The Solution To Social Anxiety: Break Free From The Shyness That Holds You Back

by Aziz Gazipura

Discover How To Overcome Social Anxiety And Shyness Are you held back by shyness?  Do many things seem out of reach due to social anxiety? Many people have settled into thinking this is just how life is... "This is just the way I am." However, nothing could be further from the truth. In this inspiring, breakthrough book, Dr. Aziz guides you along the path out of social anxiety and into greater confidence in yourself. You will discover what is keeping you stuck in shyness and learn exactly what to do in order to break free.After suffering from social anxiety himself for many years, Dr. Aziz became determined to find a way to social freedom. His deep understanding if what creates the social fears, shyness, and limitations, displays just how much he gets what it feels like to be shy.The first part of this book focuses on understanding the problem. You will discover exactly why you feel social anxiety in a variety of situations. This section teaches you about the deep underlying beliefs that lead to your fears, and you will learn the single belief that is beneath all shyness.In this section you will also understand why you have that continual fear of, "what will they think of me?" that can be so limiting in social anxiety. you will also learn about your inner critic, which is actually a much bigger drain on your confidence than any situation or person outside of yourself.The second portion of this book focuses entirely on the solution to social anxiety. Dr. Aziz starts by describing social confidence as the way out. Social confidence includes a feeling of relaxed freedom around others to be yourself without the self-criticism and judgment that are so common in shyness.You then go on to discover the 3 major steps of breaking free from shyness and social anxiety. These Step 1 - Know Who You Are In order to overcome social anxiety and feel confident and to relate to others with comfort and ease, you must know who you are. This includes owning your preferences, speaking your mind, and letting go of the need to please everyone else at the expense of yourself.  Step 2 - Accept Yourself. All of Yourself. Most of the pain and suffering from shyness and social anxiety is not due to the rejection we receive from others. It's the rejection we receive from ourselves on a daily basis. You will discover how to turn your inner critic into an ally so you can feel more peace and joy in all of your interactions. Step 3 - Take Bold Action No matter how much we change our thinking and accept ourselves, nothing significant changes in our lives unless we take action. In order to truly liberate yourself and break free from shyness, social anxiety, and self-doubt, you must consistently move towards what scares you. In this section you will design your own customized action plan for creating social confidence and success.This book is by no means academic or aloof. It is full of practical tools and techniques that you can start using today to improve your confidence and free yourself of social anxiety and social discomfort. In addition, Dr. Aziz provides numerous engaging stories from the work he has done with clients, and from his own life, to illustrate how to use the techniques to forge a path to freedom. He is refreshingly authentic and honest about what it feels like to be shy, which can provide you with a great sense of relief in itself.Using the tools, insights, and clinically proven techniques in this book, you will learn how

Genres: Self Help, Psychology, Nonfiction, Audiobook, Personal Development, Mental Health, Social

232 pages, Kindle Edition

First published July 8, 2013

About the author

Dr. Aziz is a clinical psychologist and one of the world's leading experts on social confidence. After being stuck in shyness and social anxiety himself for almost 10 years, he became determined to find a way to social freedom. Through thousands of hours of his own training, counseling, reading, group work, and coaching, he has truly mastered what it takes to break free from shyness and social anxiety into a life of confidence.
In 2011, Dr. Aziz started The Center For Social Confidence, which is dedicated to helping everyone break through their shyness and social anxiety. Through his unique blend of compassion, humor, and personal courage, Dr. Aziz has helped thousands of people all over the world increase their confidence. Through confidence coaching, audio and video programs, podcasts, a detailed blog, and intensive weekend workshops, Dr. Aziz lives out his mission: To help every person who is stuck in shyness liberate themselves to pursue the relationship, career, and life they have always dreamed of.

He lives in Portland, Oregon with his wife Candace and son Zaim (who he claims is the "most socially confident badass kid in the world.")

Reviews

[Eva · Rating 1 out of 5]

This book has some good advice and could be helpful. However, from the first page it's clear it's written for men (in fact, straight men) - most of the examples of social interactions examine the difficulties of a man approaching a woman. As a woman reading the book, it's unclear why it had to be written from this particular perspective - 'imagine you're at a bar with a friend and you see an attractive woman sitting at a nearby table with a friend' - couldn't this jus be 'an attractive person'? That way the book would be accessible to everyone.

