Only Spring: On Mourning the Death of My Son

by Gordon Livingston

The loss of a child is every parent's most unspeakable fear. Gordon Livingston survived that tragedy not once but twice in a 13-month period, losing one son to suicide and another to leukemia. Only Spring, based on the journal he began keeping when the family received six-year-old Lucas's diagnosis, traces the excruciating ordeal of witnessing his child's courageous battle and the agonizing cycle of faith lost and hope regained. As a memorial, Only Spring will introduce you to a remarkable child whose legacy of hope and love can enrich each of us. As a portrait of survival, it will infuse us with the strength and faith to confront the most profound challenges in our lives.

Genres: Nonfiction

256 pages, Paperback

First published April 1, 1995

Reviews

[Yijia Chen · Rating 3 out of 5]

Absolutely touching piece of work.

The author of the book, Gordon Livingston, is a father who witnessed his son Lucas's eventual death from leukemia. Like a lot other parents, he first believed firmly that his son will be an exceptional patient regardless of the past statistics. As the treatment continues, he underwent the binary operation between thorough hope and deep worries as Lucas's symptoms went up and down, though always refused to accept the chance of death. Eventually, Gordon simply hoped to be next to Lucas and take care of him as well as he could, days and nights. The sense of doing something was more satisfying than any expectation of improvement. Lucas died anyway, and Gordon suffered. He began to doubt the existence of God and the meaning of being alive, and this feeling stayed with him until a long period of time when he finally stood up.

Two things I found most vital from the book: First, I am truly impressed the persistence of the author when it comes to recording every precious moment before and after his son's death. Within two years, he almost kept a diary every day with a different realization of life. Second, I now know better how parents think: they desperately need someone that depends on them, stays with them, and is innocent enough to exchange love and compassion with each other. This got especially clear after about three months after Lucas's death, when his father walked out of the first tide of depression and examined carefully the elements lost in his life.

[Kendra · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is not a book that many people would want to read. It is a parent's worst nightmare, to watch one's child suffer. I picked up this book once after Rachel died and found that I was unable to read it because it was too painful. Then I tried again shortly after our son died suddenly, and that time I couldn't read it because I felt insanely jealous that the father was given 6 years with his son (such a long length!) And yes, he died of cancer but they knew what the cause of death was whereas I was told by doctors that my choice to take Elijah to the chiropractor resulted in his death. I know - it is crazy, but that is how it was. I felt so incredibly robbed and I thought all other losses were insignificant next to ours. Now, a year later - I am able to enter into other's pain a bit more, or at least I can acknowledge that other losses are also real and significant. And this time I found a lot more common ground. He writes honestly and it is deeply moving. It is written in diary format, with many excellent quotes scattered throughout.

[Abbie Taylor · Rating 5 out of 5]

Only Spring: On Mourning the Death of My Son by Gordon Livingston consists primarily of the author’s journal entries. He starts by describing how his son, Lucas, was diagnosed with leukemia, then talks about the frequent hospitalizations for chemotherapy and finally the bone marrow transplant, of which Lucas died of complications a couple of months after the procedure. Subsequent chapters describe the family’s agonizing day-to-day grief and healing process and how the author raised funds for a hotel suite for families of children receiving treatment at the hospital where Lucas died.

I like how Gordon Livingston takes us into the moment with his journal entries. I was right there with his family, as they endured the long, arduous treatment process, all for nothing. In the final chapter, his wife and others share their memories of Lucas, which adds a nice touch, ending the book on a positive note.

All this happened over thirty years ago, but many ideas in the book ring true today. Losing a child can be devastating because parents often regret years the child could have had. This book should not only offer hope to those in similar situations but should also provide insight to health care professionals on what it’s like to be a dying patient or family member. Whether you, like me, are interested in illness and death, or whether you’re dealing with it or treating it, this is a must-read. Thank you for stopping by.

[Bev · Rating 5 out of 5]

A very moving story which I found impossible to put down.

[Carl · Rating 1 out of 5]

The writer has been praised for his honesty and clarity in writing about the death of his son, but I feel that many reviewers are reacting to the subject matter not the writing. We learn very little about the writer, his family, and the mother. We learn almost nothing about how any of these people felt. We do not learn anything about leukemia and its treatment, why this particular patient suffered such a devastating graft-versus-host disease reaction, what the alternative are to the treatment he did receive, etc.

This seems like a good draft of a memoir, now he needs to go back in and add the scientific information, fill in the family details, and put in the "and I felt" part.

[Jeremy Hornik · Rating 2 out of 5]

An illness and grief journal by a psychiatrist whose son died of leukemia. I didn't care for it that much. There were parts that I felt reflected my own experience, but it was buried in a lot of inward reflection that seemed to me like so much navel-gazing. The best section was the final chapter, in which a number of women (not the author) remember the boy and tell stories about him. That was the part I connected with most.

[Tina · Rating 5 out of 5]

This Father's journal is just as the title reads, a Father's journal of mourning his son. I don't believe it is book to read for advise; its a window in this man's experience in losing something he treasured, his child.

He gives us insight to Lucas; a fun, lovable child who handled his circumstances with courage. Dad captures his spirit and honors his son be sharing his memories. I enjoyed reading about Lucas; for me, he is an inspiration in the short life he lived.

[Maryann · Rating 3 out of 5]

Journal entries of a father faced with losing his son to luekemia. Hard to read because it is sad, but interesting enough to keep reading. A lot of good insight and quotes. It is hard to not admire someone who has faced something so hard and survived. If you have ever dealt with cancer or loss of a child in any way, the book contains a lot of validation for those feelings.

[Donna Thomas · Rating 5 out of 5]

Beautiful, haunting, inspiring.

Gordon Livingstone's six year old boy is nothing short of amazing. What a tender heart! Interesting that his parenting choices are quite attachment oriented. Research says there's a connection.

[Ellen · Rating 4 out of 5]

If you are grieving the death of a loved one, read this book. If you know someone who is in mourning or is second guessing themselves about health care decisions, give them this book.