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Defy: The Power of No in a World That Demands Yes
Why is it so hard to stand up to authority even when we know something’s wrong?
Many of us comply much more than we realize. How many times have you wanted to object, disagree, or opt out of something but ended up swallowing your words, shaking your head, and just going along? Analyzing cases ranging from corporate corruption and sexual abuse to everyday acquiescence at work, the doctor’s office, and in our personal lives, award-winning organizational psychologist Dr. Sunita Sah delves into why the pressure to comply is a corrosive and often invisible force in our society.
With her own revelatory research, she radically transforms our idea of defiance from a misunderstood negative trait into a crucial, positive force for personal and societal change. Taking us through her "five stages of defiance," Dr. Sah equips readers with simple tools to make decisions that align with their values. Defy is the essential playbook for how to speak up and act when it matters most.
Many of us comply much more than we realize. How many times have you wanted to object, disagree, or opt out of something but ended up swallowing your words, shaking your head, and just going along? Analyzing cases ranging from corporate corruption and sexual abuse to everyday acquiescence at work, the doctor’s office, and in our personal lives, award-winning organizational psychologist Dr. Sunita Sah delves into why the pressure to comply is a corrosive and often invisible force in our society.
With her own revelatory research, she radically transforms our idea of defiance from a misunderstood negative trait into a crucial, positive force for personal and societal change. Taking us through her "five stages of defiance," Dr. Sah equips readers with simple tools to make decisions that align with their values. Defy is the essential playbook for how to speak up and act when it matters most.
242 pages, Hardcover
First published January 14, 2025
227 people are currently reading
7677 people want to read
About the author
Sunita Sah
2 books42 followersDr. Sunita Sah is an award-winning professor at Cornell University and an expert in organizational psychology. She leads groundbreaking research on influence, authority, compliance, and defiance. A trained physician, she practiced medicine in the United Kingdom and worked as a management consultant for the pharmaceutical industry. She currently teaches executives, leaders, and students in healthcare and business. Dr. Sah is a sought-after international speaker and consultant, advisor to government agencies, and former Commissioner of the National Commission on Forensic Science. Her multidisciplinary research and analyses have been widely published in leading academic journals and media entities including The New York Times, Los Angeles Times, Harvard Business Review, and Scientific American. She lives with her husband and son in New York.
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 144 reviews
June 22, 2025
Everyone can recall times when they didn’t want to do something or when they disagreed with something someone said. Most can also recall times when they acquiesced or remained silent in these situations. Protecting the feelings of the other party, preventing potential awkwardness or an angry response, is most important in these moments. Acting contrary to our true selves always feels terrible and frustrating, yet oddly, what’s in our best interest doesn’t matter the most. In Defy, Dr. Sunita Sah unpacks the psychology behind why this is and equips readers with the tools to comfortably prioritize themselves—to defy—when it’s necessary.
Defiance has a negative connotation, associated with aggression and discord, but Sah’s definition is more neutral, simply meaning choosing not to “go along to get along.” She means not complying in situations that ask us to suppress our preferences, beliefs, values, morals, ethics—when we’re asked to not be true to ourselves. Her book emphasizes that we can defy with calm confidence, not fury.
Although defying is hard, understanding why is not. Compliance and cooperation offered primitive humans a life-or-death evolutionary advantage, and where survival is concerned, evolutionary etching runs deepest. Early social conditioning then reinforces: Parents and teachers are quick to admonish defiant children for their disrespect, and friends punish defiance with shunning. Many religions venerate obedience. When faced with a noncompliant child, devout Judeo-Christian parents may invoke the fifth commandment of “Honor thy father and thy mother.” People are born with the evolutionary proclivity to comply; then in their earliest years they internalize a correlation between compliance and rewards, and defiance and punishment. Of course compliance is the human default.
For a special kind of quiet compliance, Sah coined the term “insinuation anxiety,” which is
Weaving in page-turning real-life anecdotes, Sah shows how defiant acts can be small and big and how they can have slight, fleeting consequences or immense, life-changing consequences, such as being fired, threatened, harassed, jailed, or even killed. In the book, lessons on how to defy come from stories about people who worked in the tobacco industry and law enforcement. Some others are drawn from incidents readers are familiar with, such as the George Floyd murder, the Uvalde school shooting, and Rosa Parks’s refusal to surrender her bus seat to a white man. A few are from Sah’s own life.
We are capable of defying, but first we have to tap into our authentic selves, to step back and look at the situation with a certain analytical detachment. Compliance and consent are linked. To be able to give a “true no” or a “true yes,” as Sah puts it, we need to be able to “consciously comply” or “consciously defy,” and she outlines which things need to be in place for that to happen.
Defy is easier reading than other, more research-heavy social-psychology nonfiction books, although the author does detail illuminating psychological studies. Her thesis sounds simple on its face, but she shows it isn’t exactly. Defiance also isn’t always beneficial: “A society without any compliance is anarchy; a society with total compliance is fascism.” We have to pause, assess, and be strategic.
Sah explores all the nuance in this topic, empowering readers to find their voices—to defy—in situations that require it. Because of evolutionary wiring and social conditioning, compliance-as-default will always take conscious effort to disable, but she likens learning to defy to exercising a muscle: The more we do it the stronger we get, and the easier the exercise gets.
Defiance has a negative connotation, associated with aggression and discord, but Sah’s definition is more neutral, simply meaning choosing not to “go along to get along.” She means not complying in situations that ask us to suppress our preferences, beliefs, values, morals, ethics—when we’re asked to not be true to ourselves. Her book emphasizes that we can defy with calm confidence, not fury.
Although defying is hard, understanding why is not. Compliance and cooperation offered primitive humans a life-or-death evolutionary advantage, and where survival is concerned, evolutionary etching runs deepest. Early social conditioning then reinforces: Parents and teachers are quick to admonish defiant children for their disrespect, and friends punish defiance with shunning. Many religions venerate obedience. When faced with a noncompliant child, devout Judeo-Christian parents may invoke the fifth commandment of “Honor thy father and thy mother.” People are born with the evolutionary proclivity to comply; then in their earliest years they internalize a correlation between compliance and rewards, and defiance and punishment. Of course compliance is the human default.
For a special kind of quiet compliance, Sah coined the term “insinuation anxiety,” which is
. . . one of the reasons we don’t speak up in the back of a taxicab when we notice the driver taking an obviously circuitous route. It is one reason why we nod approval to barbers and hairdressers and say, “Yes, that’s great, thank you,” even when we’ve received a mediocre haircut. And it is one of several reasons why we don’t speak up about unethical or illegal interview questions or the inappropriate transgressions of others at work.Ironically, our wiring for harmony makes our lives less happy.
Weaving in page-turning real-life anecdotes, Sah shows how defiant acts can be small and big and how they can have slight, fleeting consequences or immense, life-changing consequences, such as being fired, threatened, harassed, jailed, or even killed. In the book, lessons on how to defy come from stories about people who worked in the tobacco industry and law enforcement. Some others are drawn from incidents readers are familiar with, such as the George Floyd murder, the Uvalde school shooting, and Rosa Parks’s refusal to surrender her bus seat to a white man. A few are from Sah’s own life.
We are capable of defying, but first we have to tap into our authentic selves, to step back and look at the situation with a certain analytical detachment. Compliance and consent are linked. To be able to give a “true no” or a “true yes,” as Sah puts it, we need to be able to “consciously comply” or “consciously defy,” and she outlines which things need to be in place for that to happen.
Defy is easier reading than other, more research-heavy social-psychology nonfiction books, although the author does detail illuminating psychological studies. Her thesis sounds simple on its face, but she shows it isn’t exactly. Defiance also isn’t always beneficial: “A society without any compliance is anarchy; a society with total compliance is fascism.” We have to pause, assess, and be strategic.
Sah explores all the nuance in this topic, empowering readers to find their voices—to defy—in situations that require it. Because of evolutionary wiring and social conditioning, compliance-as-default will always take conscious effort to disable, but she likens learning to defy to exercising a muscle: The more we do it the stronger we get, and the easier the exercise gets.
March 2, 2025
This book was sure released at a timely moment.
I think this is a fantastic and important read for everyone. Sah is articulate, knowledgeable, and encourages the reader to be more intentional in making choices and responses that align with their true yes or true no.
She identifies a lot of nuance and indicates how this can take practice, many steps, and we can't always make choices we want to at any given moment depending on the cost, but we should also be seeking to be a moral maverick that is living in alignment with our values.
