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Cái Giá Của Đặc Quyền
Cái giá của đặc quyền là cuốn sách cần thiết cho các bậc phụ huynh đang hoang mang với những vấn đề ở đứa con tuổi teen của mình. Họ không hiểu vì sao những đứa trẻ dường như “có đủ thứ” mà vẫn khó chịu, ủ dột, thiếu động lực, thậm chí là “hư hỏng”; họ không biết mình đã sai ở đâu và cần bước tiếp như thế nào, không xác định được đâu là những biểu hiện “bình thường” ở một đứa trẻ tuổi teen và đâu là những dấu hiệu cho thấy con cần được can thiệp, hỗ trợ...
Trong cuốn sách này, Tiến sĩ Madeline Levine, một nhà tâm lí học lâm sàng nổi tiếng, đã cảnh báo về một đại dịch sức khỏe tâm thần đang hủy hoại những đứa trẻ vị thành niên xuất thân từ các gia đình giàu có ở Mĩ, chủ yếu là do cách nuôi dạy đầy áp lực và can thiệp quá mức khiến sự phát triển ý thức về cái tôi ở trẻ bị cản trở. Nhiều nghiên cứu gần đây đã chỉ ra rằng, dù có vẻ ngoài tự tin, sáng sủa, có thành tích nổi trội và kĩ năng xã hội xuất sắc, đám trẻ xuất thân từ các gia đình giàu có ở Mĩ đang có tỉ lệ mắc trầm cảm, lạm dụng chất gây nghiện và rối loạn lo âu cao hơn thanh thiếu niên ở bất kì nhóm kinh tế xã hội nào khác. Chủ nghĩa vật chất, áp lực thành tích, chủ nghĩa hoàn hảo và sự thiếu kết nối đang hợp sức lại tạo thành một cơn bão khủng khiếp tàn phá những đứa trẻ nhiều đặc quyền.
Cuốn sách viết về hiện trạng nhức nhối ở Mĩ nhưng hẳn sẽ khiến không ít độc giả Việt Nam giật mình nhận ra rằng cha mẹ Việt cũng đang phải đối mặt với những vấn đề tương tự, thậm chí còn ở mức độ phổ biến hơn nhiều. Đó là do trong nền văn hóa mà chúng ta đang sống, đa số các bậc cha mẹ đều tin rằng họ nên và cần phải chịu hi sinh vất vả để con cái có một tương lai tốt đẹp hơn.
Bằng sự đồng cảm và cũng rất thẳng thắn, Madeline Levine đã chỉ ra những ảnh hưởng độc hại từ nền văn hóa giàu có cùng các phong cách làm cha mẹ đầy thiện chí nhưng hết sức sai lầm. Tác giả cũng đưa ra những lời khuyên sâu sắc và thực tế nhằm cung cấp cho phụ huynh các giải pháp hiệu quả để họ có thể giúp con và cũng tự giúp mình vượt qua giai đoạn đầy thử thách của hành trình làm cha mẹ này.
Trong cuốn sách này, Tiến sĩ Madeline Levine, một nhà tâm lí học lâm sàng nổi tiếng, đã cảnh báo về một đại dịch sức khỏe tâm thần đang hủy hoại những đứa trẻ vị thành niên xuất thân từ các gia đình giàu có ở Mĩ, chủ yếu là do cách nuôi dạy đầy áp lực và can thiệp quá mức khiến sự phát triển ý thức về cái tôi ở trẻ bị cản trở. Nhiều nghiên cứu gần đây đã chỉ ra rằng, dù có vẻ ngoài tự tin, sáng sủa, có thành tích nổi trội và kĩ năng xã hội xuất sắc, đám trẻ xuất thân từ các gia đình giàu có ở Mĩ đang có tỉ lệ mắc trầm cảm, lạm dụng chất gây nghiện và rối loạn lo âu cao hơn thanh thiếu niên ở bất kì nhóm kinh tế xã hội nào khác. Chủ nghĩa vật chất, áp lực thành tích, chủ nghĩa hoàn hảo và sự thiếu kết nối đang hợp sức lại tạo thành một cơn bão khủng khiếp tàn phá những đứa trẻ nhiều đặc quyền.
Cuốn sách viết về hiện trạng nhức nhối ở Mĩ nhưng hẳn sẽ khiến không ít độc giả Việt Nam giật mình nhận ra rằng cha mẹ Việt cũng đang phải đối mặt với những vấn đề tương tự, thậm chí còn ở mức độ phổ biến hơn nhiều. Đó là do trong nền văn hóa mà chúng ta đang sống, đa số các bậc cha mẹ đều tin rằng họ nên và cần phải chịu hi sinh vất vả để con cái có một tương lai tốt đẹp hơn.
Bằng sự đồng cảm và cũng rất thẳng thắn, Madeline Levine đã chỉ ra những ảnh hưởng độc hại từ nền văn hóa giàu có cùng các phong cách làm cha mẹ đầy thiện chí nhưng hết sức sai lầm. Tác giả cũng đưa ra những lời khuyên sâu sắc và thực tế nhằm cung cấp cho phụ huynh các giải pháp hiệu quả để họ có thể giúp con và cũng tự giúp mình vượt qua giai đoạn đầy thử thách của hành trình làm cha mẹ này.
412 pages, Paperback
First published July 3, 2006
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5572 people want to read
About the author
Madeline Levine
13 books31 followersMadeline Levine, Ph.D. is a psychologist with close to 40 years of experience as a clinician, consultant, educator and author.
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 385 reviews
September 8, 2009
It took me all summer to read this -- because I could only do it in 15 minute bursts before I was so angry I wanted to throw the book. so I'd close the book and take a break.
ok. the substance--the legitimate worth--of this book is old news. It's fine enough to be reminded that children need care and attention from parents (and the adults in their lives), that putting children in pressure-cookers of achievement and externally-gauged success is a recipe for critically unhappy children who will likely grow up into unhappy adults...and that children and adolescents need opportunities to become independent, to effect change, to master problems, to deal with disappointment and frustration and imperfection, to define their own success and design their own work... and that in the land of the affluent it makes sense to take extra care with these things--since there are tendencies toward the unhealthy/unhelpful parenting-adulting tactics...
BUT Levine's tone is insulting and disrespectful toward her adolescent patients and their families... this overshadows any of the kernels of (redundant) substance. For a therapist, she seems to have a misguided understanding of mental health issues and typical teen development; to conflate depression and anxiety and the associated problems with affluence and poor parenting is foolish. To say wealthy teens suffer more from these problems than impoverished teens, because they're named and treated more often in the wealthy teens is faulty.
She spews anecdotal evidence and jumps to giant conclusions, without pausing to challenge or clarify her own lens and its tint of her perspective. This book embodies sloppy american thinking for me. Total talk-show muck.
I'd rather we engage children and adolescents and their families, with all their disorders and worries and faults, sincerely, meeting them where they're at, sharing our ideas about healthy parenting/adulting, and supporting each other through the worries and mistakes, far away from Levine's soap box.
