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Too Much: A Guide to Breaking the Cycle of High-Functioning Codependency
An empowering new take on codependent behavior, revealing the underlying reasons we struggle with doing it all—and the path to recovery and freedom.
Are you the person everyone comes to when they’re in a jam?
Do you regularly accommodate others’ needs and preferences?
Does it feel like chaos will ensue if you don’t handle the travel plans, divvy up the check at group dinners, sort out your friend’s latest crisis, and so on?
If these questions resonate, the odds are good that you are one of the over-giving, over-extending individuals struggling with what psychotherapist and boundary expert Terri Cole has termed high-functioning codependency (HFC).
When you hear the word codependent, you might think of the traditional enabler framework involving a hapless victim and their selfless rescuer. Terri certainly did. But after years in her therapy practice, she realized that many of her clients were presenting codependent behaviors that fell outside of the classic model.
The ironic truth with HFC is that the more capable you are the more codependency doesn’t look like codependency.
In Too Much, you’ll discover how to identify your HFC blueprint (or why you relate to others the way you do), the source of the attraction between codependents and narcissists, and how to cultivate emotional resiliency, practice real self-care, and much more.
Each chapter includes tips, self-assessments, and exercises to help you transform how you see yourself and the world, avoid relapses, and stay centered in your own experience so that you can relate to others in a healthier way.
“How you feel, what you think, what you want matters. In fact, those things need to matter to you the most,” writes Terri. “By choosing the path of healing and recovery, you are coming home to yourself.” Here is a book for making the shift “from too much to just right,” so you can live a life that’s full of authenticity, freedom, and joy.
Are you the person everyone comes to when they’re in a jam?
Do you regularly accommodate others’ needs and preferences?
Does it feel like chaos will ensue if you don’t handle the travel plans, divvy up the check at group dinners, sort out your friend’s latest crisis, and so on?
If these questions resonate, the odds are good that you are one of the over-giving, over-extending individuals struggling with what psychotherapist and boundary expert Terri Cole has termed high-functioning codependency (HFC).
When you hear the word codependent, you might think of the traditional enabler framework involving a hapless victim and their selfless rescuer. Terri certainly did. But after years in her therapy practice, she realized that many of her clients were presenting codependent behaviors that fell outside of the classic model.
The ironic truth with HFC is that the more capable you are the more codependency doesn’t look like codependency.
In Too Much, you’ll discover how to identify your HFC blueprint (or why you relate to others the way you do), the source of the attraction between codependents and narcissists, and how to cultivate emotional resiliency, practice real self-care, and much more.
Each chapter includes tips, self-assessments, and exercises to help you transform how you see yourself and the world, avoid relapses, and stay centered in your own experience so that you can relate to others in a healthier way.
“How you feel, what you think, what you want matters. In fact, those things need to matter to you the most,” writes Terri. “By choosing the path of healing and recovery, you are coming home to yourself.” Here is a book for making the shift “from too much to just right,” so you can live a life that’s full of authenticity, freedom, and joy.
274 pages, Kindle Edition
First published October 15, 2024
About the author
Terri Cole
12 books124 followersI’m a global empowerment and relationship expert with a gift for making complex psychological concepts accessible and actionable.
My mission is to teach you how to attain and
sustain vibrant mental health and become
empowered in all of your relationships…
Starting with the one you have with yourself.
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 133 reviews
June 16, 2024
I greatly enjoyed this book, both as a therapist and the target audience! I found the writing style easy to understand and relatable, especially the “Loving Reminders” and anecdotes sprinkled throughout. What I appreciated most is that the author provided numerous actionable and accessible steps to enact her recommendations. As I read, I was disappointed that this was an ARC because I have so many people in my life- family, friends, and clients- that I want to recommend it to!
However, there are a few observations that did result in a lower rating. These are pretty specific to my background, but would result in me giving qualifiers to my clients before encouraging them to read the book.
I would have appreciated better clarification for the readers between codependency and the DSM diagnosis of Dependent Personality Disorder. I also feel that Narcissism was not adequately explained and with it being quite a buzzword that is misinterpreted on social media, it would be more therapeutically responsible to define it. I also very much disliked the use of “narc” as shorthand for narcissist, especially because “narc” has a substance use connotation. Additionally, I feel that the author unintentionally alienates part of the audience by focusing on female-identifying readers. HFCs can be male-identifying or nonbinary and an appropriate language shift would be easy to make.
Overall, this is a great book and one that I will be very excitedly adding to my office library and recommending! Thank you to the author, publisher, and NetGalley for providing an ARC for review.
However, there are a few observations that did result in a lower rating. These are pretty specific to my background, but would result in me giving qualifiers to my clients before encouraging them to read the book.
I would have appreciated better clarification for the readers between codependency and the DSM diagnosis of Dependent Personality Disorder. I also feel that Narcissism was not adequately explained and with it being quite a buzzword that is misinterpreted on social media, it would be more therapeutically responsible to define it. I also very much disliked the use of “narc” as shorthand for narcissist, especially because “narc” has a substance use connotation. Additionally, I feel that the author unintentionally alienates part of the audience by focusing on female-identifying readers. HFCs can be male-identifying or nonbinary and an appropriate language shift would be easy to make.
Overall, this is a great book and one that I will be very excitedly adding to my office library and recommending! Thank you to the author, publisher, and NetGalley for providing an ARC for review.
January 16, 2025
The utility in this book is 4*, but I knocked the overall score down, because Cole waaaaay overdoes affirmation for the reader. Not only does this annoy the living daylights out of me, but it is very counterproductive. More on that later.
The intro to this book was SUPER uncomfortable, because it emphasized so much that 1) the reader didn't do anything wrong (how can the author know this?) and is all about "self love" expounding on how caring for others needs to take a back burner to self care.
I recognize that the point of this book is to help those who have self-sacrificed their lives into misery, but that means there's not a balance in their life - not that it's absurd to consider someone else's needs before your own or not to "stay on your side of the street." She walks through this concept later and explains more of what she means. I agree with her insofar as when you want to force your unwanted, unsolicited help on others, you need to stay on your own side of the street. When you try to circumvent feelings others might feel at the sacrifice of your own well-being, you've tried to control what someone else may feel, which is absurd, impossible, etc. Yes.