I love how she elaborated on how marginalized groups should not be the ones responsible for trying to make changes and speaking up for systematic racism and bias. They are typically always in a more vulnerable position to be speaking up and those of us born with more privilege can do so without the same repercussions. This is a great reminder to advocate for those who can't always advocate for themselves or even those who can, when people are being treated unfairly. Those with privilege have the ability to make bit challenges with much less backlash and can reach people that marginalized groups maybe never could because of certain biases against them. As a woman of color, Sah has been personally affected by this and it was moving to hear her experiences.
She provides so many other tools, experiences, inspiration, and guidance for the reader that it is really just a book you want to read yourself. A simple review just doesn't do it justice and hit the same way. In a world where so many voices are discounted though, it is important that we are all aware of these issues and fight this injustice that so many face. We are all human beings and should be valued, heard, and able to consent or deny consent and be respected in that decision. Some people may see that as obvious and believe everyone does have that option or ability, but that is not true at all and Sah very clearly illustrate this point while guiding the reader to make their own informed consent, no matter what their circumstances.
I think this is a fantastic and important read for everyone. Sah is articulate, knowledgeable, and encourages the reader to be more intentional in making choices and responses that align with their true yes or true no.
She identifies a lot of nuance and indicates how this can take practice, many steps, and we can't always make choices we want to at any given moment depending on the cost, but we should also be seeking to be a moral maverick that is living in alignment with our values.
I love how she elaborated on how marginalized groups should not be the ones responsible for trying to make changes and speaking up for systematic racism and bias. They are typically always in a more vulnerable position to be speaking up and those of us born with more privilege can do so without the same repercussions. This is a great reminder to advocate for those who can't always advocate for themselves or even those who can, when people are being treated unfairly. Those with privilege have the ability to make bit challenges with much less backlash and can reach people that marginalized groups maybe never could because of certain biases against them. As a woman of color, Sah has been personally affected by this and it was moving to hear her experiences.
She provides so many other tools, experiences, inspiration, and guidance for the reader that it is really just a book you want to read yourself. A simple review just doesn't do it justice and hit the same way. In a world where so many voices are discounted though, it is important that we are all aware of these issues and fight this injustice that so many face. We are all human beings and should be valued, heard, and able to consent or deny consent and be respected in that decision. Some people may see that as obvious and believe everyone does have that option or ability, but that is not true at all and Sah very clearly illustrate this point while guiding the reader to make their own informed consent, no matter what their circumstances.
January 31, 2025
I went into Defy hoping for an insightful look at when to push back against authority and when to fall in line. What I got instead was half a book that read more like Dr. Suh’s personal memoir. Now, I’m all for personal anecdotes when they serve a purpose, but if you want to write about yourself at length, there’s a separate genre for that—it's called an autobiography. Most readers picking up Defy aren’t doing so because they’re deeply curious about the author’s life story.
Once I start a book, I finish it. Even the most frustrating reads usually have a few nuggets of wisdom, and Defy does offer some thought-provoking ideas—especially about teaching kids that defiance isn’t inherently bad. I’ll definitely pass on the lesson that standing up to authority can be a positive thing, depending on the circumstances. However, Suh seems to assume that all acts of defiance stem from the same thoughtful, well-intentioned place. The idea that criminals on the street are making the same kind of calculated, righteous choices as the readers of this book is a bit of a stretch.
One of the most glaring issues is how Suh relates defiance to law enforcement encounters. There’s a big difference between principled resistance and the actions that lead to someone getting shot by the police. That distinction is glossed over in favor of a one-sided take that leans pretty far left. Honestly, I should’ve known what I was getting into when I got the recommendation from Adam Grant.
The book also highlights Marines who embraced defiance, and while that makes for an interesting discussion, let’s be glad our entire military isn’t made up of soldiers who refuse to follow orders. Defiance has its place, but I’d prefer our troops not start questioning commands when they’re, say, ordered to take out a terrorist.
Ultimately, Defy glorifies a version of resistance that often seems more about justifying past decisions after the fact to make them seem intentional and correct, rather than admitting they may have been mistakes. If you’re looking for a book that leans hard in one political direction and celebrates those who criticize America while still enjoying its freedoms, this is for you. Otherwise, you might want to spend your time reading something with a little more balance.
Final Verdict: Some interesting ideas, but too much personal storytelling, a heavy-handed political angle, and a shaky definition of defiance make this one hard to recommend.
Once I start a book, I finish it. Even the most frustrating reads usually have a few nuggets of wisdom, and Defy does offer some thought-provoking ideas—especially about teaching kids that defiance isn’t inherently bad. I’ll definitely pass on the lesson that standing up to authority can be a positive thing, depending on the circumstances. However, Suh seems to assume that all acts of defiance stem from the same thoughtful, well-intentioned place. The idea that criminals on the street are making the same kind of calculated, righteous choices as the readers of this book is a bit of a stretch.
One of the most glaring issues is how Suh relates defiance to law enforcement encounters. There’s a big difference between principled resistance and the actions that lead to someone getting shot by the police. That distinction is glossed over in favor of a one-sided take that leans pretty far left. Honestly, I should’ve known what I was getting into when I got the recommendation from Adam Grant.
The book also highlights Marines who embraced defiance, and while that makes for an interesting discussion, let’s be glad our entire military isn’t made up of soldiers who refuse to follow orders. Defiance has its place, but I’d prefer our troops not start questioning commands when they’re, say, ordered to take out a terrorist.
Ultimately, Defy glorifies a version of resistance that often seems more about justifying past decisions after the fact to make them seem intentional and correct, rather than admitting they may have been mistakes. If you’re looking for a book that leans hard in one political direction and celebrates those who criticize America while still enjoying its freedoms, this is for you. Otherwise, you might want to spend your time reading something with a little more balance.
Final Verdict: Some interesting ideas, but too much personal storytelling, a heavy-handed political angle, and a shaky definition of defiance make this one hard to recommend.
March 7, 2025
Sunita Sah is an associate professor at the SC Johnson College of Business at Cornell University; she holds a PhD in organizational psychology from Carnegie Mellon and previously completed a MBChB degree (similar to an American MD) in the UK, but appeared to pivot away from medicine before completing formal training in either the UK (completing foundational and subspecialty training after earning an MBChB) or the US (completing an accredited residency program). I mention this because throughout the book, Sah describes herself with the authority of a qualified medical doctor when discussing medical scenarios that are not at all equivalent (the radiation dose a patient experiences when getting a CT vs. getting an X-ray, and how pleased she is with herself by taking a stand against getting an X-ray when experiencing shoulder discomfort, frustrating her care team), but she is not.
I had a lot of issues with Defy. Sah seems to equate defiance as any act of taking a principled stand against anything that bothers you, from laudable causes like risking your life to help someone else during times of war, to trivial causes like refusing to get an X-ray when it's medically indicated and potentially compromising your own healthcare due to your own ignorance and pride. She talks about how she wants to raise her son to be a "moral maverick, someone who complies with policies and structures that are in line with their moral code but is willing to reject any structure that isn't." Similarly, several of the "moral mavericks" Sah highlights and praises in the book are infamous for the wrong reasons -- being loud, obnoxious and taking a stand in ways that are disruptive, poorly informed, and ultimately unproductive (I would personally put Colin Kaepernick and Greta Thurburg in this category). Sah categorizes them alongside people like Rosa Parks and Rachael Denhollander whose stances and actions were much more carefully considered, measured, and at substantial personal risks to themselves. Individuals who successfully change hearts, minds, and broken systems tend to do be savvy enough to work within the constraints of the system -- and often invest years into gaining the credibility and organizational and process knowledge to be heard when they speak up.
Further reading: better examples of defying authority
The Counterfeit Countess: The Jewish Woman Who Rescued Thousands of Poles During the Holocaust by Elizabeth White
What Is a Girl Worth?: My Story of Breaking the Silence and Exposing the Truth about Larry Nassar and USA Gymnastics by Rachael Denhollander
Whistleblower: My Journey to Silicon Valley and Fight for Justice at Uber by Susan Fowler
What the Eyes Don't See: A Story of Crisis, Resistance, and Hope in an American City by Mona Hanna-Attisha, MD
My statistics:
Book 73 for 2025
Book 1999 cumulatively
I had a lot of issues with Defy. Sah seems to equate defiance as any act of taking a principled stand against anything that bothers you, from laudable causes like risking your life to help someone else during times of war, to trivial causes like refusing to get an X-ray when it's medically indicated and potentially compromising your own healthcare due to your own ignorance and pride. She talks about how she wants to raise her son to be a "moral maverick, someone who complies with policies and structures that are in line with their moral code but is willing to reject any structure that isn't." Similarly, several of the "moral mavericks" Sah highlights and praises in the book are infamous for the wrong reasons -- being loud, obnoxious and taking a stand in ways that are disruptive, poorly informed, and ultimately unproductive (I would personally put Colin Kaepernick and Greta Thurburg in this category). Sah categorizes them alongside people like Rosa Parks and Rachael Denhollander whose stances and actions were much more carefully considered, measured, and at substantial personal risks to themselves. Individuals who successfully change hearts, minds, and broken systems tend to do be savvy enough to work within the constraints of the system -- and often invest years into gaining the credibility and organizational and process knowledge to be heard when they speak up.
