Not the Mother I Remember: A Memoir

by Amber Lea Starfire

When Amber discovers cardboard boxes containing a lifetime of her mother's journals and letters, she realizes she's been given a rare chance to unlock the enigma that had been her mother-but will her mother's writings reveal the woman she remembers, or someone else altogether? Not the Mother I Remember tells the story of a sensitive girl raised by an exceptional and unconventional woman during a time of social change, gradually exposing the true nature of their relationship and their extraordinary bonds.

Genres: Memoir, Nonfiction, Book Club, Womens

281 pages, Kindle Edition

First published November 28, 2013

Reviews

[Laura · Rating 5 out of 5]

I don’t usually want to read a memoir of a person I do not know who is not famous in some way. Outstanding artists, musicians, military heroes, and Presidents have been more of a draw for me.

Fortunately, I took a chance and read this author’s memoir. It was a fascinating and well-written read. The story pulled me in rapidly and enticed me on with yet another adventure. I actually was sad when the book ended. Having reviewed a few memoirs recently, this one is my favorite. I expect it will stay in my memory for a long time.

When we are children we have certain memories of events. These memories may be very different from the experience of others. We see who our parents are through our individual filters.

The author had a good deal of resentment and even hatred, at times, toward her mother, Jacquelyn B. Carr. Her mother was unconventional, a wild “free spirit” who in her striving for freedom sometimes brought her children into dangerous situations and was even guilty of neglect at times. When her mother died, Amber had the opportunity to read the numerous journals and letters she wrote about her life. Often the family events that the author remembered were not even recorded by her mother. Jacquelyn chose other events to record.

After sifting through reams of paper recordings, the author came to know and admire her mother in new ways, although a little resentment still lingered. Jacquelyn’s strength and her support of her children may have lacked something that Amber and her siblings needed, but she did what she thought was right at the time. Jacquelyn saw the world through different eyes than her daughter.

Most of us have issues with our parents. My childhood experiences run parallel to the author’s in some respects. When my parents died, I had to come to terms with my resentments mixed with my love for them. This memoir had special meaning for me. As the author has done, I resolved most of my issues, but it took years.

I received a free digital copy of this memoir in exchange for an honest review.

[Kathleen Pooler · Rating 5 out of 5]

Mother –daughter relationships are complex under the best of circumstances. In her stunning memoir, Not the Mother I Remember, Amber Lea Starfire details the complexities of her own relationship with her mother through her dead mother’s journals and letters. What she discovers is both heartbreaking and transformative as she slowly unveils the meaning of her mother’s words and reflects on the perception of the mother she thought she knew. With raw honesty and vivid prose, she conveys the heartache and confusion of a child who craves her mother’s attention. As a reader, I felt her childhood anguish yet I was also mesmerized by her mother’s spirit of adventure and independence. What mother earns a pilot’s license and flies her two children all over the country, making sure to land in each state? As in life, the characters are multidimensional, each with their flaws and redeeming features. Starfire portrays her characters realistically and makes them believable. I could admire her mother’s spunk while also wishing she could have been more present to her children.

What resulted from these painful revelations about her mother is a deeper understanding of a woman trying to find her place. It is through facing the pain of the past that Starfire is able to reach a level of acceptance and forgiveness toward her mother and in doing so, she sets herself free.

This is a beautifully written, powerful memoir about one woman’s heroic journey into the past to find freedom for herself.

[Renee Cassese · Rating 5 out of 5]

"Not the Mother I Remember" braids together Amber Starfire's childhood story with the stories she found in her mother's journals. She writes with magical detail and great sensitivity, showing how our memories of life are personal and not necessarily the same as those who lived through the same times. I believe every woman should read this book to see the honest expression of love and to learn how individual perspectives can be so different. Every woman who reads this book will wish she had her mother's journals to learn what the woman who raised her really thought and felt. A winner of a read.

[Deborah Hagler Wong · Rating 5 out of 5]

There are two voices in this memoir - the author's and her mother (Jackie Carr)'s. Amber Lea Starfire offers an introduction to prepare the reader for the way in which the story is presented, which makes it easier to follow. Jackie Carr's voice is found mainly in her journal entries and correspondence, which were found when Amber was cleaning out her mother's home.

