A Bonsai Tree Called Geoff: Police Stories I Probably Shouldn't Share

by John Donoghue

Am I the best cop on the streets?.. No.But do I go to work with a positive attitude and put 100% into every incident I attend?.. Also No.What I do is write about the funny, interesting and bizarre jobs I go to.These are the stories that I probably shouldn’t share…Arresting a bride at her weddingAn Aztec-style sacrificeSubversion in the ranksA naked dog thiefAn accidental kidnappingDisappointing a nun…True tales from the front line of policing, where fact is often stranger than fiction!

Genres: Nonfiction

316 pages, Kindle Edition

Published May 1, 2024

About the author

I never set out to be a writer… I wanted to be a sailor… and a soldier… and a policeman...so that's what I did.

I've travelled the world serving in the Royal Navy and then the British Army. When I left, I joined the police where I'm still a serving officer.

I soon found out in my varied careers that FACT is stranger then FICTION. I'd come across so many funny, bizarre and interesting tales that I felt it was a crime not to write them down... otherwise they just get forgotten.

So that's what I did and to date, I've have written four books based on my experiences...

The police books, in 'The True Story of a Front Line Officer' series include:

'Police, Crime & 999'

'Police, Lies & Alibis'

'Police, Arrests & Suspects'

My Military service along with the tale of my journey around the bizarre named places in the UK with my dog is covered in:

'Shakespeare My Butt!' ...which has nothing to do with the bard by the way!

Feel free to follow me on twitter @johndonoghue64

Reviews

[Mark · Rating 4 out of 5]

John is a retired Police Officer with over 40 years experience…..and with that experience comes a 4th book…..however the difference being this time he doesn’t have to check with his superiors what is going to be in the book…..

What this means is we get a 300 page plus account of John’s stories,all true and told with humour and in a chatty ‘real life’ kind of way,he describes the various events,mishaps and lets say ‘a wide variety of people’ in such a way it can all only be true as you really couldn’t make these things up

I think my favourite parts were when he was on desk duty and he describes the public coming in to report various ‘crimes’ and wrongdoings…..some of them are hilarious, some quite sad but all told brilliantly

A very enjoyable book with a great insight to his career in the Police and the things he saw and had to deal with and not just with the public

This memoir will make you laugh all the way through and also maybe as it did me look up Bonsai trees even if again like me it was a passing few minutes fancy

More than worthwile read

[Yvonne · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is the first time I have encountered this author, who shares various anecdotes and tales from his time in the Police Force.

The book is full of quirky tales, humorous mishaps and many odd and weird people along the way. He shares these stories with a good sense of humour even if he is part of the joke. This book is full of tales that you would struggle to make up but for some reason, people have actually done some of the most bizarre acts and the author and his colleagues have been called out to assist, apprehend, give chase to, caution or advice.

This is laid out so well and each of the tales has its own chapter, and there are 22 chapters. The titles are random, as is the name of the book, which consequently is one of the stories. With headings such as "Morning in the Afternoon", "Pigman, Pinky and the Dark Horse" or "The Man with Two First Names" there is much interest and intrigue.

I admit there are times when I had to snigger at some of the antics and chaos that this author has come across in his time on the Force. The language is what you would generally hear in conversations now, so there is some swearing, but to be fair many of us swear or at least curse so it is to be expected.

I really enjoyed this book and it was a good one to pick and read a couple of chapters over several days. If you are looking for some random and bizarre events that a police officer may come across in their time, then this is one for you. An enjoyable read and one I would happily recommend.

[Sharon Hayhurst · Rating 5 out of 5]

Couldn't resist a book with that title could I? This is the first of John's books I have read and won't be the last. I was hooked from the first page, the stories come thick and fast, each one different and each one as funny as the last. Every time I thought he couldn't possibly top that story, he did! A thoroughly entertaining read and highly recommended.

[Tammy Horvath · Rating 5 out of 5]

If you enjoy the adrenaline rush of watching the American reality show Cops, this intriguing book will captivate you.
The allure of these firsthand police stories was irresistible, especially as they shed light on the disparities between the law and true justice. John Donoghue captivated me with his authentic yet almost unbelievable life stories, making me laugh, cry, and even hide under the covers. Becoming a front-line police officer is not something I could handle, but the thought of reading the following three books in the series brings me great excitement.

[Laura Duffy · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is the policing version of ‘This is Going To Hurt’!