To be fair, therapy talk and phrases really grind on me with their fluffiness - particularly when it's female to female, (i.e. self-healing, transformational journey, "coming home to your soul," beauty, richness, knowing yourself on a deeper level, "loving reminders," etc.) It kind of gags me, but I understand that's just a personal preference. I also really struggle with the self-promotion: "using my proven self-awareness techniques....this book is for YOU," and perhaps worst of all, "You're AMAZING, by the way." It all hit me like a wave of nausea.
There are a lot of great tools in this book, including framing references, how to reclaim hold of your own life, how to establish boundaries, and what to expect while you heal. I find a vast majority of her self-refection questions at the end of chapters particularly useful and productive. For these things alone, the book is certainly worth picking up. I mostly picked it up out of curiosity, and I certainly learned some things about myself and others. I definitely have some of the tendencies she shares - particularly in certain relationships.
I struggled with Cole's assertions on humility. She claims that we're taught to be humble so people will like us. (That was a completely unmentioned byproduct of why I was taught to be humble.) Later, Cole says she'd always chalked up her own success to luck, but her therapist pointed out that Cole had worked really hard. Cole then agreed that she had worked hard and added, "And I did it by myself." Really? The extremes here really put me off. Why does it have to be one end of the spectrum or the other?
Whether we choose to acknowledge God or not, He still has an enormous hand in our lives. Even for the atheist or agnostic, it is absurd to claim that any human did anything completely on our own. Nobody does everything in their lives themselves. We can work hard, have self-respect, humility, and awareness that we worked hard without claiming we did it ALL ourselves and without claiming it was all luck.
I agree with Cole that we can politely accept praise without being boastful or dismissive of the person offering it. This took a long time for me to learn, because I never struggled with self-esteem. In my youth, if someone offered a compliment, I just couldn't accept it. I felt like accepting was saying, "Yes, you're right! I'm awesome!" which was sooo uncomfortable. It took years to understand how to simply accept a compliment. And I still sometimes struggle with the discomfort of it.
Affirmation statements are not for me, and self-help books drown you in them. Why do therapy authors take it as a given that all of the readers of the their books are amazing and wonderful, etc.? While I realize that the book is geared towards a certain population of people, not everyone - not even all HFCs - thinks they're worthless before they pick up a self-help book, nor is everyone who picks up this type of book an awesome person.
Lastly, it drives me absolutely insane how women chronically over-validate other women, no matter what. In the author's case, even though you've never met and never will meet the reader! Cole gushes, "Remember how strong, capable, and loving you are!" What?! EVERY single woman is ALL of those things? No, we're not! Not even close! Those can be weaknesses also, but we can work on those too if they're recognized. Instead, it's all just glossed over as though it's a given. We (men and women) need to self-assess and judge where we are in all areas. Judgment on things we need to do better doesn't automatically equal self-condemnation.
It seems that nearly every female-written therapy book I read is does this - spends paragraphs telling the (presumably female) reader how amazing and wonderful and incredible they are as if there's nothing to fix except all the self-sacrificing they've been doing for other people. The reader is always the victim. While this book offers some great counsel on how to avoid people pleasing and gearing your life around other people, the freely given over-validation immediately causes these therapists to lose credibility.
Despite the cons, this is still a book I'd recommend to anyone who is miserable with their life or aspects of their life, because they consume themselves overdoing, overthinking, and over-worrying for others.
The intro to this book was SUPER uncomfortable, because it emphasized so much that 1) the reader didn't do anything wrong (how can the author know this?) and is all about "self love" expounding on how caring for others needs to take a back burner to self care.
I recognize that the point of this book is to help those who have self-sacrificed their lives into misery, but that means there's not a balance in their life - not that it's absurd to consider someone else's needs before your own or not to "stay on your side of the street." She walks through this concept later and explains more of what she means. I agree with her insofar as when you want to force your unwanted, unsolicited help on others, you need to stay on your own side of the street. When you try to circumvent feelings others might feel at the sacrifice of your own well-being, you've tried to control what someone else may feel, which is absurd, impossible, etc. Yes.
To be fair, therapy talk and phrases really grind on me with their fluffiness - particularly when it's female to female, (i.e. self-healing, transformational journey, "coming home to your soul," beauty, richness, knowing yourself on a deeper level, "loving reminders," etc.) It kind of gags me, but I understand that's just a personal preference. I also really struggle with the self-promotion: "using my proven self-awareness techniques....this book is for YOU," and perhaps worst of all, "You're AMAZING, by the way." It all hit me like a wave of nausea.
There are a lot of great tools in this book, including framing references, how to reclaim hold of your own life, how to establish boundaries, and what to expect while you heal. I find a vast majority of her self-refection questions at the end of chapters particularly useful and productive. For these things alone, the book is certainly worth picking up. I mostly picked it up out of curiosity, and I certainly learned some things about myself and others. I definitely have some of the tendencies she shares - particularly in certain relationships.
I struggled with Cole's assertions on humility. She claims that we're taught to be humble so people will like us. (That was a completely unmentioned byproduct of why I was taught to be humble.) Later, Cole says she'd always chalked up her own success to luck, but her therapist pointed out that Cole had worked really hard. Cole then agreed that she had worked hard and added, "And I did it by myself." Really? The extremes here really put me off. Why does it have to be one end of the spectrum or the other?
Whether we choose to acknowledge God or not, He still has an enormous hand in our lives. Even for the atheist or agnostic, it is absurd to claim that any human did anything completely on our own. Nobody does everything in their lives themselves. We can work hard, have self-respect, humility, and awareness that we worked hard without claiming we did it ALL ourselves and without claiming it was all luck.
I agree with Cole that we can politely accept praise without being boastful or dismissive of the person offering it. This took a long time for me to learn, because I never struggled with self-esteem. In my youth, if someone offered a compliment, I just couldn't accept it. I felt like accepting was saying, "Yes, you're right! I'm awesome!" which was sooo uncomfortable. It took years to understand how to simply accept a compliment. And I still sometimes struggle with the discomfort of it.
