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Parent Yourself First: Raise Confident, Compassionate Kids by Becoming the Parent You Wish You'd Had
A fresh, no-nonsense parenting guide that shows you how to become a great parent (even if you didn’t have one yourself).
Many of us didn’t have a perfect childhood. But it’s never too late (or too early!) to transform into the parent you were always meant to be—grounded, present, intentional, compassionate, and confident. In Parent Yourself First, licensed marriage and family therapist Bryana Kappadakunnel argues that the secret to successful parenting is to UN-learn the wounded patterns you grew up with and create new ways to connect with your child. Parenting from a place of connection may feel unlike anything you experienced as a child or what you thought parenting was meant to be. But the results can be remarkable—and transformative.
As the founder of the popular Conscious Mommy community on Instagram, Facebook, and TikTok, Kappadakunnel explains that your upbringing is probably impacting your parenting style in ways you don’t even fully recognize, from how you manage your own emotions to how you connect with your kids in their vulnerable moments. In Parent Yourself First, she shares powerful stories from the families she’s counseled and practical tools for managing common parenting woes like tantrums and defiance. Her promise: You can break free of past patterns that no longer serve you and liberate your soul from old traumas and wounds.
Everyone has baggage. But it’s your responsibility to make sure your baggage doesn’t become your child’s problem. Healing yourself allows you to truly connect with your child; understand their needs; and guide them to live the happy, authentic life that they deserve.
Many of us didn’t have a perfect childhood. But it’s never too late (or too early!) to transform into the parent you were always meant to be—grounded, present, intentional, compassionate, and confident. In Parent Yourself First, licensed marriage and family therapist Bryana Kappadakunnel argues that the secret to successful parenting is to UN-learn the wounded patterns you grew up with and create new ways to connect with your child. Parenting from a place of connection may feel unlike anything you experienced as a child or what you thought parenting was meant to be. But the results can be remarkable—and transformative.
As the founder of the popular Conscious Mommy community on Instagram, Facebook, and TikTok, Kappadakunnel explains that your upbringing is probably impacting your parenting style in ways you don’t even fully recognize, from how you manage your own emotions to how you connect with your kids in their vulnerable moments. In Parent Yourself First, she shares powerful stories from the families she’s counseled and practical tools for managing common parenting woes like tantrums and defiance. Her promise: You can break free of past patterns that no longer serve you and liberate your soul from old traumas and wounds.
Everyone has baggage. But it’s your responsibility to make sure your baggage doesn’t become your child’s problem. Healing yourself allows you to truly connect with your child; understand their needs; and guide them to live the happy, authentic life that they deserve.
336 pages, Hardcover
Published January 28, 2025
100 people are currently reading
4386 people want to read
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 30 reviews
June 27, 2024
Wow, this one hit home. Truly amazing and deep moments that may feel tough, but help you heal your inner child and grow to be the best you (and best parent) you can be. I love the prompts and exercises throughout each section. I also truly enjoyed how the author keeps it real with you, no sugarcoating it. She also brings he own real like experiences (as well as some of her patients with fake names into it). This truly helped me open my eyes to things I wasn't aware of, but also heal parts of me I knew needed healing but didn't know how to heal them. I plan to do this again and pick it up anytime I need a refresh to continue healing my inner child. This was truly thought-provoking and life changing. I didn't expect it to hit me as hard as it did, I'm so thankful I got to read this book.
I received this ARC from NetGalley and Penguin Group Putnam to read/review. All of the statements are my true opinions after fully reading this book and doing the exercises throughout the book.
I received this ARC from NetGalley and Penguin Group Putnam to read/review. All of the statements are my true opinions after fully reading this book and doing the exercises throughout the book.
August 27, 2024
WARNING
-This book might be hard to read.
-This book might make you cry.
-This book isn't an "easy solution" to fix all parenting problems.
HOWEVER
-This book will help you identify behaviors of your child's that are triggering to you and offer methods to break the cycle of any negative reactions you have.
-This book will give you insight on your relationship with your parents and how their parenting style affected your parenting style.
-This book will help you figure out how to co-parent more efficiently.
-This book will provide strategies to help you through tough interactions with your child.