Further reading: better examples of defying authority
The Counterfeit Countess: The Jewish Woman Who Rescued Thousands of Poles During the Holocaust by Elizabeth White
What Is a Girl Worth?: My Story of Breaking the Silence and Exposing the Truth about Larry Nassar and USA Gymnastics by Rachael Denhollander
Whistleblower: My Journey to Silicon Valley and Fight for Justice at Uber by Susan Fowler
What the Eyes Don't See: A Story of Crisis, Resistance, and Hope in an American City by Mona Hanna-Attisha, MD
My statistics:
Book 73 for 2025
Book 1999 cumulatively
February 18, 2025
This one took me a while to get through. I had to read it in bits and pieces, because it was very emotionally affecting for me – especially now, at a time when it is pertinent to both the global situation and my personal life. Defy is about how we can move from our default state of compliance (in which we go along with what is expected of us, even if we feel uneasy about it) to one of conscious consent (a “true yes”) or defiance (a “true no”). At its core, defiance (or consent) means living in accordance with our true values, of being fully ourselves. Sah makes the case that not all defiance needs to be big, flashy, and headline-making. Even small acts – like saying “no” to an unethical request or pushing back against a bigoted slur – can have big ripple effects. Moreover, Sah makes the case that you don’t need to be brave or superhuman to defy (though in some cases, you might); you just need to practice. Little acts of defiance (living in accordance with your true values) will make it easier to do it again. I found this book both timely and inspiring, and I recommend it.
February 14, 2025
I wish I have read this book in my youth. The principles she teaches in this book can prevent big and small abuses we face in everyday lives, help us find our true value and live it.
Also, she is so good at giving everyday examples we see in our own lives! This is not a typical psychology book that takes awhile for you to turn each page. It's a fun, relatable, and insightful read. I was able to connect very easily with what she was saying.
Also, she is so good at giving everyday examples we see in our own lives! This is not a typical psychology book that takes awhile for you to turn each page. It's a fun, relatable, and insightful read. I was able to connect very easily with what she was saying.
February 5, 2025
DEFY is an absolute must read! I thought it was very well-written. The narrative masterfully intertwined personal growth with a broader societal impact, offering readers a compelling journey of self-discovery and tools to challenge societal norms. It was both relatable and inspiring!
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January 14, 2025Would you be the man before the tank at Tiananmen Square or Rosa Parks on the bus? While we romanticize revolutionaries and like to believe we’d stand up for justice, in daily life, many of us passively comply with societal expectations, saying “yes” simply because it’s expected. In "Defy: The Power of No in a World That Demands Yes”, Dr. Sunita Sah demonstrates that defiance isn’t about being contrarian. It’s about recognizing when to say no, and more importantly, understanding why and how to do so.
Sah’s book thoughtfully examines the true meaning of consent, emphasizing how passive compliance is often confused with true agreement. She highlights that consent is often a default response rather than an active choice—like clicking "I agree" to terms or signing forms without understanding them. This, she argues, is passive compliance, not true consent. True consent requires awareness, considering dissent as an option, forming the basis of what Sah terms a “True No.” Defiance, Sah explains, is not mere rejection but a conscious alignment with one’s core values. It’s a deliberate choice to resist manipulation or coercion and stand up for one’s beliefs.
“Defy” demystifies defiance, showing it’s not just for historic figures but for anyone in everyday life. Sah guides readers to recognize moments of discomfort—our internal signal that something feels wrong—and suggests this is when we may need to say no.
She offers practical steps to build the “muscles” of active consent and defiance, habits that help us live authentically and align with our values. Sah’s guidance is pragmatic, showing that defiance doesn’t have to be dramatic; small acts in personal, professional, or societal contexts can make a meaningful difference in reclaiming agency.
Importantly, Sah acknowledges defiance isn’t always an option for everyone. Socioeconomic pressures, social bonds, and marginalized identities can complicate or limit open defiance. Sah is careful to note that defiance should not be idealized to the point of overlooking its challenges She emphasizes that sometimes choosing not to defy is a deliberate, thoughtful decision rooted in survival or careful consideration.
As we head into a new presidency, many of us have concerns about what the future holds. Democracy around the world seems to be at risk, and now more than ever, it is time to take Sah's message to heart and convert it into action. "Defy” serves as a timely reminder that standing up for what we believe in is essential for safeguarding our values, our rights, and the health of our democracy. Sah’s call for active consent and conscious defiance is not just an individual journey, it’s a collective one. Defiance is vital for creating a society where we can live authentically and with agency, despite the pressures that seek to conform us.
Sah’s book thoughtfully examines the true meaning of consent, emphasizing how passive compliance is often confused with true agreement. She highlights that consent is often a default response rather than an active choice—like clicking "I agree" to terms or signing forms without understanding them. This, she argues, is passive compliance, not true consent. True consent requires awareness, considering dissent as an option, forming the basis of what Sah terms a “True No.” Defiance, Sah explains, is not mere rejection but a conscious alignment with one’s core values. It’s a deliberate choice to resist manipulation or coercion and stand up for one’s beliefs.
“Defy” demystifies defiance, showing it’s not just for historic figures but for anyone in everyday life. Sah guides readers to recognize moments of discomfort—our internal signal that something feels wrong—and suggests this is when we may need to say no.
She offers practical steps to build the “muscles” of active consent and defiance, habits that help us live authentically and align with our values. Sah’s guidance is pragmatic, showing that defiance doesn’t have to be dramatic; small acts in personal, professional, or societal contexts can make a meaningful difference in reclaiming agency.
Importantly, Sah acknowledges defiance isn’t always an option for everyone. Socioeconomic pressures, social bonds, and marginalized identities can complicate or limit open defiance. Sah is careful to note that defiance should not be idealized to the point of overlooking its challenges She emphasizes that sometimes choosing not to defy is a deliberate, thoughtful decision rooted in survival or careful consideration.
As we head into a new presidency, many of us have concerns about what the future holds. Democracy around the world seems to be at risk, and now more than ever, it is time to take Sah's message to heart and convert it into action. "Defy” serves as a timely reminder that standing up for what we believe in is essential for safeguarding our values, our rights, and the health of our democracy. Sah’s call for active consent and conscious defiance is not just an individual journey, it’s a collective one. Defiance is vital for creating a society where we can live authentically and with agency, despite the pressures that seek to conform us.
January 27, 2025
Defy by Dr. Sunita Sah is one of those rare books that captivated my thoughts while reading and has lingered in my mind weeks later. It’s the kind of book you can’t help but tell others about—and everyone I’ve mentioned it to has immediately added it to their reading list.
Dr. Sah masterfully blends relatable examples from everyday life (like medical contexts or even getting a haircut) with gripping stories of people who either defied or complied in moments of grave danger. These examples are not only compelling but also deeply thought-provoking. She challenges our tendency to see ourselves as the hero in such stories while showing how difficult it is to predict our actual behavior under pressure.
One of the most powerful takeaways from Defy is the importance of preparation. Sunita shares research-backed techniques, including practicing in advance how we will respond in high-stress situations where we need to defy authority or expectations. This advice feels both practical and empowering—helping us align our actions with our deepest values.
This book is a guide to saying no with clarity and confidence, a tool for staying true to what matters most, and a reminder of our humanity in complex situations. I could say so much more, but I’ll end with this: Defy is an essential read. It will challenge you, equip you, and stay with you. Highly recommend!
Dr. Sah masterfully blends relatable examples from everyday life (like medical contexts or even getting a haircut) with gripping stories of people who either defied or complied in moments of grave danger. These examples are not only compelling but also deeply thought-provoking. She challenges our tendency to see ourselves as the hero in such stories while showing how difficult it is to predict our actual behavior under pressure.
