aka, “BLOOD: THE BLOODENING”
I don’t normally do summary-style reviews, but there’s a first time for everything, and my brain is too exhausted from all the BLOOD and mid-tier edge to come up with anything wise or profound.
So buckle up, buttercup, because it’s time to experience the greatest crossover fanfiction to ever escape the annals of Wattpad a publishing house.
Our heroine is Ava, a wannabe Hot Topic girl who likes the color black and not much else (she doesn’t like red—red reminds her too much of BLOOD). Ava lives with her foster mother—sorry, her “foster-whatever”—Deb, Deb’s son Jacob, and Parker, her younger brother, who is the only thing she likes as much as Black Veil Brides or Invader Zim (probably). Or at least, she claims she does—she seems to want Parker to be just as miserable as she is and gets really upset when Deb has the audacity to buy them new clothes or feed them a homemade dinner. Their dad died in a mugging and their mom kicked it soon afterward when she was killed by a vampire. It’s very tragic and awful and absolutely absolves Ava of all guilt for the way she treats everyone else in her life.
Ava spends her days rolling her eyes at her grody foster-whatevers and walking around at night with homemade stakes looking for vampires like some sort of middle school-aged Bleach fan. She’s invited out of nowhere to join a troupe of magicians who are also vampire hunters, and she accepts because her foster-whatever is a total drag and her parents were stage magicians. Also she’s 17 and she can run away to join the circus if she wants to, because she’s a grown-up, so screw you, Deb.
The troupe consists of a bunch of forgettable cliches—there’s some creepy twins, a pair of lesbians who I do not remember a single other thing about because why write real rep when you can beat the same joke about lesbians and Lara Croft to death for 400 pages?, and a sexy firebender named Aristelle who is Sassy™ and hates her for no real reason. Also there’s Xander. Xander has green hair, hits on everything that moves, and does not ever wear a shirt, which automatically makes him unbearably attractive.
Their magic is really good, but Ava knows it’s not REAL magic because REAL magic doesn’t exist. It’s a publicly known fact in this universe that vampires exist, but magic? That just wouldn’t make sense.
A lot of infodumping later and we learn that real magic is a thing along with vampires, and magicians and vampires are pretty much the same thing or come from the same thing because their magic is in their BLOOD but the vampires are different because they’re vampires. It doesn’t really make much sense, but that’s okay, because neither does the rest of the book. Don’t think too hard about it, just focus on the fact that Xander doesn’t have a shirt. It’s just not there. I cannot overstate this, Xander is shirtless.
The troupe is in a competition to win some magic BLOOD jewellery that makes their new troupe member immortal. Or something like that. I forget. Also if they lose one of their members has to leave the troupe forever. Ava thinks this sounds very logical and not at all like she’s missing vital information, and decides to join despite the fact all she knows how to do is flip a quarter around. The competition takes place in a big mansion that no else in town seems to have noticed exists.
The leader of all the magicians is this guy named Lucius. He has long silver-blonde hair and is very fancy and very snobby. I hear Jason Isaacs has been optioned to play him in the inevitable blockbuster Netflix adaptation. Lucius has this mysterious silent girlfriend with a name very similar to Aristelle, so I don’t remember what it is, and it doesn’t really matter, because she doesn’t play a part in the plot at all.
There’s also a bunch of other magicians competing with Ava for the BLOOD jewellery. There’s this guy Ethan who likes guns, a Manic Pixie Dream Hippie named Willow (yes, really) who controls plants, a shapeshifter named Nadine or Nadia (there are characters with both names and I do not remember or care who is who), and some other people who are brought up and then immediately abandoned. Don’t worry about them, they’re not important.
(We also meet Willow’s trainer, a brooding sad-sack named Roman who is a jerk to everyone and doesn’t seem to want his apprentice to win. This makes him, too, unbearably attractive.
Also he’s a vampire.)
What is important is that this competition is Very Important and Very Dangerous but also don’t worry, no one is really getting cut in half or dragged through the floor! It’s all an ILLUSION! Or is it? Basically what we’re talking about here is Caraval except…no, actually, that’s exactly what it is. It’s Caraval . Except it sucks.
The competition has no real structure and is basically just a montage of every YA competition over the last 20 years. The Goblet of Fire hedge maze is in there, and so is plenty of Throne of Glass -esque tests and badly described combat.
