‘It is possible to know something you are not allowed to know. Very gently and deeply, like a whale passing beneath a boat, a long animal just under the surface.’
I loved this book and that sentence took my breath away - there were numerous moments like the above where it communicated something I’d never felt communicated and it made me catch my breath. But more than that, it was one of those rare reading experiences that makes you want to write. From the very first page, the writing feels both raw, but also fully formed, as if the writer was writing in one long flow. I wanted to write a review despite never writing these because it affected me so much in such an expected way as a read.
Initially it suggests itself as a nature book, but instead for me it read like a highly personal story about what we need from and as people to feel safe. It looks at flat landscapes in Britain through the book, landscapes like Morecambe Bay, for example, which I never knew existed, and that in itself was a pleasure, googling them and seeing their surreal qualities. But, as the book goes on, it’s less and less a nature book. It’s a book about a process one person has taken and it looks at how we might relate to landscapes in ways we can use to make sense and space for ourselves. With this process, you are on an intimate journey with the author, but it resists the need to bundle that up into a nugget for you to take away or to make it seem like when we finish writing or reading books we are all fully healed. It feels like a book about being ‘with’, and, in that way, things becoming safer over time. In the end, the author allows things to not cohere into a readable landscape. Instead, the book finishes on what we need from our mothers, and what we need to be alive. For me it was profoundly moving.
It was also challenging - the writing also made me hold my breath in sometimes, both in being with the author, but also feeling like something had been spoken I wanted to pay witness to and allow to land deep in me. Sometimes being ‘with’ the author involved having to be with them from a distance, because I am white, and the book allows itself to be written from a non-white perspective. Reading this book was profoundly good for me, in the way that sometimes what is good for us is also hard. The book itself is really interested in how we can allow things to be both at the same time. At one point, she references what George Eliot wrote - about ‘the roar on the other side of silence’. And the writing is like this: sensory, painful but never in any way prurient. It allows things to be what they are, while also sharing them with us in an important way.
The book repeatedly makes Britain’s colonial past visible, highlighting ways that Britain’s colonialist history is an ongoing reality in the present, which is clangingly open to view, everywhere and never seen. It was hard but true to read sentences like ‘Everyone makes decisions about who gets to be human’ and the book offers you ways to look and consider experiences different to your own.
And I loved its ending. Throughout the book, you can tell that this is a writer who cares profoundly about communicating, and is writing about the struggle to communicate and the struggle to exist, and the pain of being misread. But it ended in a way that made me feel that the author had reclaimed something: had reclaimed a right to not be fully understood in order to be themself, the right to be while not feeling compelled to facilitate others’ knowing. So it was a book that helped me know myself more and moved me deeply thinking about my own relationships, but also stood apart from me, as it wasn’t about me, but took me with it while claiming its own self, and throughout that felt like an intimate honour to be beside. It was a real experience - a memoir that felt fully real, fully here with you, like a person’s deepest self said out loud, live, to help them know something, and like literature - a full expression of something very important. I would definitely recommend it and will be giving it to friends.