Bem-comportadas: Os sete pecados capitais e o preço que as mulheres pagam para provar seu valor

by Elise Loehnen

Da lista de mais vendidos do The New York Times. Finalista do prêmio Goodreads de 2023. Uma reveladora visão histórica de como as mulheres, sem se dar conta, internalizaram regras morais opressoras baseadas nos pecados capitais. Desde cedo aprendemos que, para sermos consideradas mulheres exemplares, precisamos reprimir a raiva, negar nosso desejo e colocar as necessidades dos outros na frente das nossas. Neste livro, a jornalista Elise Loehnen explica como o impulso de nos anularmos para sermos “boazinhas” na verdade se deve a ideias plantadas na mente feminina pela mesma cultura que se beneficia de nos manter sob controle. Os Sete Pecados Capitais – orgulho, ganância, luxúria, inveja, gula, ira e preguiça – têm exercido um poder insidioso sobre as mulheres desde que foram estabelecidos pela Igreja no século IV. E ainda hoje continuam a cercear nosso comportamento. Ao considerarmos a preguiça um pecado, nos negamos o descanso. O medo da gula nos leva a ignorar nossos apetites. Enquanto a aversão à ganância nos impede de negociar em causa própria, o que contribui para a desigualdade salarial entre os gêneros. Recorrendo a uma vasta pesquisa, a histórias de sua própria vida e à contribuição de diversas tradições espirituais, Bem-comportadas inspira as mulheres a se libertarem e encontrarem a integridade, o equilíbrio e a plenitude que todas nós buscamos.

Genres: Nonfiction, Feminism, Audiobook, Psychology, History, Self Help, Womens

352 pages, Paperback

First published May 23, 2023

Reviews

[Erin · Rating 2 out of 5]

Another book that I read so you don't have to! I loved the concept of this book and preordered it without doing any research on the author. Two chapters in I was wondering why it was so deeply insipid and did a quick search - ah.
It did not get better.
If you are the type of person who has read and enjoyed the content on Gwyneth Paltrow's Goop, you will probably feel good about reading this book (you won't enjoy it but you will regard it as a useful virtue signal to have it on your shelf). If you aren't that kind of midwit, skip this (buzz)word salad. I can think of dozens of books that cover the same ground but in better, more accurate, more useful ways.

[Brian Griffith · Rating 4 out of 5]

I was surprised at how personal this is, and how good that makes it. The question Loehnen asks is fascinating to me. But being a mental guy, I was looking for info on the effects of traditional moralism on history, etc. Loehnen discusses some of that, but when she gets personal it's gut-punchingly powerful. What does it do to us when we presume that our basic needs for rest (sloth), role models (envy), self-respect (pride), nutrition (gluttony), ambition (greed), sexuality (lust), fairness (anger)—and an original eighth deadly sin, grief (sadness), should all be eliminated as much as possible? Loehnen explores the benefits of these things, looking for optimal balance rather than maximal purity. Sometimes it sounds like a self-help guide, but the personal stuff brings it alive, and it gets very relevant for men.

Here's a quote about the "shame" of sadness. A woman tells Loehnen, "When one of our co-workers died and the whole team was devastated, I kept apologizing to them for crying as I addressed them--I couldn't help myself from saying sorry ..."

[Heather Schreiber · Rating 5 out of 5]

Thank you NetGalley for this ARC!

Wow! Just wow.
If you’re a woman, read this. If you ever feel anxious, read this. If you feel like society is dictating you, read this. This book is fantastic. It has made me stop and breathe. It made me take a look at my life and realize that I was trying so hard for everyone else, and not taking the time to try for ME. We grow up being told to do this or do that or even DONT do this or that. But this book broke down those barriers for me and helped me realize that the life I want to live starts with how I perceive myself and not how others do. Fantastic job. Definitely recommend and will be buying for my shelf for those days when I need a reminder of who I want to be.

[Katie · Rating 2 out of 5]

The author’s bio on Google reveals you all you need to know: “Elise was the chief content officer of goop.” If only I had read that before checking this out.

This book is a great idea. The chapter titles alone offer fantastic food for thought. However, in this author’s hands, this topic is better suited to a magazine article. There is no there there.