One of the most powerful takeaways from Defy is the importance of preparation. Sunita shares research-backed techniques, including practicing in advance how we will respond in high-stress situations where we need to defy authority or expectations. This advice feels both practical and empowering—helping us align our actions with our deepest values.
This book is a guide to saying no with clarity and confidence, a tool for staying true to what matters most, and a reminder of our humanity in complex situations. I could say so much more, but I’ll end with this: Defy is an essential read. It will challenge you, equip you, and stay with you. Highly recommend!
March 23, 2025
This new book was just published at the beginning of 2025. It is the first book of this nature that I have seen. It talks about how regular people can break out of the habit of accepting things as they are and try to live their life while taking positions that are in line with their values. The author gives a good deal of information about her own life, as well as describing some relatively well known people who made a difference in the world past, and present by taking considered positions against what must seem to be the norm.
December 3, 2024
The projects I need often come at the right moment, and the day after the election, I had the comfort of directing Dr. Sunita Sah in the narration of her forthcoming book
DEFY: THE POWER OF NO IN A WORLD THAT DEMANDS YES (@PRHAudio/Jan 2025).
Rather than remain adrift in a state of numb election day-after dread and mourning, I was fortunate to have meaningful and timely work to do.
Dr. Sah's beautifully-researched, -written, and -voiced book is perfectly timed to answer the perils of the present moment, and the question: What are we to do? Dr. Sah teaches us the transformative power of living in alignment with our values, honing our critical thinking, and holding ourselves accountable to the purpose of resistance even when everyone around us gives in. If we have the courage to defy lies, manipulation, and brutality, we move closer to the systemic change that will offer the opportunity, justice, equality, and safety that all people deserve.
DEFY: THE POWER OF NO IN A WORLD THAT DEMANDS YES (@PRHAudio/Jan 2025).
Rather than remain adrift in a state of numb election day-after dread and mourning, I was fortunate to have meaningful and timely work to do.
Dr. Sah's beautifully-researched, -written, and -voiced book is perfectly timed to answer the perils of the present moment, and the question: What are we to do? Dr. Sah teaches us the transformative power of living in alignment with our values, honing our critical thinking, and holding ourselves accountable to the purpose of resistance even when everyone around us gives in. If we have the courage to defy lies, manipulation, and brutality, we move closer to the systemic change that will offer the opportunity, justice, equality, and safety that all people deserve.
October 28, 2025
I stretched this book out over three library renewals and, though accidental, it proved a wonderful way for me to read it. Written as an actual guide for cultivating the ability to *choose* whether to comply or defy - to give a true Yes or True No - it was the perfect umbrella for considering all my other reading.
Recognizing that the Milgrim experiments on conformity were being played out in the streets when George Floyd was tortured and murdered by a police officer while other officers watched, Sah wrote a book aimed at teaching people how to align their actions with their morals and defy orders and expectations that don't align with their core values; a book every person who cares about their world and their role in it, should read.
The book is timely, wise, and gives culturally relevant examples: Colin Kapernick, Greta Thurnburg, the mom who busted past the Uvalde police to save her kids; true heros. If we want a world with more people like them, we need this book to be read, metabolized, and put to work immediately.
Recognizing that the Milgrim experiments on conformity were being played out in the streets when George Floyd was tortured and murdered by a police officer while other officers watched, Sah wrote a book aimed at teaching people how to align their actions with their morals and defy orders and expectations that don't align with their core values; a book every person who cares about their world and their role in it, should read.
The book is timely, wise, and gives culturally relevant examples: Colin Kapernick, Greta Thurnburg, the mom who busted past the Uvalde police to save her kids; true heros. If we want a world with more people like them, we need this book to be read, metabolized, and put to work immediately.
January 12, 2025
Thank you to @RandomHouse and #NetGalley for the DRC of #Defy. The opinions expressed here are entirely my own.
I found this book very interesting and it feels timely in the current political climate in the US and beyond. Dr. Sah writes about defiance in a very personal, relatable way, illustrating how social and psychological norms can prevent us from following our true values and moral compass.
Sah doesn't rely solely on research to make her point. The book is layered with examples of real life defiance - from Rosa Parks to Greta Thunberg and the Challenger engineers.
Overall, a good read that will make you think.
I found this book very interesting and it feels timely in the current political climate in the US and beyond. Dr. Sah writes about defiance in a very personal, relatable way, illustrating how social and psychological norms can prevent us from following our true values and moral compass.
Sah doesn't rely solely on research to make her point. The book is layered with examples of real life defiance - from Rosa Parks to Greta Thunberg and the Challenger engineers.
Overall, a good read that will make you think.
January 28, 2025
Usually, I'd give it 3 stars (most of the research and examples I'd read/heard before), but I'm bumping up to 4 stars for chapter 3 alone!
Several chapters of this book were so eye-opening that I couldn't wait to find a digital copy to share with others I believed would benefit from it (chapter 3, particularly, the five essential elements of consent /the difference between true consent and mere compliance). However, other chapters weren't as personally impactful. Perhaps each of us responds differently based on our bank of experiences. Therefore, I can easily see that this book might underwhelm some of my friends.
I won't try to convince you that it's the best thing ever; I will only say a few things from my personal experience:
1. Her research indicates that women are more likely to comply because they're culturally conditioned to "be good," meaning obedience, respect, and silence. I agree with this SO MUCH. From childhood, women are taught to be quiet and kind and not cause trouble. The natural result of this is women who submit to abuse and worse because they fear disturbing a cultural order by breaking their "good behavior" pattern. I've seen this repeatedly as I help counsel people who have experienced trauma.
2. Although her research doesn't cover this (I think it was barely mentioned), religion/spirituality has to increase the odds ASTRONOMICALLY that one will comply against their heart values. Religious principles often prioritize another's feelings over our own, respect for spiritual leaders/elders, or even obedience to the extent that people (again, women are a high majority) overlook their misgivings because they believe the biblical thing or the correct religious response is love at all costs. They will submit to abuse, violence, danger, and more because they think that the other person has such value that we're obligated to do whatever it takes to reach them. Sadly, manipulative abusers capitalize on those religious instructions and create even more pressure.
3. I do not believe in defiance for defiance's sake, but I do believe in bringing things to light and using the voice that God has given us to reveal the truth, even when others do not want to accept it. I hope we can do it with a balance of truth and grace because that is how Christ communicated. However, we cannot comply with evil simply because we don't know how to say no; this is wrong.
Anyway, this was a thought-provoking read with varied and practical examples (admittedly, I'd read/heard most of them before - not much new in the examples). I did the audiobook, which I believe was narrated by the author herself, which added more depth to the words.
Several chapters of this book were so eye-opening that I couldn't wait to find a digital copy to share with others I believed would benefit from it (chapter 3, particularly, the five essential elements of consent /the difference between true consent and mere compliance). However, other chapters weren't as personally impactful. Perhaps each of us responds differently based on our bank of experiences. Therefore, I can easily see that this book might underwhelm some of my friends.
I won't try to convince you that it's the best thing ever; I will only say a few things from my personal experience:
1. Her research indicates that women are more likely to comply because they're culturally conditioned to "be good," meaning obedience, respect, and silence. I agree with this SO MUCH. From childhood, women are taught to be quiet and kind and not cause trouble. The natural result of this is women who submit to abuse and worse because they fear disturbing a cultural order by breaking their "good behavior" pattern. I've seen this repeatedly as I help counsel people who have experienced trauma.
2. Although her research doesn't cover this (I think it was barely mentioned), religion/spirituality has to increase the odds ASTRONOMICALLY that one will comply against their heart values. Religious principles often prioritize another's feelings over our own, respect for spiritual leaders/elders, or even obedience to the extent that people (again, women are a high majority) overlook their misgivings because they believe the biblical thing or the correct religious response is love at all costs. They will submit to abuse, violence, danger, and more because they think that the other person has such value that we're obligated to do whatever it takes to reach them. Sadly, manipulative abusers capitalize on those religious instructions and create even more pressure.
3. I do not believe in defiance for defiance's sake, but I do believe in bringing things to light and using the voice that God has given us to reveal the truth, even when others do not want to accept it. I hope we can do it with a balance of truth and grace because that is how Christ communicated. However, we cannot comply with evil simply because we don't know how to say no; this is wrong.
Anyway, this was a thought-provoking read with varied and practical examples (admittedly, I'd read/heard most of them before - not much new in the examples). I did the audiobook, which I believe was narrated by the author herself, which added more depth to the words.
