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Our New Social Life: Science-Backed Strategies for Creating Meaningful Connection
A fascinating introduction to the science of connection that will ultimately improve your social life and lead to better relationships.
In a world where everything seems to transform in a blink, anyone can suddenly find themselves scrambling for human connection. Someone who has always found it easy to connect can suddenly feel disoriented if they start a new job, move to a new region, or welcome a new member into the family. Others may have always found it difficult to connect, feel they've outgrown their circles, or may feel dissatisfied for a range of other reasons.
In Our New Social Life, social connection and happiness experts Natalie Kerr and Jaime Kurtz explain the science behind these struggles and steer us toward timeless skills to overcome these challenges. Unlike much of the guidance found online, this book is based on decades of research, which the authors make accessible and useful to the reader, and offers tools for introverts and extraverts alike. Whether the barriers to connection are a function of modern life--such as being distracted by our devices, feeling overworked, and living far away from loved ones--or are more timeless--such as simply not knowing how to connect, misunderstanding the thoughts and feelings of others, undervaluing moments of solitude, and avoiding the sort of vulnerability that creates deep bonds--this book offers hope, encouragement, and relatability to help readers have a richer and more vibrant social life.
In a world where everything seems to transform in a blink, anyone can suddenly find themselves scrambling for human connection. Someone who has always found it easy to connect can suddenly feel disoriented if they start a new job, move to a new region, or welcome a new member into the family. Others may have always found it difficult to connect, feel they've outgrown their circles, or may feel dissatisfied for a range of other reasons.
In Our New Social Life, social connection and happiness experts Natalie Kerr and Jaime Kurtz explain the science behind these struggles and steer us toward timeless skills to overcome these challenges. Unlike much of the guidance found online, this book is based on decades of research, which the authors make accessible and useful to the reader, and offers tools for introverts and extraverts alike. Whether the barriers to connection are a function of modern life--such as being distracted by our devices, feeling overworked, and living far away from loved ones--or are more timeless--such as simply not knowing how to connect, misunderstanding the thoughts and feelings of others, undervaluing moments of solitude, and avoiding the sort of vulnerability that creates deep bonds--this book offers hope, encouragement, and relatability to help readers have a richer and more vibrant social life.
184 pages, Hardcover
Published January 7, 2025
6 people are currently reading
2795 people want to read
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Displaying 1 - 9 of 9 reviews
May 31, 2025
"We have a confession to make.
We are two social psychologists who have spent decades exploring the complexities of social life. We’ve shared our knowledge with thousands of students, as well as with audiences of teachers, health care providers, retirees, and conference attendees. From what we’ve learned and from what
we’ve lived, we know that one of the biggest contributors to a happy and healthy life is the quality of our social connections. It is this core belief that got us here, writing this book, to share what we have learned with you."
Our New Social Life was an interesting look into the topic. I was looking for something a bit different from the books I typically read, so I bumped this one up in my list when I came across it.
Co-author Natalie Kerr, Ph.D., is a social psychologist and award-winning professor at James Madison University, where she studies social connection and loneliness. Her work has been published in journals such as the Journal of Applied Social Psychology, Journal of Social and Clinical Psychology, Personality and Individual Differences, and Social Influence.
Natalie Kerr:
The authors write with a lively style, and I found the book to be decently readable. It won't struggle to hold the picky reader's attention. I also found it to have good formatting. It is broken into well-delineated chapters, and each chapter into blurbs with relevant headers at the top. I generally do well with books formatted like this.
In this short quote, the authors lay out the book's aim:
Although the title of the book is somewhat ambiguous, I was pleased to find that most of the writing in the book proper was science-based. The authors cover many different studies from psychology and social psychology. As well, they drop a few case studies to illustrate their points. I enjoyed this, and also felt it worked here.