We’re just along for the ride as Fuston throws BLOOD everywhere and comes up with a bunch of nonsensical world-building that isn’t very well explained but somehow forms the backbone of the entire plot. Like in order to feed the mansion or the magic or whatever you have to go to this ceremony and spill BLOOD all over the place. It’s very BLOODY and very edgy.
After about 200 pages of repetitive nonsense, Ava decides that maybe all the BLOOD rituals and people disappearing is a little fishy, and after some digging she discovers that her mother was the most powerful magician in the world and also the first magician ever to exist and also immortal, and this means she too is the most powerful magician ever to exist, despite the fact that all she can really do is flip knives and make coins disappear.
But hold on, because we need to throw another fandom into the mix—Darth Vader, I mean Lucius Malfoy, I mean Lucius, is actually Ava’s father! Shock! Surprise! EDGE!
Ava also learns that Darth Malfoy has a giant garden of vines that somehow no one else has ever seen and that’s where he puts people who lose the competition. He sticks them on the vines like a fabulous Vlad The Impaler so that their BLOOD can feed the mansion. Or the magic. Or do something. Look, there’s a lot of mentions of BLOOD in this book, I can’t keep straight what all of it does.
But Ava can’t be bothered by that right now, she needs to get back to the magician Hunger Games and defeat her mortal enemy, Ethan the Pistol Man. She has a couple magic fights with Ethan, gets mortally wounded a few times (it’s okay, she’s fine) while Xander and Roman fight over her, and then Roman finally kills Ethan in the last match because Ava couldn’t bring herself to do it, but this counts as Ava winning anyway because hey, this is Cruel Illusions. If you want logic, you’re in the wrong book.
Also someone slits Ethan’s throat so that his BLOOD gets all over Ava and she gets an Epic Power Up. It’s super gnarly.
At some point during all this she discovers that the troupe she joined doesn’t actually care about her and only wanted her because she’s Incredibly Powerful (but also can’t win a single fight without outside help) and also her shirtless crush Xander has been secretly dating Aristelle the Firebender this whole time! She’s actually like 50 years old and he’s 17 but it’s okay because she’s immortal and trapped in a sexy 16 year old body, and also she’s a girl. If she were a guy it would be gross. Anyway. Betrayal! Tragedy! HEARTBREAK!
Ava decides to go stop Lucius with Roman because—well, I forget why. He’s evil or something, he killed her mother and father or had his estranged brother who is also a vampire do it, something like that. It doesn’t matter what exactly he’s doing that’s so bad, he’s EVIL and only Ava, the most powerful Main Character in the world, can stop him! So Roman and Ava do…something? but then Lucius captures Roman and tells Ava she has to kill him. And he makes all the magicians gather around in a bunch of boats in the middle of a lake to watch. But Ava attacks Lucius instead and kicks off this big battle scene where everyone is suddenly in the middle of the evil BLOOD garden and fighting a bunch of vampires who just showed up. Also the big bad vampire Numeral or Numa Numa or whatever shows up and Ava and Darth Malfoy have to fight him together. But it’s okay because Ava still kills Lucius. She takes Lucius’s magic BLOOD crown (which he wasn’t wearing until now) and her mother’s magic BLOOD necklace and gets all blinged out, which gives her another Epic Power Up from the magic in all the BLOOD everywhere and the evil scary vines go away and everyone who was impaled on them for decades is okay again. She frees magic, which was apparently trapped this whole time despite everyone using it left and right, and all is well in the world of vampire-hunting magicians. Except that now no one is very powerful anymore or immortal. So yay? I guess? Look, that part was honestly pretty murky.
Ava decides her foster-whatever isn’t so grody after all and she and Roman go back home, but not before she forgives all the troupe members who manipulated and lied to her and nearly got her killed. They eat pizza and watch The NeverEnding Story (I swear Fuston is screwing with us.) for about ten pages before the curtains close on the most epic story of magic and BLOOD ever put to the page.
I am not entirely convinced this book was a legitimate attempt. I have a theory that it’s actually the result of a dare or a bet, in which Fuston was challenged to combine Caraval, Twilight , Harry Potter , and The Hunger Games into one book and attempt to get it published, and it backfired. It’s the only reasonable explanation. However, nothing can explain why FairyLoot would choose to include this book, nor why I would spend a month trying to finish it.
Cruel Illusions ? More like Cruel….yeah, I’ve got nothing.