Stop Screaming, I'm Scared Too: An Australian Soldier's Story

by Rod Henderson

‘Stop screaming, I’m scared too!’ is not what you’d expect to see on the back of a loadmaster’s helmet in a Chinook helicopter flying over southern Afghanistan, but for Rod Henderson it sums up his 22 years of service as a soldier in the Australian Army.

During the busiest period in the Army’s history, Rod was deployed to East Timor, Papua New Guinea, Pakistan and Afghanistan. In Australia, he was involved in counter terrorism operations and disaster recovery. From an infantry paratrooper, to Chinook loadmaster and Blackhawk door gunner, Rod reveals an enthralling and unique perspective of service.

Whether it is ‘right place wrong time’ or just unlucky, he found himself in a series of life threatening and traumatic events. Each one took a toll. Accepting the physical injuries and mental health challenges from his service, Rod found healing in the hallowed halls of the Australian War Memorial.

This is not the story of a general or a Special Forces hero. It is the extraordinary memoir of a regular Australian soldier. Like so many others who have served their country with honour and distinction, the little-known stories of ordinary soldiers deserve to be told.

In Stop Screaming, I’m Scared Too, Rod reveals the depth of his soldiering experiences with humour, humility, self-reflection and honesty.

Genres: Nonfiction

352 pages, Paperback

Published July 31, 2024

Reviews

[Vickie · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book really 'brings home' just how much our service personnel give of themselves for their country.
Thank you to every one of you.
For too long there has been an attitude of 'just get on with it', without any regard for the toll on the wellbeing of service people's physical & mental health. Although there is more awareness now, I personally hope more help becomes available in the near future & these men & women are able to talk to their mates without the fear of being dismissed.
Thank you Rod for having the courage in writing about all the good AND bad things. Your raw honesty is very appreciated & I am sure will help many of our service people.

[Sarah-Jane Hildebrand · Rating 5 out of 5]

Stop Screaming I’m Scared Too is a raw, heartwarming and heart wrenching insight into the life of an Australian soldier.
I’ll be honest, this genre isn’t my usual ‘go to’ when it comes to what I choose to read, but I was more than pleasantly surprised with how much I enjoyed this book within the first few pages!
The realness of how the author, Rod Henderson, tells his story makes you feel as though you are there reliving the events with him. I found myself forming instant connections with each individual character he introduced, and felt my blood pumping with each precarious situation he found himself in whilst serving.
This book is a must read, even if it is not a genre you would usually be drawn to.

Thank you, Rod, for not only your service but also for allowing readers into this incredibly honest and open account of your experiences as an Australian soldier.

[John Sheridan · Rating 5 out of 5]

I’ve read a lot of military history and quite a few memoirs or autobiographical accounts of service. Rod Henderson’s is up there with the best. He tells a gripping story of training and deployment in the Australian Army’s busiest period. His honesty in describing the issues with which he dealt and their effect on him is remarkable. The challenges he faced have, no doubt, been faced by other soldiers but not all have had the courage to write them down so that others might learn and, hopefully understand. Highly recommended.

[Jeremy Armstrong · Rating 5 out of 5]

Rod Henderson might have just written the quintessential Australian soldiers' story of a generation

A must read for any one considering ADF service or with a veteran in their life. I've already asked members of my family to read Stop Screaming I'm Scared Too.

Rod has shared aspects of his life experience, some of which I share, in a manner which I find it hard to explain to anyone 'who wasn't there'.

[Peter McCoy · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is an incredible, yet very honest account of the life of an Army soldier and helicopter aircrewman, serving during what could be described as one of the busiest operational tempo periods in modern times. Rod goes into great detail to describe the excitement and exhilaration of military operations, and the tight bond of mateship and trust forged in the military. At the same time, he doesn’t shy away from describing the impact caused by the inevitable close calls in such a hazardous occupation. A must read for anyone interested in becoming Army Aircrew.

[Nick Hammond · Rating 5 out of 5]

I just read Rods book over the weekend. Wow. I thoroughly enjoyed it.
From irreverent humour to life threatening danger to mental health awareness, it's all here.
Thank you Rod, for taking the time to put this to paper in such an eloquent and enjoyable way.
You have been able to perfectly articulate things, both good and bad, in a way that is refreshing.
Cheers!

[Des Hunt · Rating 5 out of 5]

A fantastic story that hit home on several fronts regarding life in the military! Would thoroughly recommend reading this very engaging and relatable book by Rod!!

[Colin Smith · Rating 5 out of 5]

“Stop Screaming, I’m Scared Too” is one of the most memorable and inspirational books I have ever read. It is written in an easy-to-read-style, with raw honesty, genuine humility, and a sense of Aussie larrikinism. The 49 photos are a bonus and tell a story within itself.

