God Head

by Scott Zwiren

In?"God Head," Scott Zwiren boldly and courageously records the terrifying, destructive experience of manic depression. From a promising young college student to mental hospitals to a confined, out-of-control, roller-coaster life on New York City's Upper West Side, Zwiren's narrator traces from the inside the horrors of an existence that swings between numbing depression and exalting highs.

Genres: Fiction, Novels, Psychology, Mental Illness

134 pages, Paperback

First published November 1, 1996

Reviews

[karen · Rating 4 out of 5]

scheiße

so this all takes place in the head of a manic depressive character. and it is pretty intense.

the book is broken up into seasons: winter 1984, summer 1985, etc. and there is a lot of missing time. it is not terribly difficult to fill in the gaps because the character is stuck in a loop of home, hospital, menial jobs, reaching out to contact people from his unafflicted past, suicidal thoughts, medication, delusions. there is no relief from any of it. the book begins in the summer 1991, and then backtracks to winter 1982, where all the problems seem to begin, and then continues chronologically, ultimately ending at summer 1990, where you loop back riverrun joyce-style. so you do get a sense of progression, as he sinks deeper into his madness and medication and temporary relief.

he has his moments of clarity:

Having the presence of mind to know "I think I'm God" instead of "I am God," and especially to say "I'm manic" makes my admission debatable. The hospital is overcrowded and it may mean I'm coherent enough to go home. I always become perilously coherent in a small room before inquiring psychiatrists. Sitting in front of them I become my own worst advocate and they're ready to release me.

I don't know where I should be.

but a lot of the time it is more like this:

But when I'm done and I've eaten and was not hungry the thoughts come back. I can't go to sleep. I can't concentrate on television, a book or music, there's no diversion possible. I count the hours until Monday morning. If it's Monday it is four hours until i have to wake for work, If it's Sunday, oh God let it please not be Sunday. I move to another chair in the dining room just to do something. Nothing's different here. I sit for a while blocking and then I move into the living room. Blocking. Blocking. I have to piss, and that's something to do like eating and drinking and I go to the bathroom and piss while looking at the sink, and there is my razor. It all comes up like vomit in my head. This is intolerable and if this is intolerable then why go on with it? I finish pissing and feel the gates shut tight in my head. I climb into bed and snuggle with the blanket pretending that I can't move to protect myself from going back into the bathroom, I feel the pins in my hands but I push through them fighting my way back to sleep. Sleep. Sleep. Sleep. I beg my way back. When I wake it's lighter outside and so I go into the bathroom to get ready for work not looking at the razor. A shower is too difficult and so I put some water and soap under my arms, put on a clean shirt, and go back to bed thinking I don't want to go to work. I don't want to go to work, but let it be Monday.

sorry that was such a long passage - i know most of you probably just skimmed that, if you are reading this at all. but that part makes me feel frantic to read. because yes - that is definitely intolerable. even having to read a hundred-odd pages of it had me climbing the walls and checking myself for symptoms. i would not be able to live like that. no way no how.

not actually knowing anyone with manic depression, this book taught me that whatever impressions i had of the disorder were incomplete. i thought it was more like an energy imbalance where "oh here i am and everything is awesome and i have been up for three days straight and i wrote this symphony and baked six cakes and painted this giant mural on my wall, but ohhh now everything is awful and i am going to stay in bed for six days." and that's bad enough, right, without the angelic delusions and hallucinations and suicidal allure.

it's pretty powerful stuff.

the second chapter, where everything is lurking, and all of the symptoms are there but have not yet become full-blown, is terrifying when you read it again after reading the whole book. the pull in both directions: the antisocial behavior coupled with the need to be around people, and the not knowing how to be around people, the loss of coherence, the dissolving of the "real" world; it is all done really well.

also done really well is the suicide-urge. he does not want to kill himself, but he has these compulsions towards it. he both wants to and needs to and doesn't want to. as much as he does not want to die, he keeps finding himself on the rooftop, on the edge of the subway platform, putting the cord around his neck. .. and these dueling impulses, while you are in his head... it is claustrophobic and jarring and it really kicked my ass.

way to shatter me, small book!

come to my blog!

