The Joy of Imperfect Love: The Art of Creating Healthy, Securely Attached Relationships

by Carla Marie Manly

Embracing the messiness of real love, The Joy of Imperfect Love explores attachment issues and personal growth, uncovering the secrets to lasting, joy-filled connections.

Stuck in unhealthy relationship dynamics? Yearning to find (or be) that perfect someone? Can you accept someone while also wanting them to grow? The key to healthy relationships is accepting that real love is messy, imperfect, and a work in progress!

Clinical psychologist Dr. Carla Marie Manly’s The Joy of Imperfect Love guides readers on a transformative journey of compassionate, healthy love. With research-backed insights, captivating case studies, and empowering exercises, readers explore how attachment issues and unresolved personal issues negatively impact both self-love and the quality of our relationships. Dr. Manly offers sound solutions for creating the awareness and healthy habits that promote lasting love. Readers will breathe a sigh of deep relief as they discover the doable, real-life secrets to creating joy-filled relationships and genuine, imperfect love.

Genres: Self Help, Nonfiction

392 pages, Paperback

Published March 5, 2024

About the author

Dr. Carla Marie Manly—clinical psychologist, author, and podcaster—is based in Sonoma County, California. With a refreshingly direct and honest approach—plus a dose of humor—Dr. Manly enjoys supporting others in the ever-evolving journey of life. Her novel self-development paradigm builds resilience, emotional intelligence, and self-esteem. Highlighting the importance of loving connection, her work also focuses on helping others create deeply connected and satisfying intimate relationships. Host of the captivating podcast, Imperfect Love, Dr. Manly offers uplifting guidance on navigating the messy road of life. Working from a transformative model that honors the body-mind-spirit connection, she also offers holistic relationship and wellness seminars around the world. In addition, Dr. Manly is deeply invested in her roles as a mental health consultant and speaker. An award-winning author, her books, The Joy of Imperfect Love, Date Smart, Joy from Fear, and Aging Joyfully highlight her empowering approach and profound expertise. Dr. Manly's expertise is also regularly cited in media outlets including The Wall Street Journal, The New York Times, The Los Angeles Times, USA Today, Forbes, Oprah, Newsweek, NBC, HuffPost, Reader’s Digest, Psychology Today, Parade, GQ, Women’s Health, Architectural Digest, Men’s Health, and more.

Reviews

[Reader · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is inspiring and helps get to the core of issues that get in the way of building healthy relationships or just opening your eyes that nothing is or needs to be perfect. There's a lot of guidance and direction that helps with real change. It's a life-changer for sure. This book is so wonderful I purchased 10 more for friends and family members. Dr Manly thank you so much for enlightening our world that imperfection is not so bad but rather good.

[Caldonia J · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is not a typical "revise your relationships" sort of book you might imagine it to be. There is true, practical advise that can be applied to every relationship you hold, even the most important one, with yourself. Whether you want to spend some meaningful time looking inward, or are reading this to help clarify your values and boundaries with others, there is so much information to apply to the various aspects of life. I was looking to better create my own happiness within my relationships and the imperfect love approach was eye-opening, allowing for grace with yourself and others.

[William · Rating 5 out of 5]

Wow! I love this author's work. She is detailed, genuine and an exceptional writer about important topics. This book was fantastic and confirmed with research the importance of loving self and working though issues to promote effective attachment. This book is a must have!

[Jasmine Alexander · Rating 5 out of 5]

Dr. Manly did it again! This woman is truly magnificent! Her words of wisdom regarding love and relationships are based on real life and not on fantasy or fairytales which is something we all grow up believing to be true. Dr. Manly explains how we are ALL imperfect, and that there is no such thing as a perfect love. Everything is imperfect, and we need to change our mindsets when it comes to relationships and who we forge our relationships with. As long as our partners are trying and doing their best, as we should be, it's worth doing the work. A definite must read for everyone!

[Hope · Rating 5 out of 5]

A treasure box of tools! This book provides a sense of gratitude that you are not alone and validates that real love can be complicated. It provides exceptional advice on how to grow and individuate while in love. It guides you to understand that challenges can promote self discovery and growth within a relationship if the intention is to evolve.