John has spent 40 years serving in the military and the police and has come across his fair share of strange and interesting stories throughout that time. He has shared some of these stories in previous books he has written but now he is retired he can share some of the more wilder stories he has not been able to share before now, and I can understand why!

One of the most striking things about the stories contained within this book is that they are all 100% true. I feel like it is a true embodiment of the phrase, ‘truth is stranger than fiction’ . There are so many tales and individuals who it is hard to believe are true and would be called crazy and farfetched if they were written down in a fiction novel. I can honestly imagine these were the type of tales that were shared over a few down the pub between colleagues but would have been lost to the passage of time. It is so refreshing and lucky for us that they have been written down and we get to enjoy them!

Each chapter is a different story and we are right there with John as he is experiencing them. The stories themselves are amusing but they are really brought to life and enhanced by John’s writing style. He tells them with such comedy and humour and I couldn’t help but laugh out loud at some of the stories. In the midst of crying with laughter I had to remind myself they had all actually happened and this was a non-fiction book.

This was such a fun ride of a book that had me laughing so much! I have discovered this book is one of many the author has written about his time in the police. I will be adding the others to my TBR!

[Ag · Rating 5 out of 5]

The subtitle of the book (Police Stories I Probably Shouldn't Share) is probably very much right. John probably shouldn’t have shared all those stories – especially, considering that those all are TRUE.
Then again, I’m so glad he did, though. Those are entertaining. More than that, I’m going to say that those are entertaining AF. Extremely entertaining. Filled with extremely weird people and even weirder events, some are just outright dumb, but all will make you laugh and cringe and the same time.
I was well aware that those who have worked with the police, with the ER, with all sorts of rescue and firefighter operations – they all have their fair share of wild stories, wild events, and wild people they have encountered through the years. Yet rarely they are out on paper, and an even rarer occurrence is to see those written with so much wit and humor.
Memoirs and non-fiction are one thing, but this is a humor-filled wild ride. Also, somehow it also fits in the category of non-fiction, and I’d boldly label it a memoir of sorts.
This is one of those books that I’m so glad I could read. It was so, so, so entertaining, it made me laugh out loud more than once, and… it made me cringe more than I can count.
Turns out, the author has other non-fiction books published before this one. I guess I will be reading those too, added them to my TBR already.

[Vix · Rating 5 out of 5]

Hilarious! I was actually giggling out loud - though I agree with the team, a lot of the (inappropriate) jokes John attempts were dad jokes. 🤭

Right from the first chapter the comedy hits, I wasn't expecting a naked lubed man... The other chapters that really tickled me included an accidental kidnapping and a manure tractor.

There were also chapters where I was frustrated alongside John, I really felt for him. Such an ungrateful woman in Royston Vasey and Me, and also that his injuries couldn't have been that bad as he was back at work... I don't know how he managed to put up with some of those bosses - especially without punching one!

It seemed like John's colleagues were great and I loved reading about all the escapades. Poor Gwen, always saying the most inappropriate things - was she really that naïve?

I didn’t realise at first that the book was chronological, I thought there were separate stories. The chapters slotted together more as the book progressed.

Overall, this was so funny and a breath of fresh air. I understand working in government, so this especially hit my funny bone. I can't recommend this enough and will be reading John's previous books too.

*I received a complementary copy of the book from RandomThingsTours and am voluntarily leaving an honest review.

[Steph Warren · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is one of the funniest working memoirs I have ever read (and I’ve read quite a few!), full of punny wordplay and double entendres, black humour and satirical jabs. Yet it also paints a picture of a dedicated team of men and women, willing to put themselves through physical and mental harm – not to mention the high risk of humiliating unforeseen circumstances – on behalf of a general public who are often oblivious, ungrateful, or downright abusive in return.

Not only was I thoroughly entertained by John’s antics and amusing bon mots, but I was absolutely in awe of the strength of character, dedication and common sense* that were required for him and his colleagues to perform their standard day job. (*Some of them, most of the time, anyway!)

I absolutely recommend this book to anyone interested in true (if fictionalised) stories of modern British policing, hilarious anecdotes, a very relatable and highly likeable narrator and the best time you’re likely to have in a police presence as a member of the public (unless you are Pinky La Rue, or the Superintendent’s niece!). I’ve already added all of this author’s other memoirs to my future purchase list, so would like to add a personal note to say, “Thank you, John, for your years of service in the military and the police, and for your further services to the reading community since!”

