Thanks for the Feedback: The Science and Art of Receiving Feedback Well

by Douglas Stone, Sheila Heen

The authors of the classic Difficult Conversations teach you how to take criticism productively in Thanks for the Feedback.

We get feedback every day of our lives, from friends and family, colleagues, customers, and bosses, teachers, doctors, and strangers. We're assessed, coached, and criticized about our performance, personalities and appearance.

We know that feedback is essential for professional development and healthy relationships - but we dread it and even dismiss it. That's because while want to learn and grow, we also want to be accepted just as we are.

Thanks for the Feedback is the first book to address this tension head on. In it, the world-renowned team behind the Harvard Negotiation Project offer a simple framework and powerful tools, showing us how to take on life's blizzard of comments and advice with curiosity and grace.

'I'll admit it: Thanks for the Feedback made me uncomfortable. And that's one reason I liked it so much. With keen insight and lots of practical takeaways, it reveals why getting feedback is so hard - and then how we can do better' Daniel H. Pink, author of To Sell Is Human and Drive

'Thanks for the Feedback is a road map to more self-awareness, greater learning, and richer relationships. A tour de force' Adam Grant, Wharton professor and author of Give and Take

Douglas Stone and Sheila Heen are Lecturers on Law at Harvard Law School and cofounders of Triad Consulting. Their clients include the White House, Citigroup, Honda, Johnson & Johnson, Time Warner, Unilever, and many others. They are co-authors of the international bestseller Difficult Conversations. Stone lives in Cambridge, MA. Heen lives with her husband and three children in a farmhouse north of Cambridge, MA.

Genres: Nonfiction, Business, Leadership, Self Help, Psychology, Communication, Management

335 pages, Kindle Edition

First published March 4, 2014

Reviews

[Yevgeniy Brikman · Rating 4 out of 5]

A very useful read for just about everyone. Although the book mostly focuses on receiving feedback, it also provides lots of useful insights about giving feedback. There was a lot of insightful information in this book, but after finishing it, I must admit I struggled in terms of how to turn it into action. Hopefully, writing up these notes in GoodReads will help me to think through everything I learned, and perhaps start applying it my day to day life.

Here are some of the key insights:

1. Why you should get better at receiving feedback

Whether you like it or not, in the real world, most people suck at giving feedback. So if you want to succeed in life, learning how to effectively receive feedback—even from people who are terrible at giving feedback—is an absolutely essential skill.

2. There are three types of feedback

- Appreciation: saying thank you and showing gratitude.
- Coaching: providing guidance to help someone improve.
- Evaluation: an assessment that lets someone know where they stand.

For example, if someone asks you for feedback on the first chapter of a book they are writing, sometimes, they are just looking for appreciation: e.g., "this is great, keep going!" Sometimes, they are looking for coaching: e.g., "you can make your arguments more persuasive by rearranging..." And sometimes, they are looking for evaluation: e.g., "this a pretty good story, but it's not quite as good as..."

If you provide the wrong type of feedback, it can be a disaster: e.g., someone is looking for appreciation and encouragement ("you're doing great, keep going!"), but you instead provide evaluation ("this isn't as good as..."), which they find crushing. Therefore, one of the biggest takeaways from this book is simply to be aware of the different types of feedback, and when asking for feedback, always be explicit and clear about what type of feedback you're looking for. Similarly, when providing feedback always (a) ask what type of feedback someone is looking for, (b) be explicit and clear about what type of feedback you're providing, and (c) check in regularly to make sure that your feedback is being received in the way you intend.

Of course, the separation between the different types of feedback is not always so clear cut. For example, if you're coaching, you're implicitly saying the person isn't as good as they could be, which is an evaluation. Also, when you provide evaluation first, it often drowns out everything else: e.g., if your performance evaluation says, "below expectations," the emotional impact of that can drown out all that follows, including whatever coaching a manager may be trying to provide. So if your goal is coaching, you need to put the person's mind at ease first about evaluation: e.g., "Your career here is safe, and you're well on your way up. Let's talk about a few things you can do better to get there faster..."

3. Triggers that block feedback

Whenever you receive tough feedback, there are three main "triggers" that may block your ability to really hear that feedback:

- Truth triggers: you reject feedback because of its content, which you believe is wrong or unfair.
- Relationship triggers: you reject the feedback because of the person giving the feedback.
- Identity triggers: you reject the feedback because it forces you to question your own identity.

These triggers often kick in immediately: e.g., you hear some feedback and have an almost instant reaction where you reject it as untrue or unfair. And while some feedback really is untrue or unfair, a lot of feedback has value to it, and to benefit from that value, you have to learn how to get past these triggers.

3a. Dealing with truth triggers

The first step to dealing with truth triggers is to make sure you actually understand the feedback. You may think you do, but in many cases, you don't really understand the other person's point of view, and you just respond with "WRONG" before you've had a chance to process it. Instead, pause, take a breath, and ask clarifying questions:

- Instead of looking for what's wrong or different and trying to point out every error, ask why there are differences. This may reveal data you weren't aware of or a different way to interpret the data.
- Get into the habits of looking for labels: e.g., "You’re too xxx" or "don’t be so yyy." Labels can be interpreted in many different ways, so try to go deeper and understand the meaning and intent. Ask for examples and ask where the feedback is coming from, as hearing the data that led to the feedback helps reveal context.
- Finally, try to repeat back what you heard, in your own words, to make sure you really understand what the other person meant.

Second, realize that you have blind spots: something that others can see about you that you can't see about yourself. For example, you can't see your own face or hear your own town of voice when speaking, but others can. Sometimes what you think is wrong is actually something you're blind to. There are 3 common amplifiers of blind spots:

- Emotional math. It's very easy to be unaware of your own emotions and to subtract them from the story you tell. E.g., In your mind, all you did was tell your coworker "no." But what your coworker actually saw was that you got red, yelled, and stormed out of the room. To you, what you said is the story. To your colleague, your anger is the story.
- Situation vs character. I tend to attribute my own actions to the situation, whereas I attribute the actions of others to their character. E.g., When I'm late for a meeting, it's because I was juggling 5 things, but when someone else is late for a meeting, it's because they are a sloppy, inconsiderate person.
- Intention vs impact. For myself, I tend to think of the (internal) intention as the most important thing, whereas for others, I tend to think as the (external) impact as the most important thing. Note: It's critical to discuss intention and impact separately when giving feedback!

Third, realize that all feedback will be wrong in some way or another, but just because there are some errors doesn't mean you have to reject the whole thing; you can still learn a lot from the parts that are right.

3b. Dealing with relationship triggers

First, you need to separate the what from the who. Perhaps you're not happy with your relationship with that person, but that doesn't mean the feedback is wrong. Try to explicitly call out and discuss the content of the feedback and the relationship with the feedback giver as two separate topics.

Second, try to make the relationship system more explicit too: e.g., if one of you is a manager and the other a direct report, or father and child, or best friends, or whatever else, making the system you're in more visible will help understand the feedback better.

3c. Dealing with identity triggers

First, avoid an all-or-nothing identity. If you see someone as either pure good or pure evil, then any feedback that you did something that isn't good is evidence that you must be pure evil, which is crushing. Life is not black and white, all-or-nothing. Make sure your identity isn't either.

Second, realize we're not all wired the same way. Some people have very strong emotional reactions to feedback and the impact of that feedback lasts a long time; others have only a small reaction that goes away quickly. You can't change that wiring, but if you're aware of it, you can at least learn to recognize your own reactions and that of others.

Third, realize that even if your wiring can't change, your identity, skills, and much else about you can. See "growth mindset" for a lot more on this topic.

4. How to turn down feedback

If you've fully heard and understood the other person's feedback, but decide not to follow it, then make that explicit!

- Although the decision on whether to listen to feedback or not is yours, the consequences affect everyone. Acknowledge that!
- Make it clear why you made the decision you did: e.g., "I know smoking is bad, but there's so much going on in my life right now that I can't quit right now, and will try later."
- Give people tools to deal with your decision, even though you didn't follow their feedback: e.g., "I know I tend to dominate the conversation, and I can't fully fix that right now, but I give you full permission to interrupt me if it happens."
- Try to problem solve together: e.g., "I've lived in this house for 50 years, and am not ready to move to a retirement home right now, so let's find a way where I can keep living here, but still be safe."

5. Ask for what you need

- Ask for the exact type of feedback you need: e.g., appreciation, coaching, evaluation.
- If the feedback giver doesn't understand the different types of feedback, find a way to force the conversation that way anyway. E.g., If you want appreciation and encouragement, instead of, "can I have some feedback," ask, "what are your 3 favorite parts?"
- Learn how to handle tough situations. E.g., "We’re at a deadlock. Your solution is that I give in, but that doesn’t seem fair. What other options do you propose?"

6. Try the feedback out

We're often afraid to take feedback because we assume it requires some huge, painful, irreversible change. But the reality is that you can make it much easier to accept feedback by remembering two things:

- It's OK to just temporarily try the feedback out. That is, sit with the feedback for a little while and just see how it feels. If it doesn’t fit, no problem, let it go. There's no risk! But maybe, after a little time has passed, you'll realize the feedback fits.
- Remember that the changes suggested by feedback don't have to be forever. For example, it's not "do yoga for the rest of your life," it's, "try yoga for one day." It’s not, "change this presentation forever," it’s, "try doing the presentation differently one time." Lower the bar for accepting feedback and you'll find it much easier to take!

