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The Fine Art Of Small Talk: How to Start a Conversation, Keep It Going, Build Networking Skills – and Leave a Positive Impression!
Do you spend an abnormal amount of time hiding in the bathroom or hanging around the buffet table at social gatherings? Does the thought of striking up a conversation with a stranger make your stomach do flip-flops? Do you sit nervously through job interviews waiting for the other person to speak? Are you nervous when it comes to networking?
Then it's time you mastered The Fine Art of Small Talk. With practical advice and conversation 'cheat sheets,' The Fine Art of Small Talk will help you learn to feel more comfortable in any type of social situation, from lunch with your boss to going out on a date to a cocktail party where you don't know a soul.
The Fine Art of Small Talk teaches you how to:
- Start a conversation even when you think you have nothing to say
- Steady your shaky knees and dry your sweaty palms
- Prevent awkward pauses and lengthy silences
- Adopt listening skills that will make you a better conversationalist
- Approach social functions with confidence
- Feel more at ease at parties, meetings and at job interviews
- Turn every conversation into an opportunity for success
Then it's time you mastered The Fine Art of Small Talk. With practical advice and conversation 'cheat sheets,' The Fine Art of Small Talk will help you learn to feel more comfortable in any type of social situation, from lunch with your boss to going out on a date to a cocktail party where you don't know a soul.
The Fine Art of Small Talk teaches you how to:
- Start a conversation even when you think you have nothing to say
- Steady your shaky knees and dry your sweaty palms
- Prevent awkward pauses and lengthy silences
- Adopt listening skills that will make you a better conversationalist
- Approach social functions with confidence
- Feel more at ease at parties, meetings and at job interviews
- Turn every conversation into an opportunity for success
196 pages, Kindle Edition
First published January 1, 1997
1648 people are currently reading
11177 people want to read
About the author
Debra Fine
32 books41 followersDebra Fine is an internationally recognised speaker and trainer. As a member of the National Speakers Association she travels extensively giving lectures and conducting workshops on the topic.
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 530 reviews
July 9, 2019
Hello, my name is Heidi and I am bad at small talk. It's not that I don't have things to say — I can think of plenty of things to say. The things just don't make it out of my mouth.
Enter Debra Fine, self-help author and speaking coach. She believes small talk is a skill that can be taught and mastered by even the most hopeless conversationalist. Fine begins by detailing her own life experience as a poor conversationalist and how she remade herself into a conversational dynamo.
And she hopes to do the same for her readers.
Most of the advice in The Fine Art of Small Talk is common sense stuff, but I can still see it being useful to me in the future.
For example, she encourages readers to be brave and initiate conversations in public situations. Look for the people sitting by themselves. They might appreciate your attempts to chat. Also, if you don't start a conversation, he or she may believe you're being stand-offish. That's not a belief you'd want to encourage.
Actually, I have a very shy friend, one of the librarians I worked with, who swore by this technique of finding a person sitting by themselves. She did extremely well at parties by finding the quietest person in the room and starting a conversation with them.
Next, once you're talking to someone, learn his or her name and how to appropriately pronounce it. Ask open-ended questions to foster the conversations and reduce any potentially awkward pauses. Fine recommends using the acronym "FORM" to help you create these questions. FORM stands for family, occupation, recreation and miscellaneous.
Don't be rude and press into topics that people seem reluctant to talk about. Just gently steer the conversation around the recommended general topics and let the person you're conversing with lead. Make sure to pay attention to any verbal cues or body language the other person gives you. Obviously, this can be more difficult over the phone, so just actively listen.
And finally, exit the conversation gracefully by going back to the topic you started talking about in the first place or offering to follow up with the person by giving a phone number or email.
Now that you have all the tools of small talk, your assignment is to practice it. Yikes.
As I said, nothing earth-shattering in here, but in an age of increasing social disconnection because of technology, perhaps these tips could be useful to anyone who is seeking to improve their relationships through small talk.
Recommended for all the tongue-tied bibliophiles out there, like me.
Enter Debra Fine, self-help author and speaking coach. She believes small talk is a skill that can be taught and mastered by even the most hopeless conversationalist. Fine begins by detailing her own life experience as a poor conversationalist and how she remade herself into a conversational dynamo.
And she hopes to do the same for her readers.
Most of the advice in The Fine Art of Small Talk is common sense stuff, but I can still see it being useful to me in the future.
For example, she encourages readers to be brave and initiate conversations in public situations. Look for the people sitting by themselves. They might appreciate your attempts to chat. Also, if you don't start a conversation, he or she may believe you're being stand-offish. That's not a belief you'd want to encourage.
Actually, I have a very shy friend, one of the librarians I worked with, who swore by this technique of finding a person sitting by themselves. She did extremely well at parties by finding the quietest person in the room and starting a conversation with them.
Next, once you're talking to someone, learn his or her name and how to appropriately pronounce it. Ask open-ended questions to foster the conversations and reduce any potentially awkward pauses. Fine recommends using the acronym "FORM" to help you create these questions. FORM stands for family, occupation, recreation and miscellaneous.
