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Girl at the End of the World #1
Girl at the End of the World: My Escape from Fundamentalism in Search of Faith with a Future
I was raised in a homegrown, fundamentalist Christian group—which is just a shorthand way of saying I’m classically trained in apocalyptic stockpiling, street preaching, and the King James Version of the Bible. I know hundreds of obscure nineteenth-century hymns by heart and have such razor sharp “modesty vision” that I can spot a miniskirt a mile away.Verily, verily I say unto thee, none of these highly specialized skills ever got me a job, but at least I’m all set for the end of the world. Selah. A story of mind control, the Apocalypse, and modest attire.Elizabeth Esther grew up in love with Jesus but in fear of daily spankings (to “break her will”). Trained in her family-run church to confess sins real and imagined, she knew her parents loved her and God probably hated her. Not until she was grown and married did she find the courage to attempt the unthinkable. To leave.
In her memoir, readers will recognize questions every believer When is spiritual zeal a gift, and when is it a trap? What happens when a pastor holds unchecked sway over his followers? And how can we leave behind the harm inflicted in the name of God without losing God in the process?
By turns hilarious and heartbreaking, Girl at the End of the World is a story of the lingering effects of spiritual abuse and the growing hope that God can still be good when His people fail.
Includes reading group discussion guide and interview with the author
In her memoir, readers will recognize questions every believer When is spiritual zeal a gift, and when is it a trap? What happens when a pastor holds unchecked sway over his followers? And how can we leave behind the harm inflicted in the name of God without losing God in the process?
By turns hilarious and heartbreaking, Girl at the End of the World is a story of the lingering effects of spiritual abuse and the growing hope that God can still be good when His people fail.
Includes reading group discussion guide and interview with the author
226 pages, Kindle Edition
First published March 18, 2014
106 people are currently reading
4526 people want to read
About the author
Elizabeth Esther
3 books74 followersElizabeth Esther is the author of "Girl at The End of the World: my escape from fundamentalism in search of faith with a future." A longtime, award-winning blogger, Elizabeth's other articles have appeared in TIME, Christianity Today, Religion News Service, Mothering Magazine, OC Family and The Orange County Register. Elizabeth is a mother of five and lives in Southern California with her family.
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 280 reviews
June 10, 2014
In the interest of full disclosure, I grew up Pentecostal Holiness ~ meaning that I grew up sharing some of the same beliefs as Elizabeth Esther {minus the baby spanking and communal living}...
Honestly, I'm not sure what I think of this book. My heart aches for Elizabeth Esther and all that she went through. And it breaks my heart that there are preachers who manipulate God's word in such a way that it has caused her and others like her so much mental, emotional, and spiritual trauma.
I can tell you that this book is not for anyone who is questioning their faith or has issues with "organized religion". This book will only confirm those beliefs...
As someone who had to find her own way back to God, let me advise you to read the bible for yourself, find a church that teaches from the bible, and if the leadership attempts to exert too much control over your life, LEAVE IMMEDIATELY.
Salvation is a gift, Ephesians 2:8 {NIV} says:
For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith ~ and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God ~
The reason for God's gift is given in John 3:16 {NIV}, which says:
For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.
God loves you, it's as simple as that.
Note: This book includes triggers and some strong language.
Honestly, I'm not sure what I think of this book. My heart aches for Elizabeth Esther and all that she went through. And it breaks my heart that there are preachers who manipulate God's word in such a way that it has caused her and others like her so much mental, emotional, and spiritual trauma.
I can tell you that this book is not for anyone who is questioning their faith or has issues with "organized religion". This book will only confirm those beliefs...
As someone who had to find her own way back to God, let me advise you to read the bible for yourself, find a church that teaches from the bible, and if the leadership attempts to exert too much control over your life, LEAVE IMMEDIATELY.
Salvation is a gift, Ephesians 2:8 {NIV} says:
For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith ~ and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God ~
The reason for God's gift is given in John 3:16 {NIV}, which says:
For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.
God loves you, it's as simple as that.
Note: This book includes triggers and some strong language.
March 2, 2014
I receive many good books in my work at FaithVillage, but I don't always have time to read the ones I'm interested in. Elizabeth Esther's Girl at the End of the World: My Escape from Fundamentalism in Search of Faith with a Future crossed my desk not three days ago.
During a lull at work (a 30-minute system update on my Mac), I opened Esther's book and began reading, not expecting to be simultaneously enthralled by her writing and terrified by her experiences. I finished the book in short order over the next few days. It's that good. And, somewhat surprisingly given the intensity of her topic, Esther's approach includes much needed humor that had me legitimately laughing out loud.
Rare is the book that elicits an emotional response from me, but I found myself yelling at her family members and fellow church members for doing what they did and allowing to happen what transpired. (You'll have to read the book to know what I mean.)
It's disheartening to know that such religious abuse still happens, but it's encouraging that Esther was able to heal fully enough to share her story with such courage and candor. Even though she covers her childhood through having children of her own, Esther's writing is brisk, saying exactly what needs to be said to convey precisely what happened to her, as well as her inner response to seemingly impossible situations.