December 7, 2024
Defy by Dr. Sunita Sah is easily the best book I’ve ever read on this topic. I never knew there was so much to know on defiance, but I found myself picking my jaw up off the floor in each and every chapter. This book is filled with case studies of well known people who have been made famous (or infamous) due to their defiance.
Defy opens with a deep look into the deeply rooted idea that says good person = compliant, bad person = defiant. Dr. Sah then looks closely at several studies to demonstrate how strongly most people cling to this idea. This book is broken up into three sections: the true yes, the true no, and becoming a moral maverick. The true yes section is a deeper look into what true consent looks like and the five necessary qualities of a true yes. The True No section is on the opposite side of the spectrum as the true yes, but all prerequisite qualities necessary for a true yes are also required for a true no. This section of the book really digs into what it means to be defiant. The final section on becoming a moral maverick dives into how a person might practice their ability to defy so that if a situation occurs that requires you give your true no, you can do so.
This book was so approachable and SO good. I enjoyed the writing and the many stories and case studies about real people who knew the time for defiance was now. I highly recommend this book!!
I would like to thank Random House Publishing Group and NetGalley for the eARC in exchange for my honest review. All thoughts and opinions are my own.
Defy opens with a deep look into the deeply rooted idea that says good person = compliant, bad person = defiant. Dr. Sah then looks closely at several studies to demonstrate how strongly most people cling to this idea. This book is broken up into three sections: the true yes, the true no, and becoming a moral maverick. The true yes section is a deeper look into what true consent looks like and the five necessary qualities of a true yes. The True No section is on the opposite side of the spectrum as the true yes, but all prerequisite qualities necessary for a true yes are also required for a true no. This section of the book really digs into what it means to be defiant. The final section on becoming a moral maverick dives into how a person might practice their ability to defy so that if a situation occurs that requires you give your true no, you can do so.
This book was so approachable and SO good. I enjoyed the writing and the many stories and case studies about real people who knew the time for defiance was now. I highly recommend this book!!
I would like to thank Random House Publishing Group and NetGalley for the eARC in exchange for my honest review. All thoughts and opinions are my own.
January 6, 2025
Through a series of powerful stories, Dr. Sunita Sah has created a thought provoking work that should be required reading for all.
Defy is a masterclass on the workings of the human mind. It examines the decision-making process through engaging storytelling and real-world examples that paint a vivid picture of how we think, and are influenced by people, environments and societal norms. Dr. Sah's great sense of storytelling engages from the beginning and weaves in examples across the spectrum from obedience to defiance. It makes the reader question, in a good way, their own values and actions and to consider how to stand up for what they believe is just.
Defy is a masterclass on the workings of the human mind. It examines the decision-making process through engaging storytelling and real-world examples that paint a vivid picture of how we think, and are influenced by people, environments and societal norms. Dr. Sah's great sense of storytelling engages from the beginning and weaves in examples across the spectrum from obedience to defiance. It makes the reader question, in a good way, their own values and actions and to consider how to stand up for what they believe is just.
January 27, 2025
4.5 stars. An interesting discussion of why we do and don’t defy. The book covers compliance vs. consent, various instances of compliance and defiance and the five steps of defiance that starts with tension, that feeling that something this just not right.
November 10, 2024
No. I will not write a review.
March 5, 2025
Thank you netgalley for the ARC. I loved this book and felt that it was a bit more applicable than the ususal "how to push back against society". Defiance isn't an action but instead a reaction. It can change and it can mean different things at different times. I really liked this!
March 14, 2025
It is a good book to read! A lot of life examples!
April 9, 2025
Dr. Sunita Sah's groundbreaking book, Defy: The Power of No in a World That Demands Yes, arrives at a critical moment when the pressure to comply permeates nearly every aspect of our lives. As an organizational psychologist and former physician, Sah brings a unique interdisciplinary perspective to this exploration of why we so often acquiesce when our instincts tell us to resist.
What sets this book apart is Sah's radical redefinition of defiance itself. Rather than characterizing it as mere disobedience or rebellion, she reframes it as "acting in accordance with your true values when there is pressure to do otherwise." This subtle but powerful shift transforms defiance from something negative or confrontational into an affirmative act of personal integrity.
Through a masterful blend of scientific research, personal anecdotes, and compelling case studies, Sah illuminates the psychological mechanisms that lead us to comply even when every fiber of our being resists. The book's true genius lies in making visible the invisible pressures that erode our agency and offering practical strategies for reclaiming it.
A Personal Journey Through Compliance and Resistance
Sah's narrative begins with a powerful reflection on George Floyd's murder in 2020, examining why the rookie officers present failed to intervene when Derek Chauvin pressed his knee on Floyd's neck for over nine minutes. She juxtaposes this with her own experience of submitting to an unnecessary CT scan despite her medical expertise telling her it wasn't needed.
This candid self-reflection sets the tone for a book that's both scholarly and deeply personal. Sah weaves her own experiences throughout – from her childhood as the daughter of Indian immigrants in Yorkshire, England, where being "good" meant being obedient, to her evolving identity as a physician, researcher, and eventually, a self-described "moral maverick."
What emerges is not just an academic treatise but a compelling journey of self-discovery that invites readers to examine their own relationship with compliance and defiance.
The Science Behind Our Surrender
The theoretical backbone of the book is impressively robust. Sah draws extensively on psychology research, particularly Stanley Milgram's famous obedience experiments, but brings fresh insights to these well-known studies. She notes that many of Milgram's "obedient" subjects displayed signs of inner conflict – nervous laughter, sweating, hesitation – suggesting they were attempting to resist even as they ultimately complied.
This observation leads to one of the book's most valuable contributions: the recognition that defiance exists on a spectrum rather than as a binary choice. Sah outlines five stages of defiance:
- Tension - Feeling discomfort when our values conflict with expectations
- Acknowledgment - Recognizing that tension within ourselves
- Escalation - Expressing discomfort to others
- Threat of non-compliance - Stating we will not comply
- Act of defiance - Actually refusing to comply
Understanding these stages helps demystify the process of defiance and makes it more accessible even to those who don't see themselves as naturally defiant.
The Power Dynamics of Defiance
One of the book's most compelling sections examines who gets to defy. Sah doesn't shy away from discussing how race, gender, and other social identities create a "hierarchy of defiance" where some people face much steeper costs for non-compliance than others.
Through interviews with police officers of color and other professionals from marginalized groups, she illustrates how the freedom to say "no" is unevenly distributed. This analysis adds crucial nuance to the discussion, acknowledging that while defiance is universally important, the stakes and strategies may differ dramatically depending on one's social position.
From Theory to Practice: Building Defiance Muscles
The final third of the book shifts from explaining the problem to offering solutions. Sah introduces what she calls the "Defiance Compass," a framework for deciding when and how to defy that asks three key questions:
- Who am I? (Understanding your core values)
- What kind of situation is this? (Assessing safety and potential impact)
- What does a person like me do in a situation like this? (Connecting values to action)
She supplements this framework with practical strategies for developing "defiance muscles," such as:
- Creating physical or psychological distance before making decisions
- Practicing small acts of defiance to build confidence
- Recognizing and naming pressures like "insinuation anxiety" (fear of signaling distrust) and the "sales pitch effect" (pressure to seem helpful)
- Understanding when "quiet defiance" or "conscious compliance" might be more strategic than outright resistance
Critical Assessment: Strengths and Limitations
Sah's work shines in its ability to make complex psychological concepts accessible without oversimplification. Her extensive research background lends authority to her arguments, while her personal stories and case studies bring them to life.
The book's core strength is its nuanced approach. Rather than offering simplistic advice to "just say no," Sah acknowledges the real risks of defiance and provides tools for navigating them thoughtfully. She recognizes that sometimes strategic compliance is necessary for survival, particularly for those in vulnerable positions.
However, the book has a few limitations worth noting:
1. Cultural specificity: While Sah acknowledges cultural differences in attitudes toward compliance, the book primarily addresses Western contexts where individualism is often prized. The challenges of defiance in more collectivist cultures deserves deeper exploration.
2. Institutional focus: The book primarily addresses individual defiance rather than collective action or institutional change. While Sah mentions that systems should change to make defiance easier and safer, strategies for creating such systems receive relatively little attention.
3. Implementation challenges: Some readers might find the transition from understanding defiance to consistently practicing it more difficult than the book suggests. The psychological barriers to defiance run deep, and overcoming them often requires more than intellectual recognition.
Despite these limitations, the book offers invaluable insights for anyone who has ever felt pressure to comply against their better judgment – which is to say, virtually everyone.
Who Should Read This Book?
