Grounded in Grace: Helping Kids Build Their Identity in Christ

by Jonathan D. Holmes

Grounded in Grace gives parents a guide to understanding how a child’s identity is formed in today’s world and why it leads to insecurity and confusion.

Children and teens face a tremendous amount of pressure from their peers and culture to find their identity in their activities, feelings, or performance. This modern way of looking at identity can be challenging to navigate for parents who grew up with a traditional view of identity rooted in predetermined roles. What if they could help their children and teenagers find their identity in something that never went away and never changed based on their ability or performance—an identity grounded in God’s grace?

Jonathan Holmes explores the five core areas of identity struggles most common to sports, academics, moralism, sexual orientation, and gender confusion. He provides parents with a biblical foundation to work from and practical tools to help their teen find their identity based on who God says they are.Encourages parents to play a crucial role in guiding their children through the challenges of identity formation, encouraging a reliance on a stable, God-given identity rather than conforming to external or internal pressures.Helps parents to engage in gospel-centered conversations with their children and teens, using reflection questions for self-examination.Readers will be guided in helping children and teens build their secure identity on the gospel of grace.

Genres: Parenting, Family, Nonfiction, Christian Living, Christian, Counselling

128 pages, Paperback

First published September 1, 2024

About the author

Jonathan Holmes serves as the pastor of counseling at Parkside Church in Ohio and is the founder and executive director of Fieldstone Counseling. He serves on the council board for the Biblical Counseling Coalition and is a frequent speaker at conferences and retreats. He graduated from The Master’s University with degrees in Biblical Counseling and History and has his M.A. from Trinity Evangelical Divinity School. Jonathan is the author of The Company We Keep: In Search of Biblical Friendship and has also written for The Gospel Coalition, Care Leader, Covenant Eyes, and Journal of Biblical Counseling. He and his wife, Jennifer, have four daughters, Ava, Riley, Ruby, and Emma. In his spare time, Jonathan enjoys traveling, reading, and gardening.

Reviews

[Lia Ross Reads · Rating 5 out of 5]

Grounded In Grace is an invaluable resource for parents, as well as youth pastors and Christian educators navigating the complexities of discipling children in today's rapidly changing society. Drawing from his wisdom as a biblical counselor, Jonathan Holmes equips readers with practical steps for helping their children root their identity in Christ alone. This book will be a source of strength for you as you parent.

[Lindsay · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is an excellent resource for parents, teachers and those in ministry to children and teens in our ever-changing culture. Holmes lays out two processes of identity formations, traditional (leaning on what one does, i.e. career, sports, academics) and modern (leaning on how one feels). Holmes offers a third option, a gospel-centered identity that relies on God's words that do not change! Holmes addresses the common arenas of identity formation (academics, athletics, moralism, gender and sexuality) for teens with gospel hope.

Holmes ends this book with a call to us, "...you will have significant sway in shaping how your child thinks about their identity. In fact, your voice is often one of the most formative voices in their life as they go through childhood, adolescence, and adulthood. With so much influence to steward, how can we as parents rightly serve as the Lord's ambassadors to our children? Speaking the words of the Lord, may we seek to share the good news of our identity that is not based on our performance or abilities or feelings, but solely based on the person and work of Jesus Christ, our Savior and Redeemer!" (p. 104)

I received a digital copy of the book from New Growth Press to write a review.

[Beth · Rating 4 out of 5]

This short book provides an overview of what it means to have an identity grounded in Christ, which is what God intends for us, and how that identity is countercultural in today’s feelings saturated worldview. The author addresses five key areas children and teens may grapple with as they seek to know who God has made them to be and how they are to glorify His name.
•Academic acumen
•Athletic performance
•Moralism and good works
•Gender identity
•Sexual orientation

I found the majority of this book helpful and practical for Christian parents and anyone who works with children in any capacity. My one wish for the book is that more reliable sources had been utilized for a Biblical perspective on gender and sexuality. I can’t endorse the viewpoints of Preston Sprinkle or Mark Yarhouse. Rather, I recommend readers consider the perspectives of Christopher Yuan and Rosaria Butterfield when seeking guidance on gender and sexuality from a Biblical worldview.

Thank you to the author and publisher for a gifted copy of this book. All opinions expressed in this review are entirely my own.

[Wagner Floriani · Rating 5 out of 5]

Just so thankful for this practical and thoughtful work. Identity formation is a fundamental dynamic in the Christian life, and Holmes marries beautiful theological truths with very specific and helpful application for parents. Student leaders and school teachers would benefit tremendously from a serious engagement with this book.