This reader truly felt for the child whose mother was always occupied, a seemingly neglected child who almost appeared to be an afterthought to her mother. I felt angry on Amber's behalf when her mother casually informs her daughter of her true parentage, and numerous other incidents which were either thoughtless, cruel, or inappropriate.

Thinking that the mother's journals might hold the "other side of the story" offering some plausible explanation for her daughter's childhood memories, I found that although Jackie was often brilliant and ahead of her time in many respects, she appeared to be unaware of the effect that her decisions and behavior had on her children. One reckless incident in particular involved her taking two of her children on a world tour, often piloting her own small aircraft. As the daughter of a pilot who also put his children through dangerous flights, that part of the story hit a nerve with me (my father later died in a private plane crash - luckily, no one else was aboard).

In any event, it was only after receiving her Alzheimer's diagnosis in her later years did Jackie Carr reflect upon her regrets as far as her children were concerned. Prior to that, she admitted that she never believed in having regrets, or saying "sorry". She did try to cover financially for her six children, which unfortunately couldn't completely make up for the lack of stable and loving parenting.

Eventually one finds that along with the author's goal to resolve the resentment and hurt from her childhood, she learns to forgive her mother, as well as learning more about herself along the way.

[Story Circle Book Reviews · Rating 4 out of 5]

"Try to see it my way
Only time will tell if I am right or I am wrong."
—John Lennon & Paul McCartney

While the Beatles may have been singing about romantic relationships in their 1965 hit, "We Can Work It Out," the lyrics could easily be about the generation gap that became so apparent in that tumultuous decade. Expectations were shifting, especially for women, and Amber Lea Starfire's detailed memoir poignantly captures this moment in time through the parallel perspectives of her own childhood stories and her mother's meticulous—and startling—personal journals.

In a scene reminiscent of Terry Tempest Williams' recent memoir, When We Were Birds, Starfire discovers boxes of journals while cleaning the apartment her mother, Jackie, must leave because her Alzheimer's disease is too advanced for her to live alone. While Williams' journey grows from the enigmatically empty pages she finds on her mother's shelf, Starfire is faced with volume upon volume of detailed writings that cover year after year of adventures, flirtations, affairs, and most of all, longings. This is not the fragile woman Starfire felt she had to protect as a child, but a woman struggling to blossom beyond the expectations of her role as wife and mother.

Starfire alternates between her own childhood stories and excerpts from her mother's writings. Both voices are strong, and though they share the same experiences—an ambitious "world tour" in 1962 and cross-country flights with Jackie as a new pilot—mother and daughter come away with very different lessons. Jackie is spreading her wings, while young Linda (Starfire's given name) often feels neglected. Starfire's gift as a writer is that she shows both perspectives, and while her hurt is palpable, she doesn't condemn her mother's actions, but instead seeks to understand them.

One particularly poignant scene chronicles a visit to Planned Parenthood for birth control. It's a powerful moment, personally and politically. While Jackie is acknowledging the teenage Linda's maturity and independence in a way many mothers of the time would have been unable to do, she's so ashamed of the whole affair that she waits outside the clinic, as though this is a crime and she's the driver of the getaway car. Scenes like this capture the conflicted messages Jackie was giving, and Linda receiving, as they both tried to figure out their roles in the world.

While they never completely "worked it out"—Starfire didn't read her mother's journals until after her death—this mother-daughter memoir brings the two closer together than ever. Anyone who grew up in the 1960s will appreciate Starfire's unflinchingly honest look at a confusing, if ultimately liberating, era for women.

by Sheila Trask
for Story Circle Book Reviews
reviewing books by, for, and about women

[Anthony Stancomb · Rating 5 out of 5]