PS -- funny sidenote: this cover was mortifying to read on the subway -- the second-glances and glares I got! I wanted to say "no really, it's TOUGH! you might not realize how tough it is!!" I took to tucking it in my lap.
ok. the substance--the legitimate worth--of this book is old news. It's fine enough to be reminded that children need care and attention from parents (and the adults in their lives), that putting children in pressure-cookers of achievement and externally-gauged success is a recipe for critically unhappy children who will likely grow up into unhappy adults...and that children and adolescents need opportunities to become independent, to effect change, to master problems, to deal with disappointment and frustration and imperfection, to define their own success and design their own work... and that in the land of the affluent it makes sense to take extra care with these things--since there are tendencies toward the unhealthy/unhelpful parenting-adulting tactics...
BUT Levine's tone is insulting and disrespectful toward her adolescent patients and their families... this overshadows any of the kernels of (redundant) substance. For a therapist, she seems to have a misguided understanding of mental health issues and typical teen development; to conflate depression and anxiety and the associated problems with affluence and poor parenting is foolish. To say wealthy teens suffer more from these problems than impoverished teens, because they're named and treated more often in the wealthy teens is faulty.
She spews anecdotal evidence and jumps to giant conclusions, without pausing to challenge or clarify her own lens and its tint of her perspective. This book embodies sloppy american thinking for me. Total talk-show muck.
I'd rather we engage children and adolescents and their families, with all their disorders and worries and faults, sincerely, meeting them where they're at, sharing our ideas about healthy parenting/adulting, and supporting each other through the worries and mistakes, far away from Levine's soap box.
PS -- funny sidenote: this cover was mortifying to read on the subway -- the second-glances and glares I got! I wanted to say "no really, it's TOUGH! you might not realize how tough it is!!" I took to tucking it in my lap.
July 22, 2011
I figured I should read this since I work with 'affluent' children and I'm certainly glad I did. Depression, anxiety, suicide, self mutilating behaviors, and eating disorders (and to some degree even substance abuse) are far more pervasive among teens in wealthy households. For the most part, these children have had no opportunity to create an authentic sense of self as they are shuttled from activity to activity by parents who put too much value on competition and grades as an indication of success. The author does a fabulous job of going over various parenting techniques that contribute to the mental health problems that she is increasingly treating in her clinic. The book is also filled with eye rolling accounts of the types of stories we've all heard and wish weren't true (parents hiring lawyers for their children because they are benched during a soccer game, parents threatening teachers and reminding them that they have lawyers etc). Certainly not all affluent families are like this, but monied parents need to be aware of the type of child they are creating because more likely than not, these children who are given every material advantage in the world are the ones who are going to be governing our country and running our companies and I think we are already seeing the effects of people who grew up with the world revolving around them, who have no self of respect or empathy, and certainly no tie to or feeling of community.
July 6, 2017
This book was outstanding and extremely convicting. I recommend it for any mother wondering how on earth she could possibly raise altruistic, kind, creative, virtuous, happy, unentitled children in the land of Lululemon and hyper competitive recreational sports leagues. (It seems like it's geared toward mothers). I inhaled every single word of this book, but two things stuck with me in particular:
The passage about the difference between behavioral control ("being an authority, making age appropriate demands, setting limits, and monitoring children's behavior") and psychological control (intruding into the psychological world and attempting to manipulate the child's thoughts and feelings by invoking guilty, shame, and anxiety). "When we hear our own needs being overemphasized, it's a good bet we are sliding into the damaging territory of psychological control." Ouch. Especially all the examples the author gives, which sounded uncomfortably familiar.
"There is no perfect Christmas, child, outfit, family, vacation, home, marriage, or friendship. This is real life, and we would do well to cast the notion of perfection out of our lives and get on with the real business of living with strengths and weaknesses, abilities and deficits, accomplishments and failures. This is how we help our children learn the art of living: by encouraging them to take pleasure from their efforts and successes and to tolerate their limitations. (From the chapter, "The Poison of Perfectionism.")
Okay, these two quotes make the book sound super boring, but it's totally not. There are lots of good stories and examples!
The passage about the difference between behavioral control ("being an authority, making age appropriate demands, setting limits, and monitoring children's behavior") and psychological control (intruding into the psychological world and attempting to manipulate the child's thoughts and feelings by invoking guilty, shame, and anxiety). "When we hear our own needs being overemphasized, it's a good bet we are sliding into the damaging territory of psychological control." Ouch. Especially all the examples the author gives, which sounded uncomfortably familiar.
"There is no perfect Christmas, child, outfit, family, vacation, home, marriage, or friendship. This is real life, and we would do well to cast the notion of perfection out of our lives and get on with the real business of living with strengths and weaknesses, abilities and deficits, accomplishments and failures. This is how we help our children learn the art of living: by encouraging them to take pleasure from their efforts and successes and to tolerate their limitations. (From the chapter, "The Poison of Perfectionism.")
Okay, these two quotes make the book sound super boring, but it's totally not. There are lots of good stories and examples!
February 23, 2015
I'll start my review with the negatives of the book, as they mostly come up front, and one get over them to access the significant amount of useful material that the book does contain.
The first 35 pages (15% of the book) are spent telling us why we should read it, rather unnecessary as if we've ploughed through 35 pages we obviously don't need convincing, and often in over dramatic terms ("adolescent suicide has quadrupled since 1950"), which actually serve to weaken the impact of the message ("my child would never do that"). [One would think a psychologist would be aware that e.g. campaigns against drink-driving that focus on the more every-day consequences (you might use your licence) are more effective than focusing on the severe penalties on drunk-drivers causing deaths].
There is an over-reliance on case studies from the authors own psychologist practice which both contain a bit too much faux authenticity and detail ("his slight Southern drawl is a reminder of his early childhood in South Carolina") and too much self advertisement (the threat of no longer being able to see Dr Levene for their weekly session is apparently enough to crack even the most hardened recidivist), and of course the implicit American assumption that therapy is a widespread practice.
The final part of the book (30%) is also disappointing, as a male reader, since while aimed at parents it is essentially assumes you are a mother - and either a male or female reader might resent the assumption that working "moms" (uggh, another Americanism, this book really needs a translator) have issues whereas Dads don't.
So having written off nearly half the book, the good news is that the remainder actually contains a lot of useful advice.
Levine very much belongs to the anti-perfectionist school (Carol Dweck etc) but provides firstly a more balanced view that some and secondly one focused on the particularly issues of affluent families (although even here at times one wonders if one is affluent enough to read the book - I can't quite identify with "several beautiful homes and the opportunity to engage in extensive philanthropic work" and my children will be sorely disappointed if they read this book and expect Saab Convertibles as 16th birthday presents!).
Enough whinging and time for a (rather random) selection of the useful suggestions that I took away as I read the book.
On perfectionism, she highlights the risk of "maladaptive perfectionism", which she defines as an intense need to avoid failure and appear flawless (with the emphasis on "appear"). Although she can't help adding that "there is a particularly strong relationship between perfectionism and suicide amongst those adolescents who are gifted".
But as I noted she doesn't suggest we shouldn't push our children - this was a very helpful comment: "High expectations are found to promote achievement and competency in children. [But] it is when a parent's love is experienced as conditional on achievement that children are at risk for serious emotional problems".
She emphasis that money doesn't buy happiness - particularly for parents where it can bring its own pressures: "many upper middle class parents are driven to work hard, not primarily for material goods, but to be able to provide their children with superior education opportunities. The umbrella of "education" can become quite broad for affluent families and often includes a host of travel and cultural opportunities unimagined by the less financially well-off".