[Sheryl Browne · Rating 5 out of 5]

You know when life is doing that thing it does: throwing so many things at you you feel you’re going to self-combust? Don’t. Read John Donoghue instead. I once said I think this author’s books should be prescribed on the NHS. I didn’t lie. John’s writing is hilarious, absolute pure therapy. I ran away from home (I did go back, honest!). I just needed a little me time. Sooo I sat on my holiday balcony with John’s latest, A Bonsai Tree Called Geoff, and it soon brought tears to my eyes. The good sort. I posted on X asking whether tittering loudly while sitting alone is a good look? I think the general consensus was yes (although my little doggos were a bit worried!). These bits (no spoilers I hope): “Description please,” in naked man chase – and the polishing of the Superintendent’s bald head, along with the slogan, ‘When Seconds Count, We’re Minutes Away’, had me hooting! The old lady coming into the station reception brought a huge lump to my throat. I’m not going to say a word about the Superintendent’s niece. In short, if you need to stop and breathe and laugh out loud, read this. I absolutely totally recommend it, along with John Donoghue’s previous books. Grab a little you time!

[Sonja Charters · Rating 5 out of 5]

Well, there really is nothing as queer as folk! And this book really does go to show what a diverse and crazy lot we all are!

The author has recently retired from a long career in the Police and here he shares some amazing anecdotes about just some of the incidents he's encountered whilst keeping his village safe!

This is the first book that I've read of this kind and was initially grabbed by the utterly crazy title - it gives nothing away but draws you in and I couldn't wait to read.

With each chapter telling a different tale, this was super easy to grab and read over a few days - with a couple of chapters over lunch, which led to a few more after too as they were great quick reads that had me intrigued, shocked, bemused and laughing out loud!

I loved the humour that was also injected throughout and the banter between colleagues.
I think that too often, we, me included!, see the police as a totally different entity. Even at 50 odd, I still have a mini panic when I see a policeman near and have never done anything wrong in my life, but we forget that they're really just people like you and me - and this book does a great job of reminding us of this fact!

A brilliantly enjoyable and fun read. Loved this!

[Lynda · Rating 4 out of 5]

A collection of true short stories from the front line of the police force which most certainly provide an entertaining history of what police officers can be faced with on a daily basis. My father was a police officer for 30 years so I’ve heard a few funny stories in my time, and with all the terrible things the police have to deal with it’s good that there are lighter moments.

Briefly, one story involves the antics of a naked man covered in oil being chased across fences and gardens until he meets an unenviable end by way of a dog who decides to grab hold of his crown jewels! Visualise the two women officers having to drag the dog away from his lunch! Or the drugs raid where the sniffer dog has stopped beside a crate and Inspector Soaper gets the press in to see him break the case. On opening the crate hundreds of tennis balls roll out to the delight of the dog and no drugs. You get the gist…

There are 22 such tales in the book and it’s a great to pick up and read another chapter when you just have a short time to spare. Some of the stories are totally bizarre but so is life! An fun and entertaining read.

[Dawn · Rating 5 out of 5]

I found this very entertaining in parts - it had me laughing out loud, and I was fascinated to gain insights into life as a police officer and some of the cases they have to deal with. I've given five stars as, apart from the laughs, I admire the bravery of the author risking life and limb, taking a beating and suffering injuries in the line of duty. Hats off to him and all those officers dealing with such incidents. A former military man, the author is a tough nut, a bit of a prankster and makes jokes (some of which don't go down to well!) with both the public and colleagues alike, but you can't help liking him. The book also broadened my vocabulary, introducing me to some interesting words, including learning what a neophiliac is. It's peppered with sexual references - I guess the police come up against such things more than "Joe Public" realise! - but it's written in a way that the reader does not feel like a voyeur.
A very interesting read, and well done to all our police officers on the front line.

[Nadine-Sue Sargent · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is a great collection of accounts of John's time in the police. Some a little quirky and some that must have been infuriating. I think my favourite was the lady wanting to report her neighbour's bees for stealing pollen from her flowers. I think we've all heard of people wasting police time but some of the things that John tells us about in this re beyond ridiculous.