A brilliant book, it hurtles the reader though many decades of shambolic but exciting lives and lays bare the problems of a family living in the thrall of a mother who dominates their lives
It's moving and powerful as, the author takes us through her own turbulent life as well as her mother’s, and with great skill, she looks at events that have happened around her with a sharp and sensitive eye, and you experience the characters and events as if the author is sitting in a chair beside you. The descriptions of the frictions and tensions between her mother and her children were fascinating, and the excitement as she bounced from one situation and man to the next was startling.
It’s not often I just can’t put a book down, but this one I read in a day. The pace never flags, and the writing is superb. Nothing is dwelt on for too long, and the characters jump up at you from the page.
Actually, I don’t think the side of her mother she uncovers when she reads the diaries was much different to the one she had already experienced. She does discover a more reflective and understanding side to her mother, but in all, she was true to form throughout. Ten children so frequently don’t realise the depth of their parent’s feeling towards them – as I know well.
What is truly inspirational about the book is that the lives and tribulations of two equally strong, determined, but misguided women are laid bare, and despite the emotional angst, the wrong decisions and the failures, both of them seem to come out on top.
It may be a story about the usual tensions, dramas and internal politics of a typically middle class American family, but it’s quite a harrowing tale, and even though it’s not a long book, it’s an epic that stretches over four generations and it leaves you feeling drained and euphoric. At the end of it you feel you just finished watching a Shakespearean tragedy – or as Milton put it: ‘Calm of mind, all passion spent’.
Well worth the read.

[Linda · Rating 4 out of 5]

Amber finds her mother’s journal writings after she died and discovering what went on in the mind of the woman who could fill her with an oozing “tar” of hatred. Her mother was a product of her own childhood issues as well as a woman of the 60s. Since my own mother was quite conservative, I was astonished—horrified—to read some of the things Amber’s mother did. This is not a mommy-dearest kind of book, though. Amber loves her mother and tries to understand her, wants to forgive her and find peace. We follow Amber’s journey of remembering, of discovering this other woman through the pages of her journal, of the tar transforming.

Amber is thoughtful and gracious, managing to be respectful of her dysfunctional family while exposing the worst and letting us feel her emotions. I never felt like a voyeur of their dirty laundry – of which there is plenty. There is no tidy, happy ending, but Amber wraps up with a satisfying realism that anyone with a difficult mother can relate to. I found the story gripping, well-written and amazingly objective, a fascinating drama of a complex woman and the daughter who hoped for understanding and peace.

[Cathryn Wellner · Rating 4 out of 5]

After a lifetime in the shadow of a strong-willed, non-conformist mother with a yen for adventure, Starfire discovered her mother's letters. They cracked her open in fascinating but discomfiting ways. The woman she discovered was even more complicated than the mother she grew up with. Weaving her own memories with her mother's revelations make this a uniquely compelling memoir. I was drawn into it and finished it quickly.

I had the sense Amber still has some unfinished business coming to a sense of peace with her mother. But that is the lot of most of our lives. Blood is a strong connector, but it does not promise an easy acceptance of those who unsettle us, especially when they should be our strongest allies. When it comes to challenging parents, the unsettling runs deep and does not end with their death. Starfire does a masterful job with trying to sort through a lifetime of light and shadow and with revelations that came after dementia and death ended any possibility of opening difficult conversations.

[Lori · Rating 4 out of 5]

I was a goodreads first reads winner of the book "Not The Mother I remember:A Memoir"
this is an honest recollection of a Daugher's like with her mother. This is Amber's memoir growing up with a rather eccentric mom. After her mother died. Amber whose born name was Linda came across journals her mother wrote for decades. the mother she thought she knew all these years surprised her with the thoughts she wrote down in her journals. I found the part where her mom Jackie took her two youngest kids at eight and ten and traveled the world with them.wow what a year! A year after that her mother got her pilots license and took Linda to every state in the USA.
I think there are a lot of us who can relate to the "mother- daughter relationship. I know my own could be intense, good, and even frustrating at times. a nice read from a woman who "got to know" her mom a bit better after reading her journals.

