The Wisdom to Know the Difference

by Eileen Flanagan

The Wisdom to Know the Difference explores the art of dealing with life's challenges, from its flat tires and scraped knees to its terrible storms and major disasters, by getting to know your true self, and training your mind to balance acceptance with courage.

Genres: Nonfiction, Spirituality, Self Help, Religion, Personal Growth, Psychology, Health

272 pages, Hardcover

First published January 1, 2009

About the author

Eileen Flanagan is a Quaker writer, speaker, and activist. Her new book, Renewable: One Woman’s Search for Simplicity, Faithfulness, and Hope, tells the story of her midlife realization that she was not living up to her potential or her youthful ideals, and the engaging journey that led her to handcuff herself to the White House fence. Her previous book, The Wisdom to Know the Difference, was endorsed by the Dalai Lama, and her articles have a appeared in a wide range of national publications. A graduate of Duke and Yale, Eileen leads the board of Earth Quaker Action Team, which uses nonviolent direct action to work for a just and sustainable economy.

Reviews

[Juma · Rating 4 out of 5]

4.5 stars
I never know if I am spoiling a book like this, but to be on the safe side, I’ll make my review into a “spoiler”.

I think The Wisdom to Know the Difference can be summarized by the Serenity Prayer, “God, give us grace To accept with serenity the things that cannot be changed Courage to change the things that should be changed And wisdom to distinguish the one from the other”.

The book accentuates that in order for us to grow in wisdom and know (be) who you are, first you need to be true to yourself. “To accept with serenity the things that cannot be changed”, we need to be conscious to the things we are not in control to change, for example other people. Eileen Flanagan emphasizes that whilst we cannot change others we can change ourselves. She questions our actions and our thoughts when we get the urge to change someone else as Jesus put it “Why do you see the speck that is in your brother’s (sister’s, not going to leave the other gender left behind, am I right LADIES) eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye”. Consequently, Eileen emphasizes that acceptance of oneself is the first step to “The Wisdom to Know the Difference”. This notion as Eileen highlighted is demonstrated by the modified version of the serenity prayer
“God, grant me serenity to accept the people I cannot change, Courage to change the one I can change, And the Wisdom to know it’s me”.

Furthermore, Eileen stresses that often people lack the courage or can’t find the “courage to change the things that should be changed” like ourselves or a problem that we truly believe we should do something about. In this book, the people who were interviewed went through some sort of hardship before realizing their “calling”. They also found courage to know what should be changed after patience, most of whom found such courage and became true to themselves in the later years of their lives. I guess it is time and patience that feeds our wisdom and that enables us to grow spiritually and realize who we are.

Eileen highlights that the world’s problems doesn’t only fall upon you to solve. So it is pointless to stress over the statement “that I haven’t made much of a difference in the world” on your deathbed. The difference is made in the wider community, the greater “movement” makes the difference, we should only play our part in that movement and make sure that the outcome of the movement is what the wider community so needs or necessitates.

Moreover, Eileen illustrated that having faith is a strong factor when living a serene life. The stories in this book illustrated that having faith in your “inner guidance” or your gut feeling sometimes and GOD (or a higher power) can lead to a better life as most of the people Eileen interviewed for this book recognized. This notion as Eileen demonstrated is often associated with “letting go” of things first before taking that vital first step towards the right direction. Some of the hardships a few of the people interviewed went through was tragic and saddening, I doubt that I would be able to “let go” of such hardships. (To be honest, I need to learn to let somethings go as well)

She further highlights that we need to question our mortality because those who don’t live with fear of it. Consequently, they don’t get much out of their lives as those who acknowledge the presence of death. “The deepest reason why we are afraid of death is (that) we do not know who we are”. “Don’t assume when you see the morning that you will live to see the evening”.

Eileen notes that you are not the only one with the “your” believes. There are probably a community or a group of people who have the same believes as you and it might be worthwhile to meet them. She acknowledges that you could make a greater difference if you were part of a community because “who I (we) am (are) is shaped by my (our) relationship to other human beings”. This is something I need to work on.

Listening, I learnt from this book is an important factor in growing in wisdom and being able to tell the difference. Eileen Flanagan made me realise how bad of a listener I really am, I tested her theory whilst conversing with one my friends and found that while my friend spoke, I had “a thousand thoughts” going through my head and what my next response was going to be. Eileen stressed that we can get more and “be more” out of a conversation if we “truly listen” instead of having an advice ready for the “counter attack”, most often people just want to be heard and understood. (So from now on I’ll be trying to “truly listen” to people, EVEN TO MARYAM, I can’t promise anything though :) .

Overall, the book taught me a lot, I generally don’t like to read “self-help” books but I’ll definitely be reading more of them hopefully.