Furthermore, the book promotes some pretty base stereotypes - 'Now you are in the friend zone, going shopping with her while she vents about the guy she is dating' - one feels the author has watched too many romcoms.

The major problem with this product however is the fact that it's is not clear until you've bought it that it's written for heterosexual men. The Amazon page says nothing about this. If this had been clear I would have gone for one of the many other great books on this subject that are genuinely written for everyone.

[Ines · Rating 5 out of 5]

Oh my God! what a read!!

So this book is written by a psychologist who had / has social anxiety who tries with so much gentleness to get the reader out of the prison he had built around himself.

This book is for anyone whose shyness is holding him back from living the life that anyone deserves.
It's for anyone who feel not good enough, not intelligent enough, boring, uninteresting ... who puts too much importance of what people may or may not think of him. I know because I am that person and this book helped and is helping me a lot.

What I appreciated the most is that I felt finally understood, and not alone. It was like the writer knew exactely what I felt in a given situation. I also loved that he didn't push. Most people always tell me "Just don't pay attention to what people think" or "You don't have friends, you should go to parties and meet new people" like it's the easiest thing to do in the world. and I always want to scream : But you don't understand! you don't get it. But Dr Aziz gets it. and he takes you slowly but surely through a journey of knowing yourself, facing your fears and understanding them.

And if you don't have social anxiety but you know people who do, it could be a way to know their deepest fears and thoughts, how they feel about their surroundings, what make them close off, and then you can help them see their true potential.

[Jennifer · Rating 5 out of 5]

I vividly recall the very first time I feared rejection. I was 12 years, and beginning Grade 7 at what I had been told was an "exclusive" (read - ridiculously expensive) private girls' school. I walked into a new school, entered a new classroom, and FROZE. I had never had trouble making friends before, but here were all these girls, clustered in groups, excitedly sharing the details of their summers. It turned out that the school had an elementary wing, and most girls had known each other since kindergarten.

Help!!! How am I ever going to fit in??? What can I do to get noticed without appearing pushy and obnoxious?

So I DIDN'T fit in. I made no effort to connect, and neither did they. And I went on to spend three miserable years hating everything and everybody, until some kind soul at an organization of which I was a member reported to my parents that I was crashing and burning. At my new school, I immediately thrived, and lack of confidence was never again an issue.

Except...I was lying to myself. I have feared rejection ever since, and constantly avoided social situations to shelter myself from discomfort and disapproval. It took this book to make me realize I was doing it because I wasn't as comfortable in my own skin as I thought I was.

Dr. Gazipura, thank you for opening my eyes to how much more I can be and do if I face my fears and stride boldly into a brave new world. The small victories I have already celebrated since starting your book two short months ago were beyond my reach until I was ready to try for something better. As Nike's ubiquitous slogan points out, we can all improve our lives if we "just do it".

[Sudeshna Bora · Rating 3 out of 5]

The best part of this book is the writer and his insights. The book settles into a soothing calm pace which relaxes your mind and is overall a very enjoyable and eye opening read. The only constant problem I had with this book was his continuous example from the world of dating and relationship. It becomes very myopic at times and gets difficult to connect if you are from the opposite gender. It required a lot of patience for me to overcome this hurdle and learn to generalize it .
The reason I have given this book a 3 star is because of this obsession with one particular life scenario and also I have just finished reading it and would need sometime to realize if it has really impacted my life.

[Yasmin · Rating 3 out of 5]

Social anxiety is all rooted in a fear of not being _____ enough.
e.g. not being pretty/rich/skinny/cool enough.

Because we feel that there is something wrong with us, we develop a sense of shame. We believe that we are somehow inadequate and defective in some way. We develop rejection sensitivity which is the hallmark of social anxiety.

"I hope they do not have judgemental thoughts of me." This is the main concern of individuals with social anxiety. We believe rejection reinforces our inadequacy.