-This book will help you accept accountability for your role in your child's behavior, thus paving a path for mutual growth.
-This book may help you better understand yourself.
-This book will help you learn and grow not only as a parent but also as a person.
-This book may help you heal.
Parent Yourself First is a MUST read for all parents. I would also recommend this book to grandparents, teachers, and family therapists because I think it would be helpful to all who interact with kids.
The strategies and insights that Bryana Kappadakunnel lays out in this book are completely eye-opening and life changing. Some of the concepts I could see before reading but couldn't verbalize or quite put my finger on, and some were completely new to me. All were extremely helpful. The format that this book is laid out in makes the information easy to understand and not overwhelming.
Thank you, NetGalley, and PENGUIN GROUP Putnam for an advanced copy of Parent Yourself First in exchange for an honest review. Truly, I can't say enough good this about this book.
-This book might be hard to read.
-This book might make you cry.
-This book isn't an "easy solution" to fix all parenting problems.
HOWEVER
-This book will help you identify behaviors of your child's that are triggering to you and offer methods to break the cycle of any negative reactions you have.
-This book will give you insight on your relationship with your parents and how their parenting style affected your parenting style.
-This book will help you figure out how to co-parent more efficiently.
-This book will provide strategies to help you through tough interactions with your child.
-This book will help you accept accountability for your role in your child's behavior, thus paving a path for mutual growth.
-This book may help you better understand yourself.
-This book will help you learn and grow not only as a parent but also as a person.
-This book may help you heal.
Parent Yourself First is a MUST read for all parents. I would also recommend this book to grandparents, teachers, and family therapists because I think it would be helpful to all who interact with kids.
The strategies and insights that Bryana Kappadakunnel lays out in this book are completely eye-opening and life changing. Some of the concepts I could see before reading but couldn't verbalize or quite put my finger on, and some were completely new to me. All were extremely helpful. The format that this book is laid out in makes the information easy to understand and not overwhelming.
Thank you, NetGalley, and PENGUIN GROUP Putnam for an advanced copy of Parent Yourself First in exchange for an honest review. Truly, I can't say enough good this about this book.
August 1, 2024
Parent Yourself First is a very helpful guide that is able to succinctly capture the how and why parenting is improved when you direct your attention and efforts into self instead of insisting your children change to satisfy you. The aim of this book is to parent from a place of connection as an alternative to parenting from a place of control. When I started therapy, my aim was to work on my mental health and well being, but I did not expect how that journey might impact my parenting. It’s always tricky for me to articulate why it had such an impact, but Bryana is able to pull back the curtain in this book and describe how doing the work on yourself can have a lasting and profound impact for the better on your children because truly, as humans, we thrive in connection. Children, though developmentally younger, are no different. Connection is far more powerful in the long run than control.
If you are a cycle breaker and are looking to parent the next generation better, this is a great book to add to your library of resources.
I’d like to thank Penguin Group and NetGalley for the eARC in exchange for my honest review. All thoughts and opinions are my own.
If you are a cycle breaker and are looking to parent the next generation better, this is a great book to add to your library of resources.
I’d like to thank Penguin Group and NetGalley for the eARC in exchange for my honest review. All thoughts and opinions are my own.
October 28, 2025
This was a okaybook which I got about halfway through before I finally was like "I don't need to read this book because I'm not abusing my children" I found all the family examples in this more triggering than anything my children do. We've got parents who get into these goofy ass altercations with their kids when in session with the therapist and then turn and say as if the child is not even right there "see, this is what I have to deal with?" And it gets worse. Lots of parents have "tried everything" including smacking, taking away privileges, time outs etc and they end up going to the family therapist to try and get their child to obey. I could not do this woman's job. One parent would withhold food from her three year old when she had hangry meltdowns. Maybe my problem is that I have zero empathy for people who treat kids like trash.
