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167 pages, Paperback
First published January 1, 1963
My story starts one night last year. It didn’t seem a night different from any other. We are carried to the grave on a stream of dead days and nights. We live them and forget them. Yet who knows on which dead day or night a terrible change can come into a life? A disease starts. The seeds of a crisis, a disaster, a great joy, are sown. At the time we are aware of nothing.
What the hell do they know? – the punters who come to the tracks or pop into the betting shops for a giggle? Or the professionals who keep it all on a debit and credit basis? None of them knows what a gambler is. The gambler is the one who goes on with no peace, no release, till he has annihilated himself. I am a gambler.
My chest was full of that tight, hysterical strain of hope, but underneath it was a deep, deep, sickening pit of darkness, the knowledge of destruction. I stood in that shabby crowd against the counters, in thick cigarette smoke, and the unemotional voice on the loud-speaker taunted me.
I sighed. 'I don't know where to start telling you,' I said. 'Look, I have a friend, he is a walking encyclopaedia about dogs. He can tell you the result of every race for the last five years. I heard him the other night at the track, for a half-dollar bet, name the sire and dam of every dog running that night-forty-eight dogs. That man is a gambler. And he is broke. Broke. What do you people think a track is? An orchard with money growing on the trees? My God, you think you're the only one. I see crowds of you pouring down the hill at Harringay, pushing past the turnstiles, all you silly greedy faces. Millions of you. You buy a newspaper and you think you know. For God's sake, a gambler spends his whole day studying form. All day he talks to other gamblers before he makes up his mind. He has been doing this for anything up to thirty years. He bets every way up you can imagine, forecasts, reverse forecasts, place bets, combin-ations, he uses one bet to guarantee him against another, he bets on the dogs and the horses, he bets doubles, trebles, accumulators, he can put on If Cash, Any to Come, Up and Down, Round the Clock, Rounders, Roundabouts, Round Robins, he can bet on owners, he can bet on trainers, he can bet on jockeys, he studies pedigree, he invents systems a professor wouldn't understand. And he still loses. For crying out loud, man, am I making you hear me? He still loses.' For a moment I lost my breath. 'So you, you greenhorn, you babe in arms, you poor innocent nit, you think you can just walk in and win?'
[180–1]
Harry is detached, an observer. He’s damaged; compensating for events in his own past which have left him with a nagging sense of loss. He lives in an amnesias daze, a willed forgetting: existential burn-out in the shadow of the Holocaust. Nothing to be done and he’s doing it on a daily basis. He has his analgesic rituals; the heavy lunch, long afternoons reading and dozing on the bed, the prostitute, the good cigar. Gambling is risk, inevitable loss. Necessary punishment. It is his only connection to the life of the city, the mob. The rigorous scholarship with which Harryboy chases his fancies, three-legged dogs and hobbled nags, is religious. He is a righteous man studying the Torah of Tote. Temporary wealth, the wad that spoils the hang of a good suit, must be rapidly dispersed, recycled; converted into secondhand literature. Conspicuous charity, hits of sensual pleasure, return Harryboy to the Zen calm of having nothing, no possessions, no attachments, no unfulfilled ambitions.
I sighed. ‘I don’t know where to start telling you, I said. ‘Look, I have a friend, he is a walking encyclopaedia about dogs. He can tell you the result of every race for the last five years. I heard him the other night at the track, for a half-dollar bet, name the sire and dam of every dog running that night – forty-eight dogs. The man is a gambler. And he is broke. Broke. What do you people think a track is? An orchard with money growing on the trees? My God, you think you’re the only one. I see crowds of you pouring down the hill at Harringay, pushing past the turnstiles, all you silly greedy faces. Millions of you. You buy a newspaper and you think you know. For God’s sake, a gambler spends his whole day studying form. All day he talks to other gamblers before he makes up his mind. He has been doing this for anything up to thirty years. He bets every way up you can imagine, forecasts, reverse forecasts, place bets, combinations, he uses one bet to guarantee him against another, he bets on the dogs and the horses, he bets doubles, trebles, accumulators, he can put on If Cash, Any to Come, Up and Down, Round the Clock, Rounders, Roundabouts, Round Robins, he can bet on owners, he can bet on trainers, he can bet on jockeys, he studies pedigree, he invents systems a professor wouldn’t understand. And he still loses. For crying out loud, man, am I making you hear me? He still loses.’ For a moment I lost my breath. ‘So you, you greenhorn, you babe in arms, you poor innocent nit, you think you can just walk in and win?’
I went into tailoring when I was fifteen. My father, God rest his soul, was a cigarette-maker. He had a weak chest and he worked at home. He was at his table day and night. For what they paid him he had to work day and night. Coughing. Me he wanted to be a scholar. The Almighty only knows what dreams my father had for me. Only now when he is dead do I feel sorrow for the disappointment I must have caused him, which he never showed. Never did he have reproach for me. I won a scholarship when I was ten. I was a clever kid. A good Hebrew scholar, too. So I went to a high school. The family intellectual. They used to read my essays out to the other boys. Ten out of ten for composition. The kicks I got from putting words on paper! And books, I gobbled books like peanuts. How I didn’t wear my eyes away I don’t know. But a lowlife is a lowlife. I was losing money on cards at fourteen, and going with my palls to shilling whores. Money I needed, for cigarettes and women and pride in my pocket. I left school when I was fifteen and got a job in the tailoring.
A gambler’s day goes pleasantly enough. He gets up late, and before he cleans his teeth – if he is as hygienic as all that – he reads the Greyhound Express. His first call is at the barber’s, where a long session is as much devoted to business – discussing the afternoon’s race-cards with the boys, telling them how he got on last night and hearing their stories – as to the pleasure of lying under hot towels. The rest of his day consists of a pleasant mooch from one listening post to another. These, the places where he can pick up information, include the restaurant or nosh bar where he has his lunch, and also a number of favourite street corners, billiard halls and betting shops along the three-and-a-half miles from Stamford Hill to Aldgate, where the fraternity of the doggies and ponies gather, the fellows who block the pavements in groups that cluster around open newspapers, fellows with close-shaved cheeks shining from the barber’s razors, spotless belted raincoats or glovetight black overcoats, good suits, bright ties, smart fresh shirt-collars and sporty trilbies that all look brand new. A good life, if you’re not one of the goomps who think there is some virtue in hard work.
‘Maybe it is something personal that eats me—Maybe everybody should feel guilty that we live in a time when millions of children have been done to death, and it is just my bad luck that because of an incident in my life, I cannot forget like others do. You can forget a million children. You cannot forget one child.
I made excuses for myself. I said I had only done small acts of wrong, the kind everybody does. But the smallest acts, even of thoughtlessness, lead to the greatest of evils. It is the old, universal human excuse, ‘I never meant any harm.’ Perhaps when the species is no more, all the armies of human souls will wail that one excuse in front of the throne of the Almighty, ‘We never meant any harm.’’
‘—you should never give up hope before the dogs have crossed the finishing-line.’