Don't be rude and press into topics that people seem reluctant to talk about. Just gently steer the conversation around the recommended general topics and let the person you're conversing with lead. Make sure to pay attention to any verbal cues or body language the other person gives you. Obviously, this can be more difficult over the phone, so just actively listen.
And finally, exit the conversation gracefully by going back to the topic you started talking about in the first place or offering to follow up with the person by giving a phone number or email.
Now that you have all the tools of small talk, your assignment is to practice it. Yikes.
As I said, nothing earth-shattering in here, but in an age of increasing social disconnection because of technology, perhaps these tips could be useful to anyone who is seeking to improve their relationships through small talk.
Recommended for all the tongue-tied bibliophiles out there, like me.
November 29, 2008
I figured out awhile back that even the very best self-help books contain about a pamphlet's worth of good ideas padded out to book length with anecdotes, redundant bullet points, and the occasional not-very-funny cartoon. With the lowered expectations of that definition, this is a pretty good book since it contains about a pamphlet's worth of good ideas.
The actual suggested talking points are more stilted and awkward than anything you could think up yourself and if you didn't already know which subjects to avoid (politics, religion) you've got bigger social problems than this book can fix. However, the author manages to make a few good points and reminded me of a few things I hadn't perhaps taken seriously enough. (Such as pointing out that shyness can be misconstrued as rudeness if you seem to be avoiding conversation and that sometimes taking the aggressive position of initiating the conversation and asking the questions can be a shy person's best defense against being cornered.)
The general focus of the book is on business networking and the section on dating consists mainly of anecdotes more likely to scare you off dating than increase your confidence in social small talk. Hence, I think I'd be more likely to recommend this to business people than to someone just interested in making friends, but even there it has some helpful points for the socially inept.
The actual suggested talking points are more stilted and awkward than anything you could think up yourself and if you didn't already know which subjects to avoid (politics, religion) you've got bigger social problems than this book can fix. However, the author manages to make a few good points and reminded me of a few things I hadn't perhaps taken seriously enough. (Such as pointing out that shyness can be misconstrued as rudeness if you seem to be avoiding conversation and that sometimes taking the aggressive position of initiating the conversation and asking the questions can be a shy person's best defense against being cornered.)
The general focus of the book is on business networking and the section on dating consists mainly of anecdotes more likely to scare you off dating than increase your confidence in social small talk. Hence, I think I'd be more likely to recommend this to business people than to someone just interested in making friends, but even there it has some helpful points for the socially inept.
July 9, 2018
همش اين بود،لبخند بزنيد،تماس چشمي برقرار كنيد،خودتونو معرفي كنيد و اسم طرفو يادتون نره!
November 16, 2018
Like many people, I can't stand "small talk" or "icebreakers" and I generally avoid social situations in which these skills are necessary. I recently returned from a vacation on which I had pledged that I'd try to be better at talking to random people, and I entirely failed on that goal. I never seem to sit next to a chatty Kathy on an airplane. I don't strike up conversations with locals at bars or restaurants. If I am approached by someone in these situations, my default reaction is usually to be defensive instead of open. I shoot back one word responses and don't ask open ended questions, because I usually don't want to speak with the person beyond that. A man that works in my building told me I needed to smile the other day, and I'm still harboring resentment toward him days later for that comment. I know he's from an older generation and probably means well, but it's 2018. Don't say that.
A lot of the conversation topics and ideas in this book seem incredibly robotic and unnatural to even say. I was surprised to see the book was written in 2005. It reads as very dated. Many of the suggestions seemed geared toward business interactions as well, which isn't my area. I took a few pointers away from this book but they were mostly seeing aspects of myself in the "bad conversation skills" section. I accept this and can maybe sort of try to do better.
After reading this book, I've come to the realization that I don't really think I'm meant to talk to random people. I'm guilty of instantly judging people from the second I see them or am introduced. I make a snap decision if the person is worthy of my time or not, and I'm usually right. A key component to this book's suggestions is to express genuine interest in what other people are talking about and I'm genuinely not interested most of the time. Life is too short to suffer through conversations I don't care about. If this dooms me to solitude and spinsterhood then I guess that's fine.
A lot of the conversation topics and ideas in this book seem incredibly robotic and unnatural to even say. I was surprised to see the book was written in 2005. It reads as very dated. Many of the suggestions seemed geared toward business interactions as well, which isn't my area. I took a few pointers away from this book but they were mostly seeing aspects of myself in the "bad conversation skills" section. I accept this and can maybe sort of try to do better.
After reading this book, I've come to the realization that I don't really think I'm meant to talk to random people. I'm guilty of instantly judging people from the second I see them or am introduced. I make a snap decision if the person is worthy of my time or not, and I'm usually right. A key component to this book's suggestions is to express genuine interest in what other people are talking about and I'm genuinely not interested most of the time. Life is too short to suffer through conversations I don't care about. If this dooms me to solitude and spinsterhood then I guess that's fine.
