Guidebook to Murdering My Last Nerve is more like it.
Oy vey, this was not good. I mean, just to begin with the title, which has zero relation to the plot except that 1) there's a murder; and 2) the MC owns a bookstore/coffee shop. Usually cozy mystery titles are a little more relevant than just Hey Look Here's a Death and There Were Books Somewhere Nearby or something. But I could have shrugged that off if the story was any good, which, as noted, it was very ungood. The plot made no sense and was also pretty boring and also went off the damn rails. Jill and Greg (and oh, I will get to him) think this is something to do with a devious developer who wanted Emily's land so badly he was gonna literally murder her. Look, I know developers can be shady, but come on. They're so desperate to build a big development in this itty bitty nothing of a town that they're going to ice an old woman for it? How much money could they possibly have expected to reap from this project? So it was dumb and nonsensical, and also nothing fucking happened most of the time, except SO MUCH INAPPROPRIATENESS on the part of Greg, our supposed detective. Just sitting around and eating and painting and talking in husky voices. And then the whole stupid "OMG ur house was the site of a former Mission and there's gold in them thar hills" thing, oh lordy. This felt like something a teenager would come up with. And even then, you're gonna commit multiple murders for, what, a couple hundred grand? Bitch, please. I laughed my ass off when they found the gold coins, and it was not meant to be funny.
Besides, instead of investigating Emily's murder or Amy's disappearance, Greg should have been investigating his own VERY BADLY BEHAVING ASS. Jill starts out as a suspect, and then is a witness, and then a potential victim, and this fucking detective is all up in her business all day and night, spending hours with her alone in her home, taking her to dinner, taking her shopping, giving her countless hugs and stroking her hair and back, touching her face, pretending like he's gonna kiss her...I was like I GUESS SOUTH COVE IS TOO SMALL FOR AN INTERNAL AFFAIRS DEPARTMENT because what the greasy fuck. And Jill, our dick-hungry MC, spends the whole book thinking the dude is married and doesn't actually ask him until like three or four pages from the end. (He's divorced, and no wonder.) She's constantly having this inner monologue of Please kiss me, hot and rugged hunky man, but oh no, you're married and that makes me bad, but you wore a dress shirt and I almost came in my pants, whatever is a girl to do. Grow up, babe, either be a ho and go for it or use your words and ask if he's married and tell him to eff off if he is.
And jeeeeeeeez there is a lot of offensive shit in here. First off, since this is a cozy written by an older white lady, OF COURSE we have constant fatphobia and Jill is forever lusting after milkshakes and fries but she can't eat THAT STUFF because then she'd get FAT and that is the worst thing anyone can be. The developer dude is described as a "Middle Eastern man" which like...what does that mean? We don't actually get much description, and like, Lynn, babe, the Middle East is pretty diverse, if you aren't a racist who thinks they all look the same. And he's sleazy and threatening because of course he is because, you know MIDDLE EASTERN. Good Lord. Then for some more racism, near the end of the book Jill says that all she knows about Mexico is that there are drug wars "and the fact that shooting Americans was the new bloodsport". WHAT. This was published in 2014, not the 70s or something, so you cannot say "oh you know everyone was racist back then" or whatever bullshit people use to excuse grossness like this.
Also, South Cove is a fictional town on the Central Coast of California, probably somewhere between Monterey and San Luis Obispo, and I don't think the author has ever been there. I lived in Santa Cruz for a few years and before that had spent a lot of time in the SLO area, and not only did the town in this book have zero character whatsoever, which is not true of most Central Coast towns, but it's supposedly a big tourist trap and yet there is one single diner. LOLOLOLOLOL.
Ugh, this was total crap. Thankfully it was free on KU, but it still feels like I paid too much. IN BRAIN CELLS.