Affirmation statements are not for me, and self-help books drown you in them. Why do therapy authors take it as a given that all of the readers of the their books are amazing and wonderful, etc.? While I realize that the book is geared towards a certain population of people, not everyone - not even all HFCs - thinks they're worthless before they pick up a self-help book, nor is everyone who picks up this type of book an awesome person.
Lastly, it drives me absolutely insane how women chronically over-validate other women, no matter what. In the author's case, even though you've never met and never will meet the reader! Cole gushes, "Remember how strong, capable, and loving you are!" What?! EVERY single woman is ALL of those things? No, we're not! Not even close! Those can be weaknesses also, but we can work on those too if they're recognized. Instead, it's all just glossed over as though it's a given. We (men and women) need to self-assess and judge where we are in all areas. Judgment on things we need to do better doesn't automatically equal self-condemnation.
It seems that nearly every female-written therapy book I read is does this - spends paragraphs telling the (presumably female) reader how amazing and wonderful and incredible they are as if there's nothing to fix except all the self-sacrificing they've been doing for other people. The reader is always the victim. While this book offers some great counsel on how to avoid people pleasing and gearing your life around other people, the freely given over-validation immediately causes these therapists to lose credibility.
Despite the cons, this is still a book I'd recommend to anyone who is miserable with their life or aspects of their life, because they consume themselves overdoing, overthinking, and over-worrying for others.
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
July 6, 2025
Never thought of myself as a co-dependent not until I listened to Terri on a podcast and fell that this could be me.
As an overachiever driven person, this book opened my eyes to some of my dysfunctional behaviors !!
Highly recommend !
As an overachiever driven person, this book opened my eyes to some of my dysfunctional behaviors !!
Highly recommend !
May 26, 2025
This is a must needed and painful read book. I needed to hear this, no matter how painful the truth is.
It was hard not to be the obvious co dependent and think of someone else for this book. But once you turn it around on yourself, it shows you got work to do on yourself.
Highly recommend to listen on this book on audiobook the first time then on the second time read the physical or ebook copy. Take the time to do the journal prompts and really reflect on them.
So worth the read.
It was hard not to be the obvious co dependent and think of someone else for this book. But once you turn it around on yourself, it shows you got work to do on yourself.
Highly recommend to listen on this book on audiobook the first time then on the second time read the physical or ebook copy. Take the time to do the journal prompts and really reflect on them.
So worth the read.
October 2, 2026
I learned so much from this book! I wish I could remember where I got the recommendation, but I blame Goodreads for that.
Basically it is about staying on your own side of the street and not trying to boss around the whole neighborhood! If you stop trying to take control of every conversation, or automatically give advice, or manage others emotions, and/or outcomes, you can stay centered in your own experience and find greater mutuality in your relationships.
Anticipatory anxiety leads to "life lite," in which you are not fully present.
Slow down, pause, take a beat, breathe. The urgency you feel is within you, not in the situation before you.
Stop "yum-yucking" i.e. judging everything.
Surrender responsibilities that are not yours, surrender to your own humanity, and to actual reality.
Be curious about yourself and your emotions(which leads to self-awareness), slow down, and ask for help.
You are not responsible for every last thing. This attitude will lead to relationships that are not transaction based or controlling, and are more genuine. And more joy, where your "heart is smiling.."
Basically it is about staying on your own side of the street and not trying to boss around the whole neighborhood! If you stop trying to take control of every conversation, or automatically give advice, or manage others emotions, and/or outcomes, you can stay centered in your own experience and find greater mutuality in your relationships.
Anticipatory anxiety leads to "life lite," in which you are not fully present.
Slow down, pause, take a beat, breathe. The urgency you feel is within you, not in the situation before you.
Stop "yum-yucking" i.e. judging everything.
Surrender responsibilities that are not yours, surrender to your own humanity, and to actual reality.
Be curious about yourself and your emotions(which leads to self-awareness), slow down, and ask for help.
You are not responsible for every last thing. This attitude will lead to relationships that are not transaction based or controlling, and are more genuine. And more joy, where your "heart is smiling.."
December 11, 2024
I really loved this book. I’ve never felt so seen and heard before, and it was really interesting to see how the long-term effects of being an HFC can be detrimental. I learned some really good tools on how to manage my own boundaries and expectations and will be using these going forward. I highly recommend this book!!
March 9, 2026
A very useful book for codependent people. I wish I had read this book five or so years ago. It would have made my life much easier. I think its most useful function is in its exercises. It can be really helpful if the reader actually tries what the book is suggesting.
November 16, 2025
new bible just dropped
July 7, 2026
As a recovering people-pleaser, I’ve never felt so seen, understood, and not alone. Grateful for the knowledge this book provided and the tools I will take with me.
February 1, 2025
Listened to a podcast w/this author & was fascinated by the concept. Relevant in so many ways.
March 16, 2026
This is a book I feel all people in caring professions should consider reading as I feel like we all have a flavour of codependency in some way 🤣
I really enjoyed Too Much - I found the writing style very digestible and the case studies brought the ideas to life. I will say some of it was a bit too life coachy for me and at times nuance was missed, but overall this felt like a very impactful self help book. I highlighted a lot as I went through but I need to sit down and make lots of notes! 4.5 stars
I really enjoyed Too Much - I found the writing style very digestible and the case studies brought the ideas to life. I will say some of it was a bit too life coachy for me and at times nuance was missed, but overall this felt like a very impactful self help book. I highlighted a lot as I went through but I need to sit down and make lots of notes! 4.5 stars
May 8, 2026
This is the rebrand that “codependency” desperately needs…
“High-Functioning Codependency” (HFC) is basically… a subtle and often unnoticed form of codependency. Despite being highly capable, successful, and reliable in life, you are overly invested in the emotions, decisions, and outcomes of others.. to the detriment of your own peace, emotional needs and well-being. Speaking about HFC behaviors, this looks like often over-functioning, over-giving, and "fixing" problems for others, or acting/desiring relational control to avoid personal discomfort (“real” or perceived). “The more capable you are, the more codependency doesn’t look like codependency”(21).