[Майя Ставитская · Rating 4 out of 5]

"Thank you for the feedback" is a book that teaches you to take criticism in your address calmly and kindly, highlighting constructive elements, not getting into destructive ones, calmly ignoring openly offensive or absurd ones. The authors identify three types of triggers that block understanding:
- truths (what you say is wrong, unfair, useless);
- relationships (I can't hear it from you);
- identity (you are destroying me, encroaching on my integrity).

Feedback can come in the form of recognition, guidance and evaluation. The task of the recipient is to learn to separate one from the other, not to react too violently if, instead of the expected praise, you receive advice on what could be improved or even a critical dissonance of the results of your work. There are techniques that allow you to move from "this is wrong" to "explain to me" without tragedies and conflicts, and the book tells about these techniques. She won't do it for us, but the very existence of such a benefit is rather a blessing.

Использовать критику во благо
Почему от нас всегда хотят совершенствования, развития, обновления? Почему им так трудно понять нас? Эй, начальник! Эй, команда! Эй, жена! Эй, отец! Вот он я. Я такой!
"Обратная связь" в заглавии книги Шейлы Хин и Дугласа Стоуна эвфемизм для критики. Которой не любит никто. Ну, потому что чаще всего она болезненна, обидна, кажется несправедливой, порой выглядит как сведение счетов и практически всегда требует от нас изменений. В большом, в малом, в незначительных или основополагающих вещах. Почему каждый стремится обтесать под тот стандарт, в котором будет комфортно со мной взаимодействовать. Почему они не могут принимать такой, какая есть, со всеми уникальными особенностями?

Вымещают природную злобность и досаду на собственные неудачи? Хотят самоутвердиться за мой счет? Мстят за прежние наши столкновения? Или может быть действительно хотят, чтобы я стала лучше, чтобы вышла на более высокий уровень? Может для этого только и нужно, что устранить те недостатки, которые особенно бросаются в глаза?

"Спасибо за обратную связь" - книга, которая учит воспринимать критику в свой адрес спокойно и доброжелательно, выделяя конструктивные элементы, не заводясь на деструктивные, спокойно игнорируя откровенно оскорбительные или абсурдные. Авторы выделяют три вида триггеров, блокирующих понимание:
- истины (то, что вы говорите ошибочно, несправедливо, бесполезно);
- отношения (я не могу слышать этого от тебя);
- идентичности (вы разрушаете меня, посягаете на мою целостность).

Обратная связь может приходить в форме признания (как правило похвала), наставления (вот так можно улучшить) и оценки (не всегда лицеприятной). Задача получающего в том, чтобы научиться разделять одно от другого, не реагировать слишком бурно, если вместо ожидаемой похвалы получаешь советы, что можно было бы улучшить или вовсе критический разнос результатов своего труда. Есть методики, позволяющие переходить от "это неправильно" к "объясни мне" без трагедий и конфликтов, и об этих методиках книга рассказывает. Она не сделает этого за нас, но само по себе существование такого пособия благо.

Метод разделения, когда из сплошного потока негатива, захлестывающего в момент, ког��а на тебя обрушивается критика (я ничтожество!), выделяешь отдельные моменты, классифицируешь их и реагируешь поэтапно. Метод трех шагов (шаг назад: я и ты; два шага назад: наши социальные роли в этом взаимодействии, три шага назад - ситуация в целом). Метод системной призмы: не перекладывать на других ответственность за свои неверные поступки и не брать на себя ответственности за все беды и горести этого мира).

Книга учит разговаривать, переводя обратную связь с деструктивных рельсов ("Господа, вы звери", "Никто меня не понимает", "Ты меня не любишь. не жалеешь") на конструктивные (Мы будем трудиться, вся Россия будет наш сад)). Умное. полезное и своевременное чтение.

[Skjam! · Rating 4 out of 5]

Disclaimer: I received this book as a Goodreads giveaway on the premise that I would review it. Also, the version I read was an Advance Readers’ Copy and some changes may be made in the final version.

We’ve all been there. You go above and beyond busting your butt on the job for a year, but your boss’ evaluation says “meets minimum standards” and no pay raise. Your mother asks for the thousandth time why you can’t be more like your Nobel Prize winning sister who married a brain surgeon and has provided Mom with two lovely grandchildren. A random crack from a passerby about your nose puts you in a depressed funk for the rest of the day.

We all get feedback that’s not useful, not helpful, unwanted, badly timed or just wrong. It can really do a number on your psyche, or get rejected out of hand, no matter what the actual truth value of it is. However, there can be parts of the feedback that would actually be useful if you can excise the wrong parts and the hurtful way it was delivered.

And that’s what this book is about. It’s by two of the three authors of Difficult Conversations, because they learned that giving proper feedback and receiving feedback were both listed as very difficult conversations indeed. Most businesses concentrate on teaching their managers to give feedback, so this book primarily works from the other direction, learning to receive feedback in a manner that makes it productive.

First, there’s some discussion of the three main types of feedback, appreciation, coaching and evaluation, what the difference is, and how each is useful in its own way. Quite a bit of the book is examining the various types of “triggers” that can prevent feedback from being received correctly; truth triggers (this information is factually wrong), relationship triggers (the person telling me this is not credible) and identity triggers (“so what you’re saying is that I’m an unfit parent?”)

The text examines how to spot that these triggers are happening and how to deal with them. According to the authors, triggers can make the conversation about the triggers, rather than about the original feedback. Redirecting the conversation to what the other person actually means by their feedback can be more productive. One of the concepts I found most helpful was dealing with “switchtracks,” where both people in the conversation are addressing different issues so both are monologuing about their own pet peeve, rather than addressing them one at a time. Some of the suggested phrasing is things no human being would ever say in a natural conversation, but that’s what is supposed to make it effective by breaking the negative feedback cycle.

There’s a section on brain functions, which the authors acknowledge may become dated swiftly, Neuroscience is a rapidly changing field and in five years time everything quoted here may be obsolete or proved wrong. They do their best to explain current theory and how people can deal with their brain wiring to get better results from feedback.

Then comes the section on using the information on feedback in the actual process, including how to set boundaries (you need to receive feedback properly; that doesn’t mean you’re going to take the advice you’re given.) There’s information on how to “coach your coach” so that they can learn to give you the feedback that will be the most helpful. One thing they don’t really cover is dealing with trolls and bullies, people who deliberately give you wrong or injurious feedback for malicious purposes. You’re still on your own to spot the difference between them and people who give hurtful feedback for non-malicious reasons.

Finally, there’s a chapter on how to integrate better feedback reception (and giving) into an organizational culture.

The acknowledgements are especially interesting as a model for showing appreciation, and there are extensive end notes. The ARC did not have an index, but did include a “road map” that goes into more detail than the table of contents. There are a number of illustrations; mostly figures.

Is this a useful book? I would say yes. It’s well-organized, has useful information in an understandable format, and has applicability in the real world.

That said, I think it is a book the readers will need to seek out for themselves. Being given or recommended this book is a form of feedback that could be taken wrongly. (“Are you implying I can’t take feedback?!”) And being given this book by your manager will arouse as much suspicion as say, Who Moved My Cheese?, notorious as a book that management loves and employees find self-serving.

I recommend this book for business people, college students (high school students might need a slightly simpler version), bloggers and anyone who finds themselves surrounded by idiots that never, ever give good feedback.

[Ugnė · Rating 5 out of 5]

Yra krūva visokių straipsnių, kaip pasakyti grįžtamąjį ryšį, į ką susitelkti, kas nėra grįžtamasis ryšys ir pan. Ši knyga ir apie tai, ir ne visai apie tai, nes pagrindinis akcentas - kaip priimti (arba nebūtinai) grįžtamąjį ryšį, ką daryti, jei jis visai neaiškus arba neteisingas, kodėl kartais ir ilgiausi pokalbiai neduoda naudos ir pan. Kažkuria prasme bloga knyga, nes joje parašyta, kad ir pačiam/pačiai reikės keistis, kad būtum išgirstas :D

Beskaitant kažkur link pabaigos kilo minčių, kad visokiose panašiose knygose keliamas klausimas, kaip čia mums paprasčiau susikalbėjus, yra šiek tiek dviračio išradinėjimas. O paskui prisiminiau, kaip nuolat skersom žiūriu į tuos, kurie viską tik gražiai, tik užuolankom, tik švelniai, kad tik niekas neužsigautų, nesupyktų ir t.t. Dabar aiškiau suprantu, kad dar man daug dirbti reikia, kol aš jų dviratį atrasiu (net jei juo ir nevažiuosiu).

[Jenny (Reading Envy) · Rating 4 out of 5]

I received a copy of this book from NetGalley in exchange for an honest review. Anything I quote may have changed in the final version.

This was a very difficult book to read! I am never good at being criticized, and magnify that difficulty by taking everything as criticism. Ha. I'm also in the position of giving feedback to a crew of librarians and can always use ideas for how to do this in the best way!