The first chapter, which we are warned is the most “academic,” offers a cursory, surface-level history of the patriarchy. The author cites no sources. Broad generalizations thin her authority. I learned nothing new about the patriarchy that I didn’t read as a freshman in college in the 90s. I expected a bit more insight into gender dynamics.

It is interesting to think about how this concept of the Seven Deadly Sins has lasted in our culture. It would be nice to read a book that actually traces that thread in history, philosophy, psychology, and social science. This book is more interested in telling us what “society” expects of us.

The conclusion contains some good insights, but in general, this author is out of her depth. I wish she had taken the time to go a little deeper.

[Mike Cross · Rating 2 out of 5]

While touted as an analysis and history of the seven deadly sins, it is neither. Rather, it is mostly a therapy session with the author as she goes through her “struggles” with each sin and how “society” is holding her and all other women down. The book reeks of victimhood. It should be noted that the author is a highly accomplished Yale graduate with her own Netflix series and a fulltime nanny to look after her sons, so the premise that sins defined by a pope hundreds of years ago are holding her back and making her a victim seems suspect, at best. What little history that is included is excellent, while many of her facts are taken out of context or are misused. The author is an excellent writer, I just wish she had put her talent to writing a book of analysis and history.

[LesbianBarista]

After finding out who Elise Loehnen is, the previous Chief Content officer for Goop, made me a little uncomfortable as Goop is a questionable company, as is its owner. I won't hold her accountable for the shittiness of said company, and owner, but I can choose to not read something by someone that worked so closely with such methods of thought.

The idea of reducing women to a state of victimhood thanks to the Seven Deadly Sins (which is something that marginalizes all peoples, not just women) felt like toeing the line into TERF ideology. Made me massively uncomfortable within the first 30 pages.

I can say I learned some cool things like about the Eight Thoughts, that it was taken and mashed into the Seven Deadly Sins by christians, taking away Sorrow. Learned that sinning originally meant "missed the mark" in Hebrew and Greek so it was more forgiving than christianity allowed it to be. I appreciate the outright critique on christianity as well.

It just didn't stick with me because of what is stated above. I don't doubt it has some good information, I can just find it elsewhere.

[Malia · Rating 3 out of 5]

I really wanted to love this book. If you're completely new to feminism or new to personal growth, this book may be eye opening. But, if you've done any reading or reflection unpacking toxic patriarchy or how society shapes us -- while there are some interesting researched tidbits, and the framing is an interesting premise -- I couldn't finish reading this book because it didn't cover much new ground. The book also had an awkward back and forth between analytical writing and memoir style writing.

[Emily Coffee and Commentary · Rating 3 out of 5]

https://www.instagram.com/p/C0Jz9NZr0...

An interesting exploration of the ways in which ancient rules and archetypes still continue to influence women’s behaviors and personas. With cultural, historical, and religious insight, On Our Best Behavior examines the long lasting gender roles enforced by the Seven Deadly Sins and other culturally backed societal guidelines, forcing women to strive for “goodness”, a centuries old struggle that continues to subtly morph in order to keep women feeling guilty about breaking convention. With the authors own experiences listed throughout, this is a book that most women can relate to, the constant back and forth between patriarchal and personal morality, and our own definitions on how and what we should be doing to lead a “good” life; society so often urges us to be smaller, more docile, less loud, completely nurturing to everyone over ourselves, and that our own desires, shortcomings, resentments, are inherently sinful. Frustrating, real, and timely, this is a book that makes compelling parallels between the past and present, and urges us to take a closer look at who exactly gets to decide what makes us good, bad, and powerful.

[Amy · Rating 2 out of 5]

Ughhhh this book. I had such high hopes but it just wasn't what I was expecting. I really wanted the author to draw a direct line from these sins being codified to how people (especially women, trans, and BIPOC) are shoved in a box based on these expectations. It's not that, and that's fine! But this didn't hit the mark for me.

When the "woo" started coming, I googled the author and realized she comes from Goop and the magazine industry. I should have researched better. Make that money, but I don't feel like a privileged white lady who profitted off making women feel like s&$>t, should be telling us how effed up the system is.

I abandoned the book at about 90% when she started justifying the use of a medium. Idc what rich people do with their money but mediums regularly scam low-income people out of money. Nope.

