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The Sparrow Conundrum
Winner in the Humor and Satire category of Big Al's Books and Pals Readers' Choice Awards 2012.
Winner of the Humor category in the 2011 Forward National Literature Awards.
Chris Machin isn’t his name, not to the bottom feeders in Aberdeen squabbling over North Sea oil and gas contracts. He has a code name – Sparrow – and when his garden explodes, he takes flight, plunging the power struggle into hilarious chaos and violence.
A sociopathic cop and a shady ex-girlfriend aren’t much help. The cop thinks that arresting suspects (innocent and guilty) must always involve violence and the ex turns out to be deeply involved in the events which are making Sparrow’s life so complicated.
The bodies pile up—some whole, some in fragments—and two wrestlers join the fray. A road trip seems just the solution, but then so do Inverness, a fishing trawler and a Russian factory ship as the players face … The Sparrow Conundrum.
Winner of the Humor category in the 2011 Forward National Literature Awards.
Chris Machin isn’t his name, not to the bottom feeders in Aberdeen squabbling over North Sea oil and gas contracts. He has a code name – Sparrow – and when his garden explodes, he takes flight, plunging the power struggle into hilarious chaos and violence.
A sociopathic cop and a shady ex-girlfriend aren’t much help. The cop thinks that arresting suspects (innocent and guilty) must always involve violence and the ex turns out to be deeply involved in the events which are making Sparrow’s life so complicated.
The bodies pile up—some whole, some in fragments—and two wrestlers join the fray. A road trip seems just the solution, but then so do Inverness, a fishing trawler and a Russian factory ship as the players face … The Sparrow Conundrum.
239 pages, Kindle Edition
First published March 1, 2011
3 people are currently reading
39 people want to read
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Displaying 1 - 13 of 13 reviews
January 16, 2019
Opening this crime spoof at the first page, I had no real idea what to expect. Having read several of Bill Kirton's witty, inventive blog posts, however, I had an idea that I'd enjoy it, and I was happy to be proved right. This is a gripping and frequently hilarious read, which switches effortlessly between multiple points of view and is told in crisp, intelligent writing. Writing comedy is hard – for some of us it's impossible – so I always admire writers who can make me laugh, and Bill Kirton is one of them. The Sparrow Conundrum is also a daring book, in some ways – Kirton defies the received wisdom put forward in a hundred creative writing courses, for example, by opening the book with an incident involving two characters who don't play any further part in the action. And you know what? It works.
The story follows a hapless French teacher, Christopher Machin, who finds to his astonishment that he's managed to become entangled in the criminal underworld and industrial espionage surrounding the Aberdeen oil industry. When you're as timid, mild-mannered and basically ineffectual as Machin, this is a terrifying prospect – as he finds one day when his garden is blown up in a failed assassination attempt.
Soon Machin finds himself being caught in the crossfire between two rival criminal gangs, one of them called "the Cage", whose agents are named after birds. "Eagle" – naturally – is in charge, giving orders to his underlings "Hawk" and "Kestrel", who in turn pass instructions on to their own minions. Machin, appropriately, is named "Sparrow", and belongs somewhere at the bottom of the pecking order. The Cage may be a ruthless criminal organisation, but it's actually much like any bureaucratic organisation in many ways. It employs its own, often incomprehensible, jargon. Its employees engage in rivalry, all chasing after the top spot, which means that the man who actually occupies the boss's chair has to be continually alert. Long periods of inactivity contrast with short bursts of frenetic action. The occupants of this singular world add their own, particular colour to the story. The boss, Eagle, has a passion for country music and sexual submission (which has hilarious consequences when he falls for one of my favourite characters, Bad Boy Jackson, a wrestler with a passion for knitting). Another character has an elbow fetish.
These vivid, larger-than-life characters would, in the hands of a less skilled writer, have the potential to become nothing but overblown stereotypes, but Kirton also manages to invest them with a winning humanity and vulnerability, while never letting up on the humour. Machin is a sympathetic character, of course, an everyman figure whose confusion and disbelief mirror what most of us would feel if we found ourselves being caught up in such alarming events. But even Eagle, for example, can on occasion be an almost appealing character, as here, when he's yearning for Bad Boy Jackson:
At last, frustration and weariness had driven him in his longing to adopt the archetypal pose of unrequited lovers, poised on the edge of the abyss of night, staring Juliet-like into the velvet of infinity, and whispering the gentle sounds of his lover's name into the soft darkness.