[Bailey T. Hurley · Rating 5 out of 5]

Yes! Anyone who has an elementary aged kid or older—order this book!

Grounded in Grace was a balm to many of my parental fears—where are my kids finding their true identity and how do I guide them to God’s truth? Holmes tactic is sincere and clear as he writes from a professional counseling and parenting perspective. He covers topics such as the insufficient influences of gender identity, performance identity, and even familial identity but, gives directives on how to replace these ideas with the sufficient message of the gospel.

[Angelique · Rating 4 out of 5]

I absolutely loved this so much! It has some very relevant examples of the challenges that children face these days when it comes to identity. I really enjoyed reading the strategies to help our kids through these things while remembering that it's our job to love our kids, not change them.

[Aaron · Rating 5 out of 5]

In my experience working directly with the youth in my church, I’ve observed the significant pressures they face—both in terms of performance expectations and the challenge of conforming to the culture. In Grounded in Grace, Jonathan D. Holmes writes on helping kids build their identity in Christ.

An Excellent Theology of Identity
While Grounded in Grace is primarily addressed to parents, it offers valuable wisdom for church youth workers and public school teachers, too. Holmes emphasizes that parents are God’s chosen ambassadors for the crucial task of shaping their children’s identities. He shows that children should not earn their identity from their parents (the traditional model) or create their identity themselves (the modern model). Instead, children can receive, not achieve, their identity in the Gospel of Christ.

This book offers an excellent theology of identity, drawing on Holmes’ extensive experience as Founder and Executive Director of Fieldstone Counseling, his pastoral service at Parkside Church and Parkside Green, his leadership at CCEF (Christian Counseling & Educational Foundation), and his teaching at Westminster Theological Seminary. He integrates scientific research and insights from professionals to support his arguments, but ultimately anchors his claims in the Bible.

Entrusting our Children to the Lord
I found the middle section of the book particularly practical, as it explores various areas where children develop their identities. Holmes offers sound guidance for parents, including the importance of reflecting on our own values regarding academics, prioritizing character development over academic achievement, collaborating with our children on expectations, and working through heart issues together. The additional chapters on athletics, and moralism/good works are well-written and informative.

The final section of the book addresses gender identity and sexual orientation. While these are huge topics, Holmes makes them manageable. I was most encouraged by Holmes’ advocacy for a balanced approach that avoids both underreaction and overreaction. He emphasizes the importance of engaging with compassion, committing to a long-term supportive presence, and ultimately entrusting our children to the Lord.

Rooted in the Gospel
I reflected on my own journey of identity while reading this book. As a millennial Asian American, I navigated both traditional and modern models of identity formation. Holmes has helped me see what a blessing it is that both of my parents pointed me to Christ. I hope I can do the same for my kids as well.

The book ends with an exhortation to serve our sons and daughters by speaking the words of the Lord and sharing the Good News. Grounded in Grace is a much needed book that tackles modern thinking with timeless truths, preparing us to do our best in keeping our children rooted in the Gospel.

I received a media copy of Grounded in Grace and this is my honest review.

[Jessica Bunce · Rating 5 out of 5]

“Grounded in Grace” is a necessary book for our day.

In this book Jonathan Holmes helpfully defines the various ways identity is formed (traditional vs modern) and argues the need for gospel identity formation instead.

In our day of moral relativism, parents are faced with myriad questions and challenges when addressing the problems their children and teens face. Will my child struggle with adopting an identity that comes from academics? Sports? Good works? Gender? Sexuality?

As parents, we are to shepherd our children’s hearts - and this book will help equip you to biblically ask and answer tough questions and provide gospel hope for your child. Whether you are a parent, teacher, grandparent, or friend, this book will aid you to become a beacon of light for the truth of the gospel in an ever increasingly dark world.

Read and be blessed.

*I received a digital copy of the book from New Growth Press to read and write a review.

[Kelly Herring · Rating 5 out of 5]

“…may we seek to share the good news of our identity that is not based on our performance or abilities or feelings, but solely based on the person and work of Jesus Christ, our Saviour and Redeemer!”

This beautiful line sums up this book so well. As Christians, our identity is found in Jesus— and the author did an excellent job of driving this point home. He gently but firmly outlines the ways we can be present for our children (“connecting not correcting”), listening to the issues they face in this crazy world we live in, and guiding them with Godly wisdom.

This will be a book/resource I’ll keep coming back to in the years to come as our kids get older!

