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The Widow's Guide to Dead Bastards
A widow’s life is turned upside when she uncovers the truth about her late husband in this lyrical, witty, and deeply moving memoir of tragedy and betrayal.
In the midst of mourning her husband’s sudden death, writer Jessica Waite discovered shocking secrets that undermined everything she thought she knew about the man she’d loved and trusted. From uncovered affairs to drug use and a pornography addiction, Waite was overwhelmed reconciling this devastating information with her new reality as a widowed single mom. Then, to further complicate matters, strange, inexplicable coincidences forced her to consider whether her husband was reaching back from beyond the grave.
With her signature candor and unflinching honesty, Waite details her tumultuous love story and the pain of adjusting to the new normal she built for herself and her son. A riveting, difficult, and surprisingly beautiful story, The Widow’s Guide to Dead Bastards is also a lyrical exploration of grief, mental health, single parenthood, and betrayal that demonstrates that the most moving love stories aren’t perfect—they’re flawed and poignantly real.
In the midst of mourning her husband’s sudden death, writer Jessica Waite discovered shocking secrets that undermined everything she thought she knew about the man she’d loved and trusted. From uncovered affairs to drug use and a pornography addiction, Waite was overwhelmed reconciling this devastating information with her new reality as a widowed single mom. Then, to further complicate matters, strange, inexplicable coincidences forced her to consider whether her husband was reaching back from beyond the grave.
With her signature candor and unflinching honesty, Waite details her tumultuous love story and the pain of adjusting to the new normal she built for herself and her son. A riveting, difficult, and surprisingly beautiful story, The Widow’s Guide to Dead Bastards is also a lyrical exploration of grief, mental health, single parenthood, and betrayal that demonstrates that the most moving love stories aren’t perfect—they’re flawed and poignantly real.
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First published July 30, 2024
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 540 reviews
January 12, 2025
This was really good, until it wasn’t.
First half: a deeply vulnerable memoir of grief, anger and acceptance - 5 stars
Second half: lost direction completely and I skimmed to the end - 2 stars
Total 3.5 star rounded down.
It’s difficult to review and critique a memoir, as a person put their life and in this case, deeply traumatic events, on page for strangers to dissect. I imagine this author knew that while presenting this to us and therefore I’m going to delve into the flaws in the narrative and choices made in presenting the story, as opposed to the events themselves, which cannot be critiqued.
So as other reviewers have stated, this book seems to be divided into two parts; the time the author experiences immediately after the death of her husband and the exploration of new age spiritualism in the years after.
This first part is gripping, raw and emotional. We see flashbacks to the couple’s courtship and tumultuous marriage. The themes of loss, infidelity, mental illness, betrayal and more are explored with real vulnerability. We experience the author’s truth vividly and the prose is well written, engaging and approachable.
The second half of the book however was different. It was more a compilation of vignettes of the author’s life past the first year post-death as she explores spiritualism and tries to make sense of her loss and connect to her husband’s ghost. For lack of a better word, it was weird. It did not fit with the first half at all, it had new characters that were not explored deeply, and it was choppy and purposeless.
Now, this is where this gets difficult for me. As this is a memoir, obviously this was the author’s true portrayal of events as she knows them, but it was written in a way that was hard to connect with as a reader. It lacked the emotion of the first half and the deep connection to side characters. It consisted of her accounting of various groups and classes she partook in and only glanced at her relationships built there. She says in the epilogue that she left much of the spiritual experiences out of this portion and I think this was a mistake. Because there was an opportunity to really engage in a type of ghost story here to make the reader understand why she explored such off-centre, new age therapies. Now granted, I am a skeptic and an atheist so none of these events would resonate with me in real life, however I do love to read about spirits and ghosts but that was really only lightly pursued here.
All the meat from the first half dealing with interpersonal connection with family, friends and rivals, of coming to terms with the death of a husband who was (as the title says) a bastard, was abandoned as the book took a sharp turn.
I get that the author had to pull back from a lot of her husband’s family to start living her own independent life but as she made new friends and connections we weren’t really given a window into that. It was all so surface level and seemed like a listing of events instead of a cohesive storyline and because of this, I was extremely bored. I ended up speed reading the final ten or so chapters just to finish, hoping that some connection would be made between both parts at the end. Some revelation and resolution of healing from a spouse’s sudden death as well as a his betrayal and their abusive marriage. But it never really got there. It was a lacklustre finish to a potentially engaging story of grief.
But all that being said the writing was compelling and vibrant and I hope Waite tries her hand at writing fiction in future. She has a great voice and ability to really write emotional stories. I just think this one needed better direction and focus in the second half. Perhaps with fiction, the narrative would be tighter and have a singular focus.
Thank you to NetGalley and the Simon and Schuster Canada Influencer Program for the complimentary copy of this book.
First half: a deeply vulnerable memoir of grief, anger and acceptance - 5 stars
Second half: lost direction completely and I skimmed to the end - 2 stars
Total 3.5 star rounded down.
It’s difficult to review and critique a memoir, as a person put their life and in this case, deeply traumatic events, on page for strangers to dissect. I imagine this author knew that while presenting this to us and therefore I’m going to delve into the flaws in the narrative and choices made in presenting the story, as opposed to the events themselves, which cannot be critiqued.
So as other reviewers have stated, this book seems to be divided into two parts; the time the author experiences immediately after the death of her husband and the exploration of new age spiritualism in the years after.
This first part is gripping, raw and emotional. We see flashbacks to the couple’s courtship and tumultuous marriage. The themes of loss, infidelity, mental illness, betrayal and more are explored with real vulnerability. We experience the author’s truth vividly and the prose is well written, engaging and approachable.
The second half of the book however was different. It was more a compilation of vignettes of the author’s life past the first year post-death as she explores spiritualism and tries to make sense of her loss and connect to her husband’s ghost. For lack of a better word, it was weird. It did not fit with the first half at all, it had new characters that were not explored deeply, and it was choppy and purposeless.