Defy speaks to a remarkably wide audience:
- Professionals in hierarchical organizations will find strategies for maintaining integrity in environments that often suppress dissent
- Parents and educators will gain insights into nurturing healthy autonomy in children without encouraging mere rebelliousness
- Members of marginalized groups will find validation of their experiences and tools for strategic resistance
- Leaders and managers will learn how to create environments where constructive dissent is possible
- Anyone who has ever struggled to say "no" will discover both the science behind their struggle and practical ways to overcome it
Final Verdict: A Necessary Guide for Navigating a Compliance-Driven World
Defy is a rare book that manages to be both intellectually rigorous and emotionally resonant. Dr. Sah's work transforms our understanding of defiance from a trait of the rebellious few to a capacity within all of us – one that can be cultivated through practice and reflection.
In a world where compliance is often the path of least resistance, Defy offers both permission and practical guidance for standing firm in our values. It reminds us that sometimes the most powerful thing we can do is simply say "no" – not out of spite or rebellion, but out of fidelity to our deepest principles.
While not perfect, this book represents a significant contribution to our understanding of human behavior in situations of pressure and influence. For anyone who has ever felt uneasy about going along with something that didn't feel right, Defy offers both validation and a way forward. It deserves a place on the bookshelf of anyone interested in psychology, leadership, or personal development.
In a culture that celebrates saying "yes" to everything, Sah makes a compelling case for the power and necessity of a well-considered "no." It's a message we desperately need to hear.
What sets this book apart is Sah's radical redefinition of defiance itself. Rather than characterizing it as mere disobedience or rebellion, she reframes it as "acting in accordance with your true values when there is pressure to do otherwise." This subtle but powerful shift transforms defiance from something negative or confrontational into an affirmative act of personal integrity.
Through a masterful blend of scientific research, personal anecdotes, and compelling case studies, Sah illuminates the psychological mechanisms that lead us to comply even when every fiber of our being resists. The book's true genius lies in making visible the invisible pressures that erode our agency and offering practical strategies for reclaiming it.
A Personal Journey Through Compliance and Resistance
Sah's narrative begins with a powerful reflection on George Floyd's murder in 2020, examining why the rookie officers present failed to intervene when Derek Chauvin pressed his knee on Floyd's neck for over nine minutes. She juxtaposes this with her own experience of submitting to an unnecessary CT scan despite her medical expertise telling her it wasn't needed.
This candid self-reflection sets the tone for a book that's both scholarly and deeply personal. Sah weaves her own experiences throughout – from her childhood as the daughter of Indian immigrants in Yorkshire, England, where being "good" meant being obedient, to her evolving identity as a physician, researcher, and eventually, a self-described "moral maverick."
What emerges is not just an academic treatise but a compelling journey of self-discovery that invites readers to examine their own relationship with compliance and defiance.
The Science Behind Our Surrender
The theoretical backbone of the book is impressively robust. Sah draws extensively on psychology research, particularly Stanley Milgram's famous obedience experiments, but brings fresh insights to these well-known studies. She notes that many of Milgram's "obedient" subjects displayed signs of inner conflict – nervous laughter, sweating, hesitation – suggesting they were attempting to resist even as they ultimately complied.
This observation leads to one of the book's most valuable contributions: the recognition that defiance exists on a spectrum rather than as a binary choice. Sah outlines five stages of defiance:
- Tension - Feeling discomfort when our values conflict with expectations
- Acknowledgment - Recognizing that tension within ourselves
- Escalation - Expressing discomfort to others
- Threat of non-compliance - Stating we will not comply
- Act of defiance - Actually refusing to comply
Understanding these stages helps demystify the process of defiance and makes it more accessible even to those who don't see themselves as naturally defiant.
The Power Dynamics of Defiance
One of the book's most compelling sections examines who gets to defy. Sah doesn't shy away from discussing how race, gender, and other social identities create a "hierarchy of defiance" where some people face much steeper costs for non-compliance than others.
Through interviews with police officers of color and other professionals from marginalized groups, she illustrates how the freedom to say "no" is unevenly distributed. This analysis adds crucial nuance to the discussion, acknowledging that while defiance is universally important, the stakes and strategies may differ dramatically depending on one's social position.
From Theory to Practice: Building Defiance Muscles
The final third of the book shifts from explaining the problem to offering solutions. Sah introduces what she calls the "Defiance Compass," a framework for deciding when and how to defy that asks three key questions:
- Who am I? (Understanding your core values)
- What kind of situation is this? (Assessing safety and potential impact)
- What does a person like me do in a situation like this? (Connecting values to action)
She supplements this framework with practical strategies for developing "defiance muscles," such as:
- Creating physical or psychological distance before making decisions
- Practicing small acts of defiance to build confidence
- Recognizing and naming pressures like "insinuation anxiety" (fear of signaling distrust) and the "sales pitch effect" (pressure to seem helpful)
- Understanding when "quiet defiance" or "conscious compliance" might be more strategic than outright resistance
Critical Assessment: Strengths and Limitations
Sah's work shines in its ability to make complex psychological concepts accessible without oversimplification. Her extensive research background lends authority to her arguments, while her personal stories and case studies bring them to life.
The book's core strength is its nuanced approach. Rather than offering simplistic advice to "just say no," Sah acknowledges the real risks of defiance and provides tools for navigating them thoughtfully. She recognizes that sometimes strategic compliance is necessary for survival, particularly for those in vulnerable positions.
However, the book has a few limitations worth noting:
1. Cultural specificity: While Sah acknowledges cultural differences in attitudes toward compliance, the book primarily addresses Western contexts where individualism is often prized. The challenges of defiance in more collectivist cultures deserves deeper exploration.
2. Institutional focus: The book primarily addresses individual defiance rather than collective action or institutional change. While Sah mentions that systems should change to make defiance easier and safer, strategies for creating such systems receive relatively little attention.
3. Implementation challenges: Some readers might find the transition from understanding defiance to consistently practicing it more difficult than the book suggests. The psychological barriers to defiance run deep, and overcoming them often requires more than intellectual recognition.
Despite these limitations, the book offers invaluable insights for anyone who has ever felt pressure to comply against their better judgment – which is to say, virtually everyone.
Who Should Read This Book?
Defy speaks to a remarkably wide audience:
- Professionals in hierarchical organizations will find strategies for maintaining integrity in environments that often suppress dissent
- Parents and educators will gain insights into nurturing healthy autonomy in children without encouraging mere rebelliousness
- Members of marginalized groups will find validation of their experiences and tools for strategic resistance
- Leaders and managers will learn how to create environments where constructive dissent is possible
- Anyone who has ever struggled to say "no" will discover both the science behind their struggle and practical ways to overcome it
Final Verdict: A Necessary Guide for Navigating a Compliance-Driven World
Defy is a rare book that manages to be both intellectually rigorous and emotionally resonant. Dr. Sah's work transforms our understanding of defiance from a trait of the rebellious few to a capacity within all of us – one that can be cultivated through practice and reflection.
In a world where compliance is often the path of least resistance, Defy offers both permission and practical guidance for standing firm in our values. It reminds us that sometimes the most powerful thing we can do is simply say "no" – not out of spite or rebellion, but out of fidelity to our deepest principles.
While not perfect, this book represents a significant contribution to our understanding of human behavior in situations of pressure and influence. For anyone who has ever felt uneasy about going along with something that didn't feel right, Defy offers both validation and a way forward. It deserves a place on the bookshelf of anyone interested in psychology, leadership, or personal development.
In a culture that celebrates saying "yes" to everything, Sah makes a compelling case for the power and necessity of a well-considered "no." It's a message we desperately need to hear.
October 21, 2025
When the opening pages takes you back to the knee with George Floyd you have to sit up. I started the book thinking it'll be a 4* read with lots to share and take note on how to stand out but when the act or stand of defiance is peppered with tales from Sunita Sah's life I couldn't help but wonder that every NO is not always an act of defiance. There's a line between being defiant and stubborn or hard-headed but I completely see how refusing to do something that does not align with your values may be an act of defiance however one has to question one's value/ motive in the first place. Sometimes defiance can be YES!
Further discussion post reading this book raised the issue of being in a place of privilege sometimes to refuse but that is not always afforded to all.
Further discussion post reading this book raised the issue of being in a place of privilege sometimes to refuse but that is not always afforded to all.