And she points out how providing our children with private schooling, tutors, material goods etc can impair their development particularly their ability to deal with adolescence which, as a psychologist, is her key focus: "reliance on others substituted for the real psychological work of self-development...the price they pay for our gratification is impairment in their capacity to be independent...it's a short hop from thinking that external "stuff" will alleviate emotional distress to thinking that drugs or sex will do the same thing. Parents need to reinforce with their children the reality that it is not external things that help them to handle difficult feelings; rather it is the development of internal resources....like independence, self-control and the ability to disregard peer pressure."
She points out that "transmitting values is one of the most important parenting jobs we have. Instead of talking about your next purchase, consider sharing with your children your enthusiasm for activities that make you feel productive and engaged...they need to see that their parents value effort, curiosity, and intellectual courage", and similarly suggests patterning to our children our involvement in community activities etc.
A valuable section of the book covers the various stages of self development from infancy through to adolescence (which is her key ultimate focus):
"Parents responses [to a problem] should be directed at helping each child develop the skills that will help them manage the particular challenges of their stage of development" - eg preschoolers - frustration tolerance, primary school - accurately assessing abilities, teenagers - identity and independence
"A sense of lovability is the core of all healthy self-development...A child who consistently gazes into loving eyes, into eyes that notice and take pleasure is his unIqueness, is being helped to developed a healthy sense of self."
"Self efficacy is the believe that we can successfully impact our world" - much more important than self-esteem (which has "a very limited relationship to either accomplishment or deviance"), and is related to agency - "ability to act appropriately in one's own interests"
"Self management includes such skills as self-control, impulse control, frustration tolerance, the capacity to delay gratification, and the ability to pay attention."
And the importance of listening - this paragraph highlighted something I'm aware of as a personal failing: "Too often with our children, we rush in and offer suggestions, propose alternatives or solve problems. Unfortunately when we intervene prematurely, we lose the opportunity to understand a bit more about who our particular child is, and how developed her skills for approaching a challenging situation. We can't really understand our children unless we take a few steps back, follow their lead, and listen to their stories openly and with curiosity."
"The perceived threats of contemporary society - competition for grades, well-known schools, prestigious job offers - should not elicit the same kinds of hyper-vigilant, controlling responses that, say, exposure to polio once elicited....It is the capacity to know when your involvement is moving your child forward and when it is holding her back (preventing her striving towards independence) that distinguishes the appropriately involved parent from the over-involved or intrusive parent."
On discipline she focuses on key elements, and certainly isn't an advocate of permissive parenting which she often sees as a guilt response from too-busy parents:
- monitoring: appropriate but is needed
- firmness and containment: "the child's belief that adults have the capacity to impose firm limits, and prevail if there is a conflict"
- flexibility, "knowing when to skip the showdown" (but if you find yourself being justifiably flexible too often, perhaps the rule needs re-examining)
- behavioural control not psychological control
So overall, a worthwhile read, even if at times frustrating.
The first 35 pages (15% of the book) are spent telling us why we should read it, rather unnecessary as if we've ploughed through 35 pages we obviously don't need convincing, and often in over dramatic terms ("adolescent suicide has quadrupled since 1950"), which actually serve to weaken the impact of the message ("my child would never do that"). [One would think a psychologist would be aware that e.g. campaigns against drink-driving that focus on the more every-day consequences (you might use your licence) are more effective than focusing on the severe penalties on drunk-drivers causing deaths].
There is an over-reliance on case studies from the authors own psychologist practice which both contain a bit too much faux authenticity and detail ("his slight Southern drawl is a reminder of his early childhood in South Carolina") and too much self advertisement (the threat of no longer being able to see Dr Levene for their weekly session is apparently enough to crack even the most hardened recidivist), and of course the implicit American assumption that therapy is a widespread practice.
The final part of the book (30%) is also disappointing, as a male reader, since while aimed at parents it is essentially assumes you are a mother - and either a male or female reader might resent the assumption that working "moms" (uggh, another Americanism, this book really needs a translator) have issues whereas Dads don't.
So having written off nearly half the book, the good news is that the remainder actually contains a lot of useful advice.
Levine very much belongs to the anti-perfectionist school (Carol Dweck etc) but provides firstly a more balanced view that some and secondly one focused on the particularly issues of affluent families (although even here at times one wonders if one is affluent enough to read the book - I can't quite identify with "several beautiful homes and the opportunity to engage in extensive philanthropic work" and my children will be sorely disappointed if they read this book and expect Saab Convertibles as 16th birthday presents!).
Enough whinging and time for a (rather random) selection of the useful suggestions that I took away as I read the book.
On perfectionism, she highlights the risk of "maladaptive perfectionism", which she defines as an intense need to avoid failure and appear flawless (with the emphasis on "appear"). Although she can't help adding that "there is a particularly strong relationship between perfectionism and suicide amongst those adolescents who are gifted".
But as I noted she doesn't suggest we shouldn't push our children - this was a very helpful comment: "High expectations are found to promote achievement and competency in children. [But] it is when a parent's love is experienced as conditional on achievement that children are at risk for serious emotional problems".
She emphasis that money doesn't buy happiness - particularly for parents where it can bring its own pressures: "many upper middle class parents are driven to work hard, not primarily for material goods, but to be able to provide their children with superior education opportunities. The umbrella of "education" can become quite broad for affluent families and often includes a host of travel and cultural opportunities unimagined by the less financially well-off".
And she points out how providing our children with private schooling, tutors, material goods etc can impair their development particularly their ability to deal with adolescence which, as a psychologist, is her key focus: "reliance on others substituted for the real psychological work of self-development...the price they pay for our gratification is impairment in their capacity to be independent...it's a short hop from thinking that external "stuff" will alleviate emotional distress to thinking that drugs or sex will do the same thing. Parents need to reinforce with their children the reality that it is not external things that help them to handle difficult feelings; rather it is the development of internal resources....like independence, self-control and the ability to disregard peer pressure."
She points out that "transmitting values is one of the most important parenting jobs we have. Instead of talking about your next purchase, consider sharing with your children your enthusiasm for activities that make you feel productive and engaged...they need to see that their parents value effort, curiosity, and intellectual courage", and similarly suggests patterning to our children our involvement in community activities etc.
A valuable section of the book covers the various stages of self development from infancy through to adolescence (which is her key ultimate focus):
"Parents responses [to a problem] should be directed at helping each child develop the skills that will help them manage the particular challenges of their stage of development" - eg preschoolers - frustration tolerance, primary school - accurately assessing abilities, teenagers - identity and independence
"A sense of lovability is the core of all healthy self-development...A child who consistently gazes into loving eyes, into eyes that notice and take pleasure is his unIqueness, is being helped to developed a healthy sense of self."
"Self efficacy is the believe that we can successfully impact our world" - much more important than self-esteem (which has "a very limited relationship to either accomplishment or deviance"), and is related to agency - "ability to act appropriately in one's own interests"
"Self management includes such skills as self-control, impulse control, frustration tolerance, the capacity to delay gratification, and the ability to pay attention."
And the importance of listening - this paragraph highlighted something I'm aware of as a personal failing: "Too often with our children, we rush in and offer suggestions, propose alternatives or solve problems. Unfortunately when we intervene prematurely, we lose the opportunity to understand a bit more about who our particular child is, and how developed her skills for approaching a challenging situation. We can't really understand our children unless we take a few steps back, follow their lead, and listen to their stories openly and with curiosity."