Now, this is where this gets difficult for me. As this is a memoir, obviously this was the author’s true portrayal of events as she knows them, but it was written in a way that was hard to connect with as a reader. It lacked the emotion of the first half and the deep connection to side characters. It consisted of her accounting of various groups and classes she partook in and only glanced at her relationships built there. She says in the epilogue that she left much of the spiritual experiences out of this portion and I think this was a mistake. Because there was an opportunity to really engage in a type of ghost story here to make the reader understand why she explored such off-centre, new age therapies. Now granted, I am a skeptic and an atheist so none of these events would resonate with me in real life, however I do love to read about spirits and ghosts but that was really only lightly pursued here.
All the meat from the first half dealing with interpersonal connection with family, friends and rivals, of coming to terms with the death of a husband who was (as the title says) a bastard, was abandoned as the book took a sharp turn.
I get that the author had to pull back from a lot of her husband’s family to start living her own independent life but as she made new friends and connections we weren’t really given a window into that. It was all so surface level and seemed like a listing of events instead of a cohesive storyline and because of this, I was extremely bored. I ended up speed reading the final ten or so chapters just to finish, hoping that some connection would be made between both parts at the end. Some revelation and resolution of healing from a spouse’s sudden death as well as a his betrayal and their abusive marriage. But it never really got there. It was a lacklustre finish to a potentially engaging story of grief.
But all that being said the writing was compelling and vibrant and I hope Waite tries her hand at writing fiction in future. She has a great voice and ability to really write emotional stories. I just think this one needed better direction and focus in the second half. Perhaps with fiction, the narrative would be tighter and have a singular focus.
Thank you to NetGalley and the Simon and Schuster Canada Influencer Program for the complimentary copy of this book.
October 15, 2024
hell yeah.
or i guess hell no?
honestly i come away from this book just feeling bad for the kid.
this is a rendition of how a woman discovered her mentally ill husband was cheating on her after he'd died. it is not fun to read. mostly you feel terrible for everyone involved: the woman, the man, his many loved ones having to deal with their dirty laundry being aired.
i hope it was cathartic to write, because it felt very wrong to read. like hearing really personal gossip from your most boundary-less neighbor.
not to mention the weird racist paragraph about sex workers around the world.
bottom line: waste of a really good title.
(thanks to the publisher for the copy)
or i guess hell no?
honestly i come away from this book just feeling bad for the kid.
this is a rendition of how a woman discovered her mentally ill husband was cheating on her after he'd died. it is not fun to read. mostly you feel terrible for everyone involved: the woman, the man, his many loved ones having to deal with their dirty laundry being aired.
i hope it was cathartic to write, because it felt very wrong to read. like hearing really personal gossip from your most boundary-less neighbor.
not to mention the weird racist paragraph about sex workers around the world.
bottom line: waste of a really good title.
(thanks to the publisher for the copy)
September 2, 2024
When I saw the title and book description of The Widow's Guide to Dead Bastards, I knew I had to read it.
The author, Jessica Waite, lost her husband, Sean, to a massive heart attack in the Houston airport when he is on a business trip. Sean was 47 and their son, Dash, was 9.
Rather quickly, Waite discovered secrets about her husband. Her memoir is a raw, poignant, bumpy road as she tries to navigate loss, grief, secrets, insurance claims, and career possibilities.
Highly recommend!
The author, Jessica Waite, lost her husband, Sean, to a massive heart attack in the Houston airport when he is on a business trip. Sean was 47 and their son, Dash, was 9.
Rather quickly, Waite discovered secrets about her husband. Her memoir is a raw, poignant, bumpy road as she tries to navigate loss, grief, secrets, insurance claims, and career possibilities.
Highly recommend!
May 12, 2024
This is a memoir with a hook and it does its best to deliver on the opening pages, as Waite pores over a secret hard drive her husband kept. But it is a false bill of goods. The title tells you this is a book about grieving an awful person. But ultimately when you ask what this book is about, it is not about that. It is about making peace in grief. It is, kind of disappointingly, a rather basic grief memoir at the end of the day.
The grief memoir is one of the largest memoir subgenres, right up there with celebrities and addictions. And Waite's hook means it should be a useful entry. Grieving a person who made big mistakes is certainly a more interesting (and likely common) story than we get to hear about. But even when Waite is diving into her husband's secrets, or revealing the times when he was a difficult person in his life, it never comes together. It feels more like a collection of anecdotes. While the broad strokes move linearly through time, there is no clear path to follow.
After reading this entire book, I couldn't really tell you what this marriage was like. We get glimpses, but we do not get a clear narrative or a final tally. Of course a marriage is complicated and a marriage with infidelity and secrets and undiagnosed mental health issues is more complicated. But Waite only really gives us two modes: she is either searching for secrets or she is grieving a man she loved. And the more time that passes, the more we move from one to the other. We don't get a chance to reckon fully with those secrets, we don't get a chance to reconstruct how all this happened. We don't really get the chance to understand what it must be like for Waite to have to hold all these secrets when everyone else thinks Sean was such a great guy. I could not understand the happy parts of this marriage or the sad parts, not even just from Waite's perspective.
The writing is straightforward. Things veer pretty strongly into a new age direction in the last half, looking for signs and trying to identify messages from the dead. It's a weird contrast from the beginning of the book. I think this memoir suffers from a very common memoir problem: Waite is actually too close to the feelings and experiences. It's clear that what Waite really wants from this need to communicate with Sean is a chance for him to reckon with the things he's done, a chance for the two of them to find closure. It takes a long time for the book to recognize that this is what it's about: how Waite has to do the work her husband never had to do, how she has to bear all the consequences, tie up all the loose ends.
When the book is angry, it feels the most real. When it is looking for peace, it becomes a lot less interesting and doesn't really seem to know what to say anymore. I think it could have used a stronger structural edit, a deeper look at everything. A willingness to move beyond anecdotes, to really ask questions and find answers.
