What do you think?
Rate this book
Polyamorous Advice You Won't Get from Your Monogamous Friends
From relationship advisor and non-monogamous guru Sam Cat comes this revolutionary guide to polyamory for newcomers. Discover practical and compassionate advice on sensitive subject matters like coming out as poly, opening your relationship for the first time, setting boundaries with partners and more. And, to answer your unspoken question—yes, there is a sex chapter. Orgies aside, this book offers an honest look into the reality of dating multiple partners and will equip you with foundational tools for navigating the less glamorous side of polyamory. Learn to overcome jealousy, support struggling partners and establish healthy communication. With Sam’s help, you’ll move beyond the limitations of traditional monogamy and be able to form fulfilling partnerships that last.
240 pages, Paperback
Published April 29, 2025
6 people are currently reading
57 people want to read
Ratings & Reviews
Friends & Following
Create a free account to discover what your friends think of this book!
Community Reviews
Displaying 1 - 6 of 6 reviews
October 22, 2025
I saw this and immediately found it interesting. I picked this up and read through it rather quickly today, skipping over the repetitive parts. I liked the tone the author opened with. They ask the reader to be open minded and come along on the journey with them. I was willing and enthusiastic to understand their perspective, and I’m glad I read this book. The author includes serial monogamy, or having multiple partners throughout your life, as a form of polyamory. Because of this their definition encompasses most of modern dating. Very tautological, repeating the point made in the previous chapters and expanding on it a bit. Not a whole lot of shocking revelations.
It seems a lot of the book is devoted to combatting natural human instincts. For example the author implores the reader to not be jealous or competitive. The author then pathologizes these feelings as social conditioning rather than natural inborn traits found in every human population, and suggests they are unhealthy. It doesn’t at all address polygamy or polygyny outright. But the implication is that these forms of social organization are inevitable.
There is no acknowledgement of the power of sex. Everything is couched in the language of egalitarianism. Yet who you choose to have sex/a relationship with, the act of choosing, is hierarchic, discriminatory, anti-egalitarian. All of the real and meaningful feelings and ideas surrounding sex and love, like possessiveness, are characterized as toxic. In other words polyamory is couched in the language and ideology of equity, equality and humanism, inheriting the lies and wishful thinking of this complex of ideas. The shallowness of the ideas was so disappointing. It requires you to accept all of the underlying assumptions/beliefs of the author in order to accept or be open to polyamory. Instead of accepting the normal feelings of jealousy and possessiveness, listening to your natural response, you have to inoculate yourself with whatever the author believes. Maybe polyamorous relationships are meant to come to an apocalyptic climax, but instead the author wants the participants to be sedated drones brave new world style. No passion, romance, energy, just be a dull boring person who is indifferent or just always happy, or bumbling with anger and frustration while doing breathing exercises in the corner. But you can never, EVER blow up in anger and murder suicide your polycule. That is totally unacceptable, not part of the discourse, evil, unhealthy, etc.
The one thing I could really relate to is the DADT (don’t ask don’t tell) idea. Basically in some of these relationships they are open but they just don’t tell each other about it to avoid jealousy. And I was thinking to myself if I was married to someone and they cheated on me I really wouldn’t want to know. I’d rather just live in ignorance rather than experience that kind of pain. But that’s “unethical” or whatever according to the author.
I really wanted to gain a deeper understanding of what the author believes and what polyamory is but it felt very underwhelming because it doesn’t address passion anger or hatred. It felt so inhuman, non-human, meant for someone who is depressed and desperate to cope. Maybe I would understand it better or change my mind if I had a relationship like this, or was dating/married someone who wanted to do that. I think a lot of the tone comes down to a difference in temperament. I wouldn’t say it was badly written but I can’t excuse the repetitions which felt like they were meant to fill space rather than reveal new insight on the topics discussed. Overall I would say the book made me more open to the ideas if that was what the author was trying to achieve. But the way they are discussed is so unrealistic it’s hard to imagine putting myself in their position.
It seems a lot of the book is devoted to combatting natural human instincts. For example the author implores the reader to not be jealous or competitive. The author then pathologizes these feelings as social conditioning rather than natural inborn traits found in every human population, and suggests they are unhealthy. It doesn’t at all address polygamy or polygyny outright. But the implication is that these forms of social organization are inevitable.