Stories like the ones Esther shares show both the worst of what we're capable of accomplishing "in God's name" as well as the hope that endures, and even triumphs, when man-made religion disintegrates in light of grace and forgiveness.
During a lull at work (a 30-minute system update on my Mac), I opened Esther's book and began reading, not expecting to be simultaneously enthralled by her writing and terrified by her experiences. I finished the book in short order over the next few days. It's that good. And, somewhat surprisingly given the intensity of her topic, Esther's approach includes much needed humor that had me legitimately laughing out loud.
Rare is the book that elicits an emotional response from me, but I found myself yelling at her family members and fellow church members for doing what they did and allowing to happen what transpired. (You'll have to read the book to know what I mean.)
It's disheartening to know that such religious abuse still happens, but it's encouraging that Esther was able to heal fully enough to share her story with such courage and candor. Even though she covers her childhood through having children of her own, Esther's writing is brisk, saying exactly what needs to be said to convey precisely what happened to her, as well as her inner response to seemingly impossible situations.
Stories like the ones Esther shares show both the worst of what we're capable of accomplishing "in God's name" as well as the hope that endures, and even triumphs, when man-made religion disintegrates in light of grace and forgiveness.
March 23, 2014
Memoirs about crazy religious upbringings are usually my favorite kind, and there was no shortage of crazy in Elizabeth Esther's violent, patriarchal, fundamentalist childhood, but this memoir felt more like cobbled together journal entries than a complete, polished book. And I admit, I was disappointed to see her throw off the shackles of her former church, the Assembly, and head straight for the comforting embrace of another organized religion. I suppose, when one has lived every moment of one's formative years by the book (the Good Book, in Esther's case), it is extremely difficult to be without the sort of guiding principles & moral framework that religion can provide.
March 18, 2014
"Girl At the End of the World" arrived on my Kindle at 12:04am on March 18th, 2014. By 2:00pm, I had finished the entire book, and was sitting on my couch sobbing. I'm still not sure if these were tears of grief or tears of redemption. I'm starting to believe that they were both.
Elizabeth Esther tells the story of her life growing up in The Assembly, a "church" in name, a cult in reality. She tells stories of abuse and brainwashing, of confusion and heartache, of backwards thinking that had her so turned around that she barely knew how to function when she did finally escape. She talks about love and forgiveness, about her escape from fundamentalism and her connection with the God of Grace. She lived at the ever-changing End of the World, and still, God met her. She tells of how she met the Holy Mother of God, how she found the Catholic Church, and how Mary and Jesus worked together to save her life and breathe healing into her bones.
She tells a brave story. A wild story. She weaves truth so vividly that I was often reduced to weeping over the sheer agony of it all. She depicts life within a cult with such depth and clear language that one is left sitting with the words and basking in the healing of the Most High God.
Everyone should read this book. Everyone.
Elizabeth Esther tells the story of her life growing up in The Assembly, a "church" in name, a cult in reality. She tells stories of abuse and brainwashing, of confusion and heartache, of backwards thinking that had her so turned around that she barely knew how to function when she did finally escape. She talks about love and forgiveness, about her escape from fundamentalism and her connection with the God of Grace. She lived at the ever-changing End of the World, and still, God met her. She tells of how she met the Holy Mother of God, how she found the Catholic Church, and how Mary and Jesus worked together to save her life and breathe healing into her bones.
She tells a brave story. A wild story. She weaves truth so vividly that I was often reduced to weeping over the sheer agony of it all. She depicts life within a cult with such depth and clear language that one is left sitting with the words and basking in the healing of the Most High God.
Everyone should read this book. Everyone.
January 4, 2023
The author is the grand-daughter of George Geftakys, the leader of a cult called The Assembly based in Fullerton, CA. I was raised in this group and knew the author (who is about 9 years younger than me) when she was a kid. Now she is an adult, a mom, a blogger, and a really great writer. Here is a note I wrote to her right after reading her book (Feb 2017):
Today I read your book, Girl at the End of the World, and I want to let you know how thankful I am that you wrote it. After I left [The Assembly] in 1989 I determined to put all of that behind me and start fresh. But I put all of that in a box and stored it way in the dark basement of mind. I left mostly for doctrinal reasons. I came to the realization that George's doctrine was just flat out false. I saw that his whole teaching on the inheritance as a special level of heaven for the overcomers was not right and that it ended up being essentially a teaching of salvation by works, a denial of grace. But I was so focused on the doctrine that I did not understand the psychological control, shaming, and soul-damage. It was all dressed up in nice Bible verses and pious talk, but at its core it was evil. The thing that helped me about your book was the way you absolutely nailed the psycho-religious abuse. I think, honestly, over the years, I kind of downplayed the extent to which the Assembly was a "cult." I had no problem calling it a cult, but I still wasn't really seeing (or letting myself feel) the terrible abuse that they (especially your grandma Betty) engaged in. Reading the parts where you were being put through the ringer when you were being "rebellious" was really eye-opening and heart-breaking. The time when your mom and dad confronted you (ch. 11). The time when Betty had you and your husband kneeling on chairs to repent in complete brokenness (ch. 15).