I cannot stop thinking about one piece in particular that Waite shares early on, while her husband was still alive, where he threatened violence right in front of their son. It's not that Waite ignores it, but she doesn't fully reckon with it either at the time or later. The porn, honestly, doesn't even matter all that much. It's classic opening chapter shock value stuff. But this, I just couldn't let it go even when the book had set it aside. It made it hard for me to feel good about Waite getting tearful at what she took as a message from him. There is an unspoken idea that this dead version of Sean is penitent, that he is reformed, that he is somehow fixed, that he isn't the same person that he was when he died. When, to me, I can't let that person go.
Perhaps that is one of the things a grief memoir has to do. Is learn to let go. And I am simply not reading a grief memoir correctly. But to me what's interesting about the story is that this man acted so badly and that he will never account for it, that he somehow still gets forgiveness and love without any remorse or amends. And that Waite isn't all that interested in what that means and how you deal with it.
The grief memoir is one of the largest memoir subgenres, right up there with celebrities and addictions. And Waite's hook means it should be a useful entry. Grieving a person who made big mistakes is certainly a more interesting (and likely common) story than we get to hear about. But even when Waite is diving into her husband's secrets, or revealing the times when he was a difficult person in his life, it never comes together. It feels more like a collection of anecdotes. While the broad strokes move linearly through time, there is no clear path to follow.
After reading this entire book, I couldn't really tell you what this marriage was like. We get glimpses, but we do not get a clear narrative or a final tally. Of course a marriage is complicated and a marriage with infidelity and secrets and undiagnosed mental health issues is more complicated. But Waite only really gives us two modes: she is either searching for secrets or she is grieving a man she loved. And the more time that passes, the more we move from one to the other. We don't get a chance to reckon fully with those secrets, we don't get a chance to reconstruct how all this happened. We don't really get the chance to understand what it must be like for Waite to have to hold all these secrets when everyone else thinks Sean was such a great guy. I could not understand the happy parts of this marriage or the sad parts, not even just from Waite's perspective.
The writing is straightforward. Things veer pretty strongly into a new age direction in the last half, looking for signs and trying to identify messages from the dead. It's a weird contrast from the beginning of the book. I think this memoir suffers from a very common memoir problem: Waite is actually too close to the feelings and experiences. It's clear that what Waite really wants from this need to communicate with Sean is a chance for him to reckon with the things he's done, a chance for the two of them to find closure. It takes a long time for the book to recognize that this is what it's about: how Waite has to do the work her husband never had to do, how she has to bear all the consequences, tie up all the loose ends.
When the book is angry, it feels the most real. When it is looking for peace, it becomes a lot less interesting and doesn't really seem to know what to say anymore. I think it could have used a stronger structural edit, a deeper look at everything. A willingness to move beyond anecdotes, to really ask questions and find answers.
I cannot stop thinking about one piece in particular that Waite shares early on, while her husband was still alive, where he threatened violence right in front of their son. It's not that Waite ignores it, but she doesn't fully reckon with it either at the time or later. The porn, honestly, doesn't even matter all that much. It's classic opening chapter shock value stuff. But this, I just couldn't let it go even when the book had set it aside. It made it hard for me to feel good about Waite getting tearful at what she took as a message from him. There is an unspoken idea that this dead version of Sean is penitent, that he is reformed, that he is somehow fixed, that he isn't the same person that he was when he died. When, to me, I can't let that person go.
Perhaps that is one of the things a grief memoir has to do. Is learn to let go. And I am simply not reading a grief memoir correctly. But to me what's interesting about the story is that this man acted so badly and that he will never account for it, that he somehow still gets forgiveness and love without any remorse or amends. And that Waite isn't all that interested in what that means and how you deal with it.
February 22, 2024
Well, with a name like The Widow's Guide to Dead Bastards, how could I not read it? Jessica Waite tells the story of becoming a widow and finding out her husband had some very dark secrets. Most importantly, he lied about more things than you can shake a stick at including one confirmed affair and probably more.
The first half of the book is exceptional. The story of finding out about the loss of her husband, telling her young son, and trying to keep her head afloat is told in a straightforward and will make you feel all of Jessica's emotions. She also examines how the people in her life treat her based on their proximity to her deceased husband. There is also a revenge tale which, which Jessica will admit was probably not the most emotionally healthy, but it was a hell of a lot of fun to read. Anyone who has experienced loss and betrayal will understand where she is coming from.
The second half of the book falls apart. In the description of the book, it is not hidden that Jessica starts to wonder about the Great Beyond and she starts a journey to learn more. We should never fault someone for believing what they want about someone who has passed on. The problem with this part of the book is not what Jessica uses to find peace but that it does not pack the emotional charge the book started with. All the chapters are short, but a chapter on an episode with her son Dash just hits much harder than a chapter on a healer who is a stranger to the reader.
Rating memoirs as a reviewer can be thorny. My star rating has nothing to do with Jessica's willingness to open her soul to the reader. Her story itself and her openness in telling it deserves the highest score. However, as a reader, I did not like how she chose to present that story in the second half of the narrative. Unfortunately, it was enough to temper enthusiasm I had from the first half.
(This book was provided as an advance copy by Netgalley and Atria Books.)
The first half of the book is exceptional. The story of finding out about the loss of her husband, telling her young son, and trying to keep her head afloat is told in a straightforward and will make you feel all of Jessica's emotions. She also examines how the people in her life treat her based on their proximity to her deceased husband. There is also a revenge tale which, which Jessica will admit was probably not the most emotionally healthy, but it was a hell of a lot of fun to read. Anyone who has experienced loss and betrayal will understand where she is coming from.
The second half of the book falls apart. In the description of the book, it is not hidden that Jessica starts to wonder about the Great Beyond and she starts a journey to learn more. We should never fault someone for believing what they want about someone who has passed on. The problem with this part of the book is not what Jessica uses to find peace but that it does not pack the emotional charge the book started with. All the chapters are short, but a chapter on an episode with her son Dash just hits much harder than a chapter on a healer who is a stranger to the reader.