UNI is killing me so it’ll be a long time before I make any progress on any book. WHAT A TRAGEDY:(!! But I will try to get 30 books by the end of April. Only 6 more books left :(.

[Patricia · Rating 5 out of 5]

I have a confession to make…….

I have had the book “The Wisdom to Know the Difference”, by Eileen Flanagan, for approximately three months, (maybe a little longer), and I have been reading it for approximately two months, (maybe a little longer). For someone who is generally a quick reader, this has seemed like a long time. Or has it?

A few weeks ago I emailed the author, explaining that the reason the book took me so long to read, was actually her fault!! (Nervy, right?). Well, I did not phrase it exactly that way – ‘her fault’. What I actually said was: “If the book was not so well written, I would have been finished reading it a long time ago!!” And what I actually meant was, had I not been so drawn into the book, its topic, and its effect on my life, I would have been finished reading it much sooner.

Yes, that’s my confession…. This book so impacted me on a personal level, I had to take it in slowly, digest it, and incorporate it into my life.

As a prayer, ‘The Serenity Prayer’, has not been a favourite of mine. My husband, on the other hand, has always had a deep connection with this prayer. As a result, he has tried to help me understand why this prayer is powerful. I always kind of fluffed him away. “Yah, yah, serenity, courage, wisdom – whatever…..”. I had my own favourite prayers.

At the end of May 2011, I read a post by Eileen Flanagan, looking for book reviewers. While writing book reviews was a new idea for me, reading books certainly was not! I replied to Eileen and a couple of weeks later the book arrived in my mail. The act itself was spur of the moment, and I spent the next few weeks furtively looking at this book, about this prayer that was not one of my favourites!! I must have been crazy to volunteer for this task! Toward the end of June 2011, I ventured into Eileen’s world, and began to learn a little more about this prayer, and how it has impacted a number of lives, (and not just my husband’s!).

Eileen does not simply go out into the world, ask people if they know the prayer, then ask their opinion of it. Rather, Eileen’s choice of people to write about, are clearly a small sampling of a much larger group interviewed for this book. We learn about these individuals, their life stories, and how the emotions of The Serenity Prayer have played out in their lives. One of Eileen’s literary devices is that throughout the book, some of these main characters reappear. It is not just a matter of them being introduced and described to us, but, at key intervals throughout the text, Eileen brings them back by reminding us of their stories, and how their stories continue to evolve – with The Serenity Prayer continuing to play an important role. In some cases, the individuals themselves are not necessarily aware they are living out the prayer. And that is one of my favourite portions of the book. People, who live according to their own values and characteristics, yet can be an example to me, the reader, of the impact of this powerful prayer. (Notice I now say “powerful prayer”….don’t mention that to my husband….!)
Eileen Flanagan has a knack of writing that I find particularly appealing – repetition. Now, don’t get me wrong, I do not mean simply stating the same thing over and over. What I mean is gently, without boredom, Eileen imprints key points for the reader. Making her points stronger over time, but in each telling and sharing, being done in new and informative ways. One of my favourite Christian writers – Ronald Rolheiser – has this same story-telling knack. Gentle – soft – peaceful. Bringing the reader to an “Ah-Ha” moment with skill and dexterity, without being the least bit repetitive or tedious. It is a tremendous way to learn new concepts and thought processes.
Through the reference to other Christian authorities, Eileen brings additional credibility to her own research, and a familiarity to her writings. And not only do we learn more about key characters, as we move forward in Eileen’s book, the author brings forward earlier concepts. Once again, bringing us to a deeper understanding of what Eileen’s focus is on.

The Serenity Prayer holds some big words: serenity, courage, wisdom. Eileen starts by narrowing down these words, to smaller, everyday expressions, phrases, and examples; and concludes the book by bringing them all together in the amazing words of the prayer itself. (Notice I now say “amazing words of the prayer”……do you think I need to share this with my husband?!)

My journey with this prayer, with this book, “The Wisdom to Know the Difference”, has been a very personal one, and this is not the place for review of my prayer journey. But, this is the place for a review of this book. And my opinion to you is that your own prayer journey will not be complete without spending some time with The Serenity Prayer, and definitely some significant time with Eileen Flanagan’s book: “The Wisdom to Know the Difference – When to Make a Change – and When to Let Go”.

P.S. I have since confessed all to my husband, and now, this book is on his reading list!

[Elizabeth Black · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book reads like a stream of consciousness to me as it seems to jump from one thought to the another, but there were some good nuggets of wisdom in there.

[Geof · Rating 4 out of 5]

"The Wisdom to Know the Difference" is a 259-page investigation of the Serenity Prayer:

"God, give us grace
To accept with serenity the things that cannot be changed,
Courage to change the things that should be changed,
And wisdom to distinguish the one from the other."