"The perceived threats of contemporary society - competition for grades, well-known schools, prestigious job offers - should not elicit the same kinds of hyper-vigilant, controlling responses that, say, exposure to polio once elicited....It is the capacity to know when your involvement is moving your child forward and when it is holding her back (preventing her striving towards independence) that distinguishes the appropriately involved parent from the over-involved or intrusive parent."
On discipline she focuses on key elements, and certainly isn't an advocate of permissive parenting which she often sees as a guilt response from too-busy parents:
- monitoring: appropriate but is needed
- firmness and containment: "the child's belief that adults have the capacity to impose firm limits, and prevail if there is a conflict"
- flexibility, "knowing when to skip the showdown" (but if you find yourself being justifiably flexible too often, perhaps the rule needs re-examining)
- behavioural control not psychological control
So overall, a worthwhile read, even if at times frustrating.
June 18, 2011
Interesting book, with some good points to it. Some devastating statistics if true: elite, wealthy kids have some staggering rates of pathology. But the book has a great point that I've never seen addressed.
Essentially it's this: by allowing teens real choice without parental pressure, we allow them to build an authentic self: an "interior home." When we don't, when we micromanage their lives by putting pressure on them, even for their own good, we don't allow them to develop a self. Instead, they have a false self: great at acting the good kid and achieving, but there is nothing inside of them. Without that self, they fall prey to a lot of abuse.
This manifests in a lot of ways: a lack of creativity is one. Without the interior self, you are focused on pleasing others, and solving things the way they want done. Acting out is another way, because it becomes a safety valve for dealing with pressure, and the lack of a real self formed from independent experience makes everything a crisis: a B on a test is a massive, paralyzing event.
The book is a nice wake-up call over several issues, and an effective rebuke to dragon mom style parenting. No matter how much you control your kids life, without letting them find their own self you are setting them up for dependence, and trauma. She isn't saying be permissive, but that materialism and parental issues can lead for controlling behavior, and material advantage can be a club to beat them with.
Essentially it's this: by allowing teens real choice without parental pressure, we allow them to build an authentic self: an "interior home." When we don't, when we micromanage their lives by putting pressure on them, even for their own good, we don't allow them to develop a self. Instead, they have a false self: great at acting the good kid and achieving, but there is nothing inside of them. Without that self, they fall prey to a lot of abuse.
This manifests in a lot of ways: a lack of creativity is one. Without the interior self, you are focused on pleasing others, and solving things the way they want done. Acting out is another way, because it becomes a safety valve for dealing with pressure, and the lack of a real self formed from independent experience makes everything a crisis: a B on a test is a massive, paralyzing event.
The book is a nice wake-up call over several issues, and an effective rebuke to dragon mom style parenting. No matter how much you control your kids life, without letting them find their own self you are setting them up for dependence, and trauma. She isn't saying be permissive, but that materialism and parental issues can lead for controlling behavior, and material advantage can be a club to beat them with.
July 2, 2023
Upon encountering numerous quotes and references from Michael Sandel's book, "The Tyranny of Merit," during my reading, I was immediately drawn to explore the book myself. It felt like a compelling urge that I couldn't resist, and I am thrilled to report that following my instinct proved to be the right decision.
As a mother of a young adult, I approach parenting books with a twofold purpose. Firstly, they serve as a guide to navigate my own parenting journey. However, equally important to me is their role as a tool for introspection and critical examination of my own upbringing. I delve into these books to identify potential areas where my parents may have made mistakes and to carefully interpret their shortcomings. By doing so, I aim to embark on a path of personal growth and healing, fostering a deeper sense of self-compassion and enhanced self-worth. It is often more fruitful for me to seek wisdom from the pages of expert authors rather than engaging in confrontations with my parents, which tend to amplify negative emotions and yield little resolution. Reading provides me with the necessary space for profound reflection, allowing me to gain invaluable insights and catch a glimpse of the world as my parents once saw it.
I wish my parents had come across this book during their time raising me! I firmly believe that its contents hold significance for individuals from all walks of life, irrespective of their socioeconomic status. It offers a treasure trove of valuable insights and advice, relevant to anyone seeking to ensure they are on the right track in raising their child, especially during the turbulent and challenging adolescent years. Within its pages, one can find abundant wisdom and guidance that can prove invaluable in the journey of nurturing and shaping the next generation.
As a mother of a young adult, I approach parenting books with a twofold purpose. Firstly, they serve as a guide to navigate my own parenting journey. However, equally important to me is their role as a tool for introspection and critical examination of my own upbringing. I delve into these books to identify potential areas where my parents may have made mistakes and to carefully interpret their shortcomings. By doing so, I aim to embark on a path of personal growth and healing, fostering a deeper sense of self-compassion and enhanced self-worth. It is often more fruitful for me to seek wisdom from the pages of expert authors rather than engaging in confrontations with my parents, which tend to amplify negative emotions and yield little resolution. Reading provides me with the necessary space for profound reflection, allowing me to gain invaluable insights and catch a glimpse of the world as my parents once saw it.
I wish my parents had come across this book during their time raising me! I firmly believe that its contents hold significance for individuals from all walks of life, irrespective of their socioeconomic status. It offers a treasure trove of valuable insights and advice, relevant to anyone seeking to ensure they are on the right track in raising their child, especially during the turbulent and challenging adolescent years. Within its pages, one can find abundant wisdom and guidance that can prove invaluable in the journey of nurturing and shaping the next generation.
May 6, 2008
A book every parent (or person who works around children) should read -- affluent or not.
The book mentions how much value we place on what our children do (honor roll, colleges, who can read first, etc) and not on who they are as people. How many affluent, suburban families have lost what is really important. The other point that really got me was the illusion of the perfect suburban mom. How suburban moms feel that they need to be perfect and show the world that they and their children are perfect, and because of this they don't ask for help and won't risk looking vulnerable, which has lots of other ramifacations.
There is much, much more in this book -- read it!
The book mentions how much value we place on what our children do (honor roll, colleges, who can read first, etc) and not on who they are as people. How many affluent, suburban families have lost what is really important. The other point that really got me was the illusion of the perfect suburban mom. How suburban moms feel that they need to be perfect and show the world that they and their children are perfect, and because of this they don't ask for help and won't risk looking vulnerable, which has lots of other ramifacations.
There is much, much more in this book -- read it!
November 9, 2016
Pretty good read about how about people with money (the threshold the author uses are families with $75K in annual income or above) can mess up their kids in different ways than less affluent parents. Families who lack financial worries tend to put more pressure on their kids to excel academically and in regard to extra-curricular activities. They are also more likely to be intrusive, over-indulgent and either authoritarian or permissive in their parenting (for those of you who read parenting books, the best parenting approach is "authoritative" - that fine line between setting limits, having consequences for bad behavior but also being loving, nurturing and supportive of your child). These families may also have parents who are never around, including during adolescence when kids need to know that someone is watching out for them because they care; or because mom has issues of her own, whether it be a bad marriage or a lack of sense of her own self as a person. And yes, it's all about mom - if dad is messed up, that's not good, but kids are more resilient when it comes to dad and his issues. Mom is the heart of a kid's well-being. No pressure of anything.
Levine's advice is to stop coddling your kids and doing everything for them, accept that they may be bad students and end up doing something career-wise that doesn't make money (which she also says that they will have to figure out how to survive financially on their own), get your shit together so that your kids don't have to deal with your issues as a parent, and be present.