Rating memoirs as a reviewer can be thorny. My star rating has nothing to do with Jessica's willingness to open her soul to the reader. Her story itself and her openness in telling it deserves the highest score. However, as a reader, I did not like how she chose to present that story in the second half of the narrative. Unfortunately, it was enough to temper enthusiasm I had from the first half.
(This book was provided as an advance copy by Netgalley and Atria Books.)
January 19, 2024
Yes, I know I have a fixation on death and dying memoirs. I picked this up immediately from Edelweiss, and I have to recommend it wholeheartedly. Waite's life changed one morning when her husband, Sean, dropped dead of a heart attack in the Houston airport (IIRC). Suddenly, she was thrown into grieving and having to figure out funeral plans, unsure of how she would support herself and her son, Dash. Things got worse when she found Sean's stash of pornography, records of cheating and hiring prostitutes, and doing drugs. Waite chronicles her journey from raging anger to introspection, seeking the good inside Sean's memory while also coming to terms with what he'd done. Along the way, Waite finds herself in a way she might not have if he were still around. The book is very sad, but authentic and personal, and Waite is an excellent writer.
February 8, 2024
Seeing a book called “The Widow’s Guide to Dead Bastards” immediately caught my attention, but this surpassed my expectations and is one of my favourite memoirs ever.
It follows the author’s experience of the sudden loss of her husband, and the aftermath that includes discovering he had many secrets.
How do you grieve someone when you’re not sure you ever really knew them?
Jessica’s story is a poignant reflection on love, loss, and grief.
Thank you to Atria Books and NetGalley for providing the ARC in exchange for an honest review of this book.
It follows the author’s experience of the sudden loss of her husband, and the aftermath that includes discovering he had many secrets.
How do you grieve someone when you’re not sure you ever really knew them?
Jessica’s story is a poignant reflection on love, loss, and grief.
Thank you to Atria Books and NetGalley for providing the ARC in exchange for an honest review of this book.
January 31, 2024
In the Widow’s Guide to Dead Bastards, Jessica Waite portrays how she deals with her late husband’s secrets and his passing. In telling her story in its raw, unflinching form, Waite delves into the grief and betrayal and the difficulties of raising a child on your own. This lyrical and touching memoir has compelling appropriation of love, loss, and human spirit perseverance. I enjoyed this immensely, and I highly recommend it!
Thank you to Atria Books and NetGalley for allowing me to read and review this book.
Thank you to Atria Books and NetGalley for allowing me to read and review this book.
October 13, 2025
Typically, I am not drawn to memoirs. I picked this one up for a literary event I attend. The author is from my hometown and she will be the speaker.
Jessica Waite’s husband died suddenly from a massive heart attack. He was only in his 40’s. Sadly after his death, she discovered secrets upon secrets that he had been hiding from her. He had been in a long term affair with one woman, probably an affair with another; his computer was filled with porn; he paid for sex; he took drugs. So whilst mourning his death, she was also in a state of shock and anger. Understandably, so.
This book goes into detail her path forward- how does she reconcile the man she knew to the man she has just discovered. As we learn more about their shared history, we do find out there were issues. Sean probably had undiagnosed mental health problems- he may have been bipolar. She had considered leaving him but always stayed.
Initially I was quite taken by her story but then it veered onto an unexpected path and I must admit, I lost interest. It became a quest for Jessica to reconnect with Sean’s spirit on the other side. It was her way of coping with her grief and coping with the revelations after his death. This book was also an outlet. I am not a believer of airing one’s dirty laundry in public, especially when you have a teenage son. But maybe that’s just me. It is one of the reasons I am not attracted to this type of memoir.
Since the story takes place in my hometown, I did like the references to places I knew. I actually knew about a medium she went to which brought back a past memory.
It’s always hard to rate a memoir as it’s based on someone’s lived experiences. Overall, this is a good book- Her writing style is very good. The subject matter though is not one I would choose to read about.
Published: 2024
Jessica Waite’s husband died suddenly from a massive heart attack. He was only in his 40’s. Sadly after his death, she discovered secrets upon secrets that he had been hiding from her. He had been in a long term affair with one woman, probably an affair with another; his computer was filled with porn; he paid for sex; he took drugs. So whilst mourning his death, she was also in a state of shock and anger. Understandably, so.
This book goes into detail her path forward- how does she reconcile the man she knew to the man she has just discovered. As we learn more about their shared history, we do find out there were issues. Sean probably had undiagnosed mental health problems- he may have been bipolar. She had considered leaving him but always stayed.
Initially I was quite taken by her story but then it veered onto an unexpected path and I must admit, I lost interest. It became a quest for Jessica to reconnect with Sean’s spirit on the other side. It was her way of coping with her grief and coping with the revelations after his death. This book was also an outlet. I am not a believer of airing one’s dirty laundry in public, especially when you have a teenage son. But maybe that’s just me. It is one of the reasons I am not attracted to this type of memoir.
Since the story takes place in my hometown, I did like the references to places I knew. I actually knew about a medium she went to which brought back a past memory.
It’s always hard to rate a memoir as it’s based on someone’s lived experiences. Overall, this is a good book- Her writing style is very good. The subject matter though is not one I would choose to read about.
Published: 2024
January 25, 2024
Started and finished it today and certainly will need to re-read it. Jessica Waite draws us into the woven and frayed fibers of grief and betrayal with stunning honesty. She shares that which are the often unspoken but frequent experiences of humanity, from the headiness of revenge to the inexplicable awe of "pennies from heaven". Jessica's skill as a storyteller is only surpassed by her truth telling.
December 11, 2024
How could I not read a book with this title? I’ve heard Jessica Waite on CBC radio several times this year and I knew immediately that I wanted to read this memoir. Her husband Sean collapsed and died in Houston unexpectedly. That was difficult enough, but she keeps finding more and more aspects of a secret life that she had never guessed Sean was leading: an enormous cache of pornographic material, massive debt from pricey hotels, booze, food, and prostitutes, numerous affairs (some of which were with women that Jessica knew), and drug use. The depth of this betrayal is hard to fathom.