"God, give us grace"

This is a spiritual book that cites many different faiths in attempting to discern one's proper path. As Flanagan writes, "If you're swimming upstream, maybe the problem isn't the stream. Maybe you're heading in the wrong direction."

"To accept with serenity the things that cannot be changed"

Flanagan cites a number of people dealing with difficult circumstances: Sally Jergensen's husband walked out on her and her two-year-old son. Ro'bin White Morton was forced to flee Hurricane Katrina. Dan Gottlieb was in a car accident that left him a quadriplegic. His wife left him a few years after the accident. Timothy Olsen felt called to the clergy, but an Episcopal bishop told me he couldn't be ordained because of his sexuality. They and others in the book were forced to deal with "the things that cannot be changed."

"Courage to change the things that should be changed,"

Flanagan profiles Father Michael Doyle, a Catholic priest fighting poverty on the front lines in Camden, NJ. She chronicles Dan Gottlieb's career, attempting to heal the world one patient or one listener at a time. Flanagan also cites environmental activists, and those active in their church communities.

"And wisdom to distinguish the one from the other."

This is arguably the most challenging part of the prayer, especially in light of freedom. On the question of political activism, arguably one can always do more. Regarding life's crossroads, one can frequently make a change. Only God knows the ends of our choices and what their alternatives would yield.

My book is full of notes. Flanagan did a very thorough job! I enjoyed the book because it's very Philadelphia-centric, e.g. citing Quaker retreat Pendle Hill, Dan Gottlieb, and Father Michael Doyle. A thorough examination of a subject that surpasses human understanding.

[Michelle Young · Rating 1 out of 5]

When I bought this book, I didn’t realize the author is a Quaker activist. I researched the religion, and while some aspects are in agreement with Christian beliefs and traditions, (such as peace, love, kindness) I do firmly disagree with there being a god within ourselves as the light. I believe in the one true God as the father of Jesus Christ, the Holy Trinity: God the Father, God the Son, and God the Holy Spirit. Also, while I do not like war or violence, I believe it is necessary to have justice, and military protecting our country, as well as other countries who are in need of help against unjust adversaries. Lastly, I disagree with quiet worship being the only type of worship. I believe the Bible as the true living Word of God commands us to gather to worship Him, praise him, learn His teachings, pray for needs of others and ourselves, communion, and fellowship in the Lord. It is for these reasons and a few others, that I didn’t care for this book. It goes against most of what I believe. Having faith in ourselves isn’t enough. Having faith in God is what I believe should be what is taught.

[Terry · Rating 4 out of 5]

I purchased this book some time ago at the recommendation of a friend. I realized immediately that this book was going to require a certain mindset to read it. This is not a quick read nor a page turner thriller. It is a thoughtful, inspiring interpretation of The Serenity Prayer. It offers detailed reflections on each part of the prayer with compelling stories from a variety of people who have survived tragic life events, made difficult life altering decisions and/or grown in their relationships with God and others based on their responses to accepting what can’t be changed, changing what can be changed and knowing the difference. The included prayers, meditation exercises and reflective questions were also moving, helpful and thought provoking. It was well worth the time taken to read, digest, reflect and put into practice the messages of this book.

[Maureen Sailer · Rating 5 out of 5]

This was an inspirational book. I think each reader will take their own wisdom from it. I have recommended it to friends who have appreciated the insight shared and gained by having read it.

[Judy · Rating 3 out of 5]

I found this book to be helpful. The author explains that while we should not passively accept everything, we should also realize that there are limits to our control. Her Quaker sense of calm, I think, shines through the book to show that it's usually a spiritual decision (and inner enlightenment can make clearer the way), about when to try to change things. Then serendipity has a chance to bring forth better options. Which doesn't really help me, unfortunately, with the problem over which I most agonize. I still don't know what to do, though I've mostly accepted that it is a situation I probably cannot change without making things worse. So there is my decision and I still feel awful.

My favorite highlights in the book:

page 6: "While some suspect that the Serenity Prayer has ancient roots, most credit Reinhold Niebuhr...delivered a sermon during World War II that included a prayer different from the later, more popular version in subtle but important ways:

God, give us grace
To accept with serenity the things that cannot be changed,
Courage to change the things that should be changed,
And wisdom to distinguish the one from the other.

Page 164: As an Internet version of the Serenity Prayer puts it:

God, grant me serenity to accept the people I cannot change,
Courage to change the one I can change,
And the wisdom to know it's me.

Note from me: But how much can I really change about myself? My temperament? And how much should I change about myself?

Page 169: Realizing that you can't control other people is often a difficult lesson, as Yvonne Thompson notes: "You can't control them. You can't make them love you. There's a whole lot of can'ts." Now nearly eighty, she adds... "That took me forever to learn...I was very unhappy with my mother...It wasn't until years after she died that I learned that if you want oranges, you don't go where they grow apples. What I wanted, my mother did not have...