What I really like about this book is that it examines what the problems are, focusing on the person reading, while also giving ideas for how to address both the problems that are internal and those that are relational, structural, or role-based. I got a lot out of even just breaking it down into these categories, because it helped me see how complicated these elements can make something like giving and receiving feedback. It made me think a lot about myself, more in the role of receiving feedback than in giving it, probably because that is where I need the greatest help!

A few of the practical concepts I marked for further pondering -

-Disentangle we from what
-The speed at which we interpret data, sometimes making us miss the actual meaning or intention of feedback
-Noticing different things despite having access to the same data (ask "Why do we see this differently? What data do you have that I don't?")
-How much is role and how much is personality?
-Pay attention to your own silent switchtracking reaction to others' feedback

The concept of "identity story" is something I've come across before, but I felt it was well-handled here. How some people see themselves as unchangeable and that makes feedback more difficult, and how sometimes figuring out what the story we are telling about ourselves can really help us wade through our reactions to feedback.

I loved the set of "forward-looking" questions that the authors recommend you take to any evaluation conversation: "What were the criteria you used? What did you consider to be the most important? Are there concerns I should know about? Are there skills or experience I am missing? Looking forward: What are the consequences? How will this effect me in the coming year? What should I be thinking about or working on? When might we reassess?

Since the authors are careful to distinguish evaluation from coaching, and at once point suggest interpreting some evaluation as coaching, I liked this idea of having a tangible way of turning feedback around into immediate useful, actionable directions. Excellent.

There was one scary suggestion of asking people around you "What do you see me doing, or failing to do, that is getting in my own way?" It is probably a clear indicator that this book did not save me from being terrified of this kind of conversation, but I'm mulling it over. Perhaps if I start with safer people. And the authors suggest always having someone safe on hand to bounce ideas off of.

"When we are under stress or in conflict we lose skills we normally have, impact others in ways we don't see, are at a loss for positive strategies. We need honest mirrors in these moments, and often that role is played best by those with whom we have the hardest time."

Hmm, interesting. Actually they are not suggesting a safe person to mirror you, but someone who you struggle with. I am not ready! I will need to start small, but that is an interesting question. And as someone who has been under too much stress in the last two years, I'm not sure I want to hear the answer. Ha.

[Jacob Fleming · Rating 3 out of 5]

I would give this one 3.5 stars; I admit I had high expectations, but ultimately was a bit underwhelmed. There were definitely some good points and concepts, such as consciously separating feedback into appreciation, coaching, or evaluation. As the subtitle implies, this book is all about how to receive feedback, and Stone and Heen make a compelling case for how the receiver is the one who controls the ultimate impact of feedback. However, I felt that their advice on how to effectively and diplomatically handle more off-putting or hostile feedback was a bit lacking. A lot of the conversations they portray also come off as very formal and not particularly reminiscent of real-life exchanges (which they point out at least once, to their credit).
Overall, I'm happy I read this book and will definitely attempt to use some of their concepts in my job. I was expecting (or hoping for) some more profound paradigm-shifting ideas, but I did not find those here. Still a worthwhile read, and I may need to pick it up again when I'm not working 80 hours a week so that it takes me less than 3 months to read. Some of the impact may have been lost in that fragmentation for me.

[Sergey Shishkin · Rating 5 out of 5]

Even considering myself active feedback seeker, I still found nuggets of wisdom in this book. It is very well structured, is illustrated with case study dialogs and introduces clear, easy to understand models:

- How to differentiate feedback: appreciation, evaluation, coaching;
- What prevents us from taking in feedback: truth triggers, identity triggers, relationship triggers;
- How different people "metabolize" feedback based on their emotional baseline, swing and sustain/recovery;
- How biases and blind-spots interfere;
- How fixed/growth mindset impacts feedback absorption;
- Understanding what type of feedback you need and how to ask for it explicitly;
- How to weigh feedback and how to reject it gracefully;

Although the book is written from a perspective of feedback receiver, learning the material will help with giving feedback as well.

[Morgan · Rating 3 out of 5]

Thank you for the feedback Lauren Andelin

[Julie · Rating 4 out of 5]

Note: I received this book for free through the First Reads program.

Thanks for the Feedback attempts to break down why the feedback we get often seems unfair or invalid, why it is so difficult to receive feedback (hint: the two are related), and presents doing so as a skill that can be improved. The book is well researched and well documented, and the information is interesting and useful, for the most part. I found the following two insights to be the most helpful.

First, the book makes the distinction between three types of feedback: appreciation, coaching, and evaluation. Appreciation is encouragement, coaching is feedback geared at helping you improve your skills, and evaluation is an assessment of where you stand. Because each has a different flavor, and accomplishes a different purpose, the book argues these should be separated whenever possible, and both feedback giver and receiver should be aware of the type of feedback being given. Similarly, if you don't feel appreciated, you resent being given critical feedback, and if you're trying to find ways to improve, a pat on the head isn't helpful. There should be a balance between the three types.

Secondly, the book talks about the difference between a growth-based mindset and a fixed mindset; the notion that your traits and abilities are inborn and unchanging, or that they alter over time based on your experiences and effort. A set mindset leads you to avoid feedback and challenge because they threaten your identity as a smart or competent person, e.g. "If I fail at this task, then I'm an idiot." This might sound familiar if you've taken a psychology course or two, but Thanks for the Feedback goes through how to start adjusting your mindset in favor of growth over set. For example, it suggests giving yourself a second score on your resilience and willingness to learn in the face of a failure. Inevitably, you will make mistakes, but practicing at learning those mistakes and recovering from them well will serve you well in the long run.

I recommend this book if you find yourself wilting and becoming depressed in the face of feedback, getting irate or upset, or rejecting it outright. With an open mind it would be a good tool for self-improvement to anyone who works on a team or who gives or receives feedback. I agree, however, with an earlier review that states you have to seek this book out for yourself; trying to convince someone to read it because he or she doesn't take feedback well would only result in hard feelings.

[Tim · Rating 4 out of 5]

Surprisingly good. I assumed this book would be centered around "feedback" as in something you get from bosses at work (or similar), and while that is mostly the case, this book dives into far more than that tiny niche. This book is really about introspection, relationship building, and making interactions with others more pleasant and effective.

The feedback in question can be applied to any relationship: customer/provider, co-worker, subordinate/superior, and perhaps most importantly the marriage.

Dealing with "feedback" can be a negative experience; in fact, it likely has a negative connotation with some people. Even in the worst case scenario, this book will arm the reader with practical strategies and advice that can be applied that very same day. Perhaps the best part is that the reader will be able to meta-analyze a conversation in real time so that you can keep the encounter productive and positive (in the sense that it moves forward productively).

Even though I found myself a bit bored at times (going over situations that weren't pertinent to me at the moment), I can strongly recommend this book to anyone that has to interact with others (over the phone, over email, in person, etc). That's probably everyone reading this review.

[Jim Serger · Rating 5 out of 5]

A must read for anyone who interacts with others--that is everyone for that part. Feedback is just that; a statement that we receive in a formal setting or nonchalant. Giving feedback as the two authors state can be rewarding for others as well as you "the giver", or it can be horrific as well, either way. Three takes on that-- helping you, helping themselves/the relationship and helping an origination/team.
The book is filled with information, stories on getting better results from/on feedback--the best statement in the book was " The ability to learn from feedback is what will shape your future most". The book really sets in motion the importance of understanding and giving feedback in a positive tone. "A good listener asks for help". They touch on leadership, coaching, mentoring, teams, one on one and creating a better quality relationship with others. Excellent book for the work place, sports, school and home front.

[Dmitry · Rating 1 out of 5]

(The English review is placed beneath Russian one)