"Bad Boy, Bad Boy, where the fuck are you, Bad Boy?" he sighed.
I love that passage: the beauty of the language in the first paragraph, the universality of the experience it represents, and the brilliantly bathetic second paragraph.
Add to this colourful cast of characters a psychopathic policeman, Lodgedale, and a ruthless but oddly charming ex-girlfriend, Tessa, and you've got a vivid company who all but jump off the page, as does the story. I truly found it difficult to put this fast-paced and funny novel down. What sets it apart from other funny and fast-paced novels, perhaps, is the quality of the writing. Kirton tells his story in economic prose that is also perfectly, effortlessly right.
The story follows a hapless French teacher, Christopher Machin, who finds to his astonishment that he's managed to become entangled in the criminal underworld and industrial espionage surrounding the Aberdeen oil industry. When you're as timid, mild-mannered and basically ineffectual as Machin, this is a terrifying prospect – as he finds one day when his garden is blown up in a failed assassination attempt.
Soon Machin finds himself being caught in the crossfire between two rival criminal gangs, one of them called "the Cage", whose agents are named after birds. "Eagle" – naturally – is in charge, giving orders to his underlings "Hawk" and "Kestrel", who in turn pass instructions on to their own minions. Machin, appropriately, is named "Sparrow", and belongs somewhere at the bottom of the pecking order. The Cage may be a ruthless criminal organisation, but it's actually much like any bureaucratic organisation in many ways. It employs its own, often incomprehensible, jargon. Its employees engage in rivalry, all chasing after the top spot, which means that the man who actually occupies the boss's chair has to be continually alert. Long periods of inactivity contrast with short bursts of frenetic action. The occupants of this singular world add their own, particular colour to the story. The boss, Eagle, has a passion for country music and sexual submission (which has hilarious consequences when he falls for one of my favourite characters, Bad Boy Jackson, a wrestler with a passion for knitting). Another character has an elbow fetish.
These vivid, larger-than-life characters would, in the hands of a less skilled writer, have the potential to become nothing but overblown stereotypes, but Kirton also manages to invest them with a winning humanity and vulnerability, while never letting up on the humour. Machin is a sympathetic character, of course, an everyman figure whose confusion and disbelief mirror what most of us would feel if we found ourselves being caught up in such alarming events. But even Eagle, for example, can on occasion be an almost appealing character, as here, when he's yearning for Bad Boy Jackson:
At last, frustration and weariness had driven him in his longing to adopt the archetypal pose of unrequited lovers, poised on the edge of the abyss of night, staring Juliet-like into the velvet of infinity, and whispering the gentle sounds of his lover's name into the soft darkness.
"Bad Boy, Bad Boy, where the fuck are you, Bad Boy?" he sighed.
I love that passage: the beauty of the language in the first paragraph, the universality of the experience it represents, and the brilliantly bathetic second paragraph.
Add to this colourful cast of characters a psychopathic policeman, Lodgedale, and a ruthless but oddly charming ex-girlfriend, Tessa, and you've got a vivid company who all but jump off the page, as does the story. I truly found it difficult to put this fast-paced and funny novel down. What sets it apart from other funny and fast-paced novels, perhaps, is the quality of the writing. Kirton tells his story in economic prose that is also perfectly, effortlessly right.
November 11, 2019
Squawk!
Well, I can tell you that this Kirton fellow has ruffled quite a few feathers among the criminal fraternity here in Aberdeen. I wonder who gave him all the gen on our operations. Which wee birdie spilled the seed? Which cowardly canary tweeted our secrets? Never mind, we’ll find out soon enough, when feathers really will fly. But in the meantime Kirton has squawked everything out in this blasted book. And he’s made us look completely incompetent into the bargain. Mind you, the book is very funny. Even though it’s all true, I couldn’t help myself laughing. In fact, I cawed louder than a corbie from the first paragraph of the Prologue onward. Anyway, I’ll need to shoot the craw now. Thanks to Kirton, we’re having to change all our ornithological codes.