I think the perspective shift here is about an idea that I see of: *resolving emotional imbalances and relational control through healthy boundaries and expectations for care*. There is some great educational material in here that also provides applicable information to start on an HFC healing journey.
As a random note… this has me totally rethinking the cultural concept of “best friends” and how much can be cloaked in unchecked codependency, distorted emotional care, unspoken financial expectations, and I could honestly go on and on. So many of my female relationships throughout my life relied on MY imbalance through over-giving to stay afloat. I have also had to work on understanding my own shortcomings (shout out to my T) in bringing up what I needed in healthy ways, contributing to imbalanced care.
I’m deciding to personally check out of the whole solo individual “best friends” kind of idea. (Close friends as “besties” though will probably stay). This “solitary friend” expected to fulfill so many attachment and care needs concept doesn’t balance out with my life, understanding about attachment and codependency, and the way that I want to love people and receive their care back. It’s freeing and empowering to accept that you can ask for the care you need without having to experience inappropriate shame or guilt, if you still do, work toward the release of it. It often looks like grief. This book helps with that self-compassion and self-esteem piece too.
!!!!!! ABOLISH THE CUTESY SOUNDING ALLITERATION PHRASING “PEOPLE PLEASING”. More accurately and objectively, we are MISLEADING people, consciously or subconsciously. !!!!!!
It’s also sooooo important to be emotionally vulnerable in our relationships, without swinging between connection and isolation. If we cannot work to be open with our needs and desires for relational care, we can’t allow others space in the relationship to begin to fully see us and love us. 🤍🤍
“High-Functioning Codependency” (HFC) is basically… a subtle and often unnoticed form of codependency. Despite being highly capable, successful, and reliable in life, you are overly invested in the emotions, decisions, and outcomes of others.. to the detriment of your own peace, emotional needs and well-being. Speaking about HFC behaviors, this looks like often over-functioning, over-giving, and "fixing" problems for others, or acting/desiring relational control to avoid personal discomfort (“real” or perceived). “The more capable you are, the more codependency doesn’t look like codependency”(21).
I think the perspective shift here is about an idea that I see of: *resolving emotional imbalances and relational control through healthy boundaries and expectations for care*. There is some great educational material in here that also provides applicable information to start on an HFC healing journey.
As a random note… this has me totally rethinking the cultural concept of “best friends” and how much can be cloaked in unchecked codependency, distorted emotional care, unspoken financial expectations, and I could honestly go on and on. So many of my female relationships throughout my life relied on MY imbalance through over-giving to stay afloat. I have also had to work on understanding my own shortcomings (shout out to my T) in bringing up what I needed in healthy ways, contributing to imbalanced care.
I’m deciding to personally check out of the whole solo individual “best friends” kind of idea. (Close friends as “besties” though will probably stay). This “solitary friend” expected to fulfill so many attachment and care needs concept doesn’t balance out with my life, understanding about attachment and codependency, and the way that I want to love people and receive their care back. It’s freeing and empowering to accept that you can ask for the care you need without having to experience inappropriate shame or guilt, if you still do, work toward the release of it. It often looks like grief. This book helps with that self-compassion and self-esteem piece too.
!!!!!! ABOLISH THE CUTESY SOUNDING ALLITERATION PHRASING “PEOPLE PLEASING”. More accurately and objectively, we are MISLEADING people, consciously or subconsciously. !!!!!!
It’s also sooooo important to be emotionally vulnerable in our relationships, without swinging between connection and isolation. If we cannot work to be open with our needs and desires for relational care, we can’t allow others space in the relationship to begin to fully see us and love us. 🤍🤍
March 15, 2025
My therapist recommended this book. I think that it’s a book many people need to read. I learned a lot.
The 4 biggest takeaways were:
-We are not responsible for everything and everyone. What we think is right/best may not be.
-We are like mirrors and need to reflect on difficult situations/conversations to understand what triggered us.
-Give yourself the gift of doing something fun but not necessarily productive (something I definitely found myself doing with my hikes and outings).
-“Limit doomscrolling and other distracting content. For the last few years our world has been overwhelmed with, well, overwhelm. . . “
The 4 biggest takeaways were:
-We are not responsible for everything and everyone. What we think is right/best may not be.
-We are like mirrors and need to reflect on difficult situations/conversations to understand what triggered us.
-Give yourself the gift of doing something fun but not necessarily productive (something I definitely found myself doing with my hikes and outings).
-“Limit doomscrolling and other distracting content. For the last few years our world has been overwhelmed with, well, overwhelm. . . “
November 13, 2025
No idea how this book got on my radar, but I’m so thankful it did. I definitely need to listen again and buy this book.
This self development is really well written and helpful. Organized into thoughtful chapters and I listened to a few of them twice.
Author did a great job narrating.
Thanks to the San Diego County Library for the digital audio version via Libby app.
[Audio: 7 hours, 8 minutes]
This self development is really well written and helpful. Organized into thoughtful chapters and I listened to a few of them twice.
Author did a great job narrating.
Thanks to the San Diego County Library for the digital audio version via Libby app.
[Audio: 7 hours, 8 minutes]
February 10, 2025
While I don't think I entirely fit this mold, I could relate to a lot of it. Got called out on a few things for sure. It had some useful tips and journaling prompts. I do think it could have focused more on the narcissist-codependent relationship. It did cover it a little, but I personally wanted more on that. Otherwise, the information was clearly conveyed and flowed nicely. Therapy homework ✔️
May 11, 2025
Very fitting that I finished this book on mother’s day. I think this book was the most beneficial self help book I’ve ever read. It really has changed my life. This silent pressure I’ve always put on myself to be in charge of others lives has been so damaging to my psyche. I’m excited to see what peace I find as I release these pressures.
February 11, 2025
I haven’t yet processed this book entirely, but have many sections bookmarked to go back to. A very necessary read that had me gasping in parts as I recognized myself.
July 13, 2025
Belangrijk boek voor mij. Heeft voor veel inzichten gezorgd. Een boek om binnen handbereik te hebben om naar terug te kunnen grijpen, om stukjes te herlezen wanneer je er nood aan hebt
July 25, 2025
at first I thought no way will this be relatable for me..but turns out my therapist knows more than I do because yep I truly needed to hear all this!!!