[Mary Jo · Rating 5 out of 5]

Suppose you discovered boxes and boxes of papers that contained decades of your mother’s records and journals about nearly every aspect of her personal life? Then, imagine if, in those papers, you discovered a woman you either didn’t know, in great part, or had repressed. This was Amber Starfire’s experience, a gifted writer who, after her mother’s death, opened up those boxes, began sorting, arranging, editing, and ultimately writing the story of her mother.
Jacqueline Carr, mother to five sons and one daughter, Amber, was a highly intelligent and passionate woman who sought to experience everything she wanted from life. And she wanted much. By the sunset of her life, Jacqueline Carr had done much of what she wanted, yet there was a price tag: while Jackie Carr was often away or, when at home, she was deeply engaged in developing her latest idea or teaching or caring for pregnant teens, or something else, her daughter was alone with no one to help her navigate life’s roadmap.
Starfire tells not only her mother’s story, but also her own; the structure she uses to tell those stories is both unusual and exceptional. In chronological order, the author writes a chapter in her mother’s life and, then like a bookend, writes about her own, Starfire’s, life experiences during the same timeframe in the next chapter. These parallel stories thread the mother and daughter’s lives together in a powerful way as the author stitches their lives through time.
In her late twenties, Starfire arrives at a perfect storm moment and suddenly realizes how angry she is with her mother, a jarring, aching moment completely opposite from the long-ago little girl who’d wanted to grow up to be just like her mother. The heaviness in her heart that rises and recedes during the subsequent years, Starfire names “the tar,” for this reader, a profound symbol. As the chapters progress, each filled with the incredibly moving and powerful events of each woman’s life, and as the tar alternately turns hard and then sometimes softens through the moments, a gradual healing and peace begin to flow through the fabric of this remarkable, grace-filled story.
You will remember this stunning memoir long after you have tenderly closed the back cover.

[Lynette Stow · Rating 5 out of 5]

This well-written memoir is a poignant journey into the relationship between the author and her complicated mother. She paints a vivid picture of her mother as a bright, unconventional woman who was often thoughtless and destructive in her self-absorption. Her unrelenting quest for self-realization left a trail of broken relationships and damaged people in her wake. The stark contrast of her decline into the depths of Alzheimer’s is well-portrayed and stirring, her mother at turns infuriating and pathetic. Though difficult mother-daughter relationships are not a unique subject for discussion, by any means, this one is effectively developed through the parallel viewpoints of the author and her mother. After her mother’s death, the author wades through her journals and letters, striving to come to a better understanding of her as a person and of their relationship. She uses excerpts from those papers to present her mother’s viewpoint throughout the memoir. Despite the overwhelming negativity of the relationship, the author doesn’t allow this memoir to simply deteriorate into a diatribe. Although she describes in detail the hate she felt for her mother, the overall tone of the book is one of regret, tinged with gratitude and yes, even love.
There were several experiences and relationships where the author provided few details, and I would have liked to read more. I wanted more about the relationships the author had with her siblings and with the men who drifted in and out of her mother’s life. She only hints at the damage done to the other characters in her mother’s circle of influence. However, I realize that this is a memoir about her mother and her own relationship with her, not about everything else. And as memoir, there are areas in which she cannot possibly know all the details. I really enjoyed this book and give it five stars. I hope to read more by Ms. Starfire, perhaps focusing on her own experiences as an adult, her relationships and her own ongoing story of personal growth.

[Robert Norris · Rating 5 out of 5]

What a fantastic book! I can't remember the last time I was so thoroughly engrossed in a memoir. I applaud Amber Lea Starfire’s talent and courage in exploring in detail events from a complicated past with a headstrong mother whose impulsive actions and life decisions had far-reaching effects on all her children.

Starfire has a keen eye for the precise details needed to place the reader in the exact location and moment of a multitude of dramatic, life-changing scenes. Throughout the book, I was engaged with all my senses. I felt her shock when her mother bluntly informed her of having “two daddies.” I experienced her childhood frustrations, discoveries, and fears on a world-wide journey with a brother and her mother that culminated in witnessing mass cremations and burials on the Ganges in India. I shared her embarrassment in making her mother undergo a failed faith-healing by members of a fundamentalist religious group she belonged to in her twenties. I suffered the helplessness she felt during her mother’s descent into the hell of Alzheimer’s. And much more.

Not the Mother I Remember is not for the faint of heart but is a must-read for anyone who desires to explore the depths of parent-child relationships. Amber Lea Starfire is a highly talented author who will take you on a journey you won’t soon forget.