Давно хотел перечитать эту книгу, т.к. это одна из тех немногих, а может быть даже единственная книга, содержание которой совершенно не осталось в моей памяти. В принципе, теперь я понимаю почему.
Авторы взяли довольно популярную тему – обратная связь (feedback) – которая особо популярна в бизнес-литературе, в которой говорится, как важно получать обратную связь от клиентов, т.к. это может не только способно поспособствовать сокращению оттока клиентов, но также может позволить обнаружить уникальное торговое предложение. В любом случаи, обратная связь призвана спасти разваливающиеся отношения, как в бизнесе, так и в личной жизни. Пускай, в книгах по психологии эта тема не столь актуальна (нежели в бизнесе), но всё же и там она проскальзывает. Как я понимаю, авторы решили, чтобы зря не тратить время и бумагу, совместить популярную психологию и, если так можно выразиться, поп бизнес литературу (в том смысле, что читатель не найдёт в книге серьёзного углубления в какой-либо вопрос связанный с бизнесом, ибо всё по верхам а-ля «выстраивание стратегии при коммуникации сотрудников»). Я не знаю, можно ли было вообще написать хорошую книгу на эту тему. Во-первых, те, кто много читает non-fiction, уже знают о том, как важна обратная связь (feedback). Поэтому: дальше-то что? Куда дальше можно двигаться? Авторы предлагают нам улучшить навык общения и предлагают нам свою теорию обратной связи, в которой мы можем найти аж несколько (вроде 3) вариантов обратной связи. Как я понял авторов, очень важно, чтобы человек получал ту обратную связь (тот тип обратной связи), которую он ожидает. Если это похвала, то получающий должен быть заинтересован именно в похвале, а не, скажем, в конструктивной критике. Вот об этом говориться в первой четверти книги. В принципе, я могу ещё принять это и могу предположить, что это может быть полезно или хотя бы интересно. Но вот дальше книга начинает состоять из одних лишь примеров. Как правильно написал один читатель, «10% теории и 90% примеров». Кто-то может посчитать, что примеры-то и должны объяснить все идеи авторов. Однако беда с этими примерами в том, что они описывают конкретный случай и конкретный диалог. Т.е. я не вижу, как можно инкорпорировать всё это в свою собственную жизнь. Знаю, я уже несколько раз повторял эти слова про излишнюю детализацию, из-за которой невозможно что-либо применить у себя в жизни. Но тут обстоит всё именно так. Авторы просто нам показывают ссоры между людьми и пишут, как это должно быть в конструктивном русле, если бы использовалась их тактика. Если честно, я не особо обнаружил её яркое проявление. Но даже если это допустить, всё равно мы встречаем проблему нашей конкретной ситуации и нашего конкретного стиль общения. Чтобы использовать все эти стратегии, что предлагают авторы, нужно так внедрить их в свой стиль, чтобы перед лицом поднимающегося скандала или стрессового (серьёзного/важного) разговора, человек не забыл все эти типы обратной связи и не перешёл на эмоции.
В общем, я понял, почему эта книга настолько быстро выветрилась в первый раз. Не знаю как все остальные восторженные читатели, а я нашёл книгу совершенно бессистемной, лишённой строгой, ясной и полезной теории, с примерами, цель которых, скорее увеличить объём книги (как правильно заметили многие, в книге мыслей - на 5 страниц текста, из которых получилась бы хорошая статья для журнала HBR) нежели внести вклад в построение теории.

For a long time I wanted to reread this book because it is one of those few, or maybe even the only book, the content of which is completely out of my memory. In principle, now I understand why.
The authors have taken a rather popular topic - feedback - which is especially popular in business literature, which says how important it is to get feedback from customers because it can not only help to reduce the outflow of customers but also can allow you to detect a unique selling proposition. In any case, feedback is designed to save broken relationships, both in business and personal life. Although this topic is not as popular in psychology books (than in business), it still appears there from time to time. As I understand it, the authors have decided to combine popular psychology and, if it is possible to put it this way, pop business literature. I do not know if it was possible to write a good book on this topic at all.
First of all, those who read a lot of non-fiction books already know how important feedback is. So: what's next? Where do we go from here? The authors propose to us to improve our communication skills, and for this purpose, they offer us their theory of feedback, in which we can find several (3) options for feedback. As I understood the authors, it is very important for a person to get the feedback he or she expects. If it is praise, then the recipient should be interested in praise and not, say, constructive criticism. That's what the first quarter of the book says. Basically, I can still accept it and I can assume that it may be useful or at least interesting. But then the book begins to consist of only examples. As one reader correctly wrote, "10% theory and 90% examples". Someone may think that examples should explain all the authors' ideas. However, the trouble with these examples is that they describe a concrete case and a concrete dialogue. That is, I do not see how one can incorporate all this into one's own life. I know, I have already repeated these words several times about excessive detail because of which it is impossible to apply anything in real life. But that's the way it is. The authors just show us the quarrels between people and write how it would be constructive if their tactics were to be used. Honestly, I didn't detect much of her vividness. But even if we allow it, we still encounter the problem of our particular situation and our particular style of communication. In order to use all these strategies that the authors suggest, you need to implement them in your style so that in the face of an emerging scandal or a stressful (serious/important) conversation, a person will not forget all these types of feedback and will not switch to emotions.
In general, I understood why this book was so quickly weathered for the first time. I don't know about all the other enthusiastic readers, but I found the book absolutely haphazard, devoid of strict, clear and useful theory, with examples, the purpose of which is to increase the volume of the book (as many readers have rightly pointed out, this book would make a good article for HBR magazine, but nothing more) rather than contribute to the construction of the theory.

[Bill Morgan · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is a must read for anyone out there seeking to improve in their personal and professional lives.

Feedback is everywhere and knowing that it is a powerful device, equally capable of bringing great benefit or great harm, helps us all navigate in our social and professional spheres.

[Andrew · Rating 4 out of 5]

Thanks for the Feedback: The Science and Art of Receiving Feedback Well by Douglas Stone and Sheila Heen, is a book on the technique behind receiving, analyzing and engaging feedback. Most jobs in the modern world come with yearly (or even more frequent) formal evaluations. Most people receive other forms of feedback everyday, whether it be a criticism of your most recent project at work, tips from a co-worker that may or may not be wanted, or comments and conflicts with friends, romantic partners and random others. Criticism is a huge part of life, but most people are uncomfortable receiving and giving it. The authors have deconstructed feedback, examining why people hate it, the emotional responses present when receiving it, and tips on how one can better acknowledge and integrate feedback without engaging in larger conflicts.

Stone and Heen deconstruct conversations involving feedback, looking at both the giver and receiver, and the motivations behind their comments. Often people are just as bad at giving feedback as receiving it, and this can lead to miscommunication of intent, and a disregard for useful advice. Often people will offer unhelpful statements - "you are always late" or "you are such a slob!" - these statements are personal, do not convey specific examples, and are not helpful. When one receives a comment like this, it is useful to take a step back and examine why the comment is present. What are the specifics that led to this comment? Finding out you are always late to the weekly Sprint meeting, or you always leaver your socks on the floor, offer concrete examples, and present workable solutions to the receiver.

Stone and Heen examine how to receive feedback - the biggest section of the book. This includes examining the relationship between the giver and receiver, looking for ulterior motives, and then gracefully considering the comments. One does not have to accept feedback, but receiving it can often point to deeper problems in the relationship between the parties. The authors offer tips on how to avoid conversation pitfalls, like sidetracking - turning the conversation against the giver. If someone tells you that "you are a slob for leaving your socks on the floor," the comment is often followed by, "Well I wouldn't be such a slob if the laundry room wasn't always full of your clothers." This form of sidetracking might contain the same topic - ie. leaving your socks on the floor - but address to separate issues. One person is talking about leaving socks on the floor, the other is talking about a messy laundry room. Two separate problems, one topic of conversation. Better to address the original topic first.

Stone and Heen also address blind spots in our awareness of ourselves, and feedback receiving and giving in firms and organizations, as well as a chapter on giving feedback as a manager or a concerned partner in a relationship. All in all, this was a very interesting read. It bucks the trend of the tide of productivity/self help books on the market, looking at an interesting topic and dissecting it into parts. It breaks down causes of feedback issues, and examines why these issues arise due to personality issues, relationship structures and misunderstandings. It offers suggestions to help individuals step back from an overtly emotional response, and examine the issue at hand, without advocating for a completely robotic response from a feedback receiver. Stone and Heen have written an excellent book that I personally found useful both for work and relationship situations, making it applicable to many aspects of ones life. I can easily recommend this book both for those looking for a good productivity style book for personal development, and those in the business world looking for tips on how to step up their office interactions. It was also surprisingly readable.

[Andra · Rating 5 out of 5]

I'm SO glad I started the year with this book, because its effect and its teachings are extremely valuable and they're also a perfect fit for this stage of my life.

"Thanks for the feedback" is a dense book, but its clear structure and helpful examples make it worth reading. The insights on how to receive and deliver feedback in a way that is helpful, meaningful and constructive have changed the way I look at feedback conversations (and most conversations too, even if they're not specifically related to feedback).

There are some uncomfortable truths in this book which made me feel uneasy, because I tried to imagine applying them in real life. However, just because they suggestions are outside my comfort zone, it doesn't mean that I'm not going to go for them.

I have so many bookmarks in my book and quotes and advice I want to transcribe into my dedicated agenda that I might just copy the entire book. :)

If you're interested in growing as a person and on making your feedback and conversations worthwhile, this book is a must-read. Again and again.

[Erika RS · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book takes a different perspective than most books on feedback and tries to help the reader get better at taking feedback rather than giving it. This was valuable to me in two ways. First, I am terrible at taking feedback, and this book helped me see ways I could improve and understand the patterns that make feedback hard for me (my tendency is to take feedback too seriously and become discouraged by my lack of competence at anything ever). Second, although the authors are mainly concerned helping the reader get value out of feedback no matter how badly presented, it's also useful for givers of feedback, which we all are at one time or another.

The book starts with the framing that feedback is not always valid, but feedback that seems invalid at first often has at least some elements you can learn from.

Receiving feedback well doesn’t mean you always have to take the feedback. Receiving it well means engaging in the conversation skillfully and making thoughtful choices about whether and how to use the information and what you’re learning. It’s about managing your emotional triggers so that you can take in what the other person is telling you, and being open to seeing yourself in new ways.

Then we get into the meat of the book. First up is understanding why feedback can be so hard to accept. The authors discuss three categories of triggers that block our ability to listen to feedback. The first are truth triggers.

