What do you think?
Rate this book
The Emotional Incest Syndrome: What to do When a Parent's Love Rules Your Life
From Dr. Patricia Love, a ground-breaking work that identifies, explores and treats the harmful effects that emotionally and psychologically invasive parents have on their children, and provides a program for overcoming the chronic problems that can result.
304 pages, Paperback
First published January 1, 1990
198 people are currently reading
2154 people want to read
About the author
Patricia Love
24 books17 followersLibrarian Note: There is more than one author by this name in the Goodreads database.
Ratings & Reviews
Friends & Following
Create a free account to discover what your friends think of this book!
Community Reviews
Displaying 1 - 29 of 55 reviews
August 31, 2014
Emotional Incest is something not many people have heard of. It’s when a parent/guardian uses a child to fulfill their emotional needs. Something they should be seeking other adults for. Example: the parent that tells their child every aspect of their day in detail. Or the parent that complains about their problems to their kid. Even the parent that bad mouths their spouse to their kid. The parent in turn is not likely to give the same attention back to the child. It’s all about them. Sometimes they have a best-friends type relationship, or like a spouse with the level of emotional intimacy. The single parent only child dynamic is often prone to emotional incest; however any family can have it. Often once the child grows up they can’t think of any complaints regarding their childhood, but something seems off. It has the possibly of affecting their whole life- especially relationships.
For me the main point of this book was to put a name to the lifestyle in which I grew up. While unsettling that so many childhoods are robbed by selfish or uninformed parents, I found it comforting that I was not alone.
I found the first part of the book, especially the descriptions of emotional incest, to be very well done. The second part (the self-help portion) was not as good. I think my main problem is the author doesn’t address the possibility of a “Cut-Off” with the parents. She does mention many parents that abuse their kids in this manor also have drug or alcohol addictions. Also she points out if your parent won’t listen to you then you shouldn’t confront them on your childhood. Which is a good point- don’t beat your head against a brick wall. But it would be logical to follow up by mentioning- “hey, you don’t have to still see or talk to these people just because they are family. If they are treating you like shi* the drop the rope and be done”. Which I guess is my philosophy in a nutshell.
I will definitely re-read this book in the future. I just will skip the second part. I recommend “Toxic Parents” or “Children of the Self Absorbed” in its place.
For me the main point of this book was to put a name to the lifestyle in which I grew up. While unsettling that so many childhoods are robbed by selfish or uninformed parents, I found it comforting that I was not alone.
I found the first part of the book, especially the descriptions of emotional incest, to be very well done. The second part (the self-help portion) was not as good. I think my main problem is the author doesn’t address the possibility of a “Cut-Off” with the parents. She does mention many parents that abuse their kids in this manor also have drug or alcohol addictions. Also she points out if your parent won’t listen to you then you shouldn’t confront them on your childhood. Which is a good point- don’t beat your head against a brick wall. But it would be logical to follow up by mentioning- “hey, you don’t have to still see or talk to these people just because they are family. If they are treating you like shi* the drop the rope and be done”. Which I guess is my philosophy in a nutshell.
I will definitely re-read this book in the future. I just will skip the second part. I recommend “Toxic Parents” or “Children of the Self Absorbed” in its place.
October 20, 2018
UPDATE: THIS IS, BY FAR, THE BEST "SELF-HELP" BOOK I'VE EVER READ.
DON'T BE PUT OFF BY THE TITLE.
Yes, this book deals mostly with enmeshed families (lack of boundaries and other dysfunction) but Chapter 14 on how to resolve conflicts is OUTSTANDING. I have yet to come across something so succinct, smart, and actionable. You will improve your life if you can adopt this simple communication formula with issues arise. Chapter 7 (?) that describes a healthy family or a healthy marriage, is also very helpful for anyone to read. I listened to both chapters several times and took notes. I'll read this book again and again and again.
---------------------
ORIGINAL REVIEW:
I was just (very very recently) introduced to the topics/concepts of “overt vs covert sexual abuse” and “emotional incest” by a friend. After browsing an article on psychology today (by this author) I picked up this book for further education. It’s the only book I’ve read on the topic, so I have nothing to compare it to, but found the book provides a great deal of clarity, education, and recovery tools on this not-discussed-but-should-be issue.