September 3, 2017
من جز اون ادمایی هستم تو جمع جدید زل میزنم به گلای قالی و خب خیلی مشکلات مطرح شده هم برام اشنا بود، اما این راهکارهای مطرح شده چقدر قابل اجراست، مخصوصا با وجود تفاوت فرهنگی و اجتماعیای که وجود داره، خودش بحث جداییه.
در کل مثل همه کتابای سبک «خودیاری» ادمو هیجان زده میکنه که با این چیزایی که یاد گرفتم الان استاد سخنوری و گپ زدنم ولی خب هیچوقت اینقدر ساده نیست.
شاید هم من اهل اینجور کتابها نیستم و با تنبلی میخونمشون. به هر حال خوندن این کتاب خالی از لطف هم نبود.
در کل مثل همه کتابای سبک «خودیاری» ادمو هیجان زده میکنه که با این چیزایی که یاد گرفتم الان استاد سخنوری و گپ زدنم ولی خب هیچوقت اینقدر ساده نیست.
شاید هم من اهل اینجور کتابها نیستم و با تنبلی میخونمشون. به هر حال خوندن این کتاب خالی از لطف هم نبود.
June 14, 2021
tldr;
Take the initiative
Remember and use their name
Let them lead
Ask open ended questions
Mirror
Change topics if needed
Exit conversation gracefully
Take the initiative
Remember and use their name
Let them lead
Ask open ended questions
Mirror
Change topics if needed
Exit conversation gracefully
October 20, 2020
Mani mēdz piemeklēt šādas situācijas
It īpaši vietās ar daudz svešiem cilvēkiem, kuri paši neizrāda baigo velmi iedraudzēties...
Šī grāmatiņa ir īsa un strukturēta. Autore noteikti atbalsta ideju, ka atkārtošana ir zināšanu māte, tāpēc.... daudz atkārtojas, bet kaut ko noderīgu iedvesmai nākošaija sarunai par neko smelties var.
It īpaši vietās ar daudz svešiem cilvēkiem, kuri paši neizrāda baigo velmi iedraudzēties...
Šī grāmatiņa ir īsa un strukturēta. Autore noteikti atbalsta ideju, ka atkārtošana ir zināšanu māte, tāpēc.... daudz atkārtojas, bet kaut ko noderīgu iedvesmai nākošaija sarunai par neko smelties var.
February 29, 2012
I recently looked up this book, ordered it from the library, and read it. Very, very good. I'm one of these people who never feels he has anything to say to anybody I'm not really close to. So it occurred to me, "I need to learn how to make small talk!" I used to look down and demean small talk. Debra (author) shows how small talk is indeed important and meaningful, and she teaches how to do it. I'm practicing and I find she's really onto something! I need to keep practicing. I'm going to buy this book to keep on hand to reference when needed.
March 27, 2010
This is a good book to learn more about conversation skills. It lets you know what kind of things are important to a conversation, like maintaining eye contact, listening attentively, etc. Some of the things seem kind of basic initially, but we can know it but still not do it correctly. We all frequently find ourselves trying to multi-task, using the computer while talking, etc. Eating while talking is fine, but Debra reminds us that we need to be focus on the conversation and the person or our mind will easily drift to other things. I especially like the chapter about crimes and misdemeanors: The FBI agent (someone who asks too many questions so the conversation doesn't flow), the braggart, the one-upper, the monopolizer, the interrupter, the poor sport, the know-it-all, and the advisor. This book inspires the reader to pay more attention to our conversations, networking, and connecting with others.
Favorite Quote: "Guess what? Most of us are ordinary people just trying to live our lives. We worry about paying bills, educating kids, our favorite team winning a championship, getting a promotion, caring for elderly parents, taking an occasional vacation, having time for a hobby, and relaxing now and then. We are more alike than we are different, and our commmonality as human beings opens the door for connection and conversation." (P. 61)
Favorite Quote: "Guess what? Most of us are ordinary people just trying to live our lives. We worry about paying bills, educating kids, our favorite team winning a championship, getting a promotion, caring for elderly parents, taking an occasional vacation, having time for a hobby, and relaxing now and then. We are more alike than we are different, and our commmonality as human beings opens the door for connection and conversation." (P. 61)
February 1, 2008
This is just a delightful little book! It's fun and easy to read, and includes lists of "icebreaker" questions and comments for many occasions. She emphasizes making others feel comfortable and being genuinely interested in people, which I like.
October 15, 2010
كتاب جيد .. قرأته بالترجمه العربيه وكانت واضحه من مكتبة جرير.
لا أحب كتب تطوير الذات ولا تجذبني إطلاقاً لكن قرأت الكتاب اكمالاً حديث ما..
كثير التكرار، ولو طبقت كثير من الأمور فيه بمجتمعنا لاعتبرنا فضوليين أكثر من كوننا مهتمين بالحوارات القصيره.
مع ذلك يبقى كتاباً جيداً
لا أحب كتب تطوير الذات ولا تجذبني إطلاقاً لكن قرأت الكتاب اكمالاً حديث ما..
كثير التكرار، ولو طبقت كثير من الأمور فيه بمجتمعنا لاعتبرنا فضوليين أكثر من كوننا مهتمين بالحوارات القصيره.