The hurt is so deep. I experienced the same torture sessions. I had some with my mom, some with your grandma when I lived in her house during the summer. Later, in my college years, and I started asking questions and thinking for myself, I got slammed real hard against the Assembly wall. What I didn't realize was how the shame and the guilt was still there deep inside, and that all these years I had suppressed this crap, not wanting to dwell on it. I just wanted to forget and move forward, but it is there, hiding in the shadows, even when I thought it was in the past. Here it is 28 years later, I'm 49 years old, and for the first time I'm going back over these things and trying to process them. Just a couple of weeks ago I had reached a point where I was beginning to open that black box and take a peek inside. I started reading some of the stories on the Geftakys Assembly website. (I knew my mom had been running it for the past decade or so, but I never had the courage to read the horrific stories. I just couldn't.) As part of this process I decided to read your book and I'm so glad I did. You are such a good writer and you articulate things so well, capturing exactly what it felt like. Your description of Assembly culture was spot on. I could even identify some of the people whose names you had changed!
I am so thankful that you dug deep into your soul and wrote that book. I read at the interview at the end how emotionally draining it was for you to relive all of those awful experiences you went through growing up in the Assembly. It is hard to relive the raw emotions. It is also hard to put those emotions into words and to really explain why the Assembly was so abusive and damaging at such a deep level. But you did it. You explained it so well, and it brings clarity to my own experience as I try to analyze it. I see myself in your story in so many ways--the college years, the attempts to leave, the coming back and trying to submit, and the final confrontation with your grandparents (I had that one with your grandpa in his study, where he shamed me and said, "I know your kind; the smart kid who reads books and thinks they know philosophy and theology; you're a dime a dozen"). Your gut wrenching honesty is tremendously healing for me, because you so clearly identified the evil system for what it was and how it was able to get under your skin at such a deep level.
Today I read your book, Girl at the End of the World, and I want to let you know how thankful I am that you wrote it. After I left [The Assembly] in 1989 I determined to put all of that behind me and start fresh. But I put all of that in a box and stored it way in the dark basement of mind. I left mostly for doctrinal reasons. I came to the realization that George's doctrine was just flat out false. I saw that his whole teaching on the inheritance as a special level of heaven for the overcomers was not right and that it ended up being essentially a teaching of salvation by works, a denial of grace. But I was so focused on the doctrine that I did not understand the psychological control, shaming, and soul-damage. It was all dressed up in nice Bible verses and pious talk, but at its core it was evil. The thing that helped me about your book was the way you absolutely nailed the psycho-religious abuse. I think, honestly, over the years, I kind of downplayed the extent to which the Assembly was a "cult." I had no problem calling it a cult, but I still wasn't really seeing (or letting myself feel) the terrible abuse that they (especially your grandma Betty) engaged in. Reading the parts where you were being put through the ringer when you were being "rebellious" was really eye-opening and heart-breaking. The time when your mom and dad confronted you (ch. 11). The time when Betty had you and your husband kneeling on chairs to repent in complete brokenness (ch. 15).
The hurt is so deep. I experienced the same torture sessions. I had some with my mom, some with your grandma when I lived in her house during the summer. Later, in my college years, and I started asking questions and thinking for myself, I got slammed real hard against the Assembly wall. What I didn't realize was how the shame and the guilt was still there deep inside, and that all these years I had suppressed this crap, not wanting to dwell on it. I just wanted to forget and move forward, but it is there, hiding in the shadows, even when I thought it was in the past. Here it is 28 years later, I'm 49 years old, and for the first time I'm going back over these things and trying to process them. Just a couple of weeks ago I had reached a point where I was beginning to open that black box and take a peek inside. I started reading some of the stories on the Geftakys Assembly website. (I knew my mom had been running it for the past decade or so, but I never had the courage to read the horrific stories. I just couldn't.) As part of this process I decided to read your book and I'm so glad I did. You are such a good writer and you articulate things so well, capturing exactly what it felt like. Your description of Assembly culture was spot on. I could even identify some of the people whose names you had changed!
I am so thankful that you dug deep into your soul and wrote that book. I read at the interview at the end how emotionally draining it was for you to relive all of those awful experiences you went through growing up in the Assembly. It is hard to relive the raw emotions. It is also hard to put those emotions into words and to really explain why the Assembly was so abusive and damaging at such a deep level. But you did it. You explained it so well, and it brings clarity to my own experience as I try to analyze it. I see myself in your story in so many ways--the college years, the attempts to leave, the coming back and trying to submit, and the final confrontation with your grandparents (I had that one with your grandpa in his study, where he shamed me and said, "I know your kind; the smart kid who reads books and thinks they know philosophy and theology; you're a dime a dozen"). Your gut wrenching honesty is tremendously healing for me, because you so clearly identified the evil system for what it was and how it was able to get under your skin at such a deep level.