The book has some issues, which is why it wasn't a 5 star read for me. For example, she believes that kids need only 1 hour of homework a night, so that if your kid gets more, she advises to complain to the school. Sleep is more important than the extra hours of study. I found this interesting, because it sounds like a form of coddling to me, which is a "no-no", so I found myself saying "really"?
Even with some of the inconsistencies in the book, it's a good read, particularly the part of the different types of parenting approaches, which I had read about a few years ago. I was happy to have the refresher.
I would recommend reading the book.
Levine's advice is to stop coddling your kids and doing everything for them, accept that they may be bad students and end up doing something career-wise that doesn't make money (which she also says that they will have to figure out how to survive financially on their own), get your shit together so that your kids don't have to deal with your issues as a parent, and be present.
The book has some issues, which is why it wasn't a 5 star read for me. For example, she believes that kids need only 1 hour of homework a night, so that if your kid gets more, she advises to complain to the school. Sleep is more important than the extra hours of study. I found this interesting, because it sounds like a form of coddling to me, which is a "no-no", so I found myself saying "really"?
Even with some of the inconsistencies in the book, it's a good read, particularly the part of the different types of parenting approaches, which I had read about a few years ago. I was happy to have the refresher.
I would recommend reading the book.
August 3, 2009
Not one to readily dive into parenting, self-help or other social psychology reads, this one definitley was my exception. Offhandedly mentioned by my own children's pediatrician, I decided to give it a read because of the culture of affluence that my own kids are exposed to and raised in.
And let me interject: the concept of affluence doesn't have to mean the big house behind the statueque gates with the glittering pool--it can mean infinite clubs, sports, classes, etc. that kids--and more importantly, PARENTS--feel compelled to keep up with. It's about doing things for the need to rather than the love of.
Though my own children are not yet teens (or even 'tweens), I found the insights relevant, especially when looking at how the parents deal with their own issues with affluence. It is a quick and captivating read, and I would STRONGLY recommend this to anyone with children--even as young as preschool--and anyone who works with them, too.
The reminders about promoting and ingraining the true values (rather than materialsitic ones) in our children and *ourselves* were refreshing, important and something I'll do my best to remember throughout my days as mom, neighbor and citizen.
And let me interject: the concept of affluence doesn't have to mean the big house behind the statueque gates with the glittering pool--it can mean infinite clubs, sports, classes, etc. that kids--and more importantly, PARENTS--feel compelled to keep up with. It's about doing things for the need to rather than the love of.
Though my own children are not yet teens (or even 'tweens), I found the insights relevant, especially when looking at how the parents deal with their own issues with affluence. It is a quick and captivating read, and I would STRONGLY recommend this to anyone with children--even as young as preschool--and anyone who works with them, too.
The reminders about promoting and ingraining the true values (rather than materialsitic ones) in our children and *ourselves* were refreshing, important and something I'll do my best to remember throughout my days as mom, neighbor and citizen.
April 24, 2008
The chapter on child development/stages and how to parent to each particular age is concisely written and helpful to re-read to refresh my memory - one of the reasons I'm keeping the book.
Her insights based on her own family are more compelling than her case studies. Her own experiences as a mother with a family that fits the model she is writing about helps to humanize her and give her credibility. I wish she included more examples from her own experience.
My favorite phrase she uses is: "See the child who's in front of you."
Her insights based on her own family are more compelling than her case studies. Her own experiences as a mother with a family that fits the model she is writing about helps to humanize her and give her credibility. I wish she included more examples from her own experience.
My favorite phrase she uses is: "See the child who's in front of you."
October 1, 2011
written by a therapist who seems to specialize in working with troubled, affluent teens, this book is an examination of the psychological issues afflicting teenagers from a background or culture of class privilege.
what i liked: the author took pains to state that although this book focused on class privileged teenagers, she was in no way attempting to undermine or minimize the efforts that have gone into helping impoverished teenagers. she was pretty clear about the fact that affluent teens are facing a unique set of challenges (which mostly have to do with being incredibly spoiled). the author calls out the culture of affluence as a factor in creating psychologically damaged kids--including kids that are arrogant, materialistic, & entitled. she calls out affluent parents for immersing their kids in this culture & not modeling respectful behavior for their kids. i enjoyed the case studies, even though they were little more than anecdata. (i'm sucker for a case study.)
what i disliked: the book was very, very repetitive. i kept waiting for it to get going, but about three-quarters of the way through, i realized that was never going to happen. & although the author does something somewhat unique, i think, in identifying the impact of being spoiled as contributing to psychological problems in teens & encouraging readers & parents not to minimize that issue (in part because she acknowledges that affluent teens are likely to grow up to be the next generation of policymakers & professionals, & it would be better for society as a whole for them to learn to develop a little empathy & humility), the book mostly struck me as pretty commonsense & extremely repetitive. it was also riddled with spelling/grammatical errors, to the point that i cringed when i saw levine thank her volunteer copy editor in the acknowledgments. poor guy. you know that when a book comes out looking this rough, it was a fucking nightmare before the copy editor got there. he's only human. he can't be expected to corral every wayward comma or catch every homonym error.
to sum up the book's parenting advice: model for your children the behavior you would prefer to see from them. if you want them to be kind to others, be kind to your partner, domestic help, employees, et al. try to strike a balance between setting limits with your kids, followed by consistent, appropriate punishments for rule-breaking, while also allowing necessary space for healthy & appropriate risk-taking. try to accept the fact that a key element of healthy teenage psychological development is forming an independent self, trying on new identities, & possibly rejecting parental values. (levine is really big on parents educating themselves about the various stages of child development, which is great, but considering that madison avenue basically invented teenagers sixty years ago, & the concept of "tweens" wasn't a thing until like ten years ago, i am hedging my bets a little bit.) be kind to yourself & allow that no one is a perfect parent. take care of yourself because kids are canny & they will pick up on it if mom &/or dad is depressed or anxious. kids want time, love, & boundaries more than they want expensive clothes & toys. you can buck the culture of affluence if you really want to.
i guess we will see if i reflect back on this book & find it relevant or helpful when i have a teenager. i think i am probably already a little ahead of the game by not being affluent or caring to be? i don't know.
what i liked: the author took pains to state that although this book focused on class privileged teenagers, she was in no way attempting to undermine or minimize the efforts that have gone into helping impoverished teenagers. she was pretty clear about the fact that affluent teens are facing a unique set of challenges (which mostly have to do with being incredibly spoiled). the author calls out the culture of affluence as a factor in creating psychologically damaged kids--including kids that are arrogant, materialistic, & entitled. she calls out affluent parents for immersing their kids in this culture & not modeling respectful behavior for their kids. i enjoyed the case studies, even though they were little more than anecdata. (i'm sucker for a case study.)
what i disliked: the book was very, very repetitive. i kept waiting for it to get going, but about three-quarters of the way through, i realized that was never going to happen. & although the author does something somewhat unique, i think, in identifying the impact of being spoiled as contributing to psychological problems in teens & encouraging readers & parents not to minimize that issue (in part because she acknowledges that affluent teens are likely to grow up to be the next generation of policymakers & professionals, & it would be better for society as a whole for them to learn to develop a little empathy & humility), the book mostly struck me as pretty commonsense & extremely repetitive. it was also riddled with spelling/grammatical errors, to the point that i cringed when i saw levine thank her volunteer copy editor in the acknowledgments. poor guy. you know that when a book comes out looking this rough, it was a fucking nightmare before the copy editor got there. he's only human. he can't be expected to corral every wayward comma or catch every homonym error.