مع ذلك يبقى كتاباً جيداً
June 29, 2016
This was was somewhat helpful, but it had so many DO and DON'T lists that the book became tedious.
December 30, 2016
If you find yourself grasping at straws to keep the conversation going with somebody you just met or if you consider yourself to be a wallflower, you've come to the right place.
Small talk is the Icebreaker that clears the way for more intimate conversation, laying the foundation for a stronger relationship.
This book aims to teach you how to engage any individual in a meaningful conversation. It will also show you how to resuscitate a dying conversation and transition into new topics. It will share techniques to make you feel more at ease at networking events, parties and receptions. You can then use small talk to develop business friendships and be able to step out of a conversation with grace.
Debra Fine was once a shy engineer who kept mostly to herself and because of this, was passed up for a promotion to someone who was more peesonable. She later on opted to become a stay-at-home mom to take care of her 2 kids. Her husband filed for divorce and she found herself jobless with 2 mouths to feed.
Plato said "Necessity is the mother of invention", and so she had to reinvent herself. So she had to learn the Art of Small Talk... And master it, she did.
The book contains anecdotes taken from Debra's personal experience, comical illustrations and like so many self-help books follow the Pareto Principle of 80/20. Most of the important tips/reminders can be found in bullet points encased in boxes where you can photocopy, cut out and keep in your wallet/purse/what-have-you for quick reference if you forgot the lessons and need a quick refresher.
I would recommend this book to those struggling with networking events or those having trouble keeping a conversation alive. Remember, there are people who are not born conversationalists... And this book will help them overcome this hurdle.
Small talk is the Icebreaker that clears the way for more intimate conversation, laying the foundation for a stronger relationship.
This book aims to teach you how to engage any individual in a meaningful conversation. It will also show you how to resuscitate a dying conversation and transition into new topics. It will share techniques to make you feel more at ease at networking events, parties and receptions. You can then use small talk to develop business friendships and be able to step out of a conversation with grace.
Debra Fine was once a shy engineer who kept mostly to herself and because of this, was passed up for a promotion to someone who was more peesonable. She later on opted to become a stay-at-home mom to take care of her 2 kids. Her husband filed for divorce and she found herself jobless with 2 mouths to feed.
Plato said "Necessity is the mother of invention", and so she had to reinvent herself. So she had to learn the Art of Small Talk... And master it, she did.
The book contains anecdotes taken from Debra's personal experience, comical illustrations and like so many self-help books follow the Pareto Principle of 80/20. Most of the important tips/reminders can be found in bullet points encased in boxes where you can photocopy, cut out and keep in your wallet/purse/what-have-you for quick reference if you forgot the lessons and need a quick refresher.
I would recommend this book to those struggling with networking events or those having trouble keeping a conversation alive. Remember, there are people who are not born conversationalists... And this book will help them overcome this hurdle.
November 17, 2020
I always have been that goofy guy in social events who cannot socialize; for the very first reason, I don't know how to start conversations and keep them going, so usually, I just stand in the corner with the hope to return to my comfort place. My introversion is another aspect that holds me back from opening up to strangers.
Considering these facts, I started this book with the hope that maybe, or, just maybe I can learn something I am terribly bad yet and Improve that part. Honestly, I am skeptical about everything that this buy 'tried' to teach me. I am going to keep in mind some of the effective learnings but I will know their impact whenever I will found myself in any social event.
Just to make it clear, whatever I am saying isn't about the book but my reluctance and stubbornness to not give myself a chance to know people better, my failures to build quality social bonds, and keeping them alive! This book is extremely practical and effective and I am going to make some notes to keep them with me to use them in whatever social interaction I may have in the future. Even if kinda out of my comfort, I got to give myself chance to overcome it.
I am feeling hopeful about it because when the author quoted “𝙏𝙝𝙚 𝙖𝙗𝙞𝙡𝙞𝙩𝙮 𝙩𝙤 𝙩𝙖𝙡𝙠 𝙚𝙖𝙨𝙞𝙡𝙮 𝙬𝙞𝙩𝙝 𝙖𝙣𝙮𝙤𝙣𝙚 𝙞𝙨 𝙖 𝙡𝙚𝙖𝙧𝙣𝙚𝙙 𝙨𝙠𝙞𝙡𝙡, 𝙣𝙤𝙩 𝙖 𝙥𝙚𝙧𝙨𝙤𝙣𝙖𝙡𝙞𝙩𝙮 𝙩𝙧𝙖𝙞𝙩.”, it made sense to me, and instead of blaming my personality for lack of my social and conversational skills, I can learn, implement, and practice some things from this book and see where things will go!
Recommending to people who suck at small talks and want to learn some ways to be a good conversationalist.
Considering these facts, I started this book with the hope that maybe, or, just maybe I can learn something I am terribly bad yet and Improve that part. Honestly, I am skeptical about everything that this buy 'tried' to teach me. I am going to keep in mind some of the effective learnings but I will know their impact whenever I will found myself in any social event.