May 5, 2014
There is nothing but bravery in Elizabeth Esther's decision to write this book--spiritual abuse, and fundamentalist spiritual abuse at that, is unbelievably damaging, and coming out against it requires strength. She tells a blood-boiling story. The problems are near the end; her recovery seems to happen very quickly, as she falls into the embrace of Catholicism and her husband. She mentions that there are setbacks and obstacles, and does detail some of her panic attacks and flashbacks, especially as she attends a megachurch, but this is skated over in order to make room for the horror stories of her childhood. My guess is that her editor/agent knew what would sell, and I don't necessarily blame Elizabeth Esther for it, but I do think that it presents a slightly uneven picture. There is an excellent blog at defeatingthedragons.wordpress.com, run by the redoubtable and very intelligent Samantha Field, which goes into greater depth about recovery from spiritual abuse, and I would highly recommend it to anyone who enjoys this book or is interested in the subject, but wants some more substantial material.
January 23, 2018
I don't usually read on the Kindle, but I was introduced to this book through Elizabeth Esther's blog, so when I saw that it was on sale for $1.99 I figured it was worth saving $10 off the print version (I guess there are some perks to ebooks -- and it looks like there are still a few days left in the sale, fyi).
This is her story about growing up in a fundamentalist cult that revolved around intense end-times preparation, street preaching, child "training" (i.e. daily spankings), strict gender roles, self-loathing, and lots and lots of fear.
I appreciate her willingness to delve into some dark times in her past and give her perspective on her upbringing. While it is at times infuriating to read (mostly during the scenes of clear spiritual abuse), she is also able to keep a sense of humor about her. I also appreciate how she describes escaping the cult without losing her faith (though it evolves quite a bit). Leaving a faith in which the Bible has been used as a weapon against you could easily lead to atheism, especially since Elizabeth experiences mental and physical trauma from her past that often manifests as PTSD in the presence of "ordinary" religious situations such as attending church and reading the Bible. Even then, she finds ways to connect with God and is relieved to find that he is bigger than she thought he was.
I certainly didn't grow up in a cult, but there were still parts of this story that hit close to home as far as spiritual teachings go, which is why I think memoirs of spiritual abuse can be valuable, in the sense that they help us know what to look for, and understand that this can happen anywhere. As Elizabeth says near the beginning, cults are not so much about beliefs as they are *behavior*, and fundamentalist behavior can take place anywhere, even in contexts that are not religious. Though she doesn't spend a whole lot of time "analyzing" spiritual teachings, I found a few good takeaways here, though I am now more interested in reading her follow-up Spiritual Sobriety.
In short, I rate this book highly because I really connected with it and related to Elizabeth, and I also found it very readable. I'm glad she had the courage to leave her family's cult-empire, and am glad she is finding grace and peace with God.
This is her story about growing up in a fundamentalist cult that revolved around intense end-times preparation, street preaching, child "training" (i.e. daily spankings), strict gender roles, self-loathing, and lots and lots of fear.
I appreciate her willingness to delve into some dark times in her past and give her perspective on her upbringing. While it is at times infuriating to read (mostly during the scenes of clear spiritual abuse), she is also able to keep a sense of humor about her. I also appreciate how she describes escaping the cult without losing her faith (though it evolves quite a bit). Leaving a faith in which the Bible has been used as a weapon against you could easily lead to atheism, especially since Elizabeth experiences mental and physical trauma from her past that often manifests as PTSD in the presence of "ordinary" religious situations such as attending church and reading the Bible. Even then, she finds ways to connect with God and is relieved to find that he is bigger than she thought he was.
I certainly didn't grow up in a cult, but there were still parts of this story that hit close to home as far as spiritual teachings go, which is why I think memoirs of spiritual abuse can be valuable, in the sense that they help us know what to look for, and understand that this can happen anywhere. As Elizabeth says near the beginning, cults are not so much about beliefs as they are *behavior*, and fundamentalist behavior can take place anywhere, even in contexts that are not religious. Though she doesn't spend a whole lot of time "analyzing" spiritual teachings, I found a few good takeaways here, though I am now more interested in reading her follow-up Spiritual Sobriety.
In short, I rate this book highly because I really connected with it and related to Elizabeth, and I also found it very readable. I'm glad she had the courage to leave her family's cult-empire, and am glad she is finding grace and peace with God.
June 5, 2014
At first I thought this book was going to be a snarky feminist rant, but it wasn't offensive like that at all. It was troubling to read, but worth it, as it is a very important topic I think everyone needs to be informed of. Spiritual abuse needs to be exposed for what it is, and Elizabeth Esther does a great job at describing the mind numbing, bewildering and crazy tactics that cult leaders inflict on their victims. The end of her faith journey is surprising to me, in a good way. Highly recommend this to anyone who is interested in reading about cults and faith journeys.
December 4, 2015
This is the second book I read this year about someone who escaped from a fundamentalist Christian cult. The author wrote about the abuse of children, behavior control, mind control, and isolation, things common to cults. She was afraid to escape, because after all this was her whole life and her family was so entrenched in the cult. But when she married and had her own children she realized that she couldn't stay. I don't know why these stories grab my attention, but they do. How weak is the human mind that accepts such extreme versions of religion? How strong does one have to be to realize it's time to get out?