I especially appreciated the numerous “real world” examples as now I better understand my friend’s situation. This is likely a slam dunk for you or not—it applies or it doesn’t.
If there was a favorite child in your family, if you were the golden child, if your parents divorced, if you were an only child, if you were “spoiled” with lots of attention (good or not—favorably or harsh/critical), if a parent leaned on you or tried to be/is/was your “best friend”, if you had an enmeshed parent or helicopter parent (or you are one) this is a good book to check out.
DON'T BE PUT OFF BY THE TITLE.
Yes, this book deals mostly with enmeshed families (lack of boundaries and other dysfunction) but Chapter 14 on how to resolve conflicts is OUTSTANDING. I have yet to come across something so succinct, smart, and actionable. You will improve your life if you can adopt this simple communication formula with issues arise. Chapter 7 (?) that describes a healthy family or a healthy marriage, is also very helpful for anyone to read. I listened to both chapters several times and took notes. I'll read this book again and again and again.
---------------------
ORIGINAL REVIEW:
I was just (very very recently) introduced to the topics/concepts of “overt vs covert sexual abuse” and “emotional incest” by a friend. After browsing an article on psychology today (by this author) I picked up this book for further education. It’s the only book I’ve read on the topic, so I have nothing to compare it to, but found the book provides a great deal of clarity, education, and recovery tools on this not-discussed-but-should-be issue.
I especially appreciated the numerous “real world” examples as now I better understand my friend’s situation. This is likely a slam dunk for you or not—it applies or it doesn’t.
If there was a favorite child in your family, if you were the golden child, if your parents divorced, if you were an only child, if you were “spoiled” with lots of attention (good or not—favorably or harsh/critical), if a parent leaned on you or tried to be/is/was your “best friend”, if you had an enmeshed parent or helicopter parent (or you are one) this is a good book to check out.
January 6, 2009
GREAT for anyone who needs to discover their family's dysfunction! If you feel like your parent's love, or their life, runs yours...this book is for you. However, the first half is better than the second half.
May 11, 2021
Boy, this book brought a new level to my understanding, healing, and growth. Although the syndrome has a hard-to-swallow name--one that makes you go EW!--, what is happening is definitely emotional incest: a parent has become WAY too emotionally involved with you, FAR surpassing normal parent/child bonds, and has no right to be doing that. I now have one more piece to my puzzle (and, as it turns out, my mom's).
Unlike other reviewers, I found the second half of the book to be as eye-opening as the first half. I would not use every strategy proposed, but I can see how several would be helpful. I really liked the chapter on the parent taking responsibility and making amends to the child. Although I doubt I'll ever experience that, each and every suggestion is something I would like to hear.
I liked this book so much that I bought it. I will reread, highlight, and employ some of the strategies given.
I recommend this to anyone who struggles with a parent having too much importance in his/her adult life. To anyone who's been a parent's caretaker. To anyone who struggles with commitment. Get past the difficult title and read this book!
Unlike other reviewers, I found the second half of the book to be as eye-opening as the first half. I would not use every strategy proposed, but I can see how several would be helpful. I really liked the chapter on the parent taking responsibility and making amends to the child. Although I doubt I'll ever experience that, each and every suggestion is something I would like to hear.
I liked this book so much that I bought it. I will reread, highlight, and employ some of the strategies given.
I recommend this to anyone who struggles with a parent having too much importance in his/her adult life. To anyone who's been a parent's caretaker. To anyone who struggles with commitment. Get past the difficult title and read this book!
August 14, 2012
A book with many helpful tips on how to bring a person back to center after being enmeshed (had an emotionally attached adult that dumped their needs and wants onto a child instead of another adult) with a parent. Helpful exercises on how to accept your parents, work things out with siblings and spouses, and come to terms with what happened then and now. Will definitely need to read again.
May 17, 2008
Still reading. This books freaks me out in a good way.
June 2, 2021
Terrible name. Fantastic book. I wish I would have read this 15-20 years ago when it was time for me to move into adulthood. There is so much helpful, practical information here about what healthy families and relationships look like.
If you were a parentified child, enmeshed with a parent, an only child, a favored child, or in a single parent home, or if any of these thing are happening in your relationship with your child, do yourself a huge favor and read this book.