[Paul Bryant · Rating 3 out of 5]

An electrifying memoir/novel about what is now called bi-polar disorder but in the 1980s was called manic depression. The first half of this excruciating account of the author’s own tribulations gave me a brilliant picture of a man in the grip of the manic upswing of this disorder. He thinks he’s God, maybe Christ, and there are all these codes and secret messages embedded into the banalities of everyday life – colours, shapes, what is in a junk shop window, the first word a person says to him – all these things take on enormous meaning. He has to immediately see an old friend NOW even though it’s two in the morning because now he knows that guy will have a very important message to give to him – so off he goes. That kind of thing. Totally exhausting.

The second half of the book is a bit of a rinse repeat experience, except for the failed suicide attempt. The way he failed was that he lost an arm and a leg by jumping in front of a train.

Companion books

(from ones I've read, there will be jazillions of others)

Henry’s Demons by Patrick Cockburn – the book that give me a similarly gripping account of schizophrenia.

Girl, Interrupted by Susanna Kaysen – an interesting but flawed memoir

The Room by Hubert Selby Jr – a disastrous unreadable novel about insanity by the author of the brilliant Last Exit to Brooklyn

And let’s not forget the grand-daddy of all “trapped in the head of a madman” novels :

Notes from Underground by Fyodor Dostoyevsky

[MJ Nicholls · Rating 4 out of 5]

God Head is an autobiographical novel on living with severe manic depression, spanning the end of the unnamed protagonist’s adolescence and early twenties. Narrated in a stark, whirlwind style that captures the lurches from messianic self-aggrandisement to paralysing suicidal depression, the novel simply narrates an experience, presenting the starkest horrors of the condition in flatly moving prose, needing no dramatization or literary baubles. Zwiren wrote the novel in Bellevue, following a devastating suicide attempt that lost him his right arm and left leg, and self-published eleven further novels and illustrated books from 1996 onwards. Although utterly consumed by his illness, Zwiren was active as a painter, and an exhibit of his works is being planned by his childhood friend. Zwiren passed away from Covid while institutionalised at Isabella Centre residential home in May 2020. This novel is a classic in the canon of literature on mental illness, and a powerful example of art as a way to help live with debilitating conditions.

[Maddie · Rating 4 out of 5]

Great, but disturbing! I’m bipolar, just like the narrator. This book made me even more thankful that I’ve found the correct medication to keep me balanced. It took a decade of trying different meds, but it was SO worth it 😭

[michal k-c · Rating 4 out of 5]

a handbook on how to live as a body without organs. It's crazy to think that Zwiren survived multiple suicide attempts and violent mental illness all his life just to unceremoniously die of COVID in an old folks home. This book is so good that I'm willing to overlook the occasional (and there are only about two) edgy nihilistic outbursts. Lots of great lessons in here, like that there's no need for calendars in the desert of the real. RIP Zwiren

[Levi · Rating 4 out of 5]

A character study as much as a character's-'condition' study where the condition constantly compels the character to find meaning in—and make (non)sense of—his surroundings. Few people know how tyrannical freedom really is.

[Steven · Rating 4 out of 5]

[Full disclosure: Scott is a longtime friend, and I first read this book when it was originally published.]

Although not exactly the sort of thing I normally read, I found Scott's fictionalized account of his battles with bipolar disorder absolutely fascinating, and gave me insights to him and his work that I'd never considered before. At times funny and sad, it's highly recommended for those interested in taking a journey down a different sort of rabbit hole.

[JimZ · Rating 5 out of 5]

I remember reading this in one sitting. It was so so good...so scary. I was/am surprised this was a work of fiction and not a memoir.

[Stephen Rowland · Rating 5 out of 5]

I have major depression so I never have manic phases; those described in this novel seemed closer to schizophrenia than anything else, but I guess the delusions of grandeur get out of control. Zwiren writes about the depressive episodes with the knowledge of a true sufferer and it is often devastating, at least if you're unlucky enough to experience similar things. Novels about mental illness and suicide, especially contemporary novels, are often trite and naive, but "God Head" is certainly neither. Really impressive.