July 30, 2025
This is fantastic! Allowed me good insight into my behaviors and anxiety! Saw a lot of myself in these pages!
November 28, 2025
Dammit, Terri.
February 17, 2026
Ordered the physical copy so I can take notes! Really helpful book for the overachievers and perfectionists.
July 6, 2025
whoa, I didn't think I was codependent until I read this. yup. I am.
March 30, 2025
I really enjoyed this read, recommended by my therapist. I’m a total HFC (working to stay on my side of the street) Some was FOR me, spot on, and other pieces not so much.
I took a ton of notes and felt seen a lot, which has a ton of value on its own. Even though the author did offer lots of helpful exercises, I still didn’t feel like there was as much actionable takeaway as I would have liked, particularly ongoing work to break the HFC tendencies (meditate, have a zen den, slow down?).
I would totally recommend this book to anyone who reads about High Functioning Co-Dependents and feels like they identify.
I took a ton of notes and felt seen a lot, which has a ton of value on its own. Even though the author did offer lots of helpful exercises, I still didn’t feel like there was as much actionable takeaway as I would have liked, particularly ongoing work to break the HFC tendencies (meditate, have a zen den, slow down?).
I would totally recommend this book to anyone who reads about High Functioning Co-Dependents and feels like they identify.
January 8, 2025
So good. End resentment, stop doing too much and find out how this cycle came to be. Completely eye opening. I cannot imagine the woman who does not need to read this book, but that’s who I want to be!
February 18, 2025
4.5 stars, rounded up!
This is one of the better self help books I’ve read. Though I feel like I’m on the other side of “active recovery” from HFC, this book helped put so much of my past behavior into perspective, and served as a helpful way to reinforce things I’ve learned in therapy.
I loved one of the first chapters, when the author frames up the risk of shame feelings bubbling up as you read it. That was sure true of me, but she takes such a compassionate approach throughout, that it ended up being a net positive read. I probably would have benefited a lot from reading this a few years ago!!
My only critique is that her definition of HFC casts a WIDE net. There’s a lot of behaviors that felt tangentially related, or outdated views of co-dependency, that it made it harder to relate to.
I have one other critique - and this is now me stepping on my soapbox against wider issues in the western-and-white-oriented views of American therapy, more so than the book: some things we label as “HFC” behavior are actually what it takes to exist in a community system. Perhaps the world would be a little kinder, a little more sane, a little healthier if we all were community oriented. And that’s where I brush up against some friction in my own healing. There’s things labeled as “not working” in therapy that I feel would actually be very positive traits/behaviors in a different environment or context.
Anyway, I’ll step off my soapbox and recommend this book!!!
This is one of the better self help books I’ve read. Though I feel like I’m on the other side of “active recovery” from HFC, this book helped put so much of my past behavior into perspective, and served as a helpful way to reinforce things I’ve learned in therapy.
I loved one of the first chapters, when the author frames up the risk of shame feelings bubbling up as you read it. That was sure true of me, but she takes such a compassionate approach throughout, that it ended up being a net positive read. I probably would have benefited a lot from reading this a few years ago!!
My only critique is that her definition of HFC casts a WIDE net. There’s a lot of behaviors that felt tangentially related, or outdated views of co-dependency, that it made it harder to relate to.
I have one other critique - and this is now me stepping on my soapbox against wider issues in the western-and-white-oriented views of American therapy, more so than the book: some things we label as “HFC” behavior are actually what it takes to exist in a community system. Perhaps the world would be a little kinder, a little more sane, a little healthier if we all were community oriented. And that’s where I brush up against some friction in my own healing. There’s things labeled as “not working” in therapy that I feel would actually be very positive traits/behaviors in a different environment or context.
Anyway, I’ll step off my soapbox and recommend this book!!!
December 4, 2025
This book helped me understand that I’m not a high functioning codependent and that’s something.
February 26, 2026
Este libro se siente como si alguien finalmente pusiera en palabras algo que muchas personas viven en silencio: ser “demasiado” para todo y para todos. Terri Cole no escribe desde un pedestal ni como experta distante; escribe como alguien que ha pasado por ahí. Cuenta cómo durante años fue la persona fuerte, eficiente, responsable, la que resuelve, la que cuida, la que nunca falla… mientras por dentro estaba agotada y desconectada de sí misma.
Ella explica que eso no es simplemente ser buena persona o servicial, sino lo que llama “codependencia de alto funcionamiento”: personas que aparentemente lo tienen todo bajo control, que son exitosas, confiables y productivas, pero que viven midiendo su valor según lo que hacen por los demás. Son las que dicen “sí” cuando quieren decir “no”, las que cargan problemas ajenos, las que anticipan necesidades, las que sienten culpa por descansar y ansiedad por decepcionar a alguien.
A lo largo del libro, Terri mezcla su historia personal con las historias de sus pacientes y su experiencia como terapeuta. Cuenta cómo aprendió desde pequeña a complacer para sentirse querida y segura, y cómo ese patrón se volvió automático en su vida adulta: relaciones donde daba más de lo que recibía, trabajos donde se exigía al límite, amistades donde era la cuidadora emocional de todos. Lo más impactante es que muchas veces ni siquiera se daba cuenta, porque la sociedad premia ese tipo de comportamiento.
También habla de cómo este patrón suele venir de la infancia: crecer en ambientes donde había que ser fuerte, responsable antes de tiempo, o donde el amor estaba condicionado. No siempre hay grandes traumas; a veces basta con haber aprendido que “ser útil” es la forma de merecer amor.
El libro va mostrando cómo esta forma de vivir tiene un costo enorme: resentimiento silencioso, agotamiento crónico, dificultad para saber qué quieres realmente, miedo a poner límites y relaciones desequilibradas. Muchas personas ni siquiera saben quiénes son fuera de su rol de cuidadoras, solucionadoras o complacientes.
Pero no se queda en el problema. Poco a poco, Terri describe su propio proceso de despertar: darse cuenta de que ayudar compulsivamente no es lo mismo que amar, que decir “no” no destruye relaciones sanas, y que poner límites no te vuelve egoísta sino adulta emocionalmente. Habla de lo incómodo que fue al principio dejar de rescatar a todo el mundo, tolerar el silencio cuando no corría a solucionar problemas, y aprender a escuchar su propia voz interna.