Written by former Australian Defence Force member Rod Henderson, he initially recounts how he developed an interest as a youngster in the Army from the many stories of family members who served in times of war. These stories inspired him to join his local Army cadet regiment at the age of 14 years before joining the ADF at the age of 19 years.

The bulk of this fascinating book is devoted to recounting Rod’s 22 years of service in the Royal Australian Army from June 1995 to January 2017. After his initial training at Kapooka, Rod joined the 3 Royal Australian Regiment as a paratrooper/infantryman, and after a few years was promoted to the rank of Lance Corporal. He served as an infantryman in East Timor in 1999-2000, after which time he had the opportunity in 2001 to transfer over to 5 Aviation Regiment where he trained as a loadmaster and gunner on Blackhawk helicopters. For the next 9 years, he flew over 1900 hours in Blackhawks including operations in East Timor, Pakistan and Papua New Guinea. In 2010, Rod undertook conversion training to crewing Chinook helicopters and served on active deployment in Afghanistan. In January 2014, Rod became an instructor at the Royal Military College, Duntroon, before retiring from the ADF in January 2017 at the rank of Sergeant.

Throughout the book, Rod describes with humour many unusual incidents including searching Dili Hospital for a fugitive code-named "Elvis", militia prisoners fleeing a hornets’ nest, preventing a potential hotel bombing in Dili whilst grabbing the hand of a militia suspect only to discover that the suspect was holding onto a hand grenade, building the most secure and regal dunny in war-torn East Timor, and playing cricket with the locals in Pakistan.

In the final chapters of the book, Rod recounts his post-deployment years, his battle with PTSD, his submission and personal testimony to the Royal Commission into Defence and Veteran Suicide, and his current role at the Australian War Memorial serving as a volunteer guide.

So, if you ever wondered whether you had the stomach to eat a ration pack nicknamed “trainwreck” or when Rod first wore the label, “Stop screaming I’m scared too” on the back of his loadmaster’s helmet, you will need to read the book yourself. And when you do, you will be rewarded with such gems of advice as: “Any idiot can be uncomfortable; it takes real skill to make best of a shit situation.”

“Stop Screaming, I’m Scared Too” is such a captivating book that in my opinion it is destined to become an Australian classic. The book's authenticity and vivid descriptions provide the potential for this great yarn to one day be easily made into a movie or mini-series.

As an educator, I highly recommend that “Stop Screaming, I’m Scared Too” be included on the Year 10-12 literature list, where the values of mateship, courage, sacrifice, integrity, facing fears bravely and dealing with depression are explored.

I unreservedly and proudly rate this book five stars.

- Colin Smith

[Mountain343 · Rating 4 out of 5]

Rod is a gifted story teller who weaves an interesting narrative. Starting at a young age through his early deployments to East Timor with 3RAR, you see him gradually grow into the role he had always wanted to fill, that of an army infantryman.

As time goes on, and his career changes, you see both his maturity and self doubt manifest itself in his choices and actions, whether it was dealing with someone with a grenade or his push for safer flying conditions.

Whether he's in East Timor, Pakistan, or Afghanistan, the reader is really treated to the experience of what it was like to be on that ground, to fly the missions, to be a part of the crew, and what it was like for an Aussie abroad and the clash of cultures. Manning checkpoints, living with rats and fleas, and whether it was being involved in direct action flights or dropping off humanitarian aid, this book really gives people an interesting viewpoint of those deployments.

There are stories that really stand out that I wasn't expecting though. His experience working with the AFP to recover bodies in Papau New Guinea along the Kokoda track is just heartbreaking and devastating, and his frank discussions where you see his anxiety ramp up and take hold are like watching a disaster occur in slow motion.

At the same time, he never forgets to include the effect his service had on his family, especially the struggles he has had with his transition. Let's be honest, there are a LOT of books that discuss PTSD and the effects it has on soldiers and first responders, but this is one of the few that mentions just how important retraining peoples brains are after having built them into tightly wound springs ready to act and react with hyper-vigilance. To go from switched on 24/7, eagerly anticipating the next deployment, engagement, or incident, even during leave and down time, to simply existing in a normal environment isn't something many people can do without assistance.

Grading stars scale:
1 is awful/DNF
2 has issues
3 is a decent book
4 is a really good book
5 is a great/incredible/amazing book

[Bryce England · Rating 5 out of 5]

As it says in the book summary, the period during which Rod served in the Australian Army was one of the busiest in its history and he was right there at the sharp end for most of it. Whether he would consider himself to have been in the right place at the right time or in some cases the wrong place at the wrong time would be open to interpretation. Perhaps the answer lies somewhere between those two extremes.