February 11, 2018
I loved this book until the last few chapters. I picked up this book because I have endured much suffering in the Catholic Church, where I was born and raised. I still struggle often with how the church hurt me. I thought this book would give me an insight on pursuing “faith with a future” (as in the description), but was sad and frustrated to see that the author left a Fundamentalist cult and ultimately ended up in Catholicism.
It was a good book, but for me personally, it missed the mark by a longshot.
It was a good book, but for me personally, it missed the mark by a longshot.
September 12, 2015
Holy crap this book was good. I was utterly enthralled and kept sneaking off to read for five or ten minutes at a time because I wanted to know what happened next. Elizabeth is a very strong woman and that shows in all the pages of this book. So glad she escape and that she and her husband were able to get away from all the brain washing of the cult and be a normal family.
April 9, 2016
This book was powerful for me. I appreciated how she was able to honestly tell her story and the recovery work that she was able to weave through this story. Her tenacity of spirit that kept driving her towards finding something different - anything different than the cult she was in was amazing to see.
August 20, 2022
From one extreme to the other. I didn't like that author became catholic and started worshiping Marry. This books is a good example what happens when christians don't love each other and then they find comfort in psychology.
"George Geftakys—known as Papa George to family—claimed his authority came straight from God. Which was just another way of saying he ordained himself."
"Fundamentalism that becomes cultish destroys the God-given freedom of each person. Usually this is accomplished through fear. In my own experience, the most detrimental aspect of my childhood was our preoccupation with End of the World theology. Even though my grandfather was never quite certain whether Christians would be persecuted before or after the Rapture, the End of the World was coming soon, and we had to stay prepared."
"They didn’t save money to send me to college because planning for the future was irrelevant when there was no future. That’s why by age nine I had simply resigned myself to dying for Jesus."
"Allergies, of course, were the only acceptable explanation for my bizarre symptoms. In our brand of fundamentalism, people with anxiety issues were people with weak faith. For true Christians like us, there was no such thing as mental illness."
"Life wasn’t about living; it was about preparing for Eternity. Things like having fun, listening to music, hanging out with friends, or just being a kid were a waste of precious time. As I mentioned, my parents never saved for my college education or even their own retirement because they were preparing for things of higher, eternal value, such as dying for the Lord."
"This is the chief marker of cultish fundamentalism: everyone must obey. Fundamentalism isn’t so much about belief as it is about behavior. Mainly, fundamentalism is about sameness. We spoke Assembly, we lived Assembly, we spanked our kids Assembly. Everything was controlled. Anything different required prior approval."
"Vivian has befriended me, talking to me as if I am a real person with important feelings and thoughts."
"Whenever the Lord starts talking to my parents, I get nervous."
"I reminded God that I’d been honoring Him, and it would be awesome if He honored me back—this time with a real, flesh-and-blood man. I mean, Jesus was a great boyfriend and all, but things were sort of lacking in the kissing department."
"The expansiveness of creation gives me hope that God is bigger than I’ve been taught, bigger than The Assembly, bigger than I’ve imagined."
"Matt’s connection with God is different from mine. Matt has this unwavering, unflustered, quiet confidence about his faith. It provokes in me a kind of godly jealousy: I want what he has. I want that kind of peace."
"But freedom was also strange. The unscheduled hours often felt like a cavernous vacuum. We didn’t know how to live our lives without someone telling us what to do, where to go, when to arrive, and when to leave. What did normal people do with all their spare time?"
"I don’t know how to engage people without trying to convert them to Christ. I don’t know how to have a conversation without steering it toward Questions of Eternal Significance."
"It is suddenly dawning on me that I’d done the exact same thing to people: pretended to be their friend in order to get them to buy something. Instead of selling kitchen gadgets, I’d been a multilevel marketer for The Assembly."
"Like most children raised in a high-demand environment—whether that’s as a result of religion, alcohol, violence, or poverty—I find myself often living on hyperalert, constantly scanning for potential threats. After all, I was raised to see threats everywhere—out there, yes, but also in here."
"I still don’t know how to rest or relax. I feel guilty about taking a day off. I fear I’m spiritually lazy if I have margins of downtime. It has taken nearly a decade to realize that living frantically isn’t, in fact, a virtue. Or healthy."
"The only thing I know for sure is that if I want continued healing, I must “act as if” God loves me and has a future for me. It’s strange, but it works. The more I choose to believe God loves me, the more loving I believe God is. I am no longer a victim being acted upon. I am now actively participating in loving God, loving myself, and loving others."
"George Geftakys—known as Papa George to family—claimed his authority came straight from God. Which was just another way of saying he ordained himself."
"Fundamentalism that becomes cultish destroys the God-given freedom of each person. Usually this is accomplished through fear. In my own experience, the most detrimental aspect of my childhood was our preoccupation with End of the World theology. Even though my grandfather was never quite certain whether Christians would be persecuted before or after the Rapture, the End of the World was coming soon, and we had to stay prepared."