Uno de los temas centrales es aprender a diferenciar entre responsabilidad y sobre-responsabilidad. Cada persona es responsable de su vida, sus emociones y sus decisiones, y cargar con todo no ayuda a nadie a largo plazo. También insiste mucho en que no puedes cambiar a los demás, solo tu forma de relacionarte.
El libro enseña que la verdadera libertad empieza cuando dejas de actuar desde el miedo a perder amor o aprobación. Empiezas a elegir desde el respeto hacia ti misma. Eso implica aprender a identificar tus necesidades, tus límites físicos y emocionales, tus valores y tus deseos —cosas que muchas personas nunca se han permitido explorar.
Hacia el final, el mensaje es esperanzador: no tienes que dejar de ser amable ni generosa, pero sí dejar de abandonarte a ti misma. Puedes seguir siendo una persona que ayuda, pero desde la elección, no desde la obligación o la culpa. La meta no es volverte fría ni distante, sino construir relaciones más equilibradas donde tú también importas.
Al terminar el libro, queda la sensación de que alguien te dio permiso para bajar la armadura. No para dejar de cuidar, sino para incluirte en ese cuidado. Para entender que no eres “demasiado”, ni dramática, ni egoísta por necesitar espacio, descanso o reciprocidad. Simplemente eres humana.
Es un libro que no grita ni juzga; más bien acompaña. Y si te reconoces en él, se siente como si alguien te tomara de la mano y te dijera: “No estás sola, y no tienes que vivir así para siempre.”
Ella explica que eso no es simplemente ser buena persona o servicial, sino lo que llama “codependencia de alto funcionamiento”: personas que aparentemente lo tienen todo bajo control, que son exitosas, confiables y productivas, pero que viven midiendo su valor según lo que hacen por los demás. Son las que dicen “sí” cuando quieren decir “no”, las que cargan problemas ajenos, las que anticipan necesidades, las que sienten culpa por descansar y ansiedad por decepcionar a alguien.
A lo largo del libro, Terri mezcla su historia personal con las historias de sus pacientes y su experiencia como terapeuta. Cuenta cómo aprendió desde pequeña a complacer para sentirse querida y segura, y cómo ese patrón se volvió automático en su vida adulta: relaciones donde daba más de lo que recibía, trabajos donde se exigía al límite, amistades donde era la cuidadora emocional de todos. Lo más impactante es que muchas veces ni siquiera se daba cuenta, porque la sociedad premia ese tipo de comportamiento.
También habla de cómo este patrón suele venir de la infancia: crecer en ambientes donde había que ser fuerte, responsable antes de tiempo, o donde el amor estaba condicionado. No siempre hay grandes traumas; a veces basta con haber aprendido que “ser útil” es la forma de merecer amor.
El libro va mostrando cómo esta forma de vivir tiene un costo enorme: resentimiento silencioso, agotamiento crónico, dificultad para saber qué quieres realmente, miedo a poner límites y relaciones desequilibradas. Muchas personas ni siquiera saben quiénes son fuera de su rol de cuidadoras, solucionadoras o complacientes.
Pero no se queda en el problema. Poco a poco, Terri describe su propio proceso de despertar: darse cuenta de que ayudar compulsivamente no es lo mismo que amar, que decir “no” no destruye relaciones sanas, y que poner límites no te vuelve egoísta sino adulta emocionalmente. Habla de lo incómodo que fue al principio dejar de rescatar a todo el mundo, tolerar el silencio cuando no corría a solucionar problemas, y aprender a escuchar su propia voz interna.
Uno de los temas centrales es aprender a diferenciar entre responsabilidad y sobre-responsabilidad. Cada persona es responsable de su vida, sus emociones y sus decisiones, y cargar con todo no ayuda a nadie a largo plazo. También insiste mucho en que no puedes cambiar a los demás, solo tu forma de relacionarte.
El libro enseña que la verdadera libertad empieza cuando dejas de actuar desde el miedo a perder amor o aprobación. Empiezas a elegir desde el respeto hacia ti misma. Eso implica aprender a identificar tus necesidades, tus límites físicos y emocionales, tus valores y tus deseos —cosas que muchas personas nunca se han permitido explorar.
Hacia el final, el mensaje es esperanzador: no tienes que dejar de ser amable ni generosa, pero sí dejar de abandonarte a ti misma. Puedes seguir siendo una persona que ayuda, pero desde la elección, no desde la obligación o la culpa. La meta no es volverte fría ni distante, sino construir relaciones más equilibradas donde tú también importas.
Al terminar el libro, queda la sensación de que alguien te dio permiso para bajar la armadura. No para dejar de cuidar, sino para incluirte en ese cuidado. Para entender que no eres “demasiado”, ni dramática, ni egoísta por necesitar espacio, descanso o reciprocidad. Simplemente eres humana.
Es un libro que no grita ni juzga; más bien acompaña. Y si te reconoces en él, se siente como si alguien te tomara de la mano y te dijera: “No estás sola, y no tienes que vivir así para siempre.”
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
September 10, 2025
My therapist recommended this book to me, and I wish I had found more value in it than I did. If Goodreads allowed half-stars, I'd probably give it 2.5 stars, but it's not quite worth 3 for me.
I'm going to complain a lot in this review, so first I want to start off with the positive parts. There is definitely something to the idea that some people, particularly those socialized as women from a young age, turn into high-functioning people-pleasers/codependents. Women and people socialized as women are indeed often taught from a young age to set their own needs and wants aside and to prioritize the comfort and feelings of others. It's a very good idea to teach everyone how to set healthy boundaries in order to either avoid or at least heal from burnout.
However, it felt as though the author was perhaps applying too broad a brush to her canvas. A lot of the behaviours she lists can just as easily be a manifestation of other personality traits and not necessarily codependency.