Well, I can tell you that this Kirton fellow has ruffled quite a few feathers among the criminal fraternity here in Aberdeen. I wonder who gave him all the gen on our operations. Which wee birdie spilled the seed? Which cowardly canary tweeted our secrets? Never mind, we’ll find out soon enough, when feathers really will fly. But in the meantime Kirton has squawked everything out in this blasted book. And he’s made us look completely incompetent into the bargain. Mind you, the book is very funny. Even though it’s all true, I couldn’t help myself laughing. In fact, I cawed louder than a corbie from the first paragraph of the Prologue onward. Anyway, I’ll need to shoot the craw now. Thanks to Kirton, we’re having to change all our ornithological codes.
May 17, 2011
Full disclosure: the author of The Sparrow Conundrum, Bill Kirton, is an esteemed Booksquawk contributor. He provided me with a free ebook copy for this review.
In his youth, Chris Machin rather accidently got involved with the mob. Astonished to find himself entangled with a woman way out of his league, he blindly obeyed her every wish and soon found himself muling drugs for the Bellazzo brothers. Now Machin’s garden has exploded and the hapless school teacher is paying for his past indiscretions—and the currency is loyalty to the Bellazzo’s main competition: The Cage.
A criminal organization with its fingers in the oil business, The Cage is run like any other company, with incomprehensible layers of bureaucratic nonsense and only a few cognizant employees doing any actual work. Due to the inherent secrecy involved, everyone in The Cage has an avian code-name. Eagle, a displaced Texan with a “hands-off management” style, is in charge…sort of. His two second-in-commands, Hawk and Kestrel, spend most of their time vying for Eagle’s favor—even if it means they must accommodate his unsavory proclivities.
Machin is the Sparrow of the title, and his role in the story is similar to that of a leaf carried along in a trickle of water that becomes a fast-flowing stream that branches into a raging river. In the course of trying to figure out who blew up his garden, Machin is confronted by a psychopathic detective, runs into his shady ex-girlfriend and her pro-wrestler goons and is unknowingly targeted by his own mailman. All the while, except for the ridiculous things that keep happening to him, he’s unaware of the machinations of those struggling for power within The Cage.
The writing is crisp and clever, and author Bill Kirton flawlessly handles multiple perspectives. We bounce, sometimes rapidly, from viewpoint to viewpoint like an intense game of ping pong; but we are never in doubt as to whose (sometimes disturbing, but often amusing) thoughts we’re privy to.
Kirton has a gift for characterization, although I must say the people that run around in this book have such exaggerated personalities they are arguably more caricature than character. And run around they do, like headless chickens (avian pun intended), with desperate, narcissistic urgency, their personal needs and desires at the forefront of the decisions they make. This makes for a rollicking ride, as mishaps and mayhem pile up as thick as the bodies.
The Sparrow Conundrum is a very smart, very funny read.
[Review originally posted to Booksquawk]
In his youth, Chris Machin rather accidently got involved with the mob. Astonished to find himself entangled with a woman way out of his league, he blindly obeyed her every wish and soon found himself muling drugs for the Bellazzo brothers. Now Machin’s garden has exploded and the hapless school teacher is paying for his past indiscretions—and the currency is loyalty to the Bellazzo’s main competition: The Cage.
A criminal organization with its fingers in the oil business, The Cage is run like any other company, with incomprehensible layers of bureaucratic nonsense and only a few cognizant employees doing any actual work. Due to the inherent secrecy involved, everyone in The Cage has an avian code-name. Eagle, a displaced Texan with a “hands-off management” style, is in charge…sort of. His two second-in-commands, Hawk and Kestrel, spend most of their time vying for Eagle’s favor—even if it means they must accommodate his unsavory proclivities.
Machin is the Sparrow of the title, and his role in the story is similar to that of a leaf carried along in a trickle of water that becomes a fast-flowing stream that branches into a raging river. In the course of trying to figure out who blew up his garden, Machin is confronted by a psychopathic detective, runs into his shady ex-girlfriend and her pro-wrestler goons and is unknowingly targeted by his own mailman. All the while, except for the ridiculous things that keep happening to him, he’s unaware of the machinations of those struggling for power within The Cage.
The writing is crisp and clever, and author Bill Kirton flawlessly handles multiple perspectives. We bounce, sometimes rapidly, from viewpoint to viewpoint like an intense game of ping pong; but we are never in doubt as to whose (sometimes disturbing, but often amusing) thoughts we’re privy to.
Kirton has a gift for characterization, although I must say the people that run around in this book have such exaggerated personalities they are arguably more caricature than character. And run around they do, like headless chickens (avian pun intended), with desperate, narcissistic urgency, their personal needs and desires at the forefront of the decisions they make. This makes for a rollicking ride, as mishaps and mayhem pile up as thick as the bodies.