Jessica had to deal with all of this while drowning in grief for the husband she loved while protecting a young son and wondering what or how much to reveal to her husband's family. Grief is an overwhelming thing at the best of times, with stages which repeat themselves until a resolution is reached. I knew from her radio interviews that the author has reached a place of forgiveness on most days. How did she get there? I wanted to know.
Grief is one of the most difficult things that I have ever done, even though I had only tiny regrets and there were no startling revelations. I relate to many of her feelings and experiences despite the fact that I was a young woman who had lost her parents in a motor vehicle accident, not a widow. I felt her shock when she realized that you get compassion until about the six month mark and then you are expected to be back to normal (even though you will never have “normal” ever again). Then you are on your own. I can attest to the truth of that.
Closure is a myth. You must build a new normal. I remember standing by my mother's body and swearing that I would be happy again someday. Thirty years later, I'm pretty content. I admire Ms. Waite's determination to get her life sorted and marvel at the amount of energy that she has devoted to it. It turns out that she lives in my city and I wish I could meet her.
Jessica had to deal with all of this while drowning in grief for the husband she loved while protecting a young son and wondering what or how much to reveal to her husband's family. Grief is an overwhelming thing at the best of times, with stages which repeat themselves until a resolution is reached. I knew from her radio interviews that the author has reached a place of forgiveness on most days. How did she get there? I wanted to know.
Grief is one of the most difficult things that I have ever done, even though I had only tiny regrets and there were no startling revelations. I relate to many of her feelings and experiences despite the fact that I was a young woman who had lost her parents in a motor vehicle accident, not a widow. I felt her shock when she realized that you get compassion until about the six month mark and then you are expected to be back to normal (even though you will never have “normal” ever again). Then you are on your own. I can attest to the truth of that.
Closure is a myth. You must build a new normal. I remember standing by my mother's body and swearing that I would be happy again someday. Thirty years later, I'm pretty content. I admire Ms. Waite's determination to get her life sorted and marvel at the amount of energy that she has devoted to it. It turns out that she lives in my city and I wish I could meet her.
February 25, 2024
4.75 ⭐️
This debut work by Jessica Waite is her grief memoir about her husband of 15 years, as she learns to grapple with his secrets she discovered after the fact. It was complex, humorous, tear jerking, and so interesting. Her writing skills are impeccable, and she has such a unique voice. Her personality shines through, even as she writes about her darkest moments. I truly admire her for just how honest she was about every thought and action she had in the wake of her tragedy.
This debut work by Jessica Waite is her grief memoir about her husband of 15 years, as she learns to grapple with his secrets she discovered after the fact. It was complex, humorous, tear jerking, and so interesting. Her writing skills are impeccable, and she has such a unique voice. Her personality shines through, even as she writes about her darkest moments. I truly admire her for just how honest she was about every thought and action she had in the wake of her tragedy.
January 21, 2025
All memoirs should be like this!
I adored that this unfolded like a fictional story and I had to keep checking to make sure the cover did indeed say "memoir" on it.
The story is so messed up and I hate that the author went through this, but I love that she shared t with the world.
Much love to Simon & Schuster Canada for my ARC.
I adored that this unfolded like a fictional story and I had to keep checking to make sure the cover did indeed say "memoir" on it.
The story is so messed up and I hate that the author went through this, but I love that she shared t with the world.
Much love to Simon & Schuster Canada for my ARC.
January 29, 2024
well done and candid memoir about her husband and reconciling the image she got from him his entire life to the image she discovered after. thanks for the ARC.
August 29, 2024
It was okay. I think the title is misleading. After the prologue which I found laugh-out-loud funny, I was expecting a rollercoaster ride of everything you would expect if you found out your dead husband was a lying, cheating, leacherous, mentally-deranged, good-for-nothing bastard. But sadly, that was not how the story unfolded. Not that I want to judge someone's grief or how they handle the death of a spouse and what life looks like for them, but I feel deflated because I was expecting one thing, and this was quite another. It's also maybe a little unfair that the book I finished just before this was "From Scratch" by Tembi Locke which has a similar premise (young widow mourning her husband), but was executed quite differently. Then of course there is Joan Didion's "The Year of Magical Thinking" which is beyond compare in this genre.
I suppose my other reason for not really liking this book was the narrator, as I listened to the audiobook. I've listened to Cassandra Campbell read other books, and it never bothered me before, but this is a Canadian book by a Canadian author and it refers to Canadian people, places and things. It should be a Canadian reading the book. Maybe most people listening would not hear the small idiosyncratic differences in the accent or the pronunciation of some of the words, but a Canadian will. And as this is a book by a Canadian author, chances are most of this book's audience will be Canadian. It makes a difference.
I suppose my other reason for not really liking this book was the narrator, as I listened to the audiobook. I've listened to Cassandra Campbell read other books, and it never bothered me before, but this is a Canadian book by a Canadian author and it refers to Canadian people, places and things. It should be a Canadian reading the book. Maybe most people listening would not hear the small idiosyncratic differences in the accent or the pronunciation of some of the words, but a Canadian will. And as this is a book by a Canadian author, chances are most of this book's audience will be Canadian. It makes a difference.
October 9, 2024
Like a lot of other reviewers have already said, the first part is great but the second part is more disjointed. Minus an additional star for the author’s judgmental take on psychiatric medications at the end of the book (‘keep your receptors alive’, saying she would maybe have been more functional but wouldn’t have healed as much if she had been prescribed medications). I don’t know why she had to include that when she otherwise seems open to a variety of healing methods. Let people use any/all of the tools available to them without further increasing stigma.
June 27, 2024
Memoirs can be hit-and-miss for me. I’m not a fan of self-aggrandizement, or self-help flavors. But give me a memoir that peels back the layers and looks at life with an unflinching gaze, and I am fully in!