If you were a parentified child, enmeshed with a parent, an only child, a favored child, or in a single parent home, or if any of these thing are happening in your relationship with your child, do yourself a huge favor and read this book.
March 27, 2025
4.5 stars
October 27, 2021
This book is useful *only* if you have healthy-ish parents that suffer from loneliness, and unhappy marriage and perhaps a lack of understanding about boundaries that may be capable of developing a healthier life.
This book really is not helpful for anyone who is enmeshed with a parent who is abusive or with a mental illness like a personality disorder. The book also does not cover the heartbreaking issues that people may have with their sexual identity and expression that result from emotional incest.
Many parts were useful, but overall I found the book was too light.
While I have compassion for the experience of the author with an alcoholic and neglectful mother, I did find that the author spoke a bit too much about this throughout the book.
This book really is not helpful for anyone who is enmeshed with a parent who is abusive or with a mental illness like a personality disorder. The book also does not cover the heartbreaking issues that people may have with their sexual identity and expression that result from emotional incest.
Many parts were useful, but overall I found the book was too light.
While I have compassion for the experience of the author with an alcoholic and neglectful mother, I did find that the author spoke a bit too much about this throughout the book.
April 22, 2018
Excellent book. The title repelled and disgusted me but the insides are very informative and relevant. Now I am finally conscious of the fact that my both parents had no boundaries. My family was an absolute fiasco and it took me almost 9 years to recover emotionally. I had depression and constant high anxiety. Now I'm finally functioning well. This book gave me a profound realization and helped me to cut the cord from my parents for good. Finally I am free to be an adult person.
January 6, 2022
this is great for people without complex trauma or experiences of what i guess is extreme abuse to the author? she not only relies on gender roles but uses them to handglide across the book which in todays standards of course isnt possible - it makes for some eyerolling reading when youre a woman married to a woman, too. it bulks out what is helpful with some really strange advice and ends up in a place where i wouldnt recommend fellow CPTSD-sufferers go. she asks you to let bygones be bygones which simply isnt viable or even an option for many of us.
it gave me some insight to the differences in my relationship with my mother and my father, in many ways making me want to vomit understanding the true nature of how parasitic they both are and have been. i think its absolutely a good idea to read this if you aspire to be a parent and if you wish your parents didnt rely on you so much.. but this book is essentially the same as talking to someone who had a fairly neglectful but not overtly abusive parent, who was also human with them, so theyre certain thats as bad as it gets and have no problem letting you know that youre exaggerating. if youve had conversations like that, stay away from the latter part of the book at least.
it gave me some insight to the differences in my relationship with my mother and my father, in many ways making me want to vomit understanding the true nature of how parasitic they both are and have been. i think its absolutely a good idea to read this if you aspire to be a parent and if you wish your parents didnt rely on you so much.. but this book is essentially the same as talking to someone who had a fairly neglectful but not overtly abusive parent, who was also human with them, so theyre certain thats as bad as it gets and have no problem letting you know that youre exaggerating. if youve had conversations like that, stay away from the latter part of the book at least.
August 14, 2022
Disappointing. The first quarter was solid, but all of her solutions somehow circle back to blaming the child for their parents behavior. She doesn’t see cutting contact with a parent as appropriate and encourages that if a child already has, that they reach out and APOLOGIZE FOR BEING ANGRY, and literally encourages these children to say “I must’ve been a difficult child”. She doesn’t back up any of her claims, but shares them as facts. She is also INCREDIBLY fatphobic and constantly uses “ob*sity” as an observable result of “unprocessed parental abuse”. I feel like I lost brain cells reading this book. Again, the first chunk was interesting and even somewhat helpful, but overall this book feels inappropriate, under researched, and negligent to survivors of parental abuse and emotional incest. Fucking bummed by this one, y’all.
Read
May 2, 2012So far, amazing. It covers healthy relationships, family dynamics, different types of issues and so far is not only informative but corrective. I highly recommend to anyone who was raised with alcoholics, addictions of any kind, divorce, or a single parent.
June 21, 2019
4 stars. Finished this audiobook. It was interssting with lots of stories and examples, steps to try to take and work with therapists. I liked the reminders of certain situations where a dad was using his daughter as comfort when his wife died, expecting the daughter to hug and listen to his grief while he did not do the same, followed by his complaints and worries about his new wife, and the therapist flat out said, the father should not have done that to a thirteen year old girl, that is inappropriate behavior for a father, an adult, to share with his child. I would have liked a section on parents who do this that are mentally ill, suffering from PTSD, or have personality disorders. I may read it again when I have kids to help out with combating unhealthy behaviors.