The book is broken into 7 chapters. They are:
1. Social by Nature: Why Connection Is an Essential Need
2. Recipe for Disconnection: How the Norms of Modern Life Are
Pulling Us Apart
3. A Distorted Reality: Seeing the Social World through Our Personal
Filter
4. Faulty Mind-Reading: Why We Underestimate Others’ Desire to
Connect
5. Liking, Demystified: Why Making Connections Can Be
Surprisingly Simple
6. Beyond Casual Connection: The Rules and Rewards of Building
Intimacy
7. Connection on Demand: How to Feel Connected Even When We’re
Alone
Although the material presented here was very well done, for the most part, the authors peppered their writing with assorted nonsense leftist terms like "marginalized groups." They say the book is for everyone: "Females, males, and nonbinary people." I'm sorry if I'm the first person to tell these women that human beings are a sexually dimorphic, sexually reproducing species, with just 2 default phenotypes.
********************
Aside from my minor gripe about the addition of superfluous mindless leftist newspeak, the book was still a decent read.
I would recommend it
4.5 stars.
We are two social psychologists who have spent decades exploring the complexities of social life. We’ve shared our knowledge with thousands of students, as well as with audiences of teachers, health care providers, retirees, and conference attendees. From what we’ve learned and from what
we’ve lived, we know that one of the biggest contributors to a happy and healthy life is the quality of our social connections. It is this core belief that got us here, writing this book, to share what we have learned with you."
Our New Social Life was an interesting look into the topic. I was looking for something a bit different from the books I typically read, so I bumped this one up in my list when I came across it.
Co-author Natalie Kerr, Ph.D., is a social psychologist and award-winning professor at James Madison University, where she studies social connection and loneliness. Her work has been published in journals such as the Journal of Applied Social Psychology, Journal of Social and Clinical Psychology, Personality and Individual Differences, and Social Influence.
Natalie Kerr:
The authors write with a lively style, and I found the book to be decently readable. It won't struggle to hold the picky reader's attention. I also found it to have good formatting. It is broken into well-delineated chapters, and each chapter into blurbs with relevant headers at the top. I generally do well with books formatted like this.
In this short quote, the authors lay out the book's aim:
"In this book, we will shed light on seven key barriers to social connection —each corresponding to a different chapter—and offer research-based strategies for removing them. Some of these strategies might seem obvious (although we suspect that they are often easier to understand than they are to execute), but others might surprise you. (For example, did you know that meditating can help you feel more socially connected, even when you’re doing it alone?) The strategies in the book can help you live a more connected life, and they might also help you live a longer life. As we’ll see, research shows that your feelings of connection are a significant predictor of how long you’ll live!"
Although the title of the book is somewhat ambiguous, I was pleased to find that most of the writing in the book proper was science-based. The authors cover many different studies from psychology and social psychology. As well, they drop a few case studies to illustrate their points. I enjoyed this, and also felt it worked here.
The book is broken into 7 chapters. They are:
1. Social by Nature: Why Connection Is an Essential Need
2. Recipe for Disconnection: How the Norms of Modern Life Are
Pulling Us Apart
3. A Distorted Reality: Seeing the Social World through Our Personal
Filter
4. Faulty Mind-Reading: Why We Underestimate Others’ Desire to
Connect
5. Liking, Demystified: Why Making Connections Can Be
Surprisingly Simple
6. Beyond Casual Connection: The Rules and Rewards of Building
Intimacy
7. Connection on Demand: How to Feel Connected Even When We’re
Alone
Although the material presented here was very well done, for the most part, the authors peppered their writing with assorted nonsense leftist terms like "marginalized groups." They say the book is for everyone: "Females, males, and nonbinary people." I'm sorry if I'm the first person to tell these women that human beings are a sexually dimorphic, sexually reproducing species, with just 2 default phenotypes.
********************
Aside from my minor gripe about the addition of superfluous mindless leftist newspeak, the book was still a decent read.
I would recommend it
4.5 stars.
March 12, 2025
The book "Our New Social Life" by Natalie K. Lawrence, Natalie Kerr, and Jaime Kurtz explores the necessity of human connection and how modern life often undermines it. It presents a deep examination of the biological, psychological, and social factors that influence our ability to form meaningful relationships. The discussion starts by highlighting the growing sense of isolation in today's digitally connected world, where interactions often lack depth despite technological advancements. The authors argue that while we may appear socially engaged, the quality of our interactions has diminished, leaving us yearning for something more substantial. This book delves into the science of human connection, demonstrating that our social needs are as essential as food and water, and it provides strategies to foster deeper and more fulfilling relationships.