[Ellie L · Rating 5 out of 5]

I love how this book gets to the heart of love. The author takes time to build your understanding of what it takes to make a healthy relationship starting with loving yourself. I didn't want to put it down and am going to read it again and do more work on the exercises. My thanks to Dr. Manly for the support and inspiration.

[Shanti M · Rating 5 out of 5]

TERRIFIC! This book helped me understand why I've been struggling for so many years with family issues and dating problems. The exercises are super helpful in getting me started on the work ahead. I finally have hope. Thanks.

[Tracy Gold · Rating 5 out of 5]

A compelling, compassionate, and helpful book for anyone who finds themselves struggling either inside a relationship, outside of a relationship, or simply looking to improve their relationships beyond where they currently are. While the book does focus on those in or looking for romantic relationships, I also took away a lot of interesting concepts for my relationship with my self, my friends, my family members, and my own child.

I was particularly compelled by the many compassionate, caring case studies portrayed in the book. (I want more updates on where those people are now!) Dr. Manly poses many questions and exercises that will make you think more deeply about how your concepts of love and perfection function in your life.


Thank you to Dr. Manley for the advanced review copy!

[kitty]

DNF @ 21%

Unfortunately I wasn’t able to finish this book and I believe it’s because of the fact that I am very picky with books especially non-fiction ones. I haven’t read many self-discovery/self-help books but I was interested in reading this as I personally have issues with developing relationships and secure attachments.

The first chapter was scientific and provided a lot of information on the science of love and how important it is to receive at an early age to form healthy attachments and for optimal growth development. It included research and studies conducted by professors however I felt it was a bit overwhelming for me and found myself skimming through the pages.

The book includes patient case studies which allows you to realise that you are not alone when it comes to dealing with certain issues but I found that it did take up a good chunk of what I did end up reading and didn’t really offer anything to me besides sitting in on a conversation between a patient and their consultant.

There are definitely people out there who would benefit from reading this especially if they would like insight into what makes a relationship truly secure and healthy and how to personally improve their self-love but in the end it just wasn’t for me.

Thank you to netgalley and Familius for the ARC in exchange for an honest review ✨

[Angelica]

The Joys of Imperfect Love seeks to make the reader self aware. It seeks to push the reader to define what love is for them personally, to look at their relationships with their parents and examples of love they had modeled for them and decide if that’s the type of love they want for themselves going forward. If not, it helps the reader self-parent to provide the love they never had. 



For those of us who had varying degrees of different types of love, it was quite eye opening. I saw myself in many of the case studies and was grateful that I didn’t see myself in others. 

I’ve done a lot of reading and thinking on my own, so I may be more self aware than the average person my age, which gave me an appreciation for this book. It also introduced me to the author who is a trained clinical psychologist who hosts a podcast and offers other valuable resources and tools on her website so that her guidance and teaching can remain with me long after I’ve finished the book. 



The only part I didn’t love was that it reads as if parents that are addicts are incapable of love and in my experience, my addict parent was much more loving and supportive than the parent who was completely healthy. However, I understand as a whole that this probably isn’t the case for most parents with an addiction. I just hate the notion that if you struggle with something yourself you’re incapable of love because for me the fact that my dad couldn’t save his own life, couldn’t love himself, but loved me so much is the purest form of love there is. 


There's comfort in knowing you're not alone in what you're experiencing and it felt good to have my feelings about my parents and childhood validated and explained, especially my mom who demonstrates "false love."

[Books Review · Rating 5 out of 5]

In "The Joy of Imperfect Love," Dr. Carla Marie Manly explores the profound, often misunderstood concept of love, advocating for its acceptance in its inherently flawed form. She argues convincingly that the pursuit of perfection in love is not only futile but also detrimental to our psychological well-being and the health of our relationships. Drawing on her extensive clinical experience and personal journey, Dr. Manly delves into the nuanced dynamics of self-love, romantic love, and interpersonal relationships.

