Remember, the goal is to let go, not fearfully hold on to all the control you have.
Teenagers need to begin experiencing the real risks that their behavior can and will cause.
Giving freedom in an area of your teenager's life does not mean you will no longer influence that area.
Since your ability to control music choices is weak, turn the tables and make sure you get full credit by formally acknowledging that you will respect their judgment in this area. Doing this does not decrease your influence over their music choice. It increases your influence through communication and eliminates control battles you cannot win.
Communication Is More Important Than Control
Only through good communication can you hope to remain relevant and have any influence in your children's lives as they pass into adulthood.
You can place as many or as few limits as you'd like on your teenager, but it's all for naught if your communication avenues
aren't open and clear.
What you may think is a friendly discussion may feel like an overwhelming challenge to your teen.
Because communicating with you is a choice they control, adolescents will assert that independence quite often.
Communication is always by invitation.
These invitations must be respectful and regular. Allow your teenager to decline your invitation without consequence or irritation from you.
Note: If your teenager has said no a dozen times before, don't make a big deal out of finally receiving a yes. Though such a yes is important to you, he still needs to feel as if this is just a casual, no-consequences, just-talking outing— which it is! Don't make it weird for him and lose your opportunity to connect.
To understand nonjudgmental conversation, think of a conversation you might have with an adult friend or a family member who is younger than you but still an adult. In conversing with your teen, you would use similar approaches, such as asking interested questions about your teen's views or interests on the topic at hand or reiterating what you just heard to make sure you're understanding him correctly.
Disciplining adolescents requires that parents recognize and allow their teenagers freedom of choice, while also being creative in holding them accountable for their choices.
AParent Cannot Make an Adolescent Do Anything; You Are a Judge, Not a Police Officer | If you think about it, shifting your goal from obedience to responsibility should change how you see your role. As a parent of teenagers, you need to think and act, not like a police officer, but more like a judge.
Your job is not to make your teenager do or not do something, but to creatively hold him accountable for his choices.
Lack of Parental Unity Undercuts Effective Limit Setting
It is better that your teenager thinks both of you are crazy for not allowing something, rather than think neither of you knows what you're talking about.
Today's expectations become tomorrow's freedoms.
The best consequences for everyday expectations are those that last only about twenty-four hours.
One thing I hope is obvious by now is that you're not looking for the one big thing you can take when your teens mess up. Why? Because you can only do that once, and I hate to tell you, but they're going to mess up more than once, and you'll need multiple ideas on what to pull from them so that a consequence is truly a consequence. It's essential that you have at least a small list of things so you'll have more flexibility in your discipline options.
Your goal is to make the road toward that behavior very bumpy so he will decide for himself to move over to the smooth side of the road.
Research shows that carrying screened devices has significant effects on our general attention to the world and people around us.
To focus on your life, you must have your phone turned off and in a different room.
Smartphones are designed by smart people to draw us in and keep us focused on them.
For every action, there's an equal and opposite reaction plus a social media overreaction.
ANONYMOUS
To let go of our ideal image is to open our eyes to our children as God sees them. It means seeing them as they are. To do this, we must trust that God has created these children with exactly the strengths and weaknesses that will ultimately fulfill His purposes in their lives.
Sacrificing our ideals means trusting that God knows them better than we do. More importantly, when we begin to see our children as they are, we begin to learn what Abraham learned. Like Abraham, we realize that what God will return to us are children with lives of better purpose and deeper meaning than we could ever have planned or accomplished.
Sacrificing to God means giving up nothing!
AUDIO BOOK
February 19, 2025
this is probably the best parenting book I've read. Especially for tweens!!!! I'm so thankful a friend recommended it to me, I will now recommend it to all my friends who have kids coming close to the teen years. so practical, insightful, helpful -- all about raising teens to adulthood through a process they call "planned emancipation". It is written from a Christian point of view, but is written for any parent. My daughter turns 13 on Monday, and I can't wait to give her her "freedoms" list and start this process.
January 27, 2025
This book deserves all the stars! What an amazing and helpful resource for any teenage parent.
I am currently entering the teenage stage as a mom and wow 🤯pray for me friends😆.
If you are a parent of teens or young adults you must read this book.
He gives many great advice for parents to safely and effectively transition their teens from being children to being young adults ready to take on the world.