"They didn’t save money to send me to college because planning for the future was irrelevant when there was no future. That’s why by age nine I had simply resigned myself to dying for Jesus."
"Allergies, of course, were the only acceptable explanation for my bizarre symptoms. In our brand of fundamentalism, people with anxiety issues were people with weak faith. For true Christians like us, there was no such thing as mental illness."
"Life wasn’t about living; it was about preparing for Eternity. Things like having fun, listening to music, hanging out with friends, or just being a kid were a waste of precious time. As I mentioned, my parents never saved for my college education or even their own retirement because they were preparing for things of higher, eternal value, such as dying for the Lord."
"This is the chief marker of cultish fundamentalism: everyone must obey. Fundamentalism isn’t so much about belief as it is about behavior. Mainly, fundamentalism is about sameness. We spoke Assembly, we lived Assembly, we spanked our kids Assembly. Everything was controlled. Anything different required prior approval."
"Vivian has befriended me, talking to me as if I am a real person with important feelings and thoughts."
"Whenever the Lord starts talking to my parents, I get nervous."
"I reminded God that I’d been honoring Him, and it would be awesome if He honored me back—this time with a real, flesh-and-blood man. I mean, Jesus was a great boyfriend and all, but things were sort of lacking in the kissing department."
"The expansiveness of creation gives me hope that God is bigger than I’ve been taught, bigger than The Assembly, bigger than I’ve imagined."
"Matt’s connection with God is different from mine. Matt has this unwavering, unflustered, quiet confidence about his faith. It provokes in me a kind of godly jealousy: I want what he has. I want that kind of peace."
"But freedom was also strange. The unscheduled hours often felt like a cavernous vacuum. We didn’t know how to live our lives without someone telling us what to do, where to go, when to arrive, and when to leave. What did normal people do with all their spare time?"
"I don’t know how to engage people without trying to convert them to Christ. I don’t know how to have a conversation without steering it toward Questions of Eternal Significance."
"It is suddenly dawning on me that I’d done the exact same thing to people: pretended to be their friend in order to get them to buy something. Instead of selling kitchen gadgets, I’d been a multilevel marketer for The Assembly."
"Like most children raised in a high-demand environment—whether that’s as a result of religion, alcohol, violence, or poverty—I find myself often living on hyperalert, constantly scanning for potential threats. After all, I was raised to see threats everywhere—out there, yes, but also in here."
"I still don’t know how to rest or relax. I feel guilty about taking a day off. I fear I’m spiritually lazy if I have margins of downtime. It has taken nearly a decade to realize that living frantically isn’t, in fact, a virtue. Or healthy."
"The only thing I know for sure is that if I want continued healing, I must “act as if” God loves me and has a future for me. It’s strange, but it works. The more I choose to believe God loves me, the more loving I believe God is. I am no longer a victim being acted upon. I am now actively participating in loving God, loving myself, and loving others."
June 13, 2014
“A story of mind control, the apocalypse, and modest attire” says the back of this book. How could I resist it? Elizabeth Esther’s memoir tells of life growing up with the everyday abuses, physical and mental, of a fundamentalist cult. Regular spankings seem to have failed in their aim of breaking her will. But it’s hard to leave home, faith and family, and Elizabeth struggles to conform, firm in her conviction that she’s ugly, God doesn’t want her to be happy, and only obedience can save her.
Girl at the End of the World is a heartbreaking tale, rendered gentler by the reader’s knowledge that Elizabeth must have escaped, and by the author’s natural humor and honest voice. I like her from the very first sentence and want to know more about her. I want to know why she’s standing on a soapbox at age nine, why she hasn’t run away at age fifteen, and how will she bring up her own children. I take delight in the surprise of her escape, and the wonder of slow steps back to faith. And I love her genuine insights, her willingness to face controversy, and her personal touch. This is Elizabeth’s memoir, not a template for better churches or deeper faith, and not a condemnation of any particular belief. It's also a beautiful tale of God’s mercy, slowly delivered and surely received.
Questions for the reader and an author interview at the end only add to the tale. The fact that I didn’t want to skip them just shows how well the author has drawn me in. A great memoir. A great tale of wounded and recovered faith. And wonderful book.
Disclosure: I received this book free from Blogging for Books and I offer my unbiased review.
Girl at the End of the World is a heartbreaking tale, rendered gentler by the reader’s knowledge that Elizabeth must have escaped, and by the author’s natural humor and honest voice. I like her from the very first sentence and want to know more about her. I want to know why she’s standing on a soapbox at age nine, why she hasn’t run away at age fifteen, and how will she bring up her own children. I take delight in the surprise of her escape, and the wonder of slow steps back to faith. And I love her genuine insights, her willingness to face controversy, and her personal touch. This is Elizabeth’s memoir, not a template for better churches or deeper faith, and not a condemnation of any particular belief. It's also a beautiful tale of God’s mercy, slowly delivered and surely received.
Questions for the reader and an author interview at the end only add to the tale. The fact that I didn’t want to skip them just shows how well the author has drawn me in. A great memoir. A great tale of wounded and recovered faith. And wonderful book.