Just to make it clear, whatever I am saying isn't about the book but my reluctance and stubbornness to not give myself a chance to know people better, my failures to build quality social bonds, and keeping them alive! This book is extremely practical and effective and I am going to make some notes to keep them with me to use them in whatever social interaction I may have in the future. Even if kinda out of my comfort, I got to give myself chance to overcome it.
I am feeling hopeful about it because when the author quoted “𝙏𝙝𝙚 𝙖𝙗𝙞𝙡𝙞𝙩𝙮 𝙩𝙤 𝙩𝙖𝙡𝙠 𝙚𝙖𝙨𝙞𝙡𝙮 𝙬𝙞𝙩𝙝 𝙖𝙣𝙮𝙤𝙣𝙚 𝙞𝙨 𝙖 𝙡𝙚𝙖𝙧𝙣𝙚𝙙 𝙨𝙠𝙞𝙡𝙡, 𝙣𝙤𝙩 𝙖 𝙥𝙚𝙧𝙨𝙤𝙣𝙖𝙡𝙞𝙩𝙮 𝙩𝙧𝙖𝙞𝙩.”, it made sense to me, and instead of blaming my personality for lack of my social and conversational skills, I can learn, implement, and practice some things from this book and see where things will go!
Recommending to people who suck at small talks and want to learn some ways to be a good conversationalist.
August 14, 2022
Tương đối hữu ích với nhiều cách để bắt đầu, khơi gợi trò chuyện với người lạ. Tác giả cũng đề cập tới một vài vấn đề xung quanh và cách giải quyết như cách rút lui lịch thiệp, gợi ý các chủ đề trò chuyện,... Tuy nhiên một vài câu hỏi gợi ý khá là khiên cưỡng cho một cuộc trò chuyện "small talk" vì khá là sâu và nghiêm túc. Nhìn chung thì với một đứa thường xuyên câm như hến như mình thì vẫn học được nhiều điều có ích.
Link note khi đọc: Notion
Link note khi đọc: Notion
April 9, 2020
به نظرم تو زمینه گفت و گو کتاب خوبی بود. مطابش واقعا کاربردی بودن، لزوما تمام مطالبش جدید نبودن اما یاد آوردی دوباره شون خالی از لطف نبود.
فوق العاده فوق العاده زیاد به درد جلسات و قرارهای کاری میخوره چون بخش بیشتر کتاب تو این زمینه بود.
خوبیش این بود که نمی گفت ادا دربیارید و آدمی بشید که نیستید، بلکه یاد می داد که تو شرایط خاص رفتار درست و غلط چیه.
واقعا راضیم از اینکه خوندمش.
فوق العاده فوق العاده زیاد به درد جلسات و قرارهای کاری میخوره چون بخش بیشتر کتاب تو این زمینه بود.
خوبیش این بود که نمی گفت ادا دربیارید و آدمی بشید که نیستید، بلکه یاد می داد که تو شرایط خاص رفتار درست و غلط چیه.
واقعا راضیم از اینکه خوندمش.
September 6, 2022
If you asked me 2-3 years ago how I felt about networking events, I’d tell you “love ‘em, piece of cake”. Now, after a pandemic and switching to remote work, I think we all have become a little rusty. It was time I got some practice.
I stumbled across this book among a “top 25 books for business professionals” list. Having understood my social game could use a top up after being secluded for so long, I dove in. I wish I spent my time with another book. My social skills could only have gone backwards with this one. Let me explain why below.
The author is an engineer. As an engineer myself I can only begin to describe the lack of social skills most of my kind have - and it is a bit of a stereotype. Really, any technical profession lacks in this department as they’re so bogged down with numbers and analytical data they soon start morphing into a computer themselves. If I were to choose an academic background to write this book, it’d probably be an MBA or something of this sort. On another note, the author also states she tried becoming a conversationalist after gaining some confidence and divorcing her husband. This left a bad taste in my mouth.
In a chapter on starting a conversation, the author gives some examples of opening lines, encouraging you to try them on a victim. I use “victim” because I feel sorry for the person who’s approached by someone and asked, “Presidential campaigns seem to start immediately after the inauguration. What do you think of the campaign process?”. Or, “If you had to pick someone to play you in a movie, who would it be and why?”. Yes, these are real examples from the book on lines the author suggests to use.
There is some useful stuff in here (obviously it’s not the example opening liners) - more so the useful tidbits are plagiarisms from Dale Carnegie’s ‘How To Win Friends And Influence People’. Seriously, just read that book instead of this one. You’ll gain far more insight into the world of socializing.
The last few chapters were confusing (I didn’t DNF, it was so short I had to finish. And I wanted to see what other hilarious open liners the author gave). One was on being single and mingling. It felt very out of place in a book on small talk in a professional setting. The author jumps into rants on dating, and how to navigate the scene. It had me laughing once again at the horrendous advice, one of them being “leave your phone in your car”. Yeah…don’t do that. Especially on a first date. I think what the author was trying to say was “don’t look at your phone while on a date”. Not “throw away your only lifeline to the outside world if the date goes bad”.
I can barely give this book a one star. Only reason I did is it gave a page or two of rip off advice from How To Win Friends and Influence People. Please read that book and not this one. The Fine Art of Small Talk will only set you back (far) with your socializing skills. I envision the talking points / opening lines being used in a prank show to make the viewers cringe from awkwardness.