9 major components of social confidence - how proficient are you? 1-10
1) Assertiveness - ask for what you want and say what you do not want or aren't okay with
2) Self compassion - being kind to yourself, even when you fail
3) Resilience - can handle whatever life throws at you
4) Inherent worth - you know that you are worthy just the way you are
5) Self efficacy - you trust in your ability to do what needs to be done
6) Bold action - your willingness to do what scares you
7) Social comfort - feeling comfortable in your own skin when around others
8) Conversation skills - your ability to communicate with others
9) Vulnerability - able to share what you truly think with others

3 Steps to social confidence
1) Know who you are
2) Accept yourself, all of yourself
3) Take bold action

How do we break free?

- Take less responsibility for the feelings of the people around you.
- Regularly remind yourself: I am not responsible for your feelings.
- Be clear on who you are, not who you think someone wants you to be in order to accept you.
- Being clear of your own thoughts, feelings and desires, allows you to differentiate from your partner.

Differentiation is: you can still care about someones feelings, you can even help them, comfort them and be there for them, but you realise on a deep level that you are not responsible for their feelings and you cannot control their feelings

A great practise for differentiation is to allow yourself to disagree with others - if they did not like the movie, its okay to say that you did. Always ask yourself - What am I thinking? What am I feeling right now? What do I want? One of the most important questions you should ask yourself. Make sure you share what you want with others.

Another major block to examining our strengths is claiming to be inferior to others.

Once you know your own strengths, you will be able to shift your self concept from negative to being more positive.

Benefits to knowing your strengths:
1) Stronger sense of self
2) Greater self acceptance
3) Fewer comparisons

Stronger sense of self: Knowing your strengths gives you a greater sense of pride and value. You matter. Your thoughts and feelings matter. A stronger sense of self enables you to interact with others in a less inhibited, less bashful way. If someone is rude to you or rejects you, you are able to take it in stride. You understand that not everyone is going to like you, and not everyone is going to see your strengths and thats okay because you know you have a lot to offer.

Greater self acceptance: A deep sense of relief and peace will begin to emerge. It allows you to accept your weaknesses. Allows you to accept set backs and mistakes. Keeps you balanced. Allows you to see you are a complete person.

Fewer comparisons: You can admire others without comparing them to yourself and using them to bring up your shortcomings

What are your strengths?
Think of someone you admire the most, what are their strengths?
We admire the people we resonate with most
Look at the strengths you've listed about them
These are either traits you have but are not acknowledging or traits you have not yet fully developed within yourself - you have that very same abilities lying dormant inside you

When you do something that aligns with your strengths proclaim it "I am ___ because ____."

Meaning and purpose.

When you talk to someone, what is your purpose? E.g. if your purpose is to pick his brain, your feelings and experience will be very different if you are talking to make him like you. Try to get yourself away from disempowering motives and more empowering motives.

Bad guiding questions shy people have whilst talking to someone:
"What will they think of me?"
"Is he going to reject me?"
"What if I forget what I'm supposed to say?"

These questions guide your focus on to what you do not want to occur, goals of gaining approval and avoiding judgement and criticism.

What questions might lead to more empowering purposes? What can you ask yourself instead when you are trying to talk to someone?
"How can I help this person feel at ease?"
"What do I like about this person?"
"How can I connect even more with this person?"
"What does this person really need right now?"
"How can I give and receive even more love right now?"

This can help you connect, meet someone's need or give and receive love.

The purpose of my life is to:
I am here to enjoy:
I am here to share:

Listen to your inner critic - what statements does it seem to always say?

Ways to practise self-compassion:
- Recognise when we are in a cycle of self criticism
- Stop what you're doing and breathe
- Acknowledge the emotions you are feeling
- Treat yourself with kindness, have conversations with your critic
- Be egotistical - build yourself up so much that you can't help but see your strengths

Take bold action

It is only through doing something new that things will change from how they are

Fear Hierarchy

1) Encourages you to "flood" yourself with the task - flood out that fear
OR
2) Gradual exposure

When you get to the higher actions - 7 and above

Vividly create the scene in your mind before doing it. Rehearse it before.

[Eva · Rating 1 out of 5]

This book is written for men and this isn't mentioned in all the places I've seen it being sold online.

It's shocking that even the blurb of the book is written in such a way as to suggest that it's for everyone, but once you open the book you're faced with constant references to the difficulties men face when approaching women. Not only that, but it contains some base stereotypes - one gem is 'now you are in the friend zone, going shopping with her while she vents about the guy she is dating'.