Disclosure: I received this book free from Blogging for Books and I offer my unbiased review.
April 19, 2018
Wow, this book is simply outstanding. Although I never suffered spiritual abuse, I am well acquainted with the impact of growing up in a family rife with addiction and untreated mental illness. I could very much relate to the author’s experiences and struggle to step away and begin recovery. Everyone who has struggled to free themselves from the impact of parenting that was life denying needs to read this book. I found myself feeling like I had found a sister, and cheering her courage both in her journey and in writing this book. Her honesty and integrity are inspirational.
As a religious leader, I believe this book also details the potential dangers of independent religious organizations that lack accountability and oversight. We owe it to ourselves and those in power to hold them accountable. Ultimately, we serve the Divine precisely by serving those among us by always acting in a way that is life affirming and completely non-violent. Anything less does not deserve the name of ministry.
As a religious leader, I believe this book also details the potential dangers of independent religious organizations that lack accountability and oversight. We owe it to ourselves and those in power to hold them accountable. Ultimately, we serve the Divine precisely by serving those among us by always acting in a way that is life affirming and completely non-violent. Anything less does not deserve the name of ministry.
May 23, 2014
This was a super quick read. What struck me is how, once again, women are so often suppressed in fundamentalist religious groups. (It reminded me of Jimmy Carter's new book,"A Call to Action: Women, Religion, Violence, and Power", which he called 'his most important work', about this problem.)I was very surprised that she became Catholic after having left her family's cult. It is amazing that she had the stomach to join organized religion at all, after an upbringing like hers. I do admire that she was able to reconcile with her parents. I am sure that required great forgiveness on her part. This story is not unlike other stories about women leaving repressive religions----it brought to my mind some of those books by young women who left Warren Jeffs' brand of Mormonism. If you like to read that sort of thing, this will interest you. I am glad I got it at the library, rather than purchasing it. It didn't feel like essential reading for me; I've read this story before.
September 7, 2015
I am surprised by people who couldn't put this down - I *had* to keep putting it down, because the environment she was raised in was so, so terrible in spots.
But (as you figured out from the title), she made it out. And seems to have survived well, which seems miraculous. I can't even imagine how hard that must be. I have to admit, I was super impressed she's still married to a guy she met there; I would think it would be tough for him to overcome that.
Fascinating. A harder read than the gentle Shake Terribly the Earth: Stories from an Appalachian Family, but another interesting perspective on American fundamentalism. Or maybe evangelism.
But (as you figured out from the title), she made it out. And seems to have survived well, which seems miraculous. I can't even imagine how hard that must be. I have to admit, I was super impressed she's still married to a guy she met there; I would think it would be tough for him to overcome that.
Fascinating. A harder read than the gentle Shake Terribly the Earth: Stories from an Appalachian Family, but another interesting perspective on American fundamentalism. Or maybe evangelism.
March 29, 2014
It was nearly impossible to put this one down. While I had questions at times- wanting more information about particular stories, for instance, I think she did a remarkable job of sharing her memories, while honoring her family and respecting the wishes of people who perhaps did not want to be included. I would advise caution if you've come out of a fundamentalist background. For me, it was eye-opening and heartbreaking to learn what EE went through at The Assembly. Proud of her for sharing her story and doing it so well.
January 3, 2021
I didn't expect to be so profoundly affected by this book. I was raised in a church that was not as extreme as The Assembly but there were snippets of spiritual abuse. I found myself to be relating to Elizabeth's story because of my own family upbringing, I did not expect this at all. I admire the author's tenacity and strength to make the decision to leave the church. What an amazing story!
October 23, 2017
Very well written. I am fascinated by religion and the people who practice all religions. Elizabeth's experience was difficult to read about at times. I found myself making audible gasps and comments through out. I am so happy for Elizabeth and especially her children.
April 2, 2015
This memoir was interesting, but the writing quality is completely lacking. Either tell a more compelling and unique story, or tell this story more skillfully.
November 24, 2015
This book was a particularly interesting read for me since I grew up in the area of this religious group/cult.
January 24, 2016
different branch of fundamentalism, same kind of cult mentality
November 14, 2020
Simply-told and heart-wrenching, Elizabeth Esther's memoir about growing up and eventually breaking free of a fundamentalist cult is compelling and, ultimately, hopeful.
I have long had this book on my To-Read list as I was following and reading Elizabeth's blog (as Esther is her middle name, not her last, I will refer her by her first name). I knew the general outline of her experience: that she was spanked, that she was forbidden to feel emotions freely, that her every move was controlled. But I had no idea of the extent of the abuse she experienced growing up in The Assembly, a cult run by her grandfather. Elizabeth often writes from the perspective of her younger self, creating in the reader the same sense of oppression and fear that she felt at the time.
There are a few points in her story that are skimmed quickly, particularly in her escape and recovery. However, I cannot find fault in that, as some reviewers on this site seem to. After reading what she experienced, it feels voyeuristic and cruel to demand more details on her abuse and panic attacks. Elizabeth tells her story in hopes it will help people, not entertain.