[Elease · Rating 3 out of 5]

Here's a shallow thing that bothers me: easily corrected manuscript errors that make it into the final, published edition of a book. Listen, if the paid (I assume) editor(s) of a book can't be bothered to carefully read the entire text before publishing it, why should I? Such mistakes inherently diminish the presented value of what is being said. There were several such errors in this text. I did not note them down as I read, but I will give just one example from the conclusion since I just finished that: at the top of page 102 there is a misplaced quotation mark. And before people get bothered, note that I did acknowledge that this was a shallow thing. But it affects my reading!
Content-wise, there were some glimmering, helpful sections, such as the recurring idea of conveying to your children that they can't create or destroy love in you based on their actions or feelings. There were also sections that dragged on a bit, and I had to roll my eyes at the stereotypical ethnic names/situations used in the illustrative stories.
I will neither recommend nor not recommend this one. Read it if you want. It is only about 100 pages, so even if you don't love it, it's not a huge time commitment.

[Matthew Magee · Rating 5 out of 5]

Jonathan Holmes' "Grounded in Grade: Helping Kids Build Their Identity in Christ" is a helpful resource for every parent, youth pastors, grandparents, and everyone who influences kids and teens.

The author opens with the helpful reminder that every generation views identify formation from varying perspectives. He then contrasts traditional and modern identity-forming patterns before introducing a third "Gospel Way" rooted in Scripture. One asset to chapter one is Holmes' brief (maybe too brief) section: "How Modern Identity Makes Its Way into Our Homes and Families."

Sections two and three are incredibly helpful as the author applies the aforementioned principles to "I Am What I Do" with examples in academics, athletics, and good works, and "What I Feel" with case studies in gender and sexuality.

Holmes brings it all together by reminding parents of the most significant sway they have in helping children and teens form their identity. He helpfully focuses readers' minds on the stewardship responsibility influencers and teens have before the Lord Jesus Christ!

I really appreciate His gospel focus and desire to lead parents (and other influencers) to have confidence in conveying God's Word to their children.

(I received a digital copy of the book from New Growth Press to write a review.)

[Bobby Bonser · Rating 4 out of 5]

A helpful book that aids parents in thinking through how to talk to their kids (mostly pre-teen or teen) about difficult topics. Specifically, the book discusses an array of different places they can find their "identity" other than Christ and how to ask questions and patiently counsel them.

What I liked: The conversations were helpful and reminded me to be more patient as a parent and listen to my child, especially as they get older. Listening is not necessarily affirming their behavior, but simply trying to understand how they feel and why.

What I didn't: There was a little bit too much Psychobabble for me. He did bring it around to the gospel often, which was great, but the terms and diagrams were definitely from the world of counseling. I am a little more direct in my approach to applying the Bible to counsel.

Overall I think parents of teens will find this very helpful and thoughtful provoking, even if the patterns in the book aren't followed to a "T"

[Reader · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is a fabulous resource for parents. It's helpful in equipping parents to disciple their children in establishing their identity in Christ, rather than in things of this world. As a biblical counselor who works with children, I often find that the issue of identity is a root issue, which causes others as well. I'm excited to recommend this resource to parents!

[Kristi Kadlecek · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is one of those books every Christian parent needs to read and even read with your kids. I found it to be an accessible and beautiful encouragement of truth in confusing and chaotic times.

[Kristy Franklin · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is a really helpful resource . ❤️

[Isaac Shaw · Rating 5 out of 5]

An excellent resource for anyone working with children or teenagers!

[Brandon · Rating 5 out of 5]

Good book highlighting the different identities children (and adults) take on and how those can negatively affect their lives. Looks at the alternative of an identity as gods adopted sons and daughters.

[Jimmy · Rating 5 out of 5]

Really good primer, by no means exhaustive, the footnotes alone are worth the price of admission. A quick, worthwhile read.

[Patrick · Rating 2 out of 5]

It was fine. Nothing he said was wrong or heretical. I agree with the author that our identity is found in Christ and his finished work of Salvation. It's just not a book for me. I don't like books that paint everyone and every family with the same brush. For example, he treats all kids and families as surface level people who only want surface level things and books like this are the "deepest" thing people will ever want or have. I find that a bit of an indictment on western Christianity culture. We should want to pursue truth to a deeper level, but we're taught that fluffy books like this are enough and to take God's word as only pertaining to our middle class lives.The way that books like this talk is to vague and leaves readers with a false sense of profundity and then left to fill these areas in on their own in their lives. It's kind of like teaching someone how to ride a bike and the second they can keep their balance and ride 10 feet and then saying "you got this!" and they leaving them alone and then they think because they can do that their good enough to ride a steep downhill course.I also found his two options of "traditional" and "modern" identity to be vague and polarizing. I think that's by design to promote this "neutral" third way that was pioneered by guys like Tim Keller. I like Tim Keller. He was a huge voice for me when I was struggling with my faith at one point. But he was for a different time and Christians are still riding the coattails of his influence and need to move on (see my comments above about Christian culture in the west) . The two identities described are too caricaturized and find no nuanced description. For example he talks about children finding acceptance in their parents as the sole part of their identity. While I agree we all need to find our identity in Christ, why can we not just serve him after accepting that? He makes it seem like just serving your saviour as another chasing after identity and not a humble posture towards God. In other words it's just this endless hamster wheel of this same conversation and never arriving at Shalom rest.