I stumbled across this book among a “top 25 books for business professionals” list. Having understood my social game could use a top up after being secluded for so long, I dove in. I wish I spent my time with another book. My social skills could only have gone backwards with this one. Let me explain why below.
The author is an engineer. As an engineer myself I can only begin to describe the lack of social skills most of my kind have - and it is a bit of a stereotype. Really, any technical profession lacks in this department as they’re so bogged down with numbers and analytical data they soon start morphing into a computer themselves. If I were to choose an academic background to write this book, it’d probably be an MBA or something of this sort. On another note, the author also states she tried becoming a conversationalist after gaining some confidence and divorcing her husband. This left a bad taste in my mouth.
In a chapter on starting a conversation, the author gives some examples of opening lines, encouraging you to try them on a victim. I use “victim” because I feel sorry for the person who’s approached by someone and asked, “Presidential campaigns seem to start immediately after the inauguration. What do you think of the campaign process?”. Or, “If you had to pick someone to play you in a movie, who would it be and why?”. Yes, these are real examples from the book on lines the author suggests to use.
There is some useful stuff in here (obviously it’s not the example opening liners) - more so the useful tidbits are plagiarisms from Dale Carnegie’s ‘How To Win Friends And Influence People’. Seriously, just read that book instead of this one. You’ll gain far more insight into the world of socializing.
The last few chapters were confusing (I didn’t DNF, it was so short I had to finish. And I wanted to see what other hilarious open liners the author gave). One was on being single and mingling. It felt very out of place in a book on small talk in a professional setting. The author jumps into rants on dating, and how to navigate the scene. It had me laughing once again at the horrendous advice, one of them being “leave your phone in your car”. Yeah…don’t do that. Especially on a first date. I think what the author was trying to say was “don’t look at your phone while on a date”. Not “throw away your only lifeline to the outside world if the date goes bad”.
I can barely give this book a one star. Only reason I did is it gave a page or two of rip off advice from How To Win Friends and Influence People. Please read that book and not this one. The Fine Art of Small Talk will only set you back (far) with your socializing skills. I envision the talking points / opening lines being used in a prank show to make the viewers cringe from awkwardness.
December 14, 2023
Not bad at all! I began this book with very low expectations, but it was pretty good. I wished I had read this a few years ago, because some of the mistakes mentioned in this book cost me friendships and connections. I have a tendency to introduce negative events and emotions into my conversations too easily and sometimes talk too much about myself or interests at the detriment of the other person who probably yearns more to be listened to. Still balanced interactions have been far and few in between to find, but not impossible, and they're always a great source of joy. Open-ended questions are also something I've only learned this year from my boyfriend, who is a great conversationalist. I hope to keep learning as I practice from here onwards.
December 24, 2022
1-7-17
I'm an introvert!! I admire people who are able to talk to anyone and keep a conversation going. This book is very helpful. I have learned that I'm actually not terrible at small talk, but I have plenty of room to improve. I've practiced my new skills on a few unsuspecting strangers, acquaintances and family members. I had the longest and most informative conversation I've ever had with my 12-year-old son who is not usually aware of the world around him, using my new skills. This may be a book to buy and underline and reference.
Small talk is the verbal equivalent of that first domino: It starts a chain reaction with all kinds of implications for your life. p11
I'm an introvert!! I admire people who are able to talk to anyone and keep a conversation going. This book is very helpful. I have learned that I'm actually not terrible at small talk, but I have plenty of room to improve. I've practiced my new skills on a few unsuspecting strangers, acquaintances and family members. I had the longest and most informative conversation I've ever had with my 12-year-old son who is not usually aware of the world around him, using my new skills. This may be a book to buy and underline and reference.
Small talk is the verbal equivalent of that first domino: It starts a chain reaction with all kinds of implications for your life. p11
June 28, 2023
Good books for introverts, who want to do small talk to strangers, it give a small idea about conversation.
March 6, 2021
Good advice on how to gracefully exit conversations.
May 13, 2014
Learning how to small talk is probably one of the most important skills that everyone overlooks. This is something that should be taught in schools but won't because their too worried about standardized testing all the time. If you were to recount the number of times you've been to a social event and found the other person to be quite rude in their social and conversation skills then you are not alone.
Debra Fine explains in this little book of hers that learning how to small talk with others can open doors into other worlds that might never have been possible before because you took the time to listen and relate to what the other person was saying. These are not simple or easy skills to learn because if they were, everyone would be jumping at attending social functions every night. But how often do you find your nights filled with nothing to do at home? People who learn the skills in this book and take it to the next level realize the world of opportunities that are out there every night. Their nights become filled with event functions and networking groups that expand their inner social circle.
There is something else that changes when you learn the fine art of small talk and that is, you bring in more job prospects into your life. If you look at the number of people who have mastered the skills taught in this book, they are the ones you meet at these social functions who show a genuine interest in what you have to say but not only that they make your stories and experiences something they can relate to that makes you want to talk with that person more. There is no secret in what they are doing to you, they have simply learned the art of active listening and relating.