March 10, 2025
In her book, "Defy: The Power of No in a World That Demands Yes," Sunita Sah delves into the psychology of compliance and defiance, offering a nuanced exploration of why we often struggle to uphold our values when faced with external pressures. She emphasizes that while compliance is deeply ingrained from childhood through social and neurological conditioning, defiance is a skill that can be consciously developed and practiced. By redefining defiance as intentional alignment with one's values, Sah presents practical tools and insights for navigating ethical challenges and resisting undue influence.
The story of Alex Kueng, a Minneapolis police officer involved in George Floyd’s killing, serves as a powerful example of the gap between our moral self-image and our behavior under pressure. Despite joining the police force with the intention of fostering positive change, Kueng found himself complying with senior officer Derek Chauvin during the deadly restraint of Floyd. This incident highlights how difficult it can be to act against authority even when one recognizes wrongdoing. Sah argues that meaningful defiance is not only about dramatic acts of rebellion but also about quiet, decisive choices that reflect our inner principles.
Sah explores the roots of obedience, starting from childhood when our brains are conditioned to associate compliance with reward through the release of dopamine. This neural pattern is reinforced by various societal institutions such as schools and workplaces, which promote conformity and discipline. While this system of compliance contributes to societal order and cooperation, it also makes it challenging to recognize and resist harmful directives. She points out that the internalized nature of obedience often causes defiance to feel unnatural, as it goes against our deeply established neural pathways.
A key concept in the book is the distinction between compliance and true consent. Through her own experience with a financial advisor, Sah illustrates how external pressures can manipulate our choices, leading to compliance without genuine consent. She introduces the medical field’s framework of informed consent, which consists of five essential elements: capacity, knowledge, understanding, freedom, and authorization. These elements ensure that a decision is made freely and with full comprehension of its implications. Situations that undermine any of these aspects may produce compliance but not true consent. Recognizing this distinction allows individuals to better evaluate when they are being subtly coerced or misled.
Sah also introduces the 'Defiance Compass,' a decision-making tool that helps individuals align their actions with their values. It revolves around three pivotal questions: 'Who am I?', 'What kind of situation is this?', and 'What does someone like me do in this situation?' By engaging in this form of self-inquiry, people can navigate ethical dilemmas more effectively. This approach is not just about avoiding compliance but about actively choosing behaviors that reinforce one's core identity and integrity.
The book emphasizes that practicing defiance is like building a muscle. Sah outlines five stages of transformation from compliance to defiance: feeling internal tension, recognizing discomfort, voicing concerns, stating intentions to resist, and taking concrete action. She shares the example of Officer Kevin, who resisted an illegal order by mentally rehearsing potential scenarios. His preparation helped him act with resolve despite fear and pressure, demonstrating how cognitive rehearsal can strengthen our capacity for principled resistance.
Sah reframes fear as a potential ally in defiance, explaining that when harnessed correctly, fear can propel us into action rather than compliance. This reframing involves mental rehearsal and exposure to smaller acts of resistance that build the confidence needed for more significant defiance. She reinforces the idea that defiance is not an innate quality but a skill developed through deliberate practice, echoing Archilochus’ wisdom that under pressure, we fall to the level of our training.
Ultimately, "Defy" offers a compelling message: saying no in a world that often demands yes is not about rebellion for its own sake but about living authentically according to one's values. By understanding the difference between compliance and consent and by regularly practicing small acts of defiance, we can prepare ourselves to stand firm when it matters most. Sah’s insights encourage readers to cultivate the courage to uphold their principles, transforming fear into a force for good and ensuring their actions align with who they truly are.
The story of Alex Kueng, a Minneapolis police officer involved in George Floyd’s killing, serves as a powerful example of the gap between our moral self-image and our behavior under pressure. Despite joining the police force with the intention of fostering positive change, Kueng found himself complying with senior officer Derek Chauvin during the deadly restraint of Floyd. This incident highlights how difficult it can be to act against authority even when one recognizes wrongdoing. Sah argues that meaningful defiance is not only about dramatic acts of rebellion but also about quiet, decisive choices that reflect our inner principles.
Sah explores the roots of obedience, starting from childhood when our brains are conditioned to associate compliance with reward through the release of dopamine. This neural pattern is reinforced by various societal institutions such as schools and workplaces, which promote conformity and discipline. While this system of compliance contributes to societal order and cooperation, it also makes it challenging to recognize and resist harmful directives. She points out that the internalized nature of obedience often causes defiance to feel unnatural, as it goes against our deeply established neural pathways.
A key concept in the book is the distinction between compliance and true consent. Through her own experience with a financial advisor, Sah illustrates how external pressures can manipulate our choices, leading to compliance without genuine consent. She introduces the medical field’s framework of informed consent, which consists of five essential elements: capacity, knowledge, understanding, freedom, and authorization. These elements ensure that a decision is made freely and with full comprehension of its implications. Situations that undermine any of these aspects may produce compliance but not true consent. Recognizing this distinction allows individuals to better evaluate when they are being subtly coerced or misled.
Sah also introduces the 'Defiance Compass,' a decision-making tool that helps individuals align their actions with their values. It revolves around three pivotal questions: 'Who am I?', 'What kind of situation is this?', and 'What does someone like me do in this situation?' By engaging in this form of self-inquiry, people can navigate ethical dilemmas more effectively. This approach is not just about avoiding compliance but about actively choosing behaviors that reinforce one's core identity and integrity.
The book emphasizes that practicing defiance is like building a muscle. Sah outlines five stages of transformation from compliance to defiance: feeling internal tension, recognizing discomfort, voicing concerns, stating intentions to resist, and taking concrete action. She shares the example of Officer Kevin, who resisted an illegal order by mentally rehearsing potential scenarios. His preparation helped him act with resolve despite fear and pressure, demonstrating how cognitive rehearsal can strengthen our capacity for principled resistance.
Sah reframes fear as a potential ally in defiance, explaining that when harnessed correctly, fear can propel us into action rather than compliance. This reframing involves mental rehearsal and exposure to smaller acts of resistance that build the confidence needed for more significant defiance. She reinforces the idea that defiance is not an innate quality but a skill developed through deliberate practice, echoing Archilochus’ wisdom that under pressure, we fall to the level of our training.
Ultimately, "Defy" offers a compelling message: saying no in a world that often demands yes is not about rebellion for its own sake but about living authentically according to one's values. By understanding the difference between compliance and consent and by regularly practicing small acts of defiance, we can prepare ourselves to stand firm when it matters most. Sah’s insights encourage readers to cultivate the courage to uphold their principles, transforming fear into a force for good and ensuring their actions align with who they truly are.
April 14, 2025
Vind jij het ook zo moeilijk om je mening uit te spreken, ondanks dat je weet dat iets fout is?
Organisatiepsycholoog dr. Sunita Sah legt je uit hoe je de kracht van het 'nee' zeggen kan ontdekken en benutten. Hoe vaak heb je niet willen protesteren, je mening willen geven, iets willen afwijzen, maar in plaats daarvan heb je je aangepast en gezwegen? Hoe komt het dat de druk om te conformeren zo sterk is? Aan de hand van verschillende onderzoeken en inspirerende voorbeelden laat dr. Sunita Sah je zien hoe weerbaarheid een positieve kracht kan zijn voor persoonlijke verandering en groei. Weerbaarheid kent vijf fases, wanneer je deze verkent samen met de praktische tools die dit boek biedt leer je je eigen waarden en overtuigingen kennen. Met dit boek leer je hoe je kan opstaan wanneer het er echt toe doet.
Mijn ervaring:
Wat een enorm leerzaam, inspirerend en mooi boek. Sunita Sah heeft een toegankelijke, redelijk vlotte en fijne schrijfstijl. Daarbij weet ze de wetenschappelijke onderzoeken die aan bod komen op heldere, toegankelijke en makkelijke wijze te verwoorden en weet ze dit mooi te combineren met inspirerende voorbeelden en haar eigen persoonlijke verhaal. Daarbij biedt ze ook nog verschillende handvatten hoe je je eigen weerbaarheid kan verhogen.
Het boek is opgedeeld in drie delen: Een ware ja, Een ware nee en Wordt een morele dissident. Waarbij tot slot nog een heldere conclusie volgt, waarin ze de besproken kennis van de drie delen helder en beknopt nog eens samenvat.
In het eerste deel, doet Sunita Sah onderzoek naar het kennen van een ware ja, waarom we voorgeprogrammeerd zijn om te volgen, hoe je kan losbreken van de beïnvloeding en het terugpakken van je eigen macht. Wat ik in dit deel het meest inspirerend vond, was het inzicht waarom we zo gemakkelijk volgen en niet stilstaan bij wat je daadwerkelijk wil en voelt. Wat je eigen overtuiging is. Ook het inzicht dat alle mensen met dit gevoel worstelen, laat zien dat weerbaarheid tonen nog niet zo gemakkelijk is.