Scientific research reveals that humans are hardwired for social bonds. The brain processes social pain, such as rejection or loneliness, in the same way it perceives physical pain. This connection between emotional and physical distress underscores the necessity of social interaction for overall well-being. Extreme cases, such as survival show participants who struggle more with isolation than with physical hardships, reinforce the idea that loneliness is deeply detrimental. The book categorizes social needs into three main types: intimate connections, relational ties, and collective belonging. Intimate connections involve deep bonds with those who provide unwavering emotional support. Relational ties include friendships and family relationships that shape daily life. Collective belonging gives people a sense of identity through communities, groups, and organizations. Each of these components plays a vital role in shaping human well-being.
Despite our innate need for connection, contemporary society often works against it. Many people dedicate less than an hour a day to meaningful social interactions, prioritizing work and responsibilities over relationships. The pervasive influence of technology further complicates matters. The habit of checking phones during conversations, known as 'phubbing,' diminishes the quality of interactions. Studies show that even parents who frequently use their phones around their children experience weakened connections. Instead of completely avoiding technology, the book suggests setting clear boundaries, such as phone-free meals, to create opportunities for genuine interaction. Another major barrier to connection is the culture of busyness, where packed schedules reduce time for meaningful interactions. Interestingly, research indicates that giving time to others can create a sense of abundance rather than scarcity. Outsourcing certain responsibilities can free up time for social interactions, leading to greater fulfillment. Parents, in particular, are often pressured to dedicate all their time to child-rearing, neglecting friendships in the process. However, studies suggest that children develop better social skills when their parents maintain their own friendships, demonstrating the importance of balance.
Social media, while useful for maintaining connections, does not provide the same neurological benefits as in-person interactions. Brain scans reveal that face-to-face conversations activate different neural pathways than digital communication, reinforcing the importance of physical presence. Small adjustments, such as leaving room for unhurried conversations or prioritizing social time, can help counteract the distancing effects of modern life. In addition to external obstacles, internal psychological barriers also prevent deeper connections. One of these is the 'spotlight effect,' in which people overestimate how much others notice them. This leads to self-consciousness and hesitation in social situations. Studies show that individuals believe they are being closely observed when, in reality, others are far less focused on them. Another psychological barrier is the impact of loneliness itself. When people feel lonely, their brains shift into a defensive mode, making them hyperaware of potential social rejection. Neutral actions, such as a delayed response to a message, can be misinterpreted as deliberate rejection. This creates a self-perpetuating cycle where the fear of rejection leads to behaviors that increase isolation.
Recognizing these cognitive biases can help people navigate social situations more effectively. Being aware of the spotlight effect can reduce self-consciousness, making social interactions feel more natural. Additionally, when faced with ambiguous social signals, generating multiple possible explanations instead of assuming the worst can prevent unnecessary misunderstandings. Practicing social mindfulness—being aware of how the mind distorts perceptions—allows for more balanced interactions. Developing this awareness can make individuals more approachable and improve their overall social experiences. The book also highlights key principles that shape human relationships. One such principle is proximity, which significantly influences relationship formation. People naturally bond with those they see regularly. Classic studies on student housing found that individuals living near one another were more likely to form friendships. This pattern extends beyond dormitories to workplaces, neighborhoods, and social circles. Repeated exposure fosters familiarity and trust, making people feel more connected over time.
Similarity is another powerful factor in relationship formation. People are drawn to others who share common interests, backgrounds, or experiences, even in minor ways. Recognizing these small overlaps can make conversations flow more smoothly and create a sense of connection. Implementing these principles in daily life involves creating opportunities for repeated interactions, such as joining regular social groups rather than attending one-time events. Shared environments, like community spaces, facilitate organic interactions that lead to stronger relationships. Another critical component of deepening connections is communication, particularly active listening. When individuals give their full attention to a conversation, remember details, and follow up later, they demonstrate genuine engagement. Studies show that deep conversations synchronize brain activity between individuals, reinforcing emotional bonds. The effectiveness of these strategies lies in their simplicity—showing up consistently, expressing openness, and actively listening create the conditions for meaningful relationships to develop naturally.