So as I said I got about halfway and then decided to skip to the chapters about sibling fights. One example given in this section really pissed me off. Its a hypothetical situation on "how to deal with fights between siblings between the age of six and 12" I think it was and it was a six year old who used their 10 year old sibling's eye shadow they paid for with their own money after being told no by the 10 year old. The parent says (in what I imagine to be a robot voice because they say the exact same thing in every single example) "I hear what both of you are saying. I trust you to figure it out on your own" (or something very similar) so the 10 year old has asserted their boundary and then gone to their adult because their boundary was crossed. I'm a big fan of encouraging kids to sort their own shit out but a 10 year old shouldn't have to be responsible for the six year old's behaviour. Children's need for privacy and having the right to their own things should be protected over someone else's feelings. Sure, validate the little kids feelings but she's just straight up not allowed to help herself to someone else's stuff if they've said no. But I suppose this reaction is a dam sight better than screaming at the kids or smacking them or whatever it is people do
So as I said I got about halfway and then decided to skip to the chapters about sibling fights. One example given in this section really pissed me off. Its a hypothetical situation on "how to deal with fights between siblings between the age of six and 12" I think it was and it was a six year old who used their 10 year old sibling's eye shadow they paid for with their own money after being told no by the 10 year old. The parent says (in what I imagine to be a robot voice because they say the exact same thing in every single example) "I hear what both of you are saying. I trust you to figure it out on your own" (or something very similar) so the 10 year old has asserted their boundary and then gone to their adult because their boundary was crossed. I'm a big fan of encouraging kids to sort their own shit out but a 10 year old shouldn't have to be responsible for the six year old's behaviour. Children's need for privacy and having the right to their own things should be protected over someone else's feelings. Sure, validate the little kids feelings but she's just straight up not allowed to help herself to someone else's stuff if they've said no. But I suppose this reaction is a dam sight better than screaming at the kids or smacking them or whatever it is people do
February 4, 2025
Parent Yourself First is a great resource and a wonderful guide to help parents become the caregiver they hope to be for their kids. I think the author did a great job presenting the book in two main sections: how to heal yourself first, then how to learn to parent second. I think this is such an underdeveloped concept that needs to be driven home again and again with parenting. We need to start inward first before expecting clear results of expectations of parenting.
The second part of the book goes into details about each way we can be there for our kids and be better role models moving forward. The author did a great job clearly stating how to approach different age groups, clearly giving examples and giving space to be reflective as a reader on a personal level.
Wonderful book and a great base for raising children.
The second part of the book goes into details about each way we can be there for our kids and be better role models moving forward. The author did a great job clearly stating how to approach different age groups, clearly giving examples and giving space to be reflective as a reader on a personal level.
Wonderful book and a great base for raising children.
March 8, 2025
Best parenting book I’ve read (and I’ve read a lot). Specifically focused on breaking generational cycles of dysfunction, but honestly just an all around great parenting book that everyone should read.
Especially appreciated her practical advice and warm tone. Loved how the book is in 3 parts: healing your inner child, caring for the child in front of you, caring for the whole family.
I personally enjoyed this book much more than Good Inside. Less script focused and more about healing yourself so you can intuitively show up as the parent you want to be. Too many parenting experts are giving scripts and default advice, but not addressing the core (you). This was grounded and realistic about navigating the challenges that real parents face when working to break generational cycles. 10/10
Especially appreciated her practical advice and warm tone. Loved how the book is in 3 parts: healing your inner child, caring for the child in front of you, caring for the whole family.
I personally enjoyed this book much more than Good Inside. Less script focused and more about healing yourself so you can intuitively show up as the parent you want to be. Too many parenting experts are giving scripts and default advice, but not addressing the core (you). This was grounded and realistic about navigating the challenges that real parents face when working to break generational cycles. 10/10
January 23, 2025
I took my sweet time reading this book, because there were so, so many amazing nuggets and plans of actions that I would find myself thinking about a section for a week or two before moving on.
As a therapist who works with folks across the lifespan and the parent of 3 yr old, this book was encouraging and accessible, providing more concise language for many of the tools and strategies I already supply the parents I work with. I found myself quoting from and recommending this book to many of my clients and friends, and I plan to buy a copy when it is officially released. I genuinely cannot recommend this book highly enough - plus it has a really great recommendation section of further reading for parents and children's books to share with your kiddos.
Thank you to NetGalley for the e-arc, this one was incredible.