Truth triggers are when your resistance to the feedback comes from the substance of the feedback: the feedback just seems wrong or not helpful. One common way that feedback can be unhelpful is when you get feedback that's different than what you need at the time. Appreciation tells the receiver that something about them is valued. Coaching aims to help the receiver get better. Evaluation tells the receiver where they stand relative to some standard. Often, these are mixed together or given at the wrong time, both of which can trigger a negative response. For example, if you're just starting working on something that's intimidated them, you may be more in need of appreciation than coaching. You just want to know it's ok to keep going, and that you're not a complete failure. As a receiver, you can deal with this trigger in two ways. One, when you're asking for feedback, be explicit about whether you want appreciation, coaching, or evaluation. Second, when you're getting feedback, label it according to these types and either respond in a way that helps you get the most out of that feedback type or make it clear what you need right now.

The second response to a truth trigger is shifting from a mindset of evaluation to curiosity when you receive feedback. Instead of immediately concluding that feedback is wrong (or, more rarely, right), take the hard step of being authentically curious about the feedback and trying to understand it. Instead of asking "why is this wrong?" (wrong spotting) ask "what might be right about this?" Part of what is useful here is to separate the data the giver is working with from their story about that data, from the label they reduce it to, and from the behavioral consequences they think should result. Asking questions which help clarify these distinctions requires engaging with the feedback is a more useful way than wrong spotting. Another useful tool is switching from wrong spotting to difference spotting: when you have a strong reaction to feedback you've been given, figure out the difference between your data, interpretation, label, and consequences rather than just dismissing theirs as wrong. Then figure out why you see those things differently.

The third response is to realize that we all have blind spots. When we look at our own behavior, we have a rich internal world to explain it. Others only see what we present externally, our behavior. This gap in visibility can cause dramatic differences in how we see ourselves and how others see us. We can't see our own behavior, especially things like tone of voice, body language, and facial expression, but others are hyper-aware of these details. Merely understanding that such a gap does exist can help temper our response to "invalid" feedback. Instead, we can use the possibility of such gaps as a prompt to start looking for other ways to validate or invalidate the gap such as asking someone we trust to be candid about the behavior.

The second category of triggers is relationship triggers. Sometimes, who is giving the feedback matters just as much as the content of the feedback. The same relationship advice from a partner, parent, or good friend will feel completely different. The most important thing to do when confronted with a relationship trigger is to avoid switchtracking, the tendency to switch the conversation from being about the content of the feedback to the emotional context of the feedback. Both conversations are important, but tangling them leads to endless confusion and disagreement. Instead, it should be an explicit decision between the giver and receiver to focus first on whichever issue seems most important and come back to the other. The authors then cover a number of specific emotional triggers that can result in switchtracking such as threats to the receiver's autonomy or feedback which makes the receiver feel rejected by the giver.

Relationship triggers exist within the broader context of the relationship, so the second topic of this section is discussing ways to look at the relationship as a system rather than just at the individual moment. Problems in relationships are rarely caused by you xor me. They're usually caused by you and me. While you may have some behavioral tendencies that are universally annoying, usually it's a combination of two people's behaviors, expectations, and context that causes something to turn into a problem. By seeing the relationship as a system, you can get beyond who is right and who is wrong and instead try to see the larger patterns and the opportunities everyone involved has for change.

The book views the relationship system on three levels. First is the You+Me level -- how is it that we're both contributing to this situation? Second is looking at our roles. Our roles influence how we interact. E.g., two people whose behavioral patterns might not cause problems in most situations can be destructive if one ends up in a position of authority over the other. Understanding how roles contribute to interactions can provide a valuable shift in perspective. The broadest level is looking at the system that the relationship exists in -- the broader culture, other people involved, where you currently are, anything which might contribute to the feedback.

The commonality of these three steps back is that by looking at the relationship in a broader context, you can move beyond right and wrong and try to understand the root cause behind the feedback and your response to it.

The third class of relationship triggers is identity triggers. These make the receiver's sense of self feel threatened. Feedback which makes you feel like you might not be the person you thought you were -- good, respectable, valuable -- can be crushing.

Much of this section discusses the different ways people respond to feedback and varying sensitivity to identity triggers. Everyone has a different baseline for how good they feel about themselves, different magnitudes of emotional response, and different durations of that response -- note that the second and third can be different for positive vs negative feedback, usually with negative feedback causing larger, longer swings than positive. I, for example, tend to have a fairly high baseline opinion of myself, high swings for negative feedback, moderate swings for positive feedback, and fairly short duration for both.

Our reaction can distort our interpretation of the feedback. For example, if feedback tends to cause you large emotional swings, you may tend to exaggerate it. "You were a little brusque in that meeting" becomes "You're a terrible mean person who can't treat others with respect." Common distortions negatively reinterpreting your whole past based on feedback, expanding it to apply to everything you do, and assuming that the feedback dictates your destiny. Understanding how you react to feedback can help you combat these exaggerations and see the feedback more accurately. One technique for doing this is to separate the feelings you have about the feedback, the story you're telling yourself, and the actual content and consequences of the feedback. And sometimes, despite all that, feedback is still just overwhelming. Sometimes the right reaction is to wall yourself off from the feedback for now and ask for help.

Finally, one way to help decrease the impact of identity triggers is to consciously cultivate a growth mindset instead of a fixed mindset. Accept that you can change, that even if you are the horrible, worthless person the feedback obviously proves you are, you can get better and become the person you want to be. Part of this is also accepting that most identity markers are not binary. We think of ourselves as honest or dishonest (usually honest), but in reality we're honest in some situations and dishonest in others. We can also accept that our desires can sometimes be contradictory -- we want to be perfectly honest, but we also want to avoid pointless confrontation. Instead of judging ourselves, accept that life is full of tradeoffs.

The last section of the book covers how to incorporate this advice into a conversation where you receive feedback. Understand the boundaries you can draw and when to draw them. Times when you might need to draw boundaries are if the feedback attacks your character rather than behavior, is unrelenting in frequency or ever growing in scope, or accompanied by threats (as opposed to natural consequences). If the feedback giver never accepts that they may be part of the problem or that your views and feeling are not worth discussing, then drawing strong boundaries may also be needed.

Although you cannot control the flow of a conversation, you can make sure that a feedback conversation covers some key elements, even when the feedback giver is not skilled. First, make sure that you are both aligned: is this appreciation, coaching, or evaluation? What are the consequences of not listening to the feedback? Second, dig into the substance of the feedback. Ask questions, respond to the feedback, figure out ways to make the conversation more effective (e.g., separating out separate topics to avoid switchtracking), and work on figuring out the consequences of the feedback. Finally, make sure there is a clear commitment to next steps. If you're going to take the feedback, be explicit about what you're going to do. If you're not going to take the feedback, be explicit about that too. The important thing is to make sure the conversation closes with both participants on the same page about the result of the conversation.

Finally, the book ends with a brief discussion of feedback systems, especially in organizations. The key takeaways of this section is that there is no perfect feedback systems and that the most important thing is to have a culture where feedback is valued, including feedback to leaders from those they lead.

Overall, this book was quite valuable and one I'm likely to refer to again.

[Tigran Mamikonian]

Книгу подарил мне мой хороший друг и коллега юрист по профессии (как раз один из авторов является лектором в Гарвардской Школе юриспруденции). Книгу прочитал в августе 2016 года, но ее анализ и написание ревью заняло у меня чуть меньше полугода… но это того стоило на все 100%.

Тема обратной связи меня всегда интересовала особенно, т.к. частенько ловил себя на мысли, насколько сложно воспринимать мнения окружающих о себе или о чем-либо, где у меня есть уже четкое и устоявшееся мнение. А если это касается непосредственно меня, будучи уверенным в себе оптимистом, подчас воспринимать спокойно информацию было практически невозможно.

В книге нашел интересную историю, которая спокойно могла бы случиться со мной, даже в тех или иных вариациях со мной случалась…:

“Есть старая шутка о юном оптимисте, которого родители хотели научить смотреть на мир более реалистично. С этой целью они подарили ему на день рождения мешок конского навоза.
- Что тебе подарили? - спросила бабушка, морща нос от запаха.
- Еще не знаю, - воскликнул малыш, возбужденно копаясь в навозе, - но, думаю, где-то там должна быть лошадка!
Восприятие обратной связи может быть примерно таким же. Это не всегда приятно. Но где-то там обязательно должна быть лошадка."

Итак, авторы книги объясняют источник проблем при восприятии обратной связи напряжением, которое возникает между двумя базовыми потребностями каждого человека:
- Потребность/желание быть любимыми, уважаемыми такими, какие мы есть;
- Потребность/желание учиться и достигать результатов.

Итак, обратная связь часто поднимает градус напряжения между этими базовыми потребностями.

Авторы убеждены, что “… каждый из нас может снизить это напряжение: снизить уровень тревоги перед обратной связью и продолжать учиться вопреки СТРАХУ…”.

Очень часто обратная связь кажется ошибочной и необоснованной, но только развив в себе умение распознавать в себе сопротивление и преодолевать его, уверенно и заинтересованно обсуждать разные мнения, извлекать из обсуждения полезные уроки, можно укреплять связи с окружающими и быть счастливым.