[Paul · Rating 4 out of 5]

A well-portrayed interspersal of a daughter's impression of her mother, and the mother's 20-year-old impression of herself, through her extensive journal notes. The daughter (the author) is a dreamer, her mother's love child living with her five half-brothers in sessions of torture excused as teasing and sessions of mild calm. The mother is a doer--a teacher, a flier, a counselor with two advanced degrees. The mother can't understand the daughter and vice-versa. The mother is hugely outgoing, promiscuous (love them, but don't commit to them), a fierce disciplinarian and manipulator who goes through the author's wastebasket to see what she may be up to, who hands her her first menstruation kit in front of her brothers and generally doesn't have a clue about what privacy is and why her children might like it. She's a rooftop shouter.

This book got more and more engaging and sad as it went along, with the daughter finally seeing, through her mother's extensive journals, what it was like to have to raise six kids when all you wanted to be was a star.

I took off one star because of the metaphor of her mother living like a ball of tar inside the author. This metaphor was beaten to death, then resurrected and beaten some more. Other than that, an excellent and absorbing book.

[Michele Gardiner · Rating 5 out of 5]

Fascinating and a bit heavy. I found the family dynamics interesting and really enjoyed the various adventures weaved through out. The heavy parts: all the family turmoil and struggles.

I've long realized even when individuals live in the same home and share experiences-rarely will two people's perspectives be a like. The last funeral I attended, the deceased woman's six children confirmed my belief-as each got up to share their memories of their mother. If I didn't know better, I'd have thought they were each talking about a different woman. The contrast was almost hilarious.

I appreciate how the author of "Not the Mother I remember" was inquisitive enough to delve into her mother's written thoughts, and for being open and honest enough to share.

The pages captivated me enough I read this in two days.

[Suanne · Rating 5 out of 5]

Not the Mother I Remember is situated uniquely among memoirs. More than a memoir it tells the story of a difficult relationship between a daughter and her mother from three points of view: the daughter as a child; the daughter as an adult; and the mother (told from journal entries). The author’s mother left marriage for a life as an independent woman who scarcely made time for her children and packed them off to stay elsewhere as often as possible. The memoir shows the role reversal with the daughter “parenting” a mother with Alzheimer’s. The mother, self-centered, hypercritical, and frequently absent, left indelible scars on her children. With the passage of time and the discovery of her mother’s journal’s, Starfire’s personal journey and maturity allows her to see how alike and how different she was from her mother.

[CV Weldon · Rating 5 out of 5]

I could not put the book down. Although I read this book since over a year now, I can still recall the beautifully told memoir. The thrill of reading the story is still with me, it was enjoyable. What a wonderful, fun, exciting childhood the author had.

[Julianna Mauga · Rating 5 out of 5]

Wonderful book

A relatable book with an honest look at the relationship between a mother and daughter. I loved how the author's view of her mother evolved while reading her journals. Very touching, I highly recommend.

[Margie · Rating 5 out of 5]

One Book Double Memoir

Amber writes her own memoir including excerpts from her mother's writing to unveil her past and learn about her mother. Moving, provocative and inspiring.

[Cynthia R Vincent · Rating 5 out of 5]

Parenting

I often wonder what my children think of my life. Will their opinion change when I’m gone and they read my travel journals and Majorie’s?

[Ann Stearns · Rating 5 out of 5]

If mother - daughter relationships interest you, this is the book for you. A truly captivating story.

[Carol Roberts · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book left me shattered at the sad story of a child’s desperate need for love and acceptance and a mother’s failure. It’s a fascinating read—most definitely creative nonfiction at its best.

[Lori · Rating 5 out of 5]

I enjoyed this book - It was a unique read and put together well.

[Melody K. · Rating 2 out of 5]

Strange book. A memoir of someone not famous with an almost unbelievable story about an eclectic and bizarre mother. I am still not sure if this was fiction or not. Very dysfunctional family at best.

[Nancy]

Book club

[Anne Kennedy · Rating 4 out of 5]

We all have different experiences growing up, but after reading this memoir I'm sure glad of mine.

[Shirley · Rating 5 out of 5]

This engaging memoir examines the mother-daughter relationship between Jacqueline Carr and her daughter Amber Lea Starfire.

Jackie was an independent and awe inspiring woman. This teacher and writer traveled the globe and traversed the United States with a newly acquired pilot's license and two of her children. Probably her most treasured gift to her family was a box containing notes, journals and letters that was uncoverd by her daughter after her mother's passing. How many of us have the opportunity to compare the thoughts and perceptions of our mother to our own memories of bygone days?