August 18, 2023
overall this book was disappointing. part one is informative and helps provide some understanding as to how toxic parents affected your early developmental and childhood years.
HOWEVER part two took away from so much of part one. from my pov, this was written by a woman insistent on not being cut off. no contact was not an option given, instead the book primarily focused on how the reader could change to make the relationship tolerable or potentially better IF the parent decided to change.
the author suggested some “objective dialogue” for the reader to “take ownership” of their “role in the difficulty”. this is good advice for the behavior perpetuated as an adult, however, some of the dialogue she provided put the child at blame. a few of the suggestions were:
1. “I wasn’t the easiest child to raise.”
2. “I must’ve been really hard to live with.”
3. “You must’ve had a hard time knowing how to handle me.”
those absolutely ruined the entire book, not only do they place the blame on the child, the gaslight and perpetuate the feelings of shame that come with emotional incest. it reverses the roles of the victim and the offender.
it is not the job of the child to apologize for being coerced into the role of a surrogate parent and/or spouse, being the chosen child, being completely enmeshed by one or more parents. as the parents and as adults, they were completely responsible and their children were dependent on them to survive.
the author is so set on suggestions for repairing the relationship, she completely ignores the basics of the validation needed to truly heal. she states after boundaries are set, is important to act as normal as possible outside of those.
that just further emphasized for me, the lack of empathy for the inner child as the reader is now an adult. the message I got from this book was, “yea what they did sucked, but be an adult and deal with it.”
i’d read part one for the informational aspects that can help you understand, but skip the second part and save yourself open old wound of shame.
books i’d actually recommend:
- What Happened to You, Oprah Winfrey and Bruce D Perry
> the biological effects of trauma
- Facing Love Addiction, Pia Melody
> how old wounds affect your relationships now
- Adult Survivors of Toxic Family Members, Sherrie Campbell
> validation if you are thinking of going no contact
HOWEVER part two took away from so much of part one. from my pov, this was written by a woman insistent on not being cut off. no contact was not an option given, instead the book primarily focused on how the reader could change to make the relationship tolerable or potentially better IF the parent decided to change.
the author suggested some “objective dialogue” for the reader to “take ownership” of their “role in the difficulty”. this is good advice for the behavior perpetuated as an adult, however, some of the dialogue she provided put the child at blame. a few of the suggestions were:
1. “I wasn’t the easiest child to raise.”
2. “I must’ve been really hard to live with.”
3. “You must’ve had a hard time knowing how to handle me.”
those absolutely ruined the entire book, not only do they place the blame on the child, the gaslight and perpetuate the feelings of shame that come with emotional incest. it reverses the roles of the victim and the offender.
it is not the job of the child to apologize for being coerced into the role of a surrogate parent and/or spouse, being the chosen child, being completely enmeshed by one or more parents. as the parents and as adults, they were completely responsible and their children were dependent on them to survive.
the author is so set on suggestions for repairing the relationship, she completely ignores the basics of the validation needed to truly heal. she states after boundaries are set, is important to act as normal as possible outside of those.
that just further emphasized for me, the lack of empathy for the inner child as the reader is now an adult. the message I got from this book was, “yea what they did sucked, but be an adult and deal with it.”
i’d read part one for the informational aspects that can help you understand, but skip the second part and save yourself open old wound of shame.
books i’d actually recommend:
- What Happened to You, Oprah Winfrey and Bruce D Perry
> the biological effects of trauma
- Facing Love Addiction, Pia Melody
> how old wounds affect your relationships now
- Adult Survivors of Toxic Family Members, Sherrie Campbell
> validation if you are thinking of going no contact
December 9, 2015
This book made me cry several times over and often at unexpected sections in the book. I have no words to describe how this book opened my mind & helped me find answers to questions Id been asking almost all my life and also helping me to love & forgive my family.
October 13, 2013
Helped me understand my childhood and avoid what I had experienced when I became a parent.