The final kicker: she venerates mother theresa, a racist colonizer who enjoyed watching people in poverty suffer in the name of the lord. Surely there were more accurate examples of generous, caring woman in history.

I really enjoyed parts of this book; the historical and memoir aspects were really interesting but I just don't vibe with this author.

[Sam · Rating 2 out of 5]

I had such high hopes for this and girl…this ain’t it. The historical aspects of the origins of the Seven Deadly Sins and the influence religion has on women and the patriarchy were the most interesting to read about; but the author herself calls those chapters ‘dense’ and says ‘you can skip this if you want’. I’m not sure why so many have labeled it as groundbreaking.

[Ashley Robinson · Rating 1 out of 5]

DNF - not sure how this book crossed my library list but as soon as the girlboss brand of feminism reached a certain level I decided to google the author… former chief content officer at Goop. Not exactly my go-to source for smashing patriarchal expectations of women.

[Temi · Rating 3 out of 5]

I liked the concept of this book but I think the execution could use some work. I agree with the criticism that this book was written exclusively for white, upper middle class women which felt ostracizing as a reader who is not white and is a shame because these systems of oppression and feelings of religious/societal shame could apply to every group of women. I also agree that is too personal although I don’t fault the author for sharing her experiences but it could’ve possibly benefited from being an anthology piece with many different writers. Towards the end it felt like she was rambling and kinda dragged on. This was a bold undertaking though and I liked that she included references to Christian historical texts and how it has been mistranslated to subjugate and erase women. I want to see more works on this topic for sure.

[Cori · Rating 2 out of 5]

I dont know if I missed the memo on what makes this groundbreaking, or the memo on what made this engaging, but this really should have been an essay or something. I don't know if the discussions I've had with people on my life have already alerted me to some of the points she made, or what, but this felt dry and 'old news' to me. This books was so heavily hyped I thought there was going to be more to it. At least it's available at the library so I didn't have to feel regret for all the eye rolls and heaving sighs while battling to get through this. Good effort. Hopefully the people that love this spark discussions amongst their peers and things may change or awareness may bloom.

[Tanith · Rating 1 out of 5]

Not at all what I was expecting. Made it halfway through before I could no longer take the Mel Robbins-ness of it all.

If you're looking for a book that actually looks at the outcome patriarchy has has on gender roles and discrimination in Western society, a much better option is Invisible Women by Caroline Criado-Perez. That one actually uses data and references peer-reviewed studies, rather than anecdotes and Glennon Doyle quotes. Invisible Women is by no means perfect, but this is... Something else entirely.

[Jenna · Rating 1 out of 5]

Citation(s) needed

[Dona's Books · Rating 3 out of 5]

Definitely well-researched and well-written. I found it a depressing read, and it was all familiar territory for me. I wish the author had focused more on her conclusions, which sort of get lost here in the plentiful details.

Full review to come.

[Shawna · Rating 4 out of 5]

A Fresh Take on an Age-Old Concept

In the insightful and captivating book, On Our Best Behavior: The Seven Deadly Sins and the Price Women Pay to Be Good, author Elise Loehnen takes a unique and thought-provoking approach to examining the societal pressures that women face. Through the lens of the traditional Seven Deadly Sins, Loehnen explores how these age-old vices manifest in the lives of modern women, revealing the high cost they pay for trying to meet impossible standards. This book is a must-read for anyone seeking to understand the complexities of being a woman in today's world and looking for a refreshing perspective on the challenges they face.

Elise Loehnen's writing style is friendly, witty, and engaging. The tone of the book is conversational, making it feel like you're chatting with a close friend over a cup of coffee. This approachable writing style makes connecting with the author's experiences and perspectives easy, allowing readers to see themselves in her stories and relate to her feelings.

The book is organized into seven chapters, each addressing one of the seven deadly sins: pride, greed, lust, envy, gluttony, wrath, and sloth (with a surprising 8th added in). Loehnen thoroughly analyzes how these sins manifest in women's lives, highlighting the double standards and internalized misogyny that often drives women to strive for perfection at a great personal cost.