Why have I been tricked into buying this product? £10 on a book which treats anyone who isn't a heterosexual man as irrelevant - so irrelevant that you don't consider it necessary to warn us that this product is not for us, and reduce women to a pathetic stereotype.

[Amal Bedhyefi · Rating 4 out of 5]

Aziz's approach in understanding the root of social anxiety before going about trying to change it is what made me this book among my absolute favourites for it definitely made me re-evaluate a lot of things in my life.
Highly educational , helpful and insightful.
Read it guys.

[Kaitlin Hillerich · Rating 5 out of 5]

I wish I could give this 100 stars. If you have social anxiety you NEED this book. Life. Changing.

[✿ · Rating 3 out of 5]

3.5 ⭐

To be honest, I'm not a big fan of self-help or personal development books. Still I gave this book a chance because the topic really matters to me.
The book thoroughly treats the causes of social anxiety and gives some solutions to overcome this state. Social anxiety, on a nutshell, is the belief that there's something wrong with us, that we're not enough and that we are unworthy of attention and love. This creates a phobia of being judged or more importantly being rejected. The more we believe this, the more we get shy and anxious around people. So what creates this belief and how to overcome it? This book is here for that!
Anyone with social anxiety, pretty much like myself, really needs to read this book. You will find yourself in there and you will want to overcome this state more than ever.

[Lane · Rating 5 out of 5]

I truly enjoyed this read because the author goes under the surface as to how one may have developed social anxiety. Alongside this info the author gives clear ways on how to utilize certain exercises that can be practiced and applied to one’s own life. Then lots of word of encouragement and support to ice the cake. Highly recommend this to anyone who either has social anxiety or to someone who would like to understand others who struggle with social anxiety.

[Zu · Rating 1 out of 5]

͙͘͡★ 1.5

This might just be titled as “How to Approach Hot Women as a Socially Anxious Male” and it would still fit.

If you’re looking for a book that could help with your social anxiety (especially if you’re a guy), then this will be a good read. But I’ll have to warn you that the author literally doesn’t know any other examples aside from dating and romantic relationships. If that doesn’t bother you, well then… go ahead.

[Waris Ahmad Faizi · Rating 5 out of 5]

Terrific!!!
It is one of the most effective books in terms of social confidence and overcoming social anxiety.
Dr. Aziz Gazipura did really a great job. Anyone who read this book will feel himself being engaged with the contents of the book moment to moment.
I highly recommend this book to anyone who is suffering from social anxiety and shyness.

[Adeyosoye Adeyemi · Rating 5 out of 5]

helpful

[Michael · Rating 3 out of 5]

I guess it had some helpful information, although time will tell. Halfway through the book I tried to implement a few of the suggestions over the holiday. Afterwards I was overwhelm by self criticism (more than usual :) ). The next day I continued reading where the author warns against exactly what I experienced. :). Even though the author explains that 'she' can replace 'he' and sexual orientation could be homosexual vs heterosexual, I still found the book written from the standpoint of a heterosexual male disconcerting and unnecessary. I also think the author should have followed up with the case studies he presents with some results. In general, I found the book to be useful for the attitude and strategy suggestions.

[Mary Hibbard · Rating 4 out of 5]

I decided I'm going to start adding the non fiction books I read into Goodreads, mostly because I committed to reading 45 books this year, so I need them all in here! This book was useful, mostly written for men but applicable to all. My shyness issue isn't huge at all, but more because I've been chronically ill for years. Some useful tips. I liked how he says everyone gets the message "they won't like me", but people with social anxiety just buy into it more.

[Maevis · Rating 5 out of 5]

Hopeful

I have had social anxiety for the majority of my life and it has been horrible. I have read many books on the subject in hopes of changing my life with no success. I am now in therapy with a wonderful therapist and along with this book I finally have the hope that things will turn around for me and I will be able to connect with other people. I'm done with social anxiety keeping me in a closed box. I refuse for this to be my life any longer. Good luck to us all.