There is no acknowledgement of the power of sex. Everything is couched in the language of egalitarianism. Yet who you choose to have sex/a relationship with, the act of choosing, is hierarchic, discriminatory, anti-egalitarian. All of the real and meaningful feelings and ideas surrounding sex and love, like possessiveness, are characterized as toxic. In other words polyamory is couched in the language and ideology of equity, equality and humanism, inheriting the lies and wishful thinking of this complex of ideas. The shallowness of the ideas was so disappointing. It requires you to accept all of the underlying assumptions/beliefs of the author in order to accept or be open to polyamory. Instead of accepting the normal feelings of jealousy and possessiveness, listening to your natural response, you have to inoculate yourself with whatever the author believes. Maybe polyamorous relationships are meant to come to an apocalyptic climax, but instead the author wants the participants to be sedated drones brave new world style. No passion, romance, energy, just be a dull boring person who is indifferent or just always happy, or bumbling with anger and frustration while doing breathing exercises in the corner. But you can never, EVER blow up in anger and murder suicide your polycule. That is totally unacceptable, not part of the discourse, evil, unhealthy, etc.
The one thing I could really relate to is the DADT (don’t ask don’t tell) idea. Basically in some of these relationships they are open but they just don’t tell each other about it to avoid jealousy. And I was thinking to myself if I was married to someone and they cheated on me I really wouldn’t want to know. I’d rather just live in ignorance rather than experience that kind of pain. But that’s “unethical” or whatever according to the author.
I really wanted to gain a deeper understanding of what the author believes and what polyamory is but it felt very underwhelming because it doesn’t address passion anger or hatred. It felt so inhuman, non-human, meant for someone who is depressed and desperate to cope. Maybe I would understand it better or change my mind if I had a relationship like this, or was dating/married someone who wanted to do that. I think a lot of the tone comes down to a difference in temperament. I wouldn’t say it was badly written but I can’t excuse the repetitions which felt like they were meant to fill space rather than reveal new insight on the topics discussed. Overall I would say the book made me more open to the ideas if that was what the author was trying to achieve. But the way they are discussed is so unrealistic it’s hard to imagine putting myself in their position.
December 17, 2025
I really love this book. The content is useful both for both non-monogamous and monogamous folks, and the content is accessible without being too basic. I think this will be my new go-to first book I recommend when folks ask what polyamory books to read.
I found that the author's articulation of dealing with jealousy (and strategies to manage it) were especially strong. Their chapter on sex is useful, particularly for folks like me raised with more puritanical views. Finally, the chapter on BAES (boundaries, agreements, expectations, and support) is a useful way of binning solutions to conflict. BAES was discussed in my couples therapy, and it was probably my favorite resource during those sessions.
Overall, a great book, and I'll likely recommend it to my friends.
I found that the author's articulation of dealing with jealousy (and strategies to manage it) were especially strong. Their chapter on sex is useful, particularly for folks like me raised with more puritanical views. Finally, the chapter on BAES (boundaries, agreements, expectations, and support) is a useful way of binning solutions to conflict. BAES was discussed in my couples therapy, and it was probably my favorite resource during those sessions.
Overall, a great book, and I'll likely recommend it to my friends.
July 18, 2025
Easily the most practical poly book I’ve read so far. It’s grounded in the reality of the ENM dating & relationship scene, & it fully embraces messiness. This is a far cry from most of the other ENM content I’ve consumed, which tends to focus on an idealized version of ENM, leaving large gaps in advice & support.
I would whole-heartedly share this as my top recommendation for anyone looking to explore or learn more about ENM relationships.
However - this book could have used some better editing. A lot of words & phrases are used over and over again, and there’s an entire section on “fluid bonding” that I re-read multiple times, and I’m still not sure what the author meant to communicate.
Also, some of shared anecdotes demonstrate that the author is more comfortable with primary/secondary structures than many folks in ENM. And while that’s, of course, their prerogative - it’s worth being aware of as a reader consumes the rest of the advice. Add a small grain of salt to any advice that doesn’t quite resonate.
But overall - I’d highly recommend this practical and grounded book that invites all of us to love more expansively & with more community care.
I would whole-heartedly share this as my top recommendation for anyone looking to explore or learn more about ENM relationships.
However - this book could have used some better editing. A lot of words & phrases are used over and over again, and there’s an entire section on “fluid bonding” that I re-read multiple times, and I’m still not sure what the author meant to communicate.
Also, some of shared anecdotes demonstrate that the author is more comfortable with primary/secondary structures than many folks in ENM. And while that’s, of course, their prerogative - it’s worth being aware of as a reader consumes the rest of the advice. Add a small grain of salt to any advice that doesn’t quite resonate.
But overall - I’d highly recommend this practical and grounded book that invites all of us to love more expansively & with more community care.
July 15, 2025
While the advice is solid, it does little to offer to what the author advice to what the author would consider an existing “secondary”
June 22, 2025
One of the best 101-ish books I’ve read! Thorough, engaging writing. Easy-to-read, hard-to-put-down. Way to go Sam Cat :)
January 8, 2026
I flew through this book. it seems like a good part to the whole. it didn't thoroughly touch on everything I would imagine. but it gave good starting grounds and felt like a friend giving advice, not un-biased, sometimes a little too biased. overall a safe, good entry read as I explore non-monogamy!
Displaying 1 - 6 of 6 reviews