Since she finds hope and recovery at the end, this book will be great for anyone who has suffered under abuse in the name of religion. Be aware though that there are descriptions of physical, mental, and spiritual abuse, as well as descriptions of her panic attacks, so this book may be triggering for those whose experience closely mirrors Elizabeth's. This book will also be great for anyone who has read or followed her blog. I know she has another book out, and I am interested in picking that one up as well.
I have long had this book on my To-Read list as I was following and reading Elizabeth's blog (as Esther is her middle name, not her last, I will refer her by her first name). I knew the general outline of her experience: that she was spanked, that she was forbidden to feel emotions freely, that her every move was controlled. But I had no idea of the extent of the abuse she experienced growing up in The Assembly, a cult run by her grandfather. Elizabeth often writes from the perspective of her younger self, creating in the reader the same sense of oppression and fear that she felt at the time.
There are a few points in her story that are skimmed quickly, particularly in her escape and recovery. However, I cannot find fault in that, as some reviewers on this site seem to. After reading what she experienced, it feels voyeuristic and cruel to demand more details on her abuse and panic attacks. Elizabeth tells her story in hopes it will help people, not entertain.
Since she finds hope and recovery at the end, this book will be great for anyone who has suffered under abuse in the name of religion. Be aware though that there are descriptions of physical, mental, and spiritual abuse, as well as descriptions of her panic attacks, so this book may be triggering for those whose experience closely mirrors Elizabeth's. This book will also be great for anyone who has read or followed her blog. I know she has another book out, and I am interested in picking that one up as well.
July 1, 2021
I love hearing about how people have escaped from oppressive religious groups or cults, it takes a special kind of strength that I really admire. This book did not disappoint on that front.
The writing really started out strong, and I was really happy that not only would I get an inspiring story but a well written one too! Throughout the book, though, it often devolved into "then this happened" and "then that happened".
One of the strangest things, though, was there were parts that I had to reread, thinking that I must have missed something, as she went from talking to her husband at home and then to a priest at church in the next paragraph without any sort of indication of a scene change.
I felt this way too when she left, that the issues she had when leaving had nothing to do with all the hardships she endured throughout the story. They were very valid issues, but some barely talked about and some not talked about at all before that.
I don't really want to sound critical, as stepping away from a group like that takes a tremendous amount of bravery and strength. I'm so glad that the book ended with a brighter future, and I hope that Elizabeth Esther is living a life full of happiness.
The writing really started out strong, and I was really happy that not only would I get an inspiring story but a well written one too! Throughout the book, though, it often devolved into "then this happened" and "then that happened".
One of the strangest things, though, was there were parts that I had to reread, thinking that I must have missed something, as she went from talking to her husband at home and then to a priest at church in the next paragraph without any sort of indication of a scene change.
I felt this way too when she left, that the issues she had when leaving had nothing to do with all the hardships she endured throughout the story. They were very valid issues, but some barely talked about and some not talked about at all before that.
I don't really want to sound critical, as stepping away from a group like that takes a tremendous amount of bravery and strength. I'm so glad that the book ended with a brighter future, and I hope that Elizabeth Esther is living a life full of happiness.
June 8, 2020
I love books by people who have left fundamentalism. Everyone who’s grown up in fundamentalism has their own brand of crazy they can talk about; Elizabeth’s story is no different. I am surprised she was able to forgive her parents at the end. I am still trying to forgive everyone who kept me in fundamentalism and my story is nowhere near as horrific as hers. It’s also interesting to me where she ended up from a religious standpoint. I would’ve thought she would’ve ended up anti organized religion. Overall I liked the book and am happy to add it to my shelves.
January 29, 2019
This is the true story of Elizabeth Esther who grew up in a very physically and mentally punishing religious cult and the efforts she took to try and remove herself from their influence. Very compelling and inspiring!
March 17, 2024
Good read
This book was good but I don't think its a story of survival and freedom at all. This woman left one cult and jumped into a totally different one. I'm not sure if I'll read her other book now lol.
This book was good but I don't think its a story of survival and freedom at all. This woman left one cult and jumped into a totally different one. I'm not sure if I'll read her other book now lol.
January 6, 2020
“You shouldn’t have to choose between asking questions and being considered rebellious” - great encapsulation of this book. I relate to so much.
December 23, 2025
I can relate to a lot of Elizabeth’s story. Fundamentalism robs you of your ability to think independently and your ability to truly value and respect people that are different from your community. You have to fall in line or fall out of the community that was once your world and your family. It takes a lot of courage to forge a whole new way of thinking and living if this is all you have known but the rewards are worth it. It is as if you no longer view the world in black and white but in full color. It is no longer “us”and “them.” I can learn from and love everyone. You don’t have to turn off whole parts of your brain but have freedom to explore and question everything. Like Elizabeth, I came out the other side with a deep, rich faith but it’s a much more open-hearted and open-minded version. It’s a faith that is alive and constantly being revised. A faith that is formed through lived experience, lots of struggle, and not whole or fixed and once and for all.
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