[Mary · Rating 3 out of 5]

(read this on Audible)// Actual rating= 3.5 stars
I really liked some of the messages that he talked about in the book and felt them resonate with me. Definitely gives me things to think about to better my life. The only reason this doesn’t get 4 stars from me is because a lot of the situations were more applicable for relationships/ dating, which isn’t really what I was looking for.

[Michal Golis · Rating 4 out of 5]

A wonderful book about a ubiquitous condition. The fact that I don't feel self-conscious writing these lines indicates I've already taken something out of it!
One star detracted for the word 'stud' being used in one negligible anecdote somewhere in the book...

[Kevin Macdonald · Rating 3 out of 5]

In The Solution to Social Anxiety, Aziz Gazipura, a clinical psychologist, explores social anxiety and offers advice and proven programs to help people overcome their debilitating fears of social rejection and insecurity.

Aziz does not shy away from stating that a lot of his advice focuses on helping men work through insecurities to improve their dating and romantic prospects. Learning to be vulnerable and embrace rejection are the two biggest barriers he helps men overcome, along with developing a clear, concrete identity where you are guided by values and core beliefs. However, this isn't where the book's strength lies.

While this is explicitly a self-help book, I found myself more drawn to Aziz's descriptions of social anxiety than in the methods to overcome it. Admittedly, my social anxiety is far milder than some of the portrayals in this book, but I found his framing of social anxiety as a problem of shame, where we view ourselves as fundamentally flawed and unworthy of connection, love, or satisfying friendships/relationships, to be an accurate and moving distillation of what can be a confusing and overwhelming emotion.

I guess I was hoping for a deeper summary of the research surrounding social anxiety, the biological and neural mechanisms involved, along with various scientifically proven methodology to alleviate or relieve anxiety, but this isn't that kind of book. I did enjoy it and I think people with social anxiety will get something beneficial from this, but if you're hoping to approach social anxiety intellectually and learn more about what it is, this won't be what you're looking for.

I'm still glad I read it! And even though I can feel my pride bristling as if to ward off the shame of needing advice/help when it comes to dating... Some of what he said DID have an impact on how I approached getting to know a girl I really like! And we'll be going out again soon. :) So that's nice!

[LEE Chiyun · Rating 5 out of 5]

I finally found out one of the most helpful book to get over Social Anxiety

To begin with, I am living in Korea, and born here. So my english sentence wouldn't be correct and clear anyway,
I have suffered from Social Anxiety and ADHD, have had panic attack (recently got down luckily) these disease depressed me out, I haven't handled my life, all of activitis (university, army, relationship so on) to me felt harder than others........
especally, This shit (S.A) made me frustrated. I have continued to avoid social situation that made me anxious and uncomfortable..... i was sick and tired of my behaviours
So I decided to find out solution to Social Anxiety on Youtube....
yeah as you know, I found the God of Social Anxiety...
that was Doctor Aziz... that's why I was able to start reading this book most of pages on this book inspired me and relieved my broken mind..... and learned how to face this fears and handle it

unfortunately, still I barely handle this shit.... try not to face fears and situation that I should go and want to go.... try to avoid obstacle which seemd hard for me

but you know what? Now I have hope, with this book and Dr Aziz, all of person with Social Anxiety... I can't give up for good
I want to say "Thanks a lot to Dr Aziz" and one more
Keep it up and have the courage to live with Social Anxiety and let's break through fucking Social Anxiety and shyness together

I will do my best

[Frank · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book is great! Great overview of what social anxiety is, what causes it, and how to solve it in incremental steps. A bit repetitive at times, reiterating the key points you need to know. But I loved that because by the end of the book I knew instinctively that social anxiety is caused by an old belief that you are not good enough in some way. Haha.

My only issue with the book, and the reason I gave it 4 stars instead of 5, is that this is clearly targeted at straight men who want to overcome their social anxiety with dating women. The author makes it clear this was his personal obstacle, so it oozes throughout the book with endless stories and examples of a man being too nervous to talk to a woman. Yet nowhere in the title or summary in the back does it indicate this. I feel like social anxiety can make it hard to date, obviously, but it also makes it hard to make friends, to ask for help finding an item at the store, to ask for accommodations at work, etc. The stories/examples in the book could have been much more varied and inclusive given that social anxiety can apply to literally any situation that involves social interactions, not just dating. However, the advice and skills can be applied to your own unique situation, so I can overlook this problem for the most part.