to sum up the book's parenting advice: model for your children the behavior you would prefer to see from them. if you want them to be kind to others, be kind to your partner, domestic help, employees, et al. try to strike a balance between setting limits with your kids, followed by consistent, appropriate punishments for rule-breaking, while also allowing necessary space for healthy & appropriate risk-taking. try to accept the fact that a key element of healthy teenage psychological development is forming an independent self, trying on new identities, & possibly rejecting parental values. (levine is really big on parents educating themselves about the various stages of child development, which is great, but considering that madison avenue basically invented teenagers sixty years ago, & the concept of "tweens" wasn't a thing until like ten years ago, i am hedging my bets a little bit.) be kind to yourself & allow that no one is a perfect parent. take care of yourself because kids are canny & they will pick up on it if mom &/or dad is depressed or anxious. kids want time, love, & boundaries more than they want expensive clothes & toys. you can buck the culture of affluence if you really want to.
i guess we will see if i reflect back on this book & find it relevant or helpful when i have a teenager. i think i am probably already a little ahead of the game by not being affluent or caring to be? i don't know.
May 18, 2018
In my book club, most of us have teenage daughters, and most of those girls suffer from anxiety. I spend a lot of time thinking about why, and I picked up this book to see if it would help fill in the puzzle. We're all pretty affluent, and we have talked about our worries about how our children are growing up in a lifestyle in which all their basic needs and most of their wants are met without friction. To be precise, the affluence that Levine talks about in this book is probably a notch or two above our affluence: these are children who regularly go on exotic vacations, and who get cars for their sixteenth birthdays. (Our children have smartphones, get a new backpack every year, and go to summer camp for a couple of weeks.)
It turns out that it's not really affluence per se that leads to unhappiness in children, but rather a combination of factors which are associated with affluence. For one, materialism and an emphasis on external measures of success are bad for everyone's mental health. (Read Affluenza: Reality Bites Back for more about that.) Affluent parents tend to be ambitious and smart, and they expect the same of their children. Because they invest a lot of their own sense of self into their children, they get overinvolvement in their child's success. When parents, for example, go into the classroom to fight for better marks for their child, the child loses their sense of agency - it doesn't matter how hard they work at school, their parents will handle their marks. Meanwhile, the ambitious parent wants to see themself reflected in the child, so they push, nag, bribe, or insult them into training harder, joining more clubs, getting better marks. The child's sense of self degrades or never develops in the first place because they haven't had a chance to make their own choices and their own mistakes.
This is compounded in the common situation where regression to the mean produces a child who is less brilliant or less ambitious than their parent, so the child dwells with a constant feeling of failure and insufficiency. The parents' denial of the truth about who their child is leaves the child feeling unseen and unloved.
On the mother's side of the relationship there is often isolation. The affluent mother's need to appear in control, leads to an unwillingness to seek help either socially or professionally. Busy affluent life is often at odds with the things which make life better: friendships, spirituality and community involvement.
Interestingly, whether a mother works outside the home or not has no correlation with her children's unhappiness. The question is whether she can find the balance between being an effective mother and a fulfillled person for herself.
This is an interesting read, and has lots of general parenting advice that will be familiar to anyone who has read a parenting book.
It turns out that it's not really affluence per se that leads to unhappiness in children, but rather a combination of factors which are associated with affluence. For one, materialism and an emphasis on external measures of success are bad for everyone's mental health. (Read Affluenza: Reality Bites Back for more about that.) Affluent parents tend to be ambitious and smart, and they expect the same of their children. Because they invest a lot of their own sense of self into their children, they get overinvolvement in their child's success. When parents, for example, go into the classroom to fight for better marks for their child, the child loses their sense of agency - it doesn't matter how hard they work at school, their parents will handle their marks. Meanwhile, the ambitious parent wants to see themself reflected in the child, so they push, nag, bribe, or insult them into training harder, joining more clubs, getting better marks. The child's sense of self degrades or never develops in the first place because they haven't had a chance to make their own choices and their own mistakes.
This is compounded in the common situation where regression to the mean produces a child who is less brilliant or less ambitious than their parent, so the child dwells with a constant feeling of failure and insufficiency. The parents' denial of the truth about who their child is leaves the child feeling unseen and unloved.
On the mother's side of the relationship there is often isolation. The affluent mother's need to appear in control, leads to an unwillingness to seek help either socially or professionally. Busy affluent life is often at odds with the things which make life better: friendships, spirituality and community involvement.
Interestingly, whether a mother works outside the home or not has no correlation with her children's unhappiness. The question is whether she can find the balance between being an effective mother and a fulfillled person for herself.
This is an interesting read, and has lots of general parenting advice that will be familiar to anyone who has read a parenting book.
March 21, 2015
I picked up the book after realizing that many people at my suburban high school were extremely unhappy; despite financial security, many were stressed, drank too much coffee, didn't get enough sleep, and didn't seem to enjoy their lives. I'm not the only one who realized this; written on one of the walls of my school is Escape Suburbia, and some consider it to me a motif of their high school experiences.
When I took this book out from the library, I was looking for answers, and fortunately this book delivered. It most certainly is a parenting manual, but I would also recommend it to other students who are curious as to why there's so much depression and anxiety in affluent families.
It's a relatively short book that is engagingly written, with facts and statistics working in harmony with illuminating anecdotes. The author focuses on allowing children to develop their sense of self to become independent, successful, and happy people, giving instructions to parents on how to do so. The author is realistic and compassionate, often saying that no parent will be perfect, but that there are ways to raise a child so that they become an autonomous person. At the end of the book, there is a section geared towards mothers, outlining the importance of their own mental well-being before they can focus on their childrens'.
So why not give this book five stars? After all, it's a concise, clear read on the relationship between a mother and her child. And that's the problem; it was a parenting book, but it was a parenting book for mothers. The last section of the book was entirely relevant to mothers, with practically no advice for fathers.
I understand that, in our society, mothers still do most of the child-raising. I understand that women are still expected to take care of their children more than their fathers. I understand that's the expectation. However, and fortunately, society is moving towards both parents raising children equally. And there are men in my life who take parenting very seriously, and would likely appreciate a parenting book that gives them appropriate advice.
Then shouldn't parenting manuals address fathers too? How can fathers be expected to be good parents if parenting books don't give them advice? As a society, we can't expect men to become more involved with raising children if our books and our media still say that it's the mother's job. I'm sick of seeing the father's role in parenting swept under the rug, and it's about time that parenting books realize that it's not just the mother's job to raise the child, and that it's the father's job too.
Anyway. That was kind of a rant, but it needed to be said. I still really enjoyed this book, and I highly recommend it to students and parents alike. Mental health is something not often discussed in affluent culture, and this book isn't afraid to bring hard-to-discuss issues to light.
When I took this book out from the library, I was looking for answers, and fortunately this book delivered. It most certainly is a parenting manual, but I would also recommend it to other students who are curious as to why there's so much depression and anxiety in affluent families.
It's a relatively short book that is engagingly written, with facts and statistics working in harmony with illuminating anecdotes. The author focuses on allowing children to develop their sense of self to become independent, successful, and happy people, giving instructions to parents on how to do so. The author is realistic and compassionate, often saying that no parent will be perfect, but that there are ways to raise a child so that they become an autonomous person. At the end of the book, there is a section geared towards mothers, outlining the importance of their own mental well-being before they can focus on their childrens'.