[Pamela Cubas · Rating 5 out of 5]

In a world directing children to look within themselves for identity, which leaves them void of any stable and secure understanding of who they are, Grounded In Grace, by Jonathon Holmes, supplies caregivers, therapists, and other adults with foundational principles that assist them in pointing children to their Maker and a standard that never changes. Holmes confronts the culturally based messages children receive concerning their worth, value, and identity with the countercultural, biblically based, grace-filled gospel message that changes everything. Through helpful vignettes, he demonstrates plausible situations that often lead children to believe their identity is grounded in their performance, gender, or sexuality. However, he does not leave readers ill-equipped; he supplies practical tools for meeting children in their greatest need, which is to find who they are in Christ.

[Josh · Rating 3 out of 5]

This was a decent book with a good premise: parents need to help their kids find their identity in Christ. But the specific examples were short, not all that illustrative, and sometimes weak or unclear (for instance, the treatment of gender and sexuality was weak on any discussion of God's normative patterns for sexuality and the consequences for breaking God's laws. Yes, I wouldn't lead with that while counseling a troubled kid; but this is a book for parents, and without clarity on the larger biblical framework counsel lacks a target to aim at.) Perhaps one way of saying it is that the book tried to do too much or accomplished too little. Make it smaller, and cut the examples; or make it bigger, and treat them adequately.

[Emily Waits (emilylovesreading_) · Rating 5 out of 5]

{Thank you to @newgrowthpress for my gifted e-copy in exchange for an honest review.}

Written by an experienced Christian counselor, “Grounded in Grace” is a valuable resource for Christian parents, youth leaders, teachers, and counselors, longing for the children in their care to build their identities in Christ, first and foremost.

The author outlines several areas where individuals build their identities apart from in Christ, including: academic performance, athletic performance, moralism, gender, and sexual orientation. The book includes relevant research, biblical discussion, and practical applications on these topics and on discipling children as they struggle in these areas.

I’m grateful for this book and the wisdom shared within it.

Highly recommend!

[Joseph Hussung · Rating 5 out of 5]

Engaging in identity formation is more important now, in our current world, than it ever has before. Jonathan Holmes' book does a great job of walking through typical temptations for teenagers to form their identity around lesser things and how to engage them in a dialogue of where our identity should be grounded.

This is a perfect resource for parents, pastors, or anyone who regularly ministers too or interacts with teenagers!

[Lianna Davis · Rating 3 out of 5]

3.5 // The early half of this book communicates a very basic understanding of identity for children. If you have been in the church, taking regular part in gospel-centered worship services, I would surmise that the first several chapters are rather intuitive. The chapters on gender and sex were more helpful, and I would imagine that parents with children struggling with this set of issues would feel supported and guided by these chapters.

[Jodie Hansen · Rating 3 out of 5]

Contained solid Biblical truth, but was very therapeutic in nature which would make me hesitate to recommend it. I think it would be better for parents whose children are already struggling area, but for parents of other children, it could introduce topics that are not necessary. I also did not like the way that the author implicitly supported such terms as “cisgender.” As a therapist he was attempting to define terms, but as a Biblical teacher he should be condemning terms as speaking lies.

[Ethan Moehn · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is excellent and highly commendable to parents of today’s teens. Holmes is balanced, provides very helpful frameworks for conversation, and wisely shares his own experiences as a dad of teens. The format of the book was simple and I could read the whole thing in an evening.

[Betsy Hunter · Rating 5 out of 5]

Highly Recommend

Great counsel and very practical. This was recommended by Student Ministries Director at my Church. Great for those who engage with students.

[Emily Canterbury · Rating 4 out of 5]

Good book, I’m sure it would be more helpful to revisit when I have kids older than 3 😄

[Matt Witten · Rating 3 out of 5]

Helpful and has a couple really great chapters, just seemed a bit shallow/top level.

[Josh G. · Rating 5 out of 5]

Great little book to help parents navigate identity formation with their kids. Holmes does a great job providing context, clarity, and counsel for engaging our kids’ hearts.