Accidental kidnapping is another chapter I found particularly funny. I can't imagine going about my day and then finding a stowaway 😂

You can't help but laugh at a lot of these although it doesn't escape me that these are true accounts from one police officer and if this is the norm then society really is in trouble. A great book and one of a number published by John telling of his career.

[Valerie Poore · Rating 5 out of 5]

I’ve enjoyed John Donoghue’s books in the past, so when I won this book in a draw, I was looking forward to reading it. Thankfully, it was just as much fun and as interesting as his previous stories and I really liked the mix of very funny scenarios with the more serious ethical issues and legally interesting cases he recounts. John Donoghue got into his share of scrapes and awkward situations due to his quick-witted, but sometimes inappropriate ripostes, but my favourite line in the whole book was when someone asked him how they could be sure he was the police, and he told them he wasn’t going to stand there singing….? Well, you’ll have to find out what yourself, but it really touched my funny bone and I wept with laughter. A thoroughly enjoyable collection of anecdotes. Thank you, John!

[Fatguyreading · Rating 4 out of 5]

Having never read anything by this author, I didn't quite know what to expect, but this honest, hilarious book certainly did not disappoint.

I found this to be quite the page turner and definitely thought provoking and sincere.

It's a book written in quite a chatty style, as the author states tales and anecdotes on his time in the Police Force.

It's packed full of humerous tales, mishaps, bizarre events and weird people.

It was such an entertaining read and had me laughing on several occasions.

It's quirky, it's genuine and I read this in two sittings.

4 🌟 🌟 🌟 🌟 's from me.

[Paula Learmouth · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is Book Four based on John's experiences of being a police officer. Each chapter of the book is another story. Because the title of the book, this was the first story which I knew I had to read and I thought the same as the police officers did about Geoff. I also loved the story of the bride, the mother and the mother-in-law being arrested. Because of the stories being short, it's easy for you to pick up and put down when you have a few minutes or like myself, I read the book in one sitting. Because I enjoyed John's book so much, I'm now on the look out for the other three books by him.

[Ash · Rating 5 out of 5]

Brilliant story telling!

Heard about this book randomly and have loved hearing the stories, told with a great bit of humour. I've bought the other previous books and I'm about to settle down to read them.

If you like tales of the weird and wonderful, read this. If not, still read it!

[M · Rating 5 out of 5]

Very funny, well written just like all the previous books. I have not stopped laughing.

[Patricia Walker · Rating 5 out of 5]

Brilliant book. Don't read with a full bladder - especially chapter 1 and 2

[NA Telfer · Rating 5 out of 5]

Absolutely fantastic laughs

Loved it. It's rare that books make me laugh but this was so funny. Great writer, very witty, needs a few sequels

[MRS H E LLEWELLYN · Rating 5 out of 5]

Yet another really funny insight into Policing.
John's books are really funny and even funnier if you have ever worked in Policing.
Loved this last book, can really relate to the stories and finally after 26 years of wondering I know why 'Five Knobs' got his nickname! Thanks.

[Anne MacLennan · Rating 5 out of 5]

What a hilarious book from start to finish

[Clare bookschristieandacuppa · Rating 4 out of 5]

3rd December 🪴

A Bonsai Tree Called Geoff - John Donoghue
(Ad - Pr product) Blog tour

Is he the best cop on the streets?... No.
 
But does he go to work with a positive attitude and put 100% into every incident he attends?... Also No.
 
What he does is write about the funny, unusual, and bizarre jobs he goes to.
 
From arresting a bride at her own wedding, an Aztec style sacrifice, subversion in the ranks, a naked dog thief, an accidental kidnapping, disappointing a nun… these are true tales from the front line of policing, where fact is often stranger than fiction!
 
These are the tales he probably shouldn’t share.
 
I had great fun reading these tales from a police officer, having had family in the police service I really enjoyed the sense of humour.
It’s a very tough job and I don’t think the police are given the credit they deserve. I know that any unusual and bizarre jobs that arise are later on treated with humour, to help cope with the tougher jobs.
Some of my favourite stories were Pig Man, Pinky & the Dark Horse, An Accidental Kidnapping, Murder He Wrote and Goth’s, Ghosts & Sad Las Vegas Strippers! Some fantastic story names there to tempt you in!
And the Bonsai tree called Geoff… you’ll have to read to find out.

A fun-filled read that will have you giggling in public! I’d say this is a perfect Christmas gift for parents, grandparents, siblings and friends, especially ones who work in the emergency services.