Often it is the people closest to you who are the hardest to accept. Maybe you want love and feel disappointed and hurt when it doesn't come in the form you wish. Maybe you are afraid that your loved one's behavior will inconvenience or reflect poorly on you. Maybe you simply want power in the relationship and convince yourself that you are acting in the other's best interest. Or maybe you really do want what is best for them and are convinced that you know what that is. In any case, conflicts with parents, children, and spouses are often the most challenging and painful.

Sometimes it takes hindsight to realize that you do not necessarily know what is best for those you love.

Page 171: Trusting God has certainly been important to Matthew Cole as he has watched his fourteen-year-old son begin to use drugs...Matthew has also been helped by "The Three Cs" cited in Al-Anon... "'I didn't cause it; I can't control it; and I can't cure it.' I'm powerless over my son and his choices," explains Matthew..."All I can do is love him and let him know that, and let him know what my boundaries are. I'm not powerless over how I respond and how I relate." Staying centered and sober himself is one of the best things Matthew can do for his son, though even this is no guarantee.

[Jean Grant · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is a pleasant read, deeply informed by a Quaker world view and endorsed by the Dalai Lama. What I liked best were the stories of ordinary people confronting difficult situations in their lives and figuring out "when to make a change and when to let go." An unusual feature is the section called "QUERIES" at the end of every chapter, searching questions in the Quaker manner to help the reader think about each issue more deeply and personally.
I took a weekend mini-course from Eileen at Pendle HIll, the Quaker retreat and study center outside Philadelphia, which she had attended for several sessions as a student, so I knew several of her ideas before starting my reading, but I found her points as well-taken and eloquent in the writing as in her teaching.

[Gloria · Rating 4 out of 5]

Based on the famous "Serenity Prayer," this is an exploration of discernment. Using half a dozen vignettes that reveal difficult decisions people have had to make, Flanagan works through the barriers and rewards of changing one's path in life. She dips into various religious belief systems, but is ultimately a Quaker speaker and this is especially evident in the way she ends each chapter with queries, a practice common to Quakers. Ultimately this is about examining where you are and then where you would like to be, and knowing when it is time to move in a new direction. Gentle in tone and encouraging.

[Rena Jane · Rating 5 out of 5]

This was a good read. Affirming, and confirming things I already knew, but an inspirational push to trust that little voice that tells you "do it!" or sometimes "don't do it!!"

It will be a book I read again in awhile. Too much to absorb and process in a single reading. Especially since it hit home on a few things I do need to deal with!!

[Shelie · Rating 4 out of 5]

This was an excellent book. Based on the Serenity Prayer and personal spiritual discernment. We often think it is clear that we must "accept the things we cannot change" but there are many personal, gender, racial and family differences that play into our perception of whether or not things can be changed. This books helps sort through those.

[Tom Rapsas · Rating 5 out of 5]

Well-written, easy-to-read inspirational piece from a Philly-based writer. The full title gives you a better feel for what's inside: "The Wisdom to Know the Difference: When to Make a Change-and When to Let Go" and offers great advice on the steps to take to make change a reality in your life.

[Jessica Blevins · Rating 5 out of 5]

Awesome book I will read again and again. This book is all about how to know when to hold on and when to let go, how to happy with whatever stage of life you are in, and how to believe in your own intuition.

[Hope McCormick · Rating 5 out of 5]

I plan to buy this, and a new highlighter to go with it. I loved it, and it really spoke to exactly where I find myself in life right now. Well written, diverse sources.

[Lawrence · Rating 4 out of 5]

Went to a weekend retreat with this author at Woolman Hill, Quaker conference center in Deerfield. Rejuvenating!

[Jennifer · Rating 4 out of 5]

I benefitted greatly from reading this book. I enjoyed the author's weaving of her own story throughout the book. Flanagan treats the subject of weathering change with grace and eloquence.

[Donya · Rating 5 out of 5]

I thought this was a very pleasant read. It is a soothing and knowledgable book. It even gave me a greater appreciation for the Quaker education I received when I was in grade school.

[Cyn · Rating 3 out of 5]

"Down to earth with strong spiritual underpinnings. This book draws from actual situations of real-life people as they struggle to become their true selves.”

[Mariana · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is a good book on how to listen to yourself and make changes.

[Ruthanne · Rating 3 out of 5]

If you love the (G)reat (O)ut (D)oors... lovely book!

[Georgette Beck · Rating 5 out of 5]

Loved this book! This is one I have pages folded over so I can reread certain parts that really hit me.

[Mary Gabel · Rating 5 out of 5]

What a lovely meditation on life. Beautifully written.

[Sally]

Took from Dad's April '17