[Jay · Rating 5 out of 5]

Absolutely stellar from start to finish. This book bursts with empathy and clear action steps to make you a better person. I especially liked the ideas of (1) taking bold action in your life in order to change and (2) being willing to feel fear when you encounter different situations. Only by stepping into the fear can you get used to how it feels and ultimately even start to enjoy the situations where the fear happens.

I don't consider myself a "shy" person, as my job requires me to talk to random people all day long. But the tightness in my chest when I'm about to go to a party or cocktail hour where I may not know many people? I know that feeling very well. This book helped me understand there's nothing wrong with me and that, with practice and the right mindset, I can better enjoy my life and connect with others.

Audiobook fans: I think Gazipura could moonlight as a professional narrator. His calm voice made me feel like he truly cared about helping me. This was easily one of my favorite audiobooks I've ever read.

[Zaina. · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book has helped me so much. I recommend buying this book without a second thought. Dr Aziz has perfectly divided this book into two parts: the problem and the solution. Figuring out the root problem is an element most people dismiss as "unimportant", but in order to solution to an ailment, you have to understand the cause of its existence. Sure, genetics play a huge part, but social anxiety is mainly a sociological reaction to having suppressed pained feelings of unworthiness and a fear of rejection. That must be understood in order to start the process of fighting back the thoughts that persist in your mind and conclude your suppressed pain that lead to your anxiety. He also has summarized the solution into three essential steps, which was really helpful. He really improved my anxiety a lot and I feel much better than I did when I first got this book 7 months ago.

[Oscar Pettersson · Rating 5 out of 5]

I recognize that when I finish a book, it's often "great" or "fantastic" or some other superlative. Perhaps this makes my recommendations watered down. However...

Having read quite a number of books on improving social confidence and decreasing anxiety in various situations (most often dating and public speaking, or really, authentic expression), I believe this book has been the best I've read on the subject.

It addresses the underlying causes for social anxiety and other, more productive and rewarding ways of viewing fear. It speaks about mindset and practical tools to grow. However much you read about this, things won't change unless you actually put yourself out there. You can only read so much. At some point you have to occasionally live outside your comfort zone and recognize that it is, and is going to be, oookay.

Summary incoming.

[Vlas · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book is really good for people who have a problem with social anxiety. I found myself in a book and it helped solve my problem. The problem with this book is that sometimes can be repetitive. But one of the most positive things about this book is that you can come back to any part of the book and and again practice over your problem. Books encourages you to try new things so that you could let go of that old fear that kept you back. Overall, I recommend this book and I think that it is a good thing for people that are interested in psychology, the book have so many recommendations at the end so that you could continue your research.

[Rajiv · Rating 5 out of 5]

Dr.Aziz is a true expert on the subject of gaining confidence and overcoming social anxiety. The book is divided into two parts: Problem and solution. Each part is further divided into 4 chapters. The problem part does the work of digging deeper within us to identify and getting aware of core issues and why it's affecting us, then the solution is explained by different methods to achieve. The book has some simple and yet important exercises, and it did help me gain some insights and awareness of my fears. I highly recommend.

[Matt · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is a good book. The idea of self-compassion being the bedrock for improvement comes through clearly, as well as the importance of knowing yourself well and developing a strong sense of self. Ideally with those two foundational pieces in place, you then set out to push yourself out of your comfort zone slowly but consistently going further. If the foundation of self-compassion can be developed, you are much, much less likely to be sidelined by setbacks. Will be a useful reference going forward I think.

[Chad Schultz · Rating 4 out of 5]

Nothing particularly compelling or original here. Mostly ideas for exercises to challenge you to step outside your comfort zone when dealing with other people, and some common sense tips. I'm guessing most people will do fine just by either challenging themselves to talk to strangers on a regular basis, or that they'll need to work with an expert one on one. But if you have severe, really severe shyness, it's worth a listen before paying to see a therapist.

[Strings · Rating 5 out of 5]

It’s a good book on facing your social fears. The author uses a lot of dating examples. So if your looking for a book to help you with dating you will definitely find it useful. However I was not looking for a book to help my dating life and I still found value in this read. Some nice insights and techniques you can apply.