September 8, 2020
Excellent description of a syndrome that is difficult to pinpoint and heal from for the "victim" without any clear demarcation of this family dynamic. The impact on adults who suffered the dysfuncionality of the family system is serious and severe, thus healing necessitates breaking through the myth of the idealised childhood.
May 16, 2023
There are some great points made by the author, but I feel there is a lot of oversight and missed opportunity when it comes to the varying types of parental enmeshment. It’s not as binary as described in this book.
January 11, 2023
Read until halfway through the chapter where she suggests you should forgive your parents. She explains that forgiveness isn't saying what they did is okay, but accepting that they won't change/that what happened happened (which makes sense). She then goes on to describe how you don't need to go no-contact and find ways to continue interacting with these toxic people. I'm sure the rest of the book has valuable things, but these two chapters turned me away from an otherwise great book. The first chunk of it before this point I loved and connected well with.
In chapter 10, section "Becoming More Objective," she says, "Over time, you have accepted the fact they did the best they could given their circumstances." This is the particular quote/section that really turned me away. It left a bad taste in my mouth for a variety of reasons I won't list here.
This book is for somebody, but not for me anymore. Maybe I'll return later in my journey and be able to digest those chapters and actually apply them, but at this point I'm not ready to nor do I want to.
In chapter 10, section "Becoming More Objective," she says, "Over time, you have accepted the fact they did the best they could given their circumstances." This is the particular quote/section that really turned me away. It left a bad taste in my mouth for a variety of reasons I won't list here.
This book is for somebody, but not for me anymore. Maybe I'll return later in my journey and be able to digest those chapters and actually apply them, but at this point I'm not ready to nor do I want to.
October 26, 2016
I find this book very insightful. It gave me a more clear picture of several of the dysfunctions in my family and childhood. It made me realize that the concept of family in the society I grew up, leads to paralyzed and insecure adults. And it gave me food for thought and some guidance for when I decide to make a family.
March 8, 2021
Key takeaways for me: 1. setting boundaries, the 10second confrontation. 2. Accepting your parents negative traits and affirming their positive ones. 3. Setting limits around an invasive parent (ie. my business vs. my family's business.) 4. Deepening intimacy (clarifying listening exercise and other communication tips, complete the sentence.)
May 11, 2018
Great read and extremely informative. I'd go as far as saying it should be required reading for any parent to-be. How to identify and prevent emotional incest. Why it happens and what you can do to stop it if you're doing it to your own kids
May 5, 2018
Groundbreaking.
June 25, 2021
Healing book
This book has helped me so much in my healing process. It made me accept and understand my present situation and make peace with it.
This book has helped me so much in my healing process. It made me accept and understand my present situation and make peace with it.
June 26, 2025
I do not remember why I picked up this book; however, I'm glad I did. I didn't expect to understand and resonate with the points in this book, but I actually did. So much more of my childhood and the things my parents did made sense. I'm still working through my childhood, but understanding possible reasons behind my parents' behaviors helped a lot. I also appreciated that Dr. Patricia Love was very clear that while this book can help with the psychological damages of being the victim of emotional incest, therapy will still be a necessary step to work through the trauma. A lot of self-help books try to claim that their book will be the only book you need, and often therapy is not offered as solution, but Dr. Patricia Love does not do this. Dr. Love does not promise that this book will cure all of the trauma, instead she offers it as an insight, a way to realize that certain aspects of a childhood may be a topic to explore and shed light on a rarely spoken about form of trauma. She advocates for readers to explore the topic more, conduct more research, and, of course, she fully advocates for therapy. I really appreciated her writing as well, it was easy to digest but still technicial and showed her knowledge without constantly trying to shove it in the readers' face. This was a highly informative book and I look forward to rereading it one day. This is generally just a great book to read, even if you think you had a great childhood and a strong, healthy relationship with your parents.
September 3, 2021
This book was much more thorough than the other book on enmeshment that I read, and the organization of the material was done in a more logical way, so five stars for this one.
I particularly appreciated that this one took into account all forms of enmeshment, not just that between a mother and a son. I understand the need to focus on the mother/son relationship because that's one in which great damage can be done while often going unseen. In a culture that places mothers on a pedestal, it's hard sometimes to see the ways in which that relationship can be toxic. And in a culture that tends to want to focus primarily on women as victims of abuse, it's important to acknowledge the ways in which men and boys also suffer.