Was Jackie the perfect mother? Would I leave my children with strangers in a foreign country while I went off to explore a country's night life? Were Jackie's four children all successful in life? Is it fair to blame her for their struggles? Did she have a strong mother-daughter relationship with all of her children? Was she sometimes taken advantage of by those she held most dear? Can you imagine sending your teenage children off to fend for themselves?

Not the Mother I Remember is unique as it alternates between the daughter's childhood and adult memories and her mother's emails, letters, and writing. Memories from one and written documents from the other are on a constant collision course.

Starfire perceptably wrote upon discovering the box of memories, "Will I finally be able to let go of my disappointment and anger, and love for who she was, or will I still long for the mother I believed she should have been?" (p. 9)

The author describes a dream at the beginning of the chapter called Role Reversal. It is too lengthy to include here but it is an example of Starfire's exemplory writing style that draws the reader into the story and makes many of the events stick with the reader.

A less lengthy example of Starfire's descriptive writing was "My vision telescoped and narrowed until the room went dark. Black as ink, as though I'd gone suddenly blind. The windowless space pressed against my chest, and it felt as though I was pulling an unbreathable, gel-like liquid into my lungs instead of air, drowning in thick darkness. Gasping. Unable to comprehend. My ears rang. I thought I might faint and pushed my bare feet flat against the floor, cold. hard and real. I pressed the cold, hard phone against my ear until it hurt. Vickie continued. I heard her voice, thin and flat, as through tin can and string." (p. 225)

Jackie's negativity toward her children through the years elicited the following response from her daughter. "How things might have been different if she'd acknowledged our positive traits-to our faces? If she had broadcast our successes instead of our failures, had balanced her public narrative of our lives. Would I have felt more accepted and loved? Would I have wanted to share my thoughts with her, instead of keeping them to myself for fear of how they'd appear in her letters to others." (p. 234)

Starfire and her siblings grew up in the 60s and 70s when the culture of communication wasn't as positive as it is today. Also, single parent homes weren't as common then as they are today. Jackie faced socially imposed challenges with fewer supports than those made available today. Starfire shared a thought at the end of the book that captures her mother's essence without judgement. "Jackie was an extraordinary, complicated, and passionate woman, who did all that any of us ever do-the best she knew how." (p. 242)

Though I would have loved to write a pithy and astute review of the book, I felt compelled to write more. Though the lives of the author and her mother may bare no resemblance to that of those who read the book, the memoir shares universal qualities shared in many mother-daughter relationships. Open the pages of this book to learn about Jackie and Amber and to also open doors to your own very personal mother-daughter relationships.

[Renee Roberson · Rating 5 out of 5]

I began reading Amber Starfire’s book "Not the Mother I Remember" on a Saturday afternoon and was already halfway through it before I went to bed that evening. Simply put, I quickly became immersed in the story of Jacqueline “Jackie” Carr, teacher, writer, and mother of six, a woman determined to experience all life had to offer, despite how it affected her relationships with her children.

The memoir begins with a preface describing how Starfire and her brothers make the decision to place their mother, suffering from Alzheimer’s, into an assisted-living facility. During the course of cleaning out her mother’s apartment, Starfire opens a storage closet and discovers boxes and boxes of her mother’s writing and correspondence. While elated at what she has found, she is also scarred from years of battling with her complicated mother and knows she is not yet ready to face the story behind who Jackie Carr really was. Only after her mother’s death in 2007 does she begin the arduous process of sifting through the letters and journal entries. It was then that she also officially changed her name from Linda Peterson to Amber Lea Starfire.

I found myself conflicted at different points in the book. For example, I was fascinated by the story of how Carr sold all her belongings after divorcing her husband and took two of her children (including the author, who was 10 years old at the time) on a 365-day world tour that included Ireland, Scotland, Spain, Greece, Turkey, Japan and many other places. But that fascination turned to disbelief as I discovered that Jackie also left her children with virtual strangers at different times throughout that year as she went off on separate adventures of her own. I questioned how a single mother during that time period could balance supporting herself and her children and be actively involved in as many things as she was. (The progressive Jackie also earned her pilot’s license at one point, purchased a small plane, and took Starfire and her brother on a whirlwind summer flying tour).