The Sparrow Conundrum is a very smart, very funny read.
[Review originally posted to Booksquawk]
September 15, 2011
Bill Kirton's The Sparrow Conundrum is a truly entertaining read.
In the underworld surrounding the Aberdeen oil business there is a bunch of thugs who like to have an elaborate code name system based on birds. The Cage is run by the Eagle, and the ranks descend in various stages of fearsomeness through Kestrel and Hawk onwards, until we come face to face with... Sparrow.
Chris Machin is really way out of his league when he is scooped into the world of criminals who like finger-busting and quick knee movements into the groin of an opponent. All he wants is to have a quiet life teaching, but as luck would have it, he's caught between the Cage and the Bellazzo Boys. Or the Third Way.
Or Inspector Lodgedale, for that matter. This singularly homicidal police officer brings restless energy into the cast and plot of this book, which are well nigh overflowing with it already. We follow Sparrow's hapless drifting from one criminal event to another via pro wrestling and occasional moments of peace at the Cage.
What makes this fast and furious crime story different is the quality of writing. Bill Kirton delivers such eloquent and flowing prose that I found myself frequently reading passages again, since the sentences fall tingling onto the reader's mind. He is also the master of the understatement, as well as the unexpected. His effortless delivery of the nitty-gritty of the oil business is another source of wonder to me. In some books the frame of reference is created with clarity and ease, and this is one of them.
If you do it the way I did, you'll be reading this book fast at first, to see what can possibly happen next, but then you'll slow down to savour the depth of the story. And the plot will have you riveted and entertained all the way to the ingenious end.
The only negative side is, this is not a book you can read in bed in the night unless you're single. I was unable to keep myself from bursting out laughing so many times while reading this that I was a source of irritation.
Highly recommended to friends of crime with a sense of humour and a taste for the unexpected.
In the underworld surrounding the Aberdeen oil business there is a bunch of thugs who like to have an elaborate code name system based on birds. The Cage is run by the Eagle, and the ranks descend in various stages of fearsomeness through Kestrel and Hawk onwards, until we come face to face with... Sparrow.
Chris Machin is really way out of his league when he is scooped into the world of criminals who like finger-busting and quick knee movements into the groin of an opponent. All he wants is to have a quiet life teaching, but as luck would have it, he's caught between the Cage and the Bellazzo Boys. Or the Third Way.
Or Inspector Lodgedale, for that matter. This singularly homicidal police officer brings restless energy into the cast and plot of this book, which are well nigh overflowing with it already. We follow Sparrow's hapless drifting from one criminal event to another via pro wrestling and occasional moments of peace at the Cage.
What makes this fast and furious crime story different is the quality of writing. Bill Kirton delivers such eloquent and flowing prose that I found myself frequently reading passages again, since the sentences fall tingling onto the reader's mind. He is also the master of the understatement, as well as the unexpected. His effortless delivery of the nitty-gritty of the oil business is another source of wonder to me. In some books the frame of reference is created with clarity and ease, and this is one of them.
If you do it the way I did, you'll be reading this book fast at first, to see what can possibly happen next, but then you'll slow down to savour the depth of the story. And the plot will have you riveted and entertained all the way to the ingenious end.
The only negative side is, this is not a book you can read in bed in the night unless you're single. I was unable to keep myself from bursting out laughing so many times while reading this that I was a source of irritation.
Highly recommended to friends of crime with a sense of humour and a taste for the unexpected.
June 4, 2011
I started reading this book expecting it to be one of Bill Kirton's excellent dark crime books and after a brief period of confusion, which wasn't surprising, considering this is a spoof crime novel, I started chuckling and then laughing. I think I became as manic as the book. It is a story full of surprises, twists and turns. The characters are enjoyably over the top, from the weak-kneed Machin to the psychotic police inspector who is constantly trying to rearrange evidence to increase his arrest and conviction figures, and who has it in for Machin. Mysterious figures come and go and get up to all kinds of shenanigans. I particularly liked Mary, with her/his moustache and large frame, who kept popping up at regular intervals. I won't say anymore about the characters or plot because I don't want to spoil it for new readers. But be assured if you start reading this you will be entertained from beginning to end.