[Angie · Rating 4 out of 5]

Thorazine thunder pills funny. I was reading this and mosquitoes kept biting maybe the mosquitoes really liked this book. “I hate myself in my head but everywhere else I feel nothing.” I hope to find a flamingo if I just keep going right. Loop? The lines.

[Jeff Sorensen · Rating 4 out of 5]

The review fellow Goodreads member Karen gave this is beyond great...and I can't improve on it. One of the most facinating things about this short but intense book, I probably shouldn't reveal, but will: the first chapter is an account of where he currently is, where he has wound up, and in essence, the end of the novel. When you read it, you'll see why I think that is important. Also, it pretty much is the author's life for real which is terrifying.

[(jessica) · Rating 4 out of 5]

Damn, this is one of those books that would be a great lesson in crafting a written psychology if only the students weren't so "trigger-warning" sensitive these days (ask me about my old man rant). Zwiren supposedly wrote this in the midst of his own breakdown, and it's a devastating piece of work. Strong, wholly believable, weirdly easy to fall into reading.

[Lindsey Eisma · Rating 4 out of 5]

Wow! This book is tough to read. Although it is considered fiction, this is an autobiographical account and should be read as such. The honesty the author shows through his journey with bipolar disorder is brave beyond words. This is a short read, but it can be difficult at times. Highly recommend for those who appreciate reading about and acknowledging the struggles of others.

[Sam · Rating 5 out of 5]

Very interesting look into the mind of a manic depressive person. I would definitely pick this up again some time. It was kind of hard to read because of the rambling dialog of the protagonist, but it is worth it to get through. It is a pretty small book, and a fairly quick read.

[Tom · Rating 5 out of 5]

Well-written, painful, and horrifying first-person account of manic-depression. Zwiren creates a compelling voice that pulls you up the peaks and down the valleys with an immediacy that allows you to feel the elations and paralyzations of this illness.

[Ella Igwe · Rating 3 out of 5]

Just not for me. You do get the effect of sitting inside the mind of someone very ill, but unfortunately the story wasn’t interesting. A lot of rambling that was tedious to read more than anything else. Rinse and repeat, rinse and repeat

[Brooke · Rating 5 out of 5]

Loved it. I looked for this book for three years before I finally got it...worth the wait.

[Jeremy Kitchen · Rating 4 out of 5]

Into the mind of a manic depression...a crazy place.

[R.K. Cowles · Rating 4 out of 5]

3 3/4 stars

[Samantha Penrose · Rating 2 out of 5]

I found this really difficult to read.
Being privy to the stream of consciousness of a manic mind served only to set my teeth on edge.
This is a work of fiction, and there is no introduction from the author giving explanation for his account of manic depressive illness. Personal experience? Research? Pure speculation? I have not studied any psychology whatsoever, so I'm not sure what to make of it. It's definitely extreme.
The best part of the book was pages 87 - 91. They discuss the suicidal tendencies, the suicide attempt, and the immediate aftermath.
I did not enjoy reading this, nor do I feel like I learned much. I wouldn't discourage anyone from reading this, it just wasn't my cup of tea.

[Kylee · Rating 4 out of 5]

This was an interesting read. Although I felt it could be a bit scattered at times, that only leads to a better understanding of the issues the main character is experiencing. Having a dear friend who deals with depression frequently, it was interesting for me to see how the brain and thinking of someone suffering with the illness sees things. It is a very quick read, but I would recommend.

[Nicole C. · Rating 2 out of 5]

First-person account of a person with bipolar disorder. It's kind of scary to be inside his head, but he's a pretty extreme bipolar person, replete with hallucinations.

[Tuck · Rating 3 out of 5]

well written, very well written, and his poor girlfriend is a librarian, but very depressing. hah, what did i expect about madness through depression.

[Cory · Rating 2 out of 5]

The entire book feels like a badly written sequel to "Catcher in the Rye" flat characters, stagnant plot but wasn't so terrible... I can not justify more than two stars..