The book often came off like an oddly patronizing apologia for the target audience. Look at you! Look at what a smart, accomplished boss woman you are! Aren't you amazing and clever and capable, but it's time to *take care of YOU*. Which, in theory I agree with, but somehow this book set my teeth on edge about it. All of the examples were of career women who "had it all" but were unable to say no to their partners/family/bosses. They were accomplished, had families, kept impeccable homes, volunteered, etc. And yes, this is supposed to be the crux of the problem, but the book didn't seem entirely convinced of that at times. Also, a lot of the examples of the women learning to be true to themselves seemed to involve some expenditure of money (like renting out an entire dance studio to have a photography shoot of them dancing with a friend). I'm guessing this therapist doesn't have many low-income clients (if any).
The tone of the book also felt weirdly condescending a fair bit of the time, about the rest of the world. Let them make mistakes! the author reassures her target audience. Who are you to decide what lessons they need to learn? You don't need to fix everything for them! Which, okay, I guess? But also, I might have framed it differently. After all, there's nothing to say that the other people are, in fact, making mistakes. You can just disagree about the decisions or the course of action, and it doesn't mean that they are wrong. There's no consideration at any time that the high-functioning codependent person might actually be wrong--the assumption is that they are correct, but they should just be staying in their lane.
The author lost me thoroughly when she referred to a client moving out of the place of "low vibrations" she had been in. Vibrations are not a thing. YOU ARE NOT A TUNING FORK. It's the worst kind of woo-woo nonsense, and it makes me immediately distrust the advise of anyone who uses it unironically.
And a pet peeve, since I was listening to the audiobook: the author repeatedly used the phrase "Say it with me" before uttering a rather banal mantra or affirmation. The thing is, I *can't* say it with you, because I have no idea what you're about to say! It's a very minor gripe, but it came up in every. single. chapter, and by the end I was more than a little irritated by it.
So, uh, yeah. I didn't really like it. Like I said earlier, I think it wasn't meant for me. I suspect it's meant for middle-aged, well-off, cishet white women who need their egos stroked a little bit before they learn to set boundaries about how much they're doing for others. I'm sure I'll have a really interesting conversation with my therapist about it during our next session, however.
I'm going to complain a lot in this review, so first I want to start off with the positive parts. There is definitely something to the idea that some people, particularly those socialized as women from a young age, turn into high-functioning people-pleasers/codependents. Women and people socialized as women are indeed often taught from a young age to set their own needs and wants aside and to prioritize the comfort and feelings of others. It's a very good idea to teach everyone how to set healthy boundaries in order to either avoid or at least heal from burnout.
However, it felt as though the author was perhaps applying too broad a brush to her canvas. A lot of the behaviours she lists can just as easily be a manifestation of other personality traits and not necessarily codependency.
The book often came off like an oddly patronizing apologia for the target audience. Look at you! Look at what a smart, accomplished boss woman you are! Aren't you amazing and clever and capable, but it's time to *take care of YOU*. Which, in theory I agree with, but somehow this book set my teeth on edge about it. All of the examples were of career women who "had it all" but were unable to say no to their partners/family/bosses. They were accomplished, had families, kept impeccable homes, volunteered, etc. And yes, this is supposed to be the crux of the problem, but the book didn't seem entirely convinced of that at times. Also, a lot of the examples of the women learning to be true to themselves seemed to involve some expenditure of money (like renting out an entire dance studio to have a photography shoot of them dancing with a friend). I'm guessing this therapist doesn't have many low-income clients (if any).
The tone of the book also felt weirdly condescending a fair bit of the time, about the rest of the world. Let them make mistakes! the author reassures her target audience. Who are you to decide what lessons they need to learn? You don't need to fix everything for them! Which, okay, I guess? But also, I might have framed it differently. After all, there's nothing to say that the other people are, in fact, making mistakes. You can just disagree about the decisions or the course of action, and it doesn't mean that they are wrong. There's no consideration at any time that the high-functioning codependent person might actually be wrong--the assumption is that they are correct, but they should just be staying in their lane.
The author lost me thoroughly when she referred to a client moving out of the place of "low vibrations" she had been in. Vibrations are not a thing. YOU ARE NOT A TUNING FORK. It's the worst kind of woo-woo nonsense, and it makes me immediately distrust the advise of anyone who uses it unironically.
And a pet peeve, since I was listening to the audiobook: the author repeatedly used the phrase "Say it with me" before uttering a rather banal mantra or affirmation. The thing is, I *can't* say it with you, because I have no idea what you're about to say! It's a very minor gripe, but it came up in every. single. chapter, and by the end I was more than a little irritated by it.
So, uh, yeah. I didn't really like it. Like I said earlier, I think it wasn't meant for me. I suspect it's meant for middle-aged, well-off, cishet white women who need their egos stroked a little bit before they learn to set boundaries about how much they're doing for others. I'm sure I'll have a really interesting conversation with my therapist about it during our next session, however.
May 6, 2025
Książka Terri Cole „Jak przestać zadowalać innych. Uwolnij się od wysokofunkcjonującego współuzależnienia” to pełen refleksji przewodnik po mechanizmach, które trzymają nas w pułapce nadmiernego dbania o innych kosztem siebie. Od pierwszych stron autorka otwiera oczy na temat, który dotyka wielu z nas, zwłaszcza w kontekście współczesnego życia pełnego nieustannego poświęcania się i robienia „wszystkiego za innych”. Jako społeczeństwo jesteśmy często wychowywani w przekonaniu, że pomaganie innym, bez względu na koszty, to synonim szlachetności i sukcesu. A jednak, jak zauważa Cole, to zbyt często prowadzi do utraty siebie.
Autorka zaczyna swoją książkę od ważnego pytania: „Zanim zaczniesz rozwiązywać jakiś problem, upewnij się, czy to twój problem.” To pytanie jest kluczowe dla zrozumienia, w jakiej pułapce się znaleźliśmy – pułapce, w której czujemy się odpowiedzialni za emocje innych i podejmujemy się zadań, które nie są naszymi, tylko dlatego, że boimy się odrzucenia lub niezadowolenia innych. Z perspektywy osoby, która miała do czynienia z wysokofunkcjonującym współuzależnieniem (HFC), to brzmi znajomo – staramy się być wszędzie i dla wszystkich, ale zapominamy o sobie. Zaczyna to przypominać nieustanny taniec na cienkiej linii między opieką a wypaleniem.