So why not give this book five stars? After all, it's a concise, clear read on the relationship between a mother and her child. And that's the problem; it was a parenting book, but it was a parenting book for mothers. The last section of the book was entirely relevant to mothers, with practically no advice for fathers.
I understand that, in our society, mothers still do most of the child-raising. I understand that women are still expected to take care of their children more than their fathers. I understand that's the expectation. However, and fortunately, society is moving towards both parents raising children equally. And there are men in my life who take parenting very seriously, and would likely appreciate a parenting book that gives them appropriate advice.
Then shouldn't parenting manuals address fathers too? How can fathers be expected to be good parents if parenting books don't give them advice? As a society, we can't expect men to become more involved with raising children if our books and our media still say that it's the mother's job. I'm sick of seeing the father's role in parenting swept under the rug, and it's about time that parenting books realize that it's not just the mother's job to raise the child, and that it's the father's job too.
Anyway. That was kind of a rant, but it needed to be said. I still really enjoyed this book, and I highly recommend it to students and parents alike. Mental health is something not often discussed in affluent culture, and this book isn't afraid to bring hard-to-discuss issues to light.
June 2, 2016
Blah, blah, blah--"these kids aren't spoiled, they're troubled." Sorry, Levine, but I'm not buying what you're selling, Though she does make a few good points, and the chapter on the different stages of development was interesting, there weren't any real revelatory moments in this expose. Levine's basic premise is that this generation of children who grow up in affluent families are more likely to suffer from depression, alcoholism, drug addition, and ultimately won't ever develop a true sense of self. In this book, Levine points the finger at everyone from the media, to the school system, to parents, stating that ultimately it's the lethal combination of these malificent entities that breeds a generation of "troubled" and disconnected kids. She explores materialism (in great depth) and recapitulates the reasons why parents with "high pressure" jobs are more inclined to be lax with rules and discipline. What she DOESN'T do, though, is offer any REAL solutions to this problem. The last chapter is dedicated to exploring the role of the mother, with absolutely NO discussion of the role of the father. Moreover, the book is littered with personal anecdotes of both her professional and personal experiences; we're to assume these anecdotes are meant to be didactic, but I found them to be more obnoxious and ill-placed. In the last quarter of her work, Levine attempts to outline effective parenting strategies that would redress some of the issues plaguing the current adolescent demographic. Most of them are either too vague or described too circuitously to have any effect.
May 5, 2015
It's a hard message, but needs to be heard. Many people perceive this psychologist as "hard". She's not. She's accurate. There are a lot of angry and unhappy young people who have not developed in the stages most advantageous toward a level of emotional maturity that holds more positive independence and self acceptance. Some are suspended for long years in states of self-involved depression or self-identity tension with destruction. This isn't just a problem of privilege either, and I think she rather misses the boat on the focus for families with generous material wealth- it's endemic for more than just the moderately wealthy. Poor kids still have large TV's, I-phones, and self-identity primarily outside of the house/family too. They do. And lots of them have intense after school structure that is supposed to make up for a family supper, for instance. It does not. It seems that it takes a parent to be an authoritative and strong every day influence to core the security of self.
Her parenting skills chapters are superb.
Her parenting skills chapters are superb.
April 22, 2009
I think that the author lets readers off the hook too easily by over-emphasizing that her book applies to the "affluent". I think a lot of the issues she addresses that come from having wealth are just as relevant to the middle-class who often strive to be just like the "affluent". Be careful what you wish for! Granted some of the extremes in her book made me wonder if Paris Hilton's parents shouldn't sit down and read it cover to cover, but most of the same pitfalls occur within the middle class. Only difference might be that instead of a brand new black Saab convertible for a 16th birthday, your kid is getting a used Jetta. The emphasis on materialism and the resultant behavior issues are the same. It is all just relative.
October 18, 2017
This book came to me at exactly the right time. It confirmed many of the things I feel like we're doing right (de-emphasizing materialism, authoritative parenting) and also gave me room to breathe with regard to some of the things I feel I'm struggling with. She stresses that it's okay if your kid isn't in 300 academic honors programs (and a chess champion and junior orchestra concertmaster and star forward of the premier classic soccer team), and in fact pushing them too hard can do more harm than good. My instinct is to push and criticize in order to foster peak performance, something I experienced throughout my own childhood. I will be reading this book repeatedly to remind myself that my ultimate goal is happy kids, not miserable over-achievers
December 4, 2013
I first heard of this book because the author went to my high school, and it was in the library so I checked it out. A lot of the concepts seemed pretty logical, not anything surprising. It was interesting enough to finish, but not necessarily recommend, unless the topic grabs you. While reading I thought of my childhood, psychology courses I've taken, friends I know, my students, and how I want to raise my children. In the end, it made me ask myself what I value and how will I use those values in raising my children? "All roads are the same.... Choose the one with heart." -Carlos Castaneda
February 24, 2010
Living in an affluent area, this book gave me some insight into what might be happening in the homes of my childrens' friends. I was also able to see some of the things we inadvertantly do in our home in an effort to help our kids which are actually harming their development. It makes one wonder if the parents that need to read this book ever would and if they would recognize themselves in the pages. My suspicious is not. It did reinforce the idea that you need to raise your children with strong values and empower them to try (and sometimes fail) so that they will grow and develop into well-adjusted adults with the tools to deal with the inevitable ups and downs of life.
July 28, 2018
This was an excellent read. This book is written by a family psychologist and she examines problems that parents and children experience as a result of affluence. Money can’t buy you happiness, indeed. There were several eye-opening facts and statistics that helped me understand some of the things I am experiencing as a parent of teenagers, and also some challenges of other parents. I do think this book will make me think twice about certain parenting strategies and likely will help me become a better father. I would recommend this book to anyone with teenagers in a semi-affluent situation.
July 26, 2008
This is a must read for anyone who teaches or raises children today. Not only did it help me to better understand my own sons, but it also gives me improved insight into my students and their parents. Actually, the book makes me grateful for having come of age in the late 1960s and '70s when the choices were much clearer and our parents were not our friends.
February 21, 2024
Pretty dated, but good info. I’d recommend Never Enough over this book, as it delves deeper into the issues surrounding modern parenting and child rearing. However, this book is cited in NE.
August 4, 2020
I thought this was a great book! It is a must read for parents either currently embarking on the wild ride of raising teenagers or those about to!
June 12, 2012
Levine begins by describing a mental health "epidemic" among affluent teens, arguing that mental health disorders in these children of privilege and power - the future powerful of our society - has an impact on society at large, and should be addressed as a public health issue. Then she writes a parenting book. Her parenting advise is mostly sound (with a few notable exceptions - I don't agree that drug usage should be considered a normal, healthy part of development), but it is just a parenting book. She never addresses this epidemic as a public health issue.
Although I liked what she had to say about parenting in general, and thought her writing style was encouraging, I found that not being her target audience made the book a tedious read. I kept wondering when she was going to get back to the public health discussion, because, frankly, I could not see why anyone in this highly competitive affluent class of parents would care in the least what I think of their parenting or how I could help their children. Since she did not return to that angle, I assume she doesn't either.