Aside from being an extremely entertaining memoir of the career of a self-described "regular Australian soldier", "Stop Screaming I'm Scared Too" serves as an honest account of the ongoing toll that defence service has on our modern veterans and their families, and an accurate reflection of how the impact of a soldier's service almost never ends once the transition to civilian life is made. Serving in the ADF is a unique experience that comes with a heap of benefits, but in some instances a long list of downsides as well. Those who volunteer to serve their country in uniform do so knowing that they may be called upon to make the ultimate sacrifice, but very few of us really consider how much it changes you until it becomes obvious much later on. And for me personally, reading Rod's story has been a solid reminder of the importance of maintaining connection and looking out for your mates, especially after you've transitioned out of the military.

Even if you don't have an interest in military history, I'd urge you to read this book. Enjoy the stories that Rod tells with larrikin humour typical of the Aussie soldier, but the best part of this book, and the one that hit me the most, is the final chapter. Enjoy the ride as you read through the fascinating anecdotes of Rod's career, but make sure you soak in the real point to his story at the end. A powerful closing message that all Australians ought to hear - especially those who send our young men and women off to do the unpleasant things that sometimes need to be done.

[Owen Howden · Rating 5 out of 5]

As a veteran of service to this great country, I was moved by your story. I wasn't Infantry, but I was part of the ODF as my first posting after being at the school of Signals was to 103 Sig Sqn in Townsville. I found this a hard posting due to family all being in South Australia, and at the time of my posting, both S.A and Vic were being burnt by the Ash Wednesday bushfires. The command staff at the time weren't compassionate to the plight and growing concern of a number of us from the states being ravaged by these fires, we all ended up going away and headed home to make sure our families and friends were out of harms way. After getting home and making sure all were fine, I handed myself in and took my punishment. I changed corporate and went on to serve for a total of 11 years. I discharged due to 3 fractured vertebrae in my lower back and a disk that made walking feel like I was walking on broken glass. Like the author, when I was discharged, it was like there you go, out the door, no real unwinding of the training and 11 yrs service, became a heavy drinker and watched my family life implode and end in divorce.
The time spent in service is still something I am proud of doing and were I a teen ratbag I would do it all again, but we need a better system for helping those who are discharging from the services, to ease into civie life and not have to go through what the author, myself and I am sure numerous others have gone through.

To the author, thank you for your service to our great country, and thanks for great story. It brought tears, smiles, and laughter to this old Veteran

[Peter Green · Rating 5 out of 5]

I've not finished reading a whole book in nearly five years, until now. I kind of devoured this one over a day, and for very good reasons. Written in an easy style that carries you along on his very personal journey, Rod shares freely of his broad range of experiences in the Australian Army, in two different Combat Corps. He sheds much needed light on some of the Army cultures that prevailed in a recently bygone era, and is courageous to do so. Behaviours and conduct that many would prefer never happened, and that most in authority would try to hide, deny or punish, get laid bare for all to read. Pretending for the sake of correctness that things weren't like that, serves no one, and denies reality. Along with detailed descriptions of some truly horrific situations he and his team faced, Rod lets us inside the story, and shares what it actually felt like too. At times irreverent, Rod's strong moral compass is plain to see, as he challenges stupidity in authority, and advocates for positive change. His lovable larrikin humour shows through, boosting you from one adventure to the next. It's a bloody good read, from a bloody good bloke. My hat's off to him, and all that served with him!

[Krista Vane-Tempest · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is a raw, honest and unflinching account of Henderson's military service and the effect it had on him. It is well-paced, moving from Henderson's youthful enlistment to his time in Black Hawks and Chinooks, both in Australia and on overseas deployments. What I really appreciated was Henderson's ability to not only paint a picture of where he was, what he did, army culture and characters etc, but also how he felt about it then and now. Some episodes had me on the edge of my seat, some smiling wryly. At the end I was verging on tears. This book is first and foremost a good read - but it is also, I think, an important and courageous one, for the insights it offers into the experiences of those who put their lives at risk for the rest of us. Highly recommended.

[PageGlow · Rating 5 out of 5]

Rod Henderson, Stop Screaming, I’m Scared Too: is a compelling and deeply human military memoir that goes beyond traditional war narratives. With honesty, humility, and understated humour, Henderson shares his experiences as an ordinary Australian soldier navigating extraordinary circumstances. From deployments across multiple conflict zones to the lasting physical and mental toll of service, his reflections are both confronting and heartfelt. This is not a story of rank or hero worship, but of resilience, vulnerability, and healing. Henderson gives voice to the many soldiers whose stories are rarely told, making this book an essential and moving read for anyone interested in authentic military experiences.