However, enmeshment does not just occur between a mother and her son. It also does not just occur between a child and their opposite-sex parent. There can be any combination of genders in that situation, and this book explored all of them.
I, of course, was drawn to this topic partly because of my relationship with my own mother. One area where this book was lacking was that it did not fully address my personal situation. There's no reason to expect that it would. Every relationship is unique, so there's no reason to expect that I would see myself reflected exactly in the case studies presented in the book. However, what frustrated me was the fact that most of the stories in the book had one thing in common...the children did not at first recognize that their relationship with their parent was toxic. In most cases they had to be guided by their therapist to a point where they could see how enmeshment had damaged them. My situation was different. Since I was probably twelve years old I've bristled at my mother's shows of physical affection. As a teenager I hated the guilt trips I received if I did not reciprocate with an enthusiastic hug. I hated my mother's reaction to me being injured so much that by the time I was nine or ten I had started blatantly lying to her if she asked if I was okay. Better to but on a brave face in public and hide the scrapes and bruises than to endure her overbearing attention. And as a young adult I despised her need to micromanage my life, telling me how to take care of my house and even where to shop for groceries. The only guilt I ever felt is that I didn't live up to society's expectations of a daughter. Because as a general rule, if a child does not get along with his or her mother, it must be the child's fault. If you don't love and respect your mother, it's not because your mother did something wrong, it's because you're a spoiled, ungrateful child. For years I've struggled with society's expectation of how I'm supposed to feel about my mother vs. my own slightly less positive feelings. The book did not address that dynamic at all, and I really wish it had. On the one hand, reading about other toxic mothers made me feel less alone, but on the other hand, not reading about the specific elements of my own situation made me feel even more isolated.
One thing I learned from this book is what people mean with they refer to "triggers". Being active in the indie author community online, I've been involved in numerous conversation about the need to put trigger warnings in the front matter of a book. I've never understood these because I'm not generally bothered by most violent or disturbing content. As a lifelong horror buff, I've always kind of prided myself on my relative lack of squeamishness. I've had it explained to me that triggers relate to past trauma or abuse, but I didn't understand. But the level of anger I felt as I read this book revealed to me that I find stories of overbearing, overprotective, overly affectionate mothers to be mildly triggering. And I realized that I have always felt that way. When I read It by Stephen King, the scenes with Eddie's mother made me feel so much rage that I was still seething hours after putting the book down. When my children were little and most of my social circle was other new moms, I would get so angry when I would see them freak out over every trip or fall or bump that I would just be in a bad mood for the rest of the day. And after I became active on social media, I would feel literal disgust anytime I saw a post from a parent talking about how much they loved their child. All I could think was thank goodness my mom did not have Facebook when I was growing up. And anytime I hear someone say "my children are my world" I want to point out to them that it's a darn exhausting thing to be someone else's world.
So this book has taught me that those feelings are perfectly normal. They do not mean that I'm a bad person or a bad daughter, and knowing that makes me feel so much better about myself.
I particularly appreciated that this one took into account all forms of enmeshment, not just that between a mother and a son. I understand the need to focus on the mother/son relationship because that's one in which great damage can be done while often going unseen. In a culture that places mothers on a pedestal, it's hard sometimes to see the ways in which that relationship can be toxic. And in a culture that tends to want to focus primarily on women as victims of abuse, it's important to acknowledge the ways in which men and boys also suffer.
However, enmeshment does not just occur between a mother and her son. It also does not just occur between a child and their opposite-sex parent. There can be any combination of genders in that situation, and this book explored all of them.