Great book! You MUST read 🙌
I am currently entering the teenage stage as a mom and wow 🤯pray for me friends😆.
If you are a parent of teens or young adults you must read this book.
He gives many great advice for parents to safely and effectively transition their teens from being children to being young adults ready to take on the world.
Great book! You MUST read 🙌
April 2, 2025
I don't read a ton of self help or how-to books, but this is one of the best books about parenting I've read. It's Christian-based, brain science-backed, and full of practical advice and application.
One of the things you worry most with about raising teenagers is preparing them to become real adults one day; in fact, they're just little adults in training. So this book teaches the theory of "planned emancipation", the idea that giving your teen small categories of their lives to have control over (think Riley's "Islands of Self" from Inside Out) can teach them responsibility, confidence, and maturity. The book provides so many situations and anecdotal options for how planned emancipation can work, ways parents can talk to their teens, and troubleshooting tips. It includes categories for school, music, room, social media, church, managing addiction, neuridivergency, and conflict
I've tried implementing some of the language from the book in the last few weeks, and whether it's the book or my own kid, I can't say, but I really like the approach and the idea of giving her more and more freedoms while still under our safe umbrella at home. If you have a teenager or will have one soon, this is a great resource to keep close.
One of the things you worry most with about raising teenagers is preparing them to become real adults one day; in fact, they're just little adults in training. So this book teaches the theory of "planned emancipation", the idea that giving your teen small categories of their lives to have control over (think Riley's "Islands of Self" from Inside Out) can teach them responsibility, confidence, and maturity. The book provides so many situations and anecdotal options for how planned emancipation can work, ways parents can talk to their teens, and troubleshooting tips. It includes categories for school, music, room, social media, church, managing addiction, neuridivergency, and conflict
I've tried implementing some of the language from the book in the last few weeks, and whether it's the book or my own kid, I can't say, but I really like the approach and the idea of giving her more and more freedoms while still under our safe umbrella at home. If you have a teenager or will have one soon, this is a great resource to keep close.
May 9, 2025
This is at the top of my list of helpful parenting books, alongside How to Talk so Kids will Listen and Listen so Kids will Talk. It has a strong Christian slant which ironically was the source of my only issues with the book (I actually consider myself to be a pretty conservative Christian). I won't dive deep into what it was I disagreed with here, but I imagine some of that was inserted at the behest of the publisher, which I'm very familiar with, living in Colorado Springs. Still one of the best and most useful guides to putting yourself out of a job as a parent and raising competent adults. I was super fascinated to read about the history of our view of adolescence and loved the unexpected angle that they are adults already and needed to be respected and given accountability accordingly. That really resonated with me.
June 14, 2025
I had this on my list for a long time but I think the title partially deterred me from prioritizing it--the title implies a much more antagonistic relationship with teens than is our family's reality. But I'm glad I finally picked it up! It was FAR more helpful than the other mini-book I read recently on launching teens into adulthood. Tons of specific, practical guidance that challenged and encouraged me.
It was definitely repetitive and I skipped a few chapters on issues that don't affect our family. But on the whole, I enjoyed it and will continue talking/thinking about/applying the ideas.
It was definitely repetitive and I skipped a few chapters on issues that don't affect our family. But on the whole, I enjoyed it and will continue talking/thinking about/applying the ideas.
June 9, 2025
DNF
Most of the book doesn't apply in our situation. I skimmed through the last 20 or so chapters. I think his point of planned emancipation is excellent. Most of the rest was too nitty gritty Western to apply in an Eastern context.
Most of the book doesn't apply in our situation. I skimmed through the last 20 or so chapters. I think his point of planned emancipation is excellent. Most of the rest was too nitty gritty Western to apply in an Eastern context.
March 31, 2025
Really great ideas and process for planned emancipation of your kids. Gave me some concrete ideas for the teen years to help them thrive and grow in responsibility while reducing parental nagging.
October 22, 2025
Must read for parents of preteens and teens!
September 5, 2025
Please don’t let the Focus on the Family endorsement deter you; this is a great book. Skip the parts that don’t pertain to your family and you’ll still come away with a new perspective. Planned emancipation gives a purposeful framework to the efforts of parenting tweens and teens. Very helpful.
September 10, 2025
This book helped me change my way of viewing my teenagers and my role in parenting them. I highly recommend it.
