*taps microphone*
Is this thing on?
Okay, good.
*I PTERODACTYL SCREECH INTO THE MIC, BURSTING ALL YOUR EARDRUMS AND CAUSING IMMENSE PAIN*
I had to get on my computer to write this review because there was no way I could be mentally deranged enough to type all of this out on my phone and format it, too. I HAD TO BOOT UP MY LAPTOP FOR THIS AND WAIT APPROXIMATELY ONE BILLION YEARS FOR IT TO DOWNLOAD ALL THE UPDATES. And I did it for this book series, because it deserves it.
This, right here, is the best enemies to lovers series I've read since The Cruel Prince. I genuinely thought no one could do it better than Cardan and Jude, but Eva and Jacks have come damn close. These books are like if Jude was 50% more idiotic and Cardan was 50% more evil. It shouldn't work, but somehow it DOES.
From the first moment I picked up Once Upon A Broken Heart, I was questioning things. First of all, the main female character has pink hair. Pink. The premise seemed incredibly obvious - she makes a deal with the Prince of Hearts, who conveniently happens to be otherworldly gorgeous but also mercurially evil, with a kiss that is deadly to all but his true love. Whomst could that be, I wonder? I hear you sighing. BUT DON'T FALL INTO THE TRAP! These books are actually insanely good, and my mind ended up blown by the time I finished the first book. And then The Ballad of Never-After was somehow ten times better?! I think if these books were by any other author, they would have been as trite as I've made them sound in that little summary above. But Stephanie Garber infuses SO much magic and fairytale-esque whimsicality into The Magnificent North that somehow it. just. works.
Evangeline, who in other books would be annoying af for how many ridiculous near-death situations she gets herself into and her relentless, gullible optimism and hope for a happily-ever-after, is somehow endearing in this Disney princess setting. Jacks, who could so easily have been the tropiest character on earth, a cruel prince whose kisses are deadly and who enjoys toying with hearts, actually became the king of MY heart and is such a wonderfully fleshed out character (although I still need to know what the deal with the apples was). Some of the other characters are quite flat (Apollo, I'm looking at you, and don't even get me started on Marisol) but the enchanting fairytale quality of these books is so powerful that it really doesn't matter. It's so rare to find a book series that you genuinely want to step inside and be part of because it's THAT beautiful, but the Magnificent North and all its different locations are just brimming with creativity, rich colour and life. My particular favourite location is The Hollow (how could it be anywhere else after THAT scene) and I was excited to open each book and look at the maps for where we'd be journeying next (and I screamed at the picture of the inn with the One Bed).
Jacks and Evangeline have one of the most addictive push-pull dynamics I've ever read - the sniping and banter was off the charts, and I genuinely could never tell whether he was out for himself or desperately in love with her, until the end of the second book where it became all too obvious - but then we were hit with that MONSTROSITY OF A CLIFFHANGER. It's been too long since a line from a book character had me rolling around in paroxysms of delight, but it happened so much with Jacks that I can't even count all the moments on two hands. I'm going to be self-indulgent and place some of my favourite quotes down below (they're mostly from him).
“If you think I'm jealous because someone else got to stab you, then you're right.”
~*~
“Stop flashing your fangs. I’m the only one who gets to bite her.”
~*~
"You're wasting your time, Little Fox." Jacks leaned against the doorway, clutching his side. "It's just a knife to the ribs."
"I suppose it's going to heal on its own?"
"Yours did."
"After you tended to them."
His mouth twitched up at the corner. "Only because I wanted to take off your clothes."
A vivid image of Jacks's hands on her skin flashed before her eyes.
~*~
“In the morning, you can forget it. You can go back to pretending you don't like me, and I can pretend that I don't care. But for tonight, let me pretend you're mine.”
She melted at the word mine. For a dizzying second, she couldn't think. She couldn't bring herself to pull away, and yet she couldn't tell him she would stay.
"If it's easier, you can pretend, too," he whispered. "You can pretend I'm still Jacks of the Hollow and that you want to be mine." His mouth pressed against her throat once more and slowly traced a blissful line up her neck, to her ear.
~*~
“That is not a small mistake to fix. If you do this, Time will take something equally valuable from you.”
The Fate gave the queen a look more vicious than any curse. “There is nothing of equal value to me.”
~
“Where were you?” she asked.
“I was killing innocent maidens and kicking puppies.”
“Jacks, that’s not funny.”
~*~
“Whatever it is, Jacks, you won't feel the same in a minute."
He swallowed hard and clenched his jaw. "You have no idea what I'm feeling now."
He looked at her lips, and the most tortured expression she'd ever seen crossed his face.
When Jacks wanted something, it was with an intensity that could break worlds and build kingdoms. That was the energy pouring off him now, as if he wanted to destroy her and make her his queen all at once.”
~*~
“You talk in your sleep,” he drawled. “You said my name—a lot.”
Evangeline felt a rush of heat crawl up her neck. “Obviously, I was
having a nightmare.”
“It didn’t look that way to me, Little Fox, and I was here all night.”
~*~
“You're good at this,' she murmured. 'Do you often travel with girls who've been flayed?'
That earned her a soft laugh. 'No.' Then quietly, as he ran a cloth along her lower back, just below the dip in her waist. 'Would you be jealous if I did?'
~*~
'So this is what you do when I'm not around?'
Evangeline felt the sudden urge to hide inside her wardrobe, but she tampered it down as she turned and met his gaze with a smile of her own. 'You think about what I do when you're not around?'
'Careful, Little Fox.' He took a step forward. 'You sound excited by the idea.'
~*~
She meant to say, For tonight, I'm yours, but all that came out was 'I'm yours.”
~*~
“Do you kiss the prince because you actually enjoy it?” Jacks asked. “Or is it because you honestly think it will magically revive him?”
“Maybe I do it because I know it will annoy you,” Evangeline answered archly.
Jacks flashed a smile that was far more wicked than welcoming. “Glad to know you’re thinking about me when you kiss your husband.”
~*~
“Was that really necessary?”
“No, but everyone should have their clothes ripped off at some point.”
~*~
“Can you at least try to smile?” she asked.
He flashed his teeth.
“That looks predatory.”
~*~
“And he loved her. He loved her. He loved her. He loved her. He loved her so much he’d rewritten history.”
~*~
“She was the moth and Jacks was still the flame.”
~*~
“This is a very bad idea,” Jacks murmured.
“I would have thought you liked bad ideas.”
“Only when they’re mine.”
~*~
“I didn't murder anyone last night.'
'You killed someone in front of me!'
'That wasn't murder. He was trying to kill you.”
~*~
“Yes, I am a murderer. I enjoy hurting people. I like blood. I like pain. I am a monster, but whether you remember it or not, I’m your monster, Evangeline."
~*~
“I’m not letting you leave. You said you were my monster. If you’re mine, why bring me here just to leave me? None of this makes sense."
He gritted his teeth. "Being yours does not make you mine."
~*~
“I already told you. You are the love of my life. You are mine, Jacks of the Hollow. And you’re not going to be the end of me.”
~*~
I could go on and on and cherrypick a thousand quotes from these books, but I'll stop for the sake of not maxing out the word count on this review. Suffice it to say that I adore this trilogy. I require ALL the special editions. I need ALL the merch. I need it tattooed on my heart with swords like Apollo in that hilarious scene in the first book. I LOVE THEM.