Give ‘em the Ax by the great Erle Stanley Gardner’s popped up in my Kindle suggestions… been awhile, and I clicked to secure it. A nice way to close the year out —with a Cool & Lam caper. The irrepressible Bertha Cool, a 165 lb force of nature and her diminutive partner -Donald Lam, suave, cool, collected —the brains in the detective agency.
Donald makes a surprise return from the war in the Pacific -indefinite leave from the Navy due to malaria induced fatigue. “old familiar surroundings took me back to that first day when I’d made that same journey, looking for a job. At that time, the sign on the door had read, b. cool, confidential investigations. Now it read, cool & lam, with the name b. cool in one corner, and donald lam down in the other. — Elsie Brand was pounding the keyboard of the typewriter. I saw the expression jerk off her face. Her eyes widened. “Donald!” “Hello, Elsie.” “Donald! My, I’m glad to see you. Where did you come from?” “South Seas, and various places.” “How long are you . . . When do you have to go back?” “I don’t.” “Not ever?” “Probably not. Bertha in there?” “How is she?” “Same as ever.” “How’s her weight?” “Still keeping it at one hundred sixty-five, and hard as barbed wire.” “Making any money?” “She did for a while, and then she got in sort of a rut.” — “Elsie, I’ve told you to talk with clients only long enough to find out what they want, then call me. I’ll do the talking for the outfit.” —“For God’s sake . . . a friend! . . . A . . . Well, I’ll soon fix that!” She flashed a swift look to get my bearings, then came barging down on me like a battleship trying to ram a submarine. Halfway there, her eyes managed to get the message to her angry brain. “Why you little devil!” For a moment she was glad to see me, then you could see her catch herself. — “It’s a wonder you wouldn’t send a wire.” I used the only argument that would impress itself on Bertha’s mind. “Wires cost money.” — “Come on, Donald, get in the office and tell me what this is all about.” Bertha looked me over, said, “You’ve toughened up, Donald.” “I’ve been toughened.” “What do you weigh now?” “A hundred and thirty-five.”
How’s business? “ I said, “Perhaps you don’t make the people feel comfortable.” Bertha’s eyes glittered angrily. “Why the hell should I? We paid a hundred and twenty-five bucks for the chair to do that. If you think I’m going to squander a hundred and twenty-five dollars just in order to . . .” She broke off in midsentence. -“Get out of that chair. She’s coming in.” “Who?” “Her name’s Miss Georgia Rushe. She’s coming in. She . . .” “Mrs. Cool will see you immediately.” —The client, Georgia Rushe. Bertha Cool beamed at her and said in a voice that dripped sweetness, “Won’t you be seated, Miss Rushe?” The way she looked at me you’d have thought she was about to turn and run out of the office. Bertha said hastily, “This is Donald Lam, my partner.” Miss Rushe said, “Oh!” -turning to Miss Rushe, “do you want me to sit in on this?” Georgia Rushe smiled at me, said, “I think I’d like to have you sit in on it,” and walked over and settled herself in the big chair. I scribbled a note to Bertha Cool. “Quit being so eager. People want results. No one wants to hire a big-boned woman detective who’s all sticky with sweetness.” Bertha’s face got red. She crumpled the note, slammed it in the wastebasket, glowered at me. “Okay, Miss Rushe,” I said casually, “what’s your trouble?” Bertha remembering my note jerked herself back into character and said abruptly, “To hell with that stuff. What’s on your mind?” “To begin with,” Georgia Rushe said determinedly, “I’m a home wrecker.” “So what?” “Got enough money to pay our bills?” Bertha asked. “Yes, of course, otherwise I wouldn’t be here.” Bertha said grimly, “Go ahead and wreck ’em all you want, dearie. What do you want us to do? Scout out good homes for you to wreck? We can do it.”
Donald Lam’s back. “Don’t bother about it. I’ll take over on this.” “What are you going to do?” “Consult the Bureau of Vital Statistics, get whatever dope is available on the present Mrs. Crail, find out where she lived before she was married, make an investigation there, find out where she lived before that, try to find out why her sudden interest in the Stanberry Building.” I was picking up the the threads of life where I’d dropped them. I drove out to the address on Latonia. -Maplegrove Apartments, and a notice stating there was no vacancy.” Chat em up. “The manager a fleshy woman somewhere around forty — At the start, she was as belligerent, and looked as formidable, as a big tank. Then I smiled at her and, after a moment, she smiled back. —“Begley, Irma Begley.” “She used to live here. She got married.” — she must have given some references?” “Oh, yes.” “Suppose we could look them up?” “Just what was your name?” she asked. I smiled at her and said, “You won’t believe me.” “Why not?” “It’s Smith.” “I don’t.” “People seldom do.” “Won’t you come in, Mr. Smith?” “Won’t you sit down, Mr. Smith?” “Thanks.” I offered her a cigarette. She took one and I held a match. — Irma Begley. She lived at 392 South Fremington Street before she came here.” “Give any references?” I asked. “Two. Benjamin C. Cosgate, and Frank L. Glimson.” A telephone book showed me that Benjamin C. Cosgate was a lawyer, Frank Glimson was a lawyer, and there was a firm of Cosgate & Glimson, Attorneys. —I looked at the Register of Actions, Plaintiff, -there it was: Irma Begley versus Philip E. Cullingdon. There was a neat little complaint, a demurrer, an amended complaint, a demurrer to an amended complaint, and a notice of dismissal. Attorneys for the plaintiff were Cosgate & Glimson. Plaintiff prayed judgment in an amount of fifty thousand dollars and for her costs of suit incurred herein. The suit had been filed on the thirty-first day of March 1943. -I looked in the telephone book for Philip E. Cullingdon. I found him listed as a contractor and made a note of his residence.”