The book is structured in a way that guides the reader through a journey of self-discovery and healing, emphasizing the importance of embracing one's imperfections to cultivate genuine, lasting relationships. Dr. Manly uses a combination of theoretical insights, practical advice, and relatable anecdotes to illustrate how embracing imperfection can lead to a more fulfilling and authentic experience of love.

Her writing style is both accessible and empathetic, making complex psychological concepts understandable and relevant to a broad audience. Dr. Manly’s emphasis on self-awareness and personal growth is particularly compelling, offering a path to self-love that acknowledges and integrates the imperfect nature of human existence.

"The Joy of Imperfect Love" serves as both a guide and a companion in the quest for a deeper understanding of love in its most authentic form. It challenges the cultural narratives that idealize perfection in love and relationships, offering instead a more compassionate, realistic approach to connecting with oneself and others.

I highly recommend this book to anyone interested in exploring the depths of love beyond the superficial portrayals often found in media and societal expectations. It is a thoughtful, enlightening read that promises to transform the way we think about love, imperfection, and the interconnectedness of our relationships.

[Arash Farzaneh · Rating 5 out of 5]

Many of us get caught up in or drawn to the illusive concept of perfection. It is an abstract term, which is not only extremely difficult (one could say even impossible) to reach and live up to, but it can have serious detrimental effects and repercussions on our mental, emotional, physical, and spiritual health in addition to that of our loved ones. This book beautifully and wonderfully captures and celebrates “imperfect” (that is real, concrete, authentic) love; it is not a sterile or stagnant notion but a lived and living human experience, which is unique and endearing precisely because of its minor flaws and imperfections.

Regardless of whether you are looking for a relationship or are already in one, this book will not only help you better understand and appreciate the beauty of living, being, and growing with another person but also help you navigate through the turbulent and stormy seas of your personal relationships. It offers deep wisdom and insight coupled with real-life examples and actionable tips and suggestions.

Yet, one thing will be at the forefront: to have authentic loving relationships, you need to set the tone by treating yourself well via generous helpings of self-care and self-knowledge, so the rest can follow, and this precious book can help you in that regard as well!

[Emily Erickson · Rating 4 out of 5]

The Joy of Imperfect Love is built around a reassuring concept: Love doesn’t have to be perfect to be good enough. From this regulating thought, the author goes deep with the skills and ideas that support providing imperfect love to one's self and in romantic relationships.

Imperfect love cabochons at the beginning of each chapter give a little welcome TL;DR skimmability to an otherwise dense text (If, like me, you don’t know what a cabochon is, I looked it up for us: It’s a shaped and polished gemstone that’s not faceted). I also appreciated the vignettes in each chapter and the appendix packed with practical self-guided exercises.

Recommended for those interested in self-help; relationships; and increasing self-knowledge, self-awareness, and self-love.

Thank you to Ascot Media Group for the review copy.

[Luciana Negri · Rating 5 out of 5]

The Joy of Imperfect Love" by Dr. Carla Marie Manly is a profound and enlightening exploration of real love and its imperfections. This book not only debunks the myths of perfect relationships but also provides an enlightened pathway to personal growth and meaningful connections through the acceptance of the messiness that accompanies true love. With an engaging mix of case studies and practical exercises, grounded in solid research, Manly offers a transformative perspective on how attachment issues and unresolved personal issues can affect self-love and the quality of our relationships. This book is an essential guide for anyone seeking to create healthy habits and foster long-lasting, joy-filled love, embracing the imperfections that make love genuine and ever-evolving.

[Julie Costa · Rating 5 out of 5]

Dr. Carla Marie Manly's 'The Joy of Imperfect Love' is a compassionate and insightful guide to navigating the complexities of modern relationships. With empathy and expertise, Dr. Manly explores the ways in which attachment issues and unresolved personal issues can impact our ability to both give and receive love. Through relatable case studies and practical exercises, she offers readers a roadmap for cultivating healthier, more fulfilling connections. This book is a powerful reminder that true love is not about perfection, but rather about embracing the messy, imperfect journey of growth and self-discovery. A must-read for anyone seeking to deepen their understanding of love and cultivate more meaningful relationships.