W swojej książce Cole trafnie identyfikuje, jak HFC, czyli wysokofunkcjonujące współuzależnienie, prowadzi do destrukcyjnych wzorców relacji. Sposób, w jaki wchodzimy w relacje, jest pełen poświęcenia, ale kosztem własnych granic i emocji. Zamiast opierać się na zdrowych relacjach, w których dajemy z równowagi, nasze działania wynikają z lęku przed odrzuceniem lub poczuciem winy, że nie robimy „dość”. To niewidzialny ciężar, który niesiemy przez całe życie, często nie zdając sobie sprawy z jego destrukcyjnych skutków.
Kolejnym istotnym elementem książki jest proces uzdrawiania. Terri Cole nie pozostawia nas bez nadziei. Wskazuje na konkretne kroki, które mogą pomóc wyjść z tego schematu: naukę stawiania granic, prawdziwego dbania o siebie (self-care), oraz budowania emocjonalnej odporności. Podkreśla, że tylko poprzez zrozumienie własnych potrzeb i nauczenie się, jak dbać o siebie, możemy naprawdę pomóc innym. Przemiana, której doświadczają osoby pracujące nad sobą w kontekście HFC, jest niezwykle głęboka – odzyskują oni poczucie sprawczości, wewnętrznej równowagi i szacunku do swoich potrzeb.
Książka „Jak przestać zadowalać innych” jest więc czymś więcej niż tylko psychologiczną lekturą. To zaproszenie do podróży ku autentyczności. Jest niezwykle cenna dla osób, które czują się przytłoczone odpowiedzialnością za emocje innych, ponieważ pomaga im zrozumieć, jak nieustanne zadowalanie innych odbiera przestrzeń na własny rozwój. Cole pokazuje, że można żyć inaczej, z większym szacunkiem do siebie. Dzięki jej poradom każdy może poczuć się pewniej, budując relacje, które są oparte na wzajemnym szacunku i autentyczności, a nie na strachu przed odrzuceniem.
Polecam tę książkę każdemu, kto czuje, że jego życie jest zdominowane przez potrzeby innych, a własne pragnienia i emocje schodzą na drugi plan. To lektura obowiązkowa, która pomaga odzyskać kontrolę nad własnym życiem, odzyskać równowagę i zrozumieć, że nasze potrzeby są równie ważne, jak potrzeby innych. Zdecydowanie warto sięgnąć po tę książkę, bo każdy z nas zasługuje na to, by żyć w zgodzie z sobą, a nie w trybie ciągłego „ratowania” innych.
Dziękuję za zaufanie i egzemplarz do recenzji od @wydawnictwootwarte (współpraca reklamowa) 🩷.
Autorka zaczyna swoją książkę od ważnego pytania: „Zanim zaczniesz rozwiązywać jakiś problem, upewnij się, czy to twój problem.” To pytanie jest kluczowe dla zrozumienia, w jakiej pułapce się znaleźliśmy – pułapce, w której czujemy się odpowiedzialni za emocje innych i podejmujemy się zadań, które nie są naszymi, tylko dlatego, że boimy się odrzucenia lub niezadowolenia innych. Z perspektywy osoby, która miała do czynienia z wysokofunkcjonującym współuzależnieniem (HFC), to brzmi znajomo – staramy się być wszędzie i dla wszystkich, ale zapominamy o sobie. Zaczyna to przypominać nieustanny taniec na cienkiej linii między opieką a wypaleniem.
W swojej książce Cole trafnie identyfikuje, jak HFC, czyli wysokofunkcjonujące współuzależnienie, prowadzi do destrukcyjnych wzorców relacji. Sposób, w jaki wchodzimy w relacje, jest pełen poświęcenia, ale kosztem własnych granic i emocji. Zamiast opierać się na zdrowych relacjach, w których dajemy z równowagi, nasze działania wynikają z lęku przed odrzuceniem lub poczuciem winy, że nie robimy „dość”. To niewidzialny ciężar, który niesiemy przez całe życie, często nie zdając sobie sprawy z jego destrukcyjnych skutków.
Kolejnym istotnym elementem książki jest proces uzdrawiania. Terri Cole nie pozostawia nas bez nadziei. Wskazuje na konkretne kroki, które mogą pomóc wyjść z tego schematu: naukę stawiania granic, prawdziwego dbania o siebie (self-care), oraz budowania emocjonalnej odporności. Podkreśla, że tylko poprzez zrozumienie własnych potrzeb i nauczenie się, jak dbać o siebie, możemy naprawdę pomóc innym. Przemiana, której doświadczają osoby pracujące nad sobą w kontekście HFC, jest niezwykle głęboka – odzyskują oni poczucie sprawczości, wewnętrznej równowagi i szacunku do swoich potrzeb.
Książka „Jak przestać zadowalać innych” jest więc czymś więcej niż tylko psychologiczną lekturą. To zaproszenie do podróży ku autentyczności. Jest niezwykle cenna dla osób, które czują się przytłoczone odpowiedzialnością za emocje innych, ponieważ pomaga im zrozumieć, jak nieustanne zadowalanie innych odbiera przestrzeń na własny rozwój. Cole pokazuje, że można żyć inaczej, z większym szacunkiem do siebie. Dzięki jej poradom każdy może poczuć się pewniej, budując relacje, które są oparte na wzajemnym szacunku i autentyczności, a nie na strachu przed odrzuceniem.
Polecam tę książkę każdemu, kto czuje, że jego życie jest zdominowane przez potrzeby innych, a własne pragnienia i emocje schodzą na drugi plan. To lektura obowiązkowa, która pomaga odzyskać kontrolę nad własnym życiem, odzyskać równowagę i zrozumieć, że nasze potrzeby są równie ważne, jak potrzeby innych. Zdecydowanie warto sięgnąć po tę książkę, bo każdy z nas zasługuje na to, by żyć w zgodzie z sobą, a nie w trybie ciągłego „ratowania” innych.
Dziękuję za zaufanie i egzemplarz do recenzji od @wydawnictwootwarte (współpraca reklamowa) 🩷.
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