Так авторы выделяют 3 ТРИГГЕРА, которые блокируют обратную связь:
1/ ТРИГГЕР ИСТИНЫ - когда отзыв, который вы слышите, кажется Вам неуместными, неконструктивными или попросту неверными. (мысли: “Это неправда!”, “Это бесполезно”, “Это не я!”);
2/ ТРИГГЕР ОТНОШЕНИЙ - когда полученный отзыв Вы связываете с личностью человека, который дает обратную связь (“не могу слышать этого от вас!”); (мысли: “Чья бы корова мычала…!”, “Проблема не во мне, а в тебе”)
3/ ТРИГГЕР САМОЛЮБИЯ - что-то в этой обратной связи задевает Ваше самолюбие. (мысли: “Я все испортил”, “Я обречен”, “Я же неплохой человек - или плохой?”)

Итак, в книге даются рекомендации о том, как работать с этими триггерами (препятствиями), чтобы можно было более конструктивно воспринимать любую обратную связь.

ТРИГГЕР ИСТИНЫ:

1/ Определить, к какому типу обратной связи относится сказанное: признательность, наставничество или оценивание.
Мы нуждаемся во всех 3х видах обратной связи, но важно различать их для лучшего понимания и определения следующих шагов.
Признательность/Appreciation - всякая обратная связь, свидетельствующая о благодарности, когда говорят “спасибо”! Мотивирует и поддерживает нас.
Наставничество / Mentoring - всякая обратная связь, призванная научить Вас чему-то. Помогает нам развиваться.
Оценивание / Evaluation - высказывание абсолютных или относительных оценок Вам и Вашим поступкам. Информирует нас о текущем положении.

2/ Определить свою цель и обсуждайте ее - что является вашей главной цель - наставничество, оценивание или выражение признательности? Вы пытаетесь помочь другому человеку стать лучше, оценить его или выразить ему свою благодарность или поддержку?
Далее ясно обсуждайте это. Например:
“В мои намерения входит чему-то научить вас. Вы именно это воспринимаете? С вашей точки зрения, вы именно в этом нуждаетесь?” Если собеседник отвечает Вам, что ему приятно было бы услышать, что он хоть что-то делает правильно, это сигнал к тому, что ему хотелось бы услышать слова признательности и, может быть, положительную оценку своей деятельности.
Или: “Вы называете это наставничеством, но я слышу в ваших словах и оценку. Правильно ли я понимаю: вы считаете, что я не справляюсь?”.
И помните, ложка оценивания, способна испортить целую бочку наставничества и признательности.

3/ Стараемся понять глубже.
Переход от “Это неправильно” к “Расскажите подробнее”.
Если после уточняющих/углубляющих вопросов все-таки остается несогласованность позиций, то:
Помогите мне понять вашу точку зрения…
Помогите мне понять, где я запутался...
Давайте вместе разберемся, почему наши взгляды расходятся?
Важно понять, откуда обратная связь идет и куда она ведет. Для этого подчас необходимо пройти вместе по всей цепочке данные - интерпретация - ярлык - рекомендации/последствия.

4/ Определяем свои “слепые” пятна - здесь речь идет о том, что стараемся понять, что мы не замечаем и что видит собеседник - мимика, голос, жесты, эмоции, намерения, предыстория и т.д.

ТРИГГЕР ОТНОШЕНИЙ:
- Различайте “что сказал/сделал” от “кто сказал/сделал”
- Не переводите стрелки и четко разграничивайте/определяйте колею обсуждения. Разделяйте четко друг от друга темы разговора, типа “ты меня не любишь и как собрать вещи в командировку”, “пешеход бьет кулаком о вашу машину и кричит “Ты на переход заехал!”, а вы кричите “Не смей трогать мою машину!”
- Определите роли сторон - сделайте 3 шага назад: а) взаимодействие “ты+я” характеры; б) столкновение ролей; в) общая картина.
Авторы хорошо подмечают, что обратная связь как правило автобиографична.

ТРИГГЕР САМОЛЮБИЯ:
- Освобождение от программы - здесь авторы подмечают, что на восприятие любой обратной связи существенное влияние оказывает программа в самом человеке, которая проецирует любое сообщение под данную программу. Т.е. изначальное сообщение не столь влияет на восприятие…
Авторы рекомендуют:
- постараться максимально объективно воспринимать происходящее и анализировать прошлое;
- настроится на рост и развитие:
3 убеждения, которые помогут упрочить свою самоидентификацию:
а) ошибки неизбежны
б) ваши намерения сложны и противоречивы
в) проблема возникла не без вашего участия

3 практических метода настройки на рост:
1/ Настройтесь на наставничество. В этом случае, даже обратную связь вида оценивание расценивайте как попытку наставничества и постарайтесь добиться истинного наставничества.
2/ Выделите суждение из оценочного комплекта
3/ Поставьте себе вторую оценку. Если даже счет на табло “плохой”, то можно себе по какой-то другой шкале поставить высшую оценку (например “старание”).

После проработки всех типов обратной связи, важно четко представлять и коммуницировать свои границы, если становится понятно, что невозможно признать себе полезность получаемой обратной связи.
Три типа границ:
1/ Я не могу воспользоваться Вашим советом: “Я рад услышать ваше мнение… и, возможно, им не воспользуюсь”.
2/ Мне не нужна обратная связь на эту тему, во всяком случае сейчас
3/ Прекрати, или я ухожу.

И наконец авторы дают несколько практических советов о том, как проверить, насколько хорошо освоен материал:
1/ Спросите у своих знакомых: “Назовите одну из моих привычек поведения, которая мешает мне преуспеть” или еще проще “Назовите какое-то одно из моих действий, которое мешает мне преуспеть”;
2/ Прислушайтесь к общим темам, которые звучат в обратной связи относительно Вас;
3/ Спросите у знакомых: “Что мне следует в себе изменить (назовите что-то одно), чтобы это было лучше для вас?”.

Однозначно, буду возвращаться к данной книге и буду работать над своим умением получать обратную связь!
Всем рекомендую этот фундаментальный труд, 5 баллов!

ссылка на полную версию ревью, включая mind map (https://www.evernote.com/l/ABZnK8Erm8...)

[Diana Pojar · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book made me think differently about feedback and also made me think more about my own reactions and how I’m reacting or taking in things that other people say to me. If you want to give better feedback to people or you want to make more of the feedback and conversations you have with people around you this book is great.

The book describes different types of feedback that people can give (coaching, evaluation, appreciation) and offer tools to help you receiving it. Many people have triggers and reactions to feedback, so it’s important to do some self reflection and identify your own triggers that might prevent you from actually taking in and be actionable about the feedback you received. And the books helps with this.

[Adriana · Rating 4 out of 5]

I dread feedback. I've dreaded it all my professional life. After reading the book I believe I had really bad experiences with feedback, both parts a culprits of it, but this book is great with helping with that.
It helped me put a name and understanding what is going on.
It thought me that I can not control how the feedback in given but I can control how to take it and get something out of it either things to improve or just experience on getting to know me better and the reasons I'm a certain way. It explains all the extras that are brought to the table on feedback conversations and by understanding what is going on maybe and only maybe I won't panic in the face of feedback.

[Sarah · Rating 5 out of 5]

I won this book through goodreads.Since we all give and receive advice,this book is a must read,if you are interested in being an effective communicator.I would especially recommend this book to supervisors,and also to men having difficulty communicating in a marriage.I found the text interesting,and motivating for my personal improvement.Like anything in life,we need to accept more responsibility for our communication with others.The first step toward better communication is to read this book.

[Matthew · Rating 5 out of 5]

GREAT read. Very informative and chocked with tons of useful suggestions, some of which I've already been putting into practice.

[Emily · Rating 4 out of 5]

I heard about this book in a management seminar with a really wonderful presenter. Her ideas and methods are rooted in neuroscience and behavioral studies, and they really ring true, besides being compassionate and geared toward understanding differences and being better listeners and communicators. This is a whole book of that, with a focus on receiving feedback, which is defined broadly: anything from responding to a performance review at work to responding to a spouse’s criticism or a neighbor leaving notes in your mailbox about your pet being a nuisance.

I was getting so much out of this, I bought it so I could highlight and reread. It’s got a lot to offer regarding both personal and business communication, and the presentation is relatable and often humorous. Retention is getting more challenging as I get older, so I’ll probably need to review it more to internalize what I want to remember, but a couple of the things stuck in my mind—the idea of slowing things down and stepping out (mentally and verbally) of a feedback conversation to think about and discuss how it’s going, asking for feedback and letting the person know specifically what you need, “coaching the coach,” or letting your feedback giver know what works best to motivate you, the discussion of different temperaments (the reminder that I’m not alone in catastrophizing negative feedback was helpful, but it also got me to examine myself and realize I usually bounce back pretty quickly too), and the concept of needing both supportive mirrors and honest mirrors in your life.

It’s an older book, but I found it extremely relevant, and I think it has lasting power as a book about this important aspect of communication.

[Daniel Lee · Rating 4 out of 5]

Pretty good. Lots of common sense. Difficult to focus at times because (appropriately) the book either (implicitly or explicitly) asks you to reflect on your own life. This is the problem with all self-help books. Also You can't stop help but wonder if the reason that the examples are drawn out and that later chapters seem lower-yield is because they need to see a ~250 page book for you to justify spending $20 on the paperback. Either way my life is made better by reading it and these criticisms are not specific to this book.