Small talk starts off with all the things your parents taught you as a kid that has done damage to your understanding of what it means to become a social person. Parents need to stop telling their kids to not talk to strangers because that is the first bad habit that kids pick up and take with them into adulthood. If you have been told not to talk to strangers and then one day you graduate from high school and then told to go talk to strangers, what happens? Confusion happens. You were never taught the skills of how to do that and now you are told you have to be amazing in interviews and social events? Kids naturally want to talk with anyone who will listen to them and if you learn to cultivate those skills instead of killing them, then your kid will grow up to be quite the people person that everyone wants to be connected to.
The remaining part of the book goes into different ways of starting a simple conversation with various questions and comments you can memorize to help you get started. The book also covers different situations you will be required to talk in, weddings, company events, parties, singles events, and so on. Learning to speak with others shouldn't be hard, especially if you just take the time to listen to what other people have to say instead of worrying about what you plan to say next.
If you want to get better at talking with people, you have to get over your fear of talking to strangers, so the next time you are on the bus, in an elevator, or at a public event, smile and say hi to anyone that looks at you. You will be surprised at how just acknowledging another person can transform that individual into someone that is just looking to be validated and wanting someone else to talk with. But always keep in mind that you want to meet new people as well and not take up others time, so mingle, talk, mingle and talk some more. You might be surprised at the new opportunities that open up in your life from just that simple act of acknowledging someone else's existence.
Debra Fine explains in this little book of hers that learning how to small talk with others can open doors into other worlds that might never have been possible before because you took the time to listen and relate to what the other person was saying. These are not simple or easy skills to learn because if they were, everyone would be jumping at attending social functions every night. But how often do you find your nights filled with nothing to do at home? People who learn the skills in this book and take it to the next level realize the world of opportunities that are out there every night. Their nights become filled with event functions and networking groups that expand their inner social circle.
There is something else that changes when you learn the fine art of small talk and that is, you bring in more job prospects into your life. If you look at the number of people who have mastered the skills taught in this book, they are the ones you meet at these social functions who show a genuine interest in what you have to say but not only that they make your stories and experiences something they can relate to that makes you want to talk with that person more. There is no secret in what they are doing to you, they have simply learned the art of active listening and relating.
Small talk starts off with all the things your parents taught you as a kid that has done damage to your understanding of what it means to become a social person. Parents need to stop telling their kids to not talk to strangers because that is the first bad habit that kids pick up and take with them into adulthood. If you have been told not to talk to strangers and then one day you graduate from high school and then told to go talk to strangers, what happens? Confusion happens. You were never taught the skills of how to do that and now you are told you have to be amazing in interviews and social events? Kids naturally want to talk with anyone who will listen to them and if you learn to cultivate those skills instead of killing them, then your kid will grow up to be quite the people person that everyone wants to be connected to.
The remaining part of the book goes into different ways of starting a simple conversation with various questions and comments you can memorize to help you get started. The book also covers different situations you will be required to talk in, weddings, company events, parties, singles events, and so on. Learning to speak with others shouldn't be hard, especially if you just take the time to listen to what other people have to say instead of worrying about what you plan to say next.
If you want to get better at talking with people, you have to get over your fear of talking to strangers, so the next time you are on the bus, in an elevator, or at a public event, smile and say hi to anyone that looks at you. You will be surprised at how just acknowledging another person can transform that individual into someone that is just looking to be validated and wanting someone else to talk with. But always keep in mind that you want to meet new people as well and not take up others time, so mingle, talk, mingle and talk some more. You might be surprised at the new opportunities that open up in your life from just that simple act of acknowledging someone else's existence.
November 23, 2022
What I liked
Debra Fine is an engineer-turned-small-talk-specialist. She's the perfect person to explain small talk in a way that engineers can understand. She individually analyzes the components of casual social interaction: choosing the right person to talk to, how to break the ice, how to demonstrate that you are listening, what to say about yourself, how to handle "awkward" pauses, how to exit gracefully, and many steps in between.
Fine emphasizes morals. This is not a book of quick and dirty tricks. She explains that carrying your conversational weight is work, and that sincere interest in the other person is as essential as it is un-feignable.
Her two biggest pieces of advice are (1) "take the risk" to start a conversation despite the possibility of rejection, and (2) "assume the burden" of making everyone else feel happy and comfortable. There is a certain tragedy of the commons in conversation: people often assume that someone else will handle making eye contact with the speaker, coming up with new topics to fill silences, and so forth. Fine's advice is to assume the burden: be the host, be the leader.
I particularly liked the chapter on "The Graceful Exit." The importance and techniques of properly ending a conversation are not something that I've read about before.
What I didn't like
Organization. I get the impression that Fine loosely ordered some existing documents and then stapled them into a book. The chapter called "Keep the Conversation Going!" is entirely about starting conversations, not keeping them going. Also, the beginning of chapter 12 ("Make the Most of Networking Events!") seems drawn verbatim from a pamphlet advertising her seminars. Fortunately, the book doesn't suffer much from this style of organization—each piece of advice is fairly self-contained.