Jessica Waite has unapologetically tackled the realities of losing a life partner, and discovering he was not the person that she believed him to be. She had opportunities to bash her husband, as she discovered infidelity and financial mismanagement. And yet, she doesn’t. Instead, she acknowledges the anger and heartache at every step, while giving her husband the grace he deserved due to his mental health concerns and stress. I appreciated her willingness to share the ugly manifestations of anger, since I think we all want the chance to let people know exactly how they hurt us. But it was when she opened herself to realizing the stresses that her husband had placed on himself, and that she had unwittingly reinforced, that I felt my soul crack just a bit.
I will be recommending this book to coworkers and clients, as we all work together in processing grief in the context of mental health concerns.
Many thanks to the Simon and Schuster Canada and NetGalley for offering me an eARC in exchange for my honest thoughts. I anticipate hearing great things about this book when it publishes on July 25.
Jessica Waite has unapologetically tackled the realities of losing a life partner, and discovering he was not the person that she believed him to be. She had opportunities to bash her husband, as she discovered infidelity and financial mismanagement. And yet, she doesn’t. Instead, she acknowledges the anger and heartache at every step, while giving her husband the grace he deserved due to his mental health concerns and stress. I appreciated her willingness to share the ugly manifestations of anger, since I think we all want the chance to let people know exactly how they hurt us. But it was when she opened herself to realizing the stresses that her husband had placed on himself, and that she had unwittingly reinforced, that I felt my soul crack just a bit.
I will be recommending this book to coworkers and clients, as we all work together in processing grief in the context of mental health concerns.
Many thanks to the Simon and Schuster Canada and NetGalley for offering me an eARC in exchange for my honest thoughts. I anticipate hearing great things about this book when it publishes on July 25.
March 3, 2024
I flat-out loved this book! The title had me curious and I really had no idea what to expect. From the first page, I couldn't put it down. It was full of not just great storytelling - funny, poignant, real, but also had so much wisdom to share. Waite bravely bares her heart and soul, and any reader is going to root for her. Her love story, her heartbreak, her mothering, the struggle of extended family, and the vulnerability of sharing a story that hugs so close to the bone will resonate widely. Her story is incredibly unique and at the same time could be any of ours. I can't wait to read more from this author. I've already begun recommending it everywhere.
July 23, 2024
In this memoir, Jessica navigates the devastating aftermath of her husband’s unexpected passing. Amidst grief and mourning, she stumbles upon a series of revelations that shatters her perception of their life together.
As I was reading this and things unfolded, I was shocked. Then I remembered this isn’t fiction it’s a memoir! Jessica’s resilience and sorrow is relatable. I cannot fathom what this brilliant woman has been through, but I give her all my respect.
This book explores the themes of love, loss, resilience, betrayal and family.
Thank you to Simon and Schuster Canada and NetGalley for this gifted book through the Influencer Program!
As I was reading this and things unfolded, I was shocked. Then I remembered this isn’t fiction it’s a memoir! Jessica’s resilience and sorrow is relatable. I cannot fathom what this brilliant woman has been through, but I give her all my respect.
This book explores the themes of love, loss, resilience, betrayal and family.
Thank you to Simon and Schuster Canada and NetGalley for this gifted book through the Influencer Program!
October 18, 2024
Basically a mirror. If I fell over and died right now - what would the world say about me? This book is a how-to on what a husband should and SHOULDN’T do. The dead bastard smoked a lot of weed, was addicted to porn, and cheated on his profusely. Obviously some of those vices are MUCH worse than the others, but what really scared and scarred me was the mood swings and violent outbursts. I strive to be much better than that while simultaneously being guilty of my own transgressions and shortcomings. Our dead bastard wasn’t a total POS, it’s his positive qualities I seek to emulate.
Read
October 30, 2024I like to go into books knowing as little as possible about them. All I knew about this one was that it was a memoir with a catchy title. Therefore I was so surprised to discover most of the book takes place where I live and therefore many of the locations are familiar to me. Jess learns her 47 year old husband suddenly passes away on a work trip. That in itself is shocking but the more Jess digs into personal aspects such as banking info, website views etc she is stunned to find he was living a secret life. It turns out Sean had a massive porn addiction and had been having affairs. She had suspected one affair but all of the rest of this was nothing that she anticipated. Sean also was bipolar but was on no medication which definitely contributed to some of his erratic behaviour. Jess was grieving while dealing with all of these different sides of Sean and trying to help their young son with his grief. The first half of the book is uncovering everything around Sean’s life and the second half is Jess trying to find ways to move past the grief and hurt. Many of the grief therapies she seeks out are unconventional but everyone deals with grief and coping in their own way. I admired Jess for trying to move forward with respect and love for Sean with everything she now knew. This was definitely a compelling memoir.
May 29, 2024
Thank you to NetGalley for an ARC of
The Widow's Guide to Dead Bastards.
First, great cover.
Second, the eye-catching title is what made me request an ARC...I thought it was a novel!
Still, I'm glad my request was approved because this was a thoughtful and honest read.
Sometimes truth is worse than fiction.
** Minor heartbreaking spoilers ahead **
When the author's husband dies of a sudden heart attack on a business trip, her sorrow turns to rage and disbelief when she discovers the secrets her husband has been hiding all these years.
And what she finds isn't pretty.
The author describes her journey of self discovery; accepting the good and flawed parts of her husband, and developing her own ways on how to move on with her life.
With the help and support of family and friends, new and old, she gets out of her comfort zone and explores various avenues of dealing with her grief; psychics and smudging; joins self help groups and makes friends, tries dating again (soooo not easy at any age!) and unearths newfound independence, individuality and resilience.
Her relationship with her son improves and she comes to terms with her own troubled childhood and past trauma, her mortality and how the universe is a big, amazing thing with many hidden mysteries, but in a good way.
As the days turn into weeks then months, the author experiences a myriad of emotions, including discovering society treats widowhood far better than being a divorcee.
But a widow is subject to certain prejudices and biases widowers don't receive, no surprise there.