Considering how limited the audience for this book is, I can't think of anyone to whom I would recommend this. I found Leonard Sax's books Girls on the Edge and Boys_Adrift covered similar issues in a way more meaningful to a broader group of parents and kids.
Although I liked what she had to say about parenting in general, and thought her writing style was encouraging, I found that not being her target audience made the book a tedious read. I kept wondering when she was going to get back to the public health discussion, because, frankly, I could not see why anyone in this highly competitive affluent class of parents would care in the least what I think of their parenting or how I could help their children. Since she did not return to that angle, I assume she doesn't either.
Considering how limited the audience for this book is, I can't think of anyone to whom I would recommend this. I found Leonard Sax's books Girls on the Edge and Boys_Adrift covered similar issues in a way more meaningful to a broader group of parents and kids.
March 10, 2013
Here's a book for parents. Written by a trained PhD psychotheraist with years of experience in private practice, she doesn't use the word "spoiled" kids but basically means just that. She says that upper middle-class families in recent years have given their kids too much material stuff. They have unintentionally created narcissists who have a sense of entitlement and little or no appreciation or gratitude for their privileged lives.
One of her statements has stood by me as a keeper. She says that her life experience and practice shows that MONEY DOESN'T BUY HAPPINESS. She said research shows that people who have their basic needs met experience just as much happiness and sometimes more than those who are wealthy and privileged.
She didn't say that poor people who have to scramble to find food, shelter, clothing, and health care are as happy. Those are the basic needs she talks about. But if people have those needs met, she says they are as happy as the rich and privileged.
She also said that the rich and privileged have an extra burden of wanting to save face and cover up any family problems. Working class people don't hide their problems from their friends and neighbors and therefore have a support system that the privileged don't have in their self-imposed isolation. I felt her observations here were wise and right on.
I'm very glad I read this book.
One of her statements has stood by me as a keeper. She says that her life experience and practice shows that MONEY DOESN'T BUY HAPPINESS. She said research shows that people who have their basic needs met experience just as much happiness and sometimes more than those who are wealthy and privileged.
She didn't say that poor people who have to scramble to find food, shelter, clothing, and health care are as happy. Those are the basic needs she talks about. But if people have those needs met, she says they are as happy as the rich and privileged.
She also said that the rich and privileged have an extra burden of wanting to save face and cover up any family problems. Working class people don't hide their problems from their friends and neighbors and therefore have a support system that the privileged don't have in their self-imposed isolation. I felt her observations here were wise and right on.
I'm very glad I read this book.
February 3, 2017
Despite having numerous advantages, kids growing up in privilege are at risk due to poor parenting. Mostly due to lack of setting limits, buying too much stuff, and over-emphasizing achievement, many parents are raising children without the self-control and independence they need in life. Citing the 50 year-old research of Diana Baumrind about the ideal "authoritative" parenting style, psychologist Dr. Levine generalizes strategies she uses with her privileged clients. "Make certain that your children know every day just how much they are loved, not for their grades, honors, or awards, but for their striving to be independent, capable, good, and loving people," she writes. "We need to be certain that our emphasis is on those things that have been shown to contribute to healthy self-development--encouraging autonomy and self-management skills, valuing relationships and reciprocity, allowing space for the development of self-efficacy, and to truly appreciating and loving the child who stands in front of us."
August 23, 2010
Fascinating view into the world of affluent families and the epidemic proportions of disaffected, psychologically damaged youth being turned out from such a lifestyle. This book sheds some light on why many of the most recent generations in the U.S. are so maladjusted in social interaction, interpersonal relationships, and the adversities of life in general. That so many have no "substance" and no altruism is probably the most disturbing. What will become of them when - in the coming years of incredible hardships, nationally and otherwise - they will have to face trying times, and have to depend on others? Especially within a more authentic, close-knit community that they have never known or experienced in their whole lives? One can only hope that it won't be too late to rehabilitate their atrophied social skills...
This book is a highly recommended read for anyone interested in contemporary social phenomena, whether you're a parent or not - and I happen to be the latter! :)
This book is a highly recommended read for anyone interested in contemporary social phenomena, whether you're a parent or not - and I happen to be the latter! :)
December 4, 2013
I enjoyed and appreciated this book on several levels.
It's a thoughtful explanation on what adolescents are going through in modern times, and in particular when raised with wealth at their side.
Madeline Levine, Ph.D., cites her own professional opinion and research from other Psychologists the problems particular to the affluent household and lines them up against the needs of a developing adolescent. She shares her experiences as a psychologist and as an affluent mother of three, to illustrate the challenges of raising children in a culture of excess. Her personal connection to this topic gives the clinical explanations a grounding of authenticity & warmth.
I found this book informative and captivating. It's a very easy read and recommended for anyone who interacts with adolescents.
It's a thoughtful explanation on what adolescents are going through in modern times, and in particular when raised with wealth at their side.
Madeline Levine, Ph.D., cites her own professional opinion and research from other Psychologists the problems particular to the affluent household and lines them up against the needs of a developing adolescent. She shares her experiences as a psychologist and as an affluent mother of three, to illustrate the challenges of raising children in a culture of excess. Her personal connection to this topic gives the clinical explanations a grounding of authenticity & warmth.
I found this book informative and captivating. It's a very easy read and recommended for anyone who interacts with adolescents.
May 14, 2012
I read this book as a means of developing a deeper understanding of those around me. We live in a very "privileged" society. I wanted to understand the issues that my children's "friends" would be facings. Ha, ha.
This book did increased my understanding and compassion for those around me. I have already applied many of the things that I learned from its pages. And will be working and praying extra hard that my own family does not see the depression, anxiety, suicide, self mutilating behaviors, eating disorders, and substance abuse issues this book addresses.
Overall: This is a good general parenting book for teenagers. The author does at times draw out and repeat herself a little much. I probably should give it 3 stars over all, but since I'm better for reading it . . . 4 stars.
This book did increased my understanding and compassion for those around me. I have already applied many of the things that I learned from its pages. And will be working and praying extra hard that my own family does not see the depression, anxiety, suicide, self mutilating behaviors, eating disorders, and substance abuse issues this book addresses.
Overall: This is a good general parenting book for teenagers. The author does at times draw out and repeat herself a little much. I probably should give it 3 stars over all, but since I'm better for reading it . . . 4 stars.
January 28, 2016
I had a hard time with this book. It was so very sad to me, and simultaneously terrifying. I can see how easily families can fall into the trap of having kids who have everything yet are nothing--have no identity, no purpose, no meaning or desire. They are lost.
I feel the tension between wanting to give them everything they need, but realize that by giving them everything, I'm depriving them of the chance to learn, grown and develop as a human.
My conclusion from reading this book is that several things need to happen as we approach the teenage years with our kids: 1.) keep generosity and kindness at the forefront 2.) be self-aware of my actions and what they tell my kids 3.) find the sweet spot of how much to be the director of my kids lives vs. a supporting character. 4.) let them be who they are. and 5.) Pray.
I feel the tension between wanting to give them everything they need, but realize that by giving them everything, I'm depriving them of the chance to learn, grown and develop as a human.
My conclusion from reading this book is that several things need to happen as we approach the teenage years with our kids: 1.) keep generosity and kindness at the forefront 2.) be self-aware of my actions and what they tell my kids 3.) find the sweet spot of how much to be the director of my kids lives vs. a supporting character. 4.) let them be who they are. and 5.) Pray.
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