As a therapist who works with folks across the lifespan and the parent of 3 yr old, this book was encouraging and accessible, providing more concise language for many of the tools and strategies I already supply the parents I work with. I found myself quoting from and recommending this book to many of my clients and friends, and I plan to buy a copy when it is officially released. I genuinely cannot recommend this book highly enough - plus it has a really great recommendation section of further reading for parents and children's books to share with your kiddos.
Thank you to NetGalley for the e-arc, this one was incredible.
March 8, 2025
This had really great points when it comes to parenting. I focused more on part 3, which is caring for the whole family.
I did skim through “caring for your inner child”, and “caring for the child in front of you”.
I have amazing parents so I don’t feel any trauma I’m caring with me. I’ve talked about my “trauma” and the “injustices” I felt when I was a child with my parents. I felt my inner child is healed and cared for.
I skimmed the “caring for the child in front of you” because I felt I knew how to approach each child individually about things that upset them/guiding them to be better and grow as they want (not me leading the way). I also am a natural at what I call “lazy parenting” and that was part of that section- observing and reflecting about your child as they play and act without distractions (phones).
I really want to raise healthy siblings so like I said, I focused a lot more on the family dynamics. Really great information to avoid sibling rivalry and showing favoritism (which I’m scared to death I’m going to do with my kids).
I did skim through “caring for your inner child”, and “caring for the child in front of you”.
I have amazing parents so I don’t feel any trauma I’m caring with me. I’ve talked about my “trauma” and the “injustices” I felt when I was a child with my parents. I felt my inner child is healed and cared for.
I skimmed the “caring for the child in front of you” because I felt I knew how to approach each child individually about things that upset them/guiding them to be better and grow as they want (not me leading the way). I also am a natural at what I call “lazy parenting” and that was part of that section- observing and reflecting about your child as they play and act without distractions (phones).
I really want to raise healthy siblings so like I said, I focused a lot more on the family dynamics. Really great information to avoid sibling rivalry and showing favoritism (which I’m scared to death I’m going to do with my kids).
April 13, 2025
Truly an eye-opening and necessary read for anyone who has kids or plans to have kids. One of the hardest parts of parenting is that nearly everything is a mirror to your own past and experiences, regardless of what kind of childhood you had. This book has some really actionable and thoughtful ways for you to work on yourself to be the best parent possible and to work through your own feelings because a dysregulated parent cannot regulate a dysregulated child.
February 23, 2025
Loved this. Made it through chapter 8 and then had to skim the rest as it was a library loan. I do think it’s worth checking out again.
July 29, 2025
This made me uncomfortable in all the best ways, which made me grow. Highly recommend.
June 11, 2025
I wish this book was sent home from the hospital for every new parent taking home a baby! Finished this gorgeously written guide with tears in my eyes and feel like I've found a new friend. Bryana truly offers her heart and expertise as a licensed therapist on these pages, and this is one I plan to re-read many times. Her words and ideas have been healing, and it's such concentrated truth serum, I had to take it slowly and mark pages.
I did feel a little overwhelmed by the acronyms, but love the concept of a "Connection Garden" rather than a "Connection Desert."
I especially loved the "Name, Frame, Claim" model for
QUOTES TO REMEMBER:
"Here's the thing: it's not your child's job to confirm that you are good. It's their job to show up as themselves. And it's your job, as a fully realized adult, to meet them where they are." (page 14)
"When you parent yourself first, you grieve what you weren't given in your youth. Your grief allows you to understand it, feel it, and grow around--and ultimately beyond-- it." (page 34)
"You can love, value, and honor your parents while still feeling like something was missing in your relationship and how they parented you." (page 49)
"You have limitations as a cycle breaker, and your job is not to hand your children a perfectly curated life free from all suffering. Your job is to teach them how to manage the inevitable sufferings and challenges associated with the human condition." (page 49)
"Boundaries are how you bridge the gap between how you were conditioned to think and behave and the desires your healing work has revealed to you." (page 81)
"You respect your child's autonomy and give them the opportunity to show you just how capable they are." (page 132)
"Every behavior is attached to a feeling, and all feelings are attached to a need." (page 135)
"If needs are met consistently, reliably, and predictably throughout childhood, children grow up to be adults who feel confident about meeting their own needs--while trusting others are reliable sources of comfort as well." (page 137)
"As the keeper of the child's needs, it's the parent's responsibility to try to discern the true meaning behind the child's behavior." (page 150)
"We must learn to separate our children's pain from our own." (page 151)
"All human beings will experience big, difficult emotions. It is part of the soul contract that we all take when we agree to this wild, precious human life." (page 152)
"Resist the urge to make the feelings stop, and instead focus on ways to support them on the emotional rollercoaster." (page 153)
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I did feel a little overwhelmed by the acronyms, but love the concept of a "Connection Garden" rather than a "Connection Desert."