Once initial connections are established, strengthening them requires trust and emotional investment. One way to cultivate trust is through gradual vulnerability, where individuals share personal experiences and thoughts at a comfortable pace. Research suggests that controlled self-disclosure increases likability and deepens connections over time. Another essential factor is responsiveness—how people react to others' experiences, particularly positive ones. Studies indicate that celebrating someone’s success with enthusiasm strengthens relationships more than simply offering support in difficult times. This concept, known as 'capitalization,' helps build trust and emotional intimacy. Responding to good news with genuine excitement and follow-up questions fosters a sense of closeness, while neutral or dismissive reactions create distance.
Time investment is another key element in building meaningful relationships. Research shows that casual friendships require around 50 hours of interaction, while deeper friendships take over 200 hours to develop. The focus, however, should not be on counting hours but on making time spent together meaningful. Engaging in shared experiences, particularly new activities, strengthens bonds more effectively than routine interactions. Trying novel experiences together builds trust and creates lasting memories, reinforcing relationships. The common thread in all these strategies is the willingness to move beyond superficial interactions. Being vulnerable, investing time, and celebrating others' successes require conscious effort, but the benefits are substantial. People with strong relationships experience greater happiness, better health, and a stronger sense of purpose. These practices counteract the growing trend of shallow interactions, helping to restore authentic human connection.
The central message of "Our New Social Life" is that social connection is not merely a preference but a fundamental human need, as crucial as food and water. Scientific findings illustrate how deeply wired the brain is for social interaction and how modern life often obstructs it. By understanding the different levels of connection—intimate, relational, and collective—people can navigate their social needs more effectively. Recognizing external barriers such as technology and internal barriers such as cognitive biases allows for practical steps to overcome them. The key to building and maintaining meaningful relationships lies in small, consistent efforts: creating opportunities for regular contact, actively listening, and gradually opening up. These research-backed strategies transform acquaintances into lasting connections that enhance well-being and longevity.
Scientific research reveals that humans are hardwired for social bonds. The brain processes social pain, such as rejection or loneliness, in the same way it perceives physical pain. This connection between emotional and physical distress underscores the necessity of social interaction for overall well-being. Extreme cases, such as survival show participants who struggle more with isolation than with physical hardships, reinforce the idea that loneliness is deeply detrimental. The book categorizes social needs into three main types: intimate connections, relational ties, and collective belonging. Intimate connections involve deep bonds with those who provide unwavering emotional support. Relational ties include friendships and family relationships that shape daily life. Collective belonging gives people a sense of identity through communities, groups, and organizations. Each of these components plays a vital role in shaping human well-being.
Despite our innate need for connection, contemporary society often works against it. Many people dedicate less than an hour a day to meaningful social interactions, prioritizing work and responsibilities over relationships. The pervasive influence of technology further complicates matters. The habit of checking phones during conversations, known as 'phubbing,' diminishes the quality of interactions. Studies show that even parents who frequently use their phones around their children experience weakened connections. Instead of completely avoiding technology, the book suggests setting clear boundaries, such as phone-free meals, to create opportunities for genuine interaction. Another major barrier to connection is the culture of busyness, where packed schedules reduce time for meaningful interactions. Interestingly, research indicates that giving time to others can create a sense of abundance rather than scarcity. Outsourcing certain responsibilities can free up time for social interactions, leading to greater fulfillment. Parents, in particular, are often pressured to dedicate all their time to child-rearing, neglecting friendships in the process. However, studies suggest that children develop better social skills when their parents maintain their own friendships, demonstrating the importance of balance.