The content is pretty good. Very applicable someone going through carms and looking to become a resident in the near future, where you are given feedback every day.

[Sejal · Rating 5 out of 5]

Wow. I’ve always thought of myself as being good at giving and receiving feedback but this book showed me that I have a lot to learn—and I’m excited by it. It looks at feedback in personal relationships, professional relationships and everything in between. There were times I felt triggered because I was able to see the ways that I didn’t give or receive feedback well and understand the disruption in the situation and relationship as an impact. Highly recommend people read this book, and read it with people, because it’s one where hearing different aha moments will surely give you insights into how to be a better feedback giver/receiver with the different people in your life. Only good can come from the learnings in this book.

[Emily Silva · Rating 5 out of 5]

One of my favourite books. Changed how I view accepting and also giving feedback in efficient ways.

[Simonas · Rating 3 out of 5]

Reikėjo gal įsiskaityti į knygos pavadinimą, pats žioplas, kad tikėjausi, jog knyga rašys daugiau kaip duoti feedback'ą, o ne kaip gauti. Realiai visa knyga tik apie įsiklausymą, gavimą ir nereikalingų dalykų ignoravimą. Daug tokio pobūdžio knygų yra kur viena mintis išplėtota pasakojimais, tai čia priešingai - atrodo tos "mėsos", visokių bullet pointų net per daug, juk galima į šį klausimą pažiūrėti ir paprasčiau. Teko pasikankinti, kad užbaigti. "Keep it simple stupid", norisi patarti autoriui.

[Madeline Belanger · Rating 3 out of 5]

Lil condescending at times?? But I guess not all bad 🤷🏼‍♀️

[Ben Brooks · Rating 4 out of 5]

Took me way too long to finish. Actually high quality compared to most self help-style books. Lots of actionable advice, relevant stories, and themes backed by research. Would truly recommend!

[Julie · Rating 4 out of 5]

I learned A LOT from this book. For the people rating it one star because the book is just “common sense” you should be proud of yourself for being such a with-it person. I had never thought much about feedback and having it broken down so explicitly was so helpful. I am going to list SO MANY QUOTES because I plan to refer back to this when I need a refresher about how to act in regards to both giving and receiving feedback.

When we give feedback, we notice that the receiver isn't good at receiving it. When we receive feedback, we notice that the giver isn't good at givingHa! It’s always the other person who is not doing it correctly.

It doesn't matter how much authority a feedback giver has; the receivers are in control of what they do and don't let in, how they make sense of what they're hearing, and whether they choose to change.Instead of teaching people how to better give feedback, businesses should focus on teaching people how to receive it.

Receiving feedback well means engaging in the conversation skillfully and making thoughtful choices about whether/how to use the information and what you're learning. It's about managing your emotional triggers so that you can take in what the other person is telling you, and being open to seeing yourself in new ways.The goal!

People who are willing to look at themselves are just easier to work with and to live with.
Being with people who are grounded and open is energizing...In contrast, working or living with someone who shuts out feedback or responds with defensiveness and arguments is exhausting. We walk on eggshells and live in fear of pointless conflicts. Frank discussion fades and feedback goes un-spoken, depriving the"receiver" of the chance to understand what's gone wrong or to fix it. We all want to be that first person!

Feedback triggers us 3 ways- “Truth Triggers," “Relationship Triggers," and “Identity Triggers.” Truth Triggers are set off by the substance of the feedback itself -it's somehow off, unhelpful, or simply untrue.Relationship Triggers are tripped by the particular person giving us feedback. We can have reactions based on what we believe about the giver (they've got no credibility on this topic!) or how we feel treated by the giver (after all l've done for you, I get this kind of criticism?)Identity Triggers are all about us. Something about the feedback has caused our identity to come undone. We feel overwhelmed, threatened, ashamed, or off balance. When we're in this state, the past can look damning and the future bleak. That's the identity trigger talking, and once it gets tripped, a nuanced discussion of our strengths and weaknesses is not in the cards.

Feedback comes in three forms: appreciation (thanks), coaching (here's a better way to do it), and evaluation (here's where you stand).

Feedback in relationships is rarely the story of you or me. It's the story of you AND me. It's the story of our relationship system..."What's the dynamic between us and what are we each contributing to the problem?"

Appreciation motivates us-it gives us a bounce in our step and the energy to redouble our efforts.
When people complain that they don't get enough feedback at work, they often mean that they wonder whether anyone notices or cares how hard they're working. They don't want advice. They want appreciation.

When you ask your boss for more direction, you're asking for coaching. Coaching is aimed at trying to help someone learn, grow, or change. The focus is on helping the person improve.

Evaluations are always in some respect comparisons, implicitly or explicitly, against others or against a particular set of standards. And it is the bullwhip of negative judgment that produces much of our anxiety around feedback.

I was looking for appreciation, but you gave me evaluation. You intended to give me one kind of feedback, but I interpreted it incorrectly-you sought to give me coaching, but I heard it as evaluation.
Once crossed, these wires are tough to untangle.

On the receiving end, we constantly funnel the advice we're given into either evaluation or coaching slots...that employee down at Motor Vehicles who tells you you're in the wrong line?
Was that comment meant as coaching (this will save you time or evaluation (you can't even follow the simplest instructions, you dolt)? I read once to assume best intentions from the other person talking to you and I’ve found that very helpful. How you react really influences the entire tone of the interaction.

All too often, feedback that is offered as coaching is heard as evaluation.

Discuss the purpose of the feedback explicitly...During the conversation, check in periodically:
"I'm intending to give you coaching. Is that how you're hearing it? From your point of view, is that what you need?” Remember: Explicit disagreement is better than implicit misunderstanding. Explicit disagreement leads to clarity, and is the first step in each of you getting your differing needs met.

The evaluation conversation needs to take place first. When a professor hands back a graded paper, the student will first turn to the last page to check their grade. Only then can they take in the instructor’s notes. We can't focus on how to improve until we know where we stand.

It is said that all advice is autobiographical. We interpret what we see based on our own life experiences, assumptions, preferences, priorities, and implicit rules about how things work and how one should be. I understand your life through the lens of my life; my advice for you is based on me.Ooooh, this is so true and I never considered that before.

"I saw people parenting badly." We think that's the actual data because that's how we've stored it in memory. But the actual data was the particular way the woman didn't respond when the baby wailed. Bad parenting is not the data; it's our auto-story about the encounter.Great clarification!

Viewing feedback differently isn't simply that one of us is wrong; it’s that we have different data, and we interpret that data differently. Even when we have access to the same data, we tend to notice different things. We are all moving along the same sidewalk, but the historian may notice the brickwork, the jogger the impact on her knees, and the fellow in the wheelchair the areas that are less accessible.Same data, different focus!

Wrong spotting is so much more compelling than difference spotting. Being aware of what they see that we don't is just not as delicious as listening for how they're wrong. And once we spot an error, we can't contain ourselves; we have to jump in and set things straight. But we have to fight that instinct.

When Janie looks around the house, she sees clutter and chaos, and despairs that her life is out of control. She feels stretched too thin between work and home and is ashamed when she imagines what her mother would say if she saw how they live. Ripley looks at the same clutter and sees a rich family life bursting with the energy and joy of kids being kids. For him, that chaos is comforting.This made me think of the book Fair Play, about how couples live together and divide responsibilities. We need to think about why we feel certain chores are important and how they make us feel and understand that others will have different interpretations

One of the primary reasons we interpret data differently is that we have different rules in our heads about how things should be. But we don't think of them as our rules. We think of them as THE rules.

Implicit rules can be about specific matters -like whether being "on time" means seated and ready to go or just wandering in - or about more general issues-like what it means to be a friend...Feedback that isn't making sense can suddenly fall into place when we understand the implicit rule underlying the interpretations. I assumed that asking questions at the company meeting showed engagement; | learn that it's read as rude and contrarian.

"That is so far from how I see myself-or hope to be seen-that I'm almost speechless. I want to explain why, but I also want to make sure that I really understand what you're saying." How to respond when someone tells you something you find SOOO off base.

People know how they intend to come across but can be blind to their actual impact on others...Zoe thinks she's supportive of new ideas, but is always the first to shoot down a creative
suggestion...Mehmet takes neutral questions ("Did you have a good weekend?”) as criticism ("Do you assume | didn't?") and is confused about why others see him as prickly...Jules keeps talking long after you've signaled you need to go.Makes me wonder what I am getting wrong about how I am viewed.

The human deftness at reading people is most visible in its absence. Autistic people struggle with this. They can't read the social cues transmitted by faces or tone.This language that seems so natural to most people can be a struggle for them to learn.YES. My autistic daughter cannot hear tone at all. It was wild when we first realized that.

Infants sort what they hear through the superior temporal sulcus (STS), located just above the ear. At four months all auditory information is attended to by the STS. But by seven months, babies start singling out human voices as the only sounds that trigger attention from the STS. The STS shows especially heightened activity when that voice carries emotion. This little piece of our brain is dedicated to taking in language and reading tone and meaning.Oooooh!!! My daughter has auditory processing disorder which mean she hears everything at once, she doesn’t sort out some sounds as more important than others. I had no idea this was the basis for not hearing tones when people speak.