[Reader · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is a must read for anyone who has served, wants to serve, family and friends or anyone who wants to know “what’s it really like?”
The author's accurate portrayal of life as an infantry soldier in the 90’s to an aircraft crewman during peacekeeping operations to war in Afghanistan is second to none.
At time hilarious to terrifying and then to periods of 95% boredom and mischief making, the author paints life as a soldier so accurately that it’s impossible to stop reading.
Do yourself a favour and give this one a go.

[Sharon · Rating 5 out of 5]

Slowly we're starting to see books on current or modern service appearing on our bookshelves. And to have the authors write with such honesty is exceptional. Rod has written a book that is at its simplest a terrific read. And then some more. Covering events and experiences from soldier to loadmaster and door gunner it is eye-opening, and locations that I've honestly not read alot about, Pakistan anyone!? a book that should be on your TBR shelf.

[Doug61 · Rating 5 out of 5]

Loved it! I identified with maybe a little too much. Rod has captured so much of the unspoken nature of Army life. Mates, and the 'human dynamics' of personalities at every level and in every situation bring so many insights and humorous moments to Rod's story. His respect for and love of his family who are always there is also obvious throughout. Once started you will want to find out how it ends!

[Lee Boehm · Rating 5 out of 5]

I think Rod’s story will do more for recruiting than all the millions spent on contracts. I read this in 3 days. A great easy to read story about what it’s really like in the Army. The camaraderie and adventure but also the more difficult parts of missing family and special occasions and the danger that is involved in this type of work.

I’d love to hear one of Rod’s tours at the AWM and having found that we have a VC winner in the family, Reg Rattey, another visit soon is in order.

[Zoe Kennedy · Rating 5 out of 5]

A truly humble, heartfelt recount of a high caliber human who takes you with him on his journey as an Australian soldier. This story is the epitome of what a paradoxical journey the soldier and the human in the uniform must endure. I laughed, cried and empathised with every chapter. Thank you Rod for keeping it REAL xx

[Eternalknitter · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is an amazing “warts and all” look into Rod’s service experiences while in the Australian Army and afterwards while suffering PTSD. We thank you Rod and all the other Australian men and women serving in the Australian defence forces.

I recommend this book to everyone as it was a great insight into a veteran’s experiences.

[Erin Grigson Baylis · Rating 5 out of 5]

This was a great nonfiction.
I'm not a huge fan of books about war or fighting. But this one was engaging and I wanted to know all about his adventures.
There were funny moments and scary moments and I was there for all of it!
8/10 it wasn't my favorite nonfiction, but it is probably right down someone else's alley!

[Reader · Rating 5 out of 5]

A truly captivating and authentic story of a down to earth Australian soldier. It will have you both laughing out loud and sitting in silence reflecting on all our soldiers have experienced on deployment. “Stop Screaming I’m Scared Too” is a must read - I couldn’t put it down.

[Andrew Weppner · Rating 5 out of 5]

Supurb read and a fantastic insight into the amazing career of one (of many) of our service men and women who put themselves in harms way for the protection of ourselves, and our country. Well written, open and honest, about the highs and lows of Rod’s journey. Thoroughly recommended.

[Xan · Rating 5 out of 5]

One of the best books I have ever read in my life. The book goes over Rod’s life so far. It is very detailed and extremely well written. There is quite a lot of thoughts and emotion put into the book and he has written about his genuine thoughts. I would highly recommend this book to anyone.

[Dave Baker · Rating 5 out of 5]

An honest and raw account of one man’s service to his country and his team mates. Sometimes hilarious and sometimes harrowing, I found this book an enthralling insight into one of the many unknown roles performed daily in our armed forces. Highly recommended.

[Reader · Rating 5 out of 5]

Thoroughly enjoyable read .
Rod has let the reader into a world few experience and I have a new found appreciation for our defence force personnel
Highly recommend this book !

[Lachlan · Rating 5 out of 5]

Excellent account of an amazing career and life. Highly recommend to anyone interested in recent Australian history.

[Jamie Norris · Rating 5 out of 5]

Outstanding book on life the the Australian Army, and the toll it takes on veterans. I highly recommend this book.

[Stuart Gillespie · Rating 5 out of 5]

Stop Screaming, I’m Scared Too!

I had heard Rod Henderson a couple of times on the excellent Zero Limits podcast, I thought Rod told some great stories from his service and was keen to read this book as he’d said on the podcast/s there were more to come in the book!

I found the book to be refreshingly honest, it tells of numerous events that Rod found himself in and dealing with, it’s open, funny at times and as a reader I found myself being alongside Rod as he recounted these times.

It’s not the usual special forces read that we are able to come across nowadays, and in a way it’s a genuine refreshing change of pace being from an infantryman and aircrew member / loadmaster perspective. The book provides a great insight into Rod’s service and Rod is very open with the struggles he has faced too, it is well worth the read.

I highly recommend the book and extend a sincere thankyou to Rod for his service.