Social media, while useful for maintaining connections, does not provide the same neurological benefits as in-person interactions. Brain scans reveal that face-to-face conversations activate different neural pathways than digital communication, reinforcing the importance of physical presence. Small adjustments, such as leaving room for unhurried conversations or prioritizing social time, can help counteract the distancing effects of modern life. In addition to external obstacles, internal psychological barriers also prevent deeper connections. One of these is the 'spotlight effect,' in which people overestimate how much others notice them. This leads to self-consciousness and hesitation in social situations. Studies show that individuals believe they are being closely observed when, in reality, others are far less focused on them. Another psychological barrier is the impact of loneliness itself. When people feel lonely, their brains shift into a defensive mode, making them hyperaware of potential social rejection. Neutral actions, such as a delayed response to a message, can be misinterpreted as deliberate rejection. This creates a self-perpetuating cycle where the fear of rejection leads to behaviors that increase isolation.
Recognizing these cognitive biases can help people navigate social situations more effectively. Being aware of the spotlight effect can reduce self-consciousness, making social interactions feel more natural. Additionally, when faced with ambiguous social signals, generating multiple possible explanations instead of assuming the worst can prevent unnecessary misunderstandings. Practicing social mindfulness—being aware of how the mind distorts perceptions—allows for more balanced interactions. Developing this awareness can make individuals more approachable and improve their overall social experiences. The book also highlights key principles that shape human relationships. One such principle is proximity, which significantly influences relationship formation. People naturally bond with those they see regularly. Classic studies on student housing found that individuals living near one another were more likely to form friendships. This pattern extends beyond dormitories to workplaces, neighborhoods, and social circles. Repeated exposure fosters familiarity and trust, making people feel more connected over time.
Similarity is another powerful factor in relationship formation. People are drawn to others who share common interests, backgrounds, or experiences, even in minor ways. Recognizing these small overlaps can make conversations flow more smoothly and create a sense of connection. Implementing these principles in daily life involves creating opportunities for repeated interactions, such as joining regular social groups rather than attending one-time events. Shared environments, like community spaces, facilitate organic interactions that lead to stronger relationships. Another critical component of deepening connections is communication, particularly active listening. When individuals give their full attention to a conversation, remember details, and follow up later, they demonstrate genuine engagement. Studies show that deep conversations synchronize brain activity between individuals, reinforcing emotional bonds. The effectiveness of these strategies lies in their simplicity—showing up consistently, expressing openness, and actively listening create the conditions for meaningful relationships to develop naturally.
Once initial connections are established, strengthening them requires trust and emotional investment. One way to cultivate trust is through gradual vulnerability, where individuals share personal experiences and thoughts at a comfortable pace. Research suggests that controlled self-disclosure increases likability and deepens connections over time. Another essential factor is responsiveness—how people react to others' experiences, particularly positive ones. Studies indicate that celebrating someone’s success with enthusiasm strengthens relationships more than simply offering support in difficult times. This concept, known as 'capitalization,' helps build trust and emotional intimacy. Responding to good news with genuine excitement and follow-up questions fosters a sense of closeness, while neutral or dismissive reactions create distance.
Time investment is another key element in building meaningful relationships. Research shows that casual friendships require around 50 hours of interaction, while deeper friendships take over 200 hours to develop. The focus, however, should not be on counting hours but on making time spent together meaningful. Engaging in shared experiences, particularly new activities, strengthens bonds more effectively than routine interactions. Trying novel experiences together builds trust and creates lasting memories, reinforcing relationships. The common thread in all these strategies is the willingness to move beyond superficial interactions. Being vulnerable, investing time, and celebrating others' successes require conscious effort, but the benefits are substantial. People with strong relationships experience greater happiness, better health, and a stronger sense of purpose. These practices counteract the growing trend of shallow interactions, helping to restore authentic human connection.
The central message of "Our New Social Life" is that social connection is not merely a preference but a fundamental human need, as crucial as food and water. Scientific findings illustrate how deeply wired the brain is for social interaction and how modern life often obstructs it. By understanding the different levels of connection—intimate, relational, and collective—people can navigate their social needs more effectively. Recognizing external barriers such as technology and internal barriers such as cognitive biases allows for practical steps to overcome them. The key to building and maintaining meaningful relationships lies in small, consistent efforts: creating opportunities for regular contact, actively listening, and gradually opening up. These research-backed strategies transform acquaintances into lasting connections that enhance well-being and longevity.