When your colleague mentions your outburst and the way you "stormed" out of the room, you are in disbelief: "I've never once raised my voice at you," you assert. "And I don't 'storm." And in your mind, you never have. When we are angry, we are focused on the provocation, the threat. It's the threat that we remember later but for your colleague, your anger is their threat. Your anger is integral to how your colleague sees you and interacts with you.

When something goes wrong and I am part of it, I will tend to attribute my actions to the situation; you will tend to attribute my actions to my character. When I hop on a conference call five minutes late, you say I'm scatterbrained (character). I say I was juggling five things at once (situation).

The "fix" is to separate intentions from impacts.

37 percent of Americans report being victims of workplace bullies, but fewer than 1 percent report being bullies so some percentage of those feeling bullied are receiving ill treatment from people who are unaware of their impact. The “bullies” judge themselves by their intentions ("| was just trying to get the job done right!") and attribute others' reactions to their hypersensitivity (character) Ooooh, the reasoning behind people who say “I was just joking"

Instead of dismissing feedback, use it as a blind-spot alert. When you notice yourself wondering What was their agenda? and What's wrong with them?, make sure your next thought is I wonder if this feedback is sitting in my blind spot.

"What do you see me doing, or failing to do, that is getting in my own way?" This question is more specific about the honesty you desire as well as your interest in the impact you have on others. It's also a narrower and easier question for others to answer.

"Here's feedback I just got. It seems wrong. My first reaction is to reject it. But I wonder if this is feedback in a blind spot? Do you see me doing this sometimes, and if so, when? What impact do you see it having?" You have to let your friend know that you want honesty.

A supportive mirror shows us our best self, well rested and under flattering light. We go to a supportive mirror for reassurance. Yes, how we acted in that moment was not a pretty picture, but it's not how we really look. It's not a big deal.You're a good person...An honest mirror shows us what we look like right now when we're not at our best. It's a true reflection of what others saw today. "Yes, you really did come across that way. It's not a good thing.”…We often ask the people closest to us to be supportive mirrors. We share a piece of feedback, implicitly inviting our friend to be on our side: "He's over-reacting, right?

For many of us, watching ourselves on video or hearing ourselves on audio is unpleasant at best. But it can be enormously illuminating, enabling us to hear our own tone and see our own behavior in ways that are normally invisible to us.

There are smartphone apps that gather data as people interact throughout the day. Designed to track tone, pitch, pace, gestures, and other nonverbal cues, these devices help the researchers examine how such social signals influence productivity and decision making.WHAAAA???? I need to research this for my daughter.

A person receiving feedback is unaware that they are changing the subject. Louie does not switch topics to avoid Kim's feedback. He switches topics because he feels triggered. We get feedback; we experience a relationship trigger; we change the topic to how we feel; and, step four, we talk past each other.

We should just be aware that we don't know others intentions, which makes arguing about intentions a conversational dead end.

Treat trust and content as separate topics, because they are separate topics.

You ignore me but the minute some stranger says the same thing, you're sold?” Indeed. The advice was identical, but the person giving it changed which removed the relationship trigger that blocked the feedback when it came from his girlfriend. OH. This is why your kid won’t listen to your good advice but will do it when someone else suggests it.

Want to fast-track your growth? Go directly to the people you have the hardest time with. Ask them what you're doing that's exacerbating the situation. They will surely tell you.

When we say, "accept me as I am," are we really just asking for immunity from critique? Forgot to pick up the kids after school? That's just who I am! Lost my temper in front of our new funders? Just me being me! Crashed the car after too many drinks at the party? C'est moi!

The template for signposting is this: "| see two related but separate topics for us to discuss.
They are both important. Let's discuss each topic fully but separately, giving each topic its own track.
After we've finished discussing the first topic, we'll swing back around and discuss the second one."

listen for the fears and concerns underlying your mother's advice, which may be at the heart of what's going on for her. Instead of arguing with her dating advice, ask: "What are you worried about?" You might learn -this is less about accepting who you are, and more about her worries about who she is, and her worries for you.

When something goes wrong in a relationship system, we each see some things the other doesn’t. I tend to see the things that you did that led to it, and you tend to see the things I did. We see ourselves as merely responding to the problem that the other person is creating.

Our own patterns can be hard to see, although people outside of them can often spot their contours easily. You are exasperated with your kids: Why do I have to ask you seven hundred times to get your shoes out of the middle of the kitchen? Your father-in-law is visiting and offers some (uninvited) coaching: "You need to follow through. You need to be consistent.” This is enough to send you over the edge-you are following through by asking them 699 more times, after all. Previously, you had been giving up and moving the shoes yourself. Yet your father-in-law sees something in your relationship system with the kids that you don't see. He sees the progression as you ask nicely, prod gently, admonish with threats, and finally lose it. And he can see that your kids have learned that Mom doesn't actually "mean it" until she yells. So they ignore you and watch TV while they wait for you to mean it.

Fine, you say, but what about the times the other person's behavior really is blameworthy? There are two common feedback profiles that are particularly challenging to deal with on the topic of accountability: shifters and absorbers. The blame absorber. When things go wrong, you point the finger at yourself, now and forever. You cheated on me? I must not be attractive enough. Our product didn't sell to expectations? | screwed up the launch. The blame shifters are chronically immune to acknowledging their role in problems. When they get feedback or suffer failure, they are quick to point out everyone who hindered their efforts or is biased against them. Shifters find themselves constantly assaulted by everyone else's incompetence or treacherousness. They are victims, powerless to protect themselves and a victim stance makes it impossible for feedback to penetrate

There's still something you can do. Rather than trying to force them to admit to/take responsibility for their part in the problem, describe how they could get a better reaction from you. You're asking them to change, but you're casting it (legitimately) in service of helping you change. “I have the strongest reaction to being surprised, because it makes me panic about where else you might be spending and not telling me. I know I'm overreacting sometimes and I'm working on that. It would help me if you would be willing to be upfront with me about your purchases and we can budget for them together. Good tip! Have it be they are helping you, not changing because they are wrong/bad.

Understanding your own wiring helps you to improve your ability to weather the storm of negative feedback. This doesn't absolve you of responsibility for how you are and how you act. It is simply a true and useful observation: wiring matters. Some of us swing far in either direction, even when the input is minor, while others live in a narrower emotional band. These tendencies appear to be present from birth. Whether you swing wide emotionally or barely budge, the last variable is duration-how long it takes you to recover from feedback.

[Jelena Jonis · Rating 4 out of 5]

Jokių mokymų apie grįžtamąjį ryšį nereikia po šios knygos. Viskas išdėliota į lentynėles, viskas paaiškinta, viskas tiksliai aprašyta. Visada žinojau, kad reikia mokyti(-s) grįžtamąjį ryšį priimti, o ne jį suteikti, bet kaip tai padaryti - va čia jau buvo sunkiau. Ir nors nemažai taisyklių, kurias radau šioje knygoje, nesąmoningai taikiau gyvenime, bet kai jos užrašytos juodai ant balto, pradedi jas vertinti visai kitaip. Pradedi jomis vadovautis tikslingai, o ne "kada išeina".

Kokias taisykles išskyriau sau:
1. Grįžtamąjį ryšį mes dažnai priimame kaip įvertinimą, nors mus nori pamokyti. Geras pratimas, kaip patikrinti, ar žmogus mus įvertina, ar pamoko, yra išgirdus jo feedback’ą, mintyse atsakyti dviem būdais: pirmasis, “tu teisus, aš nesu geras draugas/kompetentingas darbuotojas” (įvertinimo atsakymas) - žmogus labai retai priims tokį atsakymą, nes greičiausiai norėjo pamokyti ir laukė atsakymo panašaus į “tu teisus, aš esu išsiblaškęs, todėl man reikia daugiau koncentruotis į svarbesnes užduotis. Tą ir darysiu ateityje”.
2. Kai vyksta grįžtamojo ryšio pokalbis, kad jis atneštų rezultatus, reikia susitarti, kokių veiksmų ir kas įmasi po šio pokalbio. Kitaip pokalbis ir liks pokalbiu.
3. Jeigu feedback’as labai didelės apimties, galima prašyti patikslinti - pasakyk man vieną dalyką, kurį aš truėčiau pakeisti, kad būčiau geresnis/…
4. Geriausi pokalbių vedėjai geba kartu ir dalyvauti pokalbyje, ir tarsi žiūrėti į jį iš šono, būti jo teisėjais (t.y., sugebėti grąžinti pokalbį į jo pradinę kryptį, atskirti skirtingas temas ir pan.).
5. Pradėjus pokyčius (pvz., naujų įpročių formavimas) galima patekti į "J" kreivę, t.y., iš pradžių jautiesi prasčiau, nesiseka, nuotaika bloga. Taip yra trumpuoju laikotarpiu, bet ateityje kreivė ir savijauta kils į viršų. Todėl būtina sau duoti laiko pokyčiui įvykdyti: 3 savaites ar porą mėnesių. Tai pagrindinė sąlyga. Pažadas sau - jeigu per šį laiką nepagerės niekas, tada įpročio formavimą mesiu.