I, of course, was drawn to this topic partly because of my relationship with my own mother. One area where this book was lacking was that it did not fully address my personal situation. There's no reason to expect that it would. Every relationship is unique, so there's no reason to expect that I would see myself reflected exactly in the case studies presented in the book. However, what frustrated me was the fact that most of the stories in the book had one thing in common...the children did not at first recognize that their relationship with their parent was toxic. In most cases they had to be guided by their therapist to a point where they could see how enmeshment had damaged them. My situation was different. Since I was probably twelve years old I've bristled at my mother's shows of physical affection. As a teenager I hated the guilt trips I received if I did not reciprocate with an enthusiastic hug. I hated my mother's reaction to me being injured so much that by the time I was nine or ten I had started blatantly lying to her if she asked if I was okay. Better to but on a brave face in public and hide the scrapes and bruises than to endure her overbearing attention. And as a young adult I despised her need to micromanage my life, telling me how to take care of my house and even where to shop for groceries. The only guilt I ever felt is that I didn't live up to society's expectations of a daughter. Because as a general rule, if a child does not get along with his or her mother, it must be the child's fault. If you don't love and respect your mother, it's not because your mother did something wrong, it's because you're a spoiled, ungrateful child. For years I've struggled with society's expectation of how I'm supposed to feel about my mother vs. my own slightly less positive feelings. The book did not address that dynamic at all, and I really wish it had. On the one hand, reading about other toxic mothers made me feel less alone, but on the other hand, not reading about the specific elements of my own situation made me feel even more isolated.
One thing I learned from this book is what people mean with they refer to "triggers". Being active in the indie author community online, I've been involved in numerous conversation about the need to put trigger warnings in the front matter of a book. I've never understood these because I'm not generally bothered by most violent or disturbing content. As a lifelong horror buff, I've always kind of prided myself on my relative lack of squeamishness. I've had it explained to me that triggers relate to past trauma or abuse, but I didn't understand. But the level of anger I felt as I read this book revealed to me that I find stories of overbearing, overprotective, overly affectionate mothers to be mildly triggering. And I realized that I have always felt that way. When I read It by Stephen King, the scenes with Eddie's mother made me feel so much rage that I was still seething hours after putting the book down. When my children were little and most of my social circle was other new moms, I would get so angry when I would see them freak out over every trip or fall or bump that I would just be in a bad mood for the rest of the day. And after I became active on social media, I would feel literal disgust anytime I saw a post from a parent talking about how much they loved their child. All I could think was thank goodness my mom did not have Facebook when I was growing up. And anytime I hear someone say "my children are my world" I want to point out to them that it's a darn exhausting thing to be someone else's world.
So this book has taught me that those feelings are perfectly normal. They do not mean that I'm a bad person or a bad daughter, and knowing that makes me feel so much better about myself.
November 6, 2019
This is the only book I’ve found covering this topic and I’m so glad I found it. It was frightening from the title on, but in the way I needed it to be. The first step towards healing and change is being honest, even if it’s scary. Many people who have experienced emotional incest cringe at the title because the word “incest” feels icky. You may have a tendency to say “no that’s not what happened. This book is not for me.” I urge you to give at least the first few chapters a read and then decide. Some of the situations are so spot on and you may see like I did how your upbringing was ripe for emotional incest.
I found the second half of the book to be too anecdotal and full of case studies to be helpful. The stories were powerful but didn’t resonate as well for me because they were almost too specific.
What I liked most was the explanation that despite the harmful effects of emotional incest, there are many positive aspects of a “close” relationship with a parent. This duplicity sheds light on how we can both be angry and resentful of an enmeshed relationship, but still feel love and gratitude for their parent.
I found the second half of the book to be too anecdotal and full of case studies to be helpful. The stories were powerful but didn’t resonate as well for me because they were almost too specific.
What I liked most was the explanation that despite the harmful effects of emotional incest, there are many positive aspects of a “close” relationship with a parent. This duplicity sheds light on how we can both be angry and resentful of an enmeshed relationship, but still feel love and gratitude for their parent.
October 31, 2021
I genuinely believe this is a must-read for any future parent or any person who has had a tense relationship with their parent (living or dead). While some info is dated, and some info did not directly relate to me or my life, this was an eye-opening read. I don't believe all the solutions are laid out here, but the author does a fantastic job of outlining normal parent-child boundaries - something that is not often discussed or widely known. Being raised by an unchecked narcissist, this was a fantastic outline of what a normal parent-child relationship looks like, and more importantly, what it did not. There was a lot of validation in my feelings towards my own parents and confirmation that being a parent's confidant is not only wrong, but has long-lasting effects. This book helped highlight my own shortcomings based on my childhood expereinces. I don't have children yet, and I don't know if I will, but this book provided clearer information on how to go about boundaries with your child. Even parents with the best of intentions can blur the lines and end up enmeshed. This book is a great resource to prevent that.
Displaying 1 - 29 of 55 reviews