I especially loved the "Name, Frame, Claim" model for
QUOTES TO REMEMBER:
"Here's the thing: it's not your child's job to confirm that you are good. It's their job to show up as themselves. And it's your job, as a fully realized adult, to meet them where they are." (page 14)
"When you parent yourself first, you grieve what you weren't given in your youth. Your grief allows you to understand it, feel it, and grow around--and ultimately beyond-- it." (page 34)
"You can love, value, and honor your parents while still feeling like something was missing in your relationship and how they parented you." (page 49)
"You have limitations as a cycle breaker, and your job is not to hand your children a perfectly curated life free from all suffering. Your job is to teach them how to manage the inevitable sufferings and challenges associated with the human condition." (page 49)
"Boundaries are how you bridge the gap between how you were conditioned to think and behave and the desires your healing work has revealed to you." (page 81)
"You respect your child's autonomy and give them the opportunity to show you just how capable they are." (page 132)
"Every behavior is attached to a feeling, and all feelings are attached to a need." (page 135)
"If needs are met consistently, reliably, and predictably throughout childhood, children grow up to be adults who feel confident about meeting their own needs--while trusting others are reliable sources of comfort as well." (page 137)
"As the keeper of the child's needs, it's the parent's responsibility to try to discern the true meaning behind the child's behavior." (page 150)
"We must learn to separate our children's pain from our own." (page 151)
"All human beings will experience big, difficult emotions. It is part of the soul contract that we all take when we agree to this wild, precious human life." (page 152)
"Resist the urge to make the feelings stop, and instead focus on ways to support them on the emotional rollercoaster." (page 153)
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May 7, 2025
This is not an easy book to read. It's not a "magic fix it all book". But it is one that really helped me open my eyes to some of the reasons why I react the way I do and who I am (hello fellow people pleasers). As someone who is no contact with both of my parents, becoming a parent has really opened up some big wounds and made me incredibly aware of all my interactions with my daughter. Cycle breaking is hard and this book really helped me understand myself better so that I can be better aware of how I parent and build a lasting relationship with my daughter through every stage of her life. This is not a sit down and read in 2 days book either; so be prepared to read slowly, one chapter at a time. And hug your babies extra after.
February 9, 2025
Parent Yourself First is a game-changer for parents who want to break generational cycles and raise their kids with more connection and intention. Bryana Kappadakunnel does an amazing job showing how our own upbringing shapes the way we parent—and how we can heal to show up better for our kids.
This book isn’t about quick fixes or discipline hacks. It’s about doing the inner work to become a more present, confident, and emotionally attuned parent. It’s practical, eye-opening, and full of tools that actually help.
If you’re on a healing journey and want to parent differently than how you were raised, this book is a must-read. Highly recommend!
This book isn’t about quick fixes or discipline hacks. It’s about doing the inner work to become a more present, confident, and emotionally attuned parent. It’s practical, eye-opening, and full of tools that actually help.
If you’re on a healing journey and want to parent differently than how you were raised, this book is a must-read. Highly recommend!
January 25, 2025
Parent Yourself First is such an incredible resource. As a therapist, I work with so many clients who are trying to break cycles but feel stuck because they don’t know where to start. This book is exactly what they—and so many of us—need. It’s packed with practical tools and rooted in compassion, offering a clear, accessible path to self-awareness, healing, and emotional growth. All parents need to read this! I can’t wait to recommend it to my clients—it’s a guide that truly helps you show up for yourself so you can show up for your kids.