[Cody Smith · Rating 5 out of 5]

Most self-help books lack any supporting evidence or scientific proof. They also don't provide frameworks that allow the reader to act on the material presented to them and that they (hopefully) subsequently learned. The Joy of Imperfect Love manages to accomplish both clearly and concisely, equipping the reader to better themselves and their relationships. As a reader who enjoys empirical evidence alongside recommendations, I wholeheartedly recommend this book to anyone looking to better themselves.

[Fernanda · Rating 5 out of 5]

Very enlightening. this book helped me embrace my imperfections and realize that a perfectly imperfect relationship is the best thing one can hope for. I discovered Dr. Carla through the 'Imperfect Love' podcast, which profoundly changed my perspective on all types of relationships, not just romantic ones. I've become more open to people I previously thought were too different from me, and this has made me a better person.

[Jessica Speer · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book explores the complexities of love in romantic relationships. Through case studies, science, and exercises, Imperfect Love helps readers better understand themselves and their significant others. I especially love how the author emphasizes compassion for self and our partners. I highly recommend it for people hoping to repair or deepen their relationships!

[Terri · Rating 5 out of 5]

Creating healthy and secure relationships, the goal in life! This is the second book of Dr. Manly's that I have read and it did NOT disappoint! She touched on experiences that hit close to home with all of my relationships- family, friends, co-workers. Her knowledge and expertise make this book relatable, comforting and it also gives you tools to use, so you can be successful in finding happiness and security in all the important relationships in your life. Thank you Carla, for another exceptional read!

[Paul Ciardiello · Rating 5 out of 5]

Just the book everyone needs to read. Takes a deep and honest look at the imperfect nature of us all and how we can manifest a deep meaningful relationship while setting realistic expectations of what we expect from our partner.

[Genevieve Moran · Rating 5 out of 5]

A TRULY WONDERFUL BOOK! The concepts in this book are so powerful. The focus on attachment is incredibly beneficial. I am learning so much about how to improve my relationships by shifting my mindset! So helpful for my personal growth and my marriage!

[Nina Cerfolio · Rating 5 out of 5]

There are great concepts and practical advice in this inspiring book to improve relationships. Dr. Carla Marie Manly guides you to embrace challenges to promote growth and expansion. Highly recommend this book.

[Cali Wells · Rating 5 out of 5]

Such a great find. If you're looking for an informative book to clarify all things relationships and self-love, this is it. It's been a great one to pass along to friends too, just anyone that could you an affirming guide to a better love for yourself and those you surround yourself with.

[Dante · Rating 5 out of 5]

Dr Carla Marie Manly does an amazing job in explaining the core concept on accepting who you are, but still holding you accountable that you are a work in progress. Her kind words help guide you in ways to do that, things you can apply on your daily life. A must read!

[Adam · Rating 5 out of 5]

Good book. It's applicable to most of us out there who have struggled in our relationships or want to understand more about the people we date and who we are. Highly recommend.

[Carla Manly · Rating 5 out of 5]

This amazing, honest review by a wonderful psychologist and medical practitioner says it all:
Dr. Carla’s new book, The Joy of Imperfect Love, is a game-changer. Her ground-breaking concept of imperfect love gives us and our romantic partners room to be authentic and ever-learning. Most of our beliefs about love are formed on an unconscious level when we are very young and highly impressionable. Whether we see ourselves as lovable or others as trustworthy, whether we keep a self-protective wall between our partners or want to merge with them for a happily ever after, all stem from our early observations and imprints. Dr. Carla masterfully reveals that most of us need to peel off limiting concepts and beliefs about love and re-learn what it means for us to love somebody with authenticity–and, therefore, imperfection. -Dr. Friedemann Schaub, M.D., PhD, and author

[Nicolas Olaya · Rating 5 out of 5]

Carla's book truly is a must-read. Her expertise isn't just about theories and concepts; it's about real-life understanding

[Shelley · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is a warm, generous and insightful book that illuminates love and relationships in a beautiful and realistic way.