November 17, 2025
This is a good informational read. This is a book about how to build and deepen social connections by using research-based insights. This book has a great balance of scientific information and simple, realistic advice. The book also shows why building meaningful relationships feels harder than ever, and what science says we can do about it. One thing I don't like about this book is that some of the advice and points they share are a little obvious and simple. Other than that, the book is very imformational and shares many points about building connections with people.
March 14, 2025
Our New Social Life is the book I wish I had five years ago when I first realized I had been struggling with persistent loneliness. At the time, I knew something was missing, but I didn’t have the language or framework to understand why I felt disconnected despite wanting meaningful relationships. This book provides that clarity, offering a science-backed, deeply compassionate approach to understanding loneliness and how to move toward genuine connection.
Our New Social Life is a blend of research and personal stories, making complex psychological insights accessible and digestible. It explores how culture and social norms contribute to disconnection—a widely recognized issue—but what makes Our New Social Life stand out is that it offers the reader agency, showing how intentional choices can help fight against societal forces that push us toward isolation and instead move us toward meaningful connection. The book also doesn’t just tell you to "get out there" and socialize—it explains why you might hesitate to reach out, why vulnerability can feel terrifying, and why old patterns might be keeping you stuck. More importantly, it provides strategies and suggestions, helping you take actionable steps toward the relationships you yearn for.
I know I will return to this book again and again as a resource on my journey to building deeper, more meaningful relationships. Whether you’re struggling with loneliness yourself or simply want to understand human connection on a deeper level, Our New Social Life is a great read.
Our New Social Life is a blend of research and personal stories, making complex psychological insights accessible and digestible. It explores how culture and social norms contribute to disconnection—a widely recognized issue—but what makes Our New Social Life stand out is that it offers the reader agency, showing how intentional choices can help fight against societal forces that push us toward isolation and instead move us toward meaningful connection. The book also doesn’t just tell you to "get out there" and socialize—it explains why you might hesitate to reach out, why vulnerability can feel terrifying, and why old patterns might be keeping you stuck. More importantly, it provides strategies and suggestions, helping you take actionable steps toward the relationships you yearn for.
I know I will return to this book again and again as a resource on my journey to building deeper, more meaningful relationships. Whether you’re struggling with loneliness yourself or simply want to understand human connection on a deeper level, Our New Social Life is a great read.
July 21, 2025
Realizing that our entire society is based on social norms created over a century ago... it's no wonder why we're so depressed and lonely as we try to replace a long-gone sense of community with the perpetual, attention-seeking affirmations driven by social media. Social media is not a replacement for community and it certainly isn't a replacement for a 'third place'. Work also isn't a third place, though that seems to be the other trap we all fall into as we become what we get paid to do. If society wants to move beyond the rat-trap of the rat race we've created for ourselves, we'll have to find some way to recreate third places in society where we can find enjoyment outside of a paycheck and find society outside of the snide one-upmanship of Facebook and Instagram.
This was a pretty good read with some strong, science-backed
My biggest take away: If we're going to doom scroll through social media anyways, at the very least, we could at least comment on some posts once in a while. Once you find yourself scrolling and not interacting, it's probably time to put your phone down. Commenting on a friend's post will at least give a semblance of connection and it might even help with your algorithm.
This was a pretty good read with some strong, science-backed
My biggest take away: If we're going to doom scroll through social media anyways, at the very least, we could at least comment on some posts once in a while. Once you find yourself scrolling and not interacting, it's probably time to put your phone down. Commenting on a friend's post will at least give a semblance of connection and it might even help with your algorithm.
March 12, 2025
A very well written book about the importance of human connections which contains ‘advice’ backed by research from sociology and psychology. Not an academic textbook but a self help style book written in everyman’s language. I listened to the audiobook on Amazon but liked it so much I will be buying my own copy to read again.
April 14, 2025
I listened to the audiobook,very easy to read with interesting research examples and some great simple tips to improve your social life.
June 15, 2025
Great science-backed information and lots of takeaway exercises the reader can try and implement in their own life.
February 24, 2025
Great read for anyone who wants to expand their ability to connect with others! Great, practical tips on how to make small changes with potentially great results!
Displaying 1 - 9 of 9 reviews