May 9, 2011
The Sparrow Conundrum is one of those rare spoofs that made me laugh out loud. Bill Kirton does a slick job in painting a skewed picture of the mob racket—think Reservoir Dogs, only better.
From the poor teacher with the moniker of “Sparrow” to the bumbling hitman, to the out-of-place Texan as a figurehead of an Aberdeen, Scotland-based crime “family,” The Sparrow Conundrum is a wonderfully tongue-in-cheek peek inside the flighty workings of criminal “masterminds”
Mr. Kirton paints a wonderfully rich picture, develops deep characters (some of which are delightfully cringe-worthy), and is a fantastically written farce that will entertain and keep you laughing until the very end.
I suggest you pick up a copy. The smile on your face and constant chortling makes this a must-have for your collection.
From the poor teacher with the moniker of “Sparrow” to the bumbling hitman, to the out-of-place Texan as a figurehead of an Aberdeen, Scotland-based crime “family,” The Sparrow Conundrum is a wonderfully tongue-in-cheek peek inside the flighty workings of criminal “masterminds”
Mr. Kirton paints a wonderfully rich picture, develops deep characters (some of which are delightfully cringe-worthy), and is a fantastically written farce that will entertain and keep you laughing until the very end.
I suggest you pick up a copy. The smile on your face and constant chortling makes this a must-have for your collection.
December 17, 2011
This novel represents everything I love about British humor.
It is over-the-top Benny-Hill-meets-James-Bond type humor, and I'm never sure which is being lampooned.
It's the kind of novel that makes publisher's editors scratch their heads and say (in all likelihood), "Oh, I'd love to buy this, but what will my bosses think?" Bookstores would have to build a shelf for one book. Better yet, put it on an end cap near the front door.
It is over-the-top Benny-Hill-meets-James-Bond type humor, and I'm never sure which is being lampooned.
It's the kind of novel that makes publisher's editors scratch their heads and say (in all likelihood), "Oh, I'd love to buy this, but what will my bosses think?" Bookstores would have to build a shelf for one book. Better yet, put it on an end cap near the front door.
October 1, 2011
Excellent story displaying the author's offbeat sense of humor and wry perception of the human condition. Expect to alternately laugh like crazy and shake your head in amazement.
October 1, 2011
Terrific book - a wry and amusing portrait of the human condition.
November 30, 2017
Totally unbelievable characters. Had to force myself to continue reading.
Totally unbelievable characters and situations . Had to force myself to continue reading. Finally gave up about three quarters of the way through.
Totally unbelievable characters and situations . Had to force myself to continue reading. Finally gave up about three quarters of the way through.
April 10, 2012
I saw this described as a “crime spoof,” which is a perfect description. It is full of humor, often dry and subtle, as the stereotype of English humor would indicate. I learned the names of obscure (to me) birds and fish, which are used as codenames amongst the criminals; thankfully, my Kindle dictionary knew them all. Many of the criminals, especially the protagonist Chris Machin, are likeable and sympathetic (with the exception of those crimes they’re supposed to be committing). In contrast, the police are anything but, not to mention much better at crime than the criminals.
Beyond the story, I enjoyed the way Kirton strings words together. For example, I love this line, for how it twists the cliché into something clever, rather than overused:
“Hawk would undoubtedly have been more suspicious, but he was desperate for a gift horse and its mouth was invisible at the other end of a telephone line.”
Kirton won the 2011 Forward National Literature Award in the humor category for this book, and the reason is apparent.
**Originally written for "Books and Pals" book blog. May have received a free review copy. **
Beyond the story, I enjoyed the way Kirton strings words together. For example, I love this line, for how it twists the cliché into something clever, rather than overused:
“Hawk would undoubtedly have been more suspicious, but he was desperate for a gift horse and its mouth was invisible at the other end of a telephone line.”
Kirton won the 2011 Forward National Literature Award in the humor category for this book, and the reason is apparent.
**Originally written for "Books and Pals" book blog. May have received a free review copy. **
August 7, 2025
Awesome Indies Book Awards is pleased to include THE SPARROW CONUNDRUM by BILL KIRTON in the library of Awesome Indies'
Badge of Approval
recipients at http://j.mp/AwesIndBk022
November 18, 2021
This was an odd duck of a book but good to listen to while I worked. I think it would have been easier to understand if I had read the synopsis first.
Displaying 1 - 13 of 13 reviews