Starfire describes the mixed emotions she felt toward her mother as “the Tar.”
“Sometimes, when she pushed me too hard, it cooled and solidified and shone like brightly polished obsidian, with painfully sharp edges. And during those times we tried to make up with each other, it became watery and brown, weak as tea.”

What makes this book unique is how Starfire layers her own narrative with excerpts from Jackie’s letters and diary entries, which takes the story to a whole different level. She also includes photos, copies of her mother’s typewritten work history, real estate transactions, publishing history, travel excursions and more. Readers can also get a glimpse of an obituary that Jackie wrote for herself in 1998.

In the words of Jackie Carr:
“I played life as if it were a race with “winning” as the goal. I won: twenty-five years with one man, several mad love affairs, six children and sixteen grandchildren, two advanced degrees, eight books, travel around the world. I wanted to be financially secure. I won that race too. I loved winning just as I loved loving—for the feel of it.”

"Not the Mother I Remember" is no ordinary memoir, and because of this, I highly recommend it. Starfire’s writing is clear and strong and she tackles this difficult subject matter in a way that is both poignant and cathartic.

[Sarah M. Flores · Rating 5 out of 5]

Amber Lea Starfire did an amazing job of exploring the life of her mother through her mother’s own words. How lucky Amber is to have a mother who journaled the details of her whole life, and how lucky her mother might’ve felt to have a daughter who painstakingly pieced that crazy life together to share with the world.

I can only imagine the shock she must’ve often experienced during a writing project this intense, but she didn’t give up. That in itself deserves a lot of praise.

I really enjoyed this memoir.

[Robert Brown · Rating 3 out of 5]

Being a seventy-year old male has its own set of attributes. I don’t suffer fools, waste my time, care about appearance, or worry anymore. I read mostly for enlightenment, which gives me pleasure. From memoirs I hope to gain a little more understanding of what life is about, what makes it interesting and what makes it worthwhile.
I didn’t get much of what I seek from Not the Mother I Remember.
Page after page described yet another instance of bad judgement alternating with pages of self-centered, hard-to-imagine insensitivity. My senses were dulled as I continued reading. I would have liked it much better if, at any point, the writer would have labeled a section “Mom,” perhaps then I would have sensed a real change in the relationship.
But I’m not the target audience. I have to assume that many women would like this memoir. It portrays in great detail the joys and sorrows, the hopes and disappointments, the intimacies and challenges of mothers and daughters. The writing is wonderful except for occasional forays into Creative Writing 101 with metaphors that cry out to be silenced, and the organization is exactly right for the subject. There are probably two types of readers for this book; women who can directly relate and wish to wallow in “ain’t it awful,” and those for whom it is not too late to fix things and wish to do so. Another group of readers might be women who breathe a sigh of thankfulness. Amber wrote a book that should have been written and did a good job of it.

[Janet Cardoza · Rating 5 out of 5]

The book "Not the Mother i Remember: A Memoire has a unique presentation of shifting between Amber Lea Starfire's memories and her mother's journals and letters; which Ms. Starfire finds following her mother's death. This two sided approach quickly plunges the reader into the details of their family life. The mother is presented as a complex woman with many inner struggles, and she has a difficult personality; which makes her hard to get along with. Ms Starfire is a born again Christian with a heart filled with what she calls "tar". This tar is made of the hate and anger she feels towards her mother. This substance softens in happy moments, and hardens in trying times. As the story unfolds, the reader finds the mother deep in her own struggles, and confronting her main issue of finding personal fulfillment.At times this pursuit causes much instability in the family. All too soon time passes and the mother is overtaken with Alzeimers disease. Now the daughter takes care of the mother, until the mother's death. Ms. Starfire learns many things . She realizes she is more like her mother than she had ever imagined. She also finds she is very different. She finally understands that through the years her mother has done the best she could. The tar in Ms. Starfire's heart doesn't disappear but becomes more liquid and is now filled with sadness and regret. Ms. Starfire's final wish is that she could have understood her mother sooner and built a more rewarding relationship while she was still alive.