April 25, 2025
Bryana is extremely knowledgable when it comes to her parenting recommendations. Each of her techniques I've applied has been effective with my daughter. I appreciate her fresh approach of Parenting Yourself First and figuring out why we are so triggered when parenting our little ones. She has the education, licenses, and experience to back all she says (which is key)! I will always look to Bryana whenever I need parenting advice on how best to handle a situation with my child.
February 7, 2025
Buy it now!!! This book was just so powerful. It stands out from the countless parenting books that just touch the surface level of parenting. This actually helps you dive into your heart and soul and dig deep. It’s such a different and powerful lens to parent from and in the journey to becoming a better parent it helps you heal your own wounds and reparent and love yourself. Life-changing!
July 6, 2025
This is a book that I believe every person should read and try to apply, regardless of whether they have children or not. Whether they had a good childhood or not.
I wholeheartedly believe that doing the work to apply the concepts and make the changes described in this book will help in all relationships, especially for parents of children, and for children of parents!!
I wholeheartedly believe that doing the work to apply the concepts and make the changes described in this book will help in all relationships, especially for parents of children, and for children of parents!!
March 31, 2025
This parenting book is more like a therapy book, a self awareness class, with insights and tools that will help your personal life and, then of course, your parenting experience. Definitely a book to read more than once, and reflect upon each chapter!
Read
October 18, 2025As wonderful as I think this book is, it falls into the genre “preaching to the choir”. It’s full of information that readers will already know. The people who would greatly benefit from this book will never read it.
February 5, 2025
The content of the book was interesting and useful. I listened to the audio book and the baby/child voice used periodically annoyed me.
Read
February 13, 2025Have to DNF right now. Sadly I’m not connecting with the first 3 chapters it’s just not what I’m seeking right now will be a chance later.
March 3, 2025
Not for the faint of heart
March 9, 2025
I found the narrator's voice to be very grating. Maybe I would've appreciated this book more if I had read it instead of listening to it.
April 1, 2025
1.5 stars; could be my fault for reading late at night so that partly put me to sleep, but man did this book feel redundant and boring and waaaaaaaaay too many acronyms with too little substance.
May 19, 2025
Guides you to dig deep into your own inner wounds from childhood to become a better individual and parent for your children.
October 19, 2025
The whole inner child concept didn't really speak to me. I did see some strategies that I'll contemplate since my child is still an infant.
February 17, 2025
This was a great book that discussed a multitude of different topics that impact that way adults perceive childhood through the lense of their own past experiences. I found it beneficial not only as a relatively new parent, but also as someone who’s been a teacher for 10 years I truly think this could be beneficial to both parents and anyone who works with children. I think it’s beneficial for adults and young children, or mature children, it touches on several important topics, which we don’t always take the time to think about or analyze within ourselves.
Part one of this book discusses the way that past experiences can impact our present. Part two of this book discusses how we can optimize interactions with children after working through past challenges and difficulties from our own childhood. There’s a shorter section towards the end of the book with a focus on parents and how they can work together in the face of misbehaviors and challenges to work as a unit towards living a happy, desired family life together.
Many thanks to Penguin Random House for an advanced copy of this book. I fluctuated between the hardback copy and the audiobook. The author did a great job narrating the audiobook with sensitivity and care evident in each word.
Part one of this book discusses the way that past experiences can impact our present. Part two of this book discusses how we can optimize interactions with children after working through past challenges and difficulties from our own childhood. There’s a shorter section towards the end of the book with a focus on parents and how they can work together in the face of misbehaviors and challenges to work as a unit towards living a happy, desired family life together.
Many thanks to Penguin Random House for an advanced copy of this book. I fluctuated between the hardback copy and the audiobook. The author did a great job narrating the audiobook with sensitivity and care evident in each word.
January 28, 2025
Read it.
But read it when you’re ready for real self reflection and explanation of yourself and your childhood. And since we’re not perfect nor we will ever be… read it for the child you want to raise in a healthy state anyway.
Totally recommend
But read it when you’re ready for real self reflection and explanation of yourself and your childhood. And since we’re not perfect nor we will ever be… read it for the child you want to raise in a healthy state anyway.
Totally recommend
Displaying 1 - 30 of 30 reviews