There's not much in this book about deepening friendships. It focuses on business networking. When the final objective is making a sale or maintaining a contact, there is little need for a deep connection. Fine does mention that conversation is like "peeling an onion"—you should match the vulnerability of your disclosures to that of your partner—but doesn't offer advice about what to do if you want to encourage an intimacy.
Debra Fine is an engineer-turned-small-talk-specialist. She's the perfect person to explain small talk in a way that engineers can understand. She individually analyzes the components of casual social interaction: choosing the right person to talk to, how to break the ice, how to demonstrate that you are listening, what to say about yourself, how to handle "awkward" pauses, how to exit gracefully, and many steps in between.
Fine emphasizes morals. This is not a book of quick and dirty tricks. She explains that carrying your conversational weight is work, and that sincere interest in the other person is as essential as it is un-feignable.
Her two biggest pieces of advice are (1) "take the risk" to start a conversation despite the possibility of rejection, and (2) "assume the burden" of making everyone else feel happy and comfortable. There is a certain tragedy of the commons in conversation: people often assume that someone else will handle making eye contact with the speaker, coming up with new topics to fill silences, and so forth. Fine's advice is to assume the burden: be the host, be the leader.
I particularly liked the chapter on "The Graceful Exit." The importance and techniques of properly ending a conversation are not something that I've read about before.
What I didn't like
Organization. I get the impression that Fine loosely ordered some existing documents and then stapled them into a book. The chapter called "Keep the Conversation Going!" is entirely about starting conversations, not keeping them going. Also, the beginning of chapter 12 ("Make the Most of Networking Events!") seems drawn verbatim from a pamphlet advertising her seminars. Fortunately, the book doesn't suffer much from this style of organization—each piece of advice is fairly self-contained.
There's not much in this book about deepening friendships. It focuses on business networking. When the final objective is making a sale or maintaining a contact, there is little need for a deep connection. Fine does mention that conversation is like "peeling an onion"—you should match the vulnerability of your disclosures to that of your partner—but doesn't offer advice about what to do if you want to encourage an intimacy.
February 1, 2017
Đối tượng người đọc: từ bỏ nỗi sợ (mở đầu) giao tiếp, người bị động, người muốn xây dựng mối quan hệ.
Small Talk có vai trò rất lớn trong kết nối giữa con người. Small talk không là thảo luận nghiêm túc nhưng tuyệt đối không phải là gossip, chit chat. Giá trị của nghệ thuật Small talk nằm ở lợi ích của người giao tiếp nhận được: cả 2 ít nhất đều đạt được nhu cầu giao tiếp - những thông tin, kinh nghiệm cá nhân, sự thỏa mãn về chia sẻ đều phân phối đều cho cả 2 nếu họ nắm bắt được những quy tắc cơ bản trong giao tiếp.
Sách trình bày khá rõ ràng theo mô hình self-help:
1. Lợi ích skills
2. Tâm pháp
3. Cách triển
Cũng như How to Win Friends and Influence People, Never Eat Alone: And Other Secrets to Success, One Relationship at a Time, sau khi đọc xong hãy quên hết kiến thức có trong sách hoặc nhiều nhất chỉ cần nhớ "tâm pháp". Đỉnh cao vẫn là hư chiêu. Ngoài ra, nếu cứ chăm chăm vì lợi ích #1 bạn hiện nguyên hình là người vụ lợi, không thể tin tưởng; nếu quá máy móc theo #3 thì bạn rất nhàm chán.
Nên đọc trong tâm thế là người nghe và hình dung một người đang trò chuyện với bạn, áp dụng những mảng miếng trong sách khi đọc đến.
Bản dịch tệ hại. Những ví dụ tác giả đưa ra đều được dịch thành văn viết, hoàn toàn không thể bê nguyên xi ra sử dụng ngay trong cuộc sống.
April 3, 2023
This book is excellent. I would say 4.75 stars, rounded up to 5. It was a quick and easy read with many useful tips (I especially liked the section about conversation criminals). I see myself buying or rereading this in the future. I'd recommend it for anyond who feels uncomfortable or out-of-practice with small talk. In a time of less and less face-to-face contact, I believe it's worthwhile for everyone younger than 40 to practice small talk on purpose.
October 9, 2020
A quick, worthwhile read. I learned some of these tips on my own subconsciously but never formally thought through techniques to improve my conversational skills. The delivery was a bit confusing at times, but the content was very helpful.
April 18, 2024
Being good at small talk is a matter of finding good conversation topics and practicing. While the guidance is simple, it is difficult to do. This book provides plenty of conversation starters (like "tell me about your family" instead of "are you married").
March 2, 2024
If you are dying at conferences and networking events like me, this is a wondeful book for you. Its rather a collection of common sense advise with precisely zero sources, but it does arm you with some good tools and approaches to survive these social functios.
January 31, 2019
A great book with lots of tips to help you become more confident in social situations. The do and don't lists were a little overwhelming, but other than that this was very informative.
January 10, 2022
Generic and feels outdated. Was expecting secret sauce although maybe there is no secret sauce...
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