But to the author, it was a shock.
The author realizes her life and identity revolved being a wife, Sean's wife, and his death made her acknowledge she is a person with a separate identity that doesn't include being a wife and mother.
Do we really ever know a person, much less a spouse despite how long you've been married?
When a woman gets married, what do they lose?
My favorite part is when gets back at her husband's mistress. Subtle but amusing.
This is a good read for anyone who has lost someone, not just a spouse, and know you're not alone.
First, great cover.
Second, the eye-catching title is what made me request an ARC...I thought it was a novel!
Still, I'm glad my request was approved because this was a thoughtful and honest read.
Sometimes truth is worse than fiction.
** Minor heartbreaking spoilers ahead **
When the author's husband dies of a sudden heart attack on a business trip, her sorrow turns to rage and disbelief when she discovers the secrets her husband has been hiding all these years.
And what she finds isn't pretty.
The author describes her journey of self discovery; accepting the good and flawed parts of her husband, and developing her own ways on how to move on with her life.
With the help and support of family and friends, new and old, she gets out of her comfort zone and explores various avenues of dealing with her grief; psychics and smudging; joins self help groups and makes friends, tries dating again (soooo not easy at any age!) and unearths newfound independence, individuality and resilience.
Her relationship with her son improves and she comes to terms with her own troubled childhood and past trauma, her mortality and how the universe is a big, amazing thing with many hidden mysteries, but in a good way.
As the days turn into weeks then months, the author experiences a myriad of emotions, including discovering society treats widowhood far better than being a divorcee.
But a widow is subject to certain prejudices and biases widowers don't receive, no surprise there.
But to the author, it was a shock.
The author realizes her life and identity revolved being a wife, Sean's wife, and his death made her acknowledge she is a person with a separate identity that doesn't include being a wife and mother.
Do we really ever know a person, much less a spouse despite how long you've been married?
When a woman gets married, what do they lose?
My favorite part is when gets back at her husband's mistress. Subtle but amusing.
This is a good read for anyone who has lost someone, not just a spouse, and know you're not alone.
October 4, 2024
The Widow’s Guide to Dead Bastards by Jessica Waite is not a scintillating. Tell all memoir about a dead husbands’ uncovered lies, affairs, debt, and pornography addiction- it’s a story of healing and overcoming loss and finding yourself again after being buried in a relationship.
Yes, Jessica’s memoir does contain all the scintillating details about her husband Purdy while he was alive that she covers after his passing, but she focusses on her and her son’s journey forward.
I found it absolutely fascinating how through all the range of emotions such a loss and discovery can create, Jessica explores different routes to find solace relief, and in the end, spirituality and mysticism becomes a great comfort.
I came into this book, thinking it would be one thing and was surprised and pleased at what it turned into. Jessica may not have turned her lemons to lemonade, but she definitely took this loss and was able to become something more in the end.
As someone who doesn’t read a lot of grief memoirs, this was a fascinating and eye-opening look to the realities of loss and moving on.
Yes, Jessica’s memoir does contain all the scintillating details about her husband Purdy while he was alive that she covers after his passing, but she focusses on her and her son’s journey forward.
I found it absolutely fascinating how through all the range of emotions such a loss and discovery can create, Jessica explores different routes to find solace relief, and in the end, spirituality and mysticism becomes a great comfort.
I came into this book, thinking it would be one thing and was surprised and pleased at what it turned into. Jessica may not have turned her lemons to lemonade, but she definitely took this loss and was able to become something more in the end.
As someone who doesn’t read a lot of grief memoirs, this was a fascinating and eye-opening look to the realities of loss and moving on.
November 11, 2024
I'll echo numerous other reviewers who found the first half of this memoir poignant and nuanced, the second half meandering and disjointed, and the afterward very WTF-y and questioning the whole title and purpose of the book.
Further reading: people grappling to redefine their concept of their late loved ones after posthumous revelations
The Less People Know About Us: A Mystery of Betrayal, Family Secrets, and Stolen Identity by Axton Betz-Hamilton
Inheritance: A Memoir of Genealogy, Paternity, and Love by Dani Shapiro
Unearthing by Kyo Maclear
My statistics:
Book 273 for 2024
Book 1876 cumulatively
Further reading: people grappling to redefine their concept of their late loved ones after posthumous revelations
The Less People Know About Us: A Mystery of Betrayal, Family Secrets, and Stolen Identity by Axton Betz-Hamilton
Inheritance: A Memoir of Genealogy, Paternity, and Love by Dani Shapiro
Unearthing by Kyo Maclear
My statistics:
Book 273 for 2024
Book 1876 cumulatively
June 27, 2025
Rating: 🧇🧇🧇/5
This is one of those buys where I bought it just cause of the title and didn't bother reading the plot. Finally read the plot and I was like "Oh! Hard topic. Memoir. Leggo!" First part - I was entranced. I was captivated. The discussion of grief was handled well. The writing was fantastic. It was on its way on being a 5🧇. Then the second part - it read like it was written by a different author. The jump from different topics were distracting and I feel like it lost the plot. I hate rating memoirs lower than 4.5 but the second part really lost me. Also, just thinking about it, it's weird reading this like I shouldn't be privy to their lives for some reason. Was just uncomfortable.
This is one of those buys where I bought it just cause of the title and didn't bother reading the plot. Finally read the plot and I was like "Oh! Hard topic. Memoir. Leggo!" First part - I was entranced. I was captivated. The discussion of grief was handled well. The writing was fantastic. It was on its way on being a 5🧇. Then the second part - it read like it was written by a different author. The jump from different topics were distracting and I feel like it lost the plot. I hate rating memoirs lower than 4.5 but the second part really lost me. Also, just thinking about it, it's weird reading this like I shouldn't be privy to their lives for some reason. Was just uncomfortable.
August 21, 2024
Listened to the audiobook.