In het tweede deel gaat Sunita Sah verder in op het verzetten en het ontdekken van je ware nee. Weerbaarheid kent vijf fases: hoe doorloop je ze en hoe herken je ze. Hierbij wist Sunita Sah het verhaal goed te ondersteunen met voorbeelden. Het is fijn dat ze niet enkel iconische voorbeelden benoemt, maar ook hele normale en behapbare voorbeelden van weerbaarheid.
In het derde deel focust Sunita Sah zich op het inzetten van de weerbaarheid, op welk moment wel en of niet, hoe ontwikkel je deze 'kracht'. Zeker de manieren waarop Sunita Sah je aanmoedigt om je weerbaarheid te trainen, te voelen en in te zetten, vond ik erg inspirerend en leerzaam en dat heeft me goede handvatten gegeven voor mijn eigen leven.
De waarde van weerbaarheid is een inspirerend, leerzaam en erg mooi boek. Het boek is een fijne combinatie van wetenschappelijk onderzoek, persoonlijke verhalen en handvatten. Ze weet je echt te inspireren waarom het ontwikkelen van weerbaarheid bijdraagt aan je positieve groei. Aan de hand van de vijf fases van weerbaarheid leer jij je ware ja en ware nee kennen én hoe je deze op de juiste wijze en momenten kan inzetten.
Organisatiepsycholoog dr. Sunita Sah legt je uit hoe je de kracht van het 'nee' zeggen kan ontdekken en benutten. Hoe vaak heb je niet willen protesteren, je mening willen geven, iets willen afwijzen, maar in plaats daarvan heb je je aangepast en gezwegen? Hoe komt het dat de druk om te conformeren zo sterk is? Aan de hand van verschillende onderzoeken en inspirerende voorbeelden laat dr. Sunita Sah je zien hoe weerbaarheid een positieve kracht kan zijn voor persoonlijke verandering en groei. Weerbaarheid kent vijf fases, wanneer je deze verkent samen met de praktische tools die dit boek biedt leer je je eigen waarden en overtuigingen kennen. Met dit boek leer je hoe je kan opstaan wanneer het er echt toe doet.
Mijn ervaring:
Wat een enorm leerzaam, inspirerend en mooi boek. Sunita Sah heeft een toegankelijke, redelijk vlotte en fijne schrijfstijl. Daarbij weet ze de wetenschappelijke onderzoeken die aan bod komen op heldere, toegankelijke en makkelijke wijze te verwoorden en weet ze dit mooi te combineren met inspirerende voorbeelden en haar eigen persoonlijke verhaal. Daarbij biedt ze ook nog verschillende handvatten hoe je je eigen weerbaarheid kan verhogen.
Het boek is opgedeeld in drie delen: Een ware ja, Een ware nee en Wordt een morele dissident. Waarbij tot slot nog een heldere conclusie volgt, waarin ze de besproken kennis van de drie delen helder en beknopt nog eens samenvat.
In het eerste deel, doet Sunita Sah onderzoek naar het kennen van een ware ja, waarom we voorgeprogrammeerd zijn om te volgen, hoe je kan losbreken van de beïnvloeding en het terugpakken van je eigen macht. Wat ik in dit deel het meest inspirerend vond, was het inzicht waarom we zo gemakkelijk volgen en niet stilstaan bij wat je daadwerkelijk wil en voelt. Wat je eigen overtuiging is. Ook het inzicht dat alle mensen met dit gevoel worstelen, laat zien dat weerbaarheid tonen nog niet zo gemakkelijk is.
In het tweede deel gaat Sunita Sah verder in op het verzetten en het ontdekken van je ware nee. Weerbaarheid kent vijf fases: hoe doorloop je ze en hoe herken je ze. Hierbij wist Sunita Sah het verhaal goed te ondersteunen met voorbeelden. Het is fijn dat ze niet enkel iconische voorbeelden benoemt, maar ook hele normale en behapbare voorbeelden van weerbaarheid.
In het derde deel focust Sunita Sah zich op het inzetten van de weerbaarheid, op welk moment wel en of niet, hoe ontwikkel je deze 'kracht'. Zeker de manieren waarop Sunita Sah je aanmoedigt om je weerbaarheid te trainen, te voelen en in te zetten, vond ik erg inspirerend en leerzaam en dat heeft me goede handvatten gegeven voor mijn eigen leven.
De waarde van weerbaarheid is een inspirerend, leerzaam en erg mooi boek. Het boek is een fijne combinatie van wetenschappelijk onderzoek, persoonlijke verhalen en handvatten. Ze weet je echt te inspireren waarom het ontwikkelen van weerbaarheid bijdraagt aan je positieve groei. Aan de hand van de vijf fases van weerbaarheid leer jij je ware ja en ware nee kennen én hoe je deze op de juiste wijze en momenten kan inzetten.
April 22, 2025
I found Defy both empowering and deeply insightful. Sunita Sah tackles a deceptively simple question—why is it so hard to stand up to authority, even when we know something’s wrong? Her answer is equal parts behavioural science, and real-world storytelling. I saw myself in many of the scenarios she described: those moments where you want to say something, push back, or walk away—but end up staying quiet.
Sah analyses everything from corporate corruption and medical consent to everyday pressures in the workplace and personal life. What I appreciated most was her reframing of defiance—not as troublemaking, but as a necessary and positive force. Her “five stages of defiance” offer practical ways to recognise pressure and respond in line with your values.
This book made me reflect on how much I’ve complied without realising it. If you've ever second-guessed your gut feeling (and want to start trusting it more), this book might help with the journey.
Sah analyses everything from corporate corruption and medical consent to everyday pressures in the workplace and personal life. What I appreciated most was her reframing of defiance—not as troublemaking, but as a necessary and positive force. Her “five stages of defiance” offer practical ways to recognise pressure and respond in line with your values.
This book made me reflect on how much I’ve complied without realising it. If you've ever second-guessed your gut feeling (and want to start trusting it more), this book might help with the journey.
June 24, 2025
This book is so real and the topics are so relevant and relatable that it made me reflect on times in my life I wish I had defied. I think a lot of us comply more than we realize. I can name thousands of examples from my life where I’ve seen someone screwed up, wished that someone would have done something about it… now I’m realizing I can be that person. Defiance is not a huge action the majority of the time…. It’s a collection of small things that can lead to deeper impacts. This is powerful. The individual can make a huge impact and this is proven time and time again in this book.
I really like the defiance compass asking that reminds us to ask ourselves these questions when we are faced with something we aren’t sure about:
It goes in a cycle…
Who am I?
What type of situation is this?
What does a person like we do in a situation like this?
This adds a buffer, a minute to think or a while depending on the situation.
I feel as I’ve gotten older and more confident I allow less, I still have work to do in order to defy in my daily life.
Society isn’t fair the police aren’t always right the justice system is not just…
I love how the author says she still struggle with feeling comfortable with outward defiance.
I really like the defiance compass asking that reminds us to ask ourselves these questions when we are faced with something we aren’t sure about:
It goes in a cycle…
Who am I?
What type of situation is this?
What does a person like we do in a situation like this?
This adds a buffer, a minute to think or a while depending on the situation.
I feel as I’ve gotten older and more confident I allow less, I still have work to do in order to defy in my daily life.
Society isn’t fair the police aren’t always right the justice system is not just…
I love how the author says she still struggle with feeling comfortable with outward defiance.
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
March 10, 2025
This was a completely life changing book for me. I have stepped up multiple times at work since reading this and already feel like a freer person, more in touch with my values. I love the guiding question in the book “what does a person like me do in a situation like this?” Because it kind of breaks you out of your compliance shell. It was helpful to learn about the term “insinuation anxiety” because I feel it a lot and reading more about it is helping me work through it. With all that’s going on in the world right now, I would call this the Must Read Book of the Year.
March 10, 2025
Enjoyed this book, especially the examples used. It really makes you think about how often we do this…how often we go along with others or decide not to speak out when we should.
April 26, 2025
Audiobook read by author. Inspiring for the current times.
October 15, 2025
Oh, this is a must read for everyone. I took quite a few notes while reading this. I have some tools for being able to recognize my True Yes and my True No. In my lifetime I have said yes when I wished I’d had the ability to say no. At the same time, I’ve allowed myself to “go along” when I wished I’d had the courage to say no. This book gives me the tools to do both those and identify when it’s appropriate for me.
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