Afternoon Rendezvous. “The Rendezvous idea had swept the country like a plague. Night clubs built up a fine afternoon trade, catering to women between thirty and forty who wanted romance. -a nice racket for the night clubs who found themselves suddenly catering to a very profitable afternoon business— The Rimley Rendezvous kept open and, as nearly as I could tell, there were no restrictions, which was interesting -an atmosphere of clandestine class, coupled with security and stability. “Cigars—cigarettes?” I turned around and got an eyeful. She was about twenty-three with a skirt that stopped two or three inches before it reached her knees, a fancy white apron, a blouse with wide, flaring collar and a low V in front. -expense money for a package of cigarettes ostensibly on the theory that I might open up a contact, actually because I was enjoying the scenery. She didn’t move away, but waited to strike a match for me. “Thanks,” I said. “It’s a pleasure.” -didn’t see any women who would have fitted the description and the part. Anemic, female droops didn’t go in for afternoon romance. There wasn’t any use losing any sleep over it. I had a routine chore of detective work at ten bucks per day, and there was no occasion to use a lot of finesse.” —
An idea and a call back to Elsie at the office. “I’m at the Rimley Rendezvous. I want to get a line on a woman here. Take a look at your watch. Wait exactly seven minutes, then call the Rendezvous and ask if Mrs. Ellery Crail is here. Wait until they go to get her and then hang up.” -said something to the woman and she got up and excused herself. At first I couldn’t believe it. Then I saw from the way she walked as she headed towards the telephone. There was a little one-sided hitch to her gait. She wasn’t any anemic little milksop. She was all woman, and she knew it. I looked at the man who was with her. He was a tall drink of water with all the robust sex magnetism of a marble slab. He looked like a bank cashier with a passion for exact figures—on paper. You couldn’t picture him as getting enthusiastic over any others. She returned to the table. For all of the expression on their faces, they might have been discussing the National debt.” Another call to the office this time, Bertha. “Hello,” Bertha said. “Where the hell are you, lover?” “Down at the Rimley Rendezvous.” “Mrs. Ellery Crail is here with a man. I want to know who the man is. Suppose you stick around the outside, pick them up when they come out.” —
“Cigars—cigarettes?” I turned and looked at the legs. “Hello,” I said. “I just bought a pack of cigarettes. Remember? I don’t use them up that fast.” “Buy another one. You seem to enjoy the scenery, —“You’re Donald Lam, aren’t you?” she asked, striking a match. “Leaving?” “No.” She said, “Then for Heaven’s sake, circulate! Pick up some of these women who are looking you over with purring approval. The way it is now, you stand out like a sore thumb.” — I was still worried about how the cigarette girl had learned my name. —a tap on the shoulder. “I beg your pardon, sir.” “What rule have I violated now?” I asked. “Nothing, sir. But the manager asked me to present his compliments and ask you to join him for a few moments. It’s quite important.” He said, “Mr. Lam for you, sir,” and retired, pulling the massive door closed behind him. My name is Rimley. I own the place. -your present visit interests me.” “But how did it happen you knew who I was?” “Put yourself in my position. In order to run a place like this, one has to be on the black side of the ledger. One has to make money.” —“Before you enlisted in the Navy, you’d made quite a name for yourself, a little guy with guts—guts and brains; a daring operator who played a no limit game and always brought his clients out on top. -Have you ever noticed, Lam, that the persons who talk about what they’re going to do very seldom do what they say they’re going to do? I never talk about what I’m going to do. I do it. And, above all, I wouldn’t be so foolish as to tell you what I was going to do to keep you from being a regular visitor.” I also wondered if Pittman Rimley’s aversion to private detectives might not be due, at least in part, to the fact that he may have had some idea that a sale of the building in which his club was located was in process of negotiation—and did his lease have a clause that changed its terms in the event the premises were sold? The watch said four-thirty. I did mental arithmetic. It couldn’t have been that late. — waited until Rimley was looking at something else then flashed my eyes back for a quick glance at the face of the clock. The time was four thirty-two. —“I suppose you’d prefer I didn’t go back to my table.” “Go right ahead, Lam. Make yourself at home. Enjoy yourself. Relax. Have a good time. And when you leave, don’t bother about the check. Just get up and walk out. There won’t be any check. But don’t . . . come . . . back!” I looked at my watch. The time was three forty-five. It was four twenty-three when I got to the office.”
Ok -you got the set up, you know the time? You’ve had a taste of Cool & Lam -operators. It’s a twisted caper, but Donald will decipher it. And more of my highlights are visible if you choose to look. I suggest though you cut off a piece of that cake —read the book, find how the ax falls… and look out for the ambulance chasers…
🥳 Happy New Year! We’re on to 2025, so many books, so little time…