This was sweet but a little boring SORRY
This was sweet but a little boring SORRY
August 10, 2024
It had some moments, but overall, just too much about grief. Except for confronting her husband's mistress, the author lacks rage against her deceased spouse. The title does spell out he was a BASTARD. She wallows in therapy for years. Very disappointed that she gave him so much of her mental space. So as far as this being a guide to other widows I strongly don't advise.
November 8, 2024
0 Stars
Don't. Just don't.
I intended to DNF this book but decided not to and I wish I listened to myself.
However if you must keep in mind:
Written by a white, wealthy, racist, bitter, narcissistic housewife widow of a man who was a giant shit whistle of a husband.
This whole book is a complete trainwreck of "crying woe is me" but did capture the accuracy of a person who made the unfortunate decision to date/marry the mediocre cis/het/white guy from Calgary who,like them all, had a "ball and chain" wife complete with the standard looooong string of office/work romances, a long term affair, sex workers- which the author knew about, suspected for some but none were a surprise. Then the author hints at a drug problem which doesn't seem like one, just a cannabis stash before it was legal, like every other person.
The author goes on this racist rant about sex workers part way through the book which is horrific.
Most of this book is essentially the worst gossip/tell all of revenge, shock and awe, and vindictiveness towards her dead husband and the woman he mainly cheats on her with. Spilling their intimate moments and his secrets all the way down to him being sexually assaulted by an adult when he was a child.
Around 200 pages in the whole book and tone switches to her healing journey, going to Widow Camp, getting rejected from Uni, and then taking an Elizabeth Gilbert writing class and then humble brags about eating at a table near Elizabeth Gilbert. The author goes to psychics and describes a lot of healing rituals she partakes in which she can afford now because her kid stopped going to private school. The tone changes at the 200 page mark from bitter enraged wife who had 20 years of being cheated on, abused and treated like garbage to "I'm healed and a bigger person" now, felt very much like trying to convince the reader that they're a better person. (She's not the acknowledgements are horrific. Yes, I used this word twice)
Everything about this book was creepy and invasive on everyone's lives involved. The fact that even the acknowledgements made me cringe.
I feel dirty and creepy in the worst ways after reading this book, I need a shower.
I don't know if I've read a book as vile as this trash steamer
Don't. Just don't.
I intended to DNF this book but decided not to and I wish I listened to myself.
However if you must keep in mind:
Written by a white, wealthy, racist, bitter, narcissistic housewife widow of a man who was a giant shit whistle of a husband.
This whole book is a complete trainwreck of "crying woe is me" but did capture the accuracy of a person who made the unfortunate decision to date/marry the mediocre cis/het/white guy from Calgary who,like them all, had a "ball and chain" wife complete with the standard looooong string of office/work romances, a long term affair, sex workers- which the author knew about, suspected for some but none were a surprise. Then the author hints at a drug problem which doesn't seem like one, just a cannabis stash before it was legal, like every other person.
The author goes on this racist rant about sex workers part way through the book which is horrific.
Most of this book is essentially the worst gossip/tell all of revenge, shock and awe, and vindictiveness towards her dead husband and the woman he mainly cheats on her with. Spilling their intimate moments and his secrets all the way down to him being sexually assaulted by an adult when he was a child.
Around 200 pages in the whole book and tone switches to her healing journey, going to Widow Camp, getting rejected from Uni, and then taking an Elizabeth Gilbert writing class and then humble brags about eating at a table near Elizabeth Gilbert. The author goes to psychics and describes a lot of healing rituals she partakes in which she can afford now because her kid stopped going to private school. The tone changes at the 200 page mark from bitter enraged wife who had 20 years of being cheated on, abused and treated like garbage to "I'm healed and a bigger person" now, felt very much like trying to convince the reader that they're a better person. (She's not the acknowledgements are horrific. Yes, I used this word twice)
Everything about this book was creepy and invasive on everyone's lives involved. The fact that even the acknowledgements made me cringe.
I feel dirty and creepy in the worst ways after reading this book, I need a shower.
I don't know if I've read a book as vile as this trash steamer
January 17, 2025
I listened to this as an audio book and I just expected more. While the beginning of the memoir is interesting, Waite begins to spiral pretty hard and do things that are understandable when under extreme duress, but generally make me feel as though she would’ve done better to be medicated a bit as opposed to spiraling into essentially 19th century spiritualism. But that’s just my opinion. The first half of the book was way better than the second, and I’m only giving two stars because I was expecting better and it kept getting worse.
For someone who spent a large section of the book saying that Shawn would’ve benefitted from medication and therapy and possibly a formal diagnosis, you sure didn’t want that for yourself huh.
Eating your husband’s ashes and making racist remarks about prostitutes in other countries is wild.
Sorry for you marrying a short bald man. Couldn’t be me.
For someone who spent a large section of the book saying that Shawn would’ve benefitted from medication and therapy and possibly a formal diagnosis, you sure didn’t want that for yourself huh.
Eating your husband’s ashes and making racist remarks about prostitutes in other countries is wild.
Sorry for you marrying a short bald man. Couldn’t be me.
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
July 16, 2024
This book is an absolute must-read! Right from the startling first page, it pulls you into a deep, honest exploration of grief, betrayal, and starting over. It makes you think about how well you know the people closest to you and emphasizes that we can all develop resilience.
The author writes in a way that’s both engaging and straightforward, sharing her raw emotions as she navigates the aftermath of her husband's death and the secrets he left behind. These aren’t just plot twists—they're real challenges that force her to rethink her future and how to rebuild her life.
This book will resonate with anyone who's faced life’s tougher moments. It’s a reminder that no matter how dark things seem, there’s always a path to healing and a fresh start.
The author writes in a way that’s both engaging and straightforward, sharing her raw emotions as she navigates the aftermath of her husband's death and the secrets he left behind. These aren’t just plot twists—they're real challenges that force her to rethink her future and how to rebuild her life.
This book will resonate with anyone who's faced life’s tougher moments. It’s a reminder that no matter how dark things seem, there’s always a path to healing and a fresh start.
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