January 9, 2025
Tries to cover lots of topics but results in only surface level advice. Also book should state it has a religious approach to some sensitive topics
February 1, 2025
I appreciate the practical help that is here. It’s not just ideas, but specific lists to give you solid ideas for parenting your teenager.
September 9, 2025
This book was recommended to me. I would not have read it if I knew that it was Christian based and anti-lgbtq.
November 21, 2024
This is one of the top 3 parenting books that I have read in my 18 years of being a parent. I first was introduced to Kenneth Wilgus and his book Feeding the Mouth that Bites You about 9-10 years ago when he spoke at my kids' school. At the time, I was not quite at the stage where I needed to implement his concept of "Planned Emancipation", but I knew that it was coming soon. I have listened to the audio of the first edition several times and also enjoy his podcast by the same name. So, when the second edition came out, I knew I needed to listen again for the updates. As you can imagine, there are a few things regarding parenting teens that have changed in the past decade, mainly pertaining to technology/phones, social media, and gender issues.
Dr. Wilgus has such a forward-thinking and wise approach to parenting teens and preparing them for the time when they will leave home. He has about 10 areas of "planned emancipation" where you give your child a freedom and with it comes expectations and consequences. As someone who has now launched one child into college and is close to launching the second, I know I have not followed his method as perfectly as I could have but I do see the benefits of this philosophy.
Dr. Wilgus has such a forward-thinking and wise approach to parenting teens and preparing them for the time when they will leave home. He has about 10 areas of "planned emancipation" where you give your child a freedom and with it comes expectations and consequences. As someone who has now launched one child into college and is close to launching the second, I know I have not followed his method as perfectly as I could have but I do see the benefits of this philosophy.
February 6, 2025
In this book, Kenneth Wilgus guides parents through the process of Planned Emancipation, the preparation of teens to leave the care of their parents and set out into adulthood.
I heard Dr. Wilgus on the Focus on the Family podcast and liked a lot of what he had to say, so my husband and I decided to get the book and start planning for our firstborn's entry into the teen years. While there are places that it's easy to veer from Wilgus's ideas, I think overall this is a helpful book. The premise is that because our culture has moved away from any rites of passage that communicate increasing freedoms and responsibilities to teens, we have generations that simply don't know how to use the time from childhood to adulthood to prepare teens for life on their own. Simply put, Wilgus is encouraging parents to cede more control to their teenagers, opening up opportunities for influence and communication, but ultimately looking ahead to the teen leaving home and being independent. I may come back to this once we actually start putting his process in place, but overall I see the importance of giving my teen more freedoms, and in the process giving my teen space to fall while still at home and learning.
I heard Dr. Wilgus on the Focus on the Family podcast and liked a lot of what he had to say, so my husband and I decided to get the book and start planning for our firstborn's entry into the teen years. While there are places that it's easy to veer from Wilgus's ideas, I think overall this is a helpful book. The premise is that because our culture has moved away from any rites of passage that communicate increasing freedoms and responsibilities to teens, we have generations that simply don't know how to use the time from childhood to adulthood to prepare teens for life on their own. Simply put, Wilgus is encouraging parents to cede more control to their teenagers, opening up opportunities for influence and communication, but ultimately looking ahead to the teen leaving home and being independent. I may come back to this once we actually start putting his process in place, but overall I see the importance of giving my teen more freedoms, and in the process giving my teen space to fall while still at home and learning.
May 24, 2025
10/10 highly highly recommend. Every parent of teenagers (or future ones) should read this. It’s so logical, so practical, so level-headed. The psychologist who wrote it is a Christian so several of his viewpoints are from a biblical perspective, but it’s not a “Christian” parenting book. He covers “planned emancipation” in detail, including freedoms, boundaries, attitudes, communication, identity, money, discipline, adoption, foster parenting, anxiety, grand parenting, and even at the beginning a brief cultural explanation of where we got the word “teenager” from and how it’s affected the last few generations. All in the framework of “how do we raise our kids to become adults and help them to know when they are officially adults with all the freedoms associated with it.” I listened to it on audio because I struggle reading non-fiction and staying awake- so a narrator is like a person telling me all they know while I do chores. But I’ve ordered (2!) now in paperback so I can write things down for myself and loan one out to friends. I cannot recommend this book enough.