One of the most empowering aspects of "On Our Best Behavior" is Loehnen's encouragement for women to embrace their imperfections and let go of the need to be "good" at all times. She reminds readers that it's okay to be human and make mistakes, and that true growth comes from learning from our missteps and finding balance in our lives.

This book provides readers with the tools to recognize and combat the negative effects of the Seven Deadly Sins and serves as a reminder that we are all works in progress. In a world where women are constantly bombarded with unrealistic expectations, this book is a breath of fresh air - encouraging us to be kinder to ourselves, embrace our imperfections, and celebrate the beautifully messy journey that is life.

[Stephanie Pack · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book was FOR me. This book seemed to fit perfectly into my heart and mind with the satisfying thump of a puzzle piece fitting into place. I think me and the author have been in a parallel book club for the past few years. Nearly every author and thinker she quoted in this book was one I too have read and resonated with. I didn’t know who she thought would vibe with this book but look no farther than this people pleaser. This book was FOR ME.

Women, read this and read it carefully.

[Jocelyn Chin · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book contained a lot, so even though I wasn't enthralled the entire time while reading, there were a lot of individual pieces, e.g. quotes or two-sentence ideas that will change my life in small yet noticeable ways. I appreciate that the author was aware of her own identity throughout the book (as a cis hetero white woman) and attributed her arguments to her positionality. Reading this book was a wild mixture of "this is interesting," "well duh," "ok this IS written by a white woman," and "OMG MUST WRITE DOWN THIS IS SUCH A BRILLIANT WAY OF SEEING [insert any topic ranging from grief to sex fantasy to mary magdalene]."

Aside from the intro and conclusion, this book was divided into nine main chapters. I list them below with a lil parenthetical on some of my simple thoughts coming from that chapter. the setup of the latter 8 are on how 8 totally normal instincts have become "vices" that deny women (but honestly everyone) regular human needs. the author also includes her and her family's stories in the book as examples.

1) a brief history of the patriarchy
(a great pulling together of history + many thoughts I've had on how twisted spiritual teachings have become after passing through the hands of men in power. i do like to sit around and talk about morality with the homies so this chapter will add some spice to our chats. however i also think the author has a specific personal agenda with her book and therefore will remind myself her interpretations of how the patriarchy came to be are not the end all be all)
2) SLOTH: believing sloth to be sinful, we deny ourselves rest
(immediately told Del about this so we can talk about REST. Shoutout Del - and Rest as Resistance: A Manifesto - for priming me for this. It's cool to see how different approaches by different people can explain our lack of and need for rest. nothing super radical in this chapter for me but was a good reminder that we deserve to just be!! also on average women get way less down time than men because household chores are traditionally done by women even when they work outside the house.).
3) ENVY: believing envy to be sinful, we deny our own wanting
(likely the most impactful chapter for me practically, since I never thought of envy as a thing that can be embraced. this chapter began with the differentiating between jealousy and envy - while jealousy is often seen as petty but harmless, society connects envy with great immorality. because envy is seen as so terrible, we actually often deny feeling it; but only when we recognize our negative reactions or emotions as stemming from envy can we then identify what we truly lack and want. i feel like being able to admit to your own hard feelings, then process it, requires a lot of EQ but envy is such a good example).
4) PRIDE: believing pride to be sinful, we deny our own talents
(ok, we all know how the media tears down successful, confident women. let's not do that. let's also not be taken aback when women demand higher compensation or admit to being skilled at something).
5) GLUTTONY: believing gluttony to be sinful, we deny our own hunger
(the original definition of gluttony used to mean not only overconsumption but just any kind of inordinate desire - for example not enough. but society is so fatphobic that gluttony has become associated with fatness. i'm glad this book included facts like how fat women are hired at lower rates, most fat people are low income poc, and how health concerns is like the craziest excuse but still exists for justifying fatphobia. i think michigan is one of the only states that has a law explicitly banning discrimination on the basis of weight? also body positivity is overrated; the goal should be body neutrality - a decentering of value on outward appearances).
6) GREED: believing greed to be sinful, we deny our own security
(least memorable chapter for me. relevant references to covid though, and i think it's interesting we've already reached an era where people have published books talking about the impact of the pandemic).
7) LUST: believing lust to be sinful, we deny our own pleasure
(okay, we all know men can't find the clit but legit it wasn't even studied till 1998. this was a dense chapter including both personal narrative, studies on how lack of comprehensive sex ed for women has denied them sexual liberation in some truly wonky ways that we unfortunately see as normal, and also i think some reflection on the connection between sex and birth and the divine feminine? also there was a brief idea that your body - like a vessel - holds all your t/Trauma, and only when you process it through your mind does the burden lift off your body. in an ealier chapter the author also reaches the revelation "i am not my biology." she is clearly not a materialist, and i am glad of that. i think her agnosticism/ interest in the divine/ mysticism creates a lot of depth in her views. anyhow, i will be dwelling on the idea, or the fact, that my body holds my experiences for me before my mind does. this is what i think about on my runs)
8) ANGER: believing anger to be sinful, we deny our own needs
(legit the idea that anger is sinful is so silly because even Biblically God was full of wrath dude and even Jesus flipped out and flipped tables. anger occurs when we see injustices and while Loehnen did address race I think she could've done a little more especially in that one example with the child of an immigrant? I like how "needs" is the thing she identified as denied when anger is suppressed. Also she talked about enneagrams and type ones (tho I'm type three) which was really fun to see in a book. Lastly there was some little scale of anger I cannot remember them all but the first two were impatience and irritation and I think it's so important (for me) to be able to identify that I am feeling anger even when it's just those first two because (like with envy!) if I can’t identify my emotion I can't process and deal with the matter - in this case, my needs! also, the thought "having this anger is better than being complacent" might bring a bit of helpful peace.)
9) SADNESS: believing sadness to be sinful, we deny our own feelings
(super interesting that sadness used to be an 8th sin that augustine (i think) identified. this is a chapter in which the harm that the patriarchy causes to men also becomes very evident. Loehnen also includes more spirituality in this chapter i think? this book is ultimately very specific to her but clearly I found ideas in it that I agree are worth sharing.)