February 15, 2025
Planned Emancipation is best part
Excellent in explaining Planned Emancipation and consistently kept the thread throughout the book. However, it started very slow, taking four chapters before any “meat” was given.
For being affiliated with Focus on the Family, I was very disappointed that there was almost no scripture used nor biblical principles applied to recommendations. It wasn’t until Chapter 28 that Faith was discussed! There is a big difference between a Counselor who is a Christian and Christian Counseling. This book is the former not the later.
Parents that were raised in dysfunctional families may find many of his suggestions very helpful and encouraging. He proposes solid modeling.
Excellent in explaining Planned Emancipation and consistently kept the thread throughout the book. However, it started very slow, taking four chapters before any “meat” was given.
For being affiliated with Focus on the Family, I was very disappointed that there was almost no scripture used nor biblical principles applied to recommendations. It wasn’t until Chapter 28 that Faith was discussed! There is a big difference between a Counselor who is a Christian and Christian Counseling. This book is the former not the later.
Parents that were raised in dysfunctional families may find many of his suggestions very helpful and encouraging. He proposes solid modeling.
January 25, 2025
Rounded up from 4.5 because the title was just so clever! Great, practical parenting advice centered around the concept of "planned emancipation"--that is, gradually relinquishing freedoms and autonomy to teens as they mature and continue to earn trust. The book spans from teens as young as 13 on I to adulthood (and even briefly touches on being grandparents to teens). I wish I had read this when our kids were younger, but still found wisdom for where we are right now in our parenting journey.
March 11, 2025
Hands down the best parenting book for teenagers. You know how people always say they wish there was a manual on how to raise kids? Turns out there is! I wish I had found it sooner, as we would’ve avoided a lot of pointless speeches on my part, arguments with my teenagers, etc. Following this book has restored peace to our home. I especially appreciate how he has chapters for unique situations, such as having kids with ADHD. Just a really well thought out book all around, and I appreciated the Christian perspectives he shared as well.
September 10, 2025
very practical help for parenting teens and I loved his angle/end goal.of raising emancipated independent adults. but sometimes I felt he was out of touch (he was raising his teens 20 years ago) despite him writing in 2024. he had experience from his practice but his tone/voice just felt old and disconnected a bit. could have been his culture (Texas) which is obviously different than us in urban French Canada...
December 1, 2024
Hands down the best parenting book I have EVER read. Written for tweens/teens as a guide to help them become independent, it's my primary parenting resource. This new edition answers more questions and provides more guidance around things like social media, phones, technology, etc. This book will likely live within arms reach until all of my kids are out of the house!
April 20, 2025
For parents of preteens, teens, or kids about to be teens... or anyone in ministry or schools who work with them... I cannot recommend this book highly enough! I wish I had found it before my kids hit the teenage years. implementing now when my youngest is 16 and already seeing how helpful, freeing, and clarifying it is to both of us.
June 3, 2025
I really didn't like the message of this book - Be a judge, not a cop. You can't prevent your teens from bad decisions, just hand out punishments. A lot of well you can't control who they date, if they drink, what music they listen to, etc... so you might as well delegate that responsibility to them. Some helpful info, but in the main, not for me.
October 29, 2025
I got so much good stuff out of this book. I’ve been recommending it to parents of teenagers left and right. So practical and helpful in raising independent teenagers, and in learning to give up control in order to gain more influence. This is one I’ll return to often! I also love how it dealt with current issues.
June 3, 2025
Not often do I read a parenting book and think, "I need to own this to refer back on" but this was the one. My own copy is on the way and I will be rereading several sections as my kids enter different stages. Amazing ideas and information. Must read!
June 24, 2025
Thanks to Sharon for the recommendation. Really good food for thought as your kids enter their teens. I listened to the audiobook-- the author did a great job reading. I can see myself coming back to reference it in the years to come.
July 13, 2025
I have followed this podcast over the past year and love the author’s perspective on raising teens to be independent and capable adults. I appreciate the Christian perspective and the many concrete steps outlined in the book. A great read for anyone with pre-teens or teens
October 8, 2025
Good food for thought, so to speak, on parenting teenagers. I'm encouraged and challenged to help prepare my children for adulthood.
Wilfus suggests giving your teen "freedoms" with specified expectations and consequences.
Wilfus suggests giving your teen "freedoms" with specified expectations and consequences.
Displaying 1 - 30 of 47 reviews