two book easter eggs for myself (when this author references books i've read): Bird by Bird by Anne Lamott, and Braiding Sweetgrass by Robin Kimmerer - on the topic of reciprocity! LOVE it. Loehnen talked to a ton of people and did a ton of research for this book and it shows.

I will definitely be reflecting on and healing and growing with this book in mind for a long while. It was really just a bold statement and explication of many facts and feelings that I along with many other women, broadly, have probably felt as true for a long time. It wasn't marketed as a self help book, which is good because I think that would've made me wary. It's more of an exploration, and I love to explore! And you can take and leave as you see fit. At the end of the day, I think this book can help you step back and start making decisions for yourself for your own good and not as our flawed society dictates. Loehnen is a super self-aware writer and I really did enjoy the reading process. Shoutout to my prof/mentor Molly for recommending it. Also, I like how the top review for this book on goodreads (at least as of rn) was left by a man. good for him.

[Em · Rating 5 out of 5]

Elise Loehnen was previously the chief content officer of goop and has co-written twelve books including five New York Times bestsellers. I was so excited to learn about her upcoming release.

In On Our Best Behavior: The Seven Deadly Sins and The Price Women Pay to Be Good, Loehnen provides her readers with a thorough history lesson on what the seven deadly sins are and where they originated from. She provides us with an understanding of the ways human beings are socialized and the cultural conditioning that informs the customs we live by. She reminds us that everything we've been taught and every belief we internalize as truth must be challenged and critically analyzed lest we perpetuate further harm towards ourselves and others. The seven deadly sins place unrealistic and violent cultural expectations on women that have negative outcomes for our mental health and ability to live life on our own terms. Loehnen points out how the narratives of the seven deadly sins (sloth; envy; pride; gluttony; greed; lust; and anger) actually separate us as human beings from our true nature and have taught us to deny ourselves and our impulses. She doesn't argue that we should be led by these impulses but that we should be aware of them and not deny them. That in order to live an authentic life we must integrate these needs and understand them as a part of who we are and what they have to teach us.

In Loehnen's words: "We need to process the ways in which the legacy of "goodness," defined as purity and abnegation, continues to both limit and torment us."

While analyzing history, fairy tales, myths, folklore, religion, and much more, Loehnen provides us with an important argument around how owning our desire leads to wholeness and a rich human experience not a sinful one.

Thank you to the author and publisher for the e-arc copy!

[taylor hagen · Rating 5 out of 5]

absolutely brilliant in every sense of the word. so thankful to have come across this title when i did. i encourage everyone to get their hands on this title. it’s truly changed my life, and one of the best books i have read this year if not in my lifetime.

[Vicki]

I have a strongly-held no DNF rule, because I think there's something to learn even in books I dislike. That said, as soon as the term 'divine feminine energy' was said with a straight face, I knew I had to pull the rip cord on this one.

[Iris L · Rating 3 out of 5]

Este libro es sumamente informativo. Puede llegar a ser muy interesante viéndolo desde una perspectiva feminista pero razonablemente creo que es un libro que habla de un tema humano en general.
La forma en la que la religion ha moldeado lo que son los pecados capitales me voló la mente, el contexto histórico, los estereotipos generacionales, las culpas, los temores todo lo que la autora confronta es muy interesante.

También hay que ver el lado cultural que influye en esta doctrina que se nos ha plantado (en mi caso) desde pequeños. ¿Quien hizo la medida con la que se determina si mi descanso es una necesidad física o si es mera pereza y por qué esta tan mal vista? ¿En que se basa la línea que divide mi hambre o mi gula y quien determina que se me deba castigar por mis necesidades alimenticias? o ¿en que momento mis metas se vuelven avaricia?
Creo que ha sido una lectura que hace conexión con muchas otras que he leído este año, ha sido una gran influencia en cómo he visto mi vida en estas últimas semanas y si bien ya hace años que no practico ninguna religión creo que este libro dio por cerrada mi relación con esos dogmas.

Considero esta lectura informativa, es lenta al ir atravesándola, la autora tiene su ideología y sus fundamentos propios. En ratos se volvió extensa y repetitiva pero hay mucho material que vale. 3.5⭐️

[Madeline Martin · Rating 4 out of 5]

This was an interesting concept tying the seven deadly sins to how women are perceived, treated, and persecuted while also detailing the history behind the attached prejudices. This information was fascinating and had some of author's own personal experiences included. As a woman, some of the topics detailed certainly did hit home.

The author narrated this audiobook.

[Lorie]

This is 10 🌟s

[Carly · Rating 5 out of 5]

I want everyone I know to read this book and talk to me about it. It doesn’t go too deep into the history of Christianity, but the parts it includes are fascinating about how the decisions of a few men hundreds of years ago essentially shaped how we view sin even today.

Each chapter tackles a different one of the seven deadly sins, and while not every chapter resonated strongly with me, the ones that did really hit deep. The realizations I had while reading those chapters have given me an increased sense of agency, which is a pretty powerful effect for a single book to have.

It also made me challenge the unconscious biases that I hold towards women who are more liberated than I am from the impossible expectation to always be “good enough,” even when that includes denying the parts of ourselves that make us human.

A good summarizing quote from the final chapter: “To reclaim my selfhood, I needed to grant myself permission to credit and celebrate myself (and explore my pride), pleasure myself (and allow my lust), feed and secure myself (and permit my gluttony and greed), assert my needs (and listen to my anger), relax and rest (and indulge sloth), and determine exactly what I wanted and then go after it (and make use of my envy).”

[Zen · Rating 2 out of 5]

I just really don't like the authors voice when writing.

[Tara Schuster · Rating 5 out of 5]

Elise is one of the smartest people on issues like this and her book is a MUST for anyone who feels like they have to be "good" to be loved, respected, and seen.

[Shalana]

DNF'ing at 32%. It's written by a white woman for white women...which I am not. That's not to say every book I read I have to connect with deeply. But even at 30% there was no acknowledgement that the experiences of women of color differ from that of white women. I didn't have any expectation of her writing in detail on the topic, I actually would prefer she not. But to simply ignore that fact made it clear that I wasn't her target audience.

[aditi mahajan · Rating 5 out of 5]

honestly it was fire it was so interesting and i learned sooooooo much and every word she said resonated. however it is also unbelievably long and reads like a textbook at times it just didn’t excite me but i am not going to blame the